Just Like His Father? Is nearly four years old now and my own son is nearly eight. At the time the book was released, scientists were still engaged in the genetics versus environment debate regarding the development of antisocial behavior. That debate is now over and every authority accepts that antisocial behavior and antisocial personality traits develop due to a gene-environment interaction. I am working on revising the book because now some specific genes have been identified.
Thankfully, I have not had to cope with the toxic environment a sociopath/psychopath creates for their offspring. Just Like His Father? doesn’t really grapple with that issue other than to encourage people to consider that the child may be better off with only one parent. At time the book was written, my thinking was based on two false premises. The first falsehood, I was taught in residency, “antisocial individuals abandon their young” has turned out to be perhaps the biggest problem at-risk children face. Antisocial individuals do not necessarily abandon their young, but they do abuse them and use them as pawns to damage other people and they also use them in their cons.
Four years ago, I naively believed that the family courts would naturally dictate that sociopaths/ psychopaths should be kept from harming their children. This second premise has also turned out to be false and is the basis for the nightmare many people I now count as friends are living.
It follows that in addition to teaching the material in the book and workbook, to save at-risk children we also have to take on the system-hopefully by working together. The system is composed of mental health professionals who really do not understand antisocial personality disorder let alone the meaning of psychopathic personality traits to parenting. It is also composed of Judges who want to make the tough decisions easy by giving themselves judicial sound bites to go by. Here is the official mantra of the state of New York Family Court:
“Visitation by a noncustodial parent is presumed to be in the child’s best interest and should be denied only in exceptional situations, such as where substantial evidence reveals that visitation would be detrimental to the welfare of the child.”
The important words there are “substantial evidence.” Just what constitutes substantial evidence? I am working on researching the answer to that question and have access to an extensive online law library through the university where I teach.
I am preparing a generic document that people can use as a resource regarding the harmful effects of parenting by antisocial individuals and emotional and verbal abuse on children. Some recent research shows that the developmental damage done by emotional and verbal abuse is as severe as that due to physical and sexual abuse.
But we really have to change the legal mantra. Given what we know of genetic risk, we have to not only protect at-risk children from abuse, we have to provide them with an enriching, nurturing environment to prevent the intergenerational spread of disorder. The new mantra should be:
“In cases where one parent has antisocial personality disorder (psychopathy) the child deserves the best upbringing the least disordered parent can provide.”
AND
“The least disordered parent has a right to live life free of the sociopath/psychopath they were conned by.”
Setting the least disordered parent free facilitates his/her mental health and contributes to the well-being of the child.
Here is what you can do to join this effort:
- If you went through a custody/visitation battle and your children are old enough for you to comment on how the battle and the sociopath affected them please write me. I am especially interested in talking with offspring over 18 about their perspectives.
- If you have an ongoing situation you are willing to share please write. Recently, people from Alabama and New York asked me for help so I compiled the case law for those states. The goal is to compile the case law for every state then make the info available on the web.
- If you want to volunteer to read the case law and help me organize it, I’ll put you to work right away.
- If you are an attorney or legal assistant who wants to help please let me know.
- If you have political connections, we need you.
I am looking to form a committee of workers committed to this cause.
Last but not least, I regret the title of my book because it suggests gender. The title merely reflects my own personal experience. This is NOT about gender or fatherhood versus motherhood. Normal men love and nurture their children and I do not dispute that children need that love and nurturing. This is about a psychiatric disorder for which there is no proven treatment, antisocial personality disorder/ psychopathy.
We are working to save the most vulnerable of all children from abuse, neglect and disorder. We are advocating for those children who carry genetic risk for antisocial personality disorder and who have a mother or father who is not capable of loving and nurturing them.
Contact Dr. Liane Leedom at drleedom@lovefraud.com.
Wow, Liane, some powerful words! And yes, educating the legal system is a big job, but educating the non-disordered parent, and giving them the tools to fight in their court situation is a good first step, and one that seems very doable.
There have been several people here mentioning about how to take on the legal system, this sounds like right down their alley!
Liane, I hope something is set up in advance for dealing with “those” judges that refuse to listen to reason due to their own personality disorder?
It’s difficult enough having to deal with the personal Spaths in our lives, to find out the legal and political system is one also!
It is difficult having a sociopath in your life, knowing that it would be great if I could raise my kids without my husband’s involvement – he likes spending time with his children (claiming that he doesn’t want to be like his own dad, a man who showed no interest in any of his kids). I want to enjoy my life (it’s hard to do), my children, without all the stress that occurs due to my husband having this disorder. You cannot have a moment’s peace, always on your guard, waiting for the next bomb to drop. I have learned not to assume anything about anyone, a life lesson gleaned from having a sociopath in my life.
Liane, thank you for posting this call to arms, so to speak. God bless you for taking on such a monumental effort! I just dashed off my response in an email.
Bluejay, you say that the spath father “likes spending time with his children…” and I would like to suggest that the spath father doesn’t “like” anything other than the opportunity to manipulate and control by USING the children as tools, IMHO. The ex spath was so vociferous in his claims that he “loved” his children, and nothing was further from the truth. He went through the motions of appearing to be a “great dad,” but it was always superficial and VERY temporary – no activity or requirement was ever completed or satisfied, and school officials had the cheek to call me (literally, call me from 4 States away) and ask, “Is there anything you can do to get Mr. Sociopath to cooperate with us? I’m afraid that if I push any more, I’m going to rock the boat and he’ll stop cooperating, completely.” LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROTFLMAOTMNR!!!
Wini, the legal language and definitions have to change in order to prevent loopholes so that apathetic Judges can make arbitrary rulings that defy common sense. The definition of socipathy has to be significantly altered and addressed via strict legislation before anyone in a custody/visitation battle with a spath can experience ANY remedy or relief. How to hold Judges accountable? I don’t know – I experienced complete apathy from the Bench during my hearings, and the apathy resulted in devastating consequences for both children.
Just my 2 cents…Brightest blessings, and lets fight the Good Fight, in any way that we can!
children have been murdered by sociopathic parents during custody visits.
Could I suggest a type of screening that would establish whether the father of my child is going to murder him, physically abuse him, emotionally abuse him, neglect him, ridicule him, psychologically torture him…… to get me back in a custody visit..?
Bulletproof, are you currently engaging in individual counseling? If not, get involved with a psychologist (NOT psychiatrist) who is familiar with PSTD and domestic violence. To find such a counselor, you can call the local mental health referral service, and they’ll do the “intake” over the phone and refer you to a counselor specializing in both issues. THIS is specifically for 2 reasons: a) this assists you in setting your feet firmly on your healing path, and b) this provides documenation for the Courts.
Then, you can direct your attorney to ask the Court to order a series of psychiatric and psychological evaluations for the spath father – BOTH are mandatory, not just one or the other. Psychiatrists deal in the medical aspects while psychologists deal in the emotional aspects. Both assessments will be invaluable during custody/visitation battles.
Is there (or, was there EVER) an Order of Protection filed or granted against the spath father? Put this information to good use via your attorney.
Good luck and brightest blessings, Bulletproof! {{hugs}}
Buttons thanks…it was a rhetorical question. I don’t have that particular problem but I am always disturbed by the whole custody issue and how it’s assumed interaction with both parents is the best way…if the child is going to be murdered then it is clearly not the best siuation….and HOW do you know, and we have to come up with an assessment to find out…..and if a parent is a psycho sociopath then surely it is in the best interest for the well being of that child to be with one loving parent.
The same for gay adoption…it’s about a set of LOVING parents not about anything else…the child needs 2 people who are motivated by love…..peacex
LMAO, Bulletproof – I was ass-u-me-ing! LOL
There are so many “symptoms” of danger to children that it’s unconscionable that a majority of Family Judges don’t make harsh rulings and follow through with any/all violations. Like I said, an order of protection or restraining order is simply verbal diarrhea – it’s MEANINGLESS because they are barely enforced, and 100% of the fault for this lies on the Courts. When a child is involved, the Courts should do everything within their considerable power to see to the safety of that child, or those children. They do not have a voice. They do not have advocates. They only have one parent who’s trying to save themselves and that child (or, children), and another parent who is hell-bent-for-leather on making the other “pay” for having the INSOLENCE to leave!
I agree that interaction with both parents doesn’t always preclude an emotionally healthy child. Yes, I’ve met parents who divorced and remained VERY conscious of their children’s well-being and put the needs of their children before the issues of their divorce. But, when one parent is a sociopath, or fits the (*#$&% profile, then there must be very strict, clear, and concise guidelines set in place to protect ALL of the victims with harsh consequences if those guidelines are, in any way, violated.
As it stands, the definition of sociopathy is based upon clinical research with most involving convicted criminals and NOT the generic sociopath who has evaded detection for years. The language used to define sociopathy is so confusing, even the qualified professionals have a hard time nailing down the “symptoms” and are often oblivious to the fact that they have a sociopath in their office pretending to engage in “counseling.”
While I was still married to the ex spath, our eldest son had been acting-out and displaying a number of disturbing behaviors. My mother actually paid for our son to attend counseling, and the ex spath was present for a few of the sessions when the psychologist needed to speak with us on a family basis, as well as an individual basis. After the sessions were completed, she wrote a scathing assessment of our family dynamics. Of course, this infuriated the ex spath, and he threw her report away and FORBADE me to ever seek counseling, again. Oddly enough, my mother retrieved that report and saved it for some unknown reason and gave it to me, years later. That counselor, fresh out of Yale, had it pegged and nearly used “sociopath” to describe the ex spath.
They can fool SOME of the people MOST of the time, but they can’t fool EVERY person ALL of the time. That’s why they will attend 3-5 sessions and opt out. Under scrutiny, a sociopath cannot maintain their facades, even though they believe themselves to be far superior to anyone else.
If you’ve ever been an objective spectator in criminal court (Family Court in VA is “closed” from the public), there are so many “tells” if a sociopath takes the stand. These Judges need to be educated, the definition revamped, and the public made aware of socipathy. We’re breeding more and more socipaths, and our society seems to be encouraging more and more deviant behaviors and excusing bad behaviors on some label or another.
Brightest blessings.
I just finished a devastating divorce from a brilliant sociopath. I supported Chris (Ex) for many years, but still managed to save a good amount of money. Now I have nothing and am up to my ears in debt. I tried desperately to save my daughter, but in the end, the misogynist Psychologist who did our family evaluation said my teen age daughters should live wherever they want. My Ex fooled them.
Hardest for me was to figure out how many sociopaths I was actually dealing with in the Family law court! My Ex’s attorney? (Probably.) The psychologist? (Possibly. I did find out he was an alcoholic.) The Judge? (I learned he tried to have someone killed once??) I fought for my children as hard as I knew how. My oldest disowned her Dad, and my youngest went to live with him and started having sex and getting in trouble with the law at age 13. He, of course, was just fine with that — he knew it would hurt me. There is so much more that could be said…
Dear Katherine,
Sorry to hear what youve been through. Especially what has happened with your children.
You have come to the right place for support, understanding and gathering information/knowledge and most important to know you are not alone.
I hope you find this to be a comforting and healing place.