In his new book, Oliver James, a British psychologist and TV broadcaster, describes the worst of white-collar workers.
Why your boss could easily be a psychopath, on Telegraph.co.uk.
Story suggested by a Lovefraud reader.
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How to recognize and recover from everyday sociopaths - narcissists
Skylar
Thats a very good point. I was brought up to have humility, forgive trespassers and turn the other cheek. Seeing the good in everyone, I was a sitting duck for my snake in the grass.
I also developed a tendency to “do good deeds”….especially for my Mum. I felt unloved and I suppose I was trying to draw some affection or admiration from her. I am beginning to see how I was developing “bad habits” as a child. Is this why I’m attracted to these types?
Skylar, I agree that the snake analogy is spot-on, and I like OxD’s take on it – they’ll NEVER grow fur and behave like a puppy!
Strongawoman, I don’t know about you, but “these types” were attracted to me because of my core-issues with the “shame-core” being the most self-destructive of all. I was attracted to THOSE types because I believed that, if I loved someone well enough and did everything that I could to help them “heal” and reach their true potential, they would love me back, accept me, approve of my efforts, etc. These were all flawed beliefs, and I was raised with the same values – humility, forgiveness, turning the other cheek, etc. Those “values” HAVE a purpose, but they’ve been rather warped and perverted to mean something completely different than what they were originally meant to teach, IMHO.
I’m no theologist but “humility” is often associated with “humiliation,” and they’re not the same thing, at all. Being humble translates (for me, personally) being grateful for what I have and remaining OPEN to being taught – I don’t “know everything,” and humility reminds me of this, daily.
Forgiveness and the ability to forgive is also a demand that human beings have placed upon one another that is unreasonable – there are some situations where “forgiveness” is likely impossible – again, this is my very humble opinion and applies ONLY to me, personally.
Turning the other cheek – my gosh, but that requirement has left me open to some of the most heinous abuses, along with the most ludicrous suggestion that marriage vows were somehow set forth by God, which is NOT true.
I don’t know if you’ve done any work on “inner child,” but if you ever have a desire to approach it, “Healing The Shame That Binds You” by Bradshaw goes into great depths on this concept. I’ll say this about “inner child” work – it’s painful, grievous, and very challenging. But, for me, it ws the best explanation that I’ve had that adresses nearly every choice and decision that I’ve made throughout my lifetime. Boundaries, friends, marriages, career choices (or, not), etc…….I could go on about how this concept liberated me from so many other issues, but it would thoroughly take up pages and pages.
The most important thing about core-beliefs is that they can be altered to reflect the truth instead of “feelings” or emotions. I am learning, at long last, how to soothe that wounded “inner child” and reassure her that boundaries are Okay and that she (and, I) NEVER need to seek approval, acceptance, or validation from anyone else other than herself (MY self).
Brightest blessings
Truthy,
I scratched the surface of my inner child many years ago…..whatever I was reading at the time recommended “shrinking” my inner child……. myself as a small child, and placing her in my heart where I could give her the love and reassurance she/I craved so badly. I knew then that there was something not right but didn’t know what or why. Saying all that has just made me burst into tears.
Thank you Truthspeak. I will have a look at the book you recommend.
Truthy,
Working on my inner child has led me to a new layer, the self hatred or self contempt which walks hand in hand with loneliness (layers underneath the shame). We have based our choices in life unaware of those ruling facts. I believe there is two ways for trauma to direct it self, either inward or outward. Many of us has turned that energy inward and blamed ourselves for years, making our own string of thoughts to beat our selves up for the mistakes we’ve made and worked even harder to avoid it. We were not lovable. The oppsite of love is hate. So the spath had it easy coming, we were easy targets to hate. A spath always turns its hatred outward onto others, we were only garbagecans for them. Once we’ve learned to love ourselves, the boundaries will follow with that and a spaths “magic” wont work. Offcourse there will be challenges that might tilt us right back in the old pattern. However, it will be less and less, the more one work on it.
Strongawoman, (((((((((HUGS))))))))))) STRONG, fierce hugs, sweetie.
“Inner child” work is grievous, Strongawoman. It is. I sobbed and grieved for a week – literally – after I met that tortured, dirty, hungry, frightened, and abandoned child that was ME. I didn’t want to do the work – I have to be honest about this because it’s true. I was afraid of that grief. I believed that it was too deep and too painful for me to process. But, it wasn’t.
After I had sobbed my way through the pity and shame of what I had experienced, I put myself in front of myself (as that child) and swore that she would never be abandoned, alone, frightened, hungry, filthy, or dismissed, ever again. It still remains grievous to me and I get choked up, even today. I met my “inner child” in December of 2011 – over a year ago – and, I maintain frequent contact with her.
It’s scary, Strongawoman, it is. But, it’s healing in a way that I cannot describe.
Brightest and most comforting blessings
Sunflower – spot-on! That wounded “inner child” still screams, kicks, and demands her needs, but she’s learning that those needs will be met, without fail, by ME – I will meet those needs TO myself BY myself.
Spaths, for whatever reason, have the most uncanny ability to hone in on these damaged core-issues and tear them apart with surgical precision. It’s almost as if they each have the “Target Acquisition And Dismantle Handbook” to refer to!
Brightest blessings
((strongawoman))
I know, sweetie, me too. Just thinking about the wounded little girl makes me cry. I don’t know how to make it better for her.
We can’t change the past. She has only now.
Skylar, 100% spot on: “We can’t change the past. She only has now.”
When I “met” my “inner child,” it was grievous – that’s the only way that I can describe it. When I reached out to her, a few days later, I sort of used your words, above. Sort of like….I can’t take the hurt away, but I can make sure that today, onward, the hurt won’t happen, if that makes any sense.
I think that’s the only way that I could approach this painful “meeting” of the “inner child.” I gave her a new name and, in my mind’s eye, addressed her using that name. It’s a weird and surrealistic approach to this whole process of recovery, and I really, REALLY did not – did NOT – want to do this particular work. My counselor gave me a headsup on the grief aspect, and I heard the words, but I was not prepared for such a visceral and deep reaction.
Skylar, your “inner child” has “now,” but she also has YOU to soothe her and speak to her, rationally, when everything begins to spiral out of control. For me, that’s the impressive benefit of this whole exercise. We learn how to rely upon our own selves to validate, approve, accept, and nurture our own selves instead of endlessly seeking it from other sources.
Brightest blessings
About 5 years ago, as a Christmas gift for my mother, I took all the old Super-8 movies that my father shot and put them on DVDs. I was familiar with most of the films, but there was the one small reel that I had never seen before, shot in 8mm, not Super-8. I did not have any means of viewing this reel, but I processes it anything, thinking if it was nothing of value, I could delete it from the finished DVD.
That “lost” reel happened to be film of my first birthday party.
Having this video has helped me immeasurably. I consider it to be the real me, before all issues of childhood and adulthood resulted in a person different than the baby boy.
As an adult, I am shy unless in a comfortable situation, serious and somewhat reserved, often moody and withdrawn.
As a one-year old, I was none of that. I was happy, outgoing and gregarious. At one, I could walk very well and you see me adventuring around the back yard. That adventuring and an attraction for mechanical things (you can see me interested with a lawn mower) are the only consistent traits in my adulthood. Of, an liking of the color red!
This is “pre” inner child. This is the person I know am I and can be — happy, outgoing and fun.
What is most amazing about this video is that I have only been around this extended family for six months. I was adopted and spent the first six months of my life in NY Foundling Hospital. There is no evidence of anything but a very well adjusted and happy baby.
The rest happened thereafter.
Sadly, many of the people in the video are now dead. Several more are emotionally dead, victims of childhood sexual abuse and other abuses. While some of these people have had an indirect negative affect on my life, I have learned to let go and feel no shame.
Most important, I no longer feel guilty about being me and my only goal is to make myself happy. I am not yet the boy in the video, but each day I get a bit closer.
One of the techniques I was given by a therapist was when I was feeling guilty or hurt, was to ask myself “why is my critical (inner) parent beating my inner child? Funny thing was, I could usually find the answer.