by Quinn Pierce
A Stifling Silence
One of my ex-husband’s favorite tools of manipulation was the silent treatment.
On the surface, it seemed like a childish ploy to get what he wanted, but in reality, the silent treatment is a behavior abusers use to attack their partner’s vulnerability and self-esteem in order to exert control.
I can clearly see now that my ex-husband took plenty of time in the beginning of our relationship to assess how I would react to the silent treatment. It is a skill he practiced and perfected along the way, until the greatest impact was achieved. A sociopath won’t risk losing the relationship, so it was a complicated game he played to keep me off-balance, but not to the point of walking away.
Like every other game, this was all about control, and there were several situations in which my ex-husband felt as though he was not in control. Usually, they were situations when he was being called out on a behavior such as lying or cheating. That was something he just couldn’t tolerate, which always seemed ironic, considering he expected his victim to tolerate everything.
In other words, in situations when a normal person would stand and face the music for his mis-behavior and wrong doings, the sociopathic spouse turns into the perpetual child, responding with the equivalent of: You can’t be mad at me, because I’m mad at you.
Harmful Intent
Why is the silent treatment so harmful?
First of all, it’s only intent is to cause harm. This isn’t the normal time-out from an argument that couples may agree upon; it’s one person isolating the other, withholding emotion, approval, and acceptance. It is a means of punishing another person.
Since it is very likely that the sociopathic spouse has already isolated his or her partner from family, friends, and other emotional support systems, victims of abuse usually rely heavily on their only remaining relationship. And that is exactly how the abuser wants it; in fact, that is exactly the situation he or she has worked so hard to create.
With this act of manipulation, several things are happening to the victim:
Self-doubt: the victim begins to question the situation and wonder if he or she did something wrong or actually is the one at fault (even though instinctively, we know this is not true).
Feeling abandoned: if the victim has prior abandonment issues, this isolation can feel very much the same as being physically and emotionally abandoned
Loneliness, shame, guilt, and all the emotions that come from being ”˜punished’ or scolded by another person.
Increased anxiety: what if he or she leaves me or stays mad at me, what will happen? What if he or she hurts me or the children. This is especially true if the silent treatment is accompanied by the tell-tale angry outbursts, tantrums, and other forms of non-verbal communication expressing anger.
The Victim’s Mind Does All The Work
The result of anxiety is the brain creating a plethora of worst case scenarios. The abuser can spend very little energy while the victim’s brain does all the work. We can, essentially, talk ourselves into believing that reconciliation is better than any of the alternatives; thus, we may give in, take responsibility for things we didn’t actually do, apologize instead of demanding an apology, and validating the abusers belief that we are dependent upon the relationship, and therefore, on him or her.
When a partner isn’t speaking to you, it is a clear sign that he or she is angry or upset, even if no words are said to that effect. I think this is a key element to why my ex preferred this form of punishment. The silent treatment plays well into the gas lighting technique. It was very easy for him to insist that I misinterpreted his actions, over-reacted to the situation, remembered the event wrong, or my favorite- that I created the drama by starting a fight and accusing him of saying and doing things he never said or did.
Well, of course it would seem as though I started the fight, since he wasn’t speaking to me, but that discounts the fact that his non-communication was instigating an argument. And let’s not underestimate the effect of non-verbal communication- another of my ex-husband’s favorite forms of communication. It’s difficult for someone to blame you for something you implied, but never said.
Alternating Forms of Abuse
Ironically, when it came to arguments that involved taking to one another, my ex-husband would not allow any silence or hesitation in my responses. He pushed for immediate answers in a confrontational and invasive way, accusing that I must be lying if I am not able to answer immediately. Since most of his statements and questions were meant to be confrontation and accusatory, there really was no way to answer, and he knew that. This was just another method of control: the bully tactic.
When someone is in your personal space, it feels like an attack and immediately creates panic. My response was usually to shut down and not engage back in the argument, especially since everything I said would be used against me later, twisted in meaning, or dismissed entirely. His verbal attacks would, of course, be denied entirely when referred to at a later date.
Both methods, the silent treatment and bullying, were effective ways of asserting control. Neither method was used with the intention of reconciliation or compromise. To me, it is an especially insidious and cowardly form of abuse in which the abusers deny what they do and leave no viable evidence, only the victims’ manipulated memory.
Lessons Learned (and Un-Learned)
As a survivor, one of the most difficult stumbling blocks to overcome on my path to healing, was undoing the behaviors I learned as a result of living in this relationship for so long.
When my boyfriend asked if he could come to one of my counseling sessions about a year into our relationship, I was all for it. We had been arguing without much resolution, and I knew my counselor would not hold back in telling him the truth about what she thought. After listening to us and asking questions for nearly an hour, she did just as I knew she would and laid it all out as plain as could be.
To my surprise, shock, and dismay, however, she explained that my experience in arguing with my ex-husband had left me little in the way of skills needed to argue or disagree in a healthy relationship.
Whenever I argued, I anticipated that my words would be used against me, or I was being set-up by the questions. I was responding as if my boyfriend was abusive, regardless of what the new reality was, and in turn, I was now the one creating the abusive environment.
This was not an easy pill to swallow.
Recovery After Abuse
I can’t say it was anything I ever expected to hear, but it clearly made sense once I understood what I was doing and why. I am fortunate that I have a healthy partner and a very intuitive counselor, both of whom want me to be healthy and strong. Once the initial reaction to this situation wore off, I realized it was no different from other patterns I had to unlearn and relearn in order to be healthy.
Recovering from a relationship with a sociopath is not an easy process. Every day, I learn about myself, conquer new fears, and continue to heal. It can be frustrating and exhausting at times, but even when I have felt at my lowest point during this recovery, it has always been worth it. There is a sense of freedom that comes with healing after abuse; it may be hidden for a while under the guilt, or shame, or uncertainty, but once I began to experience joy without fear, I knew it was not something I would ever give up again.
My ex-spouse used his therapist to back his tactics. That experience with a health care professional really set up a distrust of counselors. She had diagnosed him as bipolar and fought to keep that a viable diagnosis. The person he presented in front of her was humble, communicative, and apparently caring. She told me – after I had experienced long periods of the silent treatment over assorted “wrongs” to him and his expectations – that I had to make an appointment to talk with him. He had the right to withhold communication.
On the face of it, that may be true. She told him that he had every right to walk several paces in front of me when we were out together because “that was clearing the way for her .” O our first night together as a married couple, he came in from work – after telling me that he needed to shower and change into comfortable clothes before having dinner – and went balistic that dinner was not READY…..she told him that he had a right to have his expectations met because I wasn’t working at that time. Silent Treatment commenced. Another time when he had his grandkids visiting, I had failed to read his mind and know that along with the cake and decorations I had bought and prepared, I was supposed to have KNOWN there was to be a bbq as well. Pouting and silent treatment. She indicated to me that my wanting physical intimacy within the marriage was unfairly stressful toward her patient. Too many such instances to enumerate, but the silent treatment was his most effective and harmful tool.
there has to be a way to SUE counselors for A) impersonating a professional–licensed profs have to follow code of ethics or they can lose their license…can u imagine a professional telling that BS you describe in open court or before a peer review?? and B) MALPRACTICE.
i would publicize your case at the very least in the media and force her to come clean. Its sickening to promulgate that sickness on ppl and be PAID for it!!
argh
That is the very reason I am reluctant to approach professionals on my abuse. The victim is often turned into the perpetrator due to the sociopath’s skills re acting/lying/manipulating. I imagine this could cause further damage to the real victim. I can relate to all you say about mind reading, the silent treatment etc. It is a disgusting cruel way to treat anyone let alone someone they pretend to care for.
Unfortunately these people are so charming and manipulative they can easily fool professionals. My sociopath ex fooled all professional counselors except one; this one was a man. He of course refused to go back to him. Find one who is expertly trained in these personality disorders.
I was suddenly, cruelly discarded by my BF of 2 years almost a year ago. This man is 59 and has a very high IQ. I am also in my late 50’s.
> I saw red flags over the years, something was not quite right, but had no idea what I was dealing with. Never even heard of BPD, sociopathy, psychopathy. Had I known I would have been able to protect my heart. I really believed he was the one I would spend the rest of my life with. . After reading and lots of therapy, I can see in hindsight, how his behavior was so predictable. The idealization, devaluation, and discarding. The projecting, splitting…….. Perceived criticisms that would escalate into rages. He let me know I was the problem; I was abusive, controlling……. He could never comfort me when he reduced me to tears. Instead he would tell me I was desperate when I cried. He never apologized. All these behaviors pecked at my soul.
>
> He was never happy. He wanted to live on a sailboat one month, build his own home the next and then wanted to live an ascetic life and rent a room from someone the next. He sailed for one week at sea. When he returned he said it was too hard a life. Six months later he said he wanted to live on a boat again, that he wasn’t in the right frame of mine when he was at sea.
> I never knew what was fantasy and what was reality.
>
> Three months ago during a telephone conversation he responded to a perceived criticism, Said I didn’t support him when he was offered a 1 year job out of state. I love(d) this man.
> I supported him. I just was not willing to sell my home and leave my job for a one year job with the clause that he could be let go within that year with a 24hour notice. I tried so hard to explain my innocence. He “threw the kitchen sink” at me during this phone call. Crazy talk. i.e.: From not supporting a move out of state, to how many times did we eat outdoors on the patio?
>
> He hung up on me and told me “never to call this number again”. I e-mailed him four times. He did not respond. Long story short, he quit his job, threw or gave away everything that he could not fit in his car, sold his home and moved out of state.
>
> I was devastated by the break up. No closure and the silent treatment is the worse form of emotional abuse. My self esteem was shattered. How someone could detach on a dime was/is impossible to wrap my brain around.
It took me 7 years to realise what all the red flags really meant. I believed him when he told me after only a week ‘already I’m in love with you.’ He planned the end of the marriage, blamed me and slandered me to all our ‘friends’ who believed him not me. In one and a half years he has moved house (including mistresses) 5 times.
Beth,1314,
I’m so sorry to hear of your pain. The lack of closure must be awful.
You are not alone though. My husband of 21 years disclosed his 20 year double life to me last year. Since that time, he has not seen our three grown sons. He’s texted them a few times but has not talked or seen them since. He walked away from us, leaving most of his clothes and all his possessions. I talk to him daily but he has no desire to repair relationships, resolve the issues or even to get all of his stuff out of the house. He’s done. Totally detached.
It’s unbelievable and it hurts. But remember, they have no true emotion. People are the same as furniture. Easy to leave behind.
We have to try to keep in mind these people are fakes. They don’t have normal feelings for others. To them, we are as you say, just the same as furniture. It’s just hard for us to imagine having no empathy at all and to use people and drop them. Mine had hundreds – yes hundreds of female ‘contacts’ or ex’s or whatever. He can pick them up again after years. He just says something like ‘Sorry about what happened. I made a mistake. Can I see you again? I really love you. You’re the only one I was ever close to.’ (NOT!). That sentence can be repeated many, many times to many, many people. If you fall for it the abuse starts again not long after. I compare his lies now with one of his ex mistresses. He was with her, me and others. He told me he is her husbands friend – she has no husband. He would never sleep with her – he was in her bed and at her table and in her wallet. He told her I am a bitch (despite paying for everything, doing all the work and loving him too much). He told me she is a bitch. Wow she was the only woman he ever loved. Wow I was the only woman he ever loved. He’s a parasite on welfare and on the internet most of his day and night trawling for victims (plural). It frustrates me that the future and current victims will have to suffer when our governments could pass laws to make internet predators/sociopaths criminals.
Kathleen,
Don’t feel bad, I’m a b**ch too. 🙂 Your Socio sounds like mine. He tells every woman that he loves them and will leave me for them. Of course, I’m the most unreasonable, undesirable, quarrelsome woman ever in his eyes- at that moment. But wait a day and I am once again “the love of his life, his soulmate, the most beautiful woman he knows, His Baby.”
My favorite is that at this time, he and his mistress are attending church together, as a couple. They quote scripture to justify their relationship. HELLO, he’s Married. Commandment #7 – Thou shall not commit adultery. Mind blowing, And they have no shame. Two of like minds.
I fear for my 18 year old daughter. This behavior is so widely accepted or ignored. And honestly, I think it is in direct relation to the enormous sex trafficking tragedy that the world is facing. Victims need a voice!
Hi HopingToHeal. At least we can sympathise with each other! Thanks. The religion bit reminded me of his false persona too. First of all we are still married but separated. He has many mistresses therefore commits adultery on a regular basis. He sometimes goes to church with relatives and says it’s his ‘duty.’ He has a Bible prominently displayed and has had it at least 20 years. He obtained it from a friend. I wouldn’t be surprised if he didn’t take it without permission. Mine is by my bedside. I read it everyday and nobody sees it except me. He said his favourite part of the Bible is John’s Gospel. He didn’t even know there’s an old and new testament. He knows nothing about it. I once told him there are 10 pages missing from The Gospel according to John. He didn’t know. Pretend Christian? Total fake? You reminded me!
Right on-One of the most disgusting and evil things was the ex-Socio and his current Socio mistress quoting scripture on their Facebook or attending church for the 3 years we were separated and divorcing. Yes-Commandment #7. During this period even though I had friends wanting to set me up on dates, I wanted my daughter to see 1st hand how important marriage vows supposed to be and are in the eyes of God.
HopingToHeal, I too have thought for quite awhile now that this behavior is in direct relation to the world’s sex trafficking problems we have today. In fact, over the last year I have become involved with some of these organizations trying to figure out how to best have a message from my “mess”. The many,many prostitutes that my ex hired constitutes him as a sex trafficker. These girls mostly come from childhood abuse or domestic violence situations and have been victims their whole life-people like my ex continue to prey on these women.
Nomoretear2013,
I really believe that recognizing the overall harm that just my socio has inflicted has helped me become less focused on myself as a victim. My husband claims that prostitutes are “professionals”. He is a 57 years old man and I caught him with a 23 year old prostitute. This poor girl was addicted to heroin but claimed to be a college student. And she is just one of the many that he and other gutter rats prey on.
He said she was so nice and sweet. The poor girls picture is posted all over the internet as a nationwide call girl. She’s barely even an adult and these vultures have stolen her soul.
While we are all victims, the most vulnerable people are the ones that predators can destroy without anyone ever knowing.
AMEN to every word you wrote!! I am just in the beginning phases of doing some volunteer work with an organization out of Atlanta whose mission started few years ago to help get these girls off the streets and out of the clubs. It is a wonderful organization and has really started making a name for itself and the help and hope it is giving to these girls. Their goal is to have a national call center for this purpose.
Kathleen and HopingToHeal,
The good news for those of us who have these evil individuals in our lives pretending to be Christians and carrying their Bible around is that we know they are fake but most importantly God knows what they are doing.
Jesus always knows, and He’s never impressed.
How impressed is He with ME…that’s what I have to concern myself with. The rest can take care of itself.
(besides my own children, of course)
Thank God, I Am Not God 🙂
AMEN!!
Thanks, nomoretears2013. Your words are very reassuring.
Regarding the silent treatment…I’ve learned to turn it around…no-talk means no-lies. For me, his silent treatment has slowly morphed into becoming MY reward…his self imposed punishment.
His “time out” is solely to punish “himself” (nothing personal towards me). Refusing to become a victim who he can manipulate and punish with his silent treatment frees me to be happier with myself, but my nonacceptance of “shame” must really make him confused…poor baby!
Beth1314, sounds like you were dealing w/ an impulsive and constantly testing teenager! A teenager…not a mature adult.
A teenager might deliberately make button pushing statements in order to provoke someone else… who will respond and aid him in creating an argument…that the teen’s not responsible for starting (wink). The goal was to make someone else “appear to be” unreasonable for provoking/forcing a confrontation that results in the “teenager” leaving in a huff…because he/she can no longer tolerate the the other’s instigated, unreasonable and controlling behavior. Through the teen’s “manipulation”, a situation he’s instigated makes him appear to be a victim. Someone else’s behavior requires that he must leave to keep his sanity (his intended goal). Circumstances/others are to blame for his actions. He is not responsible for the outcome. IF HE/SHE FAILS, the responsibility lies solely with whoever/whatever else created an unreasonable situation that required his escape…He is not responsible for the outcome, (but only)if it’s negative for him!
HopingToHeal – why do you still speak to your x on a daily basis? Unless you’re both in the same workplace, this seems unnecessary and might be very self-defeating.
If you’re simply calling him to change his (uncontrollable) mind…he’s got you hooked!
If he’s calling you…get caller ID and don’t pick up the phone…or better yet, have his number blocked.
It seems that he’s out of the house and has repeatedly reinforced that he has no intentions to return. Perhaps you still need to accept his decision in order to move on to a different way of living…without him and those self-deprecating mind games the two of you have become used to playing.
IMcofused,
I appreciate your directness, but this man is still My husband and we have a daughter together. We have 23 years together and a family together. We’ve shared a huge life together and I still love him totally. My faith in God tells me that there is always hope. He’s broken my trust repeatedly but has continued to take care of me. This is Not a game to me. It’s my life. I’m just trying to heal. He’s NOT confused, just stubborn. Listening to the wrong person. I’m doing the best I can, and value everything I’ve learned here. He’s my husband and I love him. It’s not a game.
if he’s a spath, he doesnt think of himself as ur anything. he doesnt think of anything as urs together, be it ur daughter, ur house, ur life. he’s not stubborn, he’s evil. he’s listening to himself and will listen to himself ONLY.
if he’s a spath, he doesnt love you, he doesnt love ur daughter; he has never loved u, he has never loved ur daughter; he will never love u, he will never love ur daughter.
he doesnt take care of u or ur daughter, u simply play a part he still requires in his life.
if he’s a spath, theres a great chance, that to him, this is the biggest game of his life he can play.
u know right now if he’s a spath or not. most ppl read about 3 min on this site and get slapped with the fact that their husband is a sociopath. they learn to accept this and how to cope with it over time. but you know almost instantly if ur dealing with a spath.
u can not change him or anything about ur life WITH HIM.
u can heal tho. God will heal u as u learn to live without daily chaos in ur brain and in ur heart.
i hope ur husband isnt a spath. i hope he’s not disordered, i.e. a narcissist or borderline personality. i doubt u would be posting here if he wasnt one of those however.
Aintgonnatakeitnomore,
You are correct. I believe him to be a a Spath. I was defending my reason for having some communication, We are still married and have a child together and there are things to discuss. Also, we all know that coming to terms with one’s experience is difficult, especially if you’ve been together a long time.
In addition, I do have hope in every situation. Prepare for the worst and hope for the best. I’m preparing fir the worst, but my faith in God will not let me believe that all things can be possible thought God. If things with my Spath husband never change, then I have already begun the steps to break away completely . I’m on the path to freedom. But I will not limit Gid’s power.
I will no longer live with his lies, manipulating and cheating, but the doesn’t mean that my love for him is gone, or that my heart doesn’t wish it could be different. It’s a process. I’m doing the best I can,
My post was only about how I still care and about my faith in God. It really has nothing to do with changing tactics or wearing “rose colored” glasses. But I’m not playing a game.
HopingToHeal, did I just read that you have hope things will work out with your husband who is a sociopath? Do you really feel he will change? I hope you have read enough here to know that if he is a sociopath, he will not change. I’ve been on this site for 6 years now. I have NEVER – not once – read the story of someone who stayed with a spath and had a happy ending. I read of some who stayed and were poisoned, murdered, stalked, given STD’s, committed suicide, became severely depressed and gained a lot of weight, got cancer and other stress-exacerbated illness, and eventually died from these terminal illnesses. You do have a shot at happiness. But not with the man you have been describing here. Sorry to be blunt but I care about the people on this site and that includes you. LF saved my life when I was suicidal over a sociopath.
LF saved my life too Stargazer. I’d been with my sp 6 years. We’d been separated 6 months before I found this site and had my eyes opened. I agree with you 100%. A sociopath will never become a normal person with empathy. It’s all about themselves. We are just objects to be used. Towards the end of the relationship and after a build up of all the doubts and confusion, I knew he was cold emotionally, paranoid, a parasite, something ‘wrong in his brain’ compared to normal people. But finding this site has given me relief from wondering what was wrong with ME. He broke my heart, took my life savings and left me physically and emotionally ill. He didn’t care. Just moved on to another victim and forgot all about me. He tried to ‘pick me up’ for more supply when one mistress cut off her money supply to him. The public in general need educating about sociopaths. I didn’t even know they existed. He was totally fake and that is hard to accept after wasting so much time trying to please him.
Kathleen, we will not find one person here who has witnessed a sociopath turn around and become decent. They just don’t. And that makes them dangerous.
I addressed someone recently – I don’t recall who it was – it may have been HopingToHeal – who was describing how their husband cheated and they became complacent about it. I want to repeat for everyone who may have missed it. The appropriate response when you find out you have been betrayed like this EVEN ONCE is outrage. You should want to kick him out of the house and not speak to him. Even in a marriage with a normal person, this is a serious betrayal and should be treated as such. So many spouses of sociopaths have just become complacent about their spouses’ cheating. The spouse has convinced them that if it’s with a prostitute, it’s okay. Or that they will change. Or that it is the spouse’s fault they cheated….or (please fill in the other excuses – you all know them, right?). JUST STOP RIGHT NOW. Stop making excuses for him. It is not okay for your trusted partner to cheat on you! Remember, he took vows, and you have an agreement, and he broke it repeatedly. Then he lied about it. What part of this do you think will change? If you think it’s just temporary, then I have some swamp land to sell you in the Florida Everglades!
It’s NOT okay, it’s NOT normal, and it’s NOT gonna change. It is beyond a red flag. I don’t want to see the beautiful sensitive women here who have such huge hearts making excuses for their cheating lying husbands. Please – get away. It’s not gonna get better. In fact, it’s probably worse than you imagine. If you discover one mistress, there are probably more. Many more. Please get out while you still can. The longer you stay, the more brainwashed you will be, the more beaten down, and the harder it will be to leave.
The one I dated was only for a short time. He took such good care of me when we were together. He was so sweet and gentlemanly. He was like “the guy next door.” He always opened doors, paid for meals, and treated me like a princess when we were together. He was also lying about being MARRIED and was lying to me and the army about a made up medical condition so he could get a phony medical discharge. He SEEMED to me SO honorable. These guys are REALLY good at conning you. It’s what they do. These guys are really really good at presenting a pleasing persona to you and everyone else. It’s hard to comprehend the evil behind it. Please, please don’t fall for the promises of changing, the sweet kind things they do at times, or the fact that you’ve invested many years into them. Listen to your head. Listen to Donna. Listen to us. We come by this advice the hard way.
Hugs,
Star
Thank you Stargazer
Oh, dear…that is your choice if you want to stay with him. He is your husband, but wow…the things you have said he does, just wow. If you want to stay with that, so be it. You are trying to heal, but you will never, ever heal as long as you are with him…never. Again, your choice. It is not a game to you. It is a game to him. Good luck.
Hi Stargazer (and maybe SER if you mean me). I was just reporting part of his evil behaviour. I am out of it and had NO CONTACT since 31st Dec 2013. I was advising HopingToHeal that sociopaths do not change. We separated in Dec. 2011. He found many victims and potential victims via many dating sites(on which he says he’s honest and caring!), Facebook etc. I am in England. In just over one year he moved house 5 times – impulsive, nomadic. He moved to Germany to a woman with 2 cars, a big house thinking she would do what I did till her money was gone. Wrong! He only owes her 1,000. But she didn’t know about another 3 in Germany and at least 5 in England, 3 in USA etc. giving him money as he pretended to love them. ‘wow, you’re the only one’ etc. I know his lines by heart now. No, I was trying to tell HopeToHeal there’s no way a sociopath can become a normal, caring human being. Maybe a lot of us tolerate them until we understand the condition because they are really good liars we give them the benefit of the doubt instead of trusting our instincts. They sort of brainwash us. I always knew he was jealous, paranoid and that there was something odd in his brain but couldn’t put my finger on it. That’s why it was such a relief when I discovered this site and sociopathy 6 months after he left me when my money was finished.
Kathleen…I was replying to HopingtoHeal. I did click on “Reply” under her post…not sure how it ended up out of sequence.
Kathleen, I was directing my post toward HopingToHeal. Sorry for the confusion.
Kathleen,
Thank you for your words and story. Mine is similar and I agree that evil people do not change. I’m sorry my words did not make what I meant clear. My husband won’t change, but God can do anything. My husband doesn’t truly seek and hear God, and therefore there is no hope for a change in him, but I do seek and hear God and he can change me and lead me. I know God does not want my daughter and me abused.
Spathes are good liars and they brainwash us. Maybe I’ve been brainwashed to think ai love him. But I do love him and that is what makes this so hard. I’m learning to live myself more, taking the right steps and leaning on God. That’s the best I can do.
Congratulations on NC. I’ve been NC for three days. I’m doing well, but it hurts.
Stay strong and thank you for your advice
HopingToHeal – stay on this site and look everyday. You will be supported. When you say he is your husband and you love him, think of it this way. A sociopath shows you the fake personality so you can’t love what isn’t there can you? He isn’t/wasn’t real. Congratulations on 3 days. Ok mine is now 83 days, but it’s not that long since I was saying 2 days, 3 days, 4 days. I feel much, much stronger. NO CONTACT is advised by victims and it really does work. Please don’t waste your love on a fake, a user, a liar. Stay strong with God and come back to this site for support. You’ll make it. You’ll eventually be happy and free of his bullsh… I prays to God all the time and read the Bible everyday. Please come back for your support and let us know how you are feeling
SER,
I’m doing the best I can. I’m following everyone’s advice here. I recognize who he is and am acting accordingly. I’m trying to weigh out each step and be thoughtful in all I do, with him and with others. I certainly do not want to be abused or “played”. I know no other kind of husband except the one I have had. I’m trying to be mindful of everything and act wisely.
HopingToHeal…I know you are doing the best you can and my heart goes out to you. I still hurt after a very long time. I know how very difficult it is. I am so glad you know God and look to Him for support. Many blessings to you.
HopingToHeal,
I feel your pain in your words and I understand especially because of your daughter. Your faith in God for hope is vital for you and your daughter. It does not mean that you can’t pray for your husband, but from a distance. I know how hard it is to even get your arms around the fact that your spouse doesn’t even have respect for the “mother of his child”. I know that you can’t even imagine this. I couldn’t either until i totally separated myself from this man. He is not “confused”, he is not “stubborn”. He is causing you to be “confused”. God does not want us “yoked” with someone the devil has gotten hold of. let God work on him and you remove yourself and your daughter from the evil that has gotten hold of your spouse. I can tell you from personal experience now that I can clearly look back- I convinced myself that I was trying to save my family of 25 years and protect the family unit for us all especially my daughter but in the end the person I was trying to protect the most I ended up hurting the most by staying with him too long- MY DAUGHTER.
nomoretears2013…perfect words! Thank you for posting that wisdom to HopingtoHeal. I can say this because I have a friend who stayed with a very disordered man for 23 years and now her kids are messed up.
Nomoretears2013, Stargazer, SER, Kathleen
Thank you. I believe you and I’m really trying my best. Those are honest words. I want to be free of his control and manipulation and I am trying. In my earlier post I was making it clear that I am not playing a game. I’m living through the nightmare of being used and then discarded. I’m watching our life being torn apart. I hate it. But it doesn’t stop my love. Heck, I which it could, but it doesn’t. That would be easier.
I know who he is and his evil nature. I’m making decisions based on that. But God is in the picture, taking care of my daughter and me. My hope and faith lies in the fact that I don’t know God’s plan, but I know it will be the right way for me and my girl.
I hear such intensity in the words of all who share on this site. I hear your pain, and recognize how you never want anyone else to suffer in such a way. I’m grateful that you all care enough to steer me toward the light. You are strong survivors. And I will be too. I was just being honest about how I still feel for him and my hope in God. Mainly, I was stating that this is not a game to me.
I value the advice and direction of each of you. Nomoretears2013, your words of how God doesn’t want me yoked to an evil man is a very profound statement. Thank you! I battle myself over what God’s true will is in this situation. I know he doesn’t want my daughter and me abused.
I’m sorry that my above post evoked such emotion. I was just being honest about where I am. My brain is having a lot of trouble wrapping around all this. I’m following the suggested steps to get away. But I walk through things very timidly now. I’m not playing a game.
There must have been times when you all were confused and felt love for your Spath, and wondered where God was leading you. Yes, I have posted on here so I believe he’s a Spath. Yes, I’ve told terrible stories that were all true, but that’s the way my life has been forever, so I don’t respond to these events in a surprised manner. I know I should, but it’s the way I’ve been forced to live.
I don’t have a support system around me and have been greatly helped by you all. I’ll say again that I am doing my best. I’m just doing the best I can.
I felt love for my sociopath, but I didn’t know he was a sociopath or what one was even. When I found out, everything fell into place. All those red flags, benefit of the doubt when I should have trusted my instincts. So I was in love with him, but he PRETENDED love for me. In the end how can I love what isn’t even there? I don’t have support around me either. One of the frustrations is that most people don’t believe you. They haven’t suffered it. That’s why you need support on here.
HopingtoHeal,
I am going to suggest something that might be met with horror, by you, and by several people on this site. I don’t mean it as a way of devaluing your beliefs, or your source of strength. I mean it only to direct you back to yourself.
When I read your most recent posts it jumps out at me that you are always ‘other directed’. Focused on God, your husband, and your daughter. Though you can argue that God is inside you, I would argue that I am talking about the way you are posting about God, you are talking about forces outside of yourself, directing your life.
I know you are, in every moment, trying to do your best. I understand. And, sometimes our best isn’t so hot, right? We know, deep inside, that we are just barely eeking by, in terms of ‘our best’.
I submit to you that it is you who needs to decide which direction you will take, not someone or something outside of you. I submit you are being called, as it where, to take control of your own life, make hard decisions, cope with your anxiety/fear and confusion, and do the very hard thing of helping yourself.
You are being asked to give a darn, about YOURSELF. YOU.
This likely means you will have to let go of the person you may believe yourself to be…whatever your self image is. You may have to reframe your thinking about how God operates in your life. You may have to re-define what is true about marriage, about family, about life.
Please, love yourself. It is important.
Well, I can’t speak for others on this site, but personally I pray to God to guide and help me with everything in my life. Also to care for my family and friends whom I value. I don’t expect my life to be taken over by God as I feel you are suggesting. I am responsible for my life I know that. I have received lots of help and support from this site. We have to learn about evil people and how they dupe us and deal with it ourselves. No, please don’t devalue my belief in God. He is my heavenly father I need and pray to everyday. But I take responsibility for my actions in this case learning for myself how to deal with evil people with NO CONTACT, which I learnt from this site.
I wasn’t directing my comments to you Kathleen. I was speaking to hopingtoheal.
HopingToHeal_
You responded to my post by stating: “He’s NOT confused, just stubborn. Listening to the wrong person. I’m doing the best I can, and value everything I’ve learned here. He’s my husband and I love him. It’s not a game.”
It was not my intention to imply that your H is confused about anything…perhaps you’re looking at my user name?
You state: ” My husband doesn’t truly seek and hear God, and therefore there is no hope for a change in him, but I do seek and hear God and he can change me and lead me.” That’s a huge step towards healing…GOOD 4 U!
“I will no longer live with his lies, manipulating and cheating, but the doesn’t mean that my love for him is gone, or that my heart doesn’t wish it could be different. It’s a process. I’m doing the best I can,”
Most, if not all posters on this site either WISH or have given up on the WISH that their relationships were different (normal, loving. caring?). It’s impossible to make a wish come true when the wish depends upon someone or something else that’s beyond your control.
What do you wish for?…Think back to a time maybe 1-2 months before he left. Do you wish to live like that again?
What about life just one year ago…was your relationship based upon mutual love, honesty, & trust…or were you constantly on guard for signs of deceit? Be careful about what you wish for!
Do you really want to return to the actual daily relationship you shared…or desire/dream/wish for a healthy relationship that you (and everyone on this site) long for, but depends upon someone else changing his nasty behaviors? Perhaps during a time when you were blissfully ignorant of your partner’s true self you actually believed you had a great relationship…but now now you acknowledge how deceptive he has been.
Keep on writing…you’ll figure things out.
And…attend local support groups where you might develop a trustworthy friendship. Friend are a must!
I agree with you. We have to keep explaining that these evil people will (and can’t?) change and become normal. But keep explaining we will.
IMconfused, Slimone, Kathleen,
I know you are all correct. My mind tells me so and my reactions are thought through and address the issues in a logical manner as you all have taught me to.
But like you all said, I have trouble even thinking about what I really want and/or the awful way we had to live before he left. I feel guilty about thinking and acting with myself in mind. I guess what I”m trying to say is that I have been so abused that I feel like it doesn’t matter how I feel. And I see the only hope of breaking free is to concentrate on doing it for myself in order to free my child.
I’m going to spend this afternoon rereading all of your advice. I realize that sometime it take tough talk to make a person see the real picture. Thank you for trying to push me in that direction .
tough talk only comes from love. otherwise it’s just running my mouth 🙂
i figure it this way…no one is saying these things to u. especially in the Church — they do not get spaths. i have LIVED that confusion and ignorance that Believers have.
i say tough things only wen i think no one else is.
~hugs~
I need the tough talk from the survivors. Thanks aintgonnatakeitnomore!
I hate being tough with people. That’s why sociopaths target kind, generous people. Because we are that way we hate to see others suffer. Please believe us. We are on your side and want you to be free and in peace. Hugs from me too x
I know you feel like it doesn’t matter how you feel but it matters greatly and you are the only safe and resposible role model in your daughter’s life. So, “fake it until you make it” if you have to!!!
I can do that nomoretears2013. ” Fake it until I make it!”