John Allen Muhammad, the D.C. Sniper, will die by lethal injection tomorrow.
John Allen Muhammad and his teenaged accomplice, Lee Boyd Malvo, terrorized the Washington, D.C. area for three weeks in October 2002. In the end, 10 people were dead and three were wounded. The victims, selected at random, were shot while doing mundane chores like pumping gas and loading Halloween decorations into a car.
I’m sure you remember the terror of the killings. But you may not realize that the killing spree was an escalation of a child custody battle.
Psychological abuse
Mildred Muhammad, the ex-wife of John Allen Muhammad, spoke at the Battered Mothers Custody Conference in Albany last January. Her story was compelling—and heartbreaking.
Mildred was married to Muhammad for 12 years, and they had three children together. Muhammad served in the Gulf War and when he returned, he became abusive.
“His behavior turned to possessiveness,” Mildred said. “I couldn’t do anything right. He was trained in psychological warfare—he was a combat engineer—and he used me as his guinea pig.”
Muhammad didn’t hit her, but inflicted psychological abuse. “Every emotion I displayed, he used against me,” Mildred said. Finally, in 1999, she asked for a divorce.
Kidnapped children
Before, during and after their divorce, Muhammad threatened to kill Mildred. He drained their bank account and kidnapped the children, taking them to Antigua for 18 months. Mildred was forced to hide in a women’s shelter for eight months in the Tacoma, Washington area.
She could not afford legal representation. So while in the women’s shelter, Mildred taught herself the law so she could represent herself. Eventually the children were located. Mildred went to court, won her case and was awarded full custody. Then she fled across the country to Maryland.
Muhammad found her. And, Mildred says, that’s why he went on the killing spree. Muhammad planned to kill her, and the rest of the murders were an elaborate ruse to cover up her murder. She would just be another of the random victims, and he could show up as the grieving ex-husband, and claim the children.
Want to win
When John Allen Muhammad was brought to trial, the prosecutor put forth Mildred’s contention that the killing spree was intended cover up the eventual death of his ex-wife. The court, however, ruled that there was insufficient evidence to support the argument.
But after all the stories I’ve heard from Lovefraud readers, I think it’s totally plausible. Sociopaths want to win. Nothing else matters to them. I believe John Allen Muhammad was willing to kill 10 innocent people, at random, just to get his way.
If ever there was a case that demonstrated the lengths a sociopath will go to in order to win, this is it.
No conscience
According to the Richmond Times-Dispatch, Muhammad’s lawyers filed an appeal with the U.S. Supreme Court last week, claiming that the killer is mentally ill and delusional.
But Paul Ebert, the Virginia prosecutor who won Muhammad’s death sentence, said, “This guy had absolutely no conscience. He killed people just like they were flies.”
Mildred also does not believe that her ex-husband is mentally ill.
Support for other victims
Mildred has written a book about her ordeal called Scared Silent. She has also founded an organization in Maryland to support survivors of domestic violence called After the Trauma.
“I started After the Trauma because of my own personal domestic violence experience and thought of all the other women in similar situations who need day-to-day assistance, as I did,” Mildred writes on her website. “After the Trauma is women who are transitioning from a domestic violence situation and are ready to take the next step into ”˜freedom.’”
Like many of us here at Lovefraud, Mildred Muhammad has been through an incredible ordeal. And like many of us, she emerged on the other side stronger, and willing to help others along the path to healing.
Clemency for D.C.-area sniper is denied
Today, November 10, 2009, 3 hours ago
Virginia Gov. Tim Kaine clears the way for the execution of sniper John Allen Muhammad for the attacks that terrorized the nation’s capital region for three weeks in 2002.
Donna- This is very personal, but can you ask Mildred to share with us how she has chosen to discuss the father’s disorder, his arrest and execution with the children?
Perhaps this will be helpful to others, particularly since so many are given the ridiculous charge “not to bad mouth” the other parent.
Liane,
I have sent a request to Mildred Muhammad.
Dear Liane,
That is an excellent question. Especially in such a case as this where the “bad acts” of the other parent are OBVIOUSLY HORRIBLE.
For what it is worth, when my husband deserted us (leaving us destitute) I chose to concentrate on his mental illness when talkign to the children, who were devestated at this, since up until that time he had been a loving and very involved father and was very close to the boys, spending every evening and every weekend with them doing things and would not even return their phone calls. He never saw or spoke to them again.
I told them that he was “sick in his thinking” and that if he had been sick in his body, say with a broken leg, they would not have quit loving him and since he was sick in his thinking he couldn’t return their love and care right then. they were like 8 and 9 years old.
My oldest son C. cried uncontrollably in great wracking sobs for two years. I took them to therapy for two years and we went as a family as well.
My husband did have MAJOR depression and other diagnoses, but he also was the dupe of his P-father and so afraid to go against his father’s wishes it was UNreal, even by the “LoveFraud standards. ” His father took legal control of his son’s business affairs as well…l.i.e. our joint assets, which had been moved to another state.
I didn’t want to do like so many families I have seen where the parents use the children as weapons to hit each other with, each one “bad mouthing” the other parent to the children, putting the kids in the no-win middle situation. Especially LITTLE kids. At the same time, when there are major CRIMES that are nationally newsworthy, what the heck DO you say to the child—of any age.
Since it has “only” been about 7 years since the crimes were committed, this seems to be a “quick” execution by US standards. Maybe possibly due to the horror of this particular crime spree.
My counsel, for what it is worth, is that the parents should not “bad mouth” the other parent to a young child by saying “Daddy is a bad man because…” but say instead, “I don’t approve of _______ (heavy drinking, etc) because it causes problems in the lives of everyone.” Talking about what the behavior is that is unacceptable.
When the child comes home and says “Daddy says you are a bitch” I think the mother should not respond by saying “Well, he’s an asshole too!” but rather be calm and say something like, “well, sometimes when people are angry at someone else they call them names, but I don’t agree with name calling, even if I am angry.” or something to that effect and then let it go. Kids will draw their own conclusions from that.
My heart goes out to Mildred Muhammad through all that she has endured. she has obviously risen from the ashes and is putting the things she has learned to benefit for herself and others. God bless her for her strength and efforts!
.
Dear Oxdrover,
Thanks for your post. My daughter is too young to understand why she doesnt see her father and I have always struggled with how I will talk to her about it in the future. I only say, “I’m glad you love your dad. Your daddy loves you too in his own way. He is an important person because he is YOUR daddy”. She is happy and doesnt think she is different. I just explain that every family is different and that some children live with their mothers and some live with their fathers, some are adopted and some live with their grandparents. I dont want her to feel ashamed because her father has abandoned her. But at some point, I’m going to have to explain the situation in a way that doesnt hurt her. Plus, he has bad mouthed me infront of her in the past. Also, he is very angry with me and blames me for everything that has happened to him. He’d put me in jail the first moment he could. He lies uncontrollably, yet is charming to most people. He has a drinking problem and refuses to get help. Blames all his money problems on me. etc etc etc…
Dear Sadie,
I remember a time when I was probably about three. I lived with my egg donor and her parents. I played with the two kids across the road, a year or so older than me and one of them asked me who my daddy was. they knew who I lived with. Up until then I hadn’t really thought about a “daddy’ since I had never had one, just my Pop and granny and my “momma”—I went home and asked what a daddy was.
I remember then thinking that my “daddy” was my grandfather some how, but yet, not. when my egg donor remarried when i was 3 1/2 and he became my “daddy” I was more than satisfied.
I think the way you have told your child is a kind and good way to approach it and I am sure as she gets older you will be able to explain it to her in age appropriate terms as she has questions.
Whether he is a genuine psychopath or whether he is just a man with “problems” that he doses with alcohol, your child will soon enough see for herself what they are. I hope that in the future you will find a man as good as my step father was to me and she will have a “real” father, not just a toxic sperm donor. But even if she doesn’t, I think she has an AWESOME MOM! ((((hugs))))
Thanks Sadie. Well, I came back on here for a quick, “hi”. I spent a long time doing yoga after walking into the middle of other people’s last fight and I felt fine. Anyway, I wish I could get to a point where I don’t get my feelings hurt so easily. To me, that’s the worst part about everything I went through with the P. I guess to describe what that part of myself is that I’m missing, I’d say it’s my confidence. With confidence, one has the ability to put things people say in their proper compartment. I am lacking this ability these days, but I recognize it and am working on it.
Liane,
I’m glad you asked Donna this. I’m always wanting to learn way mothers and fathers explain everything to their kids. I have not decided yet how I will explain all of this to my son. I have plenty of time to learn, but I want to be ready when his questions come.
Oxy,
Thanks for the congrats and your take on things. I still have a long way to go, but I am getting better at recognizing when I start to feel triggered and getting away from the situation to do something for myself. It’s tricky, but I am making progress. My son can tell too because he has been so easy lately. When I’m balanced, he seems to be too.
Oh and just an update for you and everybody: My son was walking a little later than I would like. I tried everything and worked with him very hard on it. I enrolled him in a group with a physical therapist, just to be on the safe side and do all I could for him. He started walking on his own just great right after I made the call, ha. So, he had a few sessions and then “graduated” because he was making so much progess. Anyway, when they did testing on him, they do all sorts of testing. Some of it involved testing social and nurture skills. They gave my son a baby doll and watched him interact with it. They said that most kids that age who have never seen a doll just treat it like all the other toys. Those with advanced nurture/empathy skills love on it like a baby and try to take care of it. This is what my son did. He also ran over to the window with the doll and held her up to show her the scene. This is his favorite thing to do, so I thought it was cute that his first reaction to the doll was to show her his favorite activity. He talked to her about everything outside and then made eye contact with the doll to see her reaction and give her a kiss. Most of these subtleties I missed, but the woman saw all of this and interpreted it for me. I hadn’t told her anything about the P or any concerns I have, so she wasn’t just trying to reassure me. They don’t really do that anyway. So, I was relieved and happy at the news. I thought this was a great sign and made me realize that I can find whatever behavior I happen to be looking for in my son because he’s LEARNING about behavior through trial and error. He’s going to have all different types of behavior, just as adults do too. Because we’re all human. So, I decided to just ignore the fact that I know a P contributed to his DNA and just go about offering him as much love and stability as possible, just as I would have done so if I had the most amazing, loving father in the world to offer my son. I was so worried about it all before, that this new approach has lifted a HUGE load off my shoulders. Anyway, that’s my full update.
There are a lot of new people on the board. I’m trying to catch up with their stories. Everyone has so much to contribute to the board and I learn a lot from them all. Thank you to all of you.
Sadie,
What you say to your daughter sounds good and healthy. I’m thinking about saying to my son, at an appropriate age, “Your father was not well enough to be a father or a husband” and just leave it at that. What do you guys think? It is true, but I don’t think he needs to know violent details. When he’s an adult, I’ll probably tell him I was abused and left to be safe, but I don’t think I”ll tell him his dad was diagnosed with ASPD. What good would that do him? I am open to all of your thoughts on this.
It sounds like we’re in a similar boat with young children, Sadie. It’s hard to know the best thing to tell them, huh? I think you’re doing great though. You care and that is the main thing our kids need.