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By | February 22, 2013 45 Comments

Christian Mingle hook-up allegedly leads to rape

Navy veteran Sean Patrick Banks, 37, of Del Mar, California, was charged with raping a woman he met on the Christian Mingle dating site. Police are looking for other victims.

Calif. man accused of raping woman met on Christian site, on USAToday.com.

Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.


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Ox Drover

This story goes along with the FBI warning about on line dating sites. It is in my opinion just too dangerous to take a chance, you might pay with your LIFE.

The fact that it is a “Christian” site doesn’t make it one bit more “safe” than the “Hell’s angels looking for partners” site. By posing as a “Christian” they are likely to find wo/men who are unsuspecting.

Radar_On

Amen OxD! The online or otherwise, dating “services” i believe are just plain dangerous. The “christian” in the “mingle”, they are just pimping the christian theme for profits. It’s grevious to me to think how many unaware women, and men ate at such risk!

Truthspeak

Donna, THANK YOU for this article and I sincerely hope that other victims will come forward.

Online dating sites are BUSINESSES and not altruistic organizations devoted to arranging healthy, successful unions. If members keep meeting up with unsuitable dates, members continue to look and look and spend their dollars to maintain their membership profiles. Did anyone notice how many dating “services” the parent company has?

These ONLINE “services” are the MOST perfect trolling grounds for predators, as we have discussed. Sites specifically targeting “Christian” individuals are particularly dangerous because predators have exploited religion for aeons – “virtual” life simply provides an even thicker cloak of respectability and anonymity to assist predators in their efforts to secure multiple and widespread targets.

Online dating? Oh, absolutely NOT. No time to meet potential dates in Real Life situations? Then I don’t need to entertain the prospect, at all.

Again, thank you for this harrowing reminder of the DANGERS of online dating.

Brightest blessings

phoenix99

I definitely agree. I met my sociopath online in a chatroom. It was not a dating service nor had I intended to meet him. There were red flags which I stupidly ignored. Now, I’m three years out, angry, I never want to date again… and I’m sickened by all of the smug couples I encounter when I explain I don’t want to date again. I do know that not all people are sociopaths, but between my sociopathic ex and the other just your plain normal jerks I’ve dated, I just don’t feel like putting in the effort any more. It really is sad in the story above when sick people like that take advantage of people just looking for love. And heck, by chance you would think a Christian oriented website would be a good place to look.

Louise

phoenix99:

I have the same experience when I tell people I don’t want to date. I get looked at like I have three heads or something. After all, what normal person doesn’t want to date, right?…that is what society thinks…that we all must be “coupled” to be normal or feel worthy. I hate it. That’s me…too much effort…I am done with it. It’s just not worth it to me anymore.

kim frederick

Yep. I am happily single. For the first time, I can be all about me, with no apology, and I gotta say, I like it. A lot.

Louise

Yay, kim!!!! 🙂

MoonDancer

Yap, I surrender too. Maybe in my next life time.

Truthspeak

Phoenix99, I became acquainted with the second exspath in a chat toom, as well. He presented EVERYTHING that I craved because I gave him the information, myself! He produced the illusion with surgical precision. I still believed that MY honesty and good intentions would be appreciated and returned in like-kind because my system of beliefs was flawed and I was way, way damaged by the first exspath.

I don’t view other healthy and committed couples as being “smug” because I’m getting past the anger towards myself. I am pleased and grateful that there ARE healthy relationships – romantic AND platonic. This fact reminds me that the entire world isn’t disordered.

Brightest blessings

Truthspeak

As a strict aside, anyone who has been following the series “Walking Dead” might identify my interest in the character of Dale. This character spoke reasonably and truthfully, even when speaking the truth upset other characters.

It’s NEVER going to be about who likes me, approves of me, or accepts me, ever again. I provide my OWN validation and I’ll never need to seek it from another man, woman, or child.

kim frederick

Soothsayers are never popular with the maddening crowd. Just sayin’.

phoenix99

I agree with what you said Truthspeak. I just wanted to clarify about what I meant about smug couples. I didn’t mean couples that are together and are happy. I was speaking of couples that feel superior to people that are single and feel they know everything about relationships because theirs is a successful one. Or they have a belief that what they want in life is what everyone else should want too.

I can also relate to what you said about revealing so much. That is what happened with my ex sociopath. I told him my deepest and darkest secrets. I was in a bad place in my life I was physically and mentally sick and the doctors didn’t know what was wrong. Of course he acted like the knight in shining armor.

To Louise and Kim, I’m glad to hear others feel the way I do about dating when most people my age are married or are in a serious relationship. I just feel so liberated not to be attached. I think I was personally worn out trying to make him happy. Mine was also a sex addict. A big time sex addict! That is what he wanted to gain from or should I say take. There was no way to keep him satisfied. I always ask myself if other people who know him realize he is a sociopath. He would compartmentalize his life and accuse me of doing that. He claimed he felt like the woman in the relationship in terms of feelings. This particular post also really touches me because he would ask me over to his place to meet him for the first time. I never went because it wasn’t a smart idea to put myself in that circumstance. I was afraid what if he wasn’t the person I thought he was. In a way I was right, he wasn’t the person I thought he was. I was also afraid of what happened to the woman in this story happening to me. That being said, when I explained this as an in general thing that I don’t do that on first dates and why. Initially the sociopath was furious at me for not trusting him and made me feel guilty instead of realizing that I’m a young woman and should take care of being in those circumstances. As for why I ultimately met him… he worse me down. He took “no” as just persisting more. I took his persistance in a different way and I was also feeling desperate at the time. Of course they are experts and taking advantage of that. He played me on the line that he accepted my values that are traditionally more christian. I think that was the challenge of what he wanted and throw me away like a wrapper from a chocolate bar. I’m still dealing with the anger from all of this. When we broke up he said he was with someone else. I’m not sure if it is true because he is A) a pathological liar and B) he still spent a lot of time talking to me. He then had the nerve to tell me how to move forward and how I should date a nice christian guy and he was so obnoxious about telling me the stages of how I would get over the break up and ultimately forget about him. If anyone has advice getting over the anger and humiliation I would love to hear it. It is a little over 3 yrs now and while I don’t feel the same pain as when it just happened. I still feel the deep seed of anger about how he duped me, how he got away with it, and how he had the nerve to tell me what I should and should not feel and to give me a time line about calling him back if I wanted to remain friends. I will say this I did not call him again. I was too furious. I felt if I did call him, I would be losing my self respect. I didn’t want him to think he could treat me like dirt and keep me as a friend. At this point I didn’t realize he was a sociopath. A friend said the word when I spoke of him and the more I read the more I realize how sick and evil he is. I did pray that everyone would see his scarlet letter of “S” on his forehead. Ironically, in pictures I’ve seen of him since he does have a sinister smile compared to the “sweet” one he used to have plastered on his face. It isn’t that I’m seeing something new. I’ve had friends that didn’t know him look at the picture and say how he looked like he thought his you know what didn’t stink.

kim frederick

Well, Phoenix, just remind yourself that you are a beautiful bird, flying up…out of the hot mess of his you know what, that didn’t stink.

phoenix99

Thanks Kim… there are days though that I wonder when karma will kick in and happen. I know I shouldn’t focus on that aspect. Ok, I do know why at the time I was a target, but I wonder why I had to have someone like him come into my life.

kim frederick

I LOVE THIS POEM by Rumi….it says it all, to me. It’s all about growing and learning, and sometimes, it isn’t pleasant…but, it should always be honored. I know. How do we honor the guest that trashed our house, and shit on our furniture? We just realize that it was God’s plan to teach us something…..
http://www.panhala.net/archive/the_guest_house.html

kim frederick

Oxy, what is the name of your mimdfulness meditation guy? I know itt’s Zin something. I visited a web-site the other day, and he concluded a practice session with a poem, but I can’t seem to access it now. I don’t remember the poets name, and I don’t remember the mindfulness Dr.s. name either….guess I have CRSS…LOL

Nice Kim, very nice poem. I also enjoyed reading the Notre Dame article. Thanks. I don’t think I’ve ever read the book. Most of my life I avoided anything dark –lol, at least I THOUGHT I was avoiding anything dark… As they say, “What we fear in the night, in the day comes to call anyway.”

I’ve been thinking about renting the Hannibal Lector series. But I’m too chicken. ROTFLMAO. It seems funny to say that since I lived with him for 25 years.

Phoenix,
my subconscious must’ve known what I was with because I tended to hide my hurt from him. One time, I broke up with him and wrote him a long, long letter telling him exactly why. Then panic took over and I burnt it. In my mind, I thought it was too risky to be that honest and vulnerable with him. Before that, I had burned my diary from my teen years. So, yes, my subconscious – my right brain- was screaming at me to hide, but I didn’t understand what any of that meant.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that your anger is probably coming from having revealed yourself to him and letting yourself be vulnerable, only to find out that he used your vulnerability against you. It is this betrayal that wounds us so much.

This is why the spaths lies so much and about everything. They have every intention of using your honesty against you, so they aren’t going to give you the chance to do the same to them. Toward this end, they’ll lie about everything from the most important thing to the minutia of his day. Lies, lies, lies of self-protection.

So now you know what he is and they are ALL THE SAME. They live the same deceitful, paranoid lives while wearing the 180° mask. Could anything be more pathetic than to live that way? In his attempts to harm you, LOOK at what he had to do to himself!! Look at the perversion of a human being he has become.

That’s why, when I left my spath and he called me and asked, “Tell me what I did to hurt you.”

I said, “Nothing, Spath. You didn’t do anything to me, compared to what you did to yourself.”

So anyway, when you are angry at him for what he did to you, remember that he did so much worse to himself. It would be funny if it wasn’t so pathetic.

Ox Drover

Kim it is Jon Kabat-Zinn, the name of his book I bought is Mindfulness for Beginners and iit comes with a CD in the back. I also bought a guided mindfulness meditation 4 disc CD collection.

I like discs 1 and 3 the best but you might like the others better, I really think it helps me to “unlax” and take some of the tension out of my mind and body.

newlife43

All of the following quotes really got to me. I now have three new issues, phrased for me, that I will be using EFT to tap on. Thanks for writing them. They will help with my healing because they express the opposites of all the fear-based beliefs I have about myself.

It’s NEVER going to be about who likes me, approves of me, or accepts me, ever again. I provide my OWN validation and I’ll never need to seek it from another man, woman, or child….quote from Truthspeak.

Yep. I am happily single. For the first time, I can be all about me, with no apology, and I gotta say, I like it. A lot…quote from Kim Frederick

I told him my deepest and darkest secrets. I was in a bad place in my life I was physically and mentally sick and the doctors didn’t know what was wrong. Of course he acted like the knight in shining armor…quote from Phoenix

pattywack

It’s true there are no qualifications to be on Christian Mingle! I am also a Christian Mingle member but not too interested in anyone. It’s just like going to church doesn’t make you any more Christian than sitting in the garage makes you a car. We assume a lot about people claiming to be Christian, but church lets anyone in ! And someone may believe in God but that does not mean they live like a Christian. Some black churches are used for pimps looking for girls. We need to look further into the character for any sign of a conscience. The Bible says “WE KNOW THEM BY THEIR FRUIT” a nice way of saying don’t believe what they say, only what you see.

Ox Drover

Pattywack, the problem is on a cyber site it is very difficult to SEE what “fruit” they produce as they can put up a “picture” in words that is totally fake. Of course in real life in person they can also do that, but it is easier to see the REAL FRUIT than over a computer screen.

The red flags of fraud are easier to spot in real life. Viewing the person in their “natural habitat” like the way an animal behaves in the zoo isn’t like it does in the “wild.” Knowing a person’s family, friends, etc helps to show what kind of person they are.

You are right about what makes a “Christian” and Jesus said we would have “wolves in sheep’s clothing” and He was right. Unfortunately, learning about someone you meet on a dating site of ANY kind is in my opinion DANGEROUS.

fixerupper

Hi, Phoenix99!

You sound like a person that has their act together.
I am not sure why but, I get a sense that you might benefit from meeting a couple of nice ‘Beta’ males – regular guys – at some kind of outing, like, dancing, bowling, or some outdoor activity.. Forgive me if I this sounds condescending – I don’t mean it that way – but I am sure that you are a ‘keeper’ for any number of good guys. You should be happy. You deserve to be happy. And, now that you have learned to recognize the sociopathic guys – it seems that you will be O-K. I hope that you do not let that last twerp rule the rest of your life. ( I should talk – I am still climbing out from the entangled and twisted, choking vines of my relationship with a ‘shepath’ (Thanks to Tea Light for that term.), but am making progress.) Purge your system of the spath venom -please!

You wrote:
“He then had the nerve to tell me how to move forward

….

…he had the nerve to tell me what I should and should not feel ”

Wow, this and so much sound just like my shepath ex-gf. They should get together.
She ‘moved on’ and suddenly acted like she didn’t even know me- like I was a service station attendant. No remorse. No conscience. Just plenty of cold, impersonal ‘direction’ on how and what to feel. And if you react ‘inappropriately’ to the directives of one of these sociopaths – they snap at you as if to treat you like an insolent child or disruptive schoolboy – or girl. It’s just the extension and Final Act of how they treated us and how they thought of us ALL along.

How to get over pain and humiliation? The way I see it, from the beginning, my shepath ex-gf wanted me to feel inadequate, in pain and humiliated. She revealed her true colors to me. In the final days of our time together, she tried to humiliate me in front of a large gathering of my relatives at an anniversary party. Imagine the depravity of the mind of a person that would save up their biggest and best ‘shots’ for the final act of a relationship!
Because pain and humiliation is what SHE wants, then, I won’t give it to her. Whether she sees me or not–I won’t give it to her. That helps me to feel better.

bluemosaic

Just WOW…WOW, over reading this whole thread.

I am in a serious state of sad today and came upon this place, read it all and boy, did I take alot of notes.

Truthspeak, I absolutely loved the quote about never seeking /needing validation from another human being for the remainder of my life…I fell into trying to please my monster like falling into a pit of mud, no doubt from childhood. I am not that woman yet, but…damn determined to become her!

Kim Frederick, you are so right with regard to being happy to be single…I have never felt like that in my life, still don’t , but I am disciplining my inner-girl and making sure I am single till said little girl does feel happy with-in and does not feel like she has to have a man. Buying self a giant teddy bear taday.

Phoenix, I cannot tell you why your call nme brings shivers to my spine…..nough said. I too told my spath the deepest dark secrets, all used against me. Soul rape to be sure. He also did the pattern at end you described …to the letter. Are you me?…am I you? I mean he asked for a 2-3 day hook-up…till I found out he had his back burner girl in the place I had just vacated (living with him part time…unlike my full time live-in with him)…which left him with the 2-3 days he could still devote to f’ing with my heart/ soul and mind. Damn, did that hurt , when I found out! Cried for three days…non-stop. Face so swollen, I could not go out in public or work. Then at end , he would say, “it is only natural that you are hurt…you should start dating”…WTF, I was so devastated, I could barely tie my shoes! LOL Then the suggestion that we be freinds!!!! OMG, with freinds like that, who the hell needs an enemy? I told him,…I cannot be freinds with a man who decieved me, betrayed me, used me like a two-bit Ho and offered Marriage till one day deciding I did not meet his expectations in bed/socially/emotionally (pretty much every part of my being) ..he decided it was time to move on…telling me all the reasons for my being wrong woman…all of which he knew by first week of meeting me.
Just wow…I really was a perfect sitting duck for the MF’er. Angry today. Have been doing my EFT…it is helping. It is also helping to hear all the input on here. Thx to all of you, I am learning soooo much.

TapTap…..”Just for today, I am going to allow myself to kick his Ass in my minds eye, b/c I am still in angry/sad phase….and I deeply love and accept that fact and myself, just the way I am.” TapTap….

OK, my taps were actually different, but this may be one for today….so f’ing mad, and yes , at myself too.

Maybe in a couple more months, those statements will turn into something more loving and not be about F’ing monster anymore.

Peace to all, hugs and more hugs!!!

Blue (or black n blue LOL)

bluemosaic

OOOps, in such a blather of all I connected with, forgot to mention…I met the SOB on POF….I will never date on line again. I may join a nunnery….not sure yet.
He called himself a Daddy LION…boy was that prophetic. He shredded and devoured me.

Blue

strongawoman

Morning Blue, or is it Sister? Lol, you’re very funny. It’s good you still have your sense of humour.

POF….particularly nasty site. It’s free here in UK….plenty of turds might be a more apt name but hey ho.

I think the anger thing is good btw.
I particularly identified with what Skylar said,

“I guess what I’m trying to say is that your anger is probably coming from having revealed yourself to him and letting yourself be vulnerable, only to find out that he used your vulnerability against you. It is this betrayal that wounds us so much.”

What a perfect little nugget of truth, Sky. Ouch!!

Tea Light

Daddy Lion? Urgh. “Daddy” anything in a sexual context urgh. Blue your spirit and energy and sense of the absurd are going to pull you through nicely. Glad I am not alone in teddying up when the going got tough. Pah, who’s looking? Pass the slanket and the box of maltesers, me and Barney are gearing up for some dvd boxset action. Peace and love blue. The monster’s gone. Hurrah! x

Tea Light

Full Disclosure. I don’t actually have a slanket but I recommend googling images of them for a laff. I do have a Barney and some maltesers however.

Tea Light

Fixer shepath is my little gift to you. You are the Original Shepath Survivor. T shirt opportunity right there, possibly only for wearing in the privacy of your own home 🙂 x

fixerupper

Tea Light-
Thanks! Wow, I feel like I have just been given a medal! But there are many more that came before me and deserve more credit – fer sure.
The T-shirt idea is great!
Big letters across the chest:
I SURVIVED A SHE-PATH.
[image of she-path]

And on the back:

Bye-Bye!

strongawoman

Tealight,

I actually googled slanket!

Tea Light

Fixer: privacy of your own home. Can’t emphasis that enough.;-) love to you you’re doing great by the sound of your recent posts x strongawoman hahaha did you see mr. and mrs. Slanket laptopping away like two techies in an acrylic pod? x

fixerupper

bluemosaic wrote:

“…all of which he knew by first week of meeting me.”

Sounds like my shepath ex-gf. Having now seen her true colors during the final ‘discard process’ – I think that she had the same feeling but then proceeded to use the next 18-months+ to dismember me.

Reminds me of how a wasp paralyzes a caterpillar in order that it’s offspring will have ‘fresh meat’ to eat when they emerge from their eggs. It also reminds me of the movie ‘Misery.’

strongawoman

Tea, that made me lol and lmfao!!

Louise

Tea Light:

Hahaha, slanket…here in the US they are called Snuggie. So funny! I love reading your posts…what would I do without you? x

Tea Light

Lou hahaha which of you me and strongawoman will resist the slanket’s siren call the longest? Won’t be ME that’s for sure where’s my credit card ? lol x

Louise

Tea Light:

I always wanted one actually…looks so comfy, but they do get laughed at…haha. I’ll take some maltesers though…pass the box, please. x

strongawoman

Nah ive got something similar. well actually its just a fleecie blanket with fake fur on the other side an no sleeves….nothing like it at all. lol. But its yummy and snuggly. Yeh Louise I like the name snuggie.

What about those heated boots you can get?

strongawoman

TeaLight shuffles off with maltesers box…….

Tea Light

Heated boot singular you mean strongawoman. *innocent face* what about them? What’s wrong with them? Lol

strongawoman

Mmm, esp the checked ones with furry trim? Ahahaha 😆

Tea Light

Strongawoman I find the electric static crackling over the trim really livens up the long winter nights 😉 x

mich0101

It took me several months to break out of a 3 year relationship with a sociopath. I met him on Match, so I will never online date again. I knew something was wrong but I could never put my finger on it. He was a major sex addict. He lied and cheated constantly. I ended things all the time, almost once a month. He always begged me back and promised me the world. He had some kind of control over my emotions. Very manipulative. I am looking for a way to put this behind me and move on. I feel so used and betrayed.

strongawoman

Hello mich0101,

welcome…… and the good news is that you found your way to LF! Read, absorb, post and vent. Good luck.

Ox Drover

mich0101,

The way to put this behind you and move on is to learn about what a psychopath is and how they manipulate us, how to spot them before they get you hooked. Donna Andersen’s book “Red Flags of Love Fraud” iis probably the best first book to read, and “Without Conscience” by Dr. Robert hare is number two, and keep on reading and blogging here. There is lots of great information here and people who understand and are supportive. You are NOT ALONE. Welcome.

mich0101

Thanks, I am already finding this site to be helpful. None of my friends understand. They just tell me to put it behind me and move on with my life. I have a therapy apt next week but I know it’s going to be a long haul. And we live in the same town and I don’t know what I will do if I run into him, his friends or family.

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