Editor’s note: Joyce M. Short is the author of a just released book, “Carnal Abuse by Deceit.” The book chronicles her life with a predator, the subsequent aftermath and her road to recovery. It also provides advice for victims and their supporters, and discusses the issues surrounding criminalization of rape-by-fraud. Joyce lives in New York City, where she’s a real estate broker, professional tennis instructor and a strong advocate for her community.
By Joyce M. Short
Does Love Potion #9 Really Exist?
The hit record written by Leiber & Stoller back in 1959, Love Potion #9, was originally recorded by The Clovers and published by the Aberbach brothers who owned Hill & Range Songs Inc. It’s been covered by over twenty five other artists since its original release. Although it’s a spoof on a chemical concoction that makes people fall in love, it’s not so far from the truth.
Romantic love has recently been shown to be a chemical addiction, similar to drugs and alcohol, but, when all goes well, it supports life instead of diminishing it. The chief chemical component in romantic love is oxytocin, a neurotransmitter produced in the brain that creates a sense of trust and cleaves us to our love interests. When we are betrayed, although we may feel abused and defiled, we can continue clinging to the offender because of our need to replace that “loved” feeling. The immediate cessation of the chemicals we recognize as love, may cause us to long for the treacherous offender just like an alcoholic craves a drink.
“No Contact” is all about getting rid of the desire and longing that comes with separation. The victim must be able to gain perspective that enables them to see the forest, not just the trees. The bigger picture, the moral deprivation of the betraying party, is far too important to allow ourselves to camouflage their actions by attributing good feelings to them. It is too easy for a predator to misuse our brain chemistry to wangle their way back into our lives.
Interestingly, the Aberbach fortune existed in the backdrop of the harm I was dealt. They owned a 50% share of Elvis Presley, 10% of the Beatles, and 75% of the music coming out of Nashville. My ex was harbored by an Aberbach widow as he abandoned my child and defrauded me of child support. The irony of oxytocin being akin to Love Potion #9 is particularly poignant for me.
Joyce
A quick story (lol none of these stories for us our quick)
I met this woman in 2004, she told me she had been in the army and went awol, but turned herself in and was discharged, that was a lie, she still had a warrant out as I found out in late dec 04.
She spent a month in fort knox Kentucky with the awol people and got an administrative discharge, I picked her up.
While in there I had her car/cellphone/bank card +pin code, I could have robbed her blind as she had well over 1k dollars in the bank, ran up her cell phone bill and ran the wheels off her car, I payed the car insurance, rarely used the phone, and only took out money she authorized and kept a written record with receipts.
On the way back from for knox we got a hotel, it was in that hotel where she said “please never leave me” to which I assured her I was here for the long haul. Its now 2013 and she has broke up with me probly 9 times or so. I wonder sometimes does she do this because of feeling abandonment from family? To do it before she thinks I will? Maybe that’s why occasionally there is some guy in the background on a hook cause its her backup plan incase I leave??
In 2007 she slapped a protection order on me claiming I broke her ribs, (I was not charged with anything, the police found no wrong doing) I read her medical documents they had no proof of rib injury at all, she refused to allow me or my parents access to my son for 2 and 1/2 months, she started dating an old high school sweetheart, after the 2 and 1/2 months she called me out of the blue asking to talk, she wanted me back however ran a guilt trip on me at the same time claiming I had hurt her and she had to go to battered womens classes, I met her at a library and she showed me a pie graph from this class for signs of abuse to which I pointed out half the graph she had done to me. She was quite angry but could not lash out in the library.
How do you convince a person like this that you love them and mean no harm and don’t want to leave??? If at all possible.
you don’t,
YOU
L.E.A.V.E.
and let her think, say, slander, YELL
what ever the F she wants to
you don’t care a fig wat she says
You Leave. Make her worst nitemare come true…she’s done it all to herself. you deserve OUT.
I know your right aintgonna, its just hard, as I had a failed family once before, while I was locked up my fiancé left me right after my daughter was born, I vowed if I had another family I wouldn’t let that happen again, but only so much I can do if the other person is determined not to do anything to help make it work.
The pain of all the things done to me, the betrayal, constantly telling me I don’t care about her or the kids, yet she kicks me out like it doesn’t even bother her and im the one that suffers the anger/rage, depression/sadness, lonliness. Everytime this happens I have problems eating cause I lose my appetite and wind up losing weight, she has seen this physically everytime I move back in she notices I dropped 15-20 pounds. You cant fake that, she knows how much this hurts me.
I cant stand the mixed feelings, I want to hold her so bad I cant stand it, then the next minute I want to throw her through a window and tell her to take a hike, (sry ladies I don’t mean I would literally do that, I don’t hit women) but you get the point, ive seen some of you on here express your rage and want to choke the guy, trust me I feel the same. It always never made since to me how people can have a lousy family life/childhood, grow up and go have their own family and just ruin it every chance they get instead of finally enjoying a happy home. I hate drama and confrontations, but I will admit, I have done some things in that house im not proud of when she pushes my buttons, she knows she has control of my emotions as well, nobody in my life has ever gotten me so angry that ive punched a hole in a door, or put a hole in the wall with a coffee cup (kids were not there) they push you so far that you lose all self control, and I hate to admit this around a bunch of women but at times I was scared I just might hit her so I would hit something else instead to get it out of me, then I would go out in the garage and smoke and talk to someone on the phone so I could vent.
At one point I noticed though, I stopped letting her do that to me for several months, I would calmly defend myself for a couple mins then walk away to the garage and I noticed it made her even madder, she would follow me out there trying her damndest to get me in a rage.
As for me hitting anything, there is no excuse for that, im a grown man and I should have been able to control that or just walk off when I fealt it coming on, but after years of the abuse, I just had so much resentment built up that it didn’t take much from her to set me off.
I also love how she claims since shes a woman and smaller than me that anytime she lays hands on me its “not violence cause im not capable of hurting you cause your bigger n stronger” WTF???? I just want to punch myself right now.
this is not a failed family.
this a failed person, due to their disordered personality.
its not a failed marriage even, it’s her.
not to say u don’t have issues, we all do and can use work on ourselves. but she’s very spath from u’ve said.
YOU CAN’T FIX THIS.
Dave-
Your messages made it really clear that your relationship with your wife is very stressful. It’s unfortunate that technology can only reach so far to help you sort things out and it seems that there have been some problems of violence in your attempts. No one, especially your children, should have to endure violence or the threat of violence in their home.
My best advice to you is to seek professional counseling and stay as physically far away from her as you can. You’ll need to find one who has experience with sociopathic personality types so they can relate to what you’re experiencing. Unfortunately, when relationships become violent, it is virtually impossible for law enforcement to act as Solomon. All they are capable of doing is separating the parties by carting one of you off to jail. What is the likelihood it will be the woman, not the man?
You have small children whose emotional development is in your hands. Get your life back together and stop going back to an untenable situation. Her ability to love you, regardless what you hope, and what she professes (on a good day,) does not exist. You need to grieve that loss and move on.
JmS
stressful is an understatement.
Even when things are going good and everyone is happy, im stressing cause im wondering how soon the next blow up will be and what about.
I cannot believe she had the nerve to email me saying its all my fault and talk about all the effort she has put in while I don’t, and how I just keep expecting more and more from her (she literally described what shes doing to me) She quit responding to me when I said “if I wasn’t doing anything then why are you in so much crap right now with the business and your day job and having to have friends and family help you out”?
Ya know I would think her family would pick up on this, and say “well if he wasn’t doing anything like she said then why does she need so much help when hes gone”?
Course she probly has them wrapped around her finger feeling sorry for her and thinking im a jerk.
I know your right JmS, her actions have proven so for almost 10 years, but its only been about a month since the splitup, so im still in the first stages, hell im scared if she tries to make up I may go back and repeat this again.
no, ur not. repeat that 2 urself. going back to HELL is not an option.
repeat it.
over and over.
ur not going back, not an option.
get that mindset. u are worth more than this. everyone is worth more than to be abused.
Dave, give it some time. It takes a little time for some of the bonding feelings to wear off, and then you can see things more clearly.
When you take a much-needed break, going no-contact completely, your energy will eventually shift and you will start to feel a little better. The thoughts of all the pain and drama of constantly being scapegoated and thrown out of the house will bring you down, and you will not want to go there. Use the time to focus totally on yourself, processing your feelings, and healing. Don’t worry about what she is doing. She will do what she is going to do regardless. Pull back your energy for yourself.
Don’t be afraid to give no-contact a LOT of time. Many people are afraid to go no-contact because they are still hanging onto whatever hope they have. They fear that if they stay away long enough, they will lose their last chance for love. This is not true. Taking time to heal will actually bring more love into your life. I sense that you would make a fabulous partner for someone who can really appreciate you.
Once the addiction is broken, you can go back and reevaluate your 10-year relationship with her and see if she is the one you really want. I’m guessing no. But I’m also guessing she will try to pull you back because she wants to control you. It will be YOUR choice. Right now you don’t have a choice because of your addiction. So you must break the addiction! Please give yourself this gift – you are worth it! Personally, I would never stay with a guy who threw me out of the house even once.
TY Star,
My stepmother said the same, that if my dad kicked her out she might go back once but after that she would divorce him, they fight like teenagers lol, but they have never split up or kicked each out in 22 years of marriage.
Every year around summer she threatens to kick me out but it blows over so I don’t leave, just go camp out on the couch for a few days, but come holiday time she means it, been like this for years.
I have to call to talk to the kids, or email to set up times to come get them, but I can only get them maybe once a month, (100 mile trip one way) She treats me as I ought to be treating her, I call to talk to kids she picks up phone and wont even say hello, just hands it to them, course that’s better than arguing.
she even said in last email “As hard as it will be for me to be comfortable w any man again, at least I can plan for a future instead of spending all my efforts trying to fix ours. A relationship shouldn’t be this hard and stressful. Its never easy but ours is just wrong. The only thing we can get right(in my eyes) is in the bedroom, that will not build a strong relationship nor a happy family. ”
This disgust me to no end that she said this, the only effort she puts in is for herself, and to initiate more control of my life while telling me nothing I do is good enough and she cant give no more.
one minute im sad, the next im angry, then I feel that empty feeling, then repeat.
I wish she would have left me alone all those years ago when we were split up for 3 months and she dated that other guy, it still hurt but I was finally coming to terms with the fact it was over and I needed to move on, no contact the whole time, then boom one night the phone rings, and within 10 days I was living there again. And we all know why, obviously there was something about him that didn’t fit the plan so I was the backup, had he fit what she was looking for I believe they would be together probly today. But he was dishing out too much money to his soon to be ex wife, and she called him too much wanting things, and found out he couldn’t have anymore kids and mine wanted another one, ironically just a few months after I moved back in she turned up pregnant and conveniently forgot to take her pill (yeah right)
Okay Dave, here is the tough love version. Are you ready? This is meant in the most caring way possible.
So she left you for 3 months to be with another guy and then you took her back? She kicks you out every year and you come back? And you are still willing to take her back if she calls? Because your behaviors are dependent on what she does? This does not make you a noble martyr. It makes you a guy who doesn’t respect himself.
If you reread your posts, your language is one of a helpless victim. “I wish she would have left me alone all those years ago….” Instead, here is the empowered version: “I wish I never took her back all those years ago.”
Helpless victim version: “One night the phone rings, and within 10 days I was living there again. And we all know why, obviously there was something about him that didn’t fit the plan so I was the backup…” [Empowered version: The reason why is because you took her back. It was your choice to move back.]
Dave, where is your resolve, your backbone? You need to find your self-respect BEFORE you find another relationship. If you don’t respect yourself, another woman is not going to respect you, no matter how nice, kind, and generous you are. Being a doormat is not an attractive quality in a man. I mean, for me personally, yes, I want a man who is kind, generous caring. And I’d love for him to cook for me. But I don’t want someone who will let me walk all over him. I want someone who will stand up to me when necessary.
Yes, it’s hard breaking an addiction. But it’s YOUR choice, not hers. Your decisions are not dependent on what she does. If you can’t stop the craziness, you will still be here 10 years from now talking about all the things your wife of 20 years has done to you. We are here to support you to go no-contact. But if you keep going back and forth and then complaining about all the things she does to you, then obviously you have other motives besides breaking the addiction to her.
I know it’s hard, but you have two feet. Take a walk and don’t look back. Just do it. Only you can end the craziness. You can’t count on her to do it. What if she never leaves you alone? Then what?
TY all for the words.
Star, no worries, sometimes I need a swift kick in the arse and told how it is. Sucks there is nothing that can be done, even if she got help I doubt it would work , probly only anger her more then resent me for suggesting she go. Im getting the narcissist silent treatment right now (its a form of punishment by them) I have gotten off my chest what I wanted too, so I will no longer speak to her about these things (which will bother her at some point and she will attempt contact, I will just have to ignore it) other than that I will call few times a week to talk to kids, if she starts anything on phone I will hang up, and only email to have dates set in stone for me picking up kids, I may even ask if we can have a neutral party get them from her house and meet me down the road or something.
This gonna be a long haul.
Dear Dave,
Taken from http://www.esteemology.com.
Having standards means not settling for less ”“ from yourself or from anyone else. It means setting the bar high and having preexisting expectations right out of the gate. When you have preexisting expectations it’s a lot easier to spot a Narcissist, or someone that means to do you harm early on, before you get emotionally attached.
Narcissists and other dysfunctional types seem to have an innate ability to erode the expectations of their partners. Sometimes it’s blatant and obvious, but often it’s slow and subtle, so much so, that we don’t realize that it’s even happening.
Whether or not this erosion happens, is based on our reactions to our partner’s bad behavior. If we are the type that takes responsibility for other people, makes excuses, rationalizes, or minimizes, then you are sending a message to your partner, that you are accepting of poor treatment. When bad behavior goes unchecked, I can guarantee you that it is going to happen again and again.
It’s a man’s prerogative to behave badly. There is nothing anyone can do to change that. But it’s your responsibility to make the choice of whether or not you will put up with it. This is an important component to your own mental health, because if you allow someone to mistreat you, then the price you pay is always your self-esteem.
The difficulty in new relationships is that during the get to know you phase most men are on their best behavior. It’s not until a Narcissist knows he’s got you, that he’s going to pull the old bait and switch. It’s your job to recognize poor treatment and react ”“ no matter what stage of the relationship you’re in. Like I said if you let it go unchecked it will continue and even get worse. So when you are faced with disrespect you must react. I’m not talking about a screaming match, or some big drama. I’m talking about calming stating this behavior is unacceptable and I’m going to leave.
If it happens once, maybe even twice fine, men are always testing boundaries, but if you’re on your tenth chance, you’ve got to recognize that this situation is dysfunctional and you have to extricate yourself from the relationship.
You have to look at your situation logically and without emotion. If someone is treating you badly and you voice your displeasure, what’s the worst thing that can happen? You will gage all you need to know by their reaction to your reaction:
•If they get even more mad at you, or even blame you ”“ leave.
•If they break up with you for speaking up for yourself ”“ I’d say you dodged a bullet. You don’t want anyone that isn’t interested in how you’re feeling or your boundaries.
•If they say they’re sorry, but continue to do it again and again ”“ leave.
The only reaction that you can accept is an apology, followed by not doing it again. Period.
A big part of this problem is that women with low self-esteem generally have a hard time speaking up for themselves. They’re avoiders and will do whatever they can to avoid confrontation. For a Narcissist this is the perfect target.
Low self-esteem and low standards generally go hand in hand. People that have a healthy self-esteem and a high level of confidence take care of themselves and when they find themselves in a relationship that has become unhealthy, they just end it. They don’t sit around pining about it or second guessing themselves.
I work in a male dominated industry and most of my colleagues are men, that have a tremendous amount of confidence. They’re driven, take good care of themselves and have high self-esteem. I hear them on a daily basis talking about their relationships and I’m amazed at the ease at which they can just end a relationship when a girl starts to act ’psycho’. They all have high standards and if a girl they are dating starts to show signs of being dysfunctional, they are not living in uncertaintyville or dispairville, they jump on the next train and start looking again immediately. They don’t internalize the problems of others. They look at the situation without emotion and logically come to the conclusion that this isn’t for them and they’re done just like that, with no drama, no flare and no afterthought.
When you don’t expect much and you settle for less ”“ that’s exactly what you’ll get. Great results come from great expectations. When are you going to raise yours? When is enough, enough? Only you know when you’ve reached your limit. But remember it’s your choice ”“ it always was.
Don’t be afraid to set the bar high. You may find that you don’t have as many dates, but the ones that are willing to attempt the jump are usually the ones that are worth it.
nice article sick,
I have a female friend of mine that knows the situation and she told me several years ago “you will leave when you have had enough, you haven’t had enough yet”
Anytime I was close to leaving and she knew it was more than me simply threatning it during a fight, her attitude would change. I don’t know if its abandonment issues on her part, or if it simply was not convenient at the time for me to be gone, but when she wants me out, there is no talking her down, she wants me out right then and will make my life hell until I leave.
I have soaked in a lot of useful info in the last 3 weeks that I had no clue about, and a lot of it is thanks to you all on here.