The U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) releases a report stating that about 20 percent of children between the ages of 3 and 17 are living with mental health disorders.
CDC finds mental health woes in one in five U.S. kids, on CBSNews.com.
Mental health surveillance among children United States, 2005 – 2011, on CDC.gov.
BBE: Very interesting list there. I had forgotten about cameras. I never checked, but I’ll be my spath has a camera built in to his computer somewhere. He goes for surgery in a few days, and I might check that out. If he does, I hope he enjoyed the first two years. Now, he is pretty much stuck on a catheter for life. Not necessary a picture that many would want to see….although, they sure can find some crazy fetishes!
fight,
Does he have a desktop,or laptop?Laptops have got built in cams.I’m not sure about updated desktops.
Desk top. I doubt he has a camera. He is into drag queens and a bunch of nonsense. He is not someone anyone would want to look at dressed or naked! It’s both sad and funny to me at this point.
BBE,
Just curious about your statement: “All sociopaths are very much into porn, sexting, “camming” in a sexual nature, even phone sex.”
I’ve wondered about my husband’s activities.Unlike some here, I never checked his online activities.But knowing his past history involved porn and all that goes with it,I wonder if he ever truly gave it up.
He sadistically withheld sex after 5 yrs of being married;so how was he satisfying himself?! Being morbidly obese,I tend to think more that he turned to the internet.He loved the computer!
He would show me explicit pictures (male) and look at my face,hoping to entice me.Does that sound like he was trying to get me involved in porn?Perhaps he figured he would pull me ‘down to his level’.
A few times, the webcam on my desktop has clicked when I had nothing to do with it.That certainly aroused my curiosity!Could that have been him?!
Withholding sex is another sociopath trait. It is the Madonna/Whore complex taken to a different level. In non-sociopaths, this complex manifests itself as not being able to integrate sex and love in an adult fashion. Thus, these people will love a “Madonna” but can only have sex with a “Whore” because of viewing sex as being dirty.
Sociopaths withhold sex for several reasons: 1) They bore of one person quickly; 2) They are withholding sex to get something else from you; 3) They were never really sexually attracted to you in the first place, they were after money or shelter; 4) They are afraid that by revealing their true sexual tastes, they will lose whatever they are using you for.
Actually, my x-spath, being as Steve calls a “sort-of” sociopath, exhibits a bit of each. He was abandoned by his father and raised by his mother and an older sister. The sister is an alcoholic, he is a heavy binge drink, so I must presume that his mother was an alcoholic, especially knowing she died of cancer at a young age. This background, would set the stage a Madonna-Whore Complex.
I know he was physically attracted to me based upon not only things he said but the simple fact that I introduced myself to him because of his intense stare, one that I could see from across the room. In addition, I noticed in pictures that with several male friends, he always posed very intimately, actually partner-like but in no case this was true. This is consistent with the Madonna-Whore Complex.
However, being sociopathic, it goes deeper. Probably the main reason he withheld sex was his HIV status. Certainly in online dating profiles, he goes to great lengths to hide this, but he also does not cover his tracks well, although part of that might be accidental.
Finally, regardless of my looks, I don’t think that he could intellectualize have sex with somebody older than him and his sexual tastes stop at 30. The lower end I can only speculate but I saw some evidence that me might have been guilty once of statutory rape.
So, he wanted me for respect and because due to his mask, I respected him and told him that. Gay Flight Attendants are only marginally more respected than gay male prostitutes, and me and my big Manhattan apartment boosted his ego probably more than anyone in years, because when I met him he was no longer a cute twink boy, just an aging one. A rapidly aging one.
Blue Eyes,
For me, your posts could very well be another piece of the puzzle/blind maze that has been my life for so long that I forgot what real life was.
Perhaps you could read this rather long post–any feedback would be appreciated. I have only been posting for a month.
My spath was diagnosed, all be it posthumously, as a sociopath by a forensic psychologist, after several therapists have reviewed all of his writings.
When I first started to date the spath (mid early 70s) a full time, several year older, man, that he worked with (part time after school, for 8 or 9 years) told me that they had a sexual encounter when the spath was 15 (time frame late 60s). I asked the spath if this was true, he said no and went on to tell me about 2 part time girls in the office that he dated and had sex with. Other people told me about these girls, J&J, as well. The guy who told me did have a reputation as a trouble maker and was known to have gay leanings. My knowledge of sex came from a very strict Catholic school, sex in general was something never mentioned at home, so I just shrugged off the comment.
A little of his background: his parents divorced when he was 3 months old; he was an only child; his mother always worked and was raised by his grandmother until she died when he was 7. From then on he became a latch key kid (a rarity for the time); he didn’t meet his father until he was in his 20s, by which time his father was long remarried and had 3 adopted children, there was absolutely no connection; his mother never remarried.
We did get married, however sex was never a priority with him. Not just intercourse, but he shrugged off any physical contact, hand holding, a hug. God forbid I ever initiated contact.
Moving ahead, he went to law school and I became pregnant. I wanted a child whereas he agreed to a child only because of our fighting threatened to get us tossed out of married student housing and a school counselor suggested having a baby would stop the fights. (My therapist said that was a popular, but erroneous, way of thinking.) After graduating from law school he told me, not asked me, to have an abortion.
I had the baby, which he never bonded with, actually completely ignoring the child, mentioning him only when it served his purposes.
Although graduating in the top of his class, he could not hold a job. In 1986, the ‘gay’ came up again. This time a much older lawyer he was working with told me that he believed the spath was gay and was hanging around with an employee he thought was gay. I asked the spath if he was gay and if so we should divorce, no hard feelings. He told me no again. I phoned the other lawyer and asked him for the name of the person he believed the spath was involved with; he told me that under no circumstances would he divulge this man’s name. He told me all about this guy in general terms but no name. No, it wasn’t the other lawyer but he was very sexual aware; he even told me’I am never wrong about these things’.
I did the only thing I could think of, I refused to have sex with him. Even though sex was very infrequent, I thought that no sex at all, would not want to stay in a marriage. For me to initiate a divorce was not going to happen, as he threatened that if I ever got a divorce he would kidnap the child. It was a chance I could not take.
At this time went to live with his mother, returning again in 1992 with a good job, he asks to come back. Again using the ‘kidnap’ thing if he is not allowed to. My father, it’s my parents house, tells him he can come back but he will live in the finished basement. The following year, he loses that job, as usual, and we ask him to leave, I ask for a divorce, he then sets a couch in the basement om fire. My father promises him I won’t get a divorce as long as he leaves.
He does leave and goes to Florida to live with his mother who has since moved there. He returns in 1998, 4 months after my father died. Looking like a street person, he asks my mother if can come back. She saw the fire he set, she knows about the kidnap threats, she is aware that the neighbors called the police about his stalking, she is also severely depressed over my father’s death. She lets him.
I won’t go into the fraud and forgery, let it suffice that in 2003 he illegally gets control over my mother’s 2 million dollar stock account. The broker never notifies my mother; myself, my mother, and my son have no idea what he did or that the broker let him. My mother is totally blind by then.
Now the spath now has money but what can he do with it? It has to be totally anonymous. Any sniff of his name and his crimes would be exposed and he would be in jail.
He decides on the silent world of internet escorting. Who would ever check for a guy with no interest in sex on a sex site? In the beginning he saw escorts solely for the purpose of instruction and refers to the escorts as ‘teachers’ in his emails to them, even asking them if he is improving in oral skills. He spent over 1.3 million stolen dollars in the world of escorting in a little over 5 years. Over 1000 different female escorts, many with repeat sessions, some for over 5 years. Instead of working he even ‘lived with’ and supported 2 different escorts (different times). All done Monday to Friday, 9 to 5, a total double life. It appears that while he had full sex, he was an ‘oral’ specialist and was lionized on line for it.
After a while though, sometimes it’s not only gals, it becomes MMF and MMFF. All of the men are from the same escorting site and well known to the frequent posting gals. In his on line posts he describes these sessions, assuring the sub-world that ‘swords never crossed’. His emails however tell a very different story. He always tells the other man, while planning these sessions, that he is a virgin in the MM world.
Not all of the meetings were with people from the same escorting web site. He hired a much, much younger bi couple for sessions with him alone.
It appears that a woman was always present during all encounters, irrespective of what activities were happening.
Personal – He took no care of his appearance, absolutely none, but he did shower continually. Even when he did work as a lawyer he never cared what he looked liked, mismatched, wrinkled. When he ‘returned’ in 1998, he had no clothes, my mother gave him the clothes he left 5 years earlier and the ‘around the house’ clothes my father left in the basement: ie. 40 year old dress shirts, pants too big and long and shoes 3 sizes too large, hey it’s what my father left down there. He never bought a piece of clothing again. He wore these ‘clothes’ all during his escorting time; one gal wrote to him ‘to throw away rags he was wearing and get himself some real clothes’. He wore his hair in a ponytail because he couldn’t bother to get it cut. His cars were mini trash trucks. Any space he worked in were no better; when he worked, his office space cover in papers and trash and he ‘decorated’ the basement in the same manner. He never took even took care of his personal things like watch, briefcase, tapes/cds, even ‘his’ computer was uncased with wires and bits hanging out.
Also, I found, hidden behind a paneled wall, sex toys of all sorts. The bottom of the ‘tower’ were main stream toys and clothing but as the pile grew, the toys and clothes became darker and darker, some I had no idea of what they even were or did.
Then there was the booze and drugs. I all of which I was to find out about after his death.
I have no idea if he was gay and afraid to admit it or just afraid, was bi and afraid, or just needed more and more stimulation to get satisfied.
It feels to to finally get this out in the open.
Lost;
Your x-spath seems like the type who will have sex with anyone. What I believe is that he started primarily as heterosexual and did some experimentation with gay sex. However, studies rapidly note that sociopaths not only bore easily of one partner, but move towards continually more “stimulating” sex, be it group sex, gay sex or S&M.
This is the sociopath’s nature.
His appearance and other traits indicate other disorders, perhaps something in the Autism Spectrum Disorders, as personal hygiene issues are very common with them — I would even suggest Aspergers Syndrome, given his lack of attention to dress in a very professional environment and hoarding of papers in a very messy fashion. Interestingly, many with Aspergers Syndrome also can give the impression of sociopathy.
My guess is that he was born with Aspergers Syndrome which predisposed him to sociopathy and his upbringing triggered the predisposition to sociopathy
Too bad you did not take legal action against both him and your mother’s broker when he defrauded her estate. That he blew the money on booze and drugs is not surprising.
BBE I’m not aware of research that an ASD predisposes one to sociopath? On a related note, though it is true that those with Aspergers can appear to those who do not know them well to exhibit some – I stress ‘some’- of the traits associated with sociopathy, principally a seeming ”coldness” in interpersonal style and a lack of empathy, it is vital that people understand that the vast majority of people with an ASD in no way present a danger to others, they are frequently vulnerable, highly sensitive individuals. The lack of empathy exhibited in the interpersonal interactions of a person with an ASD is not malignant, is not sadistic, is not a basis for exploitation of another. It results from the a typical neurological ”wiring” of the autistic brain , causes undeniable difficulties in communication and the ability to form and maintain relationships, but unless sociopathy is co-mordant, all the research I have read indicates the benign character of the person on the autism spectrum. My friend with Aspergers is highly motivated by honesty and fairness, for example. He is incapable of lying. Lying in others repels and angers and confuses him.
BlueEyes, Thank you for taking the time to read my post and respond. Sorry I didn’t get back to you right away, but I needed time to process and appreciate your words.
My personal psychologist, who has countless sessions and beyond with me and the spath writings, also brought up Aspergers traits; and tied it into his lack of caring about anything or anyone and the absolute inability to throw out trash, especially papers; incapable to rationally prioritize things.
He said that a person that had IQ scores of 184 and 181 usually is so involved in their esoteric pursuits they really have no time to worry about themselves. Yet the spath just his threw academic abilities to wind in favor of ‘HIM’. Academics were too easy, no challenge.
To pull off what he did, took years and intense planning. Very few people were/are to ‘con’ so many experienced people, in so many different fields, for so long. He had to perfect so many different ‘skills’; multiple forms forgery, communication, covering the path of a wide variety actions, sussing people out, etc..
But in the end it was always about him. When he died, a long time escort wrote a eulogy. (The escorting board they belonged to has a feature that keeps track of how many times any post is read.) She wrote about how much she was going to miss him and be lost without him; they knew each other well beyond the business of escorting. She also wrote that she is sure that he is watching how many reads his death will get.
She knew him well enough to know that everything was all about him, and unlike other escorts, never used the word ‘love’.
The law suit, actually the law suit from hell. Naive me, I believed that I would call the broker and tell him he was conned and the papers he had were forgeries and the brokerage would put everything in order.
They would not even talk settlement.
Over 10,000 pages of documents, 3 years, almost a half million in legal fees, and a 6 1/2 days proceeding. I won, the broker got a big black mark next to his name; money – compared to what ‘they gave him’ ,pittance of an award. I was told that if it was anywhere but New York the award would have been much larger, if not treble. In certain cases against a brokerage you can not go to court. You have to go in front of a federal three person panel in a closed door proceeding. I had to fly in experts, get a well versed handwriting analyst (former Secret Service counterfeiting specialist), forensic stock broker, economist, stock analyst, psychologists, etc. and, of course, multiple lawyers. Bottom line, the broker knew he was wrong from day one, the brokerage knew they were wrong from very early on, but they wouldn’t admit it. They had no hard defense, so they wrangled and papered me to death, expecting I would give up.
Worse part of all of it, in the week before his death, the spath stole every piece of jewelry in the house, none of which he bought, all of which had sentimental value, irreplaceable, and oh well over 6 figures in value. How he found the jewelry I have no idea; what happened to it, everything from threw it river, gave it to the ‘girls’, sold it on the street.
Talk about planning, the home insurance was do in September, I left the payment on the mailbox for the mailman to pick up (it’s how we mailed things for years, over 10), the spath must have intercepted it, so there was no way to claim anything. The spath also found and ‘did away with’ my mother’s very detailed will. Oh yes, the spath knew he was medically ill by September 2008 and did nothing about it. Death over getting caught was preferable to him.
BBE,
Thanks! I think spath exhibited a bit of each of those 3 aspects of the Madonna/Whore complex.He needed the respectability to get where he wanted to be.He’s still trying!
These people truly have no boundaries whatsoever. They will do, say o watch anything. One of the earlier red flags mine told me was that he had been sexually molested by a teacher when he was drunk and 17. I told him that even though he was 17, he was drunk and the teacher was wrong. I asked him how he felt about it. He said, “It was O.K.” He then told me that his second wife was “turned on” by that story! I later asked him if he was gay and he told me no. This time around, I had the internet. He was dumb enough to give me his standard password because he didn’t have a computer until he got here (shelter is his motivator), so would have me look up things on his library orders, fantasy football, etc. So, I decided to start looking for emails he might have. He has a very unusual last name, so once I knew his typical email address with his name, I began to find his email accounts and use that password to get in. The things I found! On one, he had made friends and had messenger relationships with all kinds of drag queens. On two gmail accounts, I could look up his search history and see that he would search “tranny sex” and go to the site he went to and see this nonsense. When I asked him about it, he told me it was back “when he was drinking” and he just thought it was “funny” to watch two transvestites have sex. Oh yeah. We all know men look at porn for laughs!!! I don’t find him attractive at all at this point. Which is a good place to be.
I think these people are poly-sexual and get aroused by everything and anything sexual. I think they like animals, people, role playing, disgusting nonsense…anything sexualized will turn them on. Anything on paper, on a DVD, on a computer will turn them on. People are less to them than things on a computer having sex. That’s what I have found.
I am certain that my x-spath was exclusively homosexual. However, within those bounds, I am not surprised at anything. On the site with matching questions, he answered like 1000 and I don’t know if he realized that then a ‘premium” user could actually view another’s matching questions, although not their answers. However, their answer could be determined simply by changing an answer to a specific question and see the effect on the mutual matching score.
To “match” better with the x-spath you must:
Be willing to date somebody having a sexually transmitted disease.
View drugs as a means to enhance sex.
Be willing to date a former sex industry worker.
Be willing to date somebody convicted of a sex crime.
There were others similarly shocking that I forget.
Are you experiencing anxiety that he’s going to make contact because of the 40th birthday BBE? Have you blocked him on all media? He may try contacting you via mutual friends perhaps but you know how to protect yourself if so. Don’t let the ‘threat’ of possible contact put you off your stride BBE. You’re a strong intelligent man. If he tries to inflict himself on you again you’ll know what to do.
Actually, the anxiety came from a family issue in another post. When looking for an appropriate place to raise my issue, I saw others and commented about them. I guess the anxiety of one triggered another anxiety when I started talking about it. I have noticed this before.
In fact, while I like to give support here to others, I noticed that breaks always did me good — the yin-yang problem of support.
In February, I received a Facebook poke from somebody I had no contact with for over two years. This was the only FB poke I ever received and was glad he contacted me. However, when I was chatting with him, I could tell he was depressed. When this guy decline to answer a message of mine, I realized he still had feelings for me and I made no further attempt to contact him.
Further evidence is that only pics on his FB are ones taken with me, although he in pics of friends on there pages, some quite nice…
This made me think about how technology makes contacting people very easy, especially regarding somebody with a unique last night such as myself.
Several weeks later, at a bar in NYC, I ran into two guys I had dated (one before and one after the x-spath). Both expressed interest in gong out again. My head was spinning.
When I left the bar, I joked to myself, who next, the x-spath????
But I mean what I said in another post. Those pics are so shocking to me of somebody who for whatever reason is in shocking decline that it underscores the simple fact that we never were soulmates because wellness and taking care of oneself is something I value highly.
I checked one other site. The x-spath’s FB profile page. We are not FB friends but I was curious if ever changed his FB profile picture from the one taken the day we met.
It has not.
But as I said, I no longer fear his re-entry into my life and in some ways now, I welcome it.
Well he creeps me out on your behalf BBE. Barebacking for God’s sake. Just because we’re close to a cure for HIV/AIDS doesnt mean an innoculation is on the horizon. It isn’t, so have a clue people. Plus, didn’t the photo show your flat in the background BBE? I recall some other link to you maybe I’m wrong there.
Yes, my hood, so to speak. And that pic was taken before we met. Could this be merely “trophy collecting” as many sociopaths like to do?
He probably has been HIV+ for years. Interestingly, one of his best friends is also HIV+ but openly blogs about it and is an activist. This person has been HIV+ for 10 years but is nearly that younger than the x-spath.
Many gay men who move from a smaller city to a big one in their early 20s get involved in the club, drug and sex scene and become HIV+. The only comment my x-spath ever made about his past is that he said when he first moved to London (age 23) he was “like a kid in a candy shop.”
I suspect he was HIV+ by 25. For whatever reason, there was a documented big uptick in HIV cases during the early and mid 1990s.
The FB profile pic is very odd given it’s not the best one of his and most people do change them up.
A creepy trophy. That’s what it may well be. There seems something very off about it. Which reminds me to find the creepy trophies thread.
It is. Hence you can see my concern simply because any time he logs into Facebook, he is reminded of me.
However, it is remarkable how two photos on a gay website wiped out those last lingering feelings for him. It is part of the intellectual vs. emotional problem when dealing with sociopaths. We intellectually know they are evil but there is the emotional, even “romantic” side of use that clings to positive aspects…
Those two photos were stunning (and I mean stunning) visual proof that the scousepath does not take care of himself and that his talking of quitting smoking and drinking and perhaps even lying about not using drugs was just to manipulate me.
I value wellness above anything else and such a person could not be a soulmate. And is not and never was.
Tea Light;
Maybe I stated something incorrectly, Aspergers does not predispose somebody to sociopathy; however, there is some overlap among Cluster-B disorders and Autism Spectrum Disorders. And homosexuality/bisexuality, for example among Borderlines:
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3203737/
BBE just picked up this thread, thank you, also what you say about feeling the ex path may contact you around the time of his 40th birthday? Well I didn’t even think when I read that that my abuser might get in touch after 3 quiet months …because of his 50th. That was last week. Two days later he calls from an unknown unblocked number “crying” on my answerphone. Prepare yourself for similar BBE. I should have after reading your post.
Tea Light;
It may have happened last night when somebody left a trace on a gay site where I have profile. This person did not have a public picture and when I replied to his trace, he did not respond to me. I even went as far as to say “do I know you.”
The description is exactly what the x-spath uses in terms of age, weight, weight, hair color, build. The wording is just like x-spath — somewhat sarcastic yet using words like “genuine” — and profile name is SkyXYZ. Remember, he is a flight attendant.
Out of curiosity, I did a search on his profile stats (age, height, weight, hair color, build) and found in all of New York, only about 20 matching those stats. Even setting the search a little wider (his real age, height an inch taller….) there are less than fifty.
So, this is either a one in fifty coincidence or something sinister…
Even if this is somebody else (I am setting up a fake profile to see if I can find out for sure), your experience confirms the experience of others here — sociopaths have no boundaries and will at some point try to get back into the life of past victims.
On a positive note, I was contacted by a person who, on a general level is very much my ideal match, putting the fact that he is 28 aside (a bit too young). When we chatted, everything seemed right about him and I was careful not to say too much to avoid mirroring but he did seem too “right.”
Big red flag — very, very flattering. Still, I was curious to meet him. We set a date then suddenly he is sick. I had no other plans last Saturday night so I basically chatted with him for about 2 hours.
I have not heard from him since. I sent him a txt asking if he was feeling better and received no reply. Of course when I logged into the site he was online…
Thank god for what I learned here. In the past, I might have been frustrated or hurt, now I just take it all in stride. He was too young anyway and the charming red flag plus disappearing act just underscores staying away.
Blue Eyes your comment about your expath, “like a kid in a candy shop.” hit me right between the eyes.
My latespath used the same phrase in his blog when describing his entry into the world of internet escorting: ‘I was like a kid in candy store, that wanted everything on display, one girl at a time, 2 at a time, 3, 4; 3, 4, 5 times a week; multiple sessions in a day; and that it was all so amazing’.
Ironic thing, my dad owned, and ran a gourmet candy and nut store in the City for over 35 years and did work for shoppes and TV, way before Food Network was born.
All of the money and things the spath stole and ‘was given via fraud and forgery’, was money earned from a real life candy store.
A store my father worked in 7 days a week, 52 weeks a year, 12 hour days, never a vacation.
When my x-spath made that statement, he used it in a way to imply that it was the past. Maybe true in the sense of going to bars and clubs, but he just move the feast to the internet.
He was probably a regular at some of the places my friends hung out. In a manner of speaking.
BBE, ”Sky…”?? Look out, look out, there’s very possibly an ex path about. If it was him creeping about your profile then at least he seems keen to keep his identity hidden. Whoever it was, is a creep not to reply to your enquiry. 28 isn’t bnecessarily too young, no? Look at that nice couple in Montpellier France yesterday, first French gay married couple.OK fact fans that isn’t quite true. Two gay men were married in 2004 but a court in Bordeaux ruled that the marriage wasn’t legal. Anyway the couple yesterday, one is in his 40’s, one in his 20’s. They looked great together. Don’t shut the door on some possibly wonderful well meaning gay men in their late 20’s BBE, they could be just your cup of Darjeeling.
Not that one , however. He’s clearly in need of a manners lesson or three.
The abuser was ”crying” that his wife is leaving him. Boo hoo.
Two different guys. The 28 year-old was chatting with me for about a week now nothing. Since he did not respond to my last message, I will not contact him again. We had a week-long ongoing conversion and he vanished; however, he did find time to log onto the gay dating site.
While 28 is not super young, I would still prefer a guy at least early 30s…
The other one’s age 38 (actually he is 39 but lies), height, weight and other personal details fit the x-spath to a tee, other than location which curiously is “New York: Other.” No photos, but as I said the wording, tone and profile name are consistent (eerily so) with the x-spath. I messaged him twice but he did not respond.