Recently Lovefraud heard from a woman whom we’ll call Trina. Trina was involved with a sociopath for five years, who abandoned her eight months ago, after wrecking her financially and emotionally. Still, she continued to be in shock, denial and disbelief—until the guy sent her the following poem:
Catch and Release
Before I pull your hair and leave you for dead
I will ravish you
not physically, but with words sensuous and firm
with sibilance rolling off my chameleon tongue
and metaphors byzantine and allusive pitched
to that intimate space between your ears.
I will watch you wriggle with denial,
claw with anger, bargain for release,
splash like a drowning animal in hopelessness.
And when I observe the contour of your acceptance,
the precise moment your will bends pliantly to mine
I will release you.
Game over.
Trina was horrified, and when she communicated this to the guy, he denied that the poem was at all autobiographical. He said she needed to “lighten up;” she was too “up tight;” he’d just taken a line from a TV show and embellished it. Here’s how he explained it to Trina:
“I thought that was a great opening line and I twisted it a bit, threw in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief as I played on the word ‘dead’ and created a poem, role playing the braggart and using a line that fishermen do when they fish for fun and not food.”
“This man knows he drove me to the point of near suicide,” Trina says, “and rather than feeling badly for it, he actually taunts me, to this day.”
When there is no reason
Many sociopaths are parasites, manipulating people into giving them money, food, sex, a place to live—whatever. But some sociopaths, who may actually hold down a job and have their own resources, manipulate people, even torment them, just for the fun of it.
There are sociopaths who break women’s hearts just to watch them fall apart. There are sociopaths who commit crimes just to prove they can get away with it. There are sociopaths who disrupt workplaces for their own amusement. These people simply want to be puppet masters, pulling strings and watching everyone else jump.
This is probably the most difficult type of sociopathic behavior to comprehend. Many of us have spent hours, days, weeks, even years trying to figure out why a sociopath acted the way he or she did. Sometimes there is no reason other than the sociopath found the situation he or she created to be entertaining.
So how do we come to grips with this? How do normal people, who try to be considerate and cooperative, understand this behavior?
We can’t. These sociopaths are totally twisted. It’s just the way they are.
WELCOME, luckyzb, yours are great posts!
JAH, my dear, the part about the deputies being on alert and available to come to your aid and possibly helping him into a new life (9 mm’s will do that, ya know) rings a bell with me.
Last Wednesday, ALL, my guy was in court pro se against his lying, cheating, thieving STBX *this Wed. it is FINAL* (wish us luck). She lied about coming down every weekend to see both of her boys that she blithely drove off and left with US for 6 months. A 10 yr. old (from her first marriage) and a 5 yr. old from THIS marriage. Then she turns around in court syaing she left her oldest here ‘because ___ (our town’s highly capable = Hi-Cap) classes and schools were GREAT – it’s so funny to watch her squirm NOW, saying that the school’s in North Seattle are “so much better” – when they’re not. But it is one example among THOUSANDS, over the past 3.5 years, in which she’s managed to hold these opposing beliefs (*cognitive dissonance*) and yet, continue to ‘work it” in her favor.
WE documented EVERYTHING – I audited our phone bills for that 6 month period, and another couple months after she took both boys, and caming screaming into court with an attorney (the atty “fired her” for not following the Guardian ad Litem’s recommendation to increase the amount of support for her OLDER son – his dad was paying ONLY &68.00 per month. I fixed THEIR wagons: when he’d submitted a statement on her behalf on letterhead he’d purloined from his employer, ( a business at which he was merely a peon, not a partner!) I went to the Child Support website and put in all the info on the letterhead, work address, fax, phone, etc. – and we submitted a counter-statement to the court, which included his handwritten 6 page “laundry list” of all the crappy things she did as a mother, as HIS justification for kidnapping the older child back in 1999, just 6 months into her marriage with my guy. The legal slap upside the head comes from “WERE you lying THEN or are you LYING NOW??” dilemma. AND it cancelled out his statement.
Our phone bills showed that the BOYS called her from OUR phone number to HER phone number – time, duration, and including weekends in which she claimed she was down here, “visiting the boys”
– 1. I wouldn’t have had that narcissopath under this roof; and
2. I pointed out to the Court that it was wasn’t an OCCASIONAL weekend which the boys called her from here:(highlighted on my spreadsheet), but EVERY weekend. Legal slap upside the head: “If she was here, Your Honor, how on earth could THEY be calling her FROM here and staying on the phone for 15 – 30 minutes…if she was HERE.”
Proof positive that the NPD was lying in open court. Which we all KNOW they do….
In addition to my reporting the older boy’s father to support enforcement, because SHE wouldn’t (“It would be inappropriate to increase tensions just for that…” as she said to the GAL…but I’d google and/or zabasearch him, and lo and behold, his “mug” popped up on a website, as a salesmen for a business in Portland OR; the address, fax, phone, etc, were copied from the website and turned over, again, to support enforcement; he then pulled up stakes and moved ‘back East’ – as the NPD claimed in court on August 13 last year, “he’s in TN or KY, I’m not sure which…” – I came home from court, zabasearched BOTH TN and KY with HIS name, and came up with a firm KY address for him within 15 minutes. I also called 411 and got his home phone number.
This information was put into the support enforcement website – AND I checked the WA courts website and found out that SHE’d had him served and a Child Support modification petition WAS served in early July 2008 and HIS RESPONSE was filed July 25, 2008 – “wasnt sure which…” my furry foot!! lol
This wasn’t my “first trip to the rodeo,” and I wasn’t going to let her get away with ‘stealing’ an exhorbitant and OBSCENE amount of money from our household every month. $733.00 per month was hemorrhaging out of our household and to her household, while the older (twice the age of ours) boys suport was set at $68.00 per month for the past 10 years!
*AND she wasn’t even taking care of the younger child’s basic needs. “I” took him to the dentist – scheduling it for KNOWN “visitation weeks” when he’d be with us – GAL got copies of every “good checkup report” – dated, and proof positive that he WAS being taken care of, BY us, despite her.
This is merely ONE aspect of, and one or two examples of, the type of “eagle-eyeing” 24/7 since Dec 18, 2005, that I made my FULL TIME JOB!
In court she accused me of “cyberstalking” her. I replied, it’s your ABSOLUTE right, to put anything YOU want out on the web (her blogs including rants about ME), AND concommitantly, I have the right to FIND IT!
Took the wind right out of her sails – especially when I asked her if I’d EVER re-posted any information (NO), or had I ever made a ranting reply on a thread of hers (NO); and have I ever been charged with the CRIME of “cyberstalking” as she alleged? (NO) So, needless to say the Judge was not impressed with all of the woman’s lies (NPD), mis-use of the child/ren (NPD), and the weird horror-freak-show that is her life now.
At least when the little one comes here to LIVE next week, it will be permanent, and the result of 3 plus years of very hard work on the part of MY guy and myself – it does pay off; she doesn’t know she’s a narcissopath – “she’s SPECIAL,” “She’s ENTITLED” and as she SCREAMED at me before she left THIS household “I ALWAYS GET WHAT I WANT!!!!!!!!!!” to which I kept my poker-face and replied softly, “I’m sure you do.” Then as I turned back into the kitchen, I was REALLY telling myself “Not THIS TIME…B****!”
It is a game; they don’t play by any rules which govern our known world or the universe – so don’t be afraid to gather the dirt – either the bury them in, or to use against them!
This Blog has been such a great help to me – I came here from a different blog – it was a link; they’ve since changed format and webhosting, and I didn’t care much for the new layout; so I’m here, folks.
Oxy – your advice/s have been great – more help than you can know, really.
I hope one day to write a book about Cluster B’s – using real life examples (mine, ours, and others) in order to educate the “uninitiated” as to “their” ways and means.
I’ll keep reading here (it’s the highlight of my Tuesdays) and commenting when appropriate – but this group is so sincere, and helpful to so many people, from all walks of life, that in my counseling practice, I will be recommending LoveFraud to my clients. PERIOD!
*hugs* y’all
~jewelz~
What a sick f***. Sorry but I think that sums him up.
Dude
My lovely son in law now has the three kids full time, as my Ns daughter has lost her job,{again}, she cant afford the $500 a week flat she was renting. She has put all her stuff in storage and moved in with a friend, till she {gets herself sorted} My son laws words. I am relieved he has them he is a great dad, gives them love and boundaries. he tells me he is luckier than me as he has no emotional attachment to my daughter now whatsoever. he has no idea where she is living and doesnt want to know. I still worry about her, but I know for my sanitys sake and also my bank balance, I have to stay NC. What will become of her? she is 45, and has sucked in so many people, lost so many great jobs, lost a great husband.
She has no job, no car, no savings, no boyfriend that I know of. Despite all the awful things she has done to me and others, I still worry about her. I know I have to give her to God, He has a lot to teach her. I have to take my hands off, and let her go. I know in my heart she doesnt give a sh–t about me, but she is still my adult child. This is very hard.geminigirl.
luckyzb & everyone… I have to go to work now and will be gone all day, so I will catch up with all you’re posts later! Can’t wait to read them!
Betty,
I read your post. Be strong.
It is so true how we try and try to wrap our brains around the behavior trying to understand it. What’s sad is when you understand the person has used you–that to them you’re pretty much just a big joke–but still you realize they have you under their power. You know the game they’re playing, but you’re still on the line. Catch and release…I wish! They might cut the line and toss you to the curb like you’re trash, but if you ever see what happens to a Walleye after it’s pulled from deep water….often it doesn’t survive if it’s released–too much damage has been done. Sometimes I feel like that. Like the trust I had all my life in my environment has been irrevocably shattered. Fact is I don’t trust. I don’t believe in anything anymore–anyone. I look at my friends and wonder if any of them are for real. And this person skates merrily on with his life, totally oblivious to the pain he has caused to me, and from what I understand, other women before me.
Ladydifadden,
It is true what you said about trying to wrap our minds around the S behavior and understand it. It is quite difficult ,as mentioned in a past article, because we are “normal human beings” and when we try to understand or make sense of the S behavior using our “normal emotions” they just don’t apply in this case. It does not make sense to “NORMAL” people with “NORMAL thoughts and emotions”. We can not fathom the idea that someone else could possibly treat a human being in that manner. We would never even think to be that way. Be thankful that you are not capable of that type of behavior.
You are not a “BIG JOKE” and are not under THEIR POWER. You are stronger than you realize or give yourself credit for. In the end they can not take what you do not give. Stay strong!
Yes, they do cause damage and I, like you, have felt my trust shattered. It breaks my heart for you to think that you feel that the trust has been irrevocably shattered. I have felt that way myself in the aftermath of the S destruction. But I have also learned that trust comes from ME not from others. You have to listen to your gut and yes look at your friends and the choices YOU make. Be aware of what you choose. It is a Beautiful thing to get to choose. It is up to us. We are lucky that we have feelings and do not have to live an insatiable life of craziness where we leave a path of destruction wherever we go. You do get to make choices and FEEL real LOVE for others and you are capable of caring. That makes all the DIFFERENCE in the World! It is what makes us “HUMAN”.
His life is not yours. His problem is not about YOU. Yes, they do shatter our hearts with their senseless betrayal and cause us immense pain. But please refuse to give them anymore of yourself. Not another minute! DO NOT GIVE YOUR POWER AWAY! Believe in yourself and start making plans for what YOU want for your life. Focus on you.
Take care!
luxkyzb: Welcome. Sorry you have experienced what the rest of us here have! You very accurately descibed my EX with you sentence: “Everything my N/S/P did and does is for the simple, sick thrill of hurting me, making me cry, teaching me a lesson, making me beg, making me apologize (for nothing I did). The silent treatments (sometimes for weeks), the mysterious dissapearances, …. the unanswered questions, the ruined holidays and birthdays year after year without fail,.., the list – as we all know – goes on and on.”
I only deleted two descriptions of yours that didn’t fit mine — but I can fill them in with other hurtful behavior. My N/S/P never filed any restraining orders nor I on him but he did try to make our oldest daughter my Guardian ad Litem (because I was CRAZY — for daring to get on a plane and leave him!)
He stalked me incessantly while daling (we were in college) and then kept CLOSE TABS on me during the way too long “marriage. Then he surprisingly stalked me when I went back “home” for a grandson’s wedding six years after I left. WHY wasn’t he with his live-in girlfriend? One of the stalking days was Mother’s Day! I was SO upset for her!
I was so puzzled about this latter day stalking (I made sure I was in a public place and safe) so I asked my visiting nurse.
It made sense when she (who understands abuse) said, “He just wanted to be noticed — as narcissists do!)
Anyway, I just want to say I think you are VERY WISE to start NC and then I hope and pray you keep it up!! The relationship can only get worse, not better. Be sure to be sure you are safe, though. These guys can be very unpredicable, although usually predictable!
WELCOME, Luckyzb!
I have been mostly a reader myself- but every now and then it is GREAT to write! You nailed it all! I’m glad that you have an outlet to express this common craziness that we all have endured. LF is a wonderful place to discover. It is so enlightening to realize that you are not crazy after all. At least not in the sense that the S was trying to have you believe:)
You get what is important in saving yourself and for your son. Putting life in perspective for what works for you. You are right, it is ten years that you can not get back, but in perspective- You are not giving him another day of your life and that’s what counts! Today is what counts! Moment to moment is what counts.
You are on the right path. Stay Strong in the NC it works.
YOU GO GIRL!!!!
I sure wish I could write a huge grant to get funding for a lf hideaway where all you wonderful women could come heal and rest in safety with no fear of being contacted or stalked or any of that! All expenses paid, including getting here.
I wish I were smart enough to think of some model where women and their kids heal, go on to create new lives and then contribute dollars to keep it going for the women who come next. (I know men are victims too)
I wish I were smart enough to think of some healing cottage industry women could do that would help bring in income as they heal, like quiet quilting.
I work very hard right now in a field in which I am passionate and the funding keeps coming despite all odds….sometimes I feel like jumping ship to this “calling”.
Betty, Luckyzb, everyone….my heart goes out to you and at least picture emotional protection all around you. Refuse to let them get to you. So hard I know. Believe me I KNOW.
Hugs!