Recently Lovefraud heard from a woman whom we’ll call Trina. Trina was involved with a sociopath for five years, who abandoned her eight months ago, after wrecking her financially and emotionally. Still, she continued to be in shock, denial and disbelief—until the guy sent her the following poem:
Catch and Release
Before I pull your hair and leave you for dead
I will ravish you
not physically, but with words sensuous and firm
with sibilance rolling off my chameleon tongue
and metaphors byzantine and allusive pitched
to that intimate space between your ears.
I will watch you wriggle with denial,
claw with anger, bargain for release,
splash like a drowning animal in hopelessness.
And when I observe the contour of your acceptance,
the precise moment your will bends pliantly to mine
I will release you.
Game over.
Trina was horrified, and when she communicated this to the guy, he denied that the poem was at all autobiographical. He said she needed to “lighten up;” she was too “up tight;” he’d just taken a line from a TV show and embellished it. Here’s how he explained it to Trina:
“I thought that was a great opening line and I twisted it a bit, threw in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief as I played on the word ‘dead’ and created a poem, role playing the braggart and using a line that fishermen do when they fish for fun and not food.”
“This man knows he drove me to the point of near suicide,” Trina says, “and rather than feeling badly for it, he actually taunts me, to this day.”
When there is no reason
Many sociopaths are parasites, manipulating people into giving them money, food, sex, a place to live—whatever. But some sociopaths, who may actually hold down a job and have their own resources, manipulate people, even torment them, just for the fun of it.
There are sociopaths who break women’s hearts just to watch them fall apart. There are sociopaths who commit crimes just to prove they can get away with it. There are sociopaths who disrupt workplaces for their own amusement. These people simply want to be puppet masters, pulling strings and watching everyone else jump.
This is probably the most difficult type of sociopathic behavior to comprehend. Many of us have spent hours, days, weeks, even years trying to figure out why a sociopath acted the way he or she did. Sometimes there is no reason other than the sociopath found the situation he or she created to be entertaining.
So how do we come to grips with this? How do normal people, who try to be considerate and cooperative, understand this behavior?
We can’t. These sociopaths are totally twisted. It’s just the way they are.
Trubeliever,
Your post to Ladydifadden above at 5:12pm today was, in my opinion, what its all about and what we all must do… if only it were that easy…but at times, I think really truly it may be….when we choose to heal and move on…
Thanks for your inspiring post!
To everyone – I am so grateful to have finally written. Slimone said it so well – I have never seen so many amazing, intelligent voices in one place – EVER! It just goes to show how absolutely evil is the core of the N/P/S and how adept they are at their game to have sucked us in. What they do is so illogical, so amazingly deceitful, and so opposite of the truth – we are constantly shaking our head going, “No, it just can’t be”, trying to figure it out, trying to make sense of the nonsensical, struggling to fill in the blanks of even the smallest story, trying to find the goodness in there SOMEWHERE. Time just passes. We don’t want to give up – not YET. We want to believe them – this ONE last time. We keep using “our history together” as an excuse to continue when, in actuality, there isn’t any. We figure, “Well, he’s here with me now…must be okay.” To our credit, since we never really know EVERYTHING about what we feel is “off”, we try not to make mountains out of molehills. Unfortunately, they know this and therefore know EXACTLY what they can get away with. Lying by omission – I hate that the most, I think. Even when I had completed my own investgations and discovered the truth, so much time had passed since “the omission”, that I let it go, telling myself, “I’ll just keep that discovery in tha back of my mind until the perfect moment…” but that gratifying, perfect moment never comes because the N/P/S is always one step ahead with yet another unexpected D & D.
For me, the only way to get any peace at all (besides the closure that we imagine which will never happen) is to cast the burden, surrender all of it, give it up to a higher power. This has nothing to do with God, per se, because everyone’s higher power is different. I started looking into Zen Philosophy years back and it really helped me feel okay about letting go, giving up expectations, and detachment. So much harder said than done – OMG yes. But if we want to move forward, it is the only way.
Ladydifadden – don’t give up on trusting. These people are SO genuinely evil that they will NEVER EVER EVER know happiness. And I’m glad! I know it seems like they go on with their merry lives but they don’t. It’s impossible. It really is. Find comfort in that if you can. For whatever reason – we came into contact with “bad seeds”. “Bad seeds” can not be be fixed and they can not be destroyed. They are what they are. However, they CAN be discarded – just like they do to us – and NC is the way to do it. As scary as it is and as sad as it makes me, I know now this is true.
It is all so true. Mine has ruined a great majority of my life. And I have allowed it. I am untrusing also.
Betty~when I read your blog, I actually said “oh no” out loud when you said you took your brother into confindece. Our families are just as sick as we are because they grew up the same way we did. My brother actually came out to my house to see what I was up to for my S. My S has bought my whole family. I feel that the ONLY people I can share with are right here. And my counselor. Be careful and stay strong.
That poem is the only thing that makes “sense” when trying to figure these people out. My S is evil to the core of his being. And I know there have been many women.
The only thing that I know is what I told my counselor today. I have lost my own identity. I don’t know how to get it changed back to me. I have been robbed of humanism. My S tortured me by not having any physical contact at all. Cold. Dead. Made me feel sooo unlovable. Convinced me I was mentally ill. When it was HE who was lying and being psycho and paranoid. And I caught him. And I MADE him admit to me who was the psycho and paranoid person. I caught him red handed and he HAD to admit it. That felt good. I have never been that mean to anyone. But when backed into a corner and finding out the lies he told me I came out swinging. My God, it was emotionally and physically exhausting as is the “relationshit”. I am not homely at all. I always felt guilty about my own beauty, whick my counselor pointed out to me. Now I realize that he knew the best way to get to me was to treat me like I was a piece of furniture. Or just the cook. No physical or emotional connection whatsoever. I am thankful now as he probably has STD’s!!
One thing Ox Drover taught me was to count, or to hum or whatever when we start thinking about the S’s in our lives. It really does work.
One thing that I believe in is Karma. And I believe that we that have been victimized because of our naievity (sp?) or trusting nature, will be vindicated at some point, and God has something very “special” for them!! So Towanda Peeps! And I AM old enough to remember Helen Reddys song!! I know it by heart!! So ROAR!!!!!!!!!!
Slimone, truebeliever, aNewLily, 2Much2Take: Thank you so much for writing! I was feeling a little better after Donna and JustAboutHealed wrote, but you have all helped me get through a very tough day.
I realize now that I was so scared to see the truth: I didn’t want to know that my brother would act like that. My niece has been very patient with me, just waiting for me to come out of the FOG, open my eyes, and deal. She’s quite something.
I don’t know what I would do without this group of people here at LoveFraud. I sometimes feel like I’m stepping off the edge of the world into nothingness. As they used to say in ancient times when maps marked the end of the known world with the legend, “Beyond here there be dragons.” No fooling, and really mean ones, too.
But with the things I learn from you, and the compassion that’s here, I did actually make it through today! There is tremendous healing power in being heard and accepted, and I’ve experienced it once again today. Thank you.
Luckyzb, Welcome! Looks like you already know this, but the people here are really incredible. They may be stunned, shocked, overwhelmed, suffering great loss (many times of everything they had and though they knew) — but they are inescapably kind, wise, brave, encouraging, compassionate, strong, giving of themselves — and have great senses of humor right in the midst of all of it! You’re in a good place with these people.
Good night all, and thanks again!
Betty
ARcherjf, Molly, and the “old hands” here–there are so many things we all think pretty much “alike” in our thinking as we are getting out. Then we start grieving about the “dearly departed” and thinking maybe he wasn’t so bad after all—all we have to do is PRETEND HE DIDN’T DO OR SAY ALL THESE NASTY MEAN HATEFUL DEGRADING THINGS TO US and everything will be “lovely.”
It doesn’t matter if it is husband/wife/lover/child/parent, a P is a P and they do what they do and the only way you can “deal with them” is to TOTALLY OVERLOOK ALL THE LIES AND ABUSE, just pretend—-of course, in order to do that you have to remove both your heart and brain, and that’s not much of a way to live.
It makes me happy to hear you younger women getting the lesson and I am so proud of you. I know it is a difficult road, and I have stepped in most of th epot holes myself and some of them are pretty deep.
LF has been a becon light shining from the distance in that land we call “healing” and I want to stay on the road to healing, and not get off into another SWAMP of despair and misery!!! Keep reading, keep blogging, and keep up your strength. (((hugs)))) and always my prayers for you
2MUCH2TAKE
“relationshit” lol, u really made me laugh ! And YES, it was 100% pure relationshit 🙂
I’m very glad to have LF right now. My son is gone for two weeks (this is the third day) and it is very, very quiet here – and very, very late. I would normally be out in the darkness right now doing drive-bys or sitting here dialing & hanging up or something – anything – to make some wierd connection. But I’m not. Just the thought of it right now wears me out. Thank God.
Dear Luckyzb,
Glad you are here, this is a great place to learn about them, and it starts out learning about them, and getting that nonsense through our heads that, YES, someone CAN be pure EVIL. Then we start learning about ourselves. WHY we put up with that “relationshit” like we did. 2much, YOU HAVE COINED A NEW LF PHRASE—like Henry’s “Narcissopath” and like “towanda” (that one has been around long enough I have forgotten who did it originally, I think was Learningthelesson) and there are several others we use around here, but I bet ya that “relationshit” is one of those that is so funny andFITS so well, it will be around FOREVER! Thanks for adding to our vocabulary here at LF!!! ROTFLMAO
Lucky, the journey we take in healing is a never ending journey, we learn one thing, then another,a nd it only gets better. Many times we learn we have never really learned how to set boundaries in the kind of behavior we will tolerate. Sometimes we also learn that we “love too much” and “give too much” to unkind people in general, and some people “walk on us” and we allow it—over and over. We learn to stop allowing others to treat us rudely. We stop GIVING our trust away, we learn to require people EARN our trust and that our trust is a valuable thing that we GUARD.
We learn that we deserve to be treated well and that anyone who doesn’t treat us well needs to be OUT of our lives—no matter who they are. We learn to put ourselves first and to be gentle and giving to OURselves. We learn to listen to our “guts” and that when it tells us “something isn’t right with this person” we LISTEN AND TO BE WARY OF THAT PERSON.
We learn to recognize the RED FLAGS that a psychopath will fly (some are subtle though) and to be cautious around that person and not let them get any closer.
Lucky, “no contact” with the P is the way most of us have found the ONLY way—not contacting them in any way, and not letting them communicate with us in any way. I know right now that may seem counterintuitive, but it will bring sanity and peace eventually, trust me on that one! (((hugs)))) and God bless, and my prayers for you and the rest of us here.
Oxydrover I am 63 years old and this happened to me. He was a high school sweetheart and contacted me after all these years saying he had never forgotten me and still loved me. I fell for the “fairy tale” even though I had been alone for 20 years and loved my life and had a good career as a psy nurse. He was a federal marshall. It sounds so unbelieveable to say it and I feel so ashamed. It just goes to show how very convincing they can be and how diabolical. He and men like him are what is meant by “evil”. I feel I can’t trust ANYONE. I look at policemen now and think, “are you abusing your wife and kids at home”, “are you stealing from your employer”. It really messes with your mind.
Wasn’t “towanda” in Fanny Flaggs book and the movie Fried Green Tomatoes?