How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists

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LETTERS TO LOVERAUD: I will work on whom not to trust or love

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Editor's note: Here is Part 2 of yesterday's article, “Almost everything under the sun happened to me, and I'm fine,” written by a reader who posts as “Jen.” Okay, so I had a crappy childhood, but I survived it. I came out of it okay. I have had what I now think might have been sociopaths in my life from time to time as friends, lovers, or family. At the time, I had no clue what they were, but I did know they were screwed up. I quickly rid parasites from my life after I figured out they were just out to use people. I was strong, and I was no way going to be surrounded by meanness. So, 2 years after my divorce, I ran into an ex from 20 years prior. I was down in the dumps when I met …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Almost everything under the sun happened to me, and I’m fine

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Editor's note: Lovefaud received the following letter from a reader who posts as “Jen.” I think something must be wrong with me. Wait, I KNOW something is wrong with me, but I don't think it is all that bad.  I think it is the 'bad' people in the world that make it that way. Part 1- My Screwed Up Childhood! I went through a lot of abuse as a child. Not from my parents, but from the people around them. I do blame my parents for putting their children in situations that were wrong. My parents split when I was about 3 and my younger brother was almost 1. My dad and I were real close, and it was very hard for me when they split up. My dad was in his early 20s and a partier. My mom cou …

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Heal your heart for Valentine’s Day

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For people who feel like their love lives are lacking, Valentine's Day can be really miserable. I know. I spent far more years of my adult life alone than I spent attached. Pining for romance makes us vulnerable to the sweet nothings of the sociopath. Of course, we don't realize when we hear those smooth, silky words that they literally are nothings—empty promises. We think they're the answers to our prayers. Our dreams come true. Then, at some point, we shockingly discover that our “relationship” with Prince or Princess Charming is nothing but a cruel mirage. We've been tricked. We find ourselves once again single, but now we're also carrying whatever additional devastation the socio …

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Find meaning in the betrayal

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Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. Lovefraud recently received the following e-mail from a reader who posts as “lostgirl.” I fell hopelessly in love with (read as I would have given him my real heart and died for him) a sociopath/psychopath. Skip the details. I am four years divorced. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't grieve the loss of the relationship I thought I had. I cognitively know that the person I married was not who I thought he was and I even believe I know how he came to be. Unfortunately, I have never felt anger, only sadness for what I viewed as the person he could hav …

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LETTERS TO LOVEFRAUD: Recovering from the con man

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Editor's note: Andrew J. Harper wasn't who he said he was. He wasn't a professional drag racer and he didn't own properties in Europe. But at least 17 women in Australia, New Zealand and the United States believed him—and many lost money because they did. Two of his victims, Diana Mors, who posts on Lovefraud as “AJH_Victim1,” and Rebecca Bell, worked together to find the truth, and the con man was finally arrested in October, 2010. The women told their story in the January 2011 issue of The Australian Woman's Weekly, and then in the North West Star. Read: ”˜How I caught a con man' on NorthWestStar.com.au With the publicity, the women have been contacted by many victim …

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Lack of remorse more significant of sociopathy than lack of empathy?

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Sometimes I like to revisit, churn all over again, a prior concern around sociopathy. A number of colleagues were recently stressing the defective quality of empathy in the more sociopathic clients they work with, while I found myself stressing the quality of remorselessness in the more sociopathic clients with whom I work (and have worked). In my view, remorselessness is a much more serious indicator of sociopathy than lack of empathy per se. I know I've stated this in previous pieces, but well”¦here I go all over again. Many people lack empathy for a great many reasons, depending on how one even defines empathy. But clearly this is true—many of us have a relatively difficult time emot …

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The tangents and the point

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Editor's note: The following article refers to spiritual concepts. Please read Lovefraud's statement on Spiritual Recovery. Love Fraud: How marriage to a sociopath fulfilled my spiritual plan, is a long, expansive story, and there's a reason for its complexity. The reason is in the book's subtitle. Love Fraud tells the story of my marriage to a sociopathic con artist. It's a juicy, outrageous tale, full jaw-dropping lies and manipulation. The book focuses a harsh light on the despicable behavior of my ex-husband, James Montgomery. My goal is to give people an up close and personal look at what it's really like to be targeted by a sociopath. But that isn't my only goal. I believe the …

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When to trust your man (or woman)

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The question was, “When can you trust your man?” A reporter who was writing an article on the topic for a major women's magazine asked the question. It showed up in my e-mail because I subscribe to a service that distributes questions from reporters to experts all around the world who may be able to answer them. I knew what the reporter was looking for. She wanted succinct little tips like: “You can trust your man if he always shows up when he says he will, or at least calls to tell you he'll be late.” “You can trust your man if he introduces you to his mother.” “You can trust your man if he shows you his income tax return.” But, after being married to a sociopath, and hearin …

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Sex in the Love Fraud book

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Yes, I will admit, my book, Love Fraud, does include some sex scenes. A few readers have expressed surprise that I am willing to share that aspect of my story. But the book is about my search for love and marriage, and sex is a natural part of love and marriage. The scenes are handled tastefully. They're not as racy as erotica—heck, they're not even as racy as romance novels, with those silly little euphemisms, always preceded by three long, hot, trembling adjectives. But sex did happen, and I did include it, for two important reasons. Unhealthy sex The first reason is to illustrate unhealthy sex—the kind of sex engaged in by sociopaths. I was clueless about sociopaths when I first met my …

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BOOK REVIEW: The Gaslight Effect Redux

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It's amazing how people can have differing opinions of the same book. Last May, the Lovefraud Reader Ox Drover wrote a review of The Gaslight Effect, by Dr. Robin Stern. I am always on the lookout for books that will help readers understand, and recover from, a traumatic entanglement with a sociopath. Because Oxy was so complimentary about The Gaslight Effect, I was anxious to read it, and possibly recommend it to others. Well, I read the book, but I'm not sure I can recommend it. Oxy did point out that Dr. Stern never mentions the word, “sociopath,” referring to the perpetrator as the “gaslighter,” and the victim as the “gaslightee.” Although Oxy was willing to look past this omission, …

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