The benefits of a relationship with both parents depend on the quality of care the parents can provide. This fact is illustrated in the following story:
FREMONT, Calif. – A 6-year-old boy abducted from his mother was returned home safely Friday after his father was arrested 200 miles away in the Sacramento Valley, police said.
Ralph Baldenegro, 56, was arrested near Red Bluff and was being held at the Tehama County Jail.
Baldenegro allegedly broke into his estranged wife’s house, beat and handcuffed her, and kidnapped the boy Thursday night, said Fremont Detective Bill Veteran. He also hit his 14-year-old stepdaughter.” Read full story.
The news is full of stories like the one above that call into question the common notion that a child needs both of his biologic parents. Often, people say, “She needs to love her mother.” Or, “He needs to love his father.”
The majority of children do need a relationship with both parents
The idea that children need to love and have a relationship with both parents is indeed true for the majority of children who are affected by separation or divorce. In cases where both parents have an ongoing love and commitment to the child, they have proven it in words and actions. Actions such as providing financial support, spending time with the child, and making the parent-child relationship a top priority demonstrate a commitment to parenting.
Unfortunately however, some parents may also have a hard time getting along with each other for the sake of their children. Parents fighting over children and placing them in the middle of ongoing conflict is detrimental to children. These parents need education to help them in the transition to co-parenting. This education is mandated now for divorcing parents in most states.
Children of sociopaths deserve our protection
There are nonetheless a minority of children being raised by a relatively healthy parent and vexed by a parent who is a sociopath or addict. We advise other family members of sociopaths and addicts to cut ties with the affected person. Ties can later be reestablished if the person demonstrates a commitment through action that he/she desires a better lifestyle.
Why then, to we think it is healthy for the children of sociopaths and addicts to have a relationship with them?
Science has demonstrated that children are harmed by sociopathic parents
The scientific literature clearly demonstrates that it is detrimental for children to grow up with adults who are aggressive, controlling and manipulative.
According to a recent study of 1,116 five-year-old twin pairs and their parents, “Behavioral genetic analyses showed that children who resided with antisocial fathers received a ‘double whammy’ of genetic and environmental risk for conduct problems.” The authors therefore concluded, “Marriage may not be the answer to the problems faced by some children living in single-parent families unless their fathers can become reliable sources of emotional and economic support.” (Jaffee, Moffitt, Caspi, Taylor, Life with (or without) father: the benefits of living with two biological parents depends on the father’s antisocial behavior, 2003).
The children of sociopathic mothers are at even greater risk due to the stronger genetic basis of female antisocial behavior and the nature of the mother-child relationship.
What will it take to change our laws?
Why then do the courts consistently award visitation to parents who have been diagnosed with addiction and/or sociopathy? The lawmakers who have made these laws, and the judges who interpret them, are for the most part uneducated as to the nature of both sociopathy and the needs of children.
In my opinion, the concept of supervised visitation is confusing to children. How is the child to benefit from having his schedule disrupted to go to a strange place and visit someone who is supposed to be functioning as his/her caretaker?
There have been many instances in our public history where flaws in our laws have been detected and changed by concerned citizens. This only happens when those who are concerned form an organized lobbying effort.
Those of us who are healing from a relationship with a sociopath and working hard to raise children properly, have a hard time finding the energy for such an effort. We need the help of those who have already finished raising the next generation and others familiar with sociopathy. We also need the help of professionals who work in the field.
If we work together, perhaps future children will have a better chance at a peaceful childhood.
Dear Girl,
You have been given some good advice. No one deserves to be abused, either physically or mentally, but if we, in turn, abuse others, we have lost both ways. I would rather be abused than BE AN ABUSER. Even though a psychopath may laugh at how they made someone suffer, they can’t even realize what they have NOT GOT that we HAVE GOT—and that is the wonderful capacity to love—to love others and to love ourselves. They are not capable of doing either.
You are not alone in having been abused, or in having pain or self doubt. Get soem counseling, if you don’t have insurance or can’t find a counselor taht gets it, call a local domestic violence shelter and get a referral from them for a support group or a counselor. Good luck.
SAD SAD STORY.
“We need the help of those who have already finished raising the next generation and others familiar with sociopathy. We also need the help of professionals who work in the field.”
Liane, statement sums it all up. As I’ve posted previously, I’m facing this life changing situation with my youngest son. He has nowhere to go, nobody to turn to, and no idea that he’s been a victim his entire life. His victimization after the spath father was compounded by the abuse of his older spath brother. This is deep, dark, scary stuff for me. I’m still stumbling along my own healing path, and I want to believe that I’m far along enough to walk alongside this kid, but I’m pretty frightened of the things that I know will be lurking behind every corner.
Counseling is going to be imperative – a mandate. To address the youngest son’s victimization by his spath brother. Hopefully, a good, wise, and savvy counselor is going to help him recognize and move beyond the victim status and onto the Survivor healing path.
Whew……less than a month to prepare, and I’ve got to get this fear under control.
Dear Buttons,
I know you want to do all you can to help your youngest son, Believe me, been there with my older son (the ADHD one) but I also realize that I can’t help him, he must be willing to help himself, to see a need to help himself. I don’t think he does see that need. He has been pulled repeatedly into the “anti-mom” ranks by his P-brother, he married a P and Actually I thought he was just being manipulated into the “anti-mom” ranks again, but he is so EASILY recruited into their ranks REPEATEDLY that I realize that HE HAS SOME MAJOR ISSUES that HE is not willing to address-=–maybe it is too painful for him to address, or he is in denial about his problems, but whatever the issues, I am not able to help him, and I refuse to enable him. He’s an adult, however flawed, HE IS AN ADULT.
Adults, however good or bad, wise or unwise, must make their own decisions on their behavior and lives. They get the consequences to go with those decisions.
Stay strong, Buttons and remember you are NOT responsible for this past abuse of him, and YOU CANNOT REPAIR IT, you may be supportive of your and love him, but HE HAS TO RECOGNIZE HE NEEDS TO HELP HIMSELF, AND THEN HE HAS TO DO THE WORK TO HELP HIMSELF. So don’t put the outcome of this on your shoulders! ((((Hugs)))))
Thanks so much, OxD – I’m okay with not being able to help him. I have to leave that up to him and his counselor. What I’m so afraid of are the lurking monsters……the triggers, the fear, the horrors. I don’t know how they do it, but professional counselors maintain this air of calm that’s almost impermeable. I want that ability to be able to hear the “bad stuff” and not react. I had one counselor who did display shock, but not to the point where it was in appropriate – more of a supportive acknowledgment. I’m fearful that I’m going to hear things that are just too much for me to process, even knowing what I do about the ex spath and the spath son.
I don’t want to react, and I’m a very reactional personality. I become outraged, saddened, horrified, etc., and I’ve been really working on not reacting for a while. Every now and then, I’ll have an emotional moment (like earlier today) when I let “it” out, and move on. I don’t want to react simply because I don’t want to feed the victim monkey – if that makes ANY sense. I don’t even want to talk. I’m prepared to listen, but I don’t want to disclose or discuss, unless it’s techniques that I’ve learned over the years. Even still, by simple discussion like that, I don’t want to give away too much information.
As it stands, I’m paying attention to me and the obvious triggers in an attempt to figure out different ways to manage them. I need to stay centered and focused and this is the place for me to keep working on that.
Thanks so much, OxD. You’re a real beacon to me and you provide so much insight. Brightest blessings to you.
Dear Buttons,
I’m not sure I agree with your goal to “not react” when you hear new stories of “tortures” your son has endured is a good idea. A counselor (professional) is a human but them “not reacting” (*being triggered) is because they are NOT emotionally involved, you are not their mother or their sister, but they do have human compassion. I had NO problem being compassionate but not “reacting” in my own role as a counselor working with in or out patients, but I kept a PROFESSIONAL DISTANCE EMOTIONALLY if that makes any sense.
Being there to “help” is important, but I did not TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for my patients and if they failed to get better I did not “blame” myself.
It is just like when I was doing the diabetic teaching with patients, and told them “Look, diabetes is a do it yourself disease, I am like a COACH, but YOU are the team. I can tell you the rules, but it is up to you to get out on the field and play the game.”
Some patients would follow the rules and they did well, and other people would play “games” with me, like eating right for 2-3 days before they came for an appointment so their blood sugar would be down some, but I could figure out what they were doing, because there is also a blood test called an HA1-C which tells what the AVERAGE blood sugar rate is for the past 3 months, so they can’t fake me out. I even had an adult woman scream at me once “You can’t tell me what I can eat or not! I can eat what I want!” I told her “That is true, you can eat sugar out of a bowl with a spoon if that is what you want to do, but YOU are the one going to get the blindness, kidney failure and amputated limbs and strokes, so you are free to follow my advice or not, but the consequences will still be there, for YOU.”
You mental illness and the recovery from abuse and living with disordered individuals is also a DO IT YOURSELF healing path. Many people are not able or Willing to do the work it takes to get on and stay on this path, and no matter how much we love them we can’t do it for them.
When I first started teaching the diabetes patients I used to get so frustrated and sometimes even angry at patients who would just ignore good advice and I knew they were destroying their bodies unnecessarily and I would be so angry, or feel like I had to try harder some how, but you know, after being ait it a few years I realized it is my responsibility to TEACH Them correctly, but it is THEIR responsibility to ACT on that knowledge.
At the same time I was angry at them for not doing what I told them, I WAS SMOKING!!!! DUH? Talk about a hypocrit!!!! I was a professional hypocrit. I got PAID for being one! LOL ROTFLMAO
Now I realize if someone asks for my advice it is okay for me to give it to them, but I have NO pass to be mad at them if they don’t take it, and they have EVERY right not to take it. At the same time, though, whether or not I am right or wrong with my advice, THEY are the ones who have the only RIGHT to make the choice and THEY get the consequences. So if they take my advice or not, I am not going to reach out and catch the consequences if things go badly.
Okie dokie, OxD – I get what you’re saying about the professional vs emotional association.
Yes! I know people who did that, as well: trying to fudge glucose tests and having the NERVE to act suprised when they were prescribed insulin!!!!
The boy is going to have to want to fix himself, absolutely. I can’t force it. I can’t fix it. I don’t want that responsiblity, either. More talk – more words – more suggestions! You make sense to me, OxD. You really make sense to me.
Brightest blessings!
Dear Buttons, don’t want to appear to be preaching to you sweetie, but I also have “been there” abo9ut helping my older son C who is not a Psychopath but has some serious issues as well. He wasw/is also a victim of his brother and the Trojan Horse Psychopath his brother sent after us, as well as his P wife, but you know, I can’t “help” him cause he does not want (A) to ADMIT his problems, and (B) be responsible for fixing himself. He knew full well that his staying here was contengent on him NEVER LYING TO EITHER ME OR HIS BROTHER and saying what he was doing and doing what he promised. Well, he did what he promised for quite some time, over a year, but then he became unwilling to abide by the promises, so instead of manning up and saying “I think I better go somewhere else to live because I don’t want to abide by the agreement I made with yo9u” instead OF DOING THAT, HE BROKE THE AGREEMENT, THEN LIED TO COVER UP BREAKING IT, THEN PROJECTED ON TO ME, THE BLAME FOR HIM BREAKING IT! LOL Then lied to his friends about why he couldn’t live here any more. I have little doubt that he will be in grave financial condition (though he will have Tens of thousands of dollars worth of computers) before too long, with the economy what it is, he is fortunate to have a job in his field, but his boss is very old and VERY SICK and when the man dies the business will close within a week. My son has never managed his finances well, instead he buys “toys” rather than saves money for a “rainy day”—like for the next flat tire. Having money ahead enough to get a flat tire fixed is not in his agenda it seems! LOL So if he loses his job, or has vehicle trouble and no money to frix it now he has RENT to pay, no way to get to work (if he were living here and had that happen his brother would help him fix the vehicle, and I would loan him money for parts if needed, and even if he lost his job, I would let him “work out” his rent here on the farm until he could find another job if need be.)
But because he CHOSE to spend money for “toys” rather than save for a rainy day (as he had agreed to in order to live here) and had also CHOSEN TO LIE TO ME, he is no longer welcome to live here in this house. He has also lost any assistance from us for the future. NO MATTER HOW BADLY HE NEEDS IT. There will not be a mom or a brother riding to the rescue to help him any more. He is on his own from now on.
Unfortunately, his “friends” are all in the same financial boat that he is because they spend any money they can lay their hands on for “toys”—they may drive no car, or at best a rattle trap one, but they will have a 45 inch plasma or LED TV, and the lastest computer and latest phone and the best cable TV and internet hook up. So his friends are also only one pay check away from insolvency too. (“Birds of a feather flock together”.)
I love my son C Buttons, I really do, but I also know that there isn’t a way I can “help” him because he isn’t willing to help himself or at 40 years old grow up and mature! He is “stuck” at the 15 year old level of maturity—video games and so on. I will say though that he does have a great work ethic and is a good employee for his boss. He’s smart and in many ways a man I can be proud of, but in other ways, he is not someone I can TRUST. I’m sorry about that too, because I would LOVE TO TRUST HIM but he has proven time and time again that I am not able to trust him, and that he continues to think it is okay to lie to me. (Even though he gets righteo!) LOL
Yes, OxD, I follow you on this, and you’re NOT preaching! Spath son lived with us for a total of 6 weeks before his deceptions fell apart – HE made the same decision to lie, cheat, steal, forge documents, etc…..and, he had to live up to the terms of our agreement. Out he went, and I’m still the raving bitch that left him “homeless!”
Strict boundaries are so vital, and I’m learning this slowly, but surely. The first 2 weeks are going to be “vacation” time. Help around the house, clean up after himself, but otherwise relax and decompress. After that two weeks is up, we are going to draw up a contract with goals, conditions, and consequences for breaking any part of the agreement. Yes, it seems ludicrous to have to draw up a contract with a 19 y/o, but he’s going to have to take responsibility for himself, one step at a time. We can walk beside him, but we cannot, and WILL NOT, carry him.
Dear Buttons, I think you have got this all well in hand! Good for you!!!!! I thinkk otherwise it would run you NUTSO! Keep us posted on it, I will be interested to see how this boy reacts.
Good for you, glad to know that you are the same kind of “raving bitch” that I am!!!! We’re good people, us raving bitches!!!! LOL