Recovery from a sociopath

Just about every day, Lovefraud receives e-mail from readers who are looking for answers about confusing, contradictory and abusive behavior exhibited by people in their lives. The new readers don't understand what they are dealing with; they just tell, either in a few paragraphs or lengthy compositions, their stories. The e-mails describe some or many of the following behaviors: Pathological lying Pity plays Shallow emotions Devalue and discard Cheating or promiscuity Addiction to drugs or alcohol Controlling demands Financial irresponsibility Manipulation of children Broken promises Claims of “you made me do it” Pleas of “I'll never do it again” The …

Identifying sociopathic behavior is easy; giving advice is hardRead More

Letting go is the point at which our recovery turns around from darkness to light. In previous articles, we have discussed all the stages of magical thinking, how we progressively become more and more willing to accept reality. In a trauma or extended trauma, like a relationship with a sociopath, there is a lot of difficult reality to accept. Here is a recap of our healing stages or strategies: • Denial — the most “unreal” stage, where we say it is not important, where we are at war with our own feelings • Bargaining — we admit it hurts, but we still think it is in our power to change it • Anger — we blame the external cause, we recover our feelings of personal power over …

After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 7-Letting GoRead More

This article continues our discussion of anger as a stage of healing after a trauma or an extended trauma, such a relationship with a sociopath. I have a friend who has been angry for all the years I have known her. She talks about being insulted or scapegoated at work, despite taking responsibilities well beyond her job title for the welfare of the company. She has been instrumental in eliminating several people who managed her. More people were hired and she is still talking about how she is mistreated. I have another friend who calls me to talk about how his boss doesn’t appreciate him. He details how he has been swindled out of bonuses, how there is never a word of praise, …

After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 6-Getting Over Not Being AngryRead More

By AlohaTraveler “Why?” Why is a hard question to deal with when recovering from a sociopath or pathological partner, and yet, when we distill our questions down to their purest form, “why” is all we want to know. Why did he ____________________ ? Why couldn't he _________________? Why does he think _______________? Why can't he stop _______________? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? Why? There is no answer that will satisfy you because you are looking for a reason in the wrong place. Chances are, you are looking for a link between you and what you did and him and what he did. There's nothing. Let us pause for a moment and repeat that …

Why I don’t ask “why” anymoreRead More

By Ox Drover Someone sent me a forwarded e mail the other day that I had seen before, but this time, as I read the sweet story about how to tell the differences between heaven and hell, I started to think about my own life in relationship to this story. You may have heard it before, but here is the story. A man was walking along with his dog one day down a pleasant road and he realized that both he and the dog were dead. The road was nice but he began to be tired, hot and thirsty. He came around a bend and saw the most beautiful golden gates, with a kindly looking person standing there. The gate was surrounded by flowers and he thought how beautiful it looked. He approached the kindly …

Man’s Best FriendRead More

By AlohaTraveler I work at a children's shelter. One day last summer, we were playing dodge ball with the children and it made me think about the Bad Man. When we play dodge ball, we divide the teams children against counselors. To play the game, we divide the basketball court in half with the mid line being the divide between territories and we use six balls. When the referee blows the whistle to start the game, balls begin flying in every direction, someone is “OUT!” and the heated arguments ensue (from the children of course, we adults keep our heads) about the rules and who threw what? Was their foot over the line? Was it before or after “TIME OUT” was called? Which player was “out” firs …

Emotional and psychological abusers: Coping with chaos and losing your balanceRead More

Healing from an emotional trauma or extended traumatic experience is a like a long, intimate dance with reality. Or perhaps a three-act ballet. We are on the stage of our own minds, surrounded by the props of our lives, dancing to the music of our emotions. Our memories flash on the backdrop or float around like ribbons in the air. Down below the stage, in the orchestra pit, a chorus puts words to the feelings and gives us advice drawn from our parents' rules, our church's rules, all the rules from the movies and books and conversations that have ever colored our thinking. And our job is to dance our way through the acts. The first act is named “Magic Thinking.” We stumble onto the sta …

After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 5-Getting AngryRead More

If there is a single category of memories that still can make me squirm, it is the remembrance of what I did to make my sociopath love me. And what I did simply to keep him from hurting me. And what I did to try to understand the things I must have done wrong, because he didn't love me. And all the ways I pretzel-twisted my brain to excuse him for his lies, deception, disrespect and greed. The topic of this article is the next phase of healing from a sociopathic relationship: bargaining. We are in the process of healing from the moment we sustain any emotional trauma. Relationships with sociopaths typically involve many traumatic events, both large and small. Some of these events are the …

After the sociopath: How do we heal? Part 4-BargainingRead More

By AlohaTraveler It took me a long time to clearly define that what the Bad Man was doing to me was... bad. Plain and simple, it was bad for me. Never mind if he was working through pain, never mind if he had suffered many losses or had an unfortunate childhood. Never mind. He's a grown man. He was treating me in a way that I can only define as very bad for me no matter what his issues were. Really, it was unacceptable but at the time, I did not have clear boundaries as to what kind of treatment I would accept for myself before I would draw a line in the sand and say, “No more!” There were lots of excuses he made up and to be honest, there were lots of excuses I made up to try to exp …

Why I say “Bad Man”Read More