By | January 3, 2011 3 Comments

Sex in the Love Fraud book

Yes, I will admit, my book, Love Fraud, does include some sex scenes. A few readers have expressed surprise that I am willing to share that aspect of my story. But the book is about my search for love and marriage, and sex is a natural part of love and marriage.

The scenes are handled tastefully. They’re not as racy as erotica—heck, they’re not even as racy as romance novels, with those silly little euphemisms, always preceded by three long, hot, trembling adjectives. But sex did happen, and I did include it, for two important reasons.

Unhealthy sex

The first reason is to illustrate unhealthy sex—the kind of sex engaged in by sociopaths.

I was clueless about sociopaths when I first met my ex-husband, James Montgomery. My first problem was that I didn’t know that sociopaths existed. My second problem was that I didn’t know sociopaths use sex to hook their victims.

I met Montgomery over the Internet, and for about three weeks we exchanged e-mail. By the time we met in person, I was already convinced that this man was exciting, interesting and powerful. Within a few days of meeting, he had me in bed. Once our relationship became sexual, he consciously fanned the flames of passion. I thought it was because he loved me. I was wrong.

Sociopaths want three things in life—power, control and sex. They crave stimulation, and sex, of course, is one of the most stimulating activities that a human being can engage in. So they are promiscuous. They push the boundaries of what their partners find acceptable. They get bored with normal and seek the taboo.

Montgomery did all of this—not with me, but with others. When I discovered the truth of his activities and desires, I was nauseated. But knowing what he actually wanted was important. This, more than anything, paints a real picture of the emptiness of his soul.

Healthy sex

The second reason I included the scenes in the book is to illustrate healthy sex. We are human, we have physical desires, and I believe fulfilling those desires between honest, consenting adults is fine. But what I learned after the terrible experience of the sociopath is that sex between people who love each other is exquisite.

It’s much more than physical release. It is mystical erotica, the sacred conjunction. This is what I experienced with my new husband. Now that deep love is also part of the physical experience, I can say that sex is not only a profound connection between two people, but it is also a connection to the universe.

Healthy sex is loving, playful, considerate and searing. Yes, it is possible, and I wanted to show the readers of my book what it looked like. So yes, there are some scenes that are a bit titillating, but it’s a joyful titillation.

And here’s something I learned that isn’t in the book: When true love is present, healthy sex doesn’t fade away.

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Thank you Donna. These are the exact points that I was trying to make when I recently posted in reply to questions about this aspect of my relationships. I am no voyeur, nor am I perverted (by a very long shot!), but I do enjoy a healthy sexual appetite and I agree that it should be fun and, as you put it, “searing”.

As for healthy sex with a person who loves you never growing stale or boring, I whole-heartedly concur with you.

IMO – If people are continually craving different things to “up the ante” in their relationship, then there are three possibilities –
1) something is fundamentally wrong with the relationship;
2) something is fundamentally wrong with one of them;
3) something is fundamentally wrong with both of them.

I am glad that we have a thread where this is the main topic (instead of all the random posting we have been doing over the past few weeks on various other threads!) because is is a burning issue with anyone who has had the misfortune to have had skewed and twisted sexual encounters with a sociopath.

Like everything else that they do, say and think, sex with them ends up all confusing and sad and a source of frustration, just another part of their “Master Plan” for us, instead of what it should be – an expression of love and connection.


I haven’t read your book, yet, as I just found this site today, but I do believe that is super important it illustrate how sociopaths use sex to manipulate. It is one of their tools. I really thought that I connected with this man on a level like I never had with any other man, but as time wore on, I could see that even that changed.
It is one of the socipaths weapons that they utilize to monopolize and destroy so it si very important it include tis info.


This is what I thought. Year after year, his going out of town meant more to him than being home with me and he never ‘missed’ me unless I asked him if I did or asked him if he ‘loved me’ to which he always said ‘of course’.
Urgh at myself!
Oh and most importantly, I started to realize that when he wanted sex was the only time he wanted to be close to me, so I started to feel used and backed off.

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