Every Saturday morning I take my golden retriever, Sadie, for a walk at a park on the edge of the city. It is a quiet time, a time for reflection, for musing, for dreaming. This morning the world was blanketed in a white veil of fog. There was no city view, no vistas of the grandeur of the jagged ridge of the Rockies marching along the western skyline. Sound was softened by the denseness of the air around me and my vision was limited by the marshmallow-like mist of the world surrounding me. It was a magical grey on white landscape of misty hills rolling into nothingness dotted by the stark relief of naked trees holding their ground against the fog swirling around their frost laden …
When the trigger is pulled
Editor's note: This post was written by M.L. Gallagher, who was romantically involved with, and almost destroyed by, a sociopath. She has written a book about her experience called, The Dandelion Spirit: A True Life Fairytale of Love, Lies and Letting Go. Lovefraud recommends the book for anyone who is trying to understand how sociopaths manipulate their victims. M.L. Gallagher will be posting regularly to Lovefraud. Jack and I have been friends since high school. Last fall when his marriage of twenty-two years dissolved, he arrived on my doorstep, emotionally drained, bruised and fragile. As he tried to make sense of what had happened to his life, our friendship deepened. Recently, …
Fear and loathing when the sociopath returns
In August Lovefraud posted a story called One woman's experience of romantic manipulation. The information was submitted by “Survivor,” who had been targeted by someone whom she believes is a sociopath, and lists her observations of behaviors that, in hindsight, indicated how she was being manipulated. Survivor wrote to Lovefraud recently—the guy was back. Survivor had finally taken a step to be social again, joining a singles group. The guy found out and joined as well. I told her that No Contact is the best policy, and she might want to drop out of the group. To confront—or not What happened next illustrates three things: 1. The amount of psychological damage that sociopaths infli …
Pop psychology doesn’t work with sociopaths
I remember the first time I had proof that my ex-husband, James Montgomery, was cheating on me. Montgomery had talked me into giving him a credit card to use. He charged things on the card, and I paid the bills (a good deal for him). One time the bill came and it listed a charge for the Berlin Motor Lodge. This is not Berlin, Germany. There's a small town called Berlin not far from where I live in New Jersey. It isn't much more than a blip on the highway. Now, my ex was always away on "business." But there was no possible business reason for him to stay at this budget motel that was only about 40 minutes away. The only realistic explanation was that he was there with another woman. …
How do you help someone snared by a sociopath?
Lovefraud recently heard from a woman who was concerned for her daughter. Here is her e-mail: Currently, our daughter is married to a sociopath. He has taken us (her parents) for thousands and thousands of dollars, then turned her against us. These people victimize people and are somehow able to make themselves look like the victim. They have 2 small children. He has completely isolated her from her family, including her sister. He completely hates me and has made me the enemy, for I started seeing through him. Do you have any idea how I can possibly reach her to make her see the pattern? This man has felonies on his record for scheming to defraud; he has cheated people all his adult …
How sociopaths are diagnosed
Sociopaths are difficult to identify—in part because they all behave differently, and some are worse than others. There are sociopaths who hold a job, get married, attend church—yet emotionally abuse their families, cheat on their spouses, manipulate their coworkers, steal from their employers, and never get caught. There are sociopaths who never work, torture animals, con their relatives and commit cold-blooded murder—and end up in jail. And there are plenty of sociopaths in between. The point is that sociopaths exhibit a wide range of behaviors. So it is not just the behavior that defines the sociopath—it is the personality traits as well. Dr. Robert Hare has identified the key sym …
He or she is a sociopath–now what?
Before you figure out that you're involved with a sociopath, your dominant state of mind in the relationship is confusion. There are times when he (or she) is the most charming person on Earth. But he has been lying to you for so long that you don't know what is true and what is false. One day he says the two of you are soul mates, the next day he beats you. You're walking around on eggshells, never sure when a minor issue will send him into a rage. Nothing makes any sense—until you realize that you're dealing with a sociopath. Then suddenly, like a bright light coming on in a dark room, it all makes sense. But now, if you're still involved with the predator, you have to decide what …