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Keep Shining, Beautiful Ones

This week I saw a quote on Facebook that spoke to me loud and clear “Keep shining, beautiful ones. This world needs your light” — because it immediately made me think of everyone here on Lovefraud. I imagined each and every beautiful person who reads and contributes to the site, and as I did so, my heart warmed and prompted a smile”¦ and moist eyes.

Why did I think of this community? Because I truly believe that our experiences ultimately help all of us to shine more brightly as a result. At the same time, I fully appreciate that this notion may still seem to many to be a long way off, or even an impossibility to some people here — perhaps that was what prompted the tears? Well, that together with an overwhelmingly strong (yet clearly unrealistic) urge to reach out and show those people the future. A future where you are reclaimed and reconnected with your beautiful true self — and burning brightly as a beacon of hope that helps others find their way out of the darkness.

Blessings In Disguise

For three and a bit years since I realised that my ”˜dream’ relationship was a nightmare in disguise, I have come to the place where I view my encounter as a blessing. Blessings that, at the time, were heavily camouflaged… absolutely. Painful beyond description… heck yes. Soul-shatteringly destructive, leaving me broken, exhausted, humiliated, knocked out, wiped out and on the floor… yep, you got it. Words, it appears, particularly now as I look back over what happened, seem totally inadequate when describing the hollow darkness of the weeks and months that followed my own discovery.

Like so many of us here, how can any living person be expected to function after their soul has been ripped out, stamped on and thrown out with the rubbish — whilst at the same time realizing that the architect of their downfall has been smirking during the whole process”¦? When explaining my own experiences, people have asked me how I survived. I remember asking myself the same question myself at my lowest times — I also remember sinking so far down that I even considered the alternative to survival”¦.

The thing is, though, I have come to realize that if people can live through such horrendous times (and all of us here on the site are indeed living — although some days may actually feel like ”˜barely hanging on by a thread’) then surely”¦. surely”¦ as we come through the other side we must come to truly appreciate the strength of our spirit, and be proud of who we are? Surely we must reach a place where we can recognize the energy, focus, determination and love it took to come through”¦?

The Inner Light

I have noticed that there is a light that comes from people who have successfully overcome adversity — in any shape or form, large or small, physical or mental. Yes, they also carry the battle scars, of course. But the thing that speaks most clearly for me is the determined light that shines from within. It shows in their eyes, and it can be heard in their voice. There is something subtle, inviting, and thoroughly human about these people that cannot help but inspire.

We only have to look at the upcoming Paralympics to recognize the shining light of determination and passion in every athlete who has worked to overcome physical difficulties. On the other hand there are countless newspaper stories about people who have survived murder attempts, wars, violence and all manner of human cruelty. People who have subsequently gone on to live fulfilling lives and who quietly encourage others in the process. Then there are the ”˜everyday angels’ — people who put themselves out to care for others who are in need. There are also survivors of life-threatening diseases. Then there is everyone here in the Lovefraud community — and others like us. People who are in various stages of waking up to the nightmare”¦ and journeying through to the other side.

It’s true, I know, that not everyone makes it this far — so already we are the lucky ones. And as we continue sharing our stories, supporting and guiding each other, and helping to educate others”¦ so we continue to heal and we continue to become brighter. As I said in last week’s post, we are the ones who know, who ”˜get it’ and who are already reaching out to others facing confusion and pain at the hands of a disordered personality — whatever the relationship.

It was reading though the countless posts and comments on this particular site in 2009 that helped me to make sense of the madness. That helped me realize I was not alone. That prompted me to find out as much as I possibly could about the little understood subject of sociopathy. Even though I could feel the pain in so many of the comments, at the same time I also felt inspired that people were able to share their experiences, and reach out to others for help and support.

It was this very community who, three years ago, played a major role in saving my life and easing me back on track. Your lights were shining strong to me then — your examples showed me the way, and you continue to shine today. Thank you.

I am deeply grateful for being a part of this community. And I know beyond any doubt that we are all beautiful. I also know that in our own ways each of us are indeed already shining our light, helping to brighten a world that is crying out to awaken from the darkness.

So…. Keep shining, beautiful ones. This world continues to need your light.

With love, light and gratitude to all 🙂


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58 Comments on "Keep Shining, Beautiful Ones"

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Mel, moist eyes, indeed. I’m just streaming, here.

I’ve been in a very, very dark space for a very, very long time, and I’m not out of the woods, yet. I don’t “feel” as if I have any “light,” at all, on most days. I feel like the batteries in my torch are just about done, and there are none to replace them, once they’re finished.

The thing that propels me is that there are “reasons” for my experiences. One reason was for me to finally “get it” about myself – my vulnerabilities that left me open to victimizaion to begin with. Another reason was to dispel the false belief that everyone in humanity is redeemable (as per my religious upbringing). To fix what’s broken with me and to acknowledge the truth that some people are un-redeemable are the two lessons that I have learned, to date.

The rest? I don’t know. There is one thing that I am coming to believe as a core value, and that is that my courage and resolve is being tested and honed. I don’t have time to hate the exspath, anymore, because I’m too occupied with trying to survive, literally. My options are few, and none of them are pleasant ones.

I’ve made a personal mandate for myself. Once I am through this mess and on my feet, I have to “Do Something.” I don’t know what that “something” is, I really don’t. But, my life’s experiences have taught me that sociopathic behaviors create a broad path of destruction – from global economy to human rights – no empathetic human being is isolated from spath behaviors. Something has to change, somehow, and in some way.

I thank you, so deeply and from my very heart, Mel, for this timely article. I may not “feel” very bright, but I have to believe that this tiny ember of humanity can be fanned into a flame, at some point.

Brightest blessings and my deepest gratitude

Mel, hugs and love back to you. Your articles somehow appear when I need to read them – as do all of the articles on LoveFraud.

I keep telling myself that there will come a time when I will feel bright, again.

Brightest blessings to you

I want to shout out that this post was for me!!!

I had an awful experience with my therapist of 3 years regarding her refusal to read any of the books that helped me basically to keep living..She will not read them..I have explained how they perfectly articulate my experiences, break it down finding some sanity and how little knowledge is out there on psychopathy. I have explained that what she has discussed about “P” is not the same as Robert Hare’s definition(whom she had not heard of) and that it would be so beneficial for her with what she does. Apparently she has been offended, told me to stay off of these sites, that she is being obedient to God because the books are of darkness (and mind you, she has a Phd in psychology) and for me to start reading the one book that counts, the bible. Of course the rejection and lack of support hurt but my anger at her ignorance for not wanting a victims truth (as she saw my deep anguish, balling tears, every step of the way) which is revealed professionally from other victims, doctors etc…

I personally believe that I am recovering and can breathe fresh air now…I have the desire to do everything your article said, and mainly to possibly help even one person along the way and attempting to gently educate the public. I just thought my therapist and pastor (who work together) would be a perfect place for me to “deliver the news”….After they spoke to one another, they both are in agreement not read any books. Please know, my Pastor has his masters and teaches at a university on psychopathy!! He frequently references the term prior or during his sermons..I am getting angry as I write this…My therapist advised me that I was getting “Obsessed” with this…I knew then that although she has been there for me over the years during and after the relationship, she really doesnt understand the power it had over me or the light that is coming through me today (and it is an awesome light!!) I do agree on feeding the Spirit and mind with (in my personal case) the Bible. My personal growth has been amazing over the last 6 months..I have had painful breakthroughs and I know that a stronger than ever person is evolving.

I dont think I am truly explaining this with all the details I would like but that would take forever. I do know, when I read this article, I found love and truth. I saw me in it. The timing couldnt have been more right on!! Gives me chills..good chills:)

alivetoday,

That therapist and pastor of yours don’t seem to me to deserve any degree on learning and teaching. I do find that there are people who never cared about learning something or anything at all, unless for direct profit… and then there are people who grab every opportunity that comes along in their life to learn something.

Personally, my life motto is “That life ends where we stop learning.”

Psychologists, those with a PhD. are only required to take one course on Personality disorders including Psychopathy, Sociopathy, Anti-social personality disorder, Narcissistic personality disorder and Boarder-line personality disorder. These are the five most dangerous disorders to society and the others include Obsessive compulsive disorder, Histrionic disorder, Avoidant personality disorder, Dependent personality disorder, etc., etc. One course covering all of these illnesses. This is not enough to enable even a PhD. to understand what s/he is dealing with without more experience. Other counselors take no coursework on these dangerous people.

The extent and dangers of these non-human vampires is only being recently recognized in the field of psychology. They were first identified almost exclusively as Serial killers. Now science is discovering that Serial killers are only the most drastic of a much wider and still very dangerous type of disorder that cannot be cured or treated. Read Women who Love Psychopaths, check out the books on this site and on http://saferelationshipsmagazine.com/, or go on to the more technical books on Amazon and read the reviews. I have read a dozen at least..including text books. The book, Pathological Altruism is only for the very curious and serious inquirer.

What I really intended to post before I went off on the lack of education of professionals on psychopathy was to tell about my initial recovery of my life after ten years with a psychopath.

I guess I did my learning, grieving and recovery before it ended. When he left to move in with another woman it was like God had granted all of my prayers. He was out of my life, had another woman to keep him occupied and my children and I were free at last. Our life became like a fairy tale…all of the acting out by the children stopped almost instantaneously. I became a new person and felt like Superwoman. I could hold down a job, be a mother, fix my car, refinish my floors, paint my walls, go to PTA, get my children into T-ball, ballet, etc., go out with friends and finally on dates. It was the most wonderful time of my life. It was like being reborn from a living death.

It did not last forever because I have children and he started by taking away my son when he was 14…now he has been working on my daughter for 15 years. But for those of you who do not have children with a psychopath, thank your lucky stars and let your light shine more brilliantly than it ever has before because you are special. You encountered the devil himself and lived to tell about it. You are more powerful than you know.

He picked you because you were special. You had qualities that he can never have. You have empathy, truthfulness, love, honor, strength, joy…all the things he wanted to take away from you because he can never have them himself. Now you have them back and you are a survivor. Let your bright light shine, share your information to help others, be courageous in the world because you had to be courageous to survive. Bless you all and may all of our lights shine together until these vampires are defeated.

We are one and all the beautiful ones. Thank you all for being here, sharing your stories, your strength and your light.

betsybugs: thank you for your nice post.
Ten years; hm? Me too. Only the last five have been an absolute NIGHTMARE.

Oh yes, I can relate to that feeling about it being gone and having someone else babysitting it, almost.
COMPLETELY RELATE.

I am so sorry that you have children with this horrid person.
You sound like an absolutely amazing and wonderful “Mom” and as long as you keep giving to your children and teaching them right from wrong, you will be fine. (((BIG HUGS 2 U)))

Your last paragraph was like speaking directly to me; you said:

“…But for those of you who do not have children with a psychopath, thank your lucky stars and let your light shine more brilliantly than it ever has before because you are special. You encountered the devil himself and lived to tell about it. You are more powerful than you know.

He picked you because you were special. You had qualities that he can never have. You have empathy, truthfulness, love, honor, strength, joy”all the things he wanted to take away from you because he can never have them himself. Now you have them back and you are a survivor. Let your bright light shine, share your information to help others, be courageous in the world because you had to be courageous to survive. Bless you all and may all of our lights shine together until these vampires are defeated.”

I couldn’t agree with you more.
Thanks again for your great post and welcome to the soul sucker annihilating club. I had an ugly one. It’s scary. Real scary. I have been stalked the last ten years by a psychopath who has threatened to kill me and has tried.

I am fine. Everything has settled down.
We ARE the beautiful ones.
Thanks for being with us and standing with us.

I wish you peace and endless happiness.

Dupey

Off topic – any word on OxD’s recovery?

Betsybugs,

you are so right. I do thank my lucky stars I didn’t have children with my ex. He always wanted to have a baby with me …..even though he had 3 children already that he wouldn’t support. I can’t believe it now when I look back. I was so mesmerised by him that I let him treat me like a baby making machine…..amongst other things; surrogate mother to him, housekeeper, emotional punchbag…etc,etc.
I’ve always felt sorry for his exes. He hated it if I sympathised with them telling me I wasn’t there so how could I possibly know what happened. They were awful to HIM you see? He tried to blame them…..saying – you don’t know what that woman put me through. Didn’t take me long to realise I was going to receive the same treatment. One of my parting shots to him has been that I have joined the ranks of all these women that have loved him. Now I understand why I couldn’t love him right. He would say Your love, Strongawoman, is the weakest I’ve ever known. Oh that would cut me. And of course I would try harder. He would attack me and when I defended myself, he would say why you doing that? There’s no need, I’m only saying…….

Anyway I digress. Sometimes it’s hard not to get triggered by something and then I go off on a rant. Thank you for your kind words. They lifted me this morning.

Strongawoman,dear heart, hugs and hugs to you. Yes, it IS a good thing that you didn’t have children with him. Same with me – I am substantially older than the spath, so there was a very short window of opportunity and I offered and he didn’t want a child. Then, there was talk of adoption, but it was just talk.

You know that you don’t have “weak love,” Strongawoman – you KNOW that (caps for emphasis, only). You didn’t have “weak” anything – just a predator on your back, that’s all.

And, it’s good to rant, I think. It purges that venom so it doesn’t remain and fester. I’ve been ranting, out loud, when I’m alone, and it helps me to avoid hysteria, lately.

And, as a complete aside – when I was handed the notice to vacate, the excuse was that we had run the electric bill up, “a lot.” When I looked at the electric bill since we got here, Feb-March did show a substantial (and, really substantial) increase. The rest of the months were only a nominal increase that didn’t even double the usage. It finally dawned on me, just last night, why Feb-March had such high electrical use: there was construction work going on and I clearly remember thinking, “Oh, boy, is their electrical bill going to be outrageous.”

So……that solved that mystery and it doesn’t really matter. I may say something about this, but they clearly want us out, she is perfectly toxic, and the dynamics in this environment are like swimming in a vat of poison. I’d rather be in a cardboard box than this place. And, I’m going to sort it out.

Brightest blessings

Have a beautiful day and let your light shine through!!

I thank God for all of you!!! This is a group that comforts me out of illusions and loves and supports me into reality……I will keep you in my hearts and prayers daily…My gratitude for LF and all the people runs deep…

Last night I wrote a long comment back to Betsybugs but it somehow got deleted..but I will just note this; I have never seen a stronger group of women each with their own individual experience fighting for their lives and getting life itself back…then letting others borrow their hope to get there too, brings tears to my eyes..

hugs to all:)

Thanks Truthspeak,

Your kind words had me fighting back tears… that meant such a lot. I have a predator on my back…..he’s in my head an all!! I need to wipe the tape, I want to but I can’t. Having one of those days ……ya know how it is, Truthy. Ranting? ….I’m always talking to myself, lol.

I wonder if your colleague is beginning to see his gf in a new light? She sounds vile. I hope you can get outa there soon.
Hugs 🙂

AliveToday….for each of us, this site is a like a virtual healing sweat lodge. We hold one another with unconditional love and support, and I’ve mentioned this before, but it is a community like no other that I’ve ever experienced, even in Real Life. Hugs back to you, dear one.

Strongawoman, I don’t think we can ever erase those tapes, but we sure can archive them, can’t we? HUGS and hugs…..and, tears of support, here. We’re all in the same lifeboat, and we each take our turns at the oars.

I don’t know if my colleague is realizing anything, and I can’t say that I have the energy to care. What I do know is that we need to get out of here, somehow. Well, we ARE going to be out of here as per the notice to vacate. But, it is my fervent hope that we get out of here long before that date comes.

Brightest blessings

And, to note the exit from this place, I intend to be as dignified and appreciative as possible. No, I don’t “appreciate” the abuses, but I did appreciate having a roof over our collective heads. I am grateful for that.

I don’t want to exit on an ugly note simply because the g/f would use that in every way to her advantage. I will remain available to my colleague, in the event that he ever does realize what’s been done to him and chooses to reach out. I don’t anticipate it, but it’s important that he know this.

Good for you Truth. It is your nature to hold out the hand of friendship. I see that, I feel it. Thank God for people like you.

Dear Alivetoday,
glad to see you. Thanks for the good wishes. Sendin them right back to you all. Hugs from the UK

So I have been pretending like my life is ok,, it sucks. Big changes are coming and I am all alone, always have been. I am just a total reject and dont want anybody’s pity.

((deej deej)) snap out of it hens…
The more we pretend that everything is fine,
the more we focus on ‘fine’ and the more we
focus on ‘fine’, the more things become fine.

So, listen: I now broke my other “…went to the market piggy”, on the opposite foot and my counselor is saying she thinks i am doing it on purpose to deliberately harm myself. hahahaha Yah, right…like a person would give themselves an enema.

You are NOT a total reject.
“I” am the total reject. hahaha
Let’s get that straight right now.

I hear ya: I don’t want pity either.
I hardly ever ask anyone for anything.
Maybe a ‘muscle’ here and there lifting
or toting something but I try to keep my
agenda real simple. And that is having
no agenda. That’s what is wrong with
MOST of the world anymore: everyone
seems to have an ‘agenda’ and has forsaken
virtues.

Believe in yourself hens.
I believe in you.
I hear you and see you.

Love you lots,

Dopey Dupey

Hens,

What changes are coming? And what do you mean with all alone? No partner or no friends or no family?

I understand you don’t want pity. I’m not pitying you. But I do feel concern. Those are extreme black thoughts and you deserve better than those.

Hens….I agree with Dupey and Darwinsmom. Whatever is going on, post about it. We’re right here, beside you – virtually so, but in spirit, absolutely.

Golly, Hens, you gave me such encouragement in my recent dark moments (hours, and days).

I send you my brightest and most comforting blessings….

Hi everyone. I haven’t posted here for a good long while. Maybe 18 months-2 years. I wanted to kind of ‘come back’ to update people on the journey that I’ve been on. I wanted to call my post “LoveFraud- The gift that keeps on giving”. Basically I’m back on the site because I ‘got burned’ by another Narcissistic/Psychopath. (Again LOL)

Anyway – it happens that -I had moved on with my life and was doing well – when along came an artistic type, with no money, but some evident talent and a very well developed ‘hard luck story’. Anyway kind of foolishly – I did get involved (my rescuer profiles/history of abuse from narc parents and general tendency to ‘just not get why’ narcs and socios are attracted to me – all of this led me to ‘give the guy a chance’).

Well over 6 months, he sucked £2000 from me and was very verbally abusive. This was interspersed with the odd comment about ‘no-one had ever helped him the way that I had helped him now” (Uggggh)

BUT — the good new is that I was listening to a verbally abusive rant one day…. he said “you have failed me in every way that it is possible to fail me” (Ugggh)

I actually started laughing’ inside. I recognised that I’d been here before, that Ox Driver, Hens, Erin 1972 and many others had had this conversation with me. I kind of got embarrassed and said OMG – “I’ve done it again!!” ie. let a predator into my home. But I’m pleased to say that LF saved me – cos I called the police, got a Non Molestation Order. Now the only problem I have is the occassional text message telling me “You are too strong for me – you destroyed me – blah blah blah”. This from the man who spent 3 hours shouting at me and calling me c***t b**tch wh*re etc. And try to convince me that the best way to get my money back was to lend him some more. I’m kind of embarrassed that another onen ‘got back in’. But I thank God etc for LF. It’s almost like I’m being tested by bigger and bigger predators. Anyway. Peace to all. Bless you Oxy et al. You have saved my life – this one was even more dangerous than the last.

Hens,

hope you’re ok my friend.

Delta1, hello. What a horrific exp for you. Another one! Glad you escaped without too much damage. Unfortunately there are personality types that attract these scumbags…..I’m def one of em. My ex is not the first spath I have encountered either….I didn’t know that until I came here and discovered where I’d been going wrong. For most of my adult life.

Anyway, welcome back. Are you staying single now? lol

Greetings from SW

Yeppers – definately staying single. Having some therapy. I need to get to the bottom about why I care for everyone more than I care for myself – even tho I’m a wicked cool and very strong woman in most areas of my life. Lovelife always a disaster.
Thanx for your good wishes

Well Amen to that ….”even tho I’m a wicked cool and very strong woman in most areas of my life. Lovelife always a disaster.”

I can very much identify….I don’t seem to be attracted to normal men.

Good luck in your quest.

Thank you hun. You too

Delta1, it HAS been a long, long time since I saw your ID on this site! Aside from the recent experience, I hope that you’re well.

Your post sounds strong and resolute. Okay, so another one wormed its way in, and that happens. But, think about it for just a minute: if you had NOT been informed and education, how long would that entanglement have continued?

GOOD GIRL!!!!!!!! And, every exposure is a lesson. I’m one of those “rescuer” types, as well, and I really, really, REALLY have to rescue myself. Good for you, Delta1!

Towanda to you and brightest blessings!

Delta,
I don’t know you but XXXXXXXXXXXXXOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
wow.
You got out in 6 months. YES!

Mofo got kicked to the curb!

Get back to school and learn why you are being targeted and what is drawing you in. You got some work to do, Girl!

It’s just another step in the school of life. Thanks for posting that awesome story.

Hens,
tell us what’s up. We’re always here for you. You know that.

Thanks everyone. I have to be honest there are alot of differences to ‘last time’. Of course it sucks that I didn’t act on the red flags early enough.

Those red flags are always there, but the ‘secret’ is recognising when a ‘honeymoon period’ is a ‘set up/toxic’. I want to share that I think maybe one of the keys to avoiding predators lies within the very first few days of meeting them.

I’m such an open and friendly person, actually relatively confident, non-judgemental and ‘open-minded’. I think that whilst these are very good traits to have – they can be used against me by predators and personality disordered individuals (PDs).

I’m the one that will ‘give someone a chance’ where others would not – again a good character trait…….but only sometimes LOL

So – I’m resolved to be ‘more judgemental this year – LOL’. It’s possible to be ‘surfaced friendly’ and leave it at that when you come accross a red flag – I’m like ‘move on’ now when I spot a red flag. Before I might have hung around to see ‘what’s behind the mask’. I seem to have this interest in trying to ‘understand’ personality disordered people!!! It’s useful in my work (some of you may remember I work in child protection). But not in my personal life.

The difference between my most recent experience and my last experience is that – this time I realised quickly what i was dealing with and was actually trying to ‘get out’ after 3 months of seeing the guy. I’d lent him money to do an exhibition on the basis that he is clearly a very talented artist. However, it quickly became clear from observing him and listening to him that he is talented – but personality disordered in a major way. I quickly worked out why such a talented artist was doing so very, very badly and that all his efforts to establish his art career had come to nothing. Of course he had a massive ‘hard luck story’ – agents that had ripped him off, other artists who’d ‘stolen his ideas’ etc, girlfriends who hadn’t supported him etc and a trail of ‘enemies in the art world’ who were out to ‘get him and bring him down because they are jealous’ etc etc.

In my prior experience with a PD a somatic narcissist- I didn’t ‘spot the con’ until a long way into the relationship – the honeymoon period was quite long.

I actually think the abusive ‘honeymoon’ period is more head twisty than the ‘active abuse’. You know when someone is shouting at you that it’s abuse. It’s when they tell you they love you whilst doing nasty, sneaky sh*t that your mental wheels really come off in my opinion.

In the lastest experience the PD’s mask came off pretty damn quick. He became more abusive, more severely abusive and more quickly abusive than the last guy I had been duped by. Hence having to involve the police etc as when he realised that I really was serious about getting him out of my life – he was threatening to ‘blackmail’ me to my friends and at work- and was constantly coming to my house late at night etc. The only ‘positive’ is that although the behaviour was criminal, abusive and nasty – it was over and done much quicker.

The other major difference is that the new PD never really got to mess with my mind in the same way. Once I was really ‘seeing’ the red flags I protected myself mentally whilst trying to get out the relationsh*t. For example I didn’t tell him personal information he could use against me – I even ‘misinformed him’ about a few matters – i.e. told him that I’d got significant debts (I don’t), that I was feeling depressed and was drinking too much alcohol (I was not), that I really wanted to get married and settle down (also ‘not right now’). I quietly made plans and gathered my friends and resources around me. I knew from LF what the likely ‘consequences’ of trying to leave this man’s controlling ways would be. He’d spotted a juicy mealticket and he wouldn’t want to let go of his prize in a hurry.

Sure enough – in the ‘leaving phase’ – all things were thrown at me – “you can’t manage money – you should let me help you”, “if you’re depressed, you deserve it ‘cos you’re really messed up etc – but I could be there for you if you would just open up to me”, and “no one will ever marry a c**t like you, followed by demands quickly to have ‘make-up’ sex”. He threatened to tell work that I was mentally unstable (depression/alcoholism) and shouldn’t be working in Child Protection etc.

Do you know what – I didn’t like his nasty aggressive and blackmailing behaviour – but it almost made me laugh sometimes. If I’d really told him my ‘deepest darkest secrets” – some of these barbs, cons, tricks and abuses could really, really have hurt and ‘hooked me in deep’ and kept me in the relationsh*t for longer.

To protect yourself from these types, you need to understand the way they think. I am never guarded with my ‘normal and true’ friends. I don’t ‘tell tales or untruths’ in dealing with normal people. So if I notice myself acting in a ‘crazy’ way – a way that I wouldn’t normally – very often it’s because I’m dealing with a personality disordered person in front of me.

I hope that helps anyone who maybe feels ‘ashamed’ of any crazy behaviour around the PD in their life. We’ve all done it. But listen – it’s not crazy or bad behaviour to PROTECT YOURSELF from a predator. Sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do to! (Or a guy LOL).

Delta1, wow…..just, wow.

I’m so grateful that you saw the jerk for what he was and put and end to it, quickly. And, you are spot-on about sharing “deepest darkest secrets.”

I also used to be one of “those people” who was trusting of everyone and was always ready (and, willing) to disclose. Oh, no……I’m learning about my boundaries on a daily basis, and the most priceless thing that I’ve learned is that my boundaries are MINE (caps are for emphasis, only), and I am the only person that holds the key to the gate. Yeah, there are spots in my boundaries that are in dire need of repair, but I’m working on that, every day.

Thank you for sharing your experiences and conclusions. It’s good to “see” you back!

Brightest blessings

Hey Ev1..
Sorry for my pity party..
Sky, it’s the marine. The lady is going to put her house on the market and move about 40 miles, to be closer to her daughter. The lady say’s she will still have plenty of work for me but her attitude is cool. So I am prolly over reacting but I think the Marine is out to sabotage me,, I will be ok, I can find plenty of work but I am talking about a 20 year employee/employer relationship. So I am not sure whats up..sorry if I worried anyone.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hens – DUDE! here’s a big wrap around (((((((hens hug)))))))

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hello lovefraud posters – found this tonight – it explains the difference between PTSD and complex PTSD – worth a look.

http://www.bullyonline.org/stress/ptsd.htm#Causes%20of%20PTSD

Hens, this lady made a choice to move closer to her daughter. Why is this a sabotage to you personally? Things change. People move. People make decisions. And maybe the marine told her to do it. So what? It’s still her choice. You WILL fill the hole with something else and hopefully something better! Better to get these toxic people out of your life. Remember how devastated you were when the spath left? But isn’t it the best thing that ever happened? One day you’ll look back at this and be glad to get the toxic people out of your life. And believe me, if she’s involved with the marine, she’s toxic. Hens, believe in yourself that you will find new and nicer clients. There is something better out there for you, my friend.

one/joy: thanks for the link.
Interesting. The UK is A LOT
farther ahead than the US on
all of this; trust me!

Thanks for the qualification.

Dupey

oh Hens, I’m sorry. I know you valued her as a friend and a client.

Well, she does have issues, obviously. Just as you and I both did and that’s why we got involved with spaths. Things worked out for both of us, so lets have faith that they will work out for her, too. Be ready, but sit back and watch, do nothing. That’s usually the best policy with spaths because they love any drama that could come up. Rope, is my policy.

I guess we kinda knew that shit had hit the fan once the marine was alerted that you could see past his mask. He can’t afford to have you around ruining a good thing.

That’s why discretion is such a good policy. At this point, all you can do is move slowly toward the door. No drama. We can’t rescue someone who doesn’t want to be rescued.

Try to benefit from this experience, since there is no way to avoid it. You get to practice being patient and having faith that things will work out. It’s a great skill to have because it protects us from the knee-jerk reactions, which the spaths love.

(((hens))) I am sorry that you are having such an issue
and I hope that by now things have settled down for you some.

I have been thinking of you and sending you thoughts and
prayers. And don’t you ever forget it!

I hate worrying so knock it off!
I am here for ya…
((huggles))

😛

Dopey Dupey

onesteprs, stargazer, skylar and dopey dupster,
Ya’ll makes me smile, thanks…
Yes Skylar I am just sitting back and watching, silence is golden..I am not out of the picture ‘yet’..I just got off the phone with the lady ‘ a two hour chat ‘…
the lady’s sister say’s she will get rid of the marine before she would get rid of me…
the lady’s daughter says. Mom cant function with out you ~!
So maybe the marine has a right to be pissed..lol hugs

Hens, glad to see you back and smiling. Glad you got some reinforcement from the daughter. (((Hens)))

Onestep/joy, thanks for the link, Says soo much! Everything I needed to hear right now. Thanks. How are you?

Hens,
EGGGGGGGCELLENT!
XXXOOO!

Onestep,
hmm… much to ruminate on regarding PTSD.

Personally, I think that spathy IS PTSD. Lots of things can cause it, especially a spath parent or a spath culture.

I think the only difference is the choice that the spath made to deal with his fear. We chose to love anyway, while the spath chose to hate. Just a choice. sadly.

Hens, I’m grateful to read that you’re feeling better about the situation. I would gently suggest, however, that you remain cordial and engaging with the Lady, but at a fair distance. And, avoid trying to “predict” what the marine is doing/saying, or what decisions the Lady is going to make.

I have a very tough time “predicting,” as my counselor pointed out, early on. Because of the traumas that I had experienced, fear was a dominant and driving force throughout my life. And, the “fear” was based upon constant disappointments: the abuser says that things will change, they do for a moment, and then they return to misery. A cycle of disappointments created this mind-set for me.

So, you’re terrific, Hens, and we’re “allowed” to have our brief pity-parties! 😀

Brightest blessings

Hens,

I’m sorry for the news about your client moving, but it’s nice to hear validation from others. Sky said it best, just sit back, give rope and let the marine spath hang himself in due time.

Thruthspeak,

You’re so right about ‘fear’… Just this week I had something happen. Darwin is at my parents’ for the moment, since packing and movers and workers stomping around the old apartment and my new present home is no good thing for him. He’s a scaredy cat to begin with, let alone having to move with workers calling every day to do this or that. I don’t even have doors to seal off a room for him. Anyway, so he’s there at my parents and my dad had come home with the car and automatically opened the garage door without checking whether Darwin might have been in there. My parents searched the house at every hiding spot and couldn’t find him. So my dad came to my new home to drop off stuff and pick up rubbish and only at the end of his visit he suddenly told me the problem and told me I needed to come to their home in order to call his name in case he was outside, because he wouldn’t respond on theirs yet. I understand why he waited so long to tell me, but the fact that he did made it so serious that I got this huge knot in my stomach and huge fear. What if he had run outside? His hiding behaviour is such that he won’t drink, won’t eat, won’t respond to a call, won’t move… mom needs to know where he is, grab him by his scruff and haul him out. Before long I was a blubbering fool trying to be discrete for my dad, knowing he’d feel guilty already on his own. At some point I could locate the exact physical position of the knot and started to breathe and mentally make that knot relax. By the time I arrived at my parents’ I asked my father whether the office door had been open or closed at the time of the disappearance. My dad didn’t remember, but still I instinctively went in, didn’t even look in the office, but went straigh to the laundry and boiler room behind it, and looked behind the central heating installation. I saw a shadow, put on the light and found him. It was weird, it was as if I knew where he’d be, even though it’s the first time ever he hides there. But my intuition couldn’t have worked properly with all that fear knotted in my stomach before that.

Darwinsmom, the fears that I have experienced are often paralyzing, particularly lately.

When the colleague and his g/f are out of the house, both my son and I are able to breathe a bit easier, but when we hear that car door slam, the rustling of the shopping bags, and the door open up, both of us experience a gut-based reaction of dread and anxiety, and I am simply unable to manage this, right now.

We are living in a constant state of dread, and it’s making me physically ill, now, and I know it’s having a terrible effect on my son, as well.

How long have you been Darwin’s mom? It’s painful for me to see an animal in distress because we can’t “speak” words to them that would help them process their fears. Even soothing vocal tones don’t help very much.

Poor thing….I’ll bet you can’t wait to get settled and take him to his new home.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak, I indentify with your fears..it’s like you are at the mercy of their kindness, and you also sense they want you gone. And your stuck, that is not healthy for you or your son. But hang in there, something will change for the better. I feel that fear with the Marine that see’s me as competition I guess, when I am not competition but only his GF’s loyal employee and have always treated them both with the upmost respect. But if my livey hood is in jeapordy, so be it, I will not put up with his abuse. Thanks for your input to my situation, it seems so trivial as compared to yours..you are in my thots……hug
Darwins, I indentify with your fears as well, if one of my wiener girls goes missing for more than 30 minutes I go into a panic and have an anxiety attack, it’s down right embarrassing how I react. And thank you as well for your input…hug

one/joy_step_at_a_time

hens, gotta say that i am so glad that you are actually bringing your fears to lovefraud, and letting the us offer support and care. I am given to panic also, and i am thankful for the people I can talk to about it. xo one joy

1steprs .. there was a meteor shower last nite between midnight and 4 am….I was out catching falling starz and sending cyber energy to all of ya’ll…hug

hens: did you see it?
we had monsoon clouds over us.

you are sweet – thanks for the cyber energy.
mwahhhhhh! xxoo

Dopey

((Truthspeak))
I know what that kind of ‘pressure’ feels like.
I am sorry you have to come through this.
When it gets to the boiling point, get out…
take a walk; just something to get it off you.
Even for a little while. It helps.

I just spent the past five years walking a tightrope
and I am convinced that my medical issues now,
(ie: heart attack, etc.) can be directly attributed
to the stress of my prior situation.

Be careful. Keep the stress levels down.
They will gobble you up if you let them.

Prayers and blessings…

Dopey

Watching meteor showers is such a nice way to spend time. Watching the physical and biological universe always reminds me that I’m part of something very beautiful.

Thruth and Hens, yes I was absolutely paralized for about 10 minutes. Luckily I drove my own car behind my father’s, so I could cry from fear at heart’s content. Then I started to say, “NO! I don’t want to lose him!” a couple of times and then told myself, “Now calm down and something please help me find him. If I’m not calm I won’t be able to look for him.” And I was calm halfway to my parents’ home, and knew I needed to look in the house myself, not outside. And as I stepped in the office I even said to myself, “He’s not in here, don’t bother to look in here.” I walked straight on to the laundry and boiler room.

Darwin is a little older than 4 years, and at the start of September I adopted him four years ago.

Ex-spath used to do that… He’d leave the front door open of the studio-appartment, though I explicitly reminded him to close it and I had explained that Darwin cannot survive outside, because he’s stuck in a tiny kitten survival stage. I couldn’t understand why he could be so forgetful about it. One time I came home and the door was open to the general shared hallway and I couldn’t find Darwin at his usual hiding places. I totally panicked and ran off the stairs, out of the true front door on the street. Meanwhile ex-spath said “I’m sorry” couple of times. Pretty sure he was loving it though. Darwin was hiding in the closet behind clothes. He feared the open door, so he hid behind something that felt closed enoug for him.

Anyway this is Darwin’s history: His parents and siblings and him were put outside when their owners moved. The mother cat disappeared at some point, but it must have been an early stage of their kittenhood. They were lucky the tomcat provided and cared for them. But a tomcat has no instincts when it comes to teaching kittens. He probably aped the mother’s behaviour after she was gone.

When kittens are still very young, and the mother has to leave the nest to hunt for her own game, the kittens are first taught to be absolutely quiet and still until the mother returns and physically makes contact. The only way they’re allowed to leave the nest at that time is by being taken by the scruffs. Darwin is stuck in that phase.

When my parents go on holiday I used to catsit at their house (they have a cat as well, Midas). Darwin was 1 year then. And after two weeks in their house I ventured out with him in the garden on a cat leash. Something frightened him and he escaped the leash, jumped over the back fence to where I didn’t know at that time. I immediately printed out some pics and notes for the neighbours of the block, asking them to peek under bushes and in sheds, because I did suspect he probable would hide somewhere. I called his name over and over going round the block. I even slept outside on a garden bed in the garden and every hour would call for him softly. By almost the next afternoon, the neighbour behind us checked his chicken coop and alerted me that Darwin was hiding in there. He actually had raced straight into the chicken coop, and hid in one of the cots right next to the chicken entrance, which was 1 m away from where I was calling him all nigth and day. He didn’t run away or anything anymore. I only needed to get the cat basket, grab him by the scruff and hoist him into the basket. When he was back home he started to purr instantly.

So, it turns out I named him after the man who came up with ‘survival of the fittest’ while he has no survival skills at all, except for hiding like a kitten.

The interaction between ppath and cats/kittens has always been quite devious. I think they find them easy prey for their most primal of inner instincts to destroy. I think that is why they pick on them the most. They are able to draw the cat into their spell and then when the cat least expects it, they strangle them.

X ppath has been accused and openly admitted before to choking cats to watch them die. At first, I paid no attention to the statements because I felt perhaps it was a strong bravado speaking and that surely nobody would mean the things he was saying; right?

Then a couple years went by and I heard, from his own lips, how he had been accused of strangling a ‘friend’s’ (minion) cat. He swore he didn’t do it, to me, however, I don’t trust a single word that utters from “ITS” lips. that was almost a couple years ago now.

It’s chilling to think that I survived a close encounter with a full fledged dangerous, blood thirsty, soul sucking psychopath. I have been trapped in this hell for almost 11 years, although I do have to admit that the past 11 days has been very quiet. There has been no stalkings by phone and/or internet. It has been absolutely quiet. For the first time in almost 6 years, I can relax and thank my lucky stars, all the Angels in Heaven, and the friends who have stood beside me, for the peace I have been experiencing the past 11 days.

SURVIVAL of the FITTEST is absolutely right.
Underneath their rough and tough, vicious exterior,
resides a coward. A shy, introverted coward who
hates us because we are stronger than they are.
If you look, you will see the jealousy radiating from
them. It’s one of those things you will come to see.
One of the ‘red flags’. If something in a relationship
is not right. Chances are probably pretty good that
they aren’t. To protect yourself and those you love,
the best thing is to get away from that relationship.
If it doesn’t click right in the beginning, you should
listen. If I had listened, to my own inner conscious,
I could have spared myself all of this torture and
torment. But it’s not easy breaking free from their
hold upon us because they use our own virtues and
better graciousness and compassion as well and
our conscious’ as weapons against us. They find
it quite amusing. Love is a joke to them.

The best thing to do is to get it away from you.

I have been on NC and off NC six times. Including this last time. All you are doing, when you open that door again, is allowing the back up from the ‘cess pool’ that is their life, to come thrashing through your windows. It never changes. THEY will never change. They are who they are and there is nothing that is going to change that.

But, WE can change ourselves.
We give ourselves time to lick our wounds and heal our scars and when we are stronger and gaining balance back in our lives, we will move on. They are not worth worrying over because they were only using us by trying to suck our very souls out through our nostrils.

Funny thing about cats; hm?
They are very mystical at times.

Dopey

dupey – i didnt see a shower of meteor’s but did count 9 in a hours time, nothing like the hundreds per minute the media was talkin about. I am so ready for fall, cooler temps, some rain and a freeze to kill the skeeter’s..has been a miserable summer here,,,I need a change to lift me out of this funk..

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