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Why I Am Becoming an Ass

By Ox Drover

Many of you know that I have a background and interest in animal behavior, and that I look at the way animals behave and apply what I see to my own life.

I have two mammoth (horse-sized) donkeys (correctly called asses) named Fat and Hairy that I frequently talk about on the blog. Someone called them the Lovefraud mascots, because I talk about them so frequently.

I’ve ridden and owned various horses over the years and they are loveable creatures, but really not very bright. They will trust their safety to you without question once they are trained and will do what you tell them to, usually without protest, even if it gets them into a situation where they will be injured or killed. If they sense danger from a sudden loud noise or something else, they will frequently panic, and in their own panic and efforts to flee the supposed danger, they will injure themselves or run blindly directly into the danger.

Asses, on the other hand are quite bright and will never trust their safety to anyone except themselves. Because of this tendency to refuse to budge toward something they don’t personally think is safe, asses have become labeled “stubborn” and “hard headed” and “balky” and “uncooperative.” In fact, it is not the case at all! They are just very very self-protective and cautious. They will never trust their safety to someone they aren’t sure puts their safety as high a priority as they do.

In the wild, or even with some tame horses, if there is danger, a horse will just take off in all directions at once, but if an ass senses danger, he will assess the situation before he does anything. He will decide for himself to flee or fight, and if he decides to flee, he will make sure he is going in the direction away from the danger. Not so the horse.

Asses never panic. They put their own safety as the top priority and they know that panic puts them at a decided disadvantage in taking care of themselves, over having a cool head in a crisis. While a horse will run blindly in panic and fear, the ass will stop some distance away from the perceived threat and turn around to observe if it is necessary to keep on running.

Asses are not cowards and sometimes they feel it is necessary to fight to maintain their safety.They are quite capable fighters, using their teeth and all four feet as formidable weapons. Because of this tendency, they are frequently used as guardian animals for sheep, goats and other prey-type livestock. They will not allow a strange animal in their territory. I even have photos of a mule killing a cougar. (Mules are half-horse, half-ass hybrids, but have more ass characteristics than horse characteristics. They are quite bright and also take their own safety into their own hoofs.)

Even though both asses and their mule offspring have reputations for being stubborn and difficult to deal with, I see their intense consciousness for their own safety and wellbeing as a positive characteristic that we should all emulate.

A while back I was riding Fat Ass on a trail ride and we came around a bend and he saw something new to him and stopped to examine it before proceeding. It was a bright shiny new white fence, in contrast to the barbed wire fences he was familiar with. He observed and sniffed this fence from a safe distance until he decided it was harmless and then proceeded. If I had tried to force him to proceed before he was ready to proceed, he would never have gone. His attention would have been diverted from examining the potential danger to resisting my forcing him. I could have beaten him with an iron rod and he would never have moved. A horse, on the other hand would have said., in essence, “Okay, if you think it is safe and you are going to hit me, I will go on.” Not an ass. They have minds of their own and their own safety is uppermost in their minds, as it should be in ours.

Like a horse, I have left my own safety in the hands of others. I have let them force me into places that were not safe, because of the punishment they inflicted on me if I did not do their will. Instead of keeping my own safety uppermost in my mind, I allowed others to “rein me in” and “spur me on” into unknown dangers. I abdicated my own good sense and let someone else take over the reins.

When I panicked, when I finally did see the danger that I had allowed someone else to lead me into, I “rode off in all directions at once” like a panicked horse, running blindly, sometimes right into the danger itself. I fled sometimes when I should have stood and fought, and fought sometimes when I should have fled, because in my panic I didn’t take time to assess the situation and come to a reasonable decision about what I should do.

When I was injured, I concentrated on the injury itself, rather than taking myself out of danger of further injury as an ass would have done. I begged my abusers to stop beating me. I gave in to their demands that I do something I wasn’t sure about.

If a horse has been injured or mistreated, it may remain in a hyper-vigilant state of high stress and never be able to relax. It may become nervous and anxious all the time if it has been hurt or stalked. After my injuries by the psychopaths, I became the nervous horse, seeing danger behind every tree. Living in stressful terror and “waiting for the other shoe to fall.”

The ass however, does not live in a hyper-vigilant state. The ass is continually alert for danger, but not anxious. He doesn’t blow and snort and dance the way an anxious or nervous horse does. He has confidence in the best protector of his safety, himself.

Yea, I’m working on becoming an A.S.S.—-Assertive Survivor of a Sociopath!


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133 Comments on "Why I Am Becoming an Ass"

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At my favorite chinese resturant there is a calender and they take the year you were born and give the animal horse, rooster, sheep etc. I am a horse – jeez I thought that ws good but now Ox has explained that if a horse has been injured or mistreated, it may remain in a hyper-vigilant state of high stress and never be able to relax. But I am becoming an ass just like you Oxy – I remember that email you sent me of the ass killing that cougar – dont try to prey on me or I will bite you in the butt…..I have encountered a few predators the past few months, like Quest I have spath radar and I observed them and could see how they were stalking and looking for my weakness’s – it’s is amazing how these predators play by the same rules – and I am happy to be an Ass that recognises danger and avoids it…

I loved the post. How do I become an A.S.S. club member?

Oxy…you’ve done it again. When I was in the FOG, I was acting like a horse. Now I hope to be “morphing” into an A.S.S.

Thanks, Henry…Now I have to get Chinese for lunch. They all have the “Year of the ________” somewhere on the menu or posted on the wall.

Proud to be an ASS!

In the world of horses and asses, guess I was right when I referred to the S as a Horses Ass!!!! He has learned to mimick both animals depending on how best to twist the situation and his victim- and carries the title well.

Good morning guys!!!! Glad you liked my little analogy! It really does fit though! Lots of folks get frustrated with the asses cause they won’t be FORCED into anything, you can persuade them, or even sometimes “out stubborn” them, but they are really great critters. These April showers are keeping me from being able to ride very much lately, so haven’t taken them out for a ride lately.

I imagine there are some folks who are going to be “frustrated” with me, too, because I am being so “stubborn” and refusing to do what they want me to do, because I have decided it isn’t safe.

My prayer is that everyone here on LF will be come an ASS and take their own safety and well being into their own hands and NEVER NEVER put their safety into anyone else’s hands completely. Just remember old Fat and old Hairy any time you approach a situation you aren’t familiar with….and do what they would do…STOP, LOOK, LISTEN and ASSess it before you decide what to do.

Hey Oxy — we posted about April showers at the same time…

And let those folks be frustrated — thats on them not on you — you are protecting yourself — thats first and foremost ASS rule!

Never thought my goal would be to become an Ass!! But then again never thought a group of “Asses” could be so bright and fun and strong and caring!! Have an “Asspiring” day….

Well, my sense of humor is kind of TWISTED I guess—who else would name their donkeys Fat ASS and Hairy ASS, but I do have a friend with one named LARD ASS. ha ha and another friend with one named “Kiss…my ASS.” ROTFLMAO

I am now becoming an “eccentric old lady” and loving every minute of it…just being “me” and no longer solely concerned with “what the neighbors think”—funny thing is, the neighbors like me just fine like I am and laugh with me….and I think they wish they could be ASSes too!

Help-
I am literally freaking out and for good reason.

I cannot get into my yahoo account! I was just in it this am!

Of course- my first thought is that my ex– who is a major computer and IT geek– has broken into my account or something.

someone tell me not to panic.
since I am in hiding– when I registered for the account– I did not ive my real name or bday and I don’t remember what I gave.

If he was able to get my yahoo address– would he break in?
Is anyone else having a hard time getting into yahoo today?

I heard some weird computer virus was going out today, but only for PC”S. This is an apple.

I am beyond scared you guys. OH my God.
Pray for me please.
This is how he would find me and my phone number and my whereabouts and all my emails about him. HOly shite.

Dear Meg,

Okay, what would an ASS do? ASSess the situation FIRST.

It is not at all likely that he was able to find your yahoo account since you did not use your real name or real bday….

You are acting like a NERVOUS HORSE, so go back to your ASS thinking—-caution, but not panic. STOP, LOOK, and ASSess the situation.

Chit happens on computers, and the likelyhood of him having access to your account or even finding your account is about ZILCH. Take a breath…and calm your panic. ASSes FOREVER!!!! YEE HAW!!!!

thanks Oxy–

I just had to take an ativan. something I never do– but I am going to unemployment office at 2;30.

if he has my email address– i have a feeling he could break in. He is a master IT guy and so is his bro. hackers– which i did not find out til after the fact–
I will breathe.
Maybe Yahoo is acting weird today.
as am I–

I feel his presence with me today– the ex— not just b/c of this email thing either.
I should never call him, right?
It would not help me to have closure. to have me not be mean—- oh I am outof it right now. I did exercise which is good.

Oxy, wonderful post!!! Who’d have thought that an ass would be our model for self-caring? I want to join your club. I can’t wait to see the hats.

Meg,

You’re getting a message from your nervous system. An alert. As Oxy said, don’t panic. Breathe. Ten long, slow belly breaths. Then look at the thing. Figure out if there is something you need to do, and then proceed.

I just checked my yahoo account and I was able to login. Although they rejected me the first time I tried. This is something I’ve noticed both yahoo and gmail doing in the past. So try again, if you haven’t already.

On the yahoo sign-in page, there is an option (under the password) that says “I can’t access my account.” If you click that, one of the options says “My account may have been compromised.” If you follow that link through, they’ll help you sign on.

Kathleen– I am breathing now. Thank you–

I have tried everything with the login and when I go to I can’t access my account and stuff– well- it’s no help.
I am such an airhead- that when I created this account– I wanted to be sure he could not find my address so I signed in with a diff name bday and all that. I did not write them down.
maybe it is something with yahoo today.
or that computer virus.
Yeah– I am scared though. He is a genious hacker. But– then again– if he wanted to hack me– why would he make it so that I can’t get in? wouldn’t he want me to think that nothing was hapening with my account?
freaking- Meg
this must be PTSD– but there is a huge possibility it is psyco boy. he has found me before.
protect me angels and Jesus

Are you saying that you can’t remember your login name?

no– I know my login name and my password.

I don’t remember my personal name and bday– from when I registered! Ughh.

I guess I’ve been a horse my entire life, I knew something was wrong. I want to be an ASS too! Thank you Oxy for the article, with your help and everyone else’s here at LF I should be able to succeed!

How frustrating. I’d get in touch with them. Use the “contact us” information and explain the situation. They may be able to relieve you of concerns, at least, that you’ve been hacked. And possibly find a way for you to get back into the account.

Back to topic, Oxy, GREAT POST! I want to be an A.S.S. And I want a hat!

Okay, Kathy, you are the PR person, is there a really good artist out there who can design the hats—maybe like Mickey Mouse ears but ASS EARS instead of mouse ears.

We could have a tee shirt with a cartoon of a jack ass, viewed from the back, with his head peaking around his shoulder, and under the cartoon, a “slogan” that says “I’m an A.S. S” Then on the back it would say “A-ssertive S-uvivor of a S-ociopath” Yea, would be great, we could recognize each other in a crowd (with the Ass ears hats) and know each other by the Tee shirts. We could have them individualized with names on the left above where a pocket would be like the guy at the tire shop has “Joe” over his left pocket. Only we could have our screen names instead of our real names! LOL

Thanks for the computer advice to Chic, I am such a computer dummy I don’t know anything about it and depend on my kids to work me through any soft or hardware problems. Fortunately, they are willing!

Chic and Meg, I have been a HORSE too most of my life, at least where my family was concerned, but I am now becoming an A.S. S. and am looking out for myself FIRST….and I am 62 and just now learning! I do love my asses! and All my A.S. S. friends here at LF! (((hugs))))

Oxy, maybe they already make hats like that. I used to live in Florida and, well, have you ever seen the souvenirs people bring home from Florida?

I’m going to see if I can get my son to come up a slogan for the tee-shirts, rather than an ass’s behind. (Somehow I don’t think I’m going to wear an ass’s ass, unless I wear it with the pink tutu which is also highly unlikely.)

He came up with the great line, “Welcome to duhsville,” when I asked him if he though my ex was a sociopath. I don’t think it was original to him, but who knows what he could come up with to go with the A.S.S. logo. Which I sort of imagine as the letters in front of a donkey head which is chomping down with its big teeth on the final “S.”

But I am NOT a graphic artist.

ps. In preparation for LF convention… please bring head shot of your S….for a fun game of Pin the tale on the horses’ ass! Winner receives Hat and Shirt with S face on front of it!

Ha ha ha. When I saw the title of this article, I knew right away who wrote it. Great article, Oxy. I will be Smart Ass, if that name has not already been taken.

At the beginning of the movie “Leaving Normal”, Meg Tilly’s character gets hit by her husband, listens to his lame apology, lets him walk away, thinks about it for a bit, then runs away with only the clothes on her back.

At first I thought: If only life was that uncomplicated. Wouldn’t it be nice to just go… leaving all the S crap forever behind.

But then I thought about it some more. If you’re a smart A.S.S., you don’t let it get that complicated, ever again.

Dear LTL,

We could also play DARTS with those photos (head shots) and set them up for targets on our shooting range out here—-also use them as paper for the bottom of my bird’s cage…there are all kinds of fun games we could play. We could even have squares drawn on the pictures and sign up for which NUMBERED SQUARE on that S’s face the bird would poop on first! I mean gosh, I can think of lots of funnnnn things we could do. Get personalized rolls of toilet paper made….and STAR wants the name “Smart Ass”?—I think that should be MY name! LOL

Glad you guys liked my little essay, but you know, there is a lot to the way the asses DO take care of themselves FIRST, and there is a bunch of good things to be said about that!!!

Maybe smart asses is what we are.

>>>>Stupid Ass

That’s them, not us.

BElieve me, we have GOTTEN SMART, but like the old saying is “too soon old, too late smart!” But I am learning it is NEVER TOO LATE TO GET SMART!!! As one of the “older heads” on this blog at 62, though I know there were a few people here a while back that were about my age, I realize I have “wasted” a lot of years living in the FOG (Fear, Obligation and Guilt) but I am now coming out of that FOG finally. It feels good and I don’t ever want to go back into the FOG, it is too painful.

Instead of seeing those years as “wasted” I view those years now as “schooling”—-and yes, it took me several times of REMEDIAL CLASSES to GET THE LESSON, but those years were NOT wasted, because I have the knowledge to go on and to work on ME.

I look back and my achademic career—starting in first grade, to a year in college, then dropped out, worked, lived, had my children, divorced, then returned, graduated, then post grad work and I realize that each thing I did or each thing I learned built upon the foundation of the learning before it.

Some people “get” that learning without quite as many “remedial classes” in the University of Hard Knocks as I did, just as some people go through first grade to PhD without stopping in between classes….each of us, I think have to get our “learning” in our own unique way and unique TIME FRAME.

I have my PhD in the U of Hard Knocks (UHK) but I finally got the LESSONS in my own unique time, in my own unique way, and my lessons have STUCK this time. No more going back….and no more “labs” where I have to suffer more trauma in order to get the idea of what it is. I already know.

Now it is time to get out into the real world and put my knowledge to workk for ME and reap the benefits of all those years of “study”! Enjoy the fruits of all my labor! But learning should be a life-long process, and I intend to keep on studying and learning and stay on the road to Healing!

Hey everyone–
so yesterday yahoo had locked my account for 24 hours. they said that there had been suspicious activity– with someone trying passwords.
Scary– cuz I know who it would be. Then again it could all be a mistake.

I am feeling sad today. Sent out more resumes. written more letters.

went to employment office yesterday and boy is that humbling. I remembered that I was voted most likely to succeed in high school and that was in a college prep school in a upscale suburb of Chicago.
Now–in the physical world I have lost everything and am at ground zero. no one else in my graduating class can say that. All b/c of a pathological liar who saw a good, yet emotionally fragile person with a childhood of abuse?
It all seems and it all is so unfair.
and when I think that my S inherited millions the day he dicarded me– it makes me want to just die.
and I stuck by his side as a photographer. even got him his first real job–at a college.

yeah– this all sucks.
wish i had a place today to go and be alone–

sorry to be negative

Dear Meg,

In spite of your “down” post, you don’t sound as despondent as you did in the past….I think that is good. It is okay to recognize and validate that you got “screwed, but good” and you DID in the sense that he abused and used you.

As far as “most likely to succeed” in your class, I WOULD STILL VOTE THAT FOR YOU, because to me, “success” is to be a good person! How much material wealth or how much bling you have doesn’t make a “success.” My late husband used to be personal pilot to various “success” stories in the form of “material wealth and power” but I can tell you from the tales he told me, the wealth, fame and power they had did NOT make them successful at ALL!. ONe of them was President Nixon, my husband flew him and Pat on the campaign trail, and Nixon was a total FAILURE as a human being as far as I am concerned. Look at Bill Clinton, he still has zillions of dollars and fame, etc but I view him as a total FAILURE as a human being. Doesn’t mean nothing he has ever done was good, just that HE PERSONALY is a poor excuse for a human being and is so narcissistic he makes me want to puke.

You, on the other hand, Meg, are an injured but in MY opinion a very successful person. You are a caring and good person, and that is why you were targeted.

You will find a job, even in these tough economic times, and even though it isn’t the most ideal place, you have a roof over your head and 3 squares a day, so “it could be worse.” (not to sound trite)

I think we ALL need to count our blessings for the things we do have, starting with the ability to care, to love, and to empathize with others. My God, how horrible it would be to BE LIKE THEM, unable to love, always searching for something with meaning and UNABLE TO FIND IT…..trying to buy it, nope, it isn’t for sale, and trying to steal it, nope, is wealth that can’t be stolen….how pitiful they are, how terrible and cursed. I’m glad we are not like them!

This question is killing me.
How is it possible to a sociopath to go to church and be a christians if they lack empathy and have shallow emotions??? Because I know one who plays christian so well that sometimes I get confused.

changedforever–
mine faked the christian thing– just to keep going to this Alpha church group with me– to gain my trust– to talk my talk–
and get into my pants.
it was all an act–
they can play any role whatsoever–
my ex had been married to a woman from Japan and played buddist real well.
and his fam told me after the fact– that he is an atheist who even goes to such group.
and he was going to Alpha– a Christ based group with me in the beginning of our dating…

wolves in sheeps’ clothing

Dear Changed,

OH YES! they can fake it with the best! What better cloak than a “Christian”? Christ even tells his apostles that they must watch for these people who are WOLVES in sheep’s clothing, and will infiltrate the flock in order to get a “free meal” and to con others. Yep, it is for sure the real thing, wolf in sheeps’ clothing. My own egg donor is one of the best!

My Psychopathic son can quote scripture almost as well as Satan. LOL

Mine also “hooked” me with his fake Christian lifestyle. He Conned/befriended our pastor before I met him when he was “recovering” from his first divorce- fresh outta jail (unbeknownst to me). He went before the church with his sob story asking for a job, and a deacon gave him one.

Now, only 3 yrs. later he’s managed to dismantle his life again. He lost the job due to using company computers for his porno addiction. He’s ditched the church that poured out unbelievable trust and sympathy for him -conning everyone.

He commented to me that although he claimed he was a Christian he “never told me he was “born again”, that was OUR ASSUMPTION.”

Leave it to a S to try and get off on a technicality! Guess he wins a ” Get outta Hell free card” – wait mister, thats good for only 90 days, If you thought that was 4 life, that was YOUR ASSUMPTION.

oh oxy, great article! I want my best ASS-ets to be like yours!

Dear Sabrina,

Nah, you don’t sweetie, my “ass-ets” is about a size 14 now! LOL

Thanks, glad you liked the article, the “boys” (Fat and Hairy) are really great guys. They’ve taught me a lot!

Help. It’s started. Everyone says divorcing a sociopath is when all their guns finally come out, right?

He’s spent the last year and recent days in weeping, begging and declarations of love trying to manipulate his way back into my life, and almost succesfully. It is finally over for sure and now he is revealing his true face towards me, — he has slapped me with a no contact order in which he lied and twisted the truth.

A year ago I discovered my husband had been leading a double life for many years: involvement with strip clubs/ strippers and pornography of the worst sort, including possibly child pornography (young teens); profiles on numerous dating sites (sexual hookup sites) — on one he actually stated that he was a married man looking for a MARRIED woman, or any woman who would go with a married man; discovering he had given me an STD; lies, lies, lies and more lies including having deceived me about our business.

After I filed for divorce and went to the accountant, the banker, and the insurance agent they all said I could not obtain records without his permission. Apparently when we incorporated over ten years ago he did it so that he was 100% stock owner, all the while boasting to people that we were co-owners, a boast that I always found extremely odd. To me this went without saying — we started it together and are long term marriage partners. He tried to wriggle out of this one blaming his attorney and claiming he had no knowledge he was sole owner, but there is incontrovertible proof to the contrary.

Speaking of WOLVES in sheep’s clothing… my husband of 33 years was in full time ministry at one point, and in recent years has been actively teaching the Bible as a lay elder in his church. We are talking here about someone who claims and believes himself to be born again, not just using this as a cover, at least not consciously? He still has the ear of the pastor and is one of his chief advisors. He has so maligned me to them, so minimized his deeds, and has appeared so sincerely repentant that they still receive him with open arms and have been pressing for our reconcilliation.

After I discovered his other side I promptly filed for divorce, but it’s been an absolute mentally torturous year because of his extremely sincere sounding LIES. With the very proof right in front of my face I could almost believe his words instead. Absolutely discombobulating!!! It’s driven me almost insane or to the point of thinking the thought of suicide (I couldn’t do that though). The confusion has been almost unbearable. And to top off his persuasive pleadings, my own weak conscience about did me in — I am ever ready to take the blame, to forgive, to go the extra mile, to give him the benefit of the doubt, to understand, and to give him continual passes on any and all behavior for the sake of doing the right thing and keeping my marriage vows. For 33 years I put up with extreme verbal abuse and extreme neglect in every area of our “marriage”, including physical intimacy, to say nothing of the entire lack of emotional intimacy, all to do the right thing.

Even with the horrible history of the marriage, and the revelations that finally made that history make sense, I have been stupid enough to be swayed by him, almost to the point of considering reconcilliation. The only thing that has kept me from capitulating to him is the TRUTH! I have held my ground that he has to come completely clean with me first, before I would even consider reconciling. You see, I know for certain things he is still lying to me about — some things he does not know I know, and I have been holding out for him to voluntarily tell me those things as proof to me of his sincerity. The problem is, is that he has so much more to hide than I even know so he doesn’t know which ones to tell.

There also happens to be loads of things he denies for which there is massive circumstanial evidence. How is it that every one of these things just happened to happen as he claims? The STD just appeared out of the blue, his work hard drive just happened to crash and disappear for good within hours of the home computer being taken to the computer forensics man, etc., etc.

As to the TRUTH keeping me free from him, it has not been easy to hold onto. I’ve had to do it on the basis of pure reason alone as my emotions were not usually with me in this.

I have more to say, probably never got to the original thought but am exhausted, and this is so disjointed as it is.

I’ve never posted before, but have found tremendous help here. Thank you all.

nomore: Wow, 33 years, and it just sounds like you have been through everything!! I am glad you are here! Welcome! I too have found tremendous help here. You seem to be standing strong! You need to do the right thing for yourself this time. Emotions are tricky, aren’t they? Keep posting and work yours out here with us!

nomore_discomBobulat-glad you posted. Sorry you have to be, but glad you’re here. Tell us your story, when you’re ready.

As has often been said: The TRUTH will set you free, but first it will piss you off!

I was lucky…. after 25 years I was already devalued and discarded, and the new idealized white knight had been acquired. No pity plays, no apologies…a quick divorce and only contact is about a daughter we share. Three years later, I feel nothing for the ex and have my life to live.

Stay strong. Stay here. You’ll make it.

Jim

Dear nomore_discombobulat,

Welcome to LF and glad you have found help here! Actually, you sound pretty sane for someone who has gone through soo much! LOL I’m even afraid to go back and read some of my earlier posts, because I KNOW when I wrote them I was NOT SANE! LOL

Hang on to that TRUTH, and I too know it is difficult to hang on to the TRUTH with them and others telling you that you are insane until someitmes I would start to believe I was insane, and damned near was! Near, heck, I WAS INSANE!

Again, welcome to LF and glad you found this place, I can truly say that this place helped me to save what sanity I have left and has been a healing place to be.

At least you have one thing, your sanity, so hang on to it!!!! TOWANDA!!!! If you’ve been around I think you know what that means, but if not, let me know and I’ll explain it!!! ((((hugs)))) and my SINCERE prayers are with you, believe me there IS A GOD! And I believe that just as there is a God of Love, there is a Satan of evil, and your P seems to be in the enemy camp. (aren’t they all!) I am finally iin all this insanity learning that “God will not be mocked” so the war is not over yet!!! Keep faith!

I saw the title of this article and I just knew… it has to be OXY! Great Article! GREAT!

I have something to say but work does calll… so I will come back later.

But I am going to think about being an ASS all day. This is so wonderful!

Guys–
I am sorry to be a pain in the ASS-but—
why oh why oh why am I “jonesing” for my N/P/S so much right now?

Have had NC since Oct. I am in hiding. In another state. He can’t find me-

and yet– I wish that I could call him and say hello– it’s like I can feel him with me? This is really messed up!!!!

Please remind me to stay in NC b/c my sick mind thinks I can just pick up the phone and say hello– I must be insane.
bu hey– it is not normal to have someone loving you one minute and discarding you then next–

I miss the man I love sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much.
and i really miss him in Physical ways if you know what I mean.

I was remembering today– that about a year ago– a dear girlfriend of mine was asking if I wanted to move to FLA and start over near her–
I told my S. It was not like he was making any proposals to me and at 38– I need some permanancy in my life. Excuse spelling.—

So you know that he texted my friend– without telling me–

“When she ends up homeless and needing money and a job– are you going to be there for her? I am not”

You guys– if this man had really loved me- like he was telling me and his family appointd psychologist–
wouldn’t he have spoken TO ME– and told ME THAT HE wanted a future with me– and don’t leave and let’s get married and I LOVE YOU—
what the hell?

He was keeping me s a little prisoner of his sexual leisure– and lying to me all the way.. How was to know.
some days i do not think I am going o survive this–

SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I MISS HIM. I loved who I thought he was so very much.

I dreamt of him all nite and morning. i dreamnt– and it was at first so therapeutic–
i dreamt that I spoke heart to heart, one on one with his exwife. She understood what I had been thru. She said that she knew he had been taking advantage of me and my severe state of depression–

two mins later– I go into a bedroom– and they were already in bed together-you know– he can even seduce people once they know what he is with his marvelous looks and lies and tales of persecution.

why can’t i call him. Why?????????

Meg,

What your missing DOES NOT EXIST! You cant miss something that is not there. You need to except that, And start Start loving yourself.

Listen to your own words, “If he loved me he would….” He doesn’t love you. He can’t, he has a disease. He’s not capable of admitting it. It’s part of the disease.

Akitameg…

“Please remind me to stay in NC b/c my sick mind thinks I can just pick up the phone and say hello”“ I must be insane.
bu hey”“ it is not normal to have someone loving you one minute and discarding you then next”“”

Don’t call him. He wasn’t real. He wasn’t normal. You answered your own question. He’ll only cause you more pain.

Stay NO CONTACT

You know why. We’ll be pulling for you. Try to distract yourself…exercise, music, talk to a real friend, anything…but don’t call him.

Jim

Guys–
what if I contacted him via internet and pretended to be someone else that knows me– and tried to find out if he misses me or not?

how could that person not exist?
this is so evil.

I could say I am some friend of meg and i am looking for her, blah, blah.

gosh– I have even thought of saying I am her sister or bro and that she has died and get his reaction.

why am I experiencing this?

of course the therapist I have begun seeing– have seen her twice– in on vacation in England.

why do I want to call his exwife and feel like it would help me or i could shed light on her/the family about his true nature–

i amreally, really hurting.

Great analogy but what about the animal that isn’t ruled by fear at all? I can’t get my dachshund to stop trying to challenge the pit bulls he encounters!

Meg…

Well, I’ve been lookin’ through my kitchen…no cast iron…but I got a pretty heavy cast aluminum skillet…(((Hugs)))

I can’t wait forever for you to start singing again…why did you stop?

Don’t do it!

Meg,

Do you want to hear more of his lies????Your better than that aren’t you? This IS the best place to be to shed light on this messed up situation. Your talking to right people right here.

Hey Jim–
Let’s see. I stopped singing when began having physical probs of acid reflux.
Then– even when my reflux goes away– it is like something INSIDE OF ME has died. Singing came from my heart. My soul.
I do not feel in touch with it anymore.
maybe it is depression?
and yet– the best thing for me in the past when dealing with depression (had it since age 14) was TO SING.
yeah– I feel like my spirit has died inside and i do not even have the energy to create/to sing.
and the reflux– I have had an endoscopy– nothing apparently wrong.

My gosh– three years ago– before I met him—-
a producer who works with paul McCartney heard me perform i Charleston– he wanted to help me move forward.
My depression and the entire S thing got in the way– and now i feel I can’t even sing anymore–

My voice was an extension of my spirit.
I think since I have literally experienced evil–
something in me can’t rejoice– can’t sing anymore. something died.
singing doesn’t feel good anymore.

some fire was put out.

I wish I could go on Oprah or something. i need help in completely stating over. Miracles.

Lost in AZ– thank you–
i used to live in tucson AZ. Went to U of A. I wish I never left— but wow– my sociopathic, narcissistic father influenced me to leave at the age of 19 and I did.
I have never been the same since I left AZ.

I am lost outside of AZ.

U of A had the best musical theatre program– even better than what I had learned in a school in NYC.
Maybe it is the mountains and saguaros that make singing even better.

Maybe I should go to Sedona and go camp out on the rocks and get healed…..

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