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Defending marriage

The State of New York just passed a law allowing same sex-couples to marry. Opponents of same-sex marriage complain that the practice undermines the institution of marriage. Therefore, Congress enacted the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) in 1996, which bared federal recognition of same-sex marriages and allowed states to do the same. DOMA also created a federal definition of “marriage” and “spouse”. Marriage is defined as a “legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife,” and spouse is defined as “a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife.”

To all those who really want to defend marriage, I say that nothing undermines the institution of marriage more than sociopaths who use the institution to defraud others. I spoke with someone yesterday who is trying to protect a friend from just such a situation. The sad truth is that it is not a crime to lie your way into a marriage then use the marriage to prey upon an innocent spouse.

In most states when couples apply for a marriage license they have to raise their right hands and swear the information provided is true. Sociopaths have no problem honestly swearing to false information. As Sandra Phipps of Fight Bigamy says “Getting away with multiple, fraudulent marriages in our country is a snap.”

With the help of Sandra Phipps, I surveyed victims of bigamy about their experiences and asked them to complete the PSCAN an instrument developed by Robert Hare to allow non-clinicians to share information about another person’s psychopathic personality traits. I presented the results of this survey at the May SSSP meeting. It is no surprise that all of the bigamists score in the very high level of concern for psychopathy range.

I would go as far as to say that Marriage fraud other than for immigration is likely the only crime committed only by sociopaths. Furthermore, family members especially parents and spouses are the primary targets of sociopaths.

If we really want to “defend marriage” we have to enact laws that make marriage fraud a crime. Why shouldn’t it be illegal to lie your way into this social contract? Why shouldn’t those who commit bigamy get more than a “slap on the wrist”? Authorities routinely say to bigamy and marriage fraud victims “You should have been more careful.” These statements are based on a “blame the victim” mentality that could be applied to many crimes.

The true defenders of marriage need signatures for their petition to develop a National Marriage Database. I encourage you to sign the petition but also say we need to go further and make marriage fraud a crime.

Click here now to Sign the petition

More on Bigamy

Related articles on Lovefraud:

Sign the petition for a marriage database (2006)

Bigamists, sociopaths, and the call for a marriage database


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45 Comments on "Defending marriage"

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I have seen gay sociopaths-men and women. I have seen women turn gay (because they were abused by a man) only to find out that women can abuse as well. One of my best friends at an airline had just turned gay because his wife cheated on him and he never felt good about being gay.
Becoming gay because ‘opposite sex abuse’ happened, is not a, “get out of badness ticket”. In fact, if one turns gay to escape something that they are running from, disaster may be on the horizon 🙁
It is true, nothing undermines the institute of marriage more than deceit.
The punishment for the contract of marriage fraud needs to be so clear and severe that marriage is feared by those who plan to use it and would be avoided at all costs.

Dr. Leedom – you are so right. Lovefraud hears from people all the time who have been conned into marriage, and then stunned to find out that legal authorities could care less. It is a disgrace.

I don’t understand why everyone is so upset about gay people getting married. I am gay but I don’t even feel the need for it. I am just so sick of the discrimination that is given out for being gay in the first place. I am so nauseated over the fact that my parents would rather me be with a horrible spathy man who conned me and broke my heart, then to see me with a woman. It hurts so much.

Elizabeth,

Hugs.

I have to tell you, I just watched the movie THE MOTHER three times in the last week. I’ve mentioned it a few times on this blog.

It was such a great watch – seeing a narc parent’s impact on
a child……and to see somebody having an affair with somebody who has SPATHY traits. Eye opening when it isn’t YOU.

I really recommend it.

Superkid

While I agree about a national data base for marriage/divorce MIGHT BE a good thing….I am not of the opinion that SEVERE LEGAL PENALTIES for bigamy is going to do any more good in PREVENTION OF BIGAMY than the already legislated “SEVERE PENALTIES” for 1) Robbery, 2) theft 3) assault 4) murder 5) drug use/sales/manufacture 6) rape etc. etc.

I really don’t really think that AS OUR LAWS ARE ENFORCED that there is any factor to deter crime by how severe the laws are. If that were the case, our jails would be empty. Our country already has more people per capata incarcerated than any other nation in the world I think (unless the stats have recently changed) and yet, we still have a very high crime rate of violent crimes (the vast majority of which are committed by psychopaths)

Yes, it is FRUSTRATING to those people who have married a psychopath who was already married!!!! It is unfair that the LAWS ALREADY ON THE BOOKS are NOT enforced by the DA’s office which is pleading DOWN much more “significant” crimes (in his/her opinions) and due to financial considerations people with HORRIBLE VIOLENT CRIMES are being paroled (let out with virtually no supervisions, and which the vast majority commit new crimes before their parole time is completed)

A national data base may be a good thing….there may be some problems with that though. If your “intended” is named John Paul Jones—and you search the data base and find all 4,580 John Paul Joneses that are married, HOW ARE YOU GOING TO KNOW WHICH ONE OF THESE MEN, IF ANY IS YOURS? You’re going to of course need a date of birth, but that still only eliminates most of the men named John Paul Jones, because 26 have your intended’s same date of birth…so now you are going use the SS# as the final proof about YOUR John Paul Jones being the right one….? Now we have a problem with identity theft by making all these data easily available public record, available on the internet. Some Nigerian scammer can get on there and get a picture of John and his SS# and DOB and now he is equipped to BECOME John Paul….or ONE OF THE JOHN PAUL’S by taking a different SS#.

How about people who were married and/or divorced in another country?

Then there is the HUGE COST aspect of trying to keep such a huge data base updated and accurate….

I honestly don’t think that a national data base would solve many, if any, problems and while I do think that “white collar crime” (such as bigamy and fraud) should be prosecuted at least by the laws on the books we have now, realistically, I don’t think that is going to actually happen.

The problem is with psychopaths, that they are going to break laws, no matter what the laws are, and they are going to do little or no time for breaking those laws, even if they get caught because our country’s jails are full now, and over flowing and there is a big recession/depression going on and people are not very willing to keep murderers in prison, much less con men and fraudsters.

It is down to the “whose ox is gored?” question. If it is NOT mt Ox that is gored, I’m not going to care one way or the other if “You” are “dumb enough” to marry a bigamist. (that is not my opinion but the opinion I think held my most people about the crime of bigamy.)

It’s kind of like if a 16 year old girl is having sex with a 40 year old man it is rape and pedophilia and a CRIME, but if a 16 year old boy is sleeping with a 40 year old woman, “he just got lucky.” Whether there is even a “crime” or not depends on a lot of things.

I do WISH that a national marriage database would solve the problem of psychopaths marrying when they are already married, but I truly do not believe it would.

I also wish that a lot of the FRAUD crimes that are done by psychopaths would be prosecuted CRIMINALLY rather than being a “civil” case—theft is theft, marrying when you are married is a crime now—but I am not going to hold my breath on either of these things actually being implemented in a way that WORKS.

Superkid-thanks. I never heard of that movie-how do I get a hold of it? It sounds like it describes my life. That’s what happened to me. I have both N parents and it has left me so messed up with the lowest self esteem and too much drama and trouble with relationships-picking the wrong people.

I am a gay woman who was conned into an affair with a married man and due to my low self esteem, I let it happen and then had to suffer the extreme guilt for letting it happen. I can’t believe how stupid I was. Even though I want a relationship with a good solid woman, I am afraid. I am not ready. I don’t feel like a whole woman since I don’t have a full time job and I’m losing everything. Who would want someone like me?

Elizabeth

I never heard of the movie THE MOTHER either.
It’s from 2003.

Somehow it ended up in my Netflix queue when I ordered the movie BROTHERS BLOOM as recommended by SKYLAR. The BROTHERS BLOOM is about con men.

Both were eye openers.

I highly recommend both.

Superkid

Superkid-thanks, once I get some cash flow again I’ll have to look them up.

Super Kid,
I’m glad you enjoyed the movie. Isn’t it strange?
The part where the woman is asked how to avoid feeling cheated was interesting because that’s what the spaths leave us with: a feeling of being cheated.

Very nice article talking about same sex marriage. I was interested reading because it was a very popular topic around the world.
Developing Healthy Relationship

Dan, thanks for the article, though there is one thing in the list of how to accomplish trust is “leave the past alone”—the problem with that is if your partner is CONTINUING the things that have been problems in the past….for example, lying. If today’s “problem that we need to work through” is LYING and there has been a problem with lying in the past and before that and back before that, such that the problem of today’s lie is a continuation of a PATTERN THAT GOES ON AND ONE…it isn’t the “past” it is the NOW.

If the action took place once in the past, or even twice and has NOT reoccurred since then, then yes, it is “the past” and should have been worked through and then let go of.

Unfortunately dealing with people with personality disorders, there is no “past” resolution it is continual turmoil and chaos and betrayal. What work for two honest people will not work for dealing with a psychopath.

I think it is crap that gay people cannot marry. My best friend and cousin are both gay women, and I feel terrible that society treats them so horrible. It sickens me to see or hear people ranting about how awful it is.
I used to go to a pregnancy form (I am pregnant), but I couldn’t stand to go there anymore due to the judgmental mean stuff they would post (and get away with). The last thing that just did it for me was when they were talking about how they would just abandon their own children if they were gay, and that gay people should be put to death (according to them and the bible. pfft.) The whole thing made me boil inside, and I refused to go back there ever again.
It is shocking how a lot of society seems to be so self centered and judgmental. It seems so many people are out for themselves and feel that their ideas are the only ones that matter. I wish more people would learn to step in the shoes of someone else and try to feel what they are feeling (except for the personality disordered people as I have learned the hard way that they take advantage of you when you attempt that with them).
Sorry to ramble. I am just having a day where I am so sick of people being mean.

I just really wish that somebody would help me understand women-why do they make you so happy and so tied up in knots at the same time.

I am against gay marriage. I am afraid another sociopath will manipulate me for money…

one/joy_step_at_a_time

miss elizabeth – tis not her, tis you. you are infatuated, hidden, and wanting, but knowing you are not in a right place, and she is possibly not a right woman for you – regardless of how infatuated you are.

i was very much infatuated and in love with a st8t woman i worked wtih when i was in my 20’s – up and down – i have never felt such mood swings before or since; will she, won’t she?????? it was elation and then hell. she played with the idea for awhile (and my emotions), then of course, as she was st8t, she backed away. it was horrible.

that said, really i think you should just tell her. you don’t have to ask for a relationship with her or tell her how you feel about her (but, i would) – just tell her you are gay. watching you go up and down and all over the place about this woman – it’s about you – about your desires, fears, and repression. personally, i’d advocate for letting the whole thing just blow up – because this is HIGH drama and you are twisting in the wind.

this is old dyke advice. for what it’s worth – this isn’t worth it.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

jen – hear hear!!

one/joy_step_at_a_time

BBE – you are against gay marriage BECAUSE you are afraid of getting conned, or you are against gay maariage for some other reason AND you are afraid of getting conned?

i come from more radical roots – if some folk want to get married OF COURSE they should have that right, but personally i had had hoped the homos would figure out something better than ‘marriage’.

I think if gay people want to get married that’s great but I don’t necessarily feel a need for it on a personal level. My friend and her partner have been together for years but they just don’t see the need for it either. It’s not gonna make a difference in how they feel about each other and it won’t change their committment to each other either.

onestep-I think it’s all gonna come out sooner or later and it may be sooner than later.

one/joy_step_at_a_time

Dr. Leedom, et al -it’s curious that the the social response to a fraudulent marriage is to blame the duped spouse and dismiss the crime. Why is this? It’s the same for all us who were duped – we are blamed, and the perps are not seen as having ‘really’ committed a fraud worthy of being called a crime. Why is this?

i am trying to find a paralell social phenomenon. Blaming the person victimized used to be de rigeur in cases of rape. the women’s movement and anti DV movement has gone a long way to change that. it was education that led to social change which led to legislation change and different application of legislation.

does this (historic) dismissiveness have to do with women having been ‘chattle’? and men who are duped are considered to be as ‘stupid’ (or worse) than women? does it have to do with the general populations’ denial of spathy?

and if we are talking about bigamy as part of marriage fraud, this wouldn’t apply to those populations who knowingly, without deceit, are polygamous.

the women who have posted on lf who were duped and married by married men have a special healing to do.

okay, i will put ‘bigamist’ on the list of ‘definitely spath.’

one/joy_step_at_a_time

miss lizzy – do yo see how jerked around you have been about this woman, for months? end the drama. it might be rocky for a bit, but my god girl, get ‘er done.

even if she IS interested, doesn’t mean that you have to do anything about it, and if she isn’t, she isn’t. and the sooner you get out of this phase of roller coaster emo, the better. it seems to me you are traumatizing yourself.

onestep-I don’t feel traumatized. It will come out soon. I may be leaving for 3 months to work out of state so it may come out before then. Then I can leave for a bit and hopefully get over it in different surroundings.

1steprs – I think everybody should have the right to get a divorce, gay people should suffer just like the straights….If gay marriage was legal in oklahomophobia I would of prolly married the piece of shit and he would of gotten everything and I would be toasting frogs under a bridge….
The ONLY reason people should get marrried is to have children, str8 or gay,,,

Lizzy – Have you ever googled LOVE ADDICTION?

I’m against marriage myself. Too many ways to abuse it because it’s usually done while in a state of temporary insanity brought on by hormones. Instead we should substitute a legal partnership contract drawn up by teams of attorneys. That way the marriage rules are set in stone before you sign away your life and you have teams of advisors looking out for you while you are in the state of temporary insanity. Really good teams of lawyers would earn more money when they get a rep for protecting their clients from stupid marriages. This way when a man turns out to have madonna/whore complex and cheats on you while withholding sex, you can sue him for damages.

My spath refused to marry me for the entire 25 years. He knew marriage and commitment were important to me when I was young. Consequently, he couldn’t take my house in a divorce, so he was going to kill me, since I’d left him everything in my will. He dropped his mask too soon and didn’t get the house. skylar – 1, spath – 0
🙂

Hens-the signs of love addiction was what went on with my spath. I won’t have that in my life again.

Hens:

You crack me up! I was laughing out loud by myself and that doesn’t happen often…toasting frogs under a bridge!…I am almost in tears here!! You are nuts and I love it!! x

skylar:

I LOVE your way of thinking about the marriage contract. That would be awesome! You are so right…hormones. That’s what it all comes down to. And temporary insanity says it all.

Interesting…I think my X spath has the Madonna/Whore complex. He even told me that after the kids came along the sex disappeared, but it was a “tell.” He said that SHE didn’t want it anymore after the kids came along, but now things are becoming very clear to me. I think it was HIM who no longer wanted it from her as he now saw her as a mother. He was raised strict Catholic in England and he had issues with his mom. Hmmmmm, very interesting indeed.

skylar:

It would also explain why he was cheating with everyone he could while not having sex with his wife.

skylar:

Isn’t it also interesting that these spaths have so many disorders? They never have just one. They have multiple maladies.

hens: very funny. thanks for my first smile of the day! xxoo
right back at ya!

I was married to my children’s father for 13 years and he was a ‘silent, quiet, calm, nurd’. I was not happy the whole time I was married. He was a drinker; a cheater; a beater…

I took my four children and LEFT that marriage and have refused to do it again because I prefer to stand up on my own and not be dominated by anyone. I like my quiet and my peace.

I don’t want to wash no one else’s dirty underwear; live by someone else’s rules…I just think that marriage should be looked at seriously before it is acted upon.

Working in family law, for a great many years, I have firmly developed the belief that the ‘government’ should not be meddling nor involved in our personal affairs for that is the beginning of tyranny again. Personal issues that affect each of us, daily, the government has no place legislating social conscious nor moral. That is definitive to each of us, individually. And, rightfully so. It’s what keeps America strong.

If the government wants to be pro active and actually do something that would BENEFIT the masses, they would make marriage more difficult to GET INTO and easier to GET OUT OF. They have it backwards. 🙂

Have an awesome day hens, I think you rock! xxoo

Love, DUPED

DUPED:

Ha, it is backwards! So true…it should be the opposite! Thanks for that!

Once I found out my x sp was MARRIED, he used to say: “If I could, I would marry all of you, my women…” And he played it just like that…one against the other. I have my suspicions as to how many women he has actually married. Truly.

His divorce wasn’t even final yet and he was asking ME to marry him once it was finished and I flat out refused. I am not living with a SP around me 24/7 who has MULTIPLE personality disorders and I am NOT getting married ever again, either. I do quite fine on my own without all the agitation and inconvenience.

Nobody can define or say ‘where’ a person finds love.
That is not the purpose nor business of the government.
They are OUR EMPLOYEES not our MASTER. I believe that a union of any two people needs to be respected. Primarily, by themselves, but yes, government as well.

Love is in the eye of the beholder and heart, not in the letter of the law.

I honestly believe that an sp will do, say, commit, ANYTHING, to get what they want, whenever they want it, as long as it suits their means and needs. I believe that with all my heart because I have experienced it firsthand. Imagine being LOVED to death, literally. That is what had almost happened to me.

No, I don’t put much faith nor stock in ‘love’. It’s a double edged sword and one, at this late stage of my life, I am ready to forgo in order to maintain what is left for myself.

I think a fine place to begin, as far as government involvement, over this whole sp buffalo program goes, should be to tighten up the internet laws so that phishing for opportunities has been drastically reduced. Social media leaves too many open doors for these people to abuse and victimize others. There needs to be strengthened laws and especially when it become interstate over the internet. I think we will see new laws becoming reality over this in the near future. I certainly do hope so anyways.

While not all social media brings about horrible consequences, I am sure it has caused a lot more damage than it has good. Except for, of course, LF and all of YOU wonderful people! 😉

This is WONDERFUL WEDNESDAY and BE GOOD TO YOURSELF DAY! Promise yourself to get moving and DO just ONE happy thing for yourself today. Absorb yourself in it and let it feel good. You earned it and deserve it. It’s okay to use AVOIDANCE BEHAVIORS…that is called: LIVING! xxoo

DUPED

DUPED:

Thank you, once again! I don’t ever want to marry again either. I have been divorced 19 years; long time. I am not the marrying kind. It’s really not for me and I think that’s OK. I don’t fit society’s mold that’s for sure. I also never had children…another no no in society’s eyes. What can I say…I am just different!

Well, I personally do not want to get married again. I am actually quite happy being single. I just don’t want to deal with some jerk and his crap. There is a big difference between being lonely and alone. I am pretty good at being alone and happy with my kids.
Idk. Maybe, if someday, by chance, I meet a sane, nice, and decent person then my tune might change. For now, I am very happy never getting married again.
But if people want to marry, really, who are we to judge? Who are we to say who can and cannot love each other? And who are we to judge someone who doesn’t want to be married?
We all deserve to be happy!

Louise: Hope you are doing well this evening.
No, I won’t ever marry again. I don’t know ‘who’ made up that ‘fairy tale’ but they can just keep it for themselves! I would much rather be under the bridge roasting toads with hens! I mean, at least THAT sounds more fun!!!!!

I was not and am not impressed with any relationships anymore except the family ones. I won’t give “IT” THAT much credit by saying “IT” was what has destroyed my life I will just continue to ‘battle’ it I suppose until I become NUMB and indifferent to “IT” and all the memories of “IT”….like I am heavily starting to.

Eradication from my life is the only befitting action, I am sorry to say. I am happy it was “I” who pulled the plug and didn’t leave it up to him. I wasn’t going to give “IT” the pleasure.

I just signed the petition against bigamy and the national marriage and divorce data base. I think that is so awesome!
YES: It NEEDS to be done. DEFINITELY. Not for intrusion of any privacy but to ensure protection for the unsuspecting and the innocent. Yes. I hope you will all take a minute, if you have not done so already, to locate it here, read it and then that you will sign it. I applaud the Author and the Sponsor. Thank you for ‘stepping up’!

I had a very eventful day. I babysat my 9 year old Grand Daughter today, out of school for the summer, and we went on a little road trip, saw Judy Moody and the Not so Bummer Summer and shopped at the DELIGHTFUL dollar store! 🙂 She went home with more than I did. 🙂 hehehehe

Hey, what’s Grammy’s for anyways? 🙂

“IT” is quickly becoming a very distant memory to me.
I am becoming numb to “IT” and everything about “IT”.
It is just fading farther and farther away from my memories now. When I recall “IT” it is like a living nightmare to me.

I have tried for so very long to make some sense out of all of this and there just really isn’t any. How does a person make sense out of something there is no sense to?

It’s like trying to figure out the wolf of the wild….
so unpredictable and you can never really come to know it.
It is a creature all of it’s own, one of a kind; only considering the amount of us who come here, I would say certainly NOT one of a kind but multiplying quickly within our society.

Louise: You nor I ‘fit societies mold’. And that is not necessarily a ‘bad’ thing, you know. Some of us have to stick around so we can tell those ‘when I was young’ stories, the same way WE heard them; ahahahahaha

Love of Self is the greatest love of all.
If you have no love for yourself, how can you possibly express it to anyone else? A person definitely needs to be ‘right’ and ‘grounded’ and ‘settled’ within themselves before they can ever be that way in a loving relationship. But, then, what do “I” know. I seem to have not been very lucky with ‘love’ in my lifetime. That isn’t a ‘whine’, just a statement.

I am learning how to be myself again after five years of having lost myself because of a SPATH I allowed to overtake my mind and which almost destroyed me. I was trapped into a dark hole for a very long time; years…always trying to please but “IT” was never pleased with anything…only how much devastation and havoc he could create because he found it amusing.

I am and have been ‘grabbing hold of’ that ‘big picture’, here, and the more I do, the more ‘chilling’ I truly find it to be. He used to leave little things at my doorway just to let me know he could get that close to me without any repercussion.

I have gotten telephone calls from people threatening my life.
I have been stalked and they don’t like letting go of what they feel is THEIRS or what belongs to THEM. If they can’t have you, NOBODY CAN. At least that is what MY nightmare is like.

It has gotten quieter about me, almost a month of silence,completely, now….FINALLY I am able to relax and heal, from everything and try meeting myself again. If that makes any sense.

You hang in there Louise. I think you are doing wonderful and I am so proud of you! I can hear the change and the determination in your voice and that is a wonderful sound. You are sounding stronger and I applaud you. 😉

Jen: you got the spirit! 🙂
*Blessings to you and your children*

Have a good evening everyone…
LF probably has helped saved my life and you all can count yourselves in the kudos, some, too, ya know… xxoo

Thank you to all of you.
Donna you are an amazing person I admire your strength so much. Just KNOW you are helping more people in this world than you will ever realize. And it just gets passed on and on. Thank you does not say it somehow.

BE GOOD TO YOURSELVES EVERYONE!

DUPED

Jen:

I agree!

by Robert Weiss..[ Many of us think that finding the right partner will complete a missing part of ourselves, finally making us feel whole. We also believe that this ideal lover will reveal the meaning of life to us. But each one of us has the potential to feel whole and fufilled from within ourselves to the extent that we can develop our competence in self love, self protection, self care, and self containment. In addition, each one of us searches for and eventually finds the meaning of life for ourselves, rather than looking at our partner to reveal it to us. Our lives are ours; our partner’s life is his or hers. No one can give us the ultimate answers for our own lives.]

DUPED:

I am doing well tonight.

Marriage is a fairy tale alright…no doubt about that. I don’t believe in it anymore.

The older I get the closer I am getting to feeling OK about not being married or not having children. By the time I die, I should be golden…haha!!! 🙂

Hens,
thanks for the quote. So right on. Time for us to fulfill our obligation to ourSELVES. WAY overdue.

Hello again Duped!

So your Spath was married also and you didn’t know about it? I must have missed that about your story. Anyhow, that’s what happened to me too: long distance relationship over many years, lots of phone calls, texts, weekend visits, etc. -and yet I honestly, honestly had no idea that she was married. (She was well aware of my strong feelings regarding infidelity, and thus created the most elaborate fantasy about how she was a “single” woman, and all the rest of it.) So on the bright side, I at least have no guilt about being the “other man”! But boy, that was one painful night when I discovered the whole thing was a charade!

I think I’ll start calling her “IT” as well – very good word.

Nevertheless, I’m sorry to hear that I’m not the only one who went through that – I wouldn’t wish such a thing on my worst enemy!

I’m glad that you are getting back to the simple joys like going to the movies. That’s what I did tonight too – with one of the few truly good people left in the world! (And she’s pretty into the bargain! – not a bad deal, when you can find both! Not that I’ll ever get squishy and “soulmatey” again!)

Actually, the irony is that I really wasn’t so “squishy” even before the whole debacle. Indeed, I only fell into the relationship reluctantly and with my usual reservations about human nature. So I still get annoyed thinking about how I got burned by something I really didn’t want in the first place! (But damn, I wish I’d known about the whole concept of “lovebombing” – it would have saved me so much grief!)

Constantine:

So sorry to hear your story. It’s so sad what these people do to us. My X spath was married also, but “separated” and separated for a long time…a full year so I thought as he was having me believe that he wasn’t going back. I was so duped…taken. And it upsets me so much because I am not taken easily, but he was just so good that I didn’t see it.

Your last paragraph really resonated with me. I also was not “squishy.” This guy was not even my type and normally if I would have seen him on the street, I wouldn’t have given him a second look. I feel the exact same way!!!! I got burned by something I wasn’t even looking for!!! That’s why I think this has been so very difficult to get over.

Thanks as usual for your awesome insight!

Constantine:

And by the way, I do not feel guilty at all for him being married. I just don’t…sorry. I feel that it really was out of my control because I was being manipulated by a master manipulator.

hens says:

by Robert Weiss..[ Many of us think that finding the right partner will complete a missing part of ourselves, finally making us feel whole. We also believe that this ideal lover will reveal the meaning of life to us. But each one of us has the potential to feel whole and fufilled from within ourselves to the extent that we can develop our competence in self love, self protection, self care, and self containment. In addition, each one of us searches for and eventually finds the meaning of life for ourselves, rather than looking at our partner to reveal it to us. Our lives are ours; our partner’s life is his or hers. No one can give us the ultimate answers for our own lives.]

HENRY, that is probably the MOST PROFOUND STATEMENT I have read in the last 5 years. Thank you for posting that, I am going to print it and have it tatt’d on my forearms so I can read it every day (no, not really, just in semi permanent ink! LOL)

THANKS

Here’s the thingn about LAWS AND GOVERNMENT,

YOU CAN NOT LEGISLATE MORALITY AND GOOD BEHAVIOR.

Bank robbery is a bad thing so we pass laws against it, that will stop it right? Nooooooo!

Prostitution is a bad thing so we pass laws against it, that will stop it right? Noooooooo!

Drugs, drinking while driving, cheating on your wife/husband, getting married to more than one person at a time…..No, laws won’t stop that either.

Right now the lastest stats are that IN THE US WE HAVE 2.3 MILLION people actually IN prison or jail and about 7 million on probation or parole. Every one of these people has BROKEN more than one of these laws passed to STOP people from doing these “bad” things….and there is still more drug use going on every day, more banks being robbed, kids being beaten by their parents, women and men being abused by their significant others etc. than there were yesterday.

The supreme court of the US just ordered California to let out about 400,000 in mates because their prisons are at 200% capacity right now.

I read an article yesterday that I thought was funny but true, in the South we pay rural unemployed whites to guard rural unemployed blacks in prisons—WHAT AN INDUSTRY! Great way to “create jobs,” right?

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