John Allen Muhammad, the D.C. Sniper, will die by lethal injection tomorrow.
John Allen Muhammad and his teenaged accomplice, Lee Boyd Malvo, terrorized the Washington, D.C. area for three weeks in October 2002. In the end, 10 people were dead and three were wounded. The victims, selected at random, were shot while doing mundane chores like pumping gas and loading Halloween decorations into a car.
I’m sure you remember the terror of the killings. But you may not realize that the killing spree was an escalation of a child custody battle.
Psychological abuse
Mildred Muhammad, the ex-wife of John Allen Muhammad, spoke at the Battered Mothers Custody Conference in Albany last January. Her story was compelling—and heartbreaking.
Mildred was married to Muhammad for 12 years, and they had three children together. Muhammad served in the Gulf War and when he returned, he became abusive.
“His behavior turned to possessiveness,” Mildred said. “I couldn’t do anything right. He was trained in psychological warfare—he was a combat engineer—and he used me as his guinea pig.”
Muhammad didn’t hit her, but inflicted psychological abuse. “Every emotion I displayed, he used against me,” Mildred said. Finally, in 1999, she asked for a divorce.
Kidnapped children
Before, during and after their divorce, Muhammad threatened to kill Mildred. He drained their bank account and kidnapped the children, taking them to Antigua for 18 months. Mildred was forced to hide in a women’s shelter for eight months in the Tacoma, Washington area.
She could not afford legal representation. So while in the women’s shelter, Mildred taught herself the law so she could represent herself. Eventually the children were located. Mildred went to court, won her case and was awarded full custody. Then she fled across the country to Maryland.
Muhammad found her. And, Mildred says, that’s why he went on the killing spree. Muhammad planned to kill her, and the rest of the murders were an elaborate ruse to cover up her murder. She would just be another of the random victims, and he could show up as the grieving ex-husband, and claim the children.
Want to win
When John Allen Muhammad was brought to trial, the prosecutor put forth Mildred’s contention that the killing spree was intended cover up the eventual death of his ex-wife. The court, however, ruled that there was insufficient evidence to support the argument.
But after all the stories I’ve heard from Lovefraud readers, I think it’s totally plausible. Sociopaths want to win. Nothing else matters to them. I believe John Allen Muhammad was willing to kill 10 innocent people, at random, just to get his way.
If ever there was a case that demonstrated the lengths a sociopath will go to in order to win, this is it.
No conscience
According to the Richmond Times-Dispatch, Muhammad’s lawyers filed an appeal with the U.S. Supreme Court last week, claiming that the killer is mentally ill and delusional.
But Paul Ebert, the Virginia prosecutor who won Muhammad’s death sentence, said, “This guy had absolutely no conscience. He killed people just like they were flies.”
Mildred also does not believe that her ex-husband is mentally ill.
Support for other victims
Mildred has written a book about her ordeal called Scared Silent. She has also founded an organization in Maryland to support survivors of domestic violence called After the Trauma.
“I started After the Trauma because of my own personal domestic violence experience and thought of all the other women in similar situations who need day-to-day assistance, as I did,” Mildred writes on her website. “After the Trauma is women who are transitioning from a domestic violence situation and are ready to take the next step into ”˜freedom.’”
Like many of us here at Lovefraud, Mildred Muhammad has been through an incredible ordeal. And like many of us, she emerged on the other side stronger, and willing to help others along the path to healing.
P.P.S. I’m especially sorry to you, Donna. You put a lot of work into this board and you are the reason it’s even here and has helped me heal in the past, through certain people on here. When something like what happened last night happens, it takes aways from that and the general intention of the board and this is not fair to you. I am sorry.
Jill Smith,
No worries. I’m just glad you seem to be feeling better.
It sounds to me like you’re moving through the healing process. I, too, spent much of my younger life numb, although not due to abuse (thank God). Still, when I was just learning to experience and cope with emotions, it wasn’t easy. But we get better with practice.
jillsmith, that was a great post. I saw you were leaving for a bubble bath, but maybe you’ll catch this later.
As far as anger goes, if you haven’t read my articles on the angry phase in the series I was writing, you might find them useful. (Or if you read them before, they might resonate with you more now.)
I suspect that PSTD is a good way of thinking about some of the feelings you describe. But in a subtle way. If we are forced to deal with situations in which we cannot respond honestly about our feelings and needs (which is always the case with childhood abuse), we can pretty much assume that we’ve stifled our normal and natural anger responses. Another way of looking at this is that we get unnaturally tolerant of disrespectful behavior toward us or the pain it causes.
Learning to re-activate that natural anger response can be quite an experience. And I think that one of the big gifts that we get from sociopaths is a situation where, in recovery, it becomes abundantly clear that we should be angry. We don’t have to stifle anymore.
But untangling those wires is complicated. We tend to relate anger to violence or abuse, and we think that it’s dangerous or unattractive. In fact, the full spectrum of anger goes from simple confusion to dispassionate rejection, with lots of things in between including resentment, outrage, blaming and judging. The links between the various forms of anger is that is a reaction to something that we regard as a threat or a source of pain. Anger is a fundamental reaction that comes out of deep survival instinct, though it can become pretty sophisticated as we understand how to use these feelings for our own benefit.
What I mean by that is that anger has some interesting characteristics. It’s very focusing. It narrows our attention on the source of the threat. It generates physical and mental energy to help us deal quickly with the issue. Although these feelings begin in the deepest and oldest part of the brain, they quickly move “up” the brain to the rational thinking and planning areas. And most important, anger is a more advanced response to a threat than fear. Rather than short-circuiting us as fear tends to do, anger engages our resources.
People who are working through a history of trauma or abuse, or who have been out of touch with their capacity for anger for a long time, tend to have a lot of backed up anger. This may feel like explosive resentment, but it’s actually a lot of old system alerts that have never been addressed so that they turn off. (This can also be experienced as free-floating anxiety). So it may feel a little scary when that capacity first engages again. It’s normal to feel like everything is setting us off, because there are all kinds of PSTD-style reminders of unaddressed issues.
The cure is to work through the anger to find its original sources (“what am I really angry about here?”), and target the anger on its true causes. This works even if the situation is long in the past. I’m an incest survivor. By the time I really started to work on these issues, my father was a feeble, senile old man. It would have been pointless to vent my rage on him in real life. But I did it in memory, demanding justice for myself and getting honest with how I really felt about what happened and how wrong it was. I did a lot of raging through letters written to people who were long gone. And in doing so, took myself back. I had no choice but to live, feel and act like a victim then. But now I can judge it as someone who really cares about me, and refuse to understand and condone what was reprehensible behavior.
It’s crucial to do this work in order to get better. Later when we have fully stood up for ourselves, judged everything that needs judging in order to respect our own experiences, we may become able to also maintain some empathy or understanding. For example, I know that my father was a product of his upbringing, as was my mother who didn’t protect me. It’s very advanced work to be able to hold onto outrage on one side and empathy on the other. And we can’t rush getting there. First we need to get clear and have honest, normal feelings about what was done to us. This is taking care of ourselves. Then, if we have the energy and willingness, we can be compassionate. But not before. Otherwise we’re continuing to make our wellbeing less important than that of our perpetrators.
Just one more thought about this. People who are working on codependency issues have to learn to take care of themselves first, and limit their commits to other people to the “excess” resources they have left after they’ve met their own needs. My perspective is that the underlying cause of codependency is this inability to access our own anger, because we have been trained that it is not safe to defend our own entitlements (To love, respect, acknowledgment, appreciation, etc.) That is why the pivotal part of the healing journey is the angry phase.
Anger changes our orientation. Up to that point, it’s all about things outside of us. What happened to us. How other people behave. What how we have to manage those people or circumstances in order to keep ourselves loved or safe. Anger gets us back in our own skins. It makes it about us, how we feel, what we think, how we were affected, and what we’re going to do in more direct way to take care of ourselves. After anger, we start reevaluating everything in terms of whether it is good for us, and we start rebuildng ourselves and our lives in more positive ways.
From everything you say, jillsmith, you sound to me that you’re doing great work and moving right now the path. You mentioned in one of your posts that you didn’t know if you would ever get over your past. To me, that’s a statement that indicates that you’re moving into another stage, the one where we face our losses, admit that we are damaged and we can’t change that, grieve our losses, and finally get to the good part of figuring out what we have left to work with. It’s always pretty amazing when we give up focusing on what’s lost and turn our attention to what we have. And who we are, despite all that stuff in our past.
You’re doing good work and you’re moving in the right direction. When my therapist said that to me, I was always relieved to hear it. I pass it on to you.
Affectionately —
Kathy
Skylar, Oxy, Kathleen, I want to thank you all for not rushing in to BLAME me for the chaos that insued, last night.
I felt really BAD about it…And had to decide if I wanted to come to the sight today or not, knowing there would still be talk of it.
I sincerly apologized to Jill. On several occasions, and I’m still sorry my comments hurt her. I learned something about giving advise……………
However, at some point it’s possible that I might feel hurt and defensive, too. I might feel angry. I might feel gas-lighted and attacked.
I don’t like being talked about in the third person, behind my back. I don’t like feeling criticized. Does anyone?
Last night, when I realized I’d hit a nerve (unintentionally) and did my very best to just express that I undersood that I’d hurt her and I took responsibility for it. I didn’t get defensive and lash out, even though I was called mean, mean, mean.
Today, I’ve been accused of turning LF into a what was it “hateful and arrogant space.”
I have seen people attack others on this sight, but I don’t consider myself one of them.
Thank-you for letting me vent, and to let you’all know I have feelings, too. Thanks again to those of you that undersood.
Kim: I feel your pain…
All I can say is that it seems we’ve all come to this site as some kind of sanctuary in a way. Having read through some of this thread, it seems everyone can try to remember that. And as well as we think we get to ‘know’ one another by our posts, we should also remember – as I think Oxy or Kathleen mentioned, that everyone is at a different stage of their healing – and vulnerability. But most of all, as much as someone might share their background and story – and as much as we share what seems to be the common experience of being with these people who have totally confused and hurt us – we are our own best judges and therapists deep down. The hardest part for me has always been trusting that voice within. It’s good to allow for some time without posting to really be introspective, not necessarily isolate ourselves – but I know sometimes I can feel a bit crazy when I read or have gotten too much advice and input from others – sometimes it’s hard to tell, but letting people into our most personal experiences can muddy, not clear the waters. Don’t misunderstand me – I’m not arguing or saying I’m not appreciative or support the idea of sharing with others – only that there seems to be a problem when we get too enmeshed with each other – this latest situation and one last week shows everyone trying to make amends, be understood, be ‘nice’ (which isn’t necessarily BAD) -it’s just that we’re all trying to preserve that healthy sense of being kind and nice individuals, and we’re all imperfect at times at that – it’s a part of life, isn’t it – just striking that balance of knowing ourselves and still reaching out in healthy ways to others.
Lately, it seems like I keep hearing the old song ‘Girls Just want to have Fun’ – and I’ve thought, Damn, that’s really what we all want at this point – we want all the heavy good stuff, too(like REAL love) and we don’t want to argue or fuss or criticize or be criticized what seems unfairly – but basically… we girls (and guys) just want at this point to ‘have some pure, unadulterated, non-obsessive FUN!!! (EB, you can add some more !!!!’s,please!)
Wanted to clarify – when I said ‘sometimes I can feel a bit crazy when I read or have gotten too much advice and input from others’ I was referring to books I’ve read,
and certain people I’ve confided in here and there – AS WELL AS LF reading and sharing. It’s that whole gamut of input and I’m just speaking for myself – at times I know
I have to kind of put myself on input ‘pause’ so my own thoughts, good, bad or indifferent can filter in. So I can really have a chance to absorb the experience and feelings that are going on RIGHT NOW in my life, however messy it feels, however still unresolved – it’s MY experience and no one else can really KNOW it but me, no one else – however instructive it is to know someone else has gone down a similar path – it is still just that, similar. It’s an obvious statement, but I feel we need to honor our own experience as being unique to us – and know it is that way for others and we can never totally understand or judge it for someone else.
Persephone, Thanks sooo much for responding.
You hit it on the head when you talked about everyone trying to be “nice”.
That has been an issue for me most of my life. My identity has relied qite heavily on it, at times. I remeber being about 10 and my Dad pulled me aside, and said, “Kim, not everyone will always like you.” Try not to take everything so personally.”
I remember my best friend telling me, when I was,21? 22? ” You are the nicest one of all of us.”
Well, of course at the time it meant a lot to me……
But when I began recovering from the devistation of a marriage to a Narcissist, who also had OCD, was career military, was very opininated and out-spoken, whose pesonality so overwhelmed me, I felt invisible and wiped out.
I had been critisized, talked-over, interupted, de-valued, and ignored for a really long time, and I was hurt to my core. In therapy I learned about anger, and self-esteem, and assertiveness. I learned to shrug my shoulders and say “suit yourself”. I learned how not to apologize all the time. I remember telling my husband I was sorry for slamming his car door? His response, “You’re always sorry.”
I wrote these poems at that time in my life:
Marilyn checked her make-up, then stretched across the bed,
Fingers casually curled six inches above her head. Posed in such a way she looked more sweet than dead.
That’s what Mailynn did. Instead I just got angry.
————————————————————————
Annie did her best to be domestic, baked bread for entertainment, after stripping wax, the way the neighbors did.
Annie hid her boredom with her bottle, underneith the linens, in the closit down the hall. Annie had it all. Except she didn’t have Annie.
————————————————————————
In this photograph you are whisker stubbled, base-ball capped, and your mouth is open. Your orange T-shirt shouts to the fans in your circle. Your hands fly in wide arcs above
your head. You berate the butcher the baker, the candle-stick maker,
your opinions have beeen cast in stone. I make myself
small. Pull in my head, fade into my dress.
I hear an air-plane roar, lylocks scent the air, then beer from your explossive breath, orange colored breath in the wind.
You are as magnifiscent as the orange sun, setting.
————————————————————————
The other night when I hurt Jill’s feelings, I had been feeling very light-hearted and playfull when a different poster (not Jill)starting posting posts that seemed to me were self-doubting . and apologetic. I saw my old-hurt self in this and even said to her, “we are all so sensitive and insecure.” I was trying to tell her, “hey, its okay.”
Well, this went on back and forth a few more times.
At this point EB posted on another thread about not engaging with EC, and I realized that I had begun to get caught up in all that, again. Then Jill posted, and at that point I never
again went back to EC. I was focussed on talking to Jill, but think my mind was somehow still on the conversations, and the FEELINGS I had triggered by my conversation with the first poster.
So Jill, I think what I said to you the other night was something I was saying to my ( I want to say old-) self. The one who has self-esteem issues, who wants to be so good. Who wants to be known as the nice girl, but who is so very sad and hurt.
It’s been a long time since I was in group therapy, but it can be pretty confrontational, where others tell it like they see it, and I think I made the mistake of thinking of LF in terms of my own therapy years ago. I am so sorry.
And isn’t it funny I still have the same issues today.
Wow, writing down those old poems and thinking about the past, those old feeling has me crying like a baby.
Kim: I barely have time before work to write but your poems and thoughts so moved me. They are so thoughtfully and artistically put down – you are an artist yourself-
and I related very much in what you expressed about the unfortunate way you and others (and me in my ill-chosen sarcasm to Jill, not intending to hurt her personally as
well) ended up triggering each other. Like having your boss get you upset and then coming home and kicking (not literally) the poor cat who comes to happily greet you!
Gotta go, but thanks Kim for that post, makes my day and I think sometimes we created the sociopaths to deal with our own anger and ‘niceness’ issues, that’s why it’s
so painful and wrenching – in a way, before them and after – we have to be careful that we don’t chase our own tails – and continue to be our own internal sociopath – being
unreasonable and even cruel to ourselves, which can still spill out onto unsuspecting others.
Thank you Perseph, for taking the time to respond. Thank you also for the lovely compliments on my poetry…..It used to be my therapy.
It seemed that in that marriage I was not allowed to have any sense of myself, at all. He was so domineering that he had to tell me how to wash a dish, how to hang up clothes on a clothes line, what brands to by at the grocery store. It was as if I wasn’t competent to do anything. I used to call him Mr. Clean, and tell him he was a better woman than I was. I t wasn’t until much later that I realized how terrified he must be… and exhausted. He must have thought that at any minute the world would fall apart if he wasn’t constantly monitoring it to make sure it was functioning properly. Poor Guy. LOL.