The benefits of a relationship with both parents depend on the quality of care the parents can provide. This fact is illustrated in the following story:
FREMONT, Calif. – A 6-year-old boy abducted from his mother was returned home safely Friday after his father was arrested 200 miles away in the Sacramento Valley, police said.
Ralph Baldenegro, 56, was arrested near Red Bluff and was being held at the Tehama County Jail.
Baldenegro allegedly broke into his estranged wife’s house, beat and handcuffed her, and kidnapped the boy Thursday night, said Fremont Detective Bill Veteran. He also hit his 14-year-old stepdaughter.” Read full story.
The news is full of stories like the one above that call into question the common notion that a child needs both of his biologic parents. Often, people say, “She needs to love her mother.” Or, “He needs to love his father.”
The majority of children do need a relationship with both parents
The idea that children need to love and have a relationship with both parents is indeed true for the majority of children who are affected by separation or divorce. In cases where both parents have an ongoing love and commitment to the child, they have proven it in words and actions. Actions such as providing financial support, spending time with the child, and making the parent-child relationship a top priority demonstrate a commitment to parenting.
Unfortunately however, some parents may also have a hard time getting along with each other for the sake of their children. Parents fighting over children and placing them in the middle of ongoing conflict is detrimental to children. These parents need education to help them in the transition to co-parenting. This education is mandated now for divorcing parents in most states.
Children of sociopaths deserve our protection
There are nonetheless a minority of children being raised by a relatively healthy parent and vexed by a parent who is a sociopath or addict. We advise other family members of sociopaths and addicts to cut ties with the affected person. Ties can later be reestablished if the person demonstrates a commitment through action that he/she desires a better lifestyle.
Why then, to we think it is healthy for the children of sociopaths and addicts to have a relationship with them?
Science has demonstrated that children are harmed by sociopathic parents
The scientific literature clearly demonstrates that it is detrimental for children to grow up with adults who are aggressive, controlling and manipulative.
According to a recent study of 1,116 five-year-old twin pairs and their parents, “Behavioral genetic analyses showed that children who resided with antisocial fathers received a ‘double whammy’ of genetic and environmental risk for conduct problems.” The authors therefore concluded, “Marriage may not be the answer to the problems faced by some children living in single-parent families unless their fathers can become reliable sources of emotional and economic support.” (Jaffee, Moffitt, Caspi, Taylor, Life with (or without) father: the benefits of living with two biological parents depends on the father’s antisocial behavior, 2003).
The children of sociopathic mothers are at even greater risk due to the stronger genetic basis of female antisocial behavior and the nature of the mother-child relationship.
What will it take to change our laws?
Why then do the courts consistently award visitation to parents who have been diagnosed with addiction and/or sociopathy? The lawmakers who have made these laws, and the judges who interpret them, are for the most part uneducated as to the nature of both sociopathy and the needs of children.
In my opinion, the concept of supervised visitation is confusing to children. How is the child to benefit from having his schedule disrupted to go to a strange place and visit someone who is supposed to be functioning as his/her caretaker?
There have been many instances in our public history where flaws in our laws have been detected and changed by concerned citizens. This only happens when those who are concerned form an organized lobbying effort.
Those of us who are healing from a relationship with a sociopath and working hard to raise children properly, have a hard time finding the energy for such an effort. We need the help of those who have already finished raising the next generation and others familiar with sociopathy. We also need the help of professionals who work in the field.
If we work together, perhaps future children will have a better chance at a peaceful childhood.
How do we get these creeps off the street????? I know of almost the exact same situation existing about 50 miles away from where this story took place. Sociopathic, drug addicted violent man who beats his wife. The 8 year old daughter in question is not his biological child. How do we enable the mother who suffers repeated batterings, find the strength to get away? The law seems to protect the perpetrator and do very little to help the real victims. Do you really think being in jail stops the sociopath???? Talk about naiive!!!!!!
I agree with all you say. Educating family counselors and family lawyers about sociopaths and children is key to helping these children. My understanding is that only a small percentage of our population are sociopaths and probably a smaller percent of them are raising children. I really feel the two counselors I have dealt with (my own and my son’s) have been very well meaning…but did not know how to correctly advise me in my situation. I don’t think they deal with these situations enough. I never even heard of the word sociopath and parental alienation until this summer, and I have been dealing with this very aggressive, controlling, and manipulative man for over nine years.
I also think that educating GALs on these people is also crucial. GALs are the ones that review the case and determine if a psych evaluation is necessary. If they don’t recognize that they are dealing with a sociopath, and instead believe their lies, and do not scrutinize the records, then no evaluation will be done to determine if one is a sociopath or not. A quick brush over of the records will not reveal what is really going on. I advise people who think they are dealing with a sociopath to contact a specialist who knows the law, sociopaths, and parental alienation before they begin legal action. These people will (for a very expensive price) review the records carefully so when you do deal with lawyers, GALs and the courts you can bring out the important points in a clear and logical way. These people want the best for the children so they will give you an honest review. I also advise people to try to get counselors who understand these issues…ask what training they have had and experience. Maybe the psychologist who writes the above article can give advice on how we can find counselors who really understand these issues. How can we really know that they are trained in these areas? Counselors are the ones who will back us up to the GAL and the courts so it is really important that they understand the issues.
I think the biggest problem about dealing with sociopaths and custody issues is that sociopaths are really good at lying. The courts don’t know who to believe….and they don’t take the time to scrutinize records. This works to the advantage of the sociopath.
I really would like to help others who are going through what I am. I am not sure if I am in the best position to speak up because many people may just view me as an angry divorced woman with a vandetta against my ex. Honestly, many times when I read responses on these blogs, I often think to myself that some of these people may actually have the problems. Dealing with my ex, who appears in public as the nicest guy in the world, and knowing how angry, aggressive and manipulative he is in private, makes me realize that you really do not know people. I think I will have more credibility when my children are older and I have nothing to “gain” from telling my story.
Thank you for such an insightful, well thought out comment. The problem with finding the right therapist is that even people with special training are often fooled. Several studies have shown that therapists who are trained to deal with sociopaths are very poor at predicting dangerousness.
Although I would like to believe this is an uncommon problem, if people who have significant substance abuse issues are included in the mix, the group of unsuitable parents may be large.
I think the courts need to have a system of doing independent psychiatric evaluations in custody issues. It doesn’t make sense to have either party pay for the eval and expect it to be balanced and unbiased.
I am curious too, if a psych evaluation can definitely identify someone as being a sociopath? My exhusband is so good at lying, couldn’t he fool the person conducting the test? My exhusband is incredibly smart and sharp. He is quick with replies, and can twist and turn the truth. Wouldn’t the evaluator need to know the inconsistencies of this person’s story and question those inconsitencies during the psych. evaluation? Does the court allow “the other side” to alert the evaluator of things to question the person on? or is it a standard kind of a test?
I dont know what to say really, Im still recovering from the losses I incurred from my relationship with ex boyfriend. He abused my trust and my naeivity very much. He did exactly all the things you said that sociopaths do and I spent all this time after the damage was done educating myself about sociopaths now that things cannot be reversed and its making me even more and more depressed because I can see through people and I cannot love anymore or find hope in loving anyone. Everyone warned me about him but some of my own family members used me against each other and brought him to the forefront and so I am still hateful and angry. I am becoming a psychopath myself and in some ways a sociopath. I have begun to steal which is something I never did before and I do it remorselessly and I also look down on other people they are nothing to me. It is almost like I am sickened by all of them. What can I do? Do I need therapy? I don’t pray to God anymore because I have decided that its an invention of man’s imagination and the purpose of life is take and to leave.
sometimes i wonder why…did i deserve this. i just wanted to feel good about myself and for such a small thing i had to incur so much damage. Women who are not as kind and as passionate as me are definitely much smarter and they are the ones who manipulate the men in their lives, take their money, and pretend to love them. I really love the man who comes into my life when he comes into my life. He takes me for granted, milks me for all that I am worth, and then when there is nothing left of me. Its finished. I have recently decided to become a jerk, a sociopath myself and to rid myself of a conscience or of any feelings of remorse and in some ways it is happening gradually. I am beginning to think of ways to torture, abuse, and all I think about is revenge and taking someone’s money, just taking their money and leaving them and making them feel the pain I feel, to give as little back as possible.
Can anyone help me out there? I am about to lose myself to the devil. He came into my life, took all the goodness from me and reduced me to becoming evil. when he kissed me and proclaimed his undying love for me, i would kill for that kiss. Now I would kill for just about anything, even for his painful death.
To A Girl,
The pain of betrayal goes very deep, as you have discovered. You have to find a way to release the pain without injuring other people, because lashing out at others will only make it worse. You are right to be angry with the ex boyfriend. You don’t want to be angry at yourself as well.
Please get some therapy. However, make sure the therapist is familiar with sociopaths and how destructive they are – not all therapists understand this.
To A Girl,
You say that you no longer believe in God, but maybe he led you to this site. Here you can read the stories of women who have gone through similar experiences to you, who understand the pain and confusion you are feeling, and who have used this experience to do something good…to create a place where people can try to make sense of it all and to get good information and facts.
I agree that you should get counseling and also agree that you should make sure the counselor understands sociopaths and their victims. I am still not clear how you know which counselors really have this experience. I think many think they have this expertise, but when it comes down to it, really do not. Maybe others can give some advice on this.
You sound like you are in a really dark place. You may even benefit from some antidepressant medication until you feel better.
I was married to a man who definitely is on the spectrum of a sociopath. During my marriage, I went to family counseling, and the psychologist labeled him as abusive and as having a personality disorder. She said he was aggressive, manipulative and impulsive, but never used the term sociopath. After my divorce, my children went to a counselor. This woman specialized in “divorce”, but did not want to speak to the family counselor previously involved with our family, or read some disturbing letters from my ex. She said she wanted to figure it out herself. Looking back, and knowing what I know now, I can see that this was not the best counselor for my situation because sociopaths lie, and without having some baseline for the truth….I think it was my word against him. This counselor did come to the conclusion that my ex’s behavior was detrimental to my children, and suggested a GAL investigation. She was honest and said that my ex had said things about me and she could not determine who was telling the truth, but that a GAL would read through the records and speak to all the counselors and would be able to figure out what was going on and make the best recommendation for my family. I believed that the GAL would do this, and trusted that the truth would come out. To my great dismay, the GAL did a very surface investigation. She never even interviewed either of the counselors, and never made mention of the letters and phone calls I had taped. Her initial report recommended that visitation and custody continue as they were. I did at that point request that the GAL at least interview the counselors. The judge agreed that this be done, and it was, and then it seemed like the whole case was dropped. I know the second report was filed, but my ex and I are not allowed to see it. My lawyer seems uninterested in pursuing the case for me. He said I should just learn to deal with my ex’s behavior, and to further any legal action will cost me money I don’t have. I think what happened was that the GAL’s final recommendation was to keep visitation the same. So I am left to just deal with it because my lawyer is right. I don’t have any money to pursue it. I have a lot of debt as it is,have a child needing braces and I need a new car. And my ex’s bad behavior continues…. Looking back, I wish I had done many things differently…mainly choose a child therapist who would take the time to know the family background before beginning therapy, and also one who understand sociopaths and parental alienation. Two, once a GAL was involved I would have called in an expert on parental alienation to review my records and pull out the important facts to tie it all together for the GAL. I didn’t realize that my one meeting time with her would be it. I thought it was the beginning meeting of a long process, but it was it (beside the home visit).
So, now I am left with a not ideal situation. My ex’s behavior has improved somewhat (from being exposed….how he appears to the outside world is really important to him) And now he knows that I will call the police and will take him to court if he violates the orders, but he is who he is, and that will never change. Last week I picked up the phone to call my neighbor I heard my ex tell my 14 year old that I was a “pot-smoking freak and didn’t know what the hell I was doing” and this weekend when it was his visitation weekend, he got mad at the 14 year old for wantng to go to a party with his basketball team instead of going with him. Half an hour after picking the other children up, he dropped them all off again, and said if they didn’t want to see him, he didn’t want to see them either, but the two younger ones did want to see him. My children and I live on an emotional roller coaster. I am left to make the best of it.
It has been a really confusing journey for me. I think I lost faith in God along the way. I prayed so often that things would turn out right, and they just didn’t turn out the way I thought they should. I stopped praying, but kept busy living, in all this time I went back to school, became a teacher, and now am going for my master’s degree. I am now realizing that because of all that has happened to me, I am such a better person than I ever could have been if I hadn’t met my ex. I have come to realize that I am a strong person. I have handled having my name slandered, and my own relationship with my children threatened by a man whose goal in life is to sever the relationship I have with them. I am a better teacher too because I do not make judgements on my students and their family situations. I never listen to gossip. I understand that good people get in bad situations. So maybe God did not answer my prayers because he knew I would grow to be a better person without his intervention. I still worry about the impact my ex has on my children, but I am just doing the best I can.
I think “a girl” is going through some very difficult times right now. Try to make decisions that will not hurt others, in the long run, I think you will feel guilty about this and this will bring you further down. Try to use your experience to help others, like the creator of this website did. I know loving others and helping others will make you feel good, so do not shut yourself off from being with people in a positive way. This will help you heal quicker. I hope in time that you feel better, but in the mean time, counseling and maybe some medication might help you out. Good luck.
It was only a boyfriend… I’m sorry.
My sociopath grandmother who kidnapped me from my own mother when I was only some months old, convinced her to separate from my biological father and legally fooled a court of law and adopted me as her own daughter has raised me for these past 18 years.
I’ve been living with this selfish, uncaring, manipulative, sometimes aggressive and hateful woman my whole life, ALONE. She pistol whipped her husband, my grandfather, who is now basically her minion slave who is on his second retirement working hard all week all year to earn money for her so she can spend it all recklessly each month on herself. She hasn’t had a job since she was 22 (up until she was 24)
Just because she doesn’t get drunk and beat me all the time (although we have gotten into physical fights with each other) doesn’t mean the mental abuse my grandfather, mother and myself have endured from her is more than unbearable.
All that rejection and whatever pain it is that you’re feeling, try dealing with that times 20 for the entirety of your life, with no support from anyone.
Dear Cynbot,
You sound like you are very angry and for that kind of behavior that you described from your Grandmother, justifiably so. The thing about anger (which comes, I think from fear, frustration and pain) though is that the pain of each of us totally fills us, so that no one of us has “suffered” more than the others, we are all TOTALLY in PAIN.
The good thing about your situation though is that you are 18, and will soon be able to leave this woman and make a better life for yourself.
You are right, mental abuse is just as bad or worse than physical abuse sometimes. If you have a friend, neighbor, teacher or counselor that you can talk to that would be a good thing, or call a domestic violence shelter and talk to a counselor there. You are NOT alone.
I also recommend that you read here as much as you can, the articles in the archives are excellent in learning both about the psychopathic mind set, and in healing for yourself.