Recently Lovefraud heard from a woman whom we’ll call Trina. Trina was involved with a sociopath for five years, who abandoned her eight months ago, after wrecking her financially and emotionally. Still, she continued to be in shock, denial and disbelief—until the guy sent her the following poem:
Catch and Release
Before I pull your hair and leave you for dead
I will ravish you
not physically, but with words sensuous and firm
with sibilance rolling off my chameleon tongue
and metaphors byzantine and allusive pitched
to that intimate space between your ears.
I will watch you wriggle with denial,
claw with anger, bargain for release,
splash like a drowning animal in hopelessness.
And when I observe the contour of your acceptance,
the precise moment your will bends pliantly to mine
I will release you.
Game over.
Trina was horrified, and when she communicated this to the guy, he denied that the poem was at all autobiographical. He said she needed to “lighten up;” she was too “up tight;” he’d just taken a line from a TV show and embellished it. Here’s how he explained it to Trina:
“I thought that was a great opening line and I twisted it a bit, threw in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief as I played on the word ‘dead’ and created a poem, role playing the braggart and using a line that fishermen do when they fish for fun and not food.”
“This man knows he drove me to the point of near suicide,” Trina says, “and rather than feeling badly for it, he actually taunts me, to this day.”
When there is no reason
Many sociopaths are parasites, manipulating people into giving them money, food, sex, a place to live—whatever. But some sociopaths, who may actually hold down a job and have their own resources, manipulate people, even torment them, just for the fun of it.
There are sociopaths who break women’s hearts just to watch them fall apart. There are sociopaths who commit crimes just to prove they can get away with it. There are sociopaths who disrupt workplaces for their own amusement. These people simply want to be puppet masters, pulling strings and watching everyone else jump.
This is probably the most difficult type of sociopathic behavior to comprehend. Many of us have spent hours, days, weeks, even years trying to figure out why a sociopath acted the way he or she did. Sometimes there is no reason other than the sociopath found the situation he or she created to be entertaining.
So how do we come to grips with this? How do normal people, who try to be considerate and cooperative, understand this behavior?
We can’t. These sociopaths are totally twisted. It’s just the way they are.
Bettyjane, My heart just breaks for you losing your two children to the “bad guy.” Am glad your oldest has finally escaped, hopefully with no lasting ill effects.
I will be praying for your coming court encounter to regain your youngest daughter! May angels send that judge wisdom to make the right decision. That child deserves to be her mother who truly loves her!!
Hello lovely Lily:)xxx Lol! It was DEFINITELY the cheese!xx and no I wont be doing that again:)xx I have learnt my late night cheese lesson.:)xx Even though I had a bad one, I kind of welcome these dreams, its all part of ‘getting it out of my system’ and ‘processing infomation’ and seeing it for what it really is to me.:)xxx
I hope you are well, you’ve been through some nasties lately. Much love to you dear new Lily.xxx
OH, I want to share something spectacular that happened after my sister’s funeral. My neice had taken us to dinner and brought with her a packet of pictures she had found IN her mother’s apartment.
Lo and behold, among them was “the” picture that sister has insisted that I taken and kept from her — and had nagged me about it for nigh onto 25 years. The best part is that remaining sister was right there and SAW it. About 2 years ago, she had “sided” with older sister that I had it because she SAW it hanging on my wall. I remembered the picture in question but I NEVER had it!
Interesing that remaining sister this morning acknowledged that she was surprised to see the picture Thursday night but she just “excused” herself that she must have seen a different picture on my wall. At least this was a start!
Another interesting aspect was that niece told us other stories of how her mother “lost” something and would accuse someone of taking it — including accusing her children! I was glad remaining sister heard that, too!
I’m not sure if this kind of behavior on my older sister’s part is evidence of any personality disorder. But, my being awareness of this aspect of her personality (for years) sure helped me not to accuse anyone of ANYTHING unless I could prove it!
A flashback — another similar incident that brought me to the decision to go semi-NC with her about a year ago. I had called her to let her know I was in the hospital again but she didn’t even listen. Immediately, she accused me of tearing up the picture of her first fiancee SIXTY years ago and that’s why she couldn’t find it. I KNOW I would never destroy another’s property and besides 60 years ago, I was only about 11 years old!! That accusation was the FIRST time I had ever heard it!
I let it go and decided to concentrate totally on MY healing. But, I still grieve today that I will never again talk to her on this earth!
I do want to add, though, that the funeral service that my niece and 3 nephews planned was 100% perfect. I am so proud of each of them, good solid productive citizens!
Blueskies, I certainly agree with you that our dreams to give us the opportunity to get it out of our systems.
During the funeral, my second sister and I recalled our terror (aa real one) when we had stayed at a motel in that same city some years (many) years ago and rejoiced that we weren’t staying in that one this time.
I had walked into our bathroom just as I saw a small person (couldn’t tell if it was male or female) totally dressed in black with one shoulder, one arm and one leg trying to climb in the bathroom window. I suppose he/she has seen our jewelry bags on the bathroom counter!
In my shock, I boldly shouted, “What are you doing here?” then tried to say”Get out!” but I had completely lost my voice! No words could come out!!
Another two parts of the story are that 1) we immediately called our brother two rooms away to “save” us, and then the police and 2) Sister said (on Thursday evening) that if I COULD have verbalized, Get out, I would have added, PLEASE! Yup, I would have!
Referring back to #1, brother said (on Thursday), “I didn’t come right away and took time to put on my shoes because I wanted to sure the police got there first!” What a BRAVE brother we have! No, we all laughed. As part of his job as a National Park pilot, he is a trained policeman!!
But, the point of all this “rambling” is that THIS MORNING I had a near nightmare/dream that was undeniably connected to our recent conversation of that long ago fright!! Only in this one, the thief was a tall slender man with blond hair and wearing a bright red shirt inside this house, my house! (I often have technicolor dreams!) It was so real that I was very glad to wake up and discover it was just a dream! And, yes, just before I woke up and said, “Will you PLEASE get out of my house?”
PS I wonder what lesson I was to learn from my dream this mornng?. That I DO NOT always have to be polite? I think so!
NewLil, I hope you will be able to have a sister-sister relationship!! I know I said I don’t know what I would do without my sister, but I didn’t mean to sound like it is a picture perfect rosy relationship. She is 2 years older and can be quite bossy and aggressive, lately she’s been upset and stressed and sometimes gets mad and snaps at me for just slightly disagreeing with her… so I sort of tiptoe around her these days, eggshells, but Lord knows I’m good at that, have a lot of practice. So I guess no relationship is perfect, but I’m very happy to hear your news about your sister! And that story about you taking the picture… I’m so glad your niece had the picture!!! Awesome!
Hey, Shabbychic, I hope my sister will not be walking on eggshells around her after I finally spoke my mind after all the years of keeping silent. LOL.
I think us “younger sisters” have a different family role that the “older sisters” can’t fathom.
I have no illusions that relationships (even normal ones) are always “picture perfect.” If they were, what would we have to learn about self and others? We’d be living in Utopia (I wonder what Utopia looks like? LOL)
But, we do have sisters to love and cherish — even despite human flaws on both sides — and that’s a good thing!
My sisters were 8 and 11 years older than me. Almost different “generations.” I can’t blame them for having a “protective” stance toward me. I do know they loved me dearly — even older sister in spite of her own problem with falsely accusing me!
I also realize that her acccusing me of tearing up her first fiance’s picture was due to the pressure she was feeling sensing her life was coming to an end. The surprising accusation was just very untimely. I had “died” the night before and the firemen revived me and I was on my first day of an 8 day hospital stay. I don’t think she ever even realized that, being wrapped up in her own life at the time.
Ick … I know I am late but that poem had a profound effect on me. I know it probably isn’t a ‘great’ poem, but the imagery it evokes is exactly bang on for these creepos. Jeepers it sent shivers down my spine reading it!
That’s exactly what they do – catch you and then drop you in some way (either outright or through behaviours passive aggressively). I almost went mad thinking it was me and trying everything and anything to change the situation – to get back that warm and funny guy I used to know. I was sucked in by the Christian ideal of being a ‘good wife’ whatever that means! To me it meant I deferred to him and tried in every way possible to make him happy.
We would discuss what HE wanted to discuss, see the films HE wanted to see, eat what HE wanted when he wanted it and not before. Anything that had to be done was on his timetable and never mine. I learned pretty quickly that if I wanted something done, it wasn’t worth the effort of negotiating, reminding, pleading, explaining and begging to get him to do it.
Oh there were also argument and cold shoulder phases. He never came outright and said “I don’t want to do that” or “I’m not doing it.” He agreed to do it and would then ‘forget’ or overschedule himself so it wasn’t a priority. It drove me mad. On the surface he was being agreeable but underneath it I knew he was lying and had no intention of doing anything he didn’t feel like doing.
He is still resentful of me ironically. He still blames me for the demise of the relationship. I am mostly 98% non contact at the moment apart from dealing with our joint obligations while the legal aspects are running – this is done via email. I feel so much different just a few weeks on – I haven’t cried as much and although I still feel very fragile, I am making big moves to change my life. I still feel quite stuck, but recognise that is the mental contamination from him – the envy and procrastination and slight depression and anhedonia. I am kind of restless and wandery too – don’t know what the future holds or what I want to make of my life now he is gone.
But I am starting to feel stronger and am certainly no longer the broken woman who dissolved into a blubbering mess in the lawyer’s office. I have cried a few times, but nothing like the dreadful daily crying that was happening before. I find memories difficult to retrieve – looking back it is all kind of a blur, but when I read here usually one small piece is triggered in some way and I am able to go and journal it. I try to immerse myself in the emotion and body experience of each scene and give myself a running commentary so I can reframe it in light of his pathology and forgive myself. I am focussing at other times on mindfulness and it really helps – yes you get distracted out of the present moment many times, but the practice is calming and soothing and is helping me.
Donna I want to thank you for having the courage to share your story publically and having the foresight to realise there were others out there who went through the same process you did in discovering. You have created a marvellous place of healing here and I know everyone who reads and posts is using the knowledge they get here to do their own healing. It is a wonderful thing you have done in creating and continuing to develop this community, involving other experts. Many other women in your position after your experience would have hid from the world and never spoken of their rage and shame – I think I would have been one of them. But because you had the courage to share your story, many other people have the courage to share their own.
Thankyou thankyou thankyou – this is a big and important work 🙂
Well folks, here’s an interesting thread that I hadn’t seen before. An “oldie but goodie,” I think! At any rate, this guy (i.e. The subject of the thread) is a dreadful poet, but can you believe he actually sent this drivel to his girlfriend? (Of COURSE we can believe it – that was just a figure of speech!)
Anyhow, this poseur and would-be-poet reminds me of those narcissistic contestants on Americal Idol (I confess – I watched it ONE time!), who are such awful singers that they get cut in the first few minutes. But when they do get “axed” they immediately fly into a rage – because apparently no one ever told them before that moment that they can’t sing!
(I only wish that it were as easy to cut our Ss out of existence!)
Hens,
I was reading your comments in this thread, and I have to say – very amusing! So for awhile you were really considering the nickname, “Skillet head”? – that’s very funny of you! But no, Hens, “Skillet head” doesn’t quite work for me – Hens or Henry will do just fine!
Nevertheless, I have noticed that you were more “talkative” in your posts from previous years. Now you are more a model of Zen-like brevity and suggestiveness. (Kind of like “Sister Louise,” come to think of it!) Which reminds me: I learned a new word last week to describe this: “breviloquence,” meaning “brief, concise and to the point.” So from now on we will say of a well placed “Oh my,” that it was “a sparkling instance of Henrician breviloquence!”) In any case, I’m glad you’re still around – regardless of your economy of language!