By | November 29, 2006 10 Comments

Healing from an encounter with a psychopath. It’s all in my perceptions.

Recently I was hired to write a script for a video on Mammography. While working on the voice-overs, the actress hired to do the narration kept stumbling on one line. I knew it sounded awkward but was having trouble changing it. The Director and I looked at the sentence — The fact that the screening mammogram might have saved her life, is not a myth. It’s a fact.

“It’s the word, fact. It appears twice in the sentence and makes it awkward,” I said.

We struggled for some minutes to think of a word to replace it with, but couldn’t find one that fit.

“We can’t change the last two phrases,” I said. “They have to go together because that’s the power statement. It’s not a myth. It’s a fact. We’ve got to find another word for ”˜fact’ at the beginning of the sentence.

Listening from her perch in the recording studio, the actress spoke up. “What if you move the ‘it’s not a myth’ to the beginning of the sentence? Then it would read, It’s not a myth that the screening mammogram might have saved her life. It’s a fact.”

The Director and I looked at each other with stunned expressions. Such a simple and elegant solution. But, because I had stated from the onset that we couldn’t separate the two phrases, it’s not a myth and It’s a fact, we didn’t look for a solution that didn’t include the two phrases together. My statement of ”˜how it had to be’ limited our ability to look for a creative solution based on possibilities rather than only looking at what was.
The power is in our words

The same is true for surviving and healing an encounter of the psychopath kind.

There is power in our words. Sometimes we use words that limit and inhibit us from claiming our true selves free of the pain we knew when with him/her. We tell ourselves, I’ll never get over him. I’ll never trust again. I’ll never find love again. We see our lives through the context of those statements and tell ourselves we are powerless to change our thinking. In that telling, we limit our ability to move beyond their lies to find more creative, original solutions to living our lives in freedom.

While with the psychopath, I saw my devastated life through eyes that could not see the end of my story without him in it. Once freed of him, the ending of that part of my journey was easy to see — all I had to do was remove him to be able to breathe freely again.

But, I still felt the yearning, the desire to think of him.
If I had told myself, ”˜I can’t get him out of my mind’, I would have looked for solutions that were based on having him on my mind. By telling myself, I will not let him into my mind, I looked for solutions that that did not include him in my thinking.

I am my perceptions

I am my perceptions. My world is made up of what I perceive — not necessarily what is.

The truth is — my thoughts are created within me. They do not, however, have to control me, unless I give into them. I can get him out of my mind when I make the choices that keep my mind free of thinking of him. When I put my mind into No Contact, I keep thoughts of him from swamping me. Without fear of the Tsunami of memories of him, I can lovingly let myself embrace my life without him.

It may not be a perfect life, it may be a different life than I once thought it would be, but it is my life free of abuse.

Separate the pieces of the puzzle and create the picture you want

Before his arrest I believed my life was inextricably tied to his lies, his abuse, his manipulations. I could not see me without him in the picture. By separating the pieces of the puzzle, by putting me into the picture first and by focusing on the piece with me in it, without him, I created a picture — bolder, brighter, more beautiful than anything he ever could have done.

My life today is built on the reality of my world without him. I do not feed off of his lies, I do not succumb to his terror, I do not wallow in self-denigrating abuse. I am free.

Like the actress who suggested restructuring the sentence, and was willing to separate the two components I thought had to stay together, I am creating my life based on what is possible when I focus on what is best for me and not what was impossible with him — truth, dignity, respect and love.

Posted in: M.L. Gallagher

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I think what is hard is that despite our ability to “block out” thoughts of the person with whom we thought we shared love, and even accepting that everything that person did was a lie and a deception…EVERYTHING. We can’t escape the fact that on our end, we were really in love.

I must validate the fact that I loved…even if I was emotionally abused and mislead. Sure, it’s over. Sure, I understand the person is toxic and has serious problems and the deception was not my fault and did not occur because I was weak. Yet, I still loved and I am proud of that! When I mourn that time of my life, I must mourn the love I felt – not the imposter of a lover I was involved with.

My love has value no matter how it was gained. Before I can be free I must validate what I gave, even if it was one-sided.


And you know…that’s what we have going for us that they don’t. We experience life fully with a full range of emotions – good and bad. They don’t. We are superior to them, not the other way around. Our vulnerability is our strength and they will never know love. We know life more fully than they do.


The comments above are so deep and related to my life too. I too loved someone that manipulated my love and now after 12 months, I am no agry anymore, I am grateful that he showed me that I can be a human and able to feel love. I am so capable of loving someone without the regret. Yes, he took money, yes he made my cried. But after all that is all he took. I have my soul back, my freedom and the knowledge and feeling of how true loves feels. I am moving on and now more caucious, but I will love again. He will not take my soul and who I am

will be okay

It’s only been 3 1/2 months since I discovered my perfect boyfriend, is really a sociopath, who was just using me for sex all along. I am a widow, raising 2 kids on my own. My childrens father was a good man who loved me very much, so I know good men are out there. But this damn sociopath, seemed perfect for me, and ofcourse now I realize- that was by design, his design. I was the perfect victim, a woman who had known love, and would trust, but was now alone. The problem is, I can’t stop thinking about him, and what he did to me, and I have to constantly remind myself, that the man I loved- does not really exsist!!! I feel as though I will never get over him, and I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to trust again. Thank You for writing this blog!! It is an inspiration, and I think I’ll read it over, and over- until I finally believe it & feel it.


First, remember that your dealing with a sociopath so cut all connections. No phone calls, no e-mails, no messages through friends or family ect…nothing !!! Next…get a long term restaining order and document all the indecent things the sociopath did to you. Never forget it !!! Don’t cry…you already did that…time for action now…that’s how you heal…move on…get counseling and learn how to recognize all the red flags and join LOVE FRAUD !!! God Bless You !!!


will be okay–
“the man you loved does not really exist”
that’s it right there. How do we reconcile the person we loved with the person they really are? I know I have a very hard time trying to do that. Staying busy doing constructive things for myself helps a lot. Building my business and helping out my family. Every time I think of who I thought the psycho was I force myself to think of someone else who I know I can trust or who I am very attracted to, and I can stop thinking about the psycho. Out of mind-Out of site! Takes effort though, no getting around it.

Just remember — these people have PERSONALITY DISORDERS. They are ill with something very strange. Every day that goes by I feel better and I am grateful I figured out this person and got away from him. Rather than try to figure him out, I must focus on my own life and keeping busy with my own projects and friends/new lovers.

The person I thought he was still haunts me, and it is an eerie haunting — but it is only a haunting. I am my own Ghostbuster 🙂

will be okay

Thanks TAMTAM, and LAMan. As far as the restraining order goes, thats part of the problem. HE wen’t and got one against me!! He lied to the police, making me look like a psycho stalker, 1 week after I caught him cheating- so I would stop texting him, about what a evil, loser he is (didn’t wan’t his new girlfriend to find out about me). Then he lied to our supervisors, partially responsible for getting me fired (It also didn’t help that I posted him on playersandpsychos, which became a soap opera involving the entire company). Then he wen’t to the court, lied 5 times in an addendum to get the PPO, I took him to court to fight it, but I was upset about the lies, he was cool as a cucumber!! The judge said to me “you still seem angry” I said “I’m angry that he lied” the judge turned to him, smiled and said I’m upholding the order. So not only did I realize my 1 1/2 year relationship was a fraud, My perfect boyfriend is really an evil, pathological liar, but I also lost my job, and I am a single mother of two. All these events happened in a span of 3 weeks, I lost my health insurance, and can’t get medicaid because of the unemployment, so I have been unable to get the mental health help I truley need. My entire world crashed down around me, and yet I still have these two beautiful kids to raise, and be strong for. A shrink sure would help though.


Whew, that’s a rough story!
You can’t win at their game. It’s a lunatic’s game. Once he is out of your life completely, don’t allow your thoughts to dwell on him. Whenever he enters your mind tell yourself “I don’t think about that,” and replace the thought with something positive–ie. your kids, or someone else in your life. This really works, and then you win! He wants you to hurt. He wants you to be mad. Therefore, he doesn’t deserve any mental energy of yours. You’ll train your mind to stop thinking about him, and you’ll heal much faster.

Call your city or county mental health services. They can usually refer you to a shrink that will counsel you for cheap. Counseling is very important, too. I have a shrink who kept me on track all through this mess and after. Absolutely a help!

Finally, good luck on your job hunt. A time to start fresh. Again, if you find yourself angry at that jerk, then pour that energy into your job hunt to show him that you don’t need him. Your success now that you are through with him is how you win and get healthy again!

You will meet someone good for you in the future. You know you will. Just don’t discuss the psycho (never use his name again, even in your thoughts, btw, label him “the psycho” or whatever label you choose – helps stop the pain) …anyway, just don’t discuss the psycho during your future dates — a real date killer!

Of course, all of this is easier said than done, but we can do it. 🙂

will be okay

Dear LAMan, Thanks for all the great advice, and inspirational messages. “The Psycho” I like that. His PPO is making the job hunt more difficult, He’s a paramedic stationed out of a hospital, and I am an EMT, who NOW can’t go to that hospital (which also happens to be my local hospital). Theres also a good chance I’ll run into him, once I do find a job, not looking forward to that!! I really am going to make every effort to not let myself think about him, or what he did. Thanks again, It’s nice to talk to someone who understands, especially when they give such good advice!! Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays (To Everyone)

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