Just Like His Father? Is nearly four years old now and my own son is nearly eight. At the time the book was released, scientists were still engaged in the genetics versus environment debate regarding the development of antisocial behavior. That debate is now over and every authority accepts that antisocial behavior and antisocial personality traits develop due to a gene-environment interaction. I am working on revising the book because now some specific genes have been identified.
Thankfully, I have not had to cope with the toxic environment a sociopath/psychopath creates for their offspring. Just Like His Father? doesn’t really grapple with that issue other than to encourage people to consider that the child may be better off with only one parent. At time the book was written, my thinking was based on two false premises. The first falsehood, I was taught in residency, “antisocial individuals abandon their young” has turned out to be perhaps the biggest problem at-risk children face. Antisocial individuals do not necessarily abandon their young, but they do abuse them and use them as pawns to damage other people and they also use them in their cons.
Four years ago, I naively believed that the family courts would naturally dictate that sociopaths/ psychopaths should be kept from harming their children. This second premise has also turned out to be false and is the basis for the nightmare many people I now count as friends are living.
It follows that in addition to teaching the material in the book and workbook, to save at-risk children we also have to take on the system-hopefully by working together. The system is composed of mental health professionals who really do not understand antisocial personality disorder let alone the meaning of psychopathic personality traits to parenting. It is also composed of Judges who want to make the tough decisions easy by giving themselves judicial sound bites to go by. Here is the official mantra of the state of New York Family Court:
“Visitation by a noncustodial parent is presumed to be in the child’s best interest and should be denied only in exceptional situations, such as where substantial evidence reveals that visitation would be detrimental to the welfare of the child.”
The important words there are “substantial evidence.” Just what constitutes substantial evidence? I am working on researching the answer to that question and have access to an extensive online law library through the university where I teach.
I am preparing a generic document that people can use as a resource regarding the harmful effects of parenting by antisocial individuals and emotional and verbal abuse on children. Some recent research shows that the developmental damage done by emotional and verbal abuse is as severe as that due to physical and sexual abuse.
But we really have to change the legal mantra. Given what we know of genetic risk, we have to not only protect at-risk children from abuse, we have to provide them with an enriching, nurturing environment to prevent the intergenerational spread of disorder. The new mantra should be:
“In cases where one parent has antisocial personality disorder (psychopathy) the child deserves the best upbringing the least disordered parent can provide.”
AND
“The least disordered parent has a right to live life free of the sociopath/psychopath they were conned by.”
Setting the least disordered parent free facilitates his/her mental health and contributes to the well-being of the child.
Here is what you can do to join this effort:
- If you went through a custody/visitation battle and your children are old enough for you to comment on how the battle and the sociopath affected them please write me. I am especially interested in talking with offspring over 18 about their perspectives.
- If you have an ongoing situation you are willing to share please write. Recently, people from Alabama and New York asked me for help so I compiled the case law for those states. The goal is to compile the case law for every state then make the info available on the web.
- If you want to volunteer to read the case law and help me organize it, I’ll put you to work right away.
- If you are an attorney or legal assistant who wants to help please let me know.
- If you have political connections, we need you.
I am looking to form a committee of workers committed to this cause.
Last but not least, I regret the title of my book because it suggests gender. The title merely reflects my own personal experience. This is NOT about gender or fatherhood versus motherhood. Normal men love and nurture their children and I do not dispute that children need that love and nurturing. This is about a psychiatric disorder for which there is no proven treatment, antisocial personality disorder/ psychopathy.
We are working to save the most vulnerable of all children from abuse, neglect and disorder. We are advocating for those children who carry genetic risk for antisocial personality disorder and who have a mother or father who is not capable of loving and nurturing them.
Contact Dr. Liane Leedom at drleedom@lovefraud.com.
Thanks for all your encouragement too Oxy. We ‘posted over each other here’!
Delta 1
Good advise Delta1,
Lack of sleep is one of the worst things I think about the PTSD symptoms, and I struggle still with sleep problems, too much, too little, going to sleep, staying asleep, and it is a normal part of the healing process. Also, it is good for us to realize too that NORMALLY we change our sleep needs and cycles as we age.
As we get older, we sleep normally less deeply and less hours than we did as a younger adult. We awake more often at night than younger people do just naturally. So some of these changes are more age related than PTSD related if we are older (as I am–63) but the PTSD makes the normal changes worse or prolongs them.
In addition, we may have sleep apnea, I do I know, and am going back for a reevaluation of my machine settings because it has been 8-9 years since I had those numbers set. I may need them changed do to several factors.
Sleep apnea can make it difficult for us to heal as it keeps us tired and worn out and we may not realize we have it. If you snore, you should probably be evaluated. But evaluation is expensive so that may be a problem even if you DO have insurance it seldom pays more than half the costs of the machines which are expensive.
We may have other medical problems related to stress, thyroid hormone problems, sleep problems, depression, PTSD, immune function problems and many many other thins that can be associated with massive stress over loading. Adrenal overloading is one. We just keep the adrenal glad pumping out stress hormones until we no longer react to them. We get to the point that we are like drunks and addicted to booze and can’t live without it. To be drunk is the “norm”–we are that way on hormones of stress, it is the normal state. Only when the stress goes down and we start to recover (months at the least) do we realize we were “drunk” on these hormones for so long, that when we do get a stressful situation it literally makes us ILL.
There is so much to learn about ourselves and how to take care of ourselves. I realize that learning all we need to know, is a big job in itself. Even though I KNEW much of this from my profession, I was NOT applying it to myself. Now I am working on applications. In fact, I think the fact I did Know these things made it more difficult for me to apply them. Medical personnel are such POOR PATIENTS! LOL Somehow I think we think that the rules of biology don’t apply to us. LOL But we are human and we do have the same reactions that others do and we might as well realize that.
How I wish your work would include Canadian law. I’m in a legal battle going on for over 7 years now….and 5 of it brought about by a litigation served to me by my ex! He didn’t expect that I would countersue, and for very good causes, but he has hung up this process with endless motions and stalling. The last one saw a judge not even read my affidavits and rule ‘with the best interest of the child’ and hand my ex even more communication – enforced by law – with me. My story is long and still hasn’t ended and though I have lost all my savings, my retirement funds, my house, my sanity at times, I have my daughter. I wish there was some kind of blog/advice site/ law based info for Canadians like me slogging away with the job of trying to explain a sociopath to the courts…..thank you for all your support and wonderful writing….this site has been extremely empowering nonetheless…..good luck to us all.
“Setting the least disordered parent free facilitates his/her mental health and contributes to the well-being of the child.”
Love it. For over a decade I’ve been writing and saying, “protect the parent, in turn the child is protected.”
Substantial: that part of the “evidence” is often suppressed, such as the non-offending parent is denied the right to submit evidence and timely motions by most all NYS family court judges.
In my own family/supreme court matter (out of NYS), the judge not only denied all evidence and motions, I was denied the right to testify; the judge repeatedly (which is every time the ex-spath hauls me into court just because he can), tells me (and then my atty in conference) that she is “inclined to side with abuser… ”
My son is in a psychiatric hospital right now, he is 18 and suicidal over the 18+ years of abuse, all of it sanctioned by the family court; CPS – a puppet of the system and family court via father’s rights initiatives; and the CPS/family court contracted vendors who subscribe to “PAS” and other “anti-mother” “theories.”
This blog hits so very close to home. After much abuse from lucifer (that’s my name for him), the court granted me sole custody and him supervised visitation. It cost me over $100,000, and a lot of time and effort. All of my savings, and retirement are gone. However, for these 2 years to have my son grow up in peace, I’d do it all over again. And will more than likely have to go through it again as the system allows sociopaths to keep coming back.
The problem is supervised visitation is not usually forever. Because the pschopath is so good at scamming the system, he will use all of his “good” behavior @....... visitation, the fact that my son is 2 years older (he’s 4 now) to attempt to get regular visitation. There is a doctrine called “change of circumstance,” and the whole thing can be tried all over again. It’s coming, and it scares me. Sociopaths are relentless.
I do agree with what another writer has said — protect the parent, and you protect the child.
Hi Firefly – Thank you for sharing your story. I am really sad and shocked to hear you and your son have had/are having such troubles and it’s very distressing to hear the system is failing you so badly.
Although it doesn’t help you in the slightest, I’m grateful to you to learn more about impact of so-called PAS. Though I’m aware of PAS theory somewhat – SW’s don’t use this concept in Court in the UK – it’s not given credence here in caselaw or have much impact as an theory- as far as I’m aware. We do talk about parents (either) gender being ‘implacably hostile’ though – but it is a much less ‘politically’ motivated concept and more ‘gender neutral’ I believe.
I can’t speak for all UK SW’s of course – just the experience of my team. All the fathers (haven’t had any mothers use this term yet) who’ve quoted PAS at me (in my own personal professional experience have been (in my view given to Court) emotional or otherwise domestic abusers. I’ve found no case yet where a mother was ‘hostile’ without actually having some darn good reasons that the ‘abusive party’ just wouldn’t accept.
In all of these cases so far – I have recommended supervised only contact until the child reaches a greater age – 13/14/15 at which time more choice to the child as to whether contact be supervised or unsupervised or stop etc.
Was your son having supervised or unsupervised access with his father and if you can bear to share – what kind of abuse? I’m being nosy – but hearing your story would be very helpful to myself when thinking about decisions in the future – and also to other LF bloggers.
I’ve been trying to learn more about ‘covert abuse’ during supervised contact. Supervised can be by a family member or by a member of CS staff, or in a foster-placement or residential home.
Though really Firefly- the very best and only reason to post would be if you would personally find it cathartic or helpful in any way
Respectfully
Delta1
Liane,
I was just recently thinking about you. I have read the first half of the book, and mostly re-read to remind myself how to help my son, who is just 26 months.
I was wondering and hoping you would update us specifically (maybe in another article) how the approaches you wrote of helped your son. How successful were they?
On a slightly different note, I was wondering what signs (at this age)in our children might tell us whether we are doing well, or if this journey will be more of a challenge.
As you can see, I am experiencing the “Terrible Twos” and I don’t know how to differentiate “Normal” “Terrible” behavior from disconcertingly “Terrible” behavior.
Especially because my son is very bright.
Thank you for THIS article. I am considering ways I may be able to help.
PS sleep-deprived. I took an over the counter sleep aid, just half at first when my Spath first left me for the other woman.
I went to my PCP and explained what I was going through and she was more than happy to write me a ‘script for Xanex. I take .25mg when I know I will see the SPath to exchange our son, and sometimes .5 mg the night before, so I can sleep. 🙂
I would love to participate in this but unfortunately my daughter and the offspring of a SP, is also a SP. To get accurate information from her would be fruitless, as we all know honesty is not their strong suit.
I would like to add to all of you with younger children; it does get easier when your child is older.
My daughter is now 9 and half. The 4 days a month and the 2 weeks a year holiday with him was enough to begin to open her eyes to what he is ….and not without a ton of therapy with us, my towing the line of not speaking badly of him much (taking the stand that we all have ‘difficult’ people to deal with in life and he is one of them….”just get the good stuff” is my mantra with her) and now she is taking a stand for herself and seeing the lies and facade all on her own….I knew we’d turned a corner when she called him on things in a strong clear voice, over the phone last month and he relented….for the time being anyway! Now she will begin her own dance of imbuing him with qualities that she hopes he has and then caving in when it’s proven he’s just not a good person, no matter what….but at least that process has begun and I can sit back – just a bit – and let that happen, all the while, be there for her tears and support her….
I’m not saying we’re even close to out of the woods yet but it made me feel sane for the first time in over 9 years, to have her make that judgment call and know that she is not ‘sick’ like him. Take heart parents, what you are instilling now in your younger ones, about the importance of being a whole and good person, a strong voice, a kind person and a healthy outlook on life…it gets in there eventually…have faith.
My own reality of him is of course, far more hellish, and hopefully my daughter will never know the full extent of it, unless she is much older and needs to know for her own healing…..
much like all of you, yes, I’ve lost all my money and am severely in debt. I wait for the next blow in court, my stomach has yet to recover, I still jump 3 feet high when my partner walks into a room if I haven’t heard him – for fear of…(insert whatever events leading to PTSD) , I still have insomnia at times (but my abdominal tumours are subsiding finally….) and yet…..I’m thankful to have had such a wonderful child ….
Like I’mstillstanding wrote: I would do it all over again too, for the sake of my child. Isn’t real love powerful and aren’t we lucky to be able to feel it?