Recently Lovefraud heard from a woman whom we’ll call Trina. Trina was involved with a sociopath for five years, who abandoned her eight months ago, after wrecking her financially and emotionally. Still, she continued to be in shock, denial and disbelief—until the guy sent her the following poem:
Catch and Release
Before I pull your hair and leave you for dead
I will ravish you
not physically, but with words sensuous and firm
with sibilance rolling off my chameleon tongue
and metaphors byzantine and allusive pitched
to that intimate space between your ears.
I will watch you wriggle with denial,
claw with anger, bargain for release,
splash like a drowning animal in hopelessness.
And when I observe the contour of your acceptance,
the precise moment your will bends pliantly to mine
I will release you.
Game over.
Trina was horrified, and when she communicated this to the guy, he denied that the poem was at all autobiographical. He said she needed to “lighten up;” she was too “up tight;” he’d just taken a line from a TV show and embellished it. Here’s how he explained it to Trina:
“I thought that was a great opening line and I twisted it a bit, threw in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief as I played on the word ‘dead’ and created a poem, role playing the braggart and using a line that fishermen do when they fish for fun and not food.”
“This man knows he drove me to the point of near suicide,” Trina says, “and rather than feeling badly for it, he actually taunts me, to this day.”
When there is no reason
Many sociopaths are parasites, manipulating people into giving them money, food, sex, a place to live—whatever. But some sociopaths, who may actually hold down a job and have their own resources, manipulate people, even torment them, just for the fun of it.
There are sociopaths who break women’s hearts just to watch them fall apart. There are sociopaths who commit crimes just to prove they can get away with it. There are sociopaths who disrupt workplaces for their own amusement. These people simply want to be puppet masters, pulling strings and watching everyone else jump.
This is probably the most difficult type of sociopathic behavior to comprehend. Many of us have spent hours, days, weeks, even years trying to figure out why a sociopath acted the way he or she did. Sometimes there is no reason other than the sociopath found the situation he or she created to be entertaining.
So how do we come to grips with this? How do normal people, who try to be considerate and cooperative, understand this behavior?
We can’t. These sociopaths are totally twisted. It’s just the way they are.
Well perfect at one point…when you are just realizing “I guess it was yourself you were involved wiht, I would’ve sworn it was me”.
“You’re so vain” used to remind me of the narcissiopath…and only a narcissiopath would think the description in the song is flattering! http://www.stlyrics.com/lyrics/howtoloseaguyin10days/youresovain.htm
My husband is a good man and he would be acutely uncomfortable if he thought all the girls wanted to be his partner….and would wonder what the hell is wrong with their superficial selves and would hold on to his wallet!
blindsided….good for you! As Dr. Phil says figure out the least thing you can do that truly gives you closure, do it and close it!
While killing him would have brought closure, I had to admit I could get closure with just a nice arrogant, threatening email. And every time I think of opening up to say one more thing, I read that and think , no, that was perfect. Leave it. closure.
One more thing, justabouthealed. My last zinger was in the form of an e-mail too- when I told him point blank that I think he is a sociopath and that I think he has “no conscience; no guilt; and doesn’t know love, and that he thinks of people as objects to be manipulated only to be discarded when he gets bored and that he is almost always bored “-and when I told him that I would not be contacting him and for him not to contact me.
And like you, I have thought since, of other things I could have added eg. sex was bad- he had both ED and PE. But I then I think, like you, that what I said was enough. And going on 8 weeks of NC, I have stuck to my word.
For you, Henry, da moon, sweetheart!
**huggles**
Great blindsided!! GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!Congrats SO MUCH on the 8 weeks. You can do it forever now! If you are tempted, or I am tempted, we have LF to support us!
After six months of sitting at this webiste studying and analyzing the last ten years of my life, I am today making my first post. “Catch & release” was spot-on. On Valentines Day of this year – after finding the word “Thief” written in white-out across my front window and a threatening letter taped to my door – I started Googling the bizarre behavior, “excuses that don’t add up”, “somethings never quite right”, “always trying to figure things out” personality traits of my N/S/P (the things that were making me sick day after day) and I found my way to Lovefraud. After an hour of reading, I was sobbing because suddenly it all made sense.
Now, six months later, I am going on my first week of NC. Actually, it’s been longer as I’ve been ignoring knocks and phone calls for close to three weeks but he surprised me in my parking lot last Wed, blocking my car and demanding his phone (which he’d tossed into my car in a tantrum before leaving the week prior because had I asked – yet again – about some strange numbers and, rather than tell the truth, he threw a fit and made himself phoneless as my punishment for my asking). My heart pounding, I got the phone and as I handed it to him, he pulled my expensive car stereo faceplate out from behind his back, remarked that I was a smartass to keep his phone (that he THREW in my car!!), and smashed it to the ground. Then he drove off, his eyes cold as ice.
I knew that his visit had NOTHING to do with that phone (he’s switched phones over 30 times in ten years – every time I got close to the truth). He’s mad that I have been pushing NC and he wanted to exert control and scare me – and he did – but not enough to answer the calls that started immediately after and lasted through Sat morning. I saw that he left lengthy voicemails before the calls abruptly stopped but I deleted them online and never listened. What’s the point? Now, nothing. But he WILL be back. Ten solid years of this over and over and over and over. And, although he HAS drained me financially over the years of course, money was never the biggest issue. For the most part, he has always worked. Everything my N/S/P did and does is for the simple, sick thrill of hurting me, making me cry, teaching me a lesson, making me beg, making me apologize (for nothing I did). The silent treatments (sometimes for weeks), the mysterious dissapearances, the two weeks on/two weeks off rotation I’ve been on for the last year, the unanswered questions, the ruined holidays and birthdays year after year without fail, the phone numbers, the list – as we all know – goes on and on. My N/S/P filed two Restraining Orders within the last year and then stalked ME. He accepted a summons for me and threw it out, costing me a missed court date 5 months later, a warrant, a night in jail, and $500.00. He becomes violent when I lock my front door – although I rarely know where he is living. He absolutely hates when I don’t answer the phone – but his is off more times than it is on.
Three weeks ago – quite suddenly and to the surprise of all my friends – I just went NC. Suddenly I didn’t care what his excuses were – because I knew they’d be LIES. I didn’t care if he said he loved me – because I know he CAN’T. Suddenly I didn’t care if he was with someone else – because he’ll be bored in 2 days like always. So far, so good. For some reason (probably because my son is away on vacation for 2 wks and I’m alone here), today’s been a little hairy for me but thankfully not enough to make me do something I’d regret. However, it was obviously enough to get me to post here – so that’s the good thing!
I’ve had thousands of red flags over ten years. Our second week together, after a fight, he looked at me and said, “I could take you or leave you.” And he meant it. That was the beginning of his control because I was a basket case after that. He is the Master of The Silent Treatment and it has, over the years, almost been the death of me. One romantic night in our fourth year, he looked into my eyes and asked very calmly, “Why do you love me? I don’t even call you.” About eight months ago, after he back handed me in the car and saw that he gave me what could have been a blackeye, he started crying, “I guess I’ve always figured I could do whatever I wanted to you and you’d take me back.” Boy, wasn’t THAT the truth. Until now. Enough is enough. He has taken ten years of my life. I can’t possibly give him the NEXT ten.
After six months of reading Lovefraud, I started to predict in my mind what he would do, what he would say, what he REALLY wanted, how it would end THIS time. It was amazing. I started to say to him, “I’m on to you – just remember that” and he would throw an absolute fit and call me crazy!! Oh, he hates when I say that!! What we DID have was a great sex life – for ten years. It never faltered – not one time – and THAT, more than anything, has kept him creeping back. And it has been THAT that has kept me from NC. Tonight, when I think of him touching me after all he has done, I am sickened. I know that MY silent treatment right now is driving him crazy so he’s trying to TOP my silent treatment with his much bigger, better one. Won’t work. I’m sure that the creepy things he does in the creepy, secret life he leads are not half as much fun to do when there is noone’s back to do them behind! Since he is incapable of love, I know that he hates me no matter what he says. He is incredibly insecure and will ALWAYS have odd numbers in his phone to feed his ego. There will always be horrible lies-by-ommission to make me crazy. Recently he said out-of-the-blue, “You’re the only one I’ve ever been with that doesn’t bore me. That’s why we’ve been together so long.” THAT statement was so telling to me and made me realize the scariest thing – he will never, ever leave. The leaving will have to be up to me.
Thank you, Lovefaud. I know that we don’t like that we’re here but we’re all glad we are. I know that if he knocks and I let him in, I’m done – even if it’s for one more week. One more week is too long. He is THE LIE. There will never be closure. There will never be answers. It will never get better. And – since he does it all for the thrill of hurting me and the satisfaction of the inevitable D & D – he will never TRULY leave. He WILL be back to do it again and again. And each time, it will be worse. There are no boundaries the NP will not cross. We can imagine our revenge but his revenge on our revenge will be the unthinkable, the unfathomable. My friends have a saying about my N/P/S: “Just when we think he can’t possibly do anything worse to you, he does.” Every single time. It is time to STOP our insanity. It is time to ask ourselves if we want to LIVE. It is time to give our ever-so-understanding children a break and begin being the mothers we should have been while we were chasing the N/S/P around, begging him to come back.
Not long ago, I started asking myself two questions and my answers bring me to tears every time. The first: “If I died tomorrow, what memories would my son have of me to get him through his life?” My honest answer is that he would remember how much I loved him but also how very sad I was so much of the time. What a horrible, horrible memory to leave for our children – and for what? For nothing. Our children are so resilient and so forgiving. They really just want us to be happy. We owe them that – for the sake of memories. The second question: If I knew I would die tomorrow, how would I feel about how I spent the last ten years of the only life I was given? The answer: Not good, not good at all. And it would be too late.
Sorry about the length of this post. I can’t believe I wrote finally after all these months. Thanks for listening. I hope, if I write again, that I will be in the same place that I am
tonight. NC one day at a time is all I can hope for.
luckyzb… Hello! I am so glad you posted, I hope you will write again, you are a wonderful writer, so spot on with your observations!!!! LF has really helped me a lot too. The past few days there were some posts on how we have to take care of ourselves and stop hurting ourselves by putting up with this kind of relationship, and it sounds like that is what you are doing, you sound very strong! Be tough! You can do it, you don’t have to be sad all the time, I was like that too, and what you said about your son is so true it hit me right in my heart, I cry and cry when I think about all the time I lost with my daughter when she was a teenager and I was just sad and obsessed over some guy. She is married now and lives 3000 miles away from me and the time I threw away on the N/S instead of having fun with her is one of the biggest regrets of my life.
You are also right about how they love to have the drama of having more than one person involved with them. When mine moved out because he found a free room somewhere else he said “I’m just going to stay out there, and I’ll come back here to see you” and I finally said NO! And I toughed it out and I’m glad I did. He had it all planned out in his mind, but I wouldn’t go along with it.
Please stay safe, he sounds crazy/angry. Please keep writing!
shabbychic…Thank you so much for your kind response. It wasn’t until a year ago that I had the epithany about my child. He is always so good, so kind, so on-my-side, that I took advantage of that (and so did my N/P/S) and just wallowed in my misery over the drama and the chaos and whatever hurtful situation he had created. One day, those two questions came to me and very slowly my thinking went in a different direction. Then I found Lovefraud and it was like an awakening – albeit a sad one – and I knew for the first time that there would be no answers, no closure, no reslove. The only thing I could hope for was relief – and that could only come from me and noone else. Certainly not from him.
As for your relationship with your daughter, you must forgive yourself utterly and entirely and be the best long-distance mom there ever was! It is all you can do….but it will be enough. Things have not been entirely our fault because we have been subjected to the Masters of Deceit. That we have come to realize anything at all or come out of it alive is a miracle. You are a wonderful mom. I know what you are feeling. But it is okay.
Now, today is a good day. I did feel that twinge today – but only for a second – and then I started writing. I am a writer by trade and I spend many hours of my day writing for others. Today was the first time I actually wrote something that had nothing to do with anything except me. This minute, it feels very good. Tomorrow, I hope the same. Now when I am driving and I start to wonder where he is or what he is doing, I just think, “It doesn’t matter where he is or what he is doing because, if he were here with you now, you know EXACTLY what he’d be doing – and it would just be another beginning to another horrible end…until the next time.” This always moves me on to the another thought. Realizing the definity of the fact that there will never be the closure we have been so desperately seeking has changed my level of anxiety. Not that I NEVER have the anxiety – it just exists at a copeable level.
Six months ago, I couldn’t see myself doing NC at all. I’d read about it, know it was the only way, yet never even attempt it. Then, within the past two months, he did one or two things that – believe it or not – I actually found unforgivable (even tho they were no worse than any of his other abusive antics) to the point that I could ignore the phone calls and the pounding at the door. It happened without me really thinking about it. Like my time for NC had come.
I’m not silly enough to think that I will never see him again. He will surface. My friend said to me yesterday, “Make sure it’s over for you because we all know that – as always – it is NOT over for him.” So, every day is a work-in-progress.
Oh yes, mine chooses to live in a hotel (and not a nice one) and complain about the daily rent rather than get an apartment. In fact, he hasn’t paid “rent” in over a year. He’d stay at his mom’s until she’d demand money and then he’d move on to his dad. When his dad kicked him out, he’d come here and have a pocketful of cash while I struggled to pay the bills. When I finally lost it and demanded money, he’d pack his stuff up and stomp out – after being here months – and move on to whomever happened to be left out of his friends. He fully expected to live for free everywhere since, well, he was “saving” for an apartment. Once in awhile he’d buy something – toilet paper or food – but it was all about him and not helping. Disgusting, selfish behavior no matter how you look at it. I couldn’t believe the audacity of him moving out and immediately paying $40.00/night to a hotel rather than helping me with a couple of bills. Oh yes – like you said – then he’d stay at the hotel or at friend’s for free and still want to come hang out here! God, I hate him. It’s these things that I remember that make me sick to my stomach.
Every ugly thing – and every nice thing – they ever did was always part of a bigger plan to benefit their pathetic, self-absorbed lives. Calculation and manipulation – it’s simply what they DO.
Thanks, shabbychic. I’m so glad you wrote. I too hope that I keep writing – especially when I am feeling that wierd little twinge that always leads to trouble. You have made me feel welcome.
We deserve to forgive ourselves. It is the only way forward!
I will watch you wriggle with denial….thats what my ex did, but i thought he was trying to understand me…I am in and out of denial, even though we have split up now for nearly a year, the extent to which he ripped me off finacially and emotionally seems to be only hitting me now…I’m feeling dazed, wanting to talk about it all the time, and friends are clearly fed up with the topic… I do not blame them but I really am clawing with anger, bargaining for release…his hold on me is the money he owes, and the lies he told and the refusal to bend an inch…so his toxic presence is felt every day until I find a way of dealing with it…I read everything here and its fantastic for understanding the impossible. Thank God there are still human people to talk to.
When I came to LoveFraud several months ago, after an n/p thesis adviser halted my graduate career at thesis level, I asked myself the question: “How could I have fallen for her deceptions and not seen my destruction coming?”
That question set me on a path of self-discovery that has changed everything in my life. Recovered memories of trauma; slowly unraveling the huge ball of family dysfunction one stand at a time; learning to fearlessly tell myself the truth, to listen to my intuition, and to stand up for myself. Learning to cope with PTSD, and search for a job in a new career area when I’d thought I was going to start my teaching career. The life I’d planned was over; the life I didn’t plan is the one I’m living now, every single day. As I open my eyes and my heart, I’m able to see more clearly, and I’m learning quite a bit about the kind of experiences that set me up to be an ideal target for an n/p who destroys people for fun.
Friday, I had the screaming dream again. It sucked. Then Saturday I got up early and was doing yoga before hitting the computer to post for jobs. My brother got up, too, and he came in and said in a fairly smug tone, “So nobody tried to kill you last night? You must be feeling better then.” I don’t know…it’s like suddenly being faced with the school bully again, and all the stupidly mean ways kids torment each other…I decided I couldn’t stomach it. I walked over to him, and with the kitchen counter between us, I said, “No. I’m not fine. I’ve got PTSD, which has very real symptoms, and they are taking a toll on me. I’ve been too ashamed to allow you to see how I am affected, and so I use a great deal of my energy to mask what I feel, and what I’m experiencing, from you.” He surprised me by nodding and waiting for me to continue. Unfortunately, I began to cry, and this isn’t done in our family. I didn’t used to cry at all, ever. Of course now I understand that it’s just human, and sometimes necessary, but I’d prefer to be alone or with someone I know accepts me. I told him how alone I felt with the high level of fear I often feel. It seems in those moments that a real physical threat is present, and it can be overwhelming. I have learned to talk myself down, and I’ve discussed with a veteran who got his from the war when his best friend was killed in front of him. He got it immediately, and said, “Sweetie, you grew up in a war zone. Why are you even surprised?” Then the worst part happened: my arms began to shake and my teeth to chatter and I could not control it, and I felt helpless and exposed. I think I actually would have been more comfortable naked, than that exposed emotionally. My brother was actually quite wonderful: he told me that I “probably need to see someone,” and “we’ll make this happen,” that “you aren’t alone; you have people on your side.” Sadly though, when he said that, my stomach knotted up and I thought, “Watch out…” I don’t like that response, but that’s what happened. He spoke softly, and really was very kind and empathetic, so much so that I felt ashamed for not broaching the subject sooner. I explained to him that at present, I feel as though I’m walking around with my skin removed: I remember my old talents and confidence, but I’ve entirely lost myself, so I’m re-building me from the ground up. He applauded my efforts, and the things I’ve done to take care of myself and heal. He said they had disposable income, so it isn’t a problem to help me out during the time of my job search as I so obviously am facing some significant challenges. This huge crushing weight just rolled off my shoulders: I’ve felt I’ve been fighting a war on two fronts; but now, with my family behind me, I actually felt confidence again, and it was really fantastic.
Later that afternoon, I was bragging a bit to my niece (my brother’s youngest) about what her Dad had done, and how terrific he’d been. I told her how proud I was of him, and inspired to work harder and move forward as fast as I possibly can so I don’t take advantage. She gave me a “LOOK,” and said, “Tia, he’ll take back everything tomorrow,” which I took to mean she was telling me that his offers would all be off the table next day. I was incredulous at that. She said, “Remember, I’m the ‘scapegoat’ kid in this family — I’ve been though all this before and now that I’ve moved out, they’ll do it to you. Just wait.”
Next morning, before I’d even made it to the bathroom, everything she said came true. It was heartbreaking. My brother started in on me, and said, “You’ve done nothing since you got here.” I reminded him about graduate school, and that I had tried transferred and tried again, only to have the n/p quash that with one phone call to the right professor on the graduate admissions committee. All of which he knew: he only wanted to make me feel small and less than. “You aren’t moving forward because you’re too scaaaared and too nervous?” He changed his voice tone so that he was making derisive fun of me, “You stood there yesterday and shoook in front of me,” he made his voice tremulous and actually mimicked my shaking movements by shaking his arms, “Yesterday, oh, yeah, it was very emotional.” I faced him down, and said, quietly, “Stop it.” Its amazing that he entirely condemns the n/p professor for going off on me, but then he’s been doing that to me at regular intervals. Does he even realize he looked like an entirely different person? He then told me that the “help” he and his wife had decided on was a fifteen day extension of their deadline for me to find a job or be out, and gas money for interviews, but since my car’s tank was 3/4 full that wasn’t necessary. Gone were all mention of counseling or any recognition of the conversation we’d had less than a day before. I kept calm on the inside, but unfortunately teared up again — I couldn’t fool myself because he was attempting to bully me and it was an ugly experience. Without thinking (though when I apologized to her later, she said it was glad it happened), I said, “[my niece] warned me this would happen, that everything would be off the table in one day,” and he got really quite angry turning all red faced, and said, “I’m going to call my daughter right now and ask her if she said that!” Translation: he called me a liar. I placed the phone in front of him but he didn’t phone her. She says that sadly, he will probably never ask her directly, and if he does, she’s going to tell him the entire conversation. Then, he pointed at the door and said, “Nothing keeping you here…” I understood in that moment that though he was attacking me, he felt fully justified in doing so, and ashamed somehow of having made himself human and vulnerable the day before. His ideal of “sister” had blown her image and turned ‘real’ by standing up for herself, and he wasn’t happy. The amazing thing is I never saw this behavior until recently because he keeps it so far under wraps (he’s 14 years older than I am, so he’d left home before I started kindergarten). My niece had been a recipient for years, though.
After some snaky diplomatic negotiations, I managed to challenge him to take a look at my job search progress, contacts made, resumes and cover letters sent out, those sorts of things – for the next week. I encouraged him to offer specific critiques, suggestions and become involved. This was interesting: when he started to wind up again, I said, “Could you get a job in this environment in a month? It takes Human Resources a month to process the paperwork alone.” Had no reply, plus I’m changing professions, it’s a recession, and I haven’t worked for several years since I was in school full time. “So you’re demanding I do something you couldn’t?” I asked this quietly, but it had the desired affect. But I was entirely wrung out, we had a family dinner (oy), and after working all evening, still didn’t get much sleep again last night.
My task is to focus on my insides: take care of myself and move forward with my job search. I learned something valuable: I don’t run when facing my fears, not any more, nor do I hide from my aloneness, because you can’t be close to emotionally distant people. I had felt so awful inside, but when I felt heard and understood, even for that brief time, I experienced peace. So when he changed his behavior and yanked back the reassurance, I determined not to allow him or anyone else ever again to take my peace away. I can now take care of myself in that way. My niece phoned me that evening to ask after me, and I told her that in effect, my childhood champion had died, and that I feel I am in mourning for the brother I loved so as a child, and she said, “I know you feel like you’re in hell right now, but it’s actually a good thing because your blinders have come off and you can see things for what they are. Now you can focus on yourself, and get what you need.” I told her I had not intention to say anything to disturb her relationship with her Dad, but she said, “No way; he fell off that pedestal a long time ago. It’s his own doing.” Still freaks me out that anyone could hide a spiteful temper like that so well for so many years. I guess you never really know….either that, or I am an exceedingly boring person, because these are my depths and dark secrets!
I can see now how dynamics like these set me up to tolerate undesirable/ unacceptable/ crazy behavior from the n/p professor that I most likely would have run from, had I grown up understanding healthy boundaries, and had I not been so hungry for acceptance, or had a dream I believed in and was willing to risk much to make happen. I’m NOT saying anyone EVER by any action deserves to be victimized by another; I’m saying I think some life experiences render us more vulnerable.
If anybody has been willing to read this long posting, thank you. I had to ‘write it out’ for my own sake, but also because if it causes even one person to examine the dynamics that could place them at risk, then it’s so well worth it!
Take care, Everybody!
Betty