John Allen Muhammad, the D.C. Sniper, will die by lethal injection tomorrow.
John Allen Muhammad and his teenaged accomplice, Lee Boyd Malvo, terrorized the Washington, D.C. area for three weeks in October 2002. In the end, 10 people were dead and three were wounded. The victims, selected at random, were shot while doing mundane chores like pumping gas and loading Halloween decorations into a car.
I’m sure you remember the terror of the killings. But you may not realize that the killing spree was an escalation of a child custody battle.
Psychological abuse
Mildred Muhammad, the ex-wife of John Allen Muhammad, spoke at the Battered Mothers Custody Conference in Albany last January. Her story was compelling—and heartbreaking.
Mildred was married to Muhammad for 12 years, and they had three children together. Muhammad served in the Gulf War and when he returned, he became abusive.
“His behavior turned to possessiveness,” Mildred said. “I couldn’t do anything right. He was trained in psychological warfare—he was a combat engineer—and he used me as his guinea pig.”
Muhammad didn’t hit her, but inflicted psychological abuse. “Every emotion I displayed, he used against me,” Mildred said. Finally, in 1999, she asked for a divorce.
Kidnapped children
Before, during and after their divorce, Muhammad threatened to kill Mildred. He drained their bank account and kidnapped the children, taking them to Antigua for 18 months. Mildred was forced to hide in a women’s shelter for eight months in the Tacoma, Washington area.
She could not afford legal representation. So while in the women’s shelter, Mildred taught herself the law so she could represent herself. Eventually the children were located. Mildred went to court, won her case and was awarded full custody. Then she fled across the country to Maryland.
Muhammad found her. And, Mildred says, that’s why he went on the killing spree. Muhammad planned to kill her, and the rest of the murders were an elaborate ruse to cover up her murder. She would just be another of the random victims, and he could show up as the grieving ex-husband, and claim the children.
Want to win
When John Allen Muhammad was brought to trial, the prosecutor put forth Mildred’s contention that the killing spree was intended cover up the eventual death of his ex-wife. The court, however, ruled that there was insufficient evidence to support the argument.
But after all the stories I’ve heard from Lovefraud readers, I think it’s totally plausible. Sociopaths want to win. Nothing else matters to them. I believe John Allen Muhammad was willing to kill 10 innocent people, at random, just to get his way.
If ever there was a case that demonstrated the lengths a sociopath will go to in order to win, this is it.
No conscience
According to the Richmond Times-Dispatch, Muhammad’s lawyers filed an appeal with the U.S. Supreme Court last week, claiming that the killer is mentally ill and delusional.
But Paul Ebert, the Virginia prosecutor who won Muhammad’s death sentence, said, “This guy had absolutely no conscience. He killed people just like they were flies.”
Mildred also does not believe that her ex-husband is mentally ill.
Support for other victims
Mildred has written a book about her ordeal called Scared Silent. She has also founded an organization in Maryland to support survivors of domestic violence called After the Trauma.
“I started After the Trauma because of my own personal domestic violence experience and thought of all the other women in similar situations who need day-to-day assistance, as I did,” Mildred writes on her website. “After the Trauma is women who are transitioning from a domestic violence situation and are ready to take the next step into ”˜freedom.’”
Like many of us here at Lovefraud, Mildred Muhammad has been through an incredible ordeal. And like many of us, she emerged on the other side stronger, and willing to help others along the path to healing.
Kim, I understand how you feel. I’ve been there myself. (And I love your poetry too. Do you publish? I’d love to read more.)
Human relations get very interesting, in my mind, when I start playing around the idea of letting people be themselves. I mean, I want to be able to be myself and, at least, not be criticized all the time, preferably be understood. I know I spout off sometimes, and have the occasional snit, and I’m not always right. I’d like to be allowed to be imperfect without getting hammered for it. And if I want that, I figure I have to work on giving it to other people too.
And it is work. Because I have the character that I do — which is inclined to sound like I know what I’m talking about and, hell, I give advice for a living — I set myself up for getting whacked a lot. And I’ve made a life study of how to gracefully communicate difficult ideas that may trigger people. I teach people how to do that. But sometimes I don’t follow my own lessons. And I upset people. Which can make me feel terrible, and I have to remind myself that the human mind can be resistant to new ideas and I need to give them time to think about what I’ve said without immediately trying to make things all better.
But as you and persephone have noted, our experiences with the sociopaths really create questions about this idea of being nice. Especially if it gets in the way of talking about what is real and true for us.
In my recovery, I started experimenting with being very real and honest about exactly what was on my mind. I’ve written poetry all my life, very clever and well-mannered poetry. But in this period I wrote poetry that actually scared me. It was so naked, just the inside of my mind translated to paper. It took all the courage I had to read it in public. But I’m working on putting into book form now, because of the response I’ve gotten to it.
In my personal relationships, all this honesty created some bumps. People’s feelings were hurt. Other people judged me as an angry person. I sometimes pushed away people, and then had to go back and say that I’d changed my mind. I let people see the truth of my emotional states, and my most critical thoughts. And not everyone appreciated it. Especially people who felt very constricted to “behave properly” told me that I was rude or arrogant. Some people seemed to think I was trying to gain power over them, because I wasn’t acquiescent or submissive anymore.
But that was a very small part of what honesty did for me. To a much greater degree, it introduced humor into my conversations. It caused other people to share their real feelings with me, and their experiences. My conversations got a lot more interesting. I learned more, and felt more connected with other people. And a completely unexpected result — because I really expected problems — was that it seemed to make people respect me, to treat me better.
But I guess the most interesting thing it did was enable me to have arguments. I’m not sure if this happened just because of becoming honest, or if it was about other progress I made in getting better. But I became capable of having disagreements with other people without getting terrified or without feeling like I had to win or die. I got comfortable with the idea that they had their viewpoints and feelings, just like I did. And since we were individuals, it was kind of inevitable that we weren’t going to see things the same way. Or even want the same thing. And it was okay to disagree about it, maybe even a bonding thing under the right circumstances.
As I write this, it just sounds like common sense. But I can’t tell you how hard this was for me to start, how much courage it took. Part of me just wanted to stop being nice, and was desperately to just talk freely. But the part of me that was so careful not to hurt anyone’s feelings or make waves was driven by fear. Fear of being not liked, fear of being ostracized. I think it came out of my childhood with a violent rageaholic father, and feeling so responsible for protecting the rest of my family by not upsetting him. I had always told myself that being so concerned about other people’s feelings was a virtue, and I was kind of proud of it. But when I tried to make it “optional,” I discovered how much fear was behind it.
I should add that after a rocky start, I got a little better a being honest without being so aggressive as I was at at first. After all, I had all these skills at being nice I could apply to the problem. But I never, ever wanted to go back to the way I was before, because I came to think it was unpleasantly manipulative, all this trying to make people respond in a certain way. I became conscious of other people who were like that, always looking to create a certain effect or always feeling like it was their job to make other people feel better, and it just seemed disrespectful somehow, maybe controlling. Other people are entitled to their feelings too. It made more sense to me to just acknowledge their feelings, to understand them if I could. And I found that I could do more for them, and vice versa, by just being genuine.
I think that the last thing I want to say about this is the idea of how we come to each other to change our brain chemistry, when we feel sad or some other negative emotion. I wrote about it in a previous post, and I often come to LoveFraud, as I think we all do, for this reason. I’m not looking for someone to say something nice to me or even acknowledge my existence, though those things are pleasant when they happen. It’s more that I find something valuable in the different perspectives, and I feel encouraged by watching people on different places on the path. It also helps me to write. Or to have conversations about what’s really going on with me. Part of it is just getting my thoughts out of my head, where I can see them better. Part of it is the mutual affirmation that comes from sharing personal information.
I think that the quality of that sharing — the honesty — makes this a lot different than people in social situations who are just doing “nice” chit chat. It’s thought-provoking. I find my ideas challenged. I find opportunities to practice being the new person I am now, and find out what works and what doesn’t in terms of communication.
For these reasons, I feel so lucky to have a place like LoveFraud where I feel free to be myself. It’s a kind of “home,” as home should be. Taking the occasional whack is part of that, because other people have their own feelings and issues. But I find it important training in honesty and in caring about other people, without being enslaved by the feeling that I’m responsible for their feelings. I’m not. And you’re not. We’re all responsible for our own development as human beings. I know that if someone gets upset with me, that is primarily about them. I also know that if I’m totally misunderstood, it’s an opportunity for me to take a look at how I’m communicating and see if I can do it more effectively. But the real truth is that I can’t control how other people respond, and trying to do that is crazy-making for me and for them.
I’d rather love them for who they are and where they are, whatever it is. Just as I love myself. It’s easier that way, and it doesn’t preclude me deciding that something is too uncomfortable for me to participate in. The ultimate measure of everything is how I feel about it. That keeps me honest, and actually enables me to take care of myself in virtually every way.
I hope this makes sense. Apologies, as usual, for the long post.
Kathy
Thank you, Kathy.
It feel sad, though, and realize I still invest so much in wanting to be liked. I feel sad because I feel like there is something fundamentally WRONG with me. Like I’m not capable of relationships, and I should just give up. It’s too hard, it’s too painful. It’s embarassing, humiliating. Whatever.
A part of me just wants to slip away and fade into my dress.
I was always the lost child.
I’m afraid of abandonment, and emotioal abandonment is the worst. Feeling punished because I marched to my own drummer (God forbid) has always been my experience….So it’s terrifying to do so, and often still results in rejection by people who have an over-whelming need, for what-ever reason, to control. It’s still very painfull and confusing.
But what good is love if its not ME that’s loved, but the very good, well mannered child that always behaves just as she’s told, never expresses an opinion that goes cross-grain. never tells the truth, and never usurps the cast in stone authority of others.
I hate the feeling of shame. Don’t we all? Shaming someone is a powerful tool, isn’t it.
My mom always said, “shame on you”, when she thought I’d
mis-behaved! I guess it must have worked cause I still have shame issues.
Anyway, Kathleen, thank-you for being here and talking with me. It means so much.
We all, I think, want people to like and respect us.
Let’s get to the bottom though, what does “being nice” mean?
Can you disagree with someone and still be “nice”?
Where does “being nice stop” and standing up for yourself start?
Can you set boundaries and still be nice?
Can you give advice and not be angry if it is rejected?
Can you be given advice and not be angry if you don’t like it?
Can you accept criticism of your ideas and not become angry?
These are all questions I think we should ask ourselves.
My own opinion is that we are ‘cranky” when we are out of sync, and we tend to be more critical, easily insulted, angered, etc. when we are “out of sorts” or RAW and so on and things that are in retrospect really minor irritate the crap out of us, hurt us, insult us, etc.
Just as a dog that has been frequently kicked for reasons it doesn’t understand will shy or jump away if someone raises a foot to it. Or other dogs will growl or bite in the same situation (depending on lots of different tings).
I think when we feel strong emotions (of any kind) as a reaction to something someone (anywhere) says or does, we should count to ten (as the old saying goes) and see if we are OVER reacting to something that may be “nothing”—i.e. are we carrying a chip on our shoulder? Are we over sensitive? Are we triggered emotionally?
I think if we will practice this more (and it is something I work on every day) we will all do better in our recovery.
The trauma that suvivors of Ps have been trough leaves us all somewhat edgey, hypervigilent, paranoid, etc. to one degree or another. It takes time to get over these responses, but I think it is a good thing for us to work on in our recovery.
Reaching out to each other here is “risky” but at the same time, there are some wonderful rewards here as well. god bless. (((Hugs))))
Thanks, Oxy. Let me just say, I’m working on it.
Dear Kim, I can so relate to your statement, to all of it. The feeling of not being loved, the feeling of abandonment, also mom saying “shame on you!”, worse than the lost child, the invisible not noticed child. I mentioned in an earlier post that I did not “get it” in the film “The sixth sense” where all are dead and nobody is talking to the main characters, because that is my reality I now am noticing to my growing horror (and when I say something and somebody reacts at all then it is a swift reprimand).
The X was also very good at putting me down at the groceries, by the way! Not knowing where they put sugar was a HUGE disaster!!! And YES he showed me how to hang the clothes and he forbade me to dry the glasses of his Ex-GF because he was afraid I was ruining them. He was a PhD and I am a simple MD, so he had all the right to question my abilities in whatever field you may think of. LOL. It is always amazing me how cooky-cutter they are, and they seem to have read all the same book!
LF is wonderful for me as I can sit in front of my computer, read, reflect and let slowly go of these feelings and I can work on them, and my “colleagues” have much less influence on my feelings as I can not make them to like me or even to notice me. Yesterday I had a long telephon conversation with a dear friend who really matters to me, and soon I will go to a friend’s vernissage, and the heck with people who try to control MY feelings, try to make me so inferior.
I try to overcome or better to come to terms with this feeling or even better still to endure the tension of loneliness by trying to like myself and be a good friend to myself.
Dear Kathy, I am still not at the point of being “really honest” about my feelings, I am more in the state of exercising my “inner psychopath” to protect my “inner child”, and I experience the power of silence on my side.
And sometimes I feel like being the one poor child in the fairy tale who has to fight the dragon and free all the poor souls that have tried for ages to get the crown and who have failed and are kept in the dungeon by the evil ghost. To free myself from an evil curse that has been passed over for generations.
Oh well, let’s have fun at the vernissage! Have you all a very nice weekend!
Kim,
I am sooo sorry for the other night, while I understood some of the feelings and why the other night….I never meant to apply blame to you ,,, I never meant to hurt you. I hope you can forgive me for not being more considerate of your feelings.
I’m not very good at helping when things go bad but I want to help when it does.
It hurts me that you got hurt as well…and I can honestly say that I understand why and how your feelings got hurt also.
I know I apologize alot but I am sorry for hurting you.
Kim, Jill, Chic, Heaven, Gem…..
It’s pretty harsh to watch the unfolding of the effects of a troll.
I see a lot of feelings were hurt and things got lost in the chaos of one persons selfish ‘fun’ with anohter…
I made my feelings known that night, and I stand by them.
I was not being mean, I am fed up with the continuation….my feelings were based on my observations of continued behaviors and self proclaimed actions of one person. NOT just from that night.
Kim, I’m real proud of how you backed away and changed pace….growth my dear! You were aware…..and that is great!
I wanted to comment that night….obviously NOT appropriate!
Kudos….
Jill: You were hit by shrapnal of troll and friend, and emotions that ensued with having a troll on board. this is a prime example of WHY members should not participate with someone not here to heal…..again, I am sorry for the buzzkill you experienced with the timing….You have offered so much, grown so much. I wish you nothing but peace! (Jill I am not saying, you were a participant, in any way….you were an inocent bystander that got him from fallout emotions).
Heaven: Crossfire….that’s all I can say to you….
Again….another example of what comes out of troll exchanges. I see you did nothing wrong but try to comfort!
Chic:
Crossfire……youve been here before! Sucks huh! I got your intention and I am glad you popped in to give Jill support and a high five…..When the trolls hijack the emotions…..look out below…..
Gem: Your a firecracker…..I think you nailed it ….called a spade a spade!
————
So all that said……I have something else…..
It’s my opininon – through observation……
That we have a MOLE in our midst.
AS I tell my kids……when I feel danger lurks…….
KEEP YOUR EYES WIDE OPEN!!!!
Thanks, Libelle. I hope you have a wonderfull week-end, and just be the princess having a good time, okay?
Heaven, you have nothing to apologize for. You didn’t do anything wrong……honest.
Thank-you, EB for noticing my victory! It feels good. Hope we all have a lovely week-end, all of us.
It’s nice to see that everyone is feeling better.
Kim, however else you might feel about yourself, you should know that you come across as very genuine and real and comfortable with yourself – even the parts of yourself you don’t necessarily like. You seem like the kind of person that would be most valued as a friend. It also seems like you never misunderstand anything I say, but see right to the core of me. I like that.
Kathy, thanks for offering such loving words and support. Most everyone is doing their best to smooth ruffled feathers, as we all should.
I wish I could respond to everyone’s comments personally, but too much happened while I was gone and there’s never enough time.
Looking in after the fact, it appears to me that a troll has been here stirring up a pot. I’m SO glad I missed it because I have a hard time ignoring them. Wow, they can be SO destructive.
Jill, if you’re still around, I want to congratulate you on your great news. This is phenomenal!
I could relate to all the comments about hypervigilance. I remember going through some very difficult places in my healing many years ago. I got angry at people a lot and I just couldn’t help it. No one ever validated my feelings, so it was very hard for me to get through this phase. That’s why I don’t mind if someone gets mad at me here. If I hurt anyone, I will be the first ot apologize. But if they are setting a limit or have gotten triggered and are trying to heal, I generally regard this as a good thing. I remember when I used to get angry at women’s groups, friends, boyfriends, and therapists, and everyone thought I was nuts. No one understood what I was doing. It really made it harder, and I felt like I was crazy. I think anger is a very important part of the process.