Editor's Note: The following article was written by the Lovefraud reader who posts as "Adelade." My first encounter with counseling was when I was a “troubled” teenager. I've seen several counselors since then for various reasons. At no time was I completely honest or truthful and certain issues were “addressed,” but they were never “managed.” This was mainly due to my own shame in admitting that I had issues at all, but also due to the chosen counselors merely hearing words out of my mouth and nodding, writing, and asking, “Well, how do you feel about that?” Personally, I felt that they each should have been able to see through my fears and pinpoint where I needed to start. But, counselor …
Me-Muscles… It’s All About The Questions
I've had an extraordinarily busy and amazing week working with a fantastic group — which is why I simply didn't have the time to post anything last week. My apologies. The workshop sessions were intensive, running through from early morning to late evening, and yes, it's tiring work — both for me as well as for the delegates and, of course, my training team. But goodness me it's worth it. How do I know? The room filled with smiling faces tells me so, and it makes me feel glad. So this week I've decided to share some of the techniques we were exploring over the course of the workshops — because there are many that, in my experience, also apply to dealing with the sociopaths among us. The f …
With the Penn State report, a public understanding of unbelievable betrayal
Yesterday, Louis Freeh, former director of the FBI, released the report of his investigation into the Penn State scandal. Jerry Sandusky, the former assistant football coach under the legendary Joe Paterno, was convicted last month of 45 charges related to his abuse of young boys, and Freeh was retained by the university's board of trustees to find out exactly what happened and why. Freeh's report is scathing. The front page of this morning's Philadelphia Inquirer proclaimed in the largest headline typeface I've ever seen: DAMNING JUDGMENT Under the headline were the photos of the four Pennsylvania State University officials who the report says enabled, through their inaction, Jerry …
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Warning others: a moral obligation or crossing the line?
This is an age old problem that seems to lack an easy answer. Do we warn others if we recognize that they are involved with individuals with psychopathic features? Is doing so a moral obligation or is it crossing the line? Back in the day, it was easier. Sure, we saw our friends dating people we didn't like or who made us uncomfortable, but we probably just thought of these individuals as "jerks." We surmised that the relationships wouldn't last and left it at that. Even if they did endure, expressing negative opinions on such matters tended to be taboo. As a result, typically, we said nothing. Now, however, society is beginning to acknowledge and discuss psychopathy more readi …
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The sociopathic betrayal as an incident in your life
Many Lovefraud readers experience the phenomenon of "losing yourself" in the sociopathic relationship. Before meeting the sociopath, you may have been, for the most part, happy, confident, successful and financially stable. You had a network of people who cared about you. Yes, there was some kind of vulnerability—perhaps you were a bit lonely—and the sociopath used the vulnerability to infiltrate your life. But, for the most part, you were okay. Then, either suddenly or slowly, your life disintegrated, and the problems you face are so immense, and so interconnected, and so overwhelming, that you don't know where to begin unraveling them. You don't have the energy to start. Rather than the …
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Healing from a psychopathic experience is a continuing process
By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired) Years ago I used to think that healing from an emotionally devastating experience, like tangling with a psychopath, was like recovering from a physical illness or injury. If you cut yourself, you put a band-aid on it and a few days later, the cut was "healed" and you didn't need to work on it any more. Or if you got the flu, once you were over it, it was all done; you didn't have to worry about it again. Or if you got the measles once, you could not get it ever again, because you were immune. Now I realize that healing from an encounter with a psychopath is not like a simple cut that heals, never requiring any more care or even notice. It is also not …
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Opening Old Wounds
This, for me, has been a week of extreme highs and lows. And, as usual, has once again provided me with the perfect material for today's post. Among the highs was finding and securing the perfect living solution for my son when he starts university — that's a massive weight off both of our shoulders, and a cause for great celebration! The lows? Well, they've been triggered by a piece of particularly unexpected news — and an announcement that I would therefore like to make to all of you here on Lovefraud. I discovered just at the end of last week that the publication date for my book has been moved. Not by the couple of weeks I might have expected, since I was already aware that the libel i …
Our pasts matter: looking back, moving forward
By: Linda Hartoonian Almas, M.S. Ed Recently, I've spent a fair amount of time reflecting on my life, especially my childhood. I've also spent some time writing about these reflections. I can't say exactly what caused me to embark on this mental "roots" journey, but I can say that I identified some remarkable realities, along the way. These realizations helped me understand my vulnerabilities. This, in turn, brought clarity regarding what may have made me so attractive to an individual with psychopathic features. It helped me understand what it was about my past that encouraged me to allow a large portion of my adult life to be swallowed whole by disorder and dysfunction. It matte …
Does the sociopath treat the next wife better?
Lovefraud recently received the following email from a reader: I always knew there was something wrong with my ex-husband, and friends and family did as well. There were lies, gambling, cheating, drug use, rehab 3 times, head games. He would drive erratically with our son and I in the car (even when our son was very little). He would speed up if there was a cat or other animal in the road. I would always completely freak out so he never ran one over when I was in the car, but I wouldn't be surprised if he did when I wasn't. (I could tell his counselor in rehab #3 knew there was more to his problems than just drug addiction.) He was clean for a long time and that's when I realized it wasn't t …
Shifting The Blame
Well, I'm delighted to report that my son completed all his exams last week — and is confident that he did well. Recognizing his ability to respond to the challenge, he did everything within his power to make the most of the situation, staying calm and able to think as clearly as possible in a highly pressured situation. So, regardless of what happens next (the results are published in a couple of weeks) the fact remains that he's done his very best, and it's over. Which is why, this week, I decided to expand on the subject of blame and responsibility. There's a huge difference between thinking in those two opposing terms. There's also, of course, a huge difference when people choose to u …