Christmas and Toxic Relationships: Not-So-Great Expectations

Editor’s note: Liberty Forrest, author of several self-help books and a certified Law of Attraction Life Coach, explains how Christmas and toxic relationships may increase the pressure others place on us, and the pressure we place on ourselves. Read more about Liberty.

By Liberty Forrest

This season is supposed to be about wonder and magic, about loving and giving, aspects of our lives that we’re meant to be contemplating throughout the year but especially now. But somehow, it can become too easy to be swallowed up in shoulds, oughts and musts. Throughout the year, people expect us to be, do or give this or that, but at Christmas, this is all amplified. The expectations rise, and we feel pressured to be more, do more, give more.

Throw in all those unbearably emotional Hallmark films and touching adverts about family members happily gathered together at long last, the fire roaring beside the dining room table which is about to break under the weight of a ton of food and fine dishes, and right away we’re set up for disaster. Especially when we’re recovering from the fallout from a toxic relationship and a boatload of unhappiness. Still, we think we’re supposed to recreate those television fantasy Christmas scenes.

So we bust our backsides and decorate and bake and wrap gifts and clean and shop our brains out. We decorate every nook and cranny until our homes look like Christmas threw up all over them. We invite and entertain (at least we did in normal years, when we weren’t isolating because of coronavirus), putting on a smile when we’re choking on frustration, grief, or resentment. We eat until we’re sick.

Read more: Three miserable Christmases with the sociopath, and how to heal the memories

We want it to be perfect for our families and friends. We stress about what we still have left to do, and we don’t think we’ll get it all done. But we have to do it.  Because everyone expects it!!!

And there’s more than just what we’re expected to do for the holiday. There are massive expectations about what we expect it to do for us, too. We want it to feel like those very moving, final Hallmark scenes. We pray that maybe this is the year that Christmas will work the magic we keep hearing about. Maybe this is the year that it’ll heal long-standing family wounds. Maybe this is the year you can finally have a more “normal” Christmas without the sociopath ruining the entire season in one way or another.

So we carry on, stressing and preparing and worrying and then The Big Day arrives and we open the gifts and eat the food and see the family and/or friends. But it never feels like the Hallmark film or the touching advert. We feel terribly empty when that fantasy Christmas feeling just doesn’t happen and the family healing just doesn’t happen either.

And in fact, there may be some new scars added when, with all these extra pressures and expectations, you can add a large bowl of short fuses, and a hefty helping of crushing disappointment to the menu.

This season is supposed to be a reminder of what’s important in life. All of us know this, yet so many of us are on that Christmas hamster wheel, thinking that if we do more Christmas stuff, the holiday will mean even more. And it might just take away some of our pain. 

Learn more: Self-care for survivors

But what happens is that it ends up meaning less. Dare I point out what that is really saying… it ends up “meaningless”… Ironically, it will, indeed, have reminded us – yet again – of what is important, but not in the way we had hoped. Not in the way we expected. It will be because we’ve heaped a ton of expectation on it and it will have let us down. Once again, we’ll have learned that despite all that insane shopping and baking and cleaning and wrapping and inviting, it did not produce the magic of the Hallmark films. And we just can’t understand it. After all, we did all the right stuff. Didn’t we?

Throughout the year, we expect certain things from others and from ourselves. And we let others’ expectations of us become what we expect from ourselves, too. Unfortunately, sometimes it’s a short trip from expectation to disrespect, and then you’re a stone’s throw from disaster. Very quickly, they blend one into the other like bleeding watercolours. Expectation is merely the mask of demand, and guilt is its cloak.

Christmas is a really huge “in-your-face” reminder not to just go through the motions in your life, doing what’s expected of you just for the sake of doing it. But remember the irony…the more you try to make Christmas perfect, the less likely it’s going to happen. Especially if you’re hoping it’ll wipe away the toxic residue of a sociopath’s fingerprints that cover your life. Elaborate Christmas preparations and expectations will often bring equally elaborate disappointments. The greatest Christmas joy can be found in the simplest of words and deeds.

If you stop expecting Christmas to repair all those family problems and wounds, and instead simply behave in a way that the holiday is meant to represent, you’re more likely to find some of the healing that you desire. If you reduce your expectations of others and simply enjoy what their presence brings to your life – not just now, but year-round – you will be much happier.

Don’t do more Christmas stuff. Be more Christmas-like. Every day. Your life will thank you for it.

This article was originally published at LibertyForrest.com. Reprinted with permission from the author.