Recently Lovefraud heard from a woman whom we’ll call Trina. Trina was involved with a sociopath for five years, who abandoned her eight months ago, after wrecking her financially and emotionally. Still, she continued to be in shock, denial and disbelief—until the guy sent her the following poem:
Catch and Release
Before I pull your hair and leave you for dead
I will ravish you
not physically, but with words sensuous and firm
with sibilance rolling off my chameleon tongue
and metaphors byzantine and allusive pitched
to that intimate space between your ears.
I will watch you wriggle with denial,
claw with anger, bargain for release,
splash like a drowning animal in hopelessness.
And when I observe the contour of your acceptance,
the precise moment your will bends pliantly to mine
I will release you.
Game over.
Trina was horrified, and when she communicated this to the guy, he denied that the poem was at all autobiographical. He said she needed to “lighten up;” she was too “up tight;” he’d just taken a line from a TV show and embellished it. Here’s how he explained it to Trina:
“I thought that was a great opening line and I twisted it a bit, threw in Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s five stages of grief as I played on the word ‘dead’ and created a poem, role playing the braggart and using a line that fishermen do when they fish for fun and not food.”
“This man knows he drove me to the point of near suicide,” Trina says, “and rather than feeling badly for it, he actually taunts me, to this day.”
When there is no reason
Many sociopaths are parasites, manipulating people into giving them money, food, sex, a place to live—whatever. But some sociopaths, who may actually hold down a job and have their own resources, manipulate people, even torment them, just for the fun of it.
There are sociopaths who break women’s hearts just to watch them fall apart. There are sociopaths who commit crimes just to prove they can get away with it. There are sociopaths who disrupt workplaces for their own amusement. These people simply want to be puppet masters, pulling strings and watching everyone else jump.
This is probably the most difficult type of sociopathic behavior to comprehend. Many of us have spent hours, days, weeks, even years trying to figure out why a sociopath acted the way he or she did. Sometimes there is no reason other than the sociopath found the situation he or she created to be entertaining.
So how do we come to grips with this? How do normal people, who try to be considerate and cooperative, understand this behavior?
We can’t. These sociopaths are totally twisted. It’s just the way they are.
will I ever get to the point of freedom from the alien….He is not near me…he is in another country….He has used abused manipulated lied and stolen from me….I’m sitting here wondering how that holds me prisoner, what are the dynamics that leave me feeling still suffocated by him so that every waking thought is about him…surely its about re investing the energy going towards him…back into self and forgetting the ***!!??!!
Henry,
I was thinking about the names we use in these Blogs.. I think my name came out so automatically and I feel good about it. Brilhancy because I feel that what I have done as brilhante.. That is very reassuring. To my children I say it: I had a free babysitter, I did not have to pay for a donnor (usually people charge over $100000 for one IVF.) I felt true love when I made you two. The egg donnor was very hundsome and charming …you two got this looks and my brains…what a combination…and today I have you two for myself…and we lough…They are very happy without the S in our lives…offcourse they wish they had a Dad but between have a S for a father and no father…the second option is the better one..
Thera are always many positives from any bad situation. It is just a matter on how we choose to look at things..
thanks for the love, everyone…
stayingsane: i think it’s different for all of us, but one of the things that ‘holds (you) prisoner” and makes us think about them all the time is not being able to comprehend the debauchery of what they’ve done. it seems that as fully functional human beings we lack the enzyme (or whatever) that would make us understand those who lack conscience about the path of destruction they leave behind. it is something i have seen is common to us all. the absolute disbelief that they could do what they do. but, one of the most helpful things i read here was ”it’s not personal.” i struggled with that concept for a long time. it even made me angry someone would suggest it. in my mind it was VERY VERY personal. i loved this person for 25 years, had his back at every turn, gave him everything, nurtured him, lifted him up, was friends with his mom and was a part of his family, was his soft place to land, was his best friend and confidant, helped him financially, loved his children, etc etc etc. it was just unbelievable that he trashed me too, and in a way that was simply jaw-dropping insane.
BUT THEN … it just started to really sink in that, as i looked back at his life — and i knew just about everything about his life — he had done the same thing to just about everyone. and an important common factor was that everyone he ever trashed always minimized it. let him slide, gave him another chance, passed it off as his ‘mischievousness’, or whatever. NO one ever really said ‘NO, THIS IS NOT OKAY!’ i was — proudly — the first, but look how long it took me!
his charm and his incredible physical beauty got him through whatever shit he threw in anyone’s face — male or female. AND, no one wanted to challenge him because you just never knew what would be next, but you DID know you didn’t want to be on the receiving end. it was never violent (although he was a little street fighter when younger), it was just a form of psychological torture that no one would believe even if you told them. so he got away with all of it with a wink and a smile and a charming apology; ‘come on baby, you know i love you.’
when you begin to see that it’s ALL smoke and mirrors, when you realize that he (or she) never made ANYONE happy, that wherever they go they bring with them an alterior motive, when you know in your heart that everything they do is egregious and with malice, you can start to see how they are simply sick on a level you can’t begin to explain or comprehend … and then … you see that you really don’t even WANT to. all you can see, in the GREAT retrospect, is that you want them as far away from you as possible for ALL time.
now, that’s not to say you don’t still think about them. i still think of my ex every single day. but the emotional charge is largely gone. sure i still cry from time to time, but it’s more about how much i HATE him and wish he was dead just so that no one else will EVER have to experience anything close to what i did. then i let that go too. i can’t be responsible for anyone else when i’m still barely off my knees. every time we think of them, we give them exactly what they want. to be on everyone’s mind. to be notorious. to be known. to be desired. to be held up as alluring and powerful. they have taken enough from us and we have surely given enough. what we think about, we give power to. now, i think about me, and my friends and family, and god, and my students, and helping others, and the earth. you must switch your focus to things that are worthy of you. and certainly, these demon pods are not in that mix!
i ran into my ex’s brother two weeks ago. there was no way to avoid speaking to him. i was horrified; a moment i had been dreading for a year. i had avoided everyone – the spath, his friends, his family. but the gig was up. i said hello, hugged him, and immediately said, ”i don’t want to know ONE thing about him … i don’t care and i don’t want to hear his name.” his brother simply responded: ”i don’t blame you at all.” i was shocked. i was vindicated. in that moment, SO much of the shame drifted away. i assumed that everyone thought i was unworthy of the spath, that his lies about me had stuck, that i was thought of as the cheater, the liar, the loser. but here, his own brother (who loves the spath very much) was aware of the destruction and knew i was faultless. he even said, ‘some day he’ll get his.’ strangely, i replied that i didn’t care whether he did or he didn’t … i just didn’t care about him anymore. i shocked even myself. heal, woman, heal!
so, my point is (sorry for being long-winded), that while you may believe that everyone who knows the spath see them as above all else, as mesmerizing and popular and desired and important … most have a sense that they’re NOT okay. but because so many ‘normals’ lack the ability to really understand what s/p/n’s are all about, this largely allows them to get away with their destruction.
NC puts distance between you and the twisting of your emotions, and allows the big picture of just how sick they are to unfold. then it is up to us to really GET that we just don’t need people THAT sick anywhere near us. because our self-esteem is largely shot, it takes a while. while i am doing very well, it still hurts. i still cry and rage. i still can’t effing believe any of it! but, as i said last night … while we all walk through the valley of this shadow of death, be sure to keep walking — or crawling — but move on, and never, ever pitch your tent there!
TOWANDA!!!!!
Henry –
We voted on “Skillethead” for you a long time ago 🙂
learn: LOL!
Wow! That poem really painted the picture that is all to vivid for all of us here. Every now and then I am still haunted by all of it this much later, (3 years after the fact). I remain hopeful as I approach each day giving thanks that I am still in “one piece” not the million shattered pieces my S I had tried to reduce me into being. I did not think NC could be so powerful for me to begin again. I am now on a quest to live my life fearlessly…this is my life’s goal. In my struggles to overcome the 5 years of lies & emotional abuse with my S I still want all that I hoped for, love, respect, honesty. Fortunately, since the storm, I have realized that I come first, so loving, respecting and being honest with myself is essential to my continued growth.
The greatest gift I have given to myself is NC. It has provided me with so much clarity. So I applaud you, Moving On for your strength and resilence, so definitely have that party!!!!
Peace & Love
Diamondgirl
with respect to LTL – I dont think skillethead is funny….I tried changing my name but when I register it says sorry that email address is already registered under another name..so I guess I am stuck with Henry…I dont need a new name to re-tell my story – was just thinking of privacy issue’s – but what the hell – i have lived my life denying who I am – hiding in shame – So here I am world – Henry they gay guy on the blog – who gives a rats ass what I think anyway…………..
henry: i, for one, have always cared what you think. do you have any idea how helpful you have been to me … your ol’ pal, lostingrief? i don’t think i could have done the level of healing i have without your openness and honesty about your own healing!!
be out there, if you feel safe doing so. i won’t use my actual name because i believe if my s/p/n knew i was ‘talking about’ him, he’d probably have me beaten on the street by one of his thug friends! but i’m OUT in many other ways. i’m OUT in my disregard for him and all other like him. i’m OUT as a supporter of good people trying to make a better world. i’m OUT as a woman who — fat or not — is going to walk with her head held high and ignore a social structure that tells me how i should look, be, act, talk, walk, and crap. i am OUT as a friend of all people — black, white, gay, straight, handicapped, trodden, poor and ugly … and animals, too — who need my friendship.
what these soul murderers did to us has NOTHING to do with us. and i, for one, am tired of caring about what they think about me. what do we think of ourselves? we did nothing wrong. we simply got in their way. and now, out of their way, we are FREE to be, and rebuild, and walk with our heads held up. it isn’t easy, but in truth, we are FREE.
our names are fun and interesting … i love some of the names LF members have chosen … clever, sad, witty, heartwrenching. and each of you — regardless of your level of healing or the particulars of your story — are heroes … and are lights in a dusky world. shine on …!
Henry, I agree that “skillethead” doesn’t fit you and isn’t funny.
I also applaud you for your openness and honesty! I have a personal reason for that praise which I have told very few people — because it really isn’t my place to tell, I don’t think.
However, we had been “married” for five years when I came home one morning after an overnight trip to see a naked (nekkid LOL) man leaving MY bed and running out the door and my Ex in his shorts.
Calmly and coolly he said, the man just needed a bed for the night. My answer was why didn’t he just make up a bed on the sofa for him? He didn’t answer (I didn’t know yet that not answering was a pattern.)
By this time, I had suspected that Ex had been molested by a drunken uncle and an unmarried older cousin in his teen years.
Most importantly, I deduced (falsely it turns out) that Ex would be loyal to me and would never do this again (although he never SAID he would or wouldn’t)
There were two more cases similar to this a few years later but they got “swallowed” up in the confusion of everything else he was doing to me — mostly INTENSE CONTROL over me.
My point here is that if he had “come out of the closet” and been honest with himself and me, much grief and sorrow would have been avoided or nonexistent. His life and mine would have been different, for sure. I definitely would have admired him for honesty!!!!
By the time I left, this orientation dishonesty was just ONE of the other dishonest behaviors that this one seemed almost a “non-issue.”
BUT, it did add to the painful awareness that I was USED to enhance his public image as a married man!! To me, that was almost the worse betrayal of my right to be a PERSON with feelings and opinions — and LOVE, real love.
BTW, thanks for the bouquet of naked likies you picked for me last weekend when I really needed that gesture! (I googled that species of lily. It, like the others, is lovely.)
I like my screenname. I wish it were my real name!
Henry, my dear friend, I am the one who should be labeled “skillet head” because for every time I have boinked you for putting yourself down, I have had to BOINK myself 100 times! My head is FLAT and I wear it proudly, because youi know, I am NOT putting myself down like I used to do. I do not give anyone the RIGHT or PRIVILEDGE to put me down any mroe, to make me feel guilty for not making THEIR life “better” by sacrificing my OWN and I can now look back to the time I felt it was MY RESPONSIBILITY to “keep the family secrets” in GUILT and SHAME because of THEIR BAD BEHAVIOR. I think that you, too, kept your family’s dark deep secrets in shame, but NOT FOR WHAT YOU DID, but because to EXPOSE them would have made them be seen for the MONSTERS THAT THEY WERE/ARE. The SHAME is NOT OURS Henry, the shame should be THEIRS, but they HAVE NO SHAME because they are so horrible they can’t even imagine the NEED to feel shame.
Nope, Henry, dear, I am PROUD OF MY FLAT HEAD because it took that to “get it through my thick skull” (just like MaryJo) that it was NOT MY SHAME, but THEIRS, and I am no longer willing to FEEL ASHAMED for THEM!
I may be a crusty old biddy who rides a jack ass, but I am a smart, stronger old crone who no longer CARES what my egg donor thinks of me, and if she is ASHAMED who I am, that is HER PROBLEM not mine. If she thinks I am “undiginified” because I enjoy riding Fat and Hairy, sooooo freaking what? It so happens that most of the people (neighbors and friends) think it is WAY COOL for an old crone to be out among them, riding her Fat Ass instead of just sitting knitting on the porch (BTW, I do THAT too!)
So henry dear, hold your flat head (for which I am responsible without apology) up and tell’em to take you like you are!!!! You ARE A GOOD MAN!!! I am PROUD TO BE YOUR FRIEND, and glad you felt supported when I boinked you, because every boink was given with LOVE AND SUPPORT! ((((HENRY!!!)))
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