By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
One of the things I have heard from victims of psychopaths here at Lovefraud, seemingly over and over, is that people compare their losses to my losses and Donna’s losses and Dr. Liane Leedom’s losses, etc. and think that their losses don’t “count” because they haven’t lost X, Y, or Z and we did. They seem to think that because I lost a child, or Liane lost her medical practice, or Donna lost a quarter of a million dollars, that they are not entitled to feel as injured as we were/are.
The people expressing this somehow seem to have “survivor’s guilt” about feeling so devastated when their losses were somehow “less.” Or they feel that we are somehow “super heroes” because we survived “big losses.”
I felt that way too when I was reading Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning. Dr. Frankl wrote the book after his years in a German Nazi concentration camp, in which he lost everything except his life, and barely retained that.
Pain is like gas
I felt that my own losses didn’t compare to Dr. Frankl’s losses, and that somehow I should feel guilty for feeling such great pain and desperation. Then I read Dr. Frankl’s explanation of how pain operates like a gas.
In science, we learn that a gas, because it has atoms that are far apart, will expand until it completely fills an empty container. It will also compress easily so that a larger amount of the gas can be put into a small container. In any case, the container is full. It is totally filled.
I realized upon reading this that my pain was just as “total” as Dr. Frankl’s, and that my losses were just as “big” (or “small”) as his were. All pain and all loss is total. If something is important to us, we value it and when we lose it, we grieve for that loss. We feel pain, which is what grief is.
Grief process
The “grief process,” as Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross explains it, is an emotional process where we come to grips with loss, and eventually come to acceptance of that loss.
Dr. Kubler-Ross’s grief process consists of denial, bargaining, sadness, anger and acceptance. These five stages of grief are not processed in a linear 1-2-3-4-5 formula, but in alternating steps, more like 1-3-4-2-3-4-1-2-4-5. Eventually we come to and stay in the last stage, which is acceptance of the loss.
A baby who drops his pacifier is totally in misery and pain. He cries from the depth of his soul’s loss that his grief is total, his pain is total and his life is ”˜ruined,’ because he doesn’t have his pacifier. Of course we know that his life is not ruined, he will recover, but he doesn’t know this at that time because he doesn’t have the knowledge and experience to know he will come to acceptance of his loss and recover.
Pain is proportional
When we lose something that we care about, our pain is in proportion to how much something means to us. If we drop a penny, usually we will not be devastated. We know that we will still be able to buy lunch, pay the mortgage and go on with life. But if we drop the bank deposit for our business and lose it, it is another matter entirely. Now we may not be able to make payroll and things will get very bad, so our loss is bigger and we grieve over the problems this will cause, the bigger loss.
When we are devastated by the loss of a “great love,” or by the betrayal of someone we trusted, depended on and cared for, we have suffered a great and grievous loss that rocks our world. It isn’t anything we can put a dollar value on; it is an emotional attachment that has no price. How do you quantify “love?”
When we have lost something that is of utter value to us, whether it is something that we can quantify, or whether it has no monetary value, only value of the heart, the soul, then we must realize that our grief is total. We must not compare our losses to what someone else has lost and feel that their loss is “greater,” because it isn’t greater. The pain isn’t greater. It is all TOTAL LOSS. The pain is total.
So if you start to feel that your loss is nothing compared to someone else’s loss, Stop! Realize that your loss, your pain, is your loss and pain. No one else’s is more or less.
Careful, careful…. For me, I had a choice whether I was going to feel sorry for myself, or not. Sure, it’s “normal” to become self-absorbed in my own pain, but I can end up throwing the most elaborate Pity-Party without anyone attending except myself. I realized that I was not going to force other people who do NOT have a frame of reference for sociopathy to “Get IT.” They just weren’t going to – they either couldn’t/wouldn’t believe that the exspaths had committed such evils, or they were in their own state of denial.
I’ve posted my rants, my raves, my despair, and my fears. There came a point when reading my own posts on this site became a cycle of self-pity. I still discuss my experiences, but I made the choice to literally take a pen in my hand and put that pen on a notebook page, and write out every bit of fear, loathing, self-loathing, despair, hatred, rage, and disgust. That simple act connected me to my words on a physical level. Speaking to a counseling therapist was also a choice – either I was going to admit that I didn’t have EVERY answer to my own issues and seek help from someone who did, or I wasn’t. That simple.
We have choices and options, even when it FEELS as if we don’t. “FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS.” They aren’t. I can make the choice to haul my ass out of bed and pull myself upright in spite of my experiences and do the hard work to heal myself, or I make the choice to roll around in agony and despair until my closest friends recoil from me in fear of being injured, themselves, in my emotional thrashing.
Brightest blessings…..
Dear Sebbo, it is not a question of who ended it and why, or who has the last word.
The questions are:
When do YOU reclaim YOUR power back you handed freely over to this “IT”, and remove “IT” out of your precious brain where “IT” is still with you ALL THE TIME? (you have to see it like an addiction, and this is the cold turkey-phase at the beginning, it will pass with time)
What was your soft spot this “IT” could have a hold on to seduce you in the first place?
Why did you stay even after realising who “IT” was?
I really recommend you to read the series of Kathleen Hawk. (((Hugs)))
libelle: well said. Thank you. You have helped inspire an entire day today, My Dear….
WE ARE the ones in control. Even you, Sebbo. You must have been very very good supply…I have an ex spath who is the same way as what you describe: lily padding from one to the next, going only after their own benefit and gain not caring about the wake of devastation they leave behind them. Doing so without remorse nor conscious.
I know how horrid it is to get pushed off that cliff. It has been ten years for me that I have had a constant stalker in my life. One who played me so skillfully. Upon further investigation, I found that I am only one of many in the ‘herd’. Yes, he tried to induct me into that torrid ranking but I stood my ground and refused and was finally able to break free from the ‘charms’ and the drama and the web spinning. After all those years.
What it took for me to really open my eyes was when I started getting death threats and threats of violence against myself. For no reason. My psychopath is just that: a psychopath, capable of great damage, physically, as well as emotionally. “IT” fishes online for the vulnerable and it’s usually ‘over 50 women’ who have things they have acquired over their lifetime…who are alone, vulnerable, either ill already or close to it. He swoons his way in and before you know it, he walks away with everything they have. THAT is truth and reality, My Dear.
I wasn’t such an ‘easy’ recruit….I had a moral compass that kept me on the path somewhat and it still was a nightmare and it was just like being pushed from a cliff. But, guess what? When he shoved me off that cliff, in a most inhumane way, I sprouted wings and flew right back to the edge of the cliff, from where “IT” pushed me. Much to it’s dismay and surprise.
We must empower ourselves and not fall victim to the extreme sadness they have left us. That personally questioning ourselves and our value and our worth. That was part of the weaponry they use when they don’t get their way. When they are told “NO” and put in their place. They don’t want SOME of the control, they want IT ALL and by you staying stuck inside that pain bubble, and allowing this to tear you up like it is, you are playing right into that nasty old spaths hands.
I know that what I am saying may sound very impossible for you right now but you need to cement yourself inside a very strict and stable schedule. Same time up; same time to sleep; don’t forget to eat and take care of yourself physically. Remember: without ourselves we have nothing…exercise; daylight….drink Passion Flower tea. It is natural and calms the nerves. EFT Tapping…you can google it. It shows you how to do it and why and how it helps, right on the video.
I have been quitting MY ADDICTION for the past 3 years now. I have implemented and broken NC five times. And am currently in NC permanently, whole hardheartedly. The mask came off and I finally saw what I was up against. I took it all on the chin and smiled as I walked away…chuckling to myself…that sweet, sweet, karma…oh yes, indeed….
Counseling helps. I know it’s difficult to find someone who ‘gets it’ but it’s possible. “Shop” for a counselor, wisely. Personally, I think Love Fraud has helped me more than ‘counseling’…Love Fraud is always open and always listening…not so easy to find a counselor like that; hm?
We are as entitled to this life as the next person. We can say “NO”, I am not living this. And we can allow ourselves reflection so that we can find that ‘comfortable spot’ to live in, irregardless of the hurt and pain. I found going to counseling excellent to help me on the path to healing from all of this…Love Fraud opened my eyes to the ‘enigma’ I found before me. Truly, in every sense of the word. I couldn’t believe someone had betrayed me so deeply and so intentional and so ugly. THAT used to be MY BEST FRIEND. Dr. Jekyll turned into Mr. Hyde. He almost took my life from me. AND I LET HIM. Don’t let that happen to you, Sebbo…
Stand your ground; claim your independence and your empowerment; hold your head up way high and realize you are still the same Sebbo. You were able to get the devil away from you the same as I have. My stalker just keeps coming back and coming back; never quite going away. I don’t know what the ‘draw’ is other than he wants a better shot at murdering me. He blames me for everything awful thing that has ever happened to his life, yet, you can’t be in a room with him, five minutes, and realize you are in the presence of a very ‘twisted’ person. THAT is very sad. It has also been two years worth of looking over my shoulder. I didn’t give him what he wanted: me…I spurned his attentions and his games. I figured him out and ripped the mask off exposing “IT” to the daylight….
Show you don’t care Sebbo. To them ANY kind of attention is good attention. I just took all the power away from my “IT” and now there is nothing left to squabble about. Stand tall. You are already winning. Karma is alive and breathing – trust me, it is.
Have faith. You know who you are….
Take care of yourself physically and force yourself to get out and do things you love to do. Don’t stop being you. That’s how you win.
Dupey
Dupey
I loved your comment so much that I copied it on a word document and printed and placed it next to my bed on the wall.
I will read your comment every morning when I wake up.
I would like to appologize to everyone here for seeing my “lack of progress” in getting over this issue.
Please excuse me if you think I am being rude – I am not.
I am just sayng that I am amazed by all your kind comments.
I know you want to see progress so I’m going to try and read Dupey’s every morning when I wake up and “get my brain straight” and TRY to move on in the best way I can.
I am so sorry for being a burden I really am but as you all know, this is one of the hardest things I’ve had to cope with in my life.
Thank you again
((((( May we share our heartbreak together ))))))))))
Sebbo
Sebbo: you are no burden at all, My Friend. It is a blessing having you with us. I am sorry we have to belong to the ‘same club’ but I can’t think of a better one to be in, considering the support we all have had around us here.
I am so happy you found my words inspiring and comforting.
There is no need to apologize, Sebbo. You are not rude at all. You are struggling with an ‘ugly spot’ the same as all of us have. We understand you and believe in you. I was like the PLANETS LARGEST RUMINATOR. That is what they call me…not the ‘terminator’…the ‘ruminator’…lol
Take care of yourself today, Sebbo. Be kind to yourself. You deserve it. Take reflection on the wonderful person you are.
We are always here for you…stay on the path to yourself and you will make it to the other side of the ‘ring of fire’…
xxoo
Sebbo
Its great to see that you are constructively using the
advice of Dupey. Reading their paper on the wall as you
wake up each morning is a FANTASTIC way to self healing.
Religious connotations aside, I would like to alert you to
some Buddhist teachings about the laws of attraction.
(Lesson 1) “Desire attracts Desire”
(Lesson 2) “The more you desire something – the more it alludes you”
The second lesson is most important for you to learn Sebbo.
The more you desire this sociopathic prosititute the more she
is going to ruin your life.
Take a step back and remember what Dupey has told you.
ANY CONTACT IS BAD CONTACT. ANY ATTENTION YOU GIVE HER – EVEN WHEN THE GAME IS “OVER” IS BAD CONTACT.
Therefore combine Dupey’s comment with Buddhist teaching and remember that the MORE YOU DESIRE THE OBJECT OF YOUR OBSESSION – THE MORE IT WILL ALLUDE YOU.
Dont get further into this mess!
This woman must leave your life.
And one more quote to inspire you –
“OUT OF CRISIS COMES CREATION”
Sebbo, because there are no options for italics, bold, or underlining words, please understand that my use of CAPS is not intended to be interpreted as internet screaming.
I will make this strong suggestion, Sebbo: check the words that you are using to describe yourself – your SELF. “SELF” is that part of us that is intangible and makes us each unique. SELF = SOUL.
Words like “burden,” “lack of progress,” “getting over this issue,” and other self-deprecating labels are self-defeating. Perhaps, speaking in terms of ONE thing that you can identify AS progress, today….Give it a thought and post it. What is something GOOD that you can identify about yourself and your healing, today.
Not one of us simply “gets over it” in any set frame of time. I know, for myself, I could easily find myself stuck in an endless of loop of shame and self-pity if I allowed myself to. That’s not to say that I haven’t done that! I sure as heck HAVE! So….be KIND to your SELF and identify that one “good” thing that you can identify, today.
HUGS
Dear Sebbo, you are not a burden at all. We all understand as we all have been there and have been basket cases ourselves. We are a very special club (and the initiation is comparable to the most ruthless Student’s Club… 🙁 )
Dupey’s advice is VERY good. Get routine, put yourself your top priority!
When I was at your stage (it lasted about a month or so), I felt like a broken record and the needle was constantly jumping n the same old track again (well in the good old times of vinyl, I am getting old I notice), it was just so incomprehensible, even when I had all the evidence in front of me, the word “psychopath”, the signs, symptoms, all of it.
It was so incomprehensible that I was stunned, unable to process it properly and come to terms with it, although I have papers hanging on the wall saying that I am a clever girl.
For this whole month I was calling my sister every evening (before finding Lovefraud), and I said the same things, and she said the same things, over and over and over and over and over again. I felt like an idiot. First I was sad, and then I wanted him to know how I felt. Instead of calling him I had to call first my sister EVERY time, and so I did manage NOT to call, text or contact him, but I must admit without my sister I would not have made it.
I had my job that gave me routine, but I was hardly able to work then (with cancer patients who per default are in crisis and need emotional stable staff around them; most of them realised that I was not well but did not tell me; after a month some came forward and commended me for “looking better”).
Are you working? Maybe now you will not be able to give your top-performance in the job; why not ask for a week off? Or some quieter work? If you had a flu you could stay home without any question, but a stunned heart is invisible. Fortunately for us towards “IT”, but unfortunately when we have to give our best!
Sebbo, I wish you all the best, and come here as often you like, there is always someone who will listen.
And by the way: I think you are making progress, as you do not feel anymore “rotten to the core”, but you “hate” IT. This I call HUGE progress!!! You are reclaiming your power!!! Go for it!!! (I still am not able to hate my “ITs” , after all these years 🙁 )
Sebbo,
You can’t think a conscious thought and say “OM” at the same time.
Its natural to feel the pain of a break up. Your feelings were real.
Hers are not.
The tough part is accepting the onesidedness of it and the pain that comes with losing someone.
I know its hard. But you will get through.
I highly recommend Kathleen Hawk’s series of articles on this site.
It takes a lot of energy to hurt and to heal. Where you can, channel it into learning about the experience you’ve had!
In the end, your caring will be your strength of understanding.
Thank You Oxy, Skylar, and Milo for you valuable input! As always I can count on the insight from a lot of smart people on this site, smart and compassionate!
Yes, I am powerless in this situation. My SIL is using the child to hurt me, my brother, and my Mom too! She keeps the child isolated from anybody that cares for her. SIL just got her daughter a new bike, the neighbor kid(7 year old boy) made a mean comment about the bike, always teases her, but my niece told me that he is really nice, she will share her bike with him anytime. Previously she has told me he has been mean to her, almost pushed her off the trampoline, this kid pushed his little sister off the trampoline and was grounded for a month! My sister in law favors this little boy and pushes my niece to play with him all the time. My niece has very good judgment, but SIL is targeting everything that is normal about her. Can a mother be jealous of her own daughter?
Yes Joyce, this did not have to turn out this way! But I am alone in this fight, meaning people that can put her in her place, will say nothing, do nothing. Mom will not do anything, she wants to continue living with them and help with their mortgage, brother is totally an accomplice to SIL, quite numb! I think I am more angry with my Mom & brother… Psychopaths will never have their way, if only we could all stick together. But somehow they manage to turn people against one another, destroy anything that is good, real, and genuine! Another good idea from you…”just drifting away”, not making an announcement.
Also happy to report my niece got accepted to the second/third grade program next school year, she will be in a special class with 20 other kids, I am proud of her.
Milo, I am glad you are raising your grandson, sorry for what you had to go through! The problem with SIL: she is so vicious, even if I stayed away, her goal is to ruin this normal kid, so she will keep at it… She has the energy of the devil!
Thanks Oxy, and Skylar, I am sure glad you guys are in a better place now. Thanks for your prayers and sharing your experiences on this site.