A couple of months ago I was contacted by Caitlin Dickson, a reporter for the Daily Beast blog (the online presence of Newsweek magazine). She was writing an article about the book Confessions of a Sociopath, by M.E. Thomas. She asked me what I thought of the book. I explained that I refused to buy it so I hadn’t read it, although I did read Thomas’ article in Psychology Today (which was online). Here’s my previous post about the book:
Confessions of a Sociopath: a book I don’t want to buy or read
I talked to Dickson about the millions of sociopaths who live among us, and how destructive they are. I explained Lovefraud’s work in helping people recognize, avoid or escape them. I recommended that she call Dr. Liane Leedom for an authoritative explanation of this complex personality disorder.
Dickson was not interested in my information, and included none of it in the story she wrote. She didn’t bother calling Dr. Leedom. Instead, this cub reporter (graduated from journalism school in 2010) wrote an article that struck me as being sympathetic to sociopaths. Read:
How to spot a sociopath (Hint: It could be you), on thedailybeast.com.
Point by point critique
Here are some points of the article, along with my comments
“Sociopathy is not simply a disorder of serial killers but one that exists on a spectrum, plaguing to varying degrees a large portion of successful, apparently well-adjusted people.”
Yes, sociopathy is not just for serial killers and it does exist on a spectrum. But “a large portion of successful, apparently well-adjusted people” are not sociopaths. Experts estimate that sociopaths make up 1% to 4% of the population—that doesn’t qualify as a “large portion.”
Of this small slice, many sociopaths are obvious criminals and substance abusers, and many more can’t seem to hold their lives together. Still, there probably are millions of sociopaths who do appear well-adjusted to everyone but their spouses. And the people who work most closely with them know that their success is built on bullying, intimidation and playing loose with the rules.
“Psychopathy, more or less, is the clinical term for sociopathy, and the two are often used interchangeably.”
Psychopathy is not a clinical term; it is the term that researchers use. Clinicians call it “antisocial personality disorder.”
“A September 2012 study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology ranked U.S. presidents in order of their possession of a psychopathic trait called ‘fearless dominance.'”
“Fearless dominance” is not universally accepted as a trait of psychopathy. However, I can understand how Dickson could have been influenced by the idea, because several scientific papers have been published about the concept. In fact, it was the subject of a heated debate at the Society for the Scientific Study of Psychopathy conference that I attended in June.
One side argued that fearless dominance is part of psychopathy and is linked to success. The other side argued that fearless dominance is not a valid concept and reminded the group that there is nothing good about the psychopathic personality disorder. In my opinion, the researcher speaking against fearless dominance had a much stronger argument and won the debate hands down.
“In 1980, criminal psychologist Robert Hare developed the Psychopathy Checklist-Revised (PCL-R).”
The PCL-R was released in 1991.
“Thomas isn’t an actual killer—and she and other researchers emphasize that most sociopaths aren’t killers either. Instead, Thomas says her favorite preferred sociopathic pastime is ‘ruining people.’”
Dickson never says or implies that there’s anything wrong with “ruining people.” In fact, the article does not even hint at the true destruction that sociopaths cause.
“(John Edens, a psychology professor at Texas A&M) argues that ‘saying someone is a psychopath or not is drawing a bit of an arbitrary line in the sand,’ suggesting that all people likely possess a certain amount of sociopathic traits, some just more pronounced than others.”
This is an incredible oversimplification of two distinct concepts. First of all, Edens is right. Psychopathy syndrome a group of related traits. It is also a continuum individuals can have each of the traits to a different degree. The point at which someone qualifies to be “a psychopath” usually the cut score of 30 out of 40 on the PCL-R is somewhat arbitrary.
Secondly, although non-disordered people may have sociopathic traits, they score exceptionally low perhaps under 5 on the PCL-R. The behavior of people who score 5 or less is nothing like the exploitative behavior of those who score over 30.
“There’s virtually no known treatment for ruthless, manipulative, law-abiding citizens who lack empathy. And, really, should there be? These are traits that are often attributed to success.”
Here’s where Caitlin Dickson shows how clueless she really is. Let me be blunt: Sociopaths are evil. Sociopaths view the world as predators and prey they are the predators, and everyone else is prey. Even those who appear to be successful leave a wake of destruction: ruined lives, abused children, financial wrongdoing and corporate collapse. Sociopaths are not ruthless and manipulative in business only that’s also how they treat their spouses and kids. The human toll for this “success” is unbelievably steep, so it is a crying shame that there is no treatment for this disorder.
“In lieu of therapy, Thomas has discovered some alternatives to treatment. For one, she credits Mormonism, specifically its doctrine that anyone can change and its required social engagements, with keeping her on track.”
Sociopaths are not religious. They join churches to find easy prey. I wonder how many people Thomas targeted at the church? And if Thomas considers herself to be on track while ruining people for fun, what would she be like while “off track”?
“Sociopaths are mostly ‘problematic in terms of the stress they cause other people.’”
Stress? Stress is being late for work. Sociopaths are so abusive that many of their targets —including 21% of romantic partners consider suicide. Some, tragically, go through with it, a phenomenon I’ve heard called “murder by suicide.”
“Said Lauren (friend of M.E. Thomas), ‘Her ultimate goal is to be out as a sociopath, accepted by society and not vilified.’”
M.E. Thomas wants to be accepted and not vilified, even though her favorite pastime is ruining people?
Keep in mind that sociopaths are not delusional they always know exactly what they are doing. So when they engage in exploitative behavior, it is by their own choice. They can refrain from exploiting people. They do it all the time in the beginning of relationships, romantic or otherwise. They’re fun, helpful, caring, attentive until the person is hooked. Then the knives come out.
Sociopaths are vilified for their behavior, which they freely choose. Society should do a better job of not accepting them, and holding them accountable for their actions.
“With regard to whether Thomas could legally be fired for coming clean, employment attorney Jessica Kastin explained that Thomas would probably have a very hard time making the case that she was being discriminated against because of her disorder.”
Sociopaths make lousy employees. They lie, cheat, back stab, steal from the company, swindle customers and create a hostile working environment. Is Dickson really suggesting that employers should not be allowed to get rid of them?
Skipping over the abuse
What really bothered me about this article is how the reporter failed to acknowledge, in fact, minimized, the harm sociopaths inflict on others. Sociopaths abuse people physically, emotionally, psychologically, sexually and/or financially. They are social predators. One researcher estimates that national cost of psychopathy is $460 billion per year. Hello? I’d say that’s a problem.
So why would Dickson write an article that was essentially sympathetic to M.E. Thomas and other sociopaths? I’d guess that Dickson is one of those lucky people who never had a run-in with a sociopath (so far). She may still believe that all people are basically good, and all people just want to be loved. She doesn’t understand that there are people in the world who are intrinsically abusive.
I was like that when I was a young journalist. Then I married a sociopath.
It also seems to me that when Dickson interviewed Thomas, the sociopath presented herself as a woman who was simply misunderstood, and was doing her best to cope with her disorder. Dickson didn’t understand how good sociopaths are at playing the victim, so she bought the story.
“I am naturally manipulative,” Thomas told Dickson. Guess what. Dickson was manipulated.
Uninformed editors
I can understand this young reporter not fully grasping the topic she was dealing with as I said, I’ve been there. I remember some of the magazine articles I wrote when I was her age, and I now grimace at how naive they were. So my question is, where were her editors?
The Daily Beast is a sophisticated publication, edited by Tina Brown former editor of Vanity Fair and The New Yorker. It claims to be dedicated to “breaking news and sharp commentary.”
So either the Daily Beast editors don’t understand this personality disorder which is likely, because most people in the media, like the general population, don’t get it. Or, the Daily Beast is so intrigued by “sharp commentary” that they’re willing to say that sociopaths aren’t all that bad.
What’s scary is that the Daily Beast gets 18 million unique online visitors a month. So millions of people may have read this article and come away with the impression that sociopaths are just misunderstood people who play manipulative games not that these people can ruin their lives.
This article is truly a disservice to all Daily Beast readers. But hey, at least it conveyed the point that sociopaths aren’t all serial killers.
My sociopathic “father” died Monday. I went NC with him a couple of years ago, when I was 58 years old and he was 85. He was seemingly healthy at the time…I hadn’t seen him in a few years…we lived 5 miles apart…he had a long time girlfriend, who I’ve known since 1975…(he hooked up with her 5 months after my mother died)…the NC was “unofficial”–I just sort of faded away…he never called, nor did the girlfriend…so time passed…Tuesday morning my sister (lives hundreds of miles away and also an unofficial NC) called a friend of mine and asked him to tell me our dad had died the day before, that the girlfriend had called her.
My dad did not want anyone to tell me (or anyone else) that he was sick, that he was dying, and specifically not to tell me he’d died. (there is no obit or notice of death, despite the fact he was fairly well known and pretty powerful back in the day) Why was I to not know he was dying, dead, buried? My dad has long played the “Gotcha Game” and his favorite “Gotchas” were when he could tell someone the person they were inquiring after was “dead”–this delivered with hard, flat affect while staring you in face, his face expressionless. Depending on your response, and his mood, he’d then go after you…either to manipulate you into admitting you were a hypocrite (“if you didn’t know so-and-so was dead, then you really didn’t care about them so why bother asking? just admit you don’t really give a damn.”) or to not even answer the question and just attack you anyway…(“knowledge is power”–one of his guiding axioms–if he thought you wanted information from him, let the games begin! Lies, attacks, scoffing, etc etc)… He especially liked waiting, biding his time for when I inevitably asked about a great-aunt or other relative…(Real life example, one of many: “how’s Aunt Louise?” “Dead.”)
If you asked why he didn’t tell you, that you’d have gone to the funeral, sent flowers, a card, something? The answer was always… “I didn’t want to upset you.” That answer was, of course, a lie. He hoarded the information to use it for maximum benefit—HIS maximum benefit…this would be accompanied by an attack as described above…so what you’re getting is a “father” who professes to care so much about your feelings he couldn’t bear to take a chance you could be upset, while attacking you at the same time for being a hypocrite…oh, and wanting to send flowers, etc? Per my “father” that was to “pretend you cared, so other people would think you cared, when we know you really didn’t” thus even somehow, by not telling you someone had passed, he was going to spare your delicate feelings and prevent you from a public display of your hypocrisy, somehow making himself out, in all that mess, to be a “great guy.”
The absence of his kids at funerals was always explained away as…”oh, they’re busy, you know how it is, they’ve got their own lives…” when in reality we had no idea about anything…
The game extended to the deaths of both my paternal and maternal grandfathers. He did not tell me or my sisters they had passed away…I found out both times by sheer accident, and boy was “father” pissed…great ammo there, 2 grandfathers, I imagine he was salivating thinking about the “gotchas” he was going to get…
So..he’s dead and he set up the biggest GOTCHA of them all…I was not to be told he was dead…I called the girlfriend after I found out…she said, “you never called him. You didn’t give a damn!” and “he didn’t want to worry you, he knew you’d be upset” and more.
Thing is, “father” was gambling on one thing: that I would feel first shock, then great guilt and remorse, that I would suffer…the reality is my reaction to hearing of his death was, “Well, he can’t hurt anyone else.”
The other reality is I hung in there with my “father” for 58 painful years…for most of those years I did “care”–a lot. I thought if I tried hard enough he’d stop the digs, the sneers, the lies, the more blatant sadism…that he’d see me as a fellow human being…I figured out he didn’t see anyone as worthy, or valuable, and that he had no love for anyone, but I still hoped he’d find me worthy of some respect at least…he never did.
There’s a graveside service tomorrow…I won’t be there, nor will my sisters or anyone else not related to the girlfriend. It’s over…including the will…he told me (in a fit of glee) that he took me out of his will years ago…so…one less sociopath…he caused a huge amount of damage while he was on this planet…some old timers might remember me under my old name here…I posted as California mom…might remember some old posts about my “father”, might remember my ex took a shotgun and blew his brains out almost 3 years ago…blamed me for what he was about to do in a 4 page letter, said my going NC with him was the reason he was going to kill himself. I’m not really over that, and now, another “death as weapon to hurt you”—this time my “father.”
I’ve been crying off and on, not at the loss of my “father” but because this man, my dad, who I knew for 60 years, with his last conscious acts and wishes, wanted to hurt me. As did my ex…I cry sometimes because evil exists, we can’t stop it, and if we try and distance ourselves from it we can, at times, be slammed with it even worse through the deaths of these people…sorry I’m not explaining this well…it’s the malice, the “don’t tell Mandie, I’m sick/dying or that I died…I don’t want to upset her…” A big fat lie, until the very end.
Mandie, I’m so sorry for your loss…
I believe that our parents teach us both how to be and how NOT to be. It sounds like from your father you certainly learnt well how not to be.
Please consider going to the funeral…for yourself….to say goodbye and to acknowledge his role in you having to learn some really difficult and painful life lessons.
Clutch at YOUR truth, hold your head high and do what you need to do so you can move forward in your healing and in your life’s journey.
I will light a candle and think of you tonight!!! Sending you much love and condolences.
Wow Mandie that is too much guilt for one person to carry. At this stage of your life you need to find some peace. Regarding your fathers death- I would be relieved. Relieved that there will be no more mental harassment from him. When my dad died I reluctantly went to the funeral. I sat there for three day and looked at his dead body. Not once was i moved to tears. When it was time to say a final goodbye my siblings and I went to the coffin to say our last good-byes. I remember thinking “what would my dad say to me if I was in the coffin?” He would probably say “He’s not dead, he’s just lazy” lol. My stepmother inherited everything, but she earned it. He was a real SOB. Regarding your ex’s suicide – He was in control of his life and it was his decision to pull the trigger, not yours. Hope you feel better soon.
I felt shivers of recognition when I read your descriptions of your npd father’s behaviors.
My mother had that need to seek revenge, too, and she made sure she had the last “gotcha” by leaving something for me to find and read after her death: her therapy journal. My mother was formally diagnosed with borderline pd, but I personally think she had other, co-morbid mental illnesses as well; I can never know for sure, now, but I believe she had at least some traits of psychopathy.
Mother wrote in her journal that she had never even liked me, not at any point in my life. She had actually shared with me in person 30 years ago, back when I was in my 30’s, that she believed that I had rejected her and hated her as a mother when I was an infant. But in my craving to believe that she loved me, I apparently went into denial and made myself believe that she had “gotten over” that misperception of me when I got older; I needed to believe that we had a good, loving mother-daughter relationship.
Well, I was wrong, again. She fooled me. She’d *never* loved me: “Gotcha!”
My subconscious recognized the fact that I was not loved; I was painfully aware that mother found me disappointing, she was always easily irritated by me, always blamed me and accused me of things I didn’t do, accused me of lying to her, never took my side and blamed me if I was having a problem with another person, subjected me to nearly constant criticism, seemed to take pleasure in making me cry, seemed to latch onto any excuse to punish me, and I’m talking physical punishments such as being hit with dad’s belt, as well as name-calling, shaming and belittling emotional abuse. But my conscious mind couldn’t accept what all those negative words and behaviors directed at me over decades actually meant: my own mother hated and resented me, but she expressed it covertly. When we were around other people, she was like a different person: loving, doting, bragging, Perfect Mom.
So, I can totally empathize with your ambivalent feelings about attending your npd father’s funeral. It took me a while to decide whether I would attend my mother’s memorial service or not, but in the end I decided to go because my Sister wanted me to, and I wanted to be there for my Sister.
I believe I had already done my grieving and mourning three years before mother died, when I decided to go totally No Contact with her. It had gotten to the point where I was so stressed out just hearing my mother’s voice on the phone that I’d react with alarming symptoms (severe headache+dizziness+nausea.) I had to go NC for the sake of my own physical health.
It still kind of amazes me that I tried for so long to have a relationship with my mother and remained so stubbornly blind to how she really felt about me. The human psyche is a labyrinthine and mysterious thing.
Whatever you decide to do, whether you choose to attend the funeral or not, it will be a deeply personal decision for you; only you can know what will give you the best chance at peace and healing.
My best wishes to you. May we all heal.
It’s always hard to lose a parent, no matter how horrible they were. It’s not just the loss of their presence, it’s the loss of any possibility of ever mending that fence or receiving validation for your feelings from them.
Only morally disordered folks are incapable of love. On the basis that you are a morally intact person, you should be assured that you indeed, despite your intent to keep yourself safe from his wrongdoing by separating, actually loved your father. So I am offering this advise to the loving child that you were and always will be in your heart.
You will grieve your father’s death. You won’t miss his physical presence; that association with him died long ago. But the love we have for family is unconditional. Your father was not capable of unconditional love, but you are. And as your last act of unconditional love for your father, it could serve you well to be at his funeral.
You may go there and feel you are wasting your time, but do you have something more important to do on the day your father is buried than be there for the man who was unable to appreciate you while he lived? What more fitting way to put an end to the agony of your journey with him than to be there, despite what you know he would say or do. Forgiving him is your power.
My heartfelt condolences on the passing of your father. It is sad that you were unable to mend your fences in his lifetime. You will know your were the very best child to him that you could possibly have been by attending his funeral, and that fact will give you peace and help you as you grieve.
My best-
Jms
Words of wisdom!!!
Here’s one more concept I think is worth noting about dealing with morally disordered folks. It might help victims see how they get caught up in the bewildering cycle.
It’s the basis of gas-lighting:
We are all capable of “adaptive” behavior. This basically means that the good lord made us capable of defending ourselves. If a predator broke into your house, and came after you, you might grab the knife on the kitchen counter to protect yourself. If you stabbed the intruder, would that mean you’re a psychopath? Of course not; you were adapting to the situation.
When someone attacks you emotionally, you might lash out to defend yourself. Does that make you a psychopath? Of course not. But as a morally intact person, you could feel the twangs of conscience over your response and as the adrenalin that drove your reaction fades, you could feel guilt over what you said or did. A psychopath can and will use your pangs of conscience to defame you and make you doubt yourself.
So the reporter was correct that all people may behave with psychopathic tendencies. What she didn’t get was that a psychopath will intend malicious behavior while a moral person will use those tactics as protection and feel great remorse for having done so.
Interestingly, I was a head hunter for many years. One day, I was reading the Sunday Times and a young man’s face appeared on the front page. I was shocked when I saw him because I had placed him in a job with a financial institution a few days previously.
This occurred back in the day when brokerage firms gave polygraphs to all new employees, and he had sailed through the polygraph test with no problem. One of the first questions on the test was “have you ever committed a crime?”
A few weeks prior to taking the test, he had stoned a little girl to death on Staten Island.
The person who hired him and I were baffled, and we inquired why he had been able to pass the polygraph. We learned that if he had a conscience, he probably would not have, but because he didn’t, nothing registered as out of the ordinary when he had responded, “no.”
Ultimately, the use of polygraphs were banned. They were considered an invasion of privacy. But I already knew they were totally useless. They would never deter you from hiring the person you truly would not want to hire.
Jms.
bluejay – yes, it’s been a long time. thank you so much.
jm short – i am working with a psychiatrist who uses neurofeedback to treat PTSD – and i will bring the machine home this weekend and have a couple of sessions. I am still trying to find someone for talk therapy. i have reached out to mental health services here, and am waiting to see if they can connect me with a case worker who can help with a few things.
i need to deal with my physical health issues as they are pressing, and this takes a lot. and will take a lot of money. but i guess i do have to give in to the idea that i need to spend some $ on my mental health – i am so used to trying to find free (aka affordable) services. I am seeing an oncology psychiatrist – but only once a month and he is trying to help me through the medical mire. i do not have cancer, but that is what i was diagnosed with last year, and went through many months with a cancer suspected fatal ‘diagnosis’ until they proved it was something else. i still have a lot of stuff to work through in regards to this experience (mostly the trauma created by the doctors).
anyways – thanks. i think i need to find someone i can pay to see – then maybe i’ll get some quality therapy. i had promised myself that i could go into debt to get well – time to act on that for my mind, too.
Donna,
when is it poison leaving the system and when is it poison being manufactured by action and thought? this is a long standing question – long before jsj. it’s an important question.
i see how i act, how much i seem to be having thoughts that are based in narcissistic injury, and worry that i am like my dad and sib (and uncles for that matter). there is a lot of narcissism in my bloodline.
some part of me believes in the power of evil doing – because it has been oh so effective when used against me. on the spectrum i have always leaned more toward being compassionate. i have made many mistakes, but this is true. but now i worry for my mental health. i have almost always been able to ameliorate vengeful or aggressive thinking that is based in feeling wronged. right now, i just keep on cracking. i am untrusting of myself – never sure when if i will say or do something hurtful. trying to keep it in, and not inflict on others – when really, there are others i want to use power against.
the others are people (many medicos) who i feel not supported by, uncared for by, not listened to. i stopped a doctor three times the other day and said to her, ‘listen.’i cannot play by their rules anymore. it is not their life, not there death, not their illness. but i need them. it’s a horrible bind. i am feeling rage that i never could when i was a kid – i couldn’t play by my parents’ rules and all i could do was numb my pain for years, hurt inside, then leave.
now, i am a post menopausal woman – and there is something to be said for the difference in perspective that affords one. there are things that i want to hold others accountable for. but the rage – well, it’s not ‘working’ for me, but it comes and it comes and it comes…. i am embarrassed, ashamed and in fear of it. it’s just a feeling – but this paradigm is the one i was taught in my family. i need to normalize my feelings. recognize, that given the circumstances they make a lot of sense. give them some space (in therapy) and figure out how to use my mind for good. i don’t really want to hurt people – what i really want is for them to stop hurting me. i am deeply angered and enraged when hurt, now. i think this is why my reactions look to me like narcissistic responses – the depth of my hurt and anger seem unprecedented. but perhaps they are not. perhaps they are just raw and unmitigated by numbing agents.
One joy – The rage is a perfect example of the poison that needs to leave the system. It will get in the way of your healing.
The key is that you can express your rage, allow yourself to experience it, without directing it towards anyone in particular. You might want to get the book, “Facing the Fire,” by John Lee. I wrote about it several years ago.
http://www.lovefraud.com/2007/02/18/releasing-the-pain-inflicted-by-a-sociopath/
The main point is that anger and rage are physical sensations, and they need to be dealt with physically. You can’t intellectualize anger and just make it go away. Anger needs to be expressed.
But you want to express it appropriately. That would mean expressing your anger either alone or with the help of a therapist. Lee recommends doing something physical do release the anger, such as stomping on the ground or smashing old teacups into trash cans. My personal favorite was imagining my socopathic ex-husband’s face on a pillow and beating it until I collapsed.
That is the important part – beating until you collapse. Expressing the anger until it bursts out of you and you feel the release. That’s when you know some of the poison is out of your system.
Getting rid of the anger is a process. We all have deep pools of anger, rage, resentment – and we drain the pools a little at a time. So, you might have a pillow-bashing session, feel the release, and then feel better for a few days. Then, you’ll start to feel the anger again, so it’s time for another session.
In between sessions, try to be very good to yourself. Do things that make you happy; be around people who bring you joy. Even if it’s a little bit of happiness or joy. The idea is to replace the pool of pain with a well of joy.
How long does it take to drain the pool? As long as it takes. Like all recovery from sociopaths, we all go forward at our own pace. But I assure you, it can be done, and will help immensely with your recovery.
hi star – for now, she has. but only because she infected me and i believe the game. once i stop believing the game, she will have lost – again.
i feel so deeply let down by others. hurt at not being care for/ about. and angered by these things.
i realized something a couple of weeks ago, that might be part of the key to letting go: I know i have filled in gaps in relationships in the past (with the spath and others). This is a trait that makes me connable – by myself and others. i fill in the ‘rest of the story’. I also have ongoing monologues in my head about others (pick any one of my neighbours, and insert story line). I have been working to stop the neighbour storylines, and what i see is that fighting with people in my head is a way to be ‘in relationship’ with them, WHEN I AM FREAKING *NOT* ‘in relationship’ with them in reality. Continuing to fight with them in my head won’t miraculously make them care about me and therefore take me into consideration.(god, people are such a letdown.)
when i stop the negative storyline, i can see the circumstances much more clearly. when i can accept that any given neighbour is extremely selfish; i stop caring if they care enough about me to act decently; and just start being really strong about my needing them to stop doing things that put my health in further danger.
One joy,
It could be that your emotional issues and your health issues are related, and you may find that when one starts to clear, the other one does, too. I just say this because I’ve seen miraculous healings of allergies, chronic bronchitis (in myself), ulcers, and even cancer happen for people who started doing intensive meditation practice and start on a path of self-recovery. I have come to have such a profound respect for how connected the mind and body are. I do not want to impose my thinking on you or anybody, because I’ve had people on here who have cancer get very angry with me for even implying they could have some control over healing it. So this is a disclaimer that this is just how I personally think. Take it for what it’s worth.
In my belief system, lack of acceptance of various aspects of ones self can cause physical issues. Repressed anger can cause physical issues. I’ve seen this in myself. Therefore, when you say you are experiencing a lot of rage and you are coming face to face with your own narcissism, I say…….good for you! They are ugly things and no one wants to admit they have a lot of narcissistic rage or wounding. I came face to face with this in myself shortly after I joined the site, and I blogged about it here. It wasn’t pretty to see. I didn’t want to admit that I had these similar traits to my parents. But it was very freeing once I just accepted it. And it started to break up and dissipate, because as you know, mental/emotional states are not really permanent.
Here is the thing about other people – they can be selfish and shallow but we need them anyway. I promise you, one joy, that there are kind, decent, caring people out there. Keep fighting for yourself, one joy. Fight for your life. Go through all the feelings and get them out no matter how you have to do it. One day, you will not have to fight anymore. (((hugs)))
Hi Donna, I can’t do that sort of physical release – my body could not stand it. I am rather fragile physically; it’s one of the challenges i face. i have always been a very physical person and understand the need for moving ‘feelings’ through my body. but it isn’t possible at this time.
i will take a look at the article and the book though.
thank you.
best,
one joy
hi star- being on lovefraud in the last couple of days has helped moved some things. very good.
the idea that i may not have to fight someday made me cry. i see only the fight i am in and the fight ahead…and it has been a bleak vision. my fight has looked like me in a small dark closet flailing away at small flying doctor shaped fears. not a very or properly focused fight.
need a new paradigm.