Just Like His Father? Is nearly four years old now and my own son is nearly eight. At the time the book was released, scientists were still engaged in the genetics versus environment debate regarding the development of antisocial behavior. That debate is now over and every authority accepts that antisocial behavior and antisocial personality traits develop due to a gene-environment interaction. I am working on revising the book because now some specific genes have been identified.
Thankfully, I have not had to cope with the toxic environment a sociopath/psychopath creates for their offspring. Just Like His Father? doesn’t really grapple with that issue other than to encourage people to consider that the child may be better off with only one parent. At time the book was written, my thinking was based on two false premises. The first falsehood, I was taught in residency, “antisocial individuals abandon their young” has turned out to be perhaps the biggest problem at-risk children face. Antisocial individuals do not necessarily abandon their young, but they do abuse them and use them as pawns to damage other people and they also use them in their cons.
Four years ago, I naively believed that the family courts would naturally dictate that sociopaths/ psychopaths should be kept from harming their children. This second premise has also turned out to be false and is the basis for the nightmare many people I now count as friends are living.
It follows that in addition to teaching the material in the book and workbook, to save at-risk children we also have to take on the system-hopefully by working together. The system is composed of mental health professionals who really do not understand antisocial personality disorder let alone the meaning of psychopathic personality traits to parenting. It is also composed of Judges who want to make the tough decisions easy by giving themselves judicial sound bites to go by. Here is the official mantra of the state of New York Family Court:
“Visitation by a noncustodial parent is presumed to be in the child’s best interest and should be denied only in exceptional situations, such as where substantial evidence reveals that visitation would be detrimental to the welfare of the child.”
The important words there are “substantial evidence.” Just what constitutes substantial evidence? I am working on researching the answer to that question and have access to an extensive online law library through the university where I teach.
I am preparing a generic document that people can use as a resource regarding the harmful effects of parenting by antisocial individuals and emotional and verbal abuse on children. Some recent research shows that the developmental damage done by emotional and verbal abuse is as severe as that due to physical and sexual abuse.
But we really have to change the legal mantra. Given what we know of genetic risk, we have to not only protect at-risk children from abuse, we have to provide them with an enriching, nurturing environment to prevent the intergenerational spread of disorder. The new mantra should be:
“In cases where one parent has antisocial personality disorder (psychopathy) the child deserves the best upbringing the least disordered parent can provide.”
AND
“The least disordered parent has a right to live life free of the sociopath/psychopath they were conned by.”
Setting the least disordered parent free facilitates his/her mental health and contributes to the well-being of the child.
Here is what you can do to join this effort:
- If you went through a custody/visitation battle and your children are old enough for you to comment on how the battle and the sociopath affected them please write me. I am especially interested in talking with offspring over 18 about their perspectives.
- If you have an ongoing situation you are willing to share please write. Recently, people from Alabama and New York asked me for help so I compiled the case law for those states. The goal is to compile the case law for every state then make the info available on the web.
- If you want to volunteer to read the case law and help me organize it, I’ll put you to work right away.
- If you are an attorney or legal assistant who wants to help please let me know.
- If you have political connections, we need you.
I am looking to form a committee of workers committed to this cause.
Last but not least, I regret the title of my book because it suggests gender. The title merely reflects my own personal experience. This is NOT about gender or fatherhood versus motherhood. Normal men love and nurture their children and I do not dispute that children need that love and nurturing. This is about a psychiatric disorder for which there is no proven treatment, antisocial personality disorder/ psychopathy.
We are working to save the most vulnerable of all children from abuse, neglect and disorder. We are advocating for those children who carry genetic risk for antisocial personality disorder and who have a mother or father who is not capable of loving and nurturing them.
Contact Dr. Liane Leedom at drleedom@lovefraud.com.
Dear Wini,
Well, I really do hope your dog doesn’t attack him because there is no way he would SURVIVE such an attack. ROTFLMAO but you know, maybe you should get you a mail box and have it where he can reach it outside the yard, like at the curb or something. Like a rural box. That way you will at least get your mail and he can’t biatch about your watch dog. LOL
Barriers to gaining evidence from children and going ‘no contact’ with a parent with a recognised MH disorder including N S or P traits.
-Parents blocking access to children somehow. In the UK I have to go to Court to get an order if I’m concerned a parent won’t allow me access to a child. At this point I need clear evidence of concern. I have no automatic right of entry to the home and cannot interview a child without parental knowledge except in very clear circumstances (evidence of harm). The times I have done this is has somewhat ‘backfired’ – the child ‘does not disclose’ and then ‘shuts down’ as parents put tremendous pressure on the child for speaking to me without their permission. It can increase the abuse in the first instance if not used judiciously. We could consider giving SW’s ‘right of entry’ – this would kick of a huge legal/human rights debate. It may not protect children better unless ‘right of entry’ is followed by decisive and authoritative action (a much tougher call in terms of following proceedure and legal guidance).
-Parents effectively have the advantage of an alliance with their child and as a SW I am asking the child to ‘betray’ (in their eyes) their abusive parent. This is a very tough call for a child and can devastate them. Children can’t articulate what’s happening very often, and it’s hard to know ‘just from observing’ that a child’s emotional turmoil is ’caused by this or that’. I can often see a child is troubled from their demeanour- but about WHAT exactly? Perhaps they are scared of SW’s and think they’re in trouble? Perhaps they don’t understand what will happen if they’ tell’. Perhaps they do know what will happen if they tell and don’t want the family to be ‘broken up’. Perhaps they’re upset over something other than home life. Perhaps a stranger or accquaintance has ‘hurt them’.
-Lack of time to build relationships with children (and parents/carers). Big caseloads – overwhelming caseloads. Lack of trained SW’s in UK around 10-15% vacancy rate in most authorities.
-If mothers are made ‘resident parent’ – and have ‘no contact order’ this does work out reaonably in my view if the ‘no contact’ started early and the child has little emotional connection to the abuser. In fact all the power lies with the person having the relationship with the abuser in a ‘legal sense’. When I intervene I tell partners of the abuser to ‘get out’ as soon as they can. If there’s little relationship between the child and abuser from birth then it’s relatively straightforward to recommend that the ‘status quo’ be unaffected. I don’t want to sound as though I’m ‘blaming the victim’ here. But the first responsiblility in law rests with the partner and family members of the abuser to protect their children. If you’re with an abuser – get out now! There is quite good support in the UK for women who wish to end a relationship with an abuser, there is increasing recognition and services for men who are being domestically abused and for lesbian/gay/transgender relationships too. Usually in the UK if a SW is involved it’s because neither parent (abuser or abused) is able to put the needs of the child first. Mostly I’m involved in cases where we know the abuser concerned is a domestic or sexual abuser but mother or father will not get out of that relationship for varied and complex reasons (Stockholm syndrome, they’re physically or finacially dependant, they are too traumatised or frightened to leave) etc. As many people here have done they will have swung back and forth many times in that relationship until they are ready and ‘strong enough’ to leave. My experience is that those in the ‘thrall’ of their disordered partner are completely hostile to my attempted intervention (we’ve all been there). These are by far the most serious cases as the abuse continues unchecked and with no end in sight. A person who ‘is out’ of the relationship has already acted in a very strong way to protect their child and model a different kind of much healthier family dynamic There needs to be better ‘follow up’ services post S N or P. But again it’s the old ‘resources’ issue.
-Presumption in law that children should be placed with families first wherever possible unless evidence of ‘significant harm’ (at a high threshold). Because of this – the 1st port of call is placing with a relative or family friend if possible. However in emotional abuse cases this is very tricksy for many reasons. Often (as we know) whole families will have ‘Cluster B’ traits and disorders. Otherwise it is hard to prevent ‘covert’ contact with the child – often with the child being the one to initiate contact (Stockholm syndrome). The internet & mobile phones have become a real pain in this regard and kids have multiple access to computors/telephones etc.
-Lack of viable alternatives (few foster care or residential care placements) for all except the most extreme cases of abuse. I work with say 40 children. Around 30 of those could in theory benefit from periods of respite or FT foster or residential care. There will be places for may 4/5 children max (from my own ‘unscientific estimations).
-Putting children into care often does not end the emotional abuse in any case – very difficult to get ‘no contact’ with a birth parent. If the child is older than say 9/10 – what usuallly happens is that the child concerned ‘votes with their feet’. We hope that they will bond and be happy in their new situation/carers, but many ‘act out’ their emotional distress going back and forth between ‘birth family’ and ‘care’. Placements for children over 13/14 are notorious for ‘breaking down’ – UNLESS it is the child’s choice to go to care in the first place.
I think what’s really important for me – is separating out the ‘child’s experience’ from the former partner of the abuser. Their needs are not compatible in some senses. No Contact is what’s needed for the former partner most often. But is not always ‘quite right’ for the child. As a minimum many children in care still wish to have (screened) letters, cards etc on special days such as birthdays.
Anyway – I have been involved in cases where I’ve recommended NO CONTACT whatsoever for a child, certainly if (BIG IF) a diagnosis of Psychopathy could reliably be made this would be a ‘big plank’ in a case. You’d need more than that alone to convince a judge though! Not least the wishes and feelings of an ‘older’ 11+ child are an important consideration (not the deciding factor sometimes).
I think that taking the argument out of ‘Spath’s and P’s’ as specific abusers and looking at the reams and reams of research on ‘what is emotional abuse’ and how to deal with ’emotional abuse’ might be a useful exercise.
There is also a huge amount of literature around the issue of ‘Safe Contact’. I think professionals like myself are VERY much aware of the impact of emotional abuse – from ‘the whole range’ of parental attributes that ’cause harm’ – including Cluster B personality traits. However you need to be careful. People (without the right support) can fail in important repsect to offer the ‘optimum’ childhood as prescribed by UK society and full meet their children’s needs ALL THE TIME (learning disabled parents, physically disabled parents, parents who’ve spent time in prison, parents who are suffer post-natal depression, parents with financial difficulties, parents who are too strict or too permissive, parents who ‘don’t fit in’ to dominant ways of parenting due to their ethnicity or religious beliefs) – and if we were to start ‘lowering thresholds’ for care proceedings and NO CONTACT with one or other parent for ALL of those groups (only fair) the system would be completely overwhelmed – chaos frankly. Not to mention the risk of becoming a fascist society!
In one authority – around 100-150 screened calls per day. Of these say 40% would get an ‘Initial Assessment’ (2/3 days work minimum for a SW). Of these say 25% percent go on to be open to CS and have a named SW. The service is ‘creaking at the seams’. The public/politicians do not want to pay the full cost of protecting children. The resources needed are HUGE if you want a proper service and options. Actually in the UK things are going to get much worse because a massive swinge of public spending cuts in is the offing.
Having said all this – we can and do focus everyday on ‘making the right decisions’ for that child at this time. I think that we do actually name abuse and help children to ‘make choices’ to ‘know’ that what is happening at home is ‘not okay’. I think that giving this message to children is actually one of the most important parts of my job. But I don’t do this half as well as the parent of the child concerned. The child is much more likely to believe the ‘non-abusing’ parent than some SW they say maybe every 10-14 days.
All of you – who were at some stage ‘warned’ that your ex partner, parent, family member, co-worker etc was ‘disordered’ were eventually able to act on that knowledge and be empowered by that knowledge.
Giving the knowledge to a child WILL help them – getting them to a place where they understand their parent is disordered in some ways, helping challenge the parents behaviour as they grow older , helping the child to understand that it’s RIGHT and PROPER to have boundaries etc etc. In other words what’s called ‘protective behaviours work’. Going to Young Carers groups can be brillaint – helps kids to know ‘they’re not the only ones with sometime abusive parents. Or groups for ‘family/friends’ of a person with Cluster B diagnosis of one kind or another.
That’s not the right solution for severe emotional abuse of course. But I’m saying that there’s a whole box of tricks of ways that we all (and children too) can learn to protect ourselves better and be healthier and happier individuals and this is the ‘positive’ part of the system in some senses.
Anyway – I really am letting fly on this post! But obviously I have a strong interest in this topic!
Blessings
Delta 1
Oxy, I usually let the dog out early in the a.m. Then I take him for his walk … hours before this guy decides to make his rounds. You can tell by now the guy doesn’t come at a prescribed time … on purpose. I’m telling you, he’s bucking for an early retirement. I also told his supervisor that I’ve had computer capabilities for years. I could have easily converted over to paying my bills electronically years ago… but I didn’t on purpose. I go out of my way to buy stamps and mail my bills just to keep the US postal people in a job. Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I told her to tell this guy just what I said.
Unbelievable … some people.
I grew up with quite severe physical and emotional abuse from an N mother. My father was schizophrenic but in case absent for most of my childhood age 5-18. Young Carers and having a truely protective adult to whom I could have a proper trusting relationship (I used to fantasise about having loving granny or auntie) would have been the right choices for me I think as school and my friends were ‘protective factors’. I had some ‘close friends’ in the parents of my schoolfriends that were literally ‘life savers’ for my self-esteem. Maybe some respite foster-care would have been helpful too as I often felt ‘trapped’ in the abusive home and this was very oppressive.
I’m guessing Oxy would have opted for being taken to a lovely ol foster family or something. Maybe with some donkeys there! Not sure.
I would be so interested to have LF bloggers thoughts about where and at what times and what ‘kind of’ interventions might of helped them if they grew up with abusive parents or their parent was an N S or P in particular. I’m very aware that this might be a bit ‘triggering’ for anyone who is early on in their healing journey though. This is probably a very tough topic to think about for many people in general – so go gentle with it!
Blessings
Delta 1
Dear Delta1,
I am sorry you had such a childhood, I know even a “good” or “apparently normal” childhood can be less than idea, or even emotionally abusive. Mine wasn’t horrible, but none the less did contain some physical abuse and emotional and self esteem bashing. Even that was enough to make me want to “people please.” I’m glad that you have overcome this and are doing your best to make a good life for not nly yourself but for others as well in your job.
I was reading today an article about kids in UK who have slipped through the cracks and been starved or beaten to death all the while being “overseen” (or not as the case may be) by care workers…just as here in the US kids slip through the cracks. The article was saying how no one would accept “blame” for the injuries and deaths. Ditto here.
I wish there were enough foster families to take these kids in on respite, but there aren’t enough to take in the kids that are beaten and molested. I wish there were. We have a program here called Court Appointed Special Advocates (CASA) for the children in foster care, but they are generally not professional workers, just caring people. I do educational programs for the advocates from time to time, and try to educate the advocates about what a psychopath is and other cluster B disorders and problems. Unfortunately, many of these foster kids are budding psychopaths themselves, and have been raised in an atmosphere of abuse and the CYCLE CONTINUES.
Years ago I used to take in foster kids, and respite foster kids, back when this was a much more unsupervised program. There is an orphanage near where I live now and I would take in respite kids from there as well. At that time, children at birth were given into the orphanage and some of those kids stayed there until college age, and the orphanage has an agreement with a university if the kids are capable. As resident homes it is a good one, but again, now things have changed and the kids they get are mostly the ones that need a special or hard to place placement….conduct disordered kids, mental illness, bi-polar, hyperactive, etc. or more short term placements.
Some kids who grew up there come back every year for “homecoming” and actually have fond memories of the place, and I actually keep up with some of the kids I fostered through there. Some are in prison, some are doing well, and others are lost to follow up.
I don’t have as much interaction with the place now as I used to, though I do donate items and funds periodically.
Have a good day!
Oxy,
I have heard that stat about DV before also but I have never found any evidence to back it up. I guess it depends on how you define “psychopathic” really.
And there are a ton of things that need changed in the laws and legal system themselves. EB and Delta mentioned sexual abuse and domestic violence. For most people that brings to mind a male offender and so there are a lot of problems when a female is the abuser. As a few of you on here already know this is my area of study/interest and my site http://female-offenders.com/Safehouse/ goes into this more in depth. There is still a good deal of gender bias out there and those abused by a female abuser often pay the price for it.
For example one study (on sexual abuse) I talked about found http://tinyurl.com/26eoc6a:
Both professional groups (police officers and social workers) considered that social service involvement and investigation were less warranted when the perpetrator was a woman.
research explored psychiatrists’ and police perspectives on female sex offending. The study found that both professional groups viewed sexual abuse by women as less harmful than sexual abuse by men. Moreover, efforts were made by psychiatrists and police officers, either consciously or unconsciously, to transform the female sex offender and her offense, realigning them with more culturally acceptable notions of female behavior. This ultimately led to a denial of the problem.
It is a long uphill fight to try change things. And change seems to come exceeding slow. The a hat tip to the UK for services such as Childline and the changes they seem to be making.
If anyone is interested in learning about well-known cases in the UK where children have died – despite being known to CS. Names to put in your search are Victoria Climbie, Khyra Ishaq or Baby Peter. If you also put in ‘Serious Case Review’ you should find your way to the official reports of ‘what went wrong’ and how better decision making in a variety of ways could perhaps have prevented these deaths. It makes for a thorough understanding – though quite upsetting reading. As a SW really a ‘terrifying reading’ as at one point or another I have made all those ‘mistakes’ in relation to one or another child.
The only problem I have with Serious Case Reviews is that they don’t consider the decision making ‘in relation to other cases held’ at that time and don’t, in my view really address the issue of ‘lack of time or training’ of SW’s and other professionals. Nor do they address the fundamental ‘lack of time’ available to consider each child’s case.
Also it doesn’t answer the question of what the SW or professional was doing while they failed the child concerned. I suspect that child A is ignored because the SW is busy saving child B to be honest.
That doesn’t mean there shouldn’t be accountability and blame. Sometimes SW’s are just not ‘fit for the job’ – and I think it’s kind of a 2/8 in my authority. In other authorities – they just can’t get staff and so have to ‘settle’ for less experienced workers. That’s so dangerous for children.
In the UK we’re fighting for ‘maximum’ caseload requirements. i.e. not having approx 80 hours of work to fit into a 35 hour working week – which is my estimate of my current caseload based on a ‘points’ system – and I work in a really good and well-resourced authority.
All the SW’s in these cases were sanctioned for their failures. We are licenced via the GSCC (General Social Care Council) and can have this licence revoked. There is a list of cases of SW’s who’ve lost licence to practice on the ‘General Social Care Councils’s website. Also interesting reading for those interested in the UK area of CP.
To be honest – there’s easier lines of work, with no chance of ever getting blamed for something going wrong. For the same reason there is a recruitment crisis amonst CP Paediatriacians. It’s career suicide really to work in CP – sooner or later a child will get hurt on your caseload and poof – bang goes 3 years of training and however many years of hard work.
Sometimes I think about going to work in a ‘safer’ area – where the chances of career obliteration are much less. The money’s not better in CP than elsewhere – so that’s not the incentive. Never short of work though LOL
I’d better stop self-indulging on my job waffle, waffle.
I think it’s important to encourage others to get into the field – as there are some rewards to it too. Also everyone become foster carers if you can. It’s darn hard but rewarding very often too.
Blessings
Delta1
I HATE when I am having a fuddled day and there is a lot to read and process and comment on and I can’t! I’ve been reading this and one_step’s post on another blog entry and they both make me want to reply but last night was one of little sleep, when I started to believe honestly that the spath was on another forum with me. I’ve had lots and lots of admin/paperwork to do today to do with health/benefits/bills/my daughter’s problems and I’m almost blind with it.
Dear Delta1,
I can relate to the 80 hours of work to do in 40 hours and the mounds of paper work that in most cases are just CYA (cover your arse) and take up time that would be better spent with the client/patient. Plus, taking the VERY LIFE of the client/patient in your hand and if you do a good job, there is no thanks, and if you miss something or mess up you find yourself in court, licensing bureau or criminal court.
Every day I went to work I prayed “please God don’t let me misdiagnose or miss something and kill some one” as far as I know I never did but there was always that fear or worry I guess. But I took my job seriously because I knew that if I didn’t someone could die because I didn’t do my job well. Though an advance practice nurse has a physician at a telephone’s reach, none the less, I was literally out in the boonies most of my career practicing family medicine without a license. I had no problem referring patients to a physician though and had a great group of specialists I had assembled to take cases.
After the plane crash that killed my husband, I retired because frankly I didn’t have enough short term memory to be safe in practice any more.
Due to the money crunch here in medical care, nurses now are worked like galley slaves and given way too many patients of too critical condition. I think a few states (California) have passed max numbers of patients for nurses in different situations.
In the community clinics I would see about 16 patients a day average in 8 hours, but have seen as many as 50 in times of great need. Physicians in family practice sometimes see 50-60 patients on an average day with a couple of nurses getting the patients ready so the physician can run between rooms like an antelope.
I’m glad you have chosen to work with children, Delta1. I commend your caring and compassion and dedication. I realize it is a difficult and sometimes unrewarding job unless you take your reward from within yourself. Most of the time my job satisfaction came from within because sometimes, especially in hospitals, I had to “fight” the unethical physicians or the incompetent ones or the payment system in order to be an advocate for the patients. In public clinics I had to fight the payment system for patients who had no insurance but had a great need, and I had some great physicians who would VOLUNTEER their services knowing they would get no pay for the services. God bless them! Others turned me down without a backward glance. God bless them too, cause I would not like to be them when judgment day (or karma) comes round.
Thanks for your input Delta1!
Hiya Verity
Sleep, rest and relaxation first! Especially don’t tackle some of the stuff I’ve been talking about here today if you’re feeling a bit overwhelmed by life today. That’s for another time.
Stuff I’ve been posting today is at a couple of steps removed from the reality of healing from an S or P relationship and might be quite tough on someone whose still in or being affected by the relationship with the S or P in a really vivid way. I’ve been out of my relationship 2+ years and so do have considerable emotional distance now.
I’ve read some of your posts and feel that mainly you just need to ‘think about what’s going to help you day to day for a bit!
Sleep is so important when you’re fragile ….. I’m not sure where you are in term of your healing journey – I’m personally found taking prescription medication to sleep at night for the first 2-3 weeks after I was ‘devalued and discarded’ – really helped to stop going completely over the edge.
Blessings
Delta1 x