By Ox Drover Many of us here remember the pain of laboring in childbirth; we thought it was so painful we couldn't endure any more without dying. Yet, even in that all-encompassing pain that wracked our bodies and our minds, in the back of our minds we knew we were giving birth to a New Life, and we were hopeful. We knew, too, that though we were giving birth to New Life, that it would not be an independent soul. We knew that New Life would require our tender nurturing to help it grow for many years. I see our pain in recovering from the devastation of our experiences with a psychopath in a similar light to the pain of labor and childbirth, and caring for that New Life. I see that we …
Why I Am Becoming an Ass
By Ox Drover Many of you know that I have a background and interest in animal behavior, and that I look at the way animals behave and apply what I see to my own life. I have two mammoth (horse-sized) donkeys (correctly called asses) named Fat and Hairy that I frequently talk about on the blog. Someone called them the Lovefraud mascots, because I talk about them so frequently. I've ridden and owned various horses over the years and they are loveable creatures, but really not very bright. They will trust their safety to you without question once they are trained and will do what you tell them to, usually without protest, even if it gets them into a situation where they will be injured …
Identifying sociopathic behavior is easy; giving advice is hard
Just about every day, Lovefraud receives e-mail from readers who are looking for answers about confusing, contradictory and abusive behavior exhibited by people in their lives. The new readers don't understand what they are dealing with; they just tell, either in a few paragraphs or lengthy compositions, their stories. The e-mails describe some or many of the following behaviors: Pathological lying Pity plays Shallow emotions Devalue and discard Cheating or promiscuity Addiction to drugs or alcohol Controlling demands Financial irresponsibility Manipulation of children Broken promises Claims of “you made me do it” Pleas of “I'll never do it again” The …
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After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 7-Letting Go
Letting go is the point at which our recovery turns around from darkness to light. In previous articles, we have discussed all the stages of magical thinking, how we progressively become more and more willing to accept reality. In a trauma or extended trauma, like a relationship with a sociopath, there is a lot of difficult reality to accept. Here is a recap of our healing stages or strategies: • Denial — the most “unreal” stage, where we say it is not important, where we are at war with our own feelings • Bargaining — we admit it hurts, but we still think it is in our power to change it • Anger — we blame the external cause, we recover our feelings of personal power over …
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After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 6-Getting Over Not Being Angry
This article continues our discussion of anger as a stage of healing after a trauma or an extended trauma, such a relationship with a sociopath. I have a friend who has been angry for all the years I have known her. She talks about being insulted or scapegoated at work, despite taking responsibilities well beyond her job title for the welfare of the company. She has been instrumental in eliminating several people who managed her. More people were hired and she is still talking about how she is mistreated. I have another friend who calls me to talk about how his boss doesn’t appreciate him. He details how he has been swindled out of bonuses, how there is never a word of praise, …
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Why I don’t ask “why” anymore
By AlohaTraveler “Why?” Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know. Why did he ____________________ ? Why couldn't he _________________? Why does he think _______________? Why can't he stop _______________? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There's nothing. Let us pause for a moment and repeat that …
Man’s Best Friend
By Ox Drover Someone sent me a forwarded e mail the other day that I had seen before, but this time, as I read the sweet story about how to tell the differences between heaven and hell, I started to think about my own life in relationship to this story. You may have heard it before, but here is the story. A man was walking along with his dog one day down a pleasant road and he realized that both he and the dog were dead. The road was nice but he began to be tired, hot and thirsty. He came around a bend and saw the most beautiful golden gates, with a kindly looking person standing there. The gate was surrounded by flowers and he thought how beautiful it looked. He approached the kindly …
Emotional and psychological abusers: Coping with chaos and losing your balance
By AlohaTraveler I work at a children's shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” firs …
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After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 5-Getting Angry
Healing from an emotional trauma or extended traumatic experience is a like a long, intimate dance with reality. Or perhaps a three-act ballet. We are on the stage of our own minds, surrounded by the props of our lives, dancing to the music of our emotions. Our memories flash on the backdrop or float around like ribbons in the air. Down below the stage, in the orchestra pit, a chorus puts words to the feelings and gives us advice drawn from our parents' rules, our church's rules, all the rules from the movies and books and conversations that have ever colored our thinking. And our job is to dance our way through the acts. The first act is named “Magic Thinking.” We stumble onto the sta …
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A guidebook for recovering from the devastation of a sociopath
I clearly remember the shock of realizing that everything my ex-husband, James Montgomery, had ever told me was a lie. I remember the devastation of discovering the truth: His entire purpose in marrying me was to get a free place to live, take advantage of my good reputation and defraud me of my assets. All the promises, all the assurances, were literally sweet nothings. They sounded good, and meant absolutely nothing. I remember being paralyzed by my new truth. How could I possibly plan a recovery for my life, when every day I was falling apart? Worse, no one seemed to have an explanation for what happened, or advice on how to handle it. It's been 10 years since I left my ex-husband. …
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