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Fear and loathing when the sociopath returns

In August Lovefraud posted a story called One woman’s experience of romantic manipulation. The information was submitted by “Survivor,” who had been targeted by someone whom she believes is a sociopath, and lists her observations of behaviors that, in hindsight, indicated how she was being manipulated.

Survivor wrote to Lovefraud recently—the guy was back. Survivor had finally taken a step to be social again, joining a singles group. The guy found out and joined as well. I told her that No Contact is the best policy, and she might want to drop out of the group.

To confront—or not

What happened next illustrates three things:
1. The amount of psychological damage that sociopaths inflict
2. The difficulty victims have in recovering from the damage
3. The cluelessness of people who have not experienced the devastation of a sociopath

Here is Survivor’s letter:

I wanted to let you now how right you are about the no contact policy. I wrote you last week about the sociopath joining a singles group that I had also joined a few weeks before him.

His finding me there and joining that group fully aware that I was also a member terrified me. I didn’t want to be terrified and felt “owned” by my fear. I wanted to be able to confront my fear and well that has turned out to be a rather bad idea. I share this with you because you and another woman seem to be the only people who understand. My therapist doesn’t even seem to get it. I’ve been even “scolded” by friends and told to get over it and let it go and stop letting him have power over me. The healing process is slow and just when I thought I was ready to venture back out into the world at large and be ready to meet new people he is there again. I don’t live in a small town, but a large metropolitan area and the coincidences are strange.

Last week I sent an email to the singles group coordinator . . . a woman in her early 40s explaining that I was probably going to drop her group because he had joined and I couldn’t be anywhere that he was and didn’t like the idea of him being able to see which events I had RSVPd for. I even gave her some examples of his behavior, told her I feared him and that he had been stalking me periodically for months. The coordinator said she didn’t want me to drop out and that she would think of a solution and check into him. Yesterday, I got an email from her. She apparently contacted him and shared the situation with him and came up with a resolution whereby we could “share” her singles group with me having precedence of opting to join different activities and RSVP Yes or No within a week after they were posted. He agreed to this . . .OF COURSE because it was another “win” for him.

I can’t tell you how upset I was that my good intentions to warn this woman went this way or that she really didn’t understand that I AM AFRAID and the examples I gave her of his behavior didn’t seem to make any difference. Of course, she was probably charmed by him. He signed up for an event occurring two weeks from now and she was encouraging me to attend this event stating that the other members “would keep me safe.” She proposed that this shared arrangement of her activities continue to the end of December and was hoping that he and I could work things out by then, but if not, she’d ask him to resign the membership of the group.

I kept thinking that I needed to confront my fear and by doing that I would get over it. My not so brilliant idea motivated by my fear was to email him and ask him to meet me and I would have a friend there with me and just tell him that I did not want any further contact and if he started joining other clubs I was involved in, I would consider that further stalking. He responded quickly to my email, but said he was busy and wanted further clarification about “what happened” in August the last time we were in touch. I responded that I was not going to participate in the singles group and was not going to discuss anything else. No reply from him, but once again . . . in hindsight I most likely didn’t do the right thing. I should have just followed your suggestion and ignored the whole situation.

I guess you could say that this email serves to show that dealing with a sociopath is going to be far, far different than anything you’ve ever experienced. The rules for social contact do not apply here. I guess I had to be kicked upside the head again to keep learning the lessons.

Thank you, Survivor, for being willing to share your story.


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20 Comments on "Fear and loathing when the sociopath returns"

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I agree with everything thats been written here, But I would like to add listening to your gut feelings as far as infidelity goes. In my case my ex sociopath is not violent, so I never felt any gut feelings about terror or danger. He was however quite ‘a flirt’, he works at a hospital, so there were a whole lot of nurses to flirt with. His cell phone was full of womens #’s that were ‘just friends’ to which I heard “I can’t help it if all my friends are women” He would then make me feel like I was insecure about it. Like there was something wrong with me, to be so jealous. In my heart my gut feeling told me ‘he was a man who needed to be watched’ I thought maybe he could cheat. But since we talked 24/7 I never thought he was, talking 24/7 was why I caught him so quickly, but ofcourse as I replay the relationship over in my head (a million times) I have to admit, she may not have been the only one, and probably wasn’t!

My Advice: Trust that gut feeling as far as other women are concerned as well!!!

It was fear of possible fraud caused by mail addressed to multiple strange names which caused me to ask Mr X to remove himself from my house. It took a furthur year to remove him due to my family issues demanding my attention and his pity plays concerning his health . After a year away leeching on another single mother I find he’s used my address again for all his dealings, presumable so his new victim/victims will not find out about his true situation or find out about legal actions being taken. He did not ask if he could use my address. He just used it. Why not? It was convenient to him and by the way its very hard to detect or know if someone has put their driving license on your address. They can use a PO box to actually get mail and use your address as a street address to pretend they have one. A street address that has no history of fraud attached is a valuable assett for a scammer. I cannot tell you how disgusted I was to get this mail. It’s not “only my address” its a total invasion of my rights and a direct attack on my credit rating. Let alone the thought that he might be collecting things from that address at times when no-one is home. Creep creep creep! I made sure I took out a substantial loan some time back after he was coerced into departing and have paid it ahead clearly separating my financial behaviour from him but the attitude of male police was unbelievable. Yes they said, anyone could put their license at your address. How the hell then do they find anyone if they need to. It took several visits to the police station to insist that they remove my address from under his name on their records. How dare he and how dare they persist in listing him at my address simply because that is what is on a driving license when they know how easy it is to falsify that and even told me so!

Denise,

Good advice, I’m sure that many people have not thought of this possibility.

I know that in my state, your auto insurer must be notified of any licensed driver who lives at your address, so it may be possible to call them and first of all, see who they have listed as other drivers living with you, and secondly, ask if they know of any possible way to find out if there are any other drivers using your address.

I do believe that they might have some way to tell, as after my MIL got into an accident (she did not live with us and did not have the same insurance co that we did), MY insurance co asked me (when I did the yearly renewal) if she lived with us or ever drove our vehicles. I don’t know how they even knew her relationship to me as our last name is not at all unusual.

And now that I think about it, while it may not be possible for them to do this, it still may be worth a shot to call each of the big three credit bureaus and ask them if there is any way they can tell you if anyone other than you is using your address for credit. You might explain that someone has used your address for their drivers license, and that you are concerned about this. Ask them to document that you called and why so that if anything comes up later, it might be possible to have some kind of proof that you did call to notify them that something may be amiss.

As far as the police go, I would call the DMV where you live and ask if it is against the law to use a false residence address (different from a mailing address which can be a po box) on a drivers license application or renewal, because in my state, IT IS! If it is in yours also, then I would explain to the DMV what happened and give them the name of the officer(s) who told you that is was NOT illegal for someone to do this, and also write a follow up letter to the police department notifying them that you have spoken with the DMV in regards to what you were told by them.

Another thing that I have done is to write on every piece of mail I receive that is not for me (in bright red permanant marker) PLEASE RETURN TO SENDER – ADDRESSEE DOES NOT RESIDE AT THIS ADDRESS.

Hope this helps 🙂

Dear Denise,

If you live in the US—you can send an empty envelope with first class postage on it to HIM AT YOUR ADDRESS…be sure and put your return address in the upper left hand corner, and on the side of the envelope write “FORWARDING ADDRESS, PLEASE” and they will write his new “forwarded” address on it and return it to YOU.

Lostinthedarkness is correct, in that WHO LIVES AT YOUR HOUSE will determine what your insurance costs are…like for example if you had a young male driver living at your house it would make your insurance go up even if you DID NOT LET HIM DRIVE….

And yes, I think in the US it is a CRIME to lie on your street address on your DL or to FAIL to notifiy them within 10 days when you move….and if you get a PO box and LIE on the form for your RESIDENTIAL ADDRESS it is also a crime as residential address is REQUIRED for a PO box legally in the US.

Those “rent an address/PO box” places are also supposed to get a residential address as well but don’t always do so.

Protecting our identity and addresses is important especially in today’s world of international fraud and terror.

Talk about being stalked! My P/S?N tried to contact me every year on my birthday for 40 years. Last year a virus (stopped by Norton) arrived at my computer on my birthday. But at least he never contacts me. I did several things. Like a poster above, I let him know that I left evidence with law enforcement and two girlfriends, including DNA evidence and copies of email and if he ever contacted me or hurt me, they would swing into action. I also told him that I considered he owed me $2000 for therapy (there is nothing like asking a P/S for money to get rid of them). I also told him that the next time he contacted me I would call his wife and ask her to ask him to stop bothering me. I also contacted other women he was targeting. All in all, I think he began to think *I* was crazy. LOL! For whatever reason, all that combined stopped him.

PS It has been more than three years now since he last called and then I told him what was what. Frankly, I think it was telling him I would take him to small claims court to pay for my therapy that drove him off!

I convinced someone Once that I was “crazy” to make him stop what he was doing to me…..and actually it worked….wasn’t a former or X, but just a neighbor, but I walked a fine line between acting crazy and “terroristic threatening” (which IS a crime) but you know, sometimes its worth it. LOL

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