John Allen Muhammad, the D.C. Sniper, will die by lethal injection tomorrow.
John Allen Muhammad and his teenaged accomplice, Lee Boyd Malvo, terrorized the Washington, D.C. area for three weeks in October 2002. In the end, 10 people were dead and three were wounded. The victims, selected at random, were shot while doing mundane chores like pumping gas and loading Halloween decorations into a car.
I’m sure you remember the terror of the killings. But you may not realize that the killing spree was an escalation of a child custody battle.
Psychological abuse
Mildred Muhammad, the ex-wife of John Allen Muhammad, spoke at the Battered Mothers Custody Conference in Albany last January. Her story was compelling—and heartbreaking.
Mildred was married to Muhammad for 12 years, and they had three children together. Muhammad served in the Gulf War and when he returned, he became abusive.
“His behavior turned to possessiveness,” Mildred said. “I couldn’t do anything right. He was trained in psychological warfare—he was a combat engineer—and he used me as his guinea pig.”
Muhammad didn’t hit her, but inflicted psychological abuse. “Every emotion I displayed, he used against me,” Mildred said. Finally, in 1999, she asked for a divorce.
Kidnapped children
Before, during and after their divorce, Muhammad threatened to kill Mildred. He drained their bank account and kidnapped the children, taking them to Antigua for 18 months. Mildred was forced to hide in a women’s shelter for eight months in the Tacoma, Washington area.
She could not afford legal representation. So while in the women’s shelter, Mildred taught herself the law so she could represent herself. Eventually the children were located. Mildred went to court, won her case and was awarded full custody. Then she fled across the country to Maryland.
Muhammad found her. And, Mildred says, that’s why he went on the killing spree. Muhammad planned to kill her, and the rest of the murders were an elaborate ruse to cover up her murder. She would just be another of the random victims, and he could show up as the grieving ex-husband, and claim the children.
Want to win
When John Allen Muhammad was brought to trial, the prosecutor put forth Mildred’s contention that the killing spree was intended cover up the eventual death of his ex-wife. The court, however, ruled that there was insufficient evidence to support the argument.
But after all the stories I’ve heard from Lovefraud readers, I think it’s totally plausible. Sociopaths want to win. Nothing else matters to them. I believe John Allen Muhammad was willing to kill 10 innocent people, at random, just to get his way.
If ever there was a case that demonstrated the lengths a sociopath will go to in order to win, this is it.
No conscience
According to the Richmond Times-Dispatch, Muhammad’s lawyers filed an appeal with the U.S. Supreme Court last week, claiming that the killer is mentally ill and delusional.
But Paul Ebert, the Virginia prosecutor who won Muhammad’s death sentence, said, “This guy had absolutely no conscience. He killed people just like they were flies.”
Mildred also does not believe that her ex-husband is mentally ill.
Support for other victims
Mildred has written a book about her ordeal called Scared Silent. She has also founded an organization in Maryland to support survivors of domestic violence called After the Trauma.
“I started After the Trauma because of my own personal domestic violence experience and thought of all the other women in similar situations who need day-to-day assistance, as I did,” Mildred writes on her website. “After the Trauma is women who are transitioning from a domestic violence situation and are ready to take the next step into ”˜freedom.’”
Like many of us here at Lovefraud, Mildred Muhammad has been through an incredible ordeal. And like many of us, she emerged on the other side stronger, and willing to help others along the path to healing.
FYI: The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints is the same thing as mormon. Mormon is just the nick-name.
Jill, can I jump in with a big hug here, I’ve been reading since I got in from work a couple of hours ago(work!!!I got a job!!! oh yeah look at me go!…ahem)x.I am really sorry you are having a crap day:( xx Lots of love to you lady.x
Just because I think this is a troll; Allah means ‘god’, and whatever you call it, or feel it, there is no fear there in my book.x speakin from a spiritual of no abode point of view:)x
I’ve been gone for a few days, and just checked in and read this thread. First, I want to send healing energy to everyone who’s been discombobulated by this exchange. And, as a professional communicator, I’m offering some feedback on what’s been going on. (No one asked for my feedback, so take it for what it’s worth.)
Someone in the thread mentioned their confusion about whether sincere compliments could be wrong to say. And I may have created some of that confusion in previous posts.
If we have a need for reassurance, a compliment can feel like a very good thing. More than that, it can feel like a sort of medicine for our lack of self-confidence. It can make us feel stronger and sort of “filled in” where we felt a little empty before.
So it really depends on our needs. But the risk of compliments — and the reason they become less important or sometimes even unwanted as we get stronger — is that they are judgments about us. That is, they are other people’s opinions. If we are feeling needy, those opinions may make us feel better, but they can also trigger our feelings of insecurity or inadequacy, if they push the wrong button. If we are feeling stronger, we may find them intrusive, something like getting unasked-for advice.
The same problem exists with unasked-for advice. Unless we know exactly what kind of feedback or suggestions another person is looking for, we risk sounding like we’re judging them or like we don’t think they’re competent to make their own decisions.
The really dangerous combination is compliments and unasked-for advice. Depending on we are with our healing, this can be fine. People who are in the early stages of trying to figure out what happened to them and struggling with self-destructive or self-hating thoughts or behaviors are often grateful for clear judgments and advice. But once they move into the “angry phase,” which may not be angry all the time but is involved with boundary-building and experimentation with judging and blaming, they become a lot more self-protective and resistant to be judged or told what to do, even by the most experienced or well-intentioned person.
The angry phase is when we really start to get well. But it doesn’t mean that we’re invulnerable. We’re building invulnerability — that is being our own authorities — but until we’re pretty advanced, we’re still prone to fear of other people hurting us (or viewing other people as just as sensitive as we are). So we can get all involved in protecting each other and trying to protect ourselves at the same time, while we’re also trying to be more assertive and self-referenced.
As long as we’re all going through this, there is really no way to avoid the kind of tangles that appeared in this thread. But there are some things we can do to make them less likely.
One of the most important is to talk about ourselves, rather than other people. If we’re reacting to something someone else said, it’s better to talk about what it means to us, rather than talking about that person. If we have thoughts about the other person, it’s better to characterize them clearly as related to the way we see things, how we do things, what has worked for us.
This is a place for mutual support, and in getting through our recoveries, our definition of mutual support changes. There was a time in my recovery when I needed some one to give me permission to think and feel the way I did. I wasn’t sure if I was justified in feeling hurt or entitled to feel angry. Later in my recovery, I needed to hear that my judging and boundary-building were good things, and that I wasn’t becoming a permanently angry person. Later I needed to be comforted as I went through the process of letting go of illusions and beliefs about my ex, myself and other things that came up. Later, I needed encouragement as I was rebuilding my life. Later, I needed honest feedback as I began to reach out to share what I’d learned with other people, because at that point I was building something outside myself and I needed to know how I was doing.
My point in going through my progression of needs is that the only things that hit home at any given point where what I needed then. The other things simply rolled off my back or, occasionally, upset me.
I know that most of us are so engaged in our own healing and the challenges it creates that we can’t always stop to think about what the other person needs or, even better, to ask them. We want and need to express ourselves. And one of the very good reasons for that is because we need to articulate our thinking as it’s evolving. To say, as I believe Skylar said, what we need to hear. In a way, we’re all practicing being who we want to be when we come through this.
Which brings me to the second thing that really helps in these situations. If someone is triggered, what they need more than anything else is acknowledgment and caring interest. Not apologies. Not explanations. Especially if we don’t really understand what triggered them. Saying something like, “Wow, you sound really upset. You said it was about this. Can you talk about it more so we understand?” give that person a chance to talk it out and clarify for his or herself what is really going on.
To do this, we have to let go of our own insecurities and feelings of responsibility for other people’s feelings, and just focus on them. It also gives us the opportunity to relate to how they feel. “That sounds like I felt when this happened to me…”
When one of these situations occurs, and the insecurities and blaming behavior start snowballing, we may have to do this with several people, but it’s worth it. Because each of those people get a chance to talk about their own triggers, and hopefully begin to work them out for themselves. And for those of us who are conscious and untriggered enough to facilitate them, it’s good practice in letting other people have their own feelings without feeling like it’s about us.
I know that may sound very odd. After all if they’re blaming us, it must be about us. But the truth is, it’s not. It’s about them and something that’s going on inside of them. If I trigger someone else’s feelings, the best thing I can do (assuming that person isn’t so threatened or angry that all communication is cut off) is to ask for more information. To explore what’s going on. So we both are clear about what the issue is — not just what I did, but more importantly what was triggered.
If we can ultimately get to the point where I said, “Now I understand what happened and I understand why you got so upset,” and the other person can say, “Now I understand why I was so upset, and it really wasn’t about you at all,” it’s over. And more than that, we’ve probably bonded through the process in a good way.
So as usual, a long post. But I hope there’s something useful in here.
Kathy
,
I have some thoughts on compliments. The reason why I compliment is a good one. Despite the rest of my family and certain ways she was taught to think, my mom was an extremely good mom and person. I believed her when she told me she had no idea I was being raped by my brother. She was a very loving person. There were over 1,000 people at her funeral in the town of 40,000 where I grew up. Part of it is because my parents are well known in this community. She was a semi-famous (in the Western region of the US) artist who was extremely successful in her art career. She was named Woman of the Year in my city and my dad is a city councilman. Not everything about my family was dysfunctional, just most. I lost the only good thing about my family when she died. I lost my very best friend in the whole world and this is the anniversary of her death, a couple of weeks ago. I’ve been thinking about her a lot. Anyway, she taught me some great things because she was such a loving woman who helped so, so many people through numerous ways. She was named one of the top 8 people who make a difference out of the whole STATE where I grew up. Anyway, when I was in Jr. High, I specifically remember some advice she gave me that I try my hardest to live by because I think it’s profound. I was telling her something good about a friend of mine and she asked me if I had told this friend this is how I feel. I told her I had not. She then told me that I should and I should NEVER hold back a compliment. She said that there are enough people in the world who only say things to put people down and that I should do my best to counter-act this by telling the person every single time I think something good about them. My compliments are sincere and the motivation is deeply personal and loving. Now you can understand where I’m coming from a little bit more.
Thank you Kathy.
I would like to add that these painful situations often occur when some predator or troll comes to Lovefraud to stir the pot. That is why it is so important not to engage them. Some people may enjoy poking at the snake, but the entire exercise creates negative energy that affects all the other exchanges. Then we end up with misunderstandings and hurt feelings.
So please, you see someone who you feel is here to cause trouble, please report an abusive comment and then ignore that person.
Our process did not work last night. I received no abusive comment reports.
Dear Jill,
Great big Hug from me too, and all you guys and gals!
I read a book years ago written in the 1800s by this young woman who was the like 20th wife of the 2nd prophet out in Utah (CRS with NAMES) and she told how she had been forced to marry him when she was a teenager and how he was an OLD man at the time. He put her to work as
FREE labor with some of his other wives on a remote dairy farm.
If she had refused to marry him, the Prophet would have had a “vision” that her father would have had to go on a missionary mission (at his own expense of course) and with multiple wives and kids left behind to have no support.
I have several friends who are of that faith, and THEY are good people, but there were also “good people” drank the poson in Jonestown too. I’m sure “Rev” Tony Alamo’s followers that gave him their 9 year old daughters as his plural wives also might have been deceived by his “speaking directly with god” I know it is not funny, in any way, when ANY belief system is used to force people to do things against their sense and will in order to be “pleasing to god”–AS INTERPRETED BY SOMEONE ELSE.
My “fundamentalist” upbringing was not a great deal less emotionally harsh than yours, but at least I did not have to wear the “underware.” When I started investigating what I DID believe, and removed the barriers to a SPIRITUAL relationship with my view of God, it actually made me have a stronger faith than before. I read the Bible with NEW eyes now. Without the angry, harsh prejudice and confusion I had before due to how I was taught.
I got a new appreciation for hypocracy in many “relilgous” people who try to preach their gospel at the point of an emotional spear. or an emotional club. Radicals of any sect of any religion who are willing to “convert” others at bayonet point scare me. Whether that is literal or figurative.
9/11 was caused by people who viewed anyone who was not their religion as less than human. this is not a new idea, it has been around for a long time during the days when one group would burn the others at the stake (depending on who the king believed was right). Probably going back to pre-history.
I’m glad you have a support group for this emotional abuse you suffered at the hands of your family in that aspect. I think you are on a solid path to healing Jill, you have all your ducks in a row! (((hugs))))
Kathy,
Thanks for this. There is a lot to learn from in your post and it rings true for me. I have been flustered at the fact that I can feel so strong one minute and be good at drawing boundaries and letting things bounce off, then BOOM! Out of nowhere, I am triggered and feel attacked. It’s so frustrating because I have never dealt with this before the P. I think it might have something to do with PTSD. What do you think? I wasn’t like this before, and I was abused as a child. Why am I going through such a different process this time around? Why is what happened with my P so much more devestating to my life and self-identity than what my brother did to me? Was I numb before?
Your post gives me hope, because if I interpret it correctly, the fact that I finally have gotten to the anger stage and felt that emotion I was to taught to suppress my whole life, might actually be a good thing and mean I’m healing. This is a positive thing for me to focus on because I’m so scared of anger. I’m scared of the feeling. I hate it. It feels foreign and out of control. Anyway, I learned a lot about myself from your post and I think it’s very true.
I think I was so sensitive to Kim because I have said on the board so many times that my area of focus is on getting stronger and re-building my crushed self-esteem. It took a lot to analyze myself like this and a lot of courage to admit this to others. That’s why I think I felt attacked when Kim said, “I’m certainly not saying you are a bad person”You’re not. But I think you have some real self esteem problems.” I interpreted it as, “You have some real problems”, in a not-nice tone, even though she did in fact, not say it that way. It felt hurtful when I had just shared happy news and was feeling strong. It brought BACK my self-esteem issues and made me feel weak, embarrassed and unwelcome. It wasn’t her intention and it had everthing to do with my issues and vulnerablities because I had already said I was working on my self-esteem. I felt like my weak spot was punched. I’m very self-critical and hard on myself and the area I’m hardest on myself since the P is the fact that I’m now too sensitive and struggle with my self-esteem. In admitting this numerous times to the board in many posts, I made myself very vulnerable to the board. I felt exploited, but again, it has to do with my issues, not someone’s elses. Thanks for this insight, Kathy.
Thanks for the support and compassion also, Oxy, blueskies, heaven and shabbychic. I so hope I’m not leaving anyone out, but all of the support has helped. I’m going to go take a nice lavender bubble bath to clear my unrested brain before my little one wakes from his nap. I’m going to go take care of me.
P.S. I feel badly for adding to the contention of the board. I should not have done that and should have just walked away when I felt triggered. It’s a tricky thing when sticking up for ourselves the first time to hold back some. I was a little bit out of control with it and it detracted from the board and others’ healing and for that I apologize. It was not my intention, but I can now see that is what I did and I owe you all a sincere apology, so I am truly sorry for any uncomfort, annoyance or pain I have caused any of you. You don’t deserve that.