Lovefraud received the following email from the reader who posts as “Saskgirl:”
I must say that your website is a lifesaver. It has helped me recover from a devastating relationship with a sociopath. It is amazing how many stories I read on your site and can totally identify with them. The people could be talking about the piece of garbage I was tangled up with.
I have been single for about a year and a half and have spent a lot of that time healing and working on me. I am ready to start dating (I think) but I’m afraid that it will be disastrous for me. I was so emotionally wrecked that I’m terrified of being there again. I don’t trust anyone and believe that just about every thing coming out of a man’s mouth is lies.
Now, I have met some men but have given them the brush off because my warning system went off. I am grateful for this because it has saved me a lot of drama. Unfortunately, I don’t have a good perception of what is “normal” dating. I married a narcissist and when I finally got rid of him, I was “lucky” enough to find a full-blown sociopath.
I have recently met a man whom I have opened up to slightly, but my spidey senses are tingling yet again. I understand the concept of love bombing, but I would like to know how I can define the fine line between genuine attraction and caring and love bombing. What is “normal” when it comes to texting and emailing? I haven’t a clue. I don’t want to go into details of why my senses are tingling ”¦ however it is increasing difficult to separate the wheat from the chaff. Not to mention very tiring ”¦
Your healing
Saskgirl,
Going from a narcissist to a sociopath what a nightmare. I am very glad that you are being cautious, and are listening to your “spidey senses.”
Quite honestly, if you are feeling fear about dating, you may not be ready to date. It may seem like you “should” be ready after a year and a half of working on yourself, but recovery is different for everyone, and it takes as long as it takes. You may need a bit more time. After all, you have at least three sets of emotional pain to recover from:
- Your involvement with the sociopath.
- Your marriage to the narcissist.
- A prior emotional injury that made you vulnerable to the narcissist in the first place.
In order to be truly ready for a healthy relationship, you need to be reasonably healed from all of these encounters. What that means is that you’ve reached the point where you have accepted that your partners really did what they did, that you were injured, but you’ve let go of emotional pain associated with the injuries.
Emotional recovery
Often, we can understand what happened on an intellectual level. In fact, that’s the first step in recovery. But accepting what happened on an emotional level is far more difficult. Our goal is to process the emotional injury, to get it out of our system. To do that, we need to allow ourselves to feel the pain. We need to cry, perhaps even kick and scream. (This is best done privately or with a therapist not at anyone, and certainly not at the sociopath.)
The hardest injury to recognize and address will be the original one. This could have come from a very early incident or relationship when you were a teenager, perhaps, or from your family of origin. Maybe you suffered abuse from a family member. Or perhaps you were picked on in school.
But sometimes your early life was good, or at least good enough, yet you still fell into a bad situation. This happened to me. My parents loved me and did their best I know that. But somehow I acquired the belief that I was not worthy of love just for who I was. I felt undeserving. These mistaken beliefs were my vulnerability.
(The Red Flags of Lovefraud Workbook can help you uncover your vulnerabilities. It’s a skinny little workbook of checklists and questions to ask yourself. Available in the Lovefraud Store.)
I promise you, the recovery work will enable you to find and experience a relationship that will be much more loving and satisfying than you have ever imagined. When you are whole, it is much easier for you to recognize and enjoy wholeness in another person.
Back to dating
So, when you’re ready, how do you go about finding someone to date?
It’s probably best to stay away from online dating. Yes, everyone does it. I even did it, after the sociopath. And yes, I do know people who have found relationships, and have gotten married, through online dating. But I think dating sites and social media sites have gotten worse than when I used them 12 years ago. They are rife with predators. Why take the risk?
I recommend meeting people the old-fashioned way through work, recreational interests, community activities, introductions by friends and family members. If you’re emotionally healthy and open, you’ll just run into possible connections as you live your life.
Email and texts
Suppose you meet someone who expresses an interest in you, and keeps in touch via text and email. If the amount of texts and emails you receive make you feel pressured, then it is too much. What do you do?
If you are not really interested in the guy, you end the involvement. If you are interested in the guy after all, he, too, may be unsure of the appropriate amount of contact you gently express your feelings and see what happens. If he backs off, fine. If he backs off temporarily and then ramps up the messages again, it could mean he is either needy or controlling, neither of which you want.
Real love
How can you tell if a relationship is healthy? Here is the secret: Real love is easy. Real love grows at an easy pace. It does not feel rushed or pressured. There is excitement, but not drama. Promises are kept and no games are played. There is no power struggle.
Real love feels like a warm blanket shared by the two of you. It’s cozy. It’s comfortable.
If you do not feel comfortable with a particular involvement, move on and don’t panic. Eventually the right opportunity will arrive.
I am inspired by all the stories here. You have all helped me to heal SO much faster than I would have without you, especially you Donna! Anyway, I can relate to a “passion diminishing” because of an ex-spath. I am very involved in my church, on the drama team doing elaborate plays, sing on the praise team etc. It is my life outside of work and my passion. My ex stayed away while I had the restraining order but as soon as it ran out he showed up again. He shows up at EVERYTHING that he knows I will be there. Here is the biggie. We had a marriage conference this past weekend. I am getting married to another guy in the church in October so we went to it. There were about 25 couples there along with ONE SINGLE PERSON. Yep you guessed it my EX!!!! It caused a lot of discomfort for everyone. I started to leave when I saw him and thought, “Nope, I haven’t done anything wrong”. I am determined NOT to let him see me upset or uncomfortable and he hasn’t. BUT it certainly has diminished my enjoyment of everything. He KNOWS that even if he can’t see a reaction. I wish there was an answer. I kept thinking he might find another church because really that church means NOTHING to him, it’s to bother me I have no doubt at all. When we first split up he said in the front row at every performance of a play we did last year, 3 performances. That was part of the way I got the restraining order along with copies of ridiculous emails he had sent me. If anyone has any suggestions I would love to hear them!
Linette,
Ignore the good for nothing!!!! hold your head high, and pretend he is a fly on the wall!!! Let him make a fool of himself because as Donna has said these people lead largely wasted lives. Tell yourself you are gracious because YOU choose to be magnanimous….. Congratulations on your wedding….here’s hoping you have a blast with all the prep and can remember that you don’t mind ’cause he does not matter.
Linette,
It’s so important to protect yourself emotionally, whatever that looks like. If it means going to a different church, this is what it may come down to. Or you can find some way to detach emotionally from him so the sight of him will not make you come undone. Both of these things are possible if you have worked through all the feelings. If you haven’t, no amount of distance will change the attachment. There are some very astute professionals out there who can help you get to the cause of the attachment, and there are others who can help you break the psychic bonds between you and him. For me, I knew I had to stop going to the salsa clubs, but the pull was so strong I resisted for a long time. Of course, he was part of my desire to go. Eventually, my inner peace became more important than even my passion for salsa dancing. I just couldn’t take the pain and anxiety anymore. I’m not angry. I’m just moving on. You can only bang your head against a wall so long.
It gets easier when you take responsibility for your own feelings and reactions. Because you are the only one who can change them. If your mood is dependent on whether a sociopath shows up or not, you’re screwed. Because it is their job and evolutionary function to f*ck things up!
Thank you everyone very much for the comments and advice. I have NO feelings of love or attachment over this person. I should have mentioned that. I wish he could be different for himself and for his family and for all the people he will probably hurt in the future and I hate to see the people at church being uncomfortable. Those are the main things. AND I can’t really control them right? Either one of them. If I went to a different church they would still be “creeped out” by him because he has revealed his true self by the stalking. Wow, writing that really helped! He DOES know if he crosses the line again I WILL get a restraining order so he refrains from writing me or calling me. SO SO glad I did that. I have had to cut myself off from his family (kids and mother, siblings etc.) because it is just too difficult for all of us with me still in the picture, at least I feel that way. I miss them but wasn’t TOO attached because most are so much like him. They aren’t full blown like him but were RAISED by him and so they aren’t that much of a delight to be with LOL. Anyway, please any further advice is so welcome and just to be able to talk to people who understand makes ALL the difference in the world!!!
One of my favorite tactics to combat my ex is every time he does something outlandish I repeat the phrase, That’s so him. And move on. No shock. No outrage. And no more power for him over me!
I wish we had a “like” button 🙂
Mkar – that’s terrific! You’ve reached rolling-your-eyes and shaking-your-head stage – that’s the place of healing!
So for those who have followed my story about the salsa guy, I wanted to give you all an update. I went NC about a month ago, not only with him, but also with all of our mutual friends whom I am going on a cruise with in November. (Yes, the situation is complicated). As a reminder, none of these people are spaths nor are they disordered. He just does not want to get romantically involved with me. It took me a year to find out because he was very confused and gave me a lot of mixed messages.
I have filled my life with other people, places, and things, and I’m doing well, but something is missing. Even though I’m NC, I miss dancing with him terribly. He was/is my favorite dance partner of all time. I know he misses me too. I also miss our friends and they miss me too. This is ridiculous. I don’t know if avoidance is the right thing to do – it’s not really helping. I may need to take a different tactic. I may need to just try and be his friend without any expectations. He may even have a gf by now. If I can just accept that he doesn’t want me romantically, I can keep him and all my friends in my life and still have fun on the cruise.
Jealousy has been one of my biggest issues. This is what I need to work with right now. It is really getting in my way of happiness. All these imagined scenarios……it’s a very bad habit. I’m praying for help in overcoming this.
Edit: A few hours after I typed this and this latest round of addiction seems to have passed. I’m good without him. 🙂 For now.
Stargazer,
I have followed your story.I know how much you enjoy salsa dancing;and dancing with J.I’m not sure what to say,except that clearly a break is necessary so that you can get over him.That takes time.There will be good days and bad days.Whenever a void is created,it must be filled.
Another update to my salsa drama saga:
I went NC from the salsa guy J for over a month or so. Last night, I decided to go back to the club to reclaim my dance space. My passion for dance has been returning, so I decided to face my demons. It is ridiculous to run away from him because no matter where I go, even to towns that are an hour and a half away, EVERYONE knows EVERYONE, and they all know him. So there is really no escape.
So…….I went there. I met up with my good friend Richard (one of my favorite dance partners and a true friend). Richard was there for moral support, but turns out I didn’t need it. My dance card was SO full that J hovered around me (per his usual) most of the night. But there was constantly some guy pulling me out onto the floor. I was wearing a gorgeous elegant blue dress and had extensions in my hair. I looked really good. When I finally caught up with J, he came over while I was talking to Richard. I hugged J and we exchanged pleasantries for 10 seconds before someone asked me to dance. Just by pure default, I did not dance with J once! It was a first. And you know what? I didn’t miss it at all. I did NOT wake up craving him and missing him. I think I’m on the road to recovery. I also decided to return to my Thursday class where J goes. It’s just him and one other couple. Aside from the fact that I will be dancing with him in the class, I will be getting a lot of private instruction from my teacher there. He’s giving me a highly discounted price because I am his apprentice. I decided to just dance with J, but not to let him get in the way of my dance space. From now on, he is just one of my dance partners and “someone that I used to know.”
The other deeper part is that I’ve been processing deeper layers of the hurt with him. Last week I realized he hadn’t called me in a month, and another wave of pain hit. I suddenly felt the connection between J and my biological father who pretty much disappeared out of my life after the divorce when I was 6. I never felt the pain and disappointment of that. Like the salsa guy, my father is tall and big and has the same body type as J and even the same shaped face. He has also had two failed marriages, both of them where the wives left, just like J. I made the connection. Now I can grieve over my father’s abandonment. It’s a slow process. And I feel grateful to J for being the catalyst in my healing. This is the reason he was brought into my life – perhaps this and also to pull me through the low-confidence phase of salsa where I would have given up and dropped out. He is not only helping me to face my demons but because of him, I am the dancer I am today.
My dating career continues…….I had another date with one of the guys who is very interested in me. I’m considering a relationship with him. He really really likes me and he treats me like a queen. But his remote location and the fact that I’m not very physically attracted to him are of concern. Other than that, he is a wonderful man with stellar character. Another guy I started dating is a Pulitzer Prize winning reporter for the city newspaper. (It’s pretty ironic because I don’t even read or watch the news…..lol). He invited me to a big party the other night and told me to bring friends. I brought my friend Richard (making it clear we were only friends). Richard and I ended up doing a few salsa demos and teaching a few people how to dance. It was a blast. I have also become friends with a very famous singer in Colorado who is one of my all-time favorite performers. She is going to give me voice coaching in exchange for salsa lessons. At this point I may decide to start singing again, maybe get into another band. My social life is very full. I’m often double-booked for parties and events and have to pick and choose. This is a change from a few years ago where I would sit home alone every night and play myself at Scrabble.
So…….my life is gradually improving. Never thought I’d get to this point where I’d start to break the addiction from J. It was so painful at times. I felt there was no way out. Now I see the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m not completely out of the woods.
I think I’m now ready to go on the salsa cruise in November with all of these people – J and our former friends. I think I can handle being around them, because there will be 2000 people on this cruise ship, and I will meet a LOT of men.
This is an update on my life after the addictive infatuation to the salsa guy.
I wish you all peace and continued healing! If I can do it, ANYONE can.
For the newer members here, I’m 5 years post-sociopath but I still struggle with dating mistakes. I do believe I am learning and growing from all of these dating experiences. Here is the latest. It’s a long story but may be worth the read for anyone who is also out there dating in their 50’s.
In November, I had just returned from a salsa dancing cruise (whole other story) to a message on Facebook from a guy I’ll call D who had been in my dating rotation since last March.
History: He is 49, never married and a bit of a party boy. For the record, I’m 53 and never married. I met him last winter through a mutual friend who is a very famous entertainer in town. The famous singer hosted a karaoke night. He saw me singing and dancing and asked her about me. She showed me his picture, and I thought, “meh”. Just average looking guy. Though I didn’t meet him in person, we eventually became friends on Facebook and had some very hilarious and fun conversations through private messages. I had gone to a concert with my salsa crush in June. Coincidentally, D had gone too, so we had this in common. In one conversation, I was planning to meet him and asked how I would recognize him. He said he was the one who was “fallicly challenged.” (I think he meant bald). So I asked “you mean ‘follicly challenged or phallicly challenged? There’s a difference”. “FOLLICLY” he said. “Stupid autocorrect”. LOL This became an ongoing joke for us – it was SO funny. I could take him or leave him at that point. So it was just for fun and flirting. At the time, I was still infatuated with the salsa guy. As some of you know, that went nowhere.
FIRST DATE WITH D LAST SUMMER: After many missed karaoke nights where one of us was busy, D had just gotten tickets to a Styx concert at an outdoor venue and had an extra. He invited me on the spur of the moment. It would be our first date. I was very excited because Styx was my favorite band in college. We had a hilarious exchange on FB where he told me to look for the purple Porsche with flames on the sides lol. This became another inside joke for us. I enjoyed meeting him for the first time and hanging out with him and his friends at the show. But I didn’t feel very invested. He made it a point to tell me he was single and available. I thought “meh. Maybe”. I knew he was a party boy and way more social than me. He also smokes weed and seems to like to drink a lot. A grown-up party boy. Not a great match for me. But we had a good time, a peck on the lips afterward and a continued correspondence on FB. Every few weeks he’d write me. We kept trying to get together but were both so busy. He would be at a music festival or out on his boat. I’d be at the salsa club or at some party. He couldn’t make my birthday party because he was working a second job. Etc., etc. But he never failed to stay in touch. I knew he really liked me. But he was not on my list of priorities. Still he was quite likable and a really fun guy.
SECOND DATE A BIG ONE: In early November, I’d gotten back from a salsa cruise. My salsa crush was there along with many other of our group. He never danced with me and it was quite painful. But I managed to still have a good time there. When I got back, there was a message on FB from the new guy asking me if I wanted to go on a motorcycle ride on his new motorcycle. I wrote back saying that I’d been on a cruise in the Bahamas. As luck would have it, he was on his way to Florida to see his family. He told me he had bought a cruise on a Groupon deal and needed to use it. Then he said, “Sure wish I had a pretty girl to go with me.” I said, “Oh I’m sure you’ll meet lots of pretty girls in Florida….”
A few days later…..I was thinking about his message and realizing he was inviting me on the cruise. Having just returned from one back to the bitter cold Denver, and after having been burned one last time by the salsa guy, I started thinking how great it would be to go back to FL for another cruise. I wrote D back. On a total whim, I said, “Boy I sure wish I could go on that cruise with you.” He wrote me back immediately….”I’m buying your ticket right now.” This guy paid for my plane fare, cab fare to and from the airport, and covered all my expenses for 4 days. There was a night in Miami, and a day afterwards at the FL keys with his friends. I went and had a blast. I did not have sex with him, and he never pressured me, and I knew he wouldn’t. I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I just knew I would have a blast with him. He drank and smoked weed the whole time (I didn’t), but I just let him be who he was – it was just a fun extended date, and he showed me a great time. We did kiss and cuddle a lot, and this was exactly what I needed. It really helped me to get over the salsa guy. Our date ended when he dropped me off at the airport and stood there giving me this passionate kiss. I was so discombobulated that I forgot my suitcase and had to run back for it. LOL
NOW WHAT HAPPENS? This guy really impressed me in many ways in spite of the party mentality, and I really liked him. We were both still checking it out. We are very different. He did treat me very well. He even bought me clothes, which is the quickest way to my heart! But we’d still kept it cool and casual, though I think I impressed him too. We continued to call each other on our cells throughout our travels home and for the next week after we arrived. He wanted to see me again to give me a postcard he’d carried around for me. That was the excuse anyway.
HOW IT ENDED: Here is where it went wrong. I got scared. So I played hard to get (first mistake). I put off seeing him for a week. I was genuinely busy and it was the week of Thanksgiving. When I finally made it to his house to watch a ball game, it was exactly a week since our last night in Florida. This was enough time for my imagination to run wild about what a player he probably was (even though I know he hadn’t been with anyone for a year). He was very proud of his little home, his cooking, and his three cats. It was very comfortable. This guy is very successful owning a seasonal business. It’s off season for his business, so he just parties and travels for 6 months. He has so much zest for life – it was intoxicating how excited he is about his life. And also intimidating. I was scared and insecure and terrified of rejection. We were making out on the sofa having a beer. When suddenly he made a reference to me spending the night. It was a rather sexual reference. If his approach had been different, I would have spent the night. But instead, I suddenly leaped up. I said some things about needing to have a boyfriend before sex was involved. He felt insulted, thinking I was accusing him of using me for sex. It was all a huge miscommunication with a mixture self-protection. I ran out and drove home, sat in my car and cried. I was not ready for this man. It was too much for me. I called him and told him I could not do casual sex. BUT IT WASN’T WHAT I MEANT TO SAY. I DIDN’T REALLY KNOW WHAT I MEANT – IT’S JUST HOW IT CAME OUT. He told me he wasn’t really looking for a girlfriend. Stalemate. He stopped calling me after that. But I did contact him a few times. I wanted to have one serious conversation where I spoke my mind. Our whole relationship up till then had been a party. But we never had the talk, and I am very angry with myself that I communicated so poorly and never said what I needed to. Eventually, I called him one last time, and he told me he was seeing someone else. Game over.
THE LESSONS: In retrospect, he probably was not right for me, and my intuition to protect myself was probably on the money. But I wish I’d spent that night with him, and I wish I’d had the wherewithal to ask him for exactly what I wanted instead of running away. I learned some very important things from him.
1. TO KNOW WHAT I WANT FROM A MAN. I’ve had to really think about this. I have these lofty ideals about what I want. My ideals protect me but they also keep me in a box sometimes. I am reevaluating my ideas about romance, sex, and intimacy, to make them something realistic and workable in the real world.
2. D taught me about being passionate about life. He is so involved with life – ski trips, concerts, dinners with friends……. I want to be more like him. To do this, I need to really step up my game and face all my fears and self-limiting thoughts. I don’t think I particularly need the drugs and alcohol, but I want more fun in my life. I’m so grateful to him for teaching me these lessons. I also learned to have the guts to call a guy and ask him where I stand so I can have closure. I didn’t do this with the last few and I longed and pined for them for a long time. This time, it’s a clean break, and I feel myself moving on. The next time will be better. *I* will be better. I will know what I want and I will communicate it better. I refuse to have a life without fun, romance, and sex, all because I’m attached to some sort of pictures about what a romance is supposed to look like.
I have gone through a lot of anger toward myself for how I handled the situation. But coming out of it, I feel ready for someone better. And BTW, the salsa guy is history! I went out dancing for the first time in 6 weeks on Thursday. I went to a different town where J never goes. What are the chances J was the DJ that night????? But I just danced all night and ignored him. It was great. I know I will probably never dance with him again, and I’m okay with it. I actually went up and said hello to him and hugged him. I saw the fear in his eyes and felt his hesitance. His issue, not mine. He lost me, and it was his loss.
At 32 I now firmly believe that men are grossly overrated and romantic love is but one more weapon in the sexist arsenal against women. It serves to hold women back from our true potential and happiness, molding us into emotionally dependent and vulnerable people when we SHOULD be free wheeling, independent and confident beings. Not all men are psychopaths or narcissists but a whole lot of them are. Even “nice” guys will never love as deeply as women do and they do not do the bulk of the child rearing. Think well ladies think for yourself. If you don’t want to date you do not have to.
Lagoreousmujer,
As someone who has had many romantic relationships, I see the truth in what you are saying. At 56, I have come to realize that a woman can have a wonderful life with or without a man. And it is only when we realize that we are okay alone that we can be ready to attract the kind of man who will be an asset in our lives. It’s all about choice. But we don’t have to be perfect and completely healed to enjoy the benefit of a great relationship.
Because I have early childhood trauma, relationships have always been very difficult for me – even friendships. But I have come to realize that a good relationship can actually be healing. It requires a strong commitment on both parts and a very wise understanding of how the healing process works and how to be present. We must also have impeccable communication skills to be able to ask for what we want and need from our partner and to be able to hear “no” sometimes. In the end, it’s all about choice. We choose every day whether we want to be with this person. There is something very comforting about making a commitment – it frees up all our energy that we once spent analyzing whether the relationship is right for us. We can then roll up our sleeves and get down to the work of healing with the help of our partner (and helping him heal) and building a life together.
I dropped out of grad school in the mid-80’s where I was studying Counseling Psychology. Just for the hell of it, I googled two of my old grad school friends. They had just married in ’84 and were having a lot of problems. They were always fighting. They were also working on their PhD’s in Counseling Psychology. This required them to be meticulous about doing their own psychological work. I was very intrigued to see that 30 years later, they are traveling around the country teaching couples how to help each other heal early childhood trauma. It is so tricky that there are actually workshops that teach it! I wish I could take (or give) one of those workshops because I had to learn the hard way – and still learning – how to ask for what I need when I’m in pain.
Most childhood trauma is caused by men anyway. I was born in 84 and I saw what my biological mother and adoptive mother went through with men and was puzzled as to why they even wanted one. They didn’t understand my promiscuity as a teen and i didn’t understand their lack of self value and how they believed they had love when it was anything but. Then from 18 to 26 i tried the good girl life before becoming an escort which I still do. I found most men to be emotionally constipated, selfish and entirely sexual. Many are psychopathic and narcissistic. In the last six years ic e tried again in a few very short relationships but went running when I Realized they were shitty too.im not afraid to be single. Women need to stop being brainwashed by culture and media into believing that men are something they are not and then using cognitive dissonance to stay with them. Romantic love doesn’t exist. Men don’t think or feel like we do. Use them for money, sex, fun whatever. But love? No way.
Lagorgeousmujer – I absolutely do not agree with the statement that childhood trauma is caused by men. I’ve heard from many people who were traumatized by their mothers.
I haven’t deleted your comment, but I will say that your generalization is unwarranted. There are many good men in the world, and many men who have been harmed by sociopathic women.
why cant childhood trauma be caused by men? my grandfather molested me repeatedly growing up and my sperm donor denied me in court. I was totally traumatized by “men” and also my grandmother who allowed it to happen to MANY family members and to my mother who gave me up only to get me back 6 years later into this nightmare. So we can be traumatized by both. My personal opinion
HI I also have had a troubled childhood, married a controlling person (Cant say he was disordered, not sure) & a sociopath. I have been away from the Sociopath for 5 years now, and after about 2 years I started dating – unsuccessfully & then went the self destructive path and thought all men were the same, and only good for a good time. I did this for about a year until I realised how empty it left me & was just happy on my own & looking after my family. And I was happy.
Then about 8 months ago, I started dating a widower friend of mine, and he is a true gentleman, 13 years older – I’m 47 hes 60. But I am finding I am having problems with understanding normal behaviour – If he says something about something, and trust me it can be anything, I get very defensive & dissect it to try and figure out what he is critisising about me! I know this is me, I am not being cognitive dissonance, I am over sensitive about a lot of things, and dont know how to stop it. I have spoken to my friends whom I have known my whole life & they can see it is something I need to address, but I dont know how to. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. thanks in advance. xxx
Since I dont know the guy or what exactly hes said its hard to tell. Sensitivity is possible but its more likely that something is actually wrong. I say this because in the past the times I thought I was being oversensitive was because there was something actually wrong but society tries to have women not trust their instincts and to think they need a man for fulfillment. Dont criticize yourself but rather spend time alone analyzing the relationship to see if he is a covert a hole or not.
Im 58 married in 2014 to a sociopath. Now that we are divorced. I use to struggle with relationships as well. Still working on the healing but not scared to try.I think I got cold feet once or twice but if it doesn’t feel right , i know now from being part of the LOVE FRAUD group since the beginning of this year , that i feel confident that i will always be guarded when i should have been in the beginning.I should have gone into relationship slow and easy , but I let my guard down for a charismatic British man who by all counts appeared to be a dream come true. I should have trusted my instincts but now i’m more informed. Dating shouldn’t have to be so hard but it is. I went back to college to keep my mind off the lonely and miserable phase of the after effects of breaking away from a sociopath. Its a working progress but its working for me.
Im with you, much older and after a rotten childhood, a narcopath long term relationship and menopause I have absolutely no desire to date, I know I am scared to death to put my heart in someone elses hands, but I think its gonna have to take a very strong, patient man to be able to break down the walls I have. I am in therapy and have come so far and now I feel like “now what” to scared to make anymore changes???