By Joyce Alexander, RNP (retired)
One of the things I have heard from victims of psychopaths here at Lovefraud, seemingly over and over, is that people compare their losses to my losses and Donna’s losses and Dr. Liane Leedom’s losses, etc. and think that their losses don’t “count” because they haven’t lost X, Y, or Z and we did. They seem to think that because I lost a child, or Liane lost her medical practice, or Donna lost a quarter of a million dollars, that they are not entitled to feel as injured as we were/are.
The people expressing this somehow seem to have “survivor’s guilt” about feeling so devastated when their losses were somehow “less.” Or they feel that we are somehow “super heroes” because we survived “big losses.”
I felt that way too when I was reading Dr. Viktor Frankl’s book, Man’s Search for Meaning. Dr. Frankl wrote the book after his years in a German Nazi concentration camp, in which he lost everything except his life, and barely retained that.
Pain is like gas
I felt that my own losses didn’t compare to Dr. Frankl’s losses, and that somehow I should feel guilty for feeling such great pain and desperation. Then I read Dr. Frankl’s explanation of how pain operates like a gas.
In science, we learn that a gas, because it has atoms that are far apart, will expand until it completely fills an empty container. It will also compress easily so that a larger amount of the gas can be put into a small container. In any case, the container is full. It is totally filled.
I realized upon reading this that my pain was just as “total” as Dr. Frankl’s, and that my losses were just as “big” (or “small”) as his were. All pain and all loss is total. If something is important to us, we value it and when we lose it, we grieve for that loss. We feel pain, which is what grief is.
Grief process
The “grief process,” as Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross explains it, is an emotional process where we come to grips with loss, and eventually come to acceptance of that loss.
Dr. Kubler-Ross’s grief process consists of denial, bargaining, sadness, anger and acceptance. These five stages of grief are not processed in a linear 1-2-3-4-5 formula, but in alternating steps, more like 1-3-4-2-3-4-1-2-4-5. Eventually we come to and stay in the last stage, which is acceptance of the loss.
A baby who drops his pacifier is totally in misery and pain. He cries from the depth of his soul’s loss that his grief is total, his pain is total and his life is ”˜ruined,’ because he doesn’t have his pacifier. Of course we know that his life is not ruined, he will recover, but he doesn’t know this at that time because he doesn’t have the knowledge and experience to know he will come to acceptance of his loss and recover.
Pain is proportional
When we lose something that we care about, our pain is in proportion to how much something means to us. If we drop a penny, usually we will not be devastated. We know that we will still be able to buy lunch, pay the mortgage and go on with life. But if we drop the bank deposit for our business and lose it, it is another matter entirely. Now we may not be able to make payroll and things will get very bad, so our loss is bigger and we grieve over the problems this will cause, the bigger loss.
When we are devastated by the loss of a “great love,” or by the betrayal of someone we trusted, depended on and cared for, we have suffered a great and grievous loss that rocks our world. It isn’t anything we can put a dollar value on; it is an emotional attachment that has no price. How do you quantify “love?”
When we have lost something that is of utter value to us, whether it is something that we can quantify, or whether it has no monetary value, only value of the heart, the soul, then we must realize that our grief is total. We must not compare our losses to what someone else has lost and feel that their loss is “greater,” because it isn’t greater. The pain isn’t greater. It is all TOTAL LOSS. The pain is total.
So if you start to feel that your loss is nothing compared to someone else’s loss, Stop! Realize that your loss, your pain, is your loss and pain. No one else’s is more or less.
slimone
Wow, Darwinsmom….
Great insight and advice to Libragirl (you go girl, back to NC…). Giving too much to the new girl (someone did this for me), will likely not have the desired effect of her cutting loose from him. And it IS good to remember that they can wear VERY different masks/personas for different people.
This happened just this way with me. Someone warned me and I went right to him. He had all the smooth answers, and I ended up defending him. And, in a way, I am glad I stuck around as long as I did. BECAUSE I FINALLY got it and woke up! Had I left prematurely I may have gone another round with some other morally bankrupt creature.
Libragirl: she got her first hint of misdirection and manipulation. Let her find her way….YOU take care of you. You are more important than she is (to YOU, and to us).
Slim
Libragirl72
Good point, and that’s what I thought. I felt I would appear like the jilted g/f so I just kept quiet. Wow, I wonder what other lies he could come up with? I know being injured in the marines is a favorite of his. He’s told a couple of mutual friends this. And, I could burst that bubble too..but, forget it. It’s about my safety now. When he gets confronted with these lies and the delusion is brought to light anger rears its ugly head from him. But, you are right. She is curious. And, I do remember being in exactly the same place. But, he is so crafty and believable and nice in the beginning, she will believe him too.
Libragirl72
Aww, thanks Slimone….yes, Darwinsmom and you send me very good advice. I truly hope I can endure NC for good now! I do wonder if when he leaves her side today he’ll text me angry messages about contacting him on his bday and the trouble I TRIED TO GET HIM INTO. I didn’t really. I just simply called to say Happy Birthday. It was his silly decision to hand the phone to the new girl…
But, I get it. I remember it. It was the phase in the relationship I remember feeling like I didn’t know enough about this guy..but, I chose to start investing anyway.
It’s funny though, here he is the disordered one..and already has a companion. I’m supposedly the normal one and I can’t even think about dating! lol Or, even where to look. This girl just fell in his lap. Things need to be tougher for him.
darwinsmom
Libragirl,
Healthy and normal people need time by themselves. That you can’t even think of it is exactly the very sign that YOU are NORMAL! It’s proof that you bond to people and need time to de-bond as well. Only those who never bond at all, or cannot enjoy some time with themselves and a good book are the unhealthy individuals… It’s a sign they need outward stimulus in order to feel alive. Normal and healthy people have a rich emotional life, and can stimulate themselves fine 🙂 Your time will come, Libra. And when it will, and you’ve come to a point where you enjoy life all by yourself again, he’ll be a much better partner – one the ex could never have been! You’ll even take pride in the fact that you don’t need anyone to be happy, knowing that since he lacks rich emotions, he’ll NEVER experience happiness!
And if he tries to contact you over the bday gift you left him… completely ignore it. Do not pick up. Do not read it. Just let him stew, and feel good and proud that you can choose for yourself. Think of the bday gift and call as a type of goodbye-forever action you took, while staying true to yourself 🙂
callmeathena
Kim, I am with you on this comment (I wish I knew how to indent!!!)
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if you point out to an N, some short-coming or mistake or critisize in any way, you will be met with a barage of venomious rage. Narsissistic rage over a percieved narcissistic injury. We injure them when we do not mirror their God like image back to them. If we find fault we are exposing them to shame: the shame that their entire false self is built around, in an effort to deny it. JMO.
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My mother was a supreme “N”. I survived my abusive childhood with bout of major depression, left the nest, went into denial for two decades. I was always kind and polite to my mother. I indulged her every self-centered whim. I ignored every lie. There were many instances of inappropriate behavior, which I ignored.
Then one day, after my spath experience, my mother wanted to see my child. She was supposed to pick him up at a friend’s. I called to double check that everything was okay, and she was driving SLURRING, STUMBLING drunk. She said her boyfriend was supposed to drive, and he had been drinking too. Completely unacceptable.
For the first time in my life, I stood up to her, and I refused to let my child go see her, I said her behavior was unacceptable, that I thought she had a drinking problem, and she should get evaluated. I didn’t scream. I was fact based.
What did she do?
First, she said that she had some medication that interfered with the alcohol. That was a lie. Then she said she was only at a “little” party. WTF??? Then, finally, she texted saying that she never wanted to hear from me ever, again. Ever. Then she sent an email saying the same thing.
I dared to challenge her vision of herself being god-like and perfect. A N-injury.
It was shame at the core, and FURY on the outside.
A relative of mine told me that my mother has always been envious of me. She is envious of me, and has shame for who she is.
Wow.
How does one survive a family of origin like THAT and not be imprinted in some way forever? Awareness seems to be my only hope.
Athena
callmeathena
Darwinsmom, Libragirl.
I completely agree that normal, balanced people have normal, rich, emotional lives.
The spath will never have that. That article earlier in this post says the spath does not have these emotions: anger, fear, guilt, depression, sympathy, jealousy, gratitude, empathy, remorse, sadness, loneliness, and reciprocal joy”“emotions that are broad, deep, and complex.
How sad for them. We have the broad range of emotions, and they’re dead, empty inside. No wonder they whore around trying to do anything to feel better. They know they don’t fit in. And they are ashamed, but too shallow really understand it. So it turns to envy. Pathetic.
Athena
Libragirl72
Yes!!!! Goodbye User! Goodbye Abuser! Goodbye Loser!
Real men don’t hit women! Real men don’t manipulate and lie in order to get what they want! Real men stand up for their g/f’s not try to tear them down. And, real men do have empathy and compassion when dealing with human nature.
Good bye forever! Just another year older (32), but you’re still the same waste of time! Not another year wiser. Not more appreciative. Still a leach on society. So, enjoy your birthday with your new girl! Next year, (if she’s still around) will be sooo different than the honeymoon phase and mask you are wearing for her at this time.
Everything material you took away from me, you could never take away what’s inside of me. And, that was the key that gave you all of those material things and money anyway. You think I was a fool? An idiot you say? See, you needed the whole package to really appreciate what you had.You didn’t have to lie and manipulate me to get what you wanted, I would have given it to you because I loved you. Period. So, who’s the real idiot?
darwinsmom
Exactly! Libra!
Libragirl72
Callmeathena,
They do not seem to feel much at all. I think it’s right on when you read the only emotion they feel is ‘anger’? Looking back, I can see the words “I love you”..and realize how empty they are now. The glib comments “Hey, gorgeous, you’re so pretty”… it’s his M.O. Same line with most girls. Sad. And, he will never understand true happiness. And, when this girl tries to obtain things like us normal girls want like respect, love, compassion, empathy, trust…he will become hostile. He will start arguments, name call, hang up, and play the same tired games he played with me..then blame me for being controlling for wanting those things.
callmeathena
Libragirl
Exactly! The new GF knows, you know. She was reaching out to you because she suspects. She will do it again because she already doesn’t trust him.
You said your ex-spath planned for her to answer the phone when you called. YES. In that article we referenced earlier, there was another line that I thought was VERY TELLING. Here it is:
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……the psychopath’s propensity to engage in planful, deliberate, and emotionless violence (Meloy, 2006); and the strong association between sadism and psychopathy (Holt, Meloy and Strack, 1999). The central motivation of the psychopath is to dominate his objects. There is no desire for affectional relating, nor reciprocal altruism. He operates from within a dominance-submission paradigm.
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Read those words again.
Planful
Deliberate
Emotionless violence
Associated with sadism
I dont’ think violence has to be physical. It’s an assault of any kind.
Girl, you’ve got BETTER THINGS TO DO!