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TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: I can’t help but wish he was the sweet, “genuine” person I fell for

Editor’s note: Lovefraud received the following e-mail from a young woman whom we’ll call “Krista.” She needs support. If you have any words of encouragement, please offer them.

I am so lost and upset. I am 22, I was with a guy for about a year ”¦ he swept me off my feet with his charm and seemingly genuine character. I am a good girl, never got into anything bad, partied in college but never got in trouble. I met my ex out of pure boredom, knew him from high school (he had a terrible “bad boy” reputation). He literally said all the right things, charmed me and I fell hard.

He got me with his sad story too (his mom passed away when he was 10 from a heroin overdose, and has 5 siblings and grew up very poor). He is an alcoholic, an ex coke head and E head ”¦ I started dating him knowing he was going into rehab and a halfway house (court ordered, he is on felony probation) ”¦ He said I was his angel and I gave his “lost soul” something to work hard for ”¦ my background in school is sociology and psychology and I come from a very good, close family ”¦ I really thought I could help him ”¦

For about 2 months everything was great even though he was not anywhere near my intellectual level (not bragging AT ALL), but I just blamed it on his past drug use and environmental factors from childhood and looked past it ”¦ Anyways, things went really bad, really quick. He got kicked out of the halfway house after about 2 months for running his mouth to a counselor ”¦ and he moved into my apartment with me (stupid idea, i know) ”¦

Bad behavior

Well ”¦ he started to beg to drink and hey, I’m 22 and I only knew him for 2 months at that point, I didn’t know if he was truly an alcoholic ”¦ well he is 100% ”¦

I remember the first time we went out and drank. He thought someone made a comment to me and he smashed the entire back windshield off a random car downtown, fled the scene and left me alone in the street and I had to meet him at the hospital ”¦ it was awful ”¦ and he cried and begged me to stay and said how sorry he was and I gave him another chance ”¦

After that I made him a resume so he could get a job, and we sent an email to a potential job for him. When I checked the “sent” box to make sure the attachment sent ”¦ I found 2 sexually explicit emails he sent out to MEN off a Craigslist ad looking for sex!?!?!?!

I immediately freaked out and didn’t know what to do, he denied it (he’s a pathological liar, lies about everything) ”¦ It took about 3 hours for him to finally admit that he was bi-sexual and had been with men. Well ”¦ I kicked him out that day, but it didn’t last ”¦ He cried and begged and said I was everything to him ”¦ and I took him back thinking MAYBE it could work if we went to counseling to try to figure out why he has sexual desires toward men.

Another apartment

Well we never went to counseling ”¦ we moved into another apartment together (BIG MISTAKE) ”¦ I wanted him to be the man I fell in love with, with all that charm and saying all the right things. He always said all the right things, his actions didn’t.

After we moved in with each other, over the course of about 9 months, I found probably 40 Facebook messages to other women (to me that’s cheating, whether he pursued it or not). He stole 23 of my prescribed Xanax (denied it, but I found the texts proving him selling them for adderal), text message from a girl at work, etc.

I tried breaking up with him several times ”¦ an example of how it went when I tried to break up with him includes: holding a butcher knife to his throat, dragging his head on the pavement out of my drivers side door, choking himself with my seatbelt, smashing a mirror over his head causing a concussion and another hospital trip, begging, promising the world to me, etc. He literally messed up 100 times, and then manipulated the living crap out of me to try to get me back each time.

Wanted to believe

I wanted to believe him SO bad that he would change and just be the nice guy he is 75% of the time. Well ”¦ I was miserable every day of my life, I didn’t know how to leave, I was scared to leave, I still “loved” him (really I just loved the idea of what I wish he was) ”¦

Finally about 6 weeks ago he really blew it over the edge. He started to bring cocaine into the apartment, started spending his entire paycheck at the bar, etc. Well this one particular night he drank about 15 beers, half a bottle of liquor then about 6 more drinks at the bar when we went out ”¦ He flirted with a girl (which I later found out he cheated on me with a week before I broke up with him) for about 4 hours in front of my face at the bar as I cried and begged them both to stop ”¦

The night ended with a phone call to the cops. He fled the scene and went god knows where ”¦ and I called my mom and we waited until 10 a.m. for him to finally get home and I broke up with him and asked him to pack his stuff and leave. He left, in a very cocky manner, denying that he did ANYTHING wrong ”¦

Harassment

Then, over a 5-week span after the breakup, he started “dating” her (he denied that), he posted himself on Craigslist for hookups with men, he committed harassment, aggravated harassment, and stalking to me, consisting of about 700 phones calls, 350 texts, 50 Facebook messages, emails, showing up at my apartment, 7 suicide threats (I’m on the train tracks and can hear it coming, I’m going to hang myself in the back yard, “I hope you like killing me”), etc. etc. etc. ”¦

Well I stayed strong for about 2 weeks ”¦ then he left a voicemail saying he got arrested and was going to go to jail for at least 1-3 years and “if you ever cared about me, call me back” ”¦ I called him back and had him come over ”¦ BIG MISTAKE ”¦

I contacted his probation officer and told her to leave my name out of anything because he clearly is getting into trouble on his own ”¦ Well once he had probation, the day after I had him over ”¦ he called screaming at me, saying the “arrest story” was a big LIE (to manipulate me into talking to him) ”¦ and his probation officer called me and said he lied (she’s not happy with him) ”¦ after that he still called over 300 times and contacted my friends to relay messages to me, etc.

Order of protection

Well I filed for an order of protection and finally THIS MORNING I had court to finalize a “full stay away for one year””¦ I saw him at court today for the first time in 3 weeks ”¦ It was AWFUL, he came in whistling, cocky, and gave the judge responses like “yup, nope.” It was terrible. The guards/cops came up to me afterwards and told me they got a good laugh at him because of his clearly controlling, manipulative, immature behavior.

Anyways ”¦ I guess I’m writing because I am having a hard night ”¦ I KNOW I clearly made the right decision by leaving him and getting the restraining order, but seeing him today at court was AWFUL. I can’t help but to still wish he was the sweet, “genuine” person I fell for ”¦ but he’s not.

My therapist is convinced that my ex is a narcissistic sociopath who is heavily emotionally and verbally abusive ”¦ I don’t know ”¦ I just am SO scared to ever love again, SO scared I am going to fall for another jerk. I want revenge and to tell all his friends that he is bi ”¦ I don’t know anymore ”¦ I just want to stop dwelling ”¦ help?

 


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32 Comments on "TARGETED TEENS AND 20s: I can’t help but wish he was the sweet, “genuine” person I fell for"

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LFR, I just started my long journey away from my husband of 19 yrs, I’m seeing a lawyer next week. I knew he was like this(spath) when I met him, but convinced myself I could change him. Do you want to be 53 yrs old & just figuring this out? Of course not. I’ll use the old addage, “Pay me now, or Pay me later”,meaning,feel the pain now, don’t waste anymore time on him. He has NO conscience. Read up on as much material you can, & you’ll see him everywhere. My husband literally stepped over me as I almost died of the head injury he caused on me. Earlier that day, I would’ve told you he sort of still loved me deep down. My kids yelled at me(19 & 17) that HE DOESN”T CARE!! They did this to keep me alive, as I would die if it were only him & I. Who’d know what really happended? He now is telling everyone I fell down the stairs. He’s putting out a preemptive tail in case anyone finds out. I just today read ThaT this is very common, although at the time, I thought we’d keep it between us. Not anymore, game on. He feels nothing for me, just his reputation & his money. He’s used enough of my time & effort, I’ve wasted my best years to him. He laughed at you, don’t forget that, remember his smiling face as your heart broke. It’s OK to mourn what could have been, but also remember, that most of that is only in your imagination,he had no such beautiful thoughts. He probably thinks you’re a pitiful fool, you care about people. He has a secret armour of indifference that keeps him safe. He’ll just move on to some other poor girl(or boy whatever). God help the next one, at least you’re done.

My story is posted under “Hooked by an Internet Predator” if you would like to read it. I know what you are going through, I’ve been there too. It’s difficult for other people to understand what we are going through. We fall in love with an illusion they create; the person we long for and love so much is not real.

As difficult as it is, you are definitely doing the right thing by staying away from him. The no contact rule is the only thing that helps heal the wounds left deeply embedded by those without a conscience.

Don’t be afraid to fall in love again, have faith and just be careful. Look at the positive side of this experience….now you know the warning signs of a psycho/sociopath!

Krista,

Your BF put you through a lot of craziness in the time that you knew him. If you remained with him, the hellish experiences would continue. Your decision to cut ties with him is a SMART one, no doubt about it. Spaths drag good, decent people through the mud. Your story points him out as being a spath, someone to stay clear of. He is NOT someone that you can fix, so have no regrets about ending your connection to him. Take it as a learning experience – you now know (without a shadow of a doubt) that spaths are “out there”, in our midst. Be good to yourself, surrounding yourself with people who are stable, normal, and a positive influence.

Krista,

The guy you were involved with was absolutely a classic sociopath/psychopath. He did what they all do – hook you with charm and a pity play, getting you to feel sorry for him. You did what so many good, giving people do – you loved him and tried to help him.

Please understand that he cannot be helped. As he demonstrated with his cocky “I did nothing wrong” attitude, he is quite comfortable as he is.

Let him go, and be good to yourself as you recover.

The good news is that you are young, and you have learned a valuable lesson. These predators exist. Now you know it, and you know what they are like. You will never fall for it again.

the bright side, if there is one, is that you are finding out about the existance of psychopaths at an early age . You still have the rest of your life a head of you . Just imagine if you had had a bunch of kids with this guy , with the possibility that they might inherit his genetics . Stay away from similar personalities for a while , untill you find yourself again . Enlightenment is a difficult road sometimes . Hang on to your soul and hang on to logic . Logic I believe is your best defense against these kind of beings

Thank you for your responses to my story. I wish I had left him sooner, everyday I remember more and more things he did that made me feel worthless. When we argued and I wanted to leave a room to get some air he would chest block me (he is 6’1 and i am 5’0) and he would throw my car keys or hide them. He would also act like he was going to throw something at me to get me to shut up (which worked, I absolutely shut up because I was frightened). Yet anytime he would get really mad, he would act crazy and just leave the apartment. And I forgot to mention when he faked the arrest, before I found out it was a lie…he had the audacity to ask me to have sex with his as his “last wish before he goes to jail”…I just think that is one of the most hurtful, terrible, things anyone could ask someone to do when they know in the back of their heads it is a big lie. So after I found out…I was even more devastated that he would ask that of me as his “last wish”. Unbelievable. Everyday I get better and better, It boggles my mind what he put me through and how someone can act so insanely, but I try to look past it and to the future. I will never get myself involved with another sociopath again.

When I read these stories it infuriates me as to how helpless we are to warn potential victims or even the public at large about these evil people. I have just recently broken off with with a spath that I dated for 5 years. My story sounds like most of the others and I can barely make it through each day. I’m obsessed with getting “revenge” because everyone else sees him as a likable, interesting guy…and when I think of the turmoil and depths of despair that I’ve gone through…!! Anyway, my question is this: Is it against the law to place flyers in public places and around the neighborhood warning people to beware of him? I don’t know how else to retaliate and I’m guessing that he won’t even be embarrassed anyway. Also, can I just file a police report indicating what he is? I actually read on a website that it’s a good idea to do that but I’m not sure the police would take me seriously. How can I get his name out so that people will take heed? If I’m honest with myself, I’m doing this to not only try to make him suffer but to also warn others about him…there have literally been thousands of women he’s slept with so the idea of no protection just nauseates me. Any feedback would be so appreciated! This site is all I have since nobody I know realizes what I’ve gotten myself into.

Baltimore-It infuriates me that I went through this! And that other people have gone through some of the same things and even worse! I am glad to here you left your sociopath too, I am sorry you say you can barely make it through the day…it was like that for me for about 4 weeks. I attended an Al-Anon meeting, go to therapy for extra support, I also spend some time in therapy with the domestic violence advocates through the YWCA. I find myself wanting revenge on my ex and takes up about 40% of my day thinking about it. Normally I just fantasize about the revenge, I know he is too dangerous and manipulative for any revenge to go through smoothly. It is honestly not worth it, my biggest revenge was getting the restraining order for my protection. Although seeing him in court was AWFUL, it still made me feel powerful. If he harasses you, you can get one too. Or if he did anything really terrible in the relationship (like mine stole my prescription pills and smashed some of my belongings, a lamp and a mirror) then you can press charges through the police. Luckily I live in a small town and they all knew my ex’s history of criminal activity and don’t like him, so when I went to the police to file 2 police reports before I even got the restraining order, they were really kind and understanding to me. In your case, if they don’t know his history, or if he isn’t a criminal…going into a police station and saying your ex is a sociopath…probably won’t go over too well. I remember when I tried telling my mom and dropped the “sociopath” title she automatically went “sociopaths kill” well…little do people know there is SO much more to that title than meets the eye. Honestly, I worry about my ex’s future victims…but in all honesty, I really can’t go out of my way to warn them because I can’t be wrapped up in what he is doing forever. I need to focus on me, and you should focus on you. My ex’s other ex girlfriend tried to warn me through friends relaying messages/warnings and she personally emailed me when I first started dating him…I didn’t listen. Most people don’t listen unless they experience it themselves. They are master manipulators, I didn’t understand why she was warning me when he seemed so “perfect” I found out soon enough…Good luck, I take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. Being happy is the best revenge. You figured him out, just like I figured mine out…we are clearly smart, capable women. They are pathetic, heartless jerks…in the end…we win.

I have a question, so if you’ve read my story you know the situation I am in…I just heard through the grapevine that he is spending this coming Friday night (for his birthday celebration) in a town about 45 minutes from the town we live in…That town happens to be the town that my cousin’s wedding is in on…you guessed it…Friday night. I have been looking forward to going to my cousin’s wedding and enjoying myself then going out to the bars with them after the wedding ends…I shouldn’t have to now worry about my psychotic EX being there. That particular town has one very popular street with about 6 very popular bars on it…I have even celebrated my birthday there before, so he is 100% going to be on the SAME street in the SAME bars as me…now I have the restraining order against him and its a “full stay away” so he has to leave…but I don’t want to…and shouldn’t have to go through ANY of that nonsense when all I want and deserve is a good time out there…This is a particularly obnoxious situation because he knows this is the night of my cousins wedding because he was originally going to be my date. He very well may have forgotten but still…I had a male friend call him and warn him not to go out there…and he response was “dude I will f*&%ing beat you”. Then I called his probation officer and let her know the situation and if she could call him and advise him to not go (he is not even supposed to be drinking or anywhere near a bar due to his felony probation situation). I don’t know what else to do. Normally this would be a situation that I would avoid entirely and just not go to the bars after the wedding…but I have been waiting for this wedding for over a year and I seriously think I deserve to go out and enjoy time with my family and celebrate. I shouldn’t have to go home early and not celebrate because he happens to go 45 minutes away the night of my cousins wedding to destroy my time. And I also shouldn’t have to worry about him acting like a lunatic around my family and her friends if I don’t go…this is just ridiculous!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

eg88- No, I’m not familiar with your story but from what I gather you are definitely in a much more volatile situation than mine! In a way it’s a little easier for you because there are legal actions that you can take and everyone knows your story. In my opinion, I would definitely go out after the wedding because he’ll know that he’s won again by intimidating you, plus, you’ll have enough support around you to protect you both physically and emotionally.
My mind agrees with you about not seeking revenge and concentrating on myself, but right now my heart is consumed with ways to “get him back”. I try to stay busy, eat right, exercise and get plenty of sleep…all the things that should be helping me, but even when I’m exercising, I’m plotting! I was seeing a therapist last year who was the first person to tell me who I might be dealing with…I told her that I broke it off with him (which I did for about 6 weeks), then he called, I became entangled again, and was too embarrassed to go back to her. So, back to my original question…I know it ‘s juvenile but could I get in trouble for putting posters up around the neighborhood, gym, church, school etc.? I really am trying to leave well enough alone but I hate injustice!

My guess is yes…If there were posters of me up all around town saying I was a sociopath I would A.) freak out and B.) press charges. He would know you did it…in turn the police would know you did it…and then you have also fueled him to think he won by getting you in trouble and having him look like the victim. That would not be fun for you, especially if he wants to get further revenge on you for doing that to him. If you want revenge on him, there is other ways to do it that wouldn’t incriminate you or bring you harm. I suggest looking up online “revenge on your ex” websites and choose wisely for your own protection.

Dear LFR (“Krista”): I so hear you and feel your pain. Sounds like your x sp has ADHD like mine did. Just absolutely a ball of kinetic energy; right? Are we talking about the same person? 🙂

You said:

“I wanted him to be the man I fell in love with, with all that charm and saying all the right things. He always said all the right things, his actions didn’t.”

Oh yes…DISPLACED TRUST.
That’s what it’s called. We have to assume responsibility for that no matter if it is justified or not. We want to believe good from the people we care about so we tend to overlook and overlook and overlook and hone ourselves in to ‘suit’ that mutual friendship we THOUGHT existed, while all the while, they are just taking more and more of our breath away.

Mine did such a good job at that, he has threatened my life on at least four occasions “I” can recall and has attempted to will fully and negligently kill me without care nor conscious at all. In fact, found it very ‘delightful’ to see me on the edge of death because I know all his secrets and I am a legal professional until I had a massive heart attack that almost killed me (another thing I attribute to “IT”).

Yes, ‘not loving again’….but you see, that is what they want.
They want to crush us so badly for whatever reason they are so disposed to devastating those that truly care for them, they want to crush us so badly after we do NOT give them what they want, they are HOPING we will NEVER love again.

The only way to get justification for the wrongs we have been given in all this is to move on with our lives and not even give them the thought of day. They are NOT thinking of or considering US; are they? No. They are moving from ‘victim’ to ‘victim’ as we speak, plotting their ‘next escape’ to places where they CAN manipulate and dominate and control.

I found, in the start of this five year journey and adventure, that if you just refuse to participate they will move on to their next ‘victim’ because you are making it too difficult for them to use you up. It’s easier moving on to the next one. MINE is an internet dating website phisher. I wouldn’t even want to GUESS how many women he has on the line at one time. He thinks he is a real smooth and charming ladies man and he is. He can really turn on the charm but it’s only an act. A means to an end.

You hang in there “Krista”. You defend and protect yourself, the same way I have been trying to do. Enforce NC and don’t listen to those whines and sob stories anymore. YOU were in this relationship because YOU CARED GENUINELY. You were only a stepping stone for “IT” and the minute you made it difficult for “IT” to use you and you served no other purpose, you were left holding that ’emotional bag’.

It doesn’t do any good to help them over and over again; each time we let them back in, we are only proving to them how weak we are. What they don’t realize is that it isn’t weakness at all. In fact, we are THE STRONGEST. We project our kindness no matter how abused it may become. Our kindness is laughed at and taken for weakness. They want someone they can control. Once the ‘spell’ is broken and they realize they can’t control us anymore, we become fodder and are tossed away like a used up and broken appliance of some kind.

I have moved beyond and past revenge; in fact once I realized what a sick person he is, I felt no wanting revenge but a strong sense of making this legally ‘right’; but I DO intend to make this ‘legally” correct at some point. I have threats he has made against me on tape; I have emails and non stop harassment and phone calls. I have had police protection for the past 8 months without him even being served restraining papers yet.

I face to face broke up with him two months ago and only the past 3 weeks it has been absolutely quiet. It had better stay that way. Three weeks ago he sent me a ‘threat’ to not force the issue of pressing any charges for the things he has done to me. NO CONTACT. I have not broken it one time in two months. HE DOES all the time. He can’t go more than 3 months without trying to get back into m life again. I will NEVER respond again. NEVER will he hear another word from me. THAT is MY justification. I told “IT” the last time I saw “IT” he would NEVER hear my voice ever again or look into my eyes and I MEANT IT. How much do I give of myself to “ITS” illness? I think I draw the line AT MY LIFE.

He can just sit there and hope to God I don’t die soon. The minute I die is when his true nightmare begins and I am not spending what little time I have left on this planet (sudden cardiac death disorder) trapped up into this drama and chaos. I have made all the necessary provisions for things to be taken care of at my demise and that is the end of it.

There are no more words left to be said; no more phone calls; texts; out of the blue visits…it is OVER. Period. It is difficult to achieve finding that spot we were at in our lives before THEY came along and blew us out of the water again, and we will never be the same; this is so true…we will be wiser and stronger and more determined in the people we choose to have around us.

MY “IT” was the first and only serious guy I let in my life in just about ten years. And it was all a lie; every bit of it. I wanted to believe he really loved me so I overlooked everything, trusting what I thought was my best friend when in reality, he was my Angel of Death and I am not letting that into my life. Not after fighting so hard to come back from the dead.

Our justification in all of this doesn’t come from ‘revenge’…
it comes from our understanding of what just happened to us and making the necessary changes in US to not allow it to continue. Taking a stand. A stand FOR OURSELVES. When we seek ‘revenge’, it only makes us like them and we are above acting as heathen as they do. But, YES: holding them accountable, whenever possible, IS only being fair to ourselves.
It has taken me MONTHS to get over the anger and vengeful thoughts to a place where now I am just ‘so over it’ and “IT” better stay away from me or I will legally HURT “IT”.

I completely and totally support you “Krista” in your persistent endeavors. You sound so strong and so determined! I just KNOW you will make it.

Don’t worry about another ‘relationship’ right now; FIND YOU.
Be nice to YOU. I wish you nothing but peace, love and light.

DUPED

Injustice, revenge, those are being had in the silence and your refusal to participate. You must be careful what you do or say or it could come back on YOU as reinforcing all the stories I am SURE they are telling. You, the liar and manipulator.

When the relationship gets to this point, NC. I refuse to dive deeper into that ‘rabbit hole’ any farther then I have already traveled. From shouting and yelling, it goes to hitting and hating and quickly with them. They tell lies about us to others to get THEM entwined into that demonic cycle.

I just don’t ‘play it’ no more. I have more important things to waste my time and thoughts on. Even if it IS only sleeping. 🙂

The more we become upset and react, they like it.
Because they are getting a reaction from us. They LIVE for that adrenalin rush they get when they piss us off or upset us. MINE has tried ‘scaring’ me for the past four years. I am not afraid of him although I do think he is sick enough he will try again. IF HE HAS THE BALLS to attempt making it past MY PROTECTION that is. We’ll see. Time will tell.

I too, have prayed and hoped that one day I would just wake up and he would be there on his knees, begging me to forgive him for all the horrible things he has done to me. Although I am not sure if I could ever forgive him, I have reached the point that I don’t even care anymore. The 24/7 sobbing for the past four years has stopped. I don’t even allow it inside me anymore because it does such drastic things to my actual, physical, heart and makes me literally ILL.

The answers aren’t easy but I do know that any act of our revenge only fuels matters and lessens us as a person; they don’t care what we may do in revenge unless the law is involved! I have found that SOMEHOW they do listen to THAT.

It’s best just to find the strength to NC and if you have any legal issues with x sp, do take advantage of them because most the time they don’t like LOSING or LETTING GO and don’t take to it too easily. But WILL listen when the law speaks to them.

In the 9 years I have known x sp I have attempted to walk away so many times. Just FIVE TIMES since November, alone!
HE is the one always contacting me and I told him to stop it.
I told him to STOP all the internet/email/phone harassment and having others trying to always contact me or I would make it stop. The past three weeks has been THE QUIETEST since five years ago, for my life.

Displaced trust.
Don’t allow yourself to feel the pain…
I am a firm believer in AVOIDANCE BEHAVIORS. 🙂

DUPED

Duped- Wow thank you for responding to my story!! It sounds like you really know how I’m feeling, and yes I do believe my ex possibly has ADHD, I am not sure if its just craving of thrill though. I am very lucky I went through family court to get the restraining order ( we lived together so it is considered a family matter) and they served him the papers within about 8 hours and put the court date only 4 days later. I am lucky in the fact that he has never threatened me or my life, only his own in attempts to manipulate me. I believe he conformed himself to know how to push my buttons and what would really make me snap…if he ever hit me or threatened MY life…It would have ended immediately.
It has been almost 7 weeks since I broke up with him, about 4 weeks no contact on my end, about 2 weeks no contact on his end. It feels good not to be drained by his fake “sorry” “I’m begging you, please I’ll change” and “I’m going to kill myself”. I hate hearing the lies. I am in and out of revenge and anger mode, I am particularly bothered by him celebrating his birthday out of town on Friday when he knows I will be out of town in the SAME location, on the same street partying after my cousins wedding…I contacted his probation officer and she is going to call him and set up a probation meeting tomorrow with him and tell him not to step foot in that town, and also drug test him (I am sure he will fail)…so he might go to jail! So it feels AMAZING to have the upper hand as far as law enforcement goes. Although I am aware he could potentially get very dangerous and become a threat to me. This is the last time I will intercede with his probation officer unless he breaks no contact and I have to tell the police because of the restraining order. If I hadn’t been waiting over a year for the wedding out of town and really deserve to enjoy myself, then I would normally just avoid the situation…but he is NOT going to interfere with my happiness this time, not anymore!
I am so happy you left your ex! I am so happy you are taking care of yourself and healing from the mayhem he put you through. You hit the nail on the head when you said “I too, have prayed and hoped that one day I would just wake up and he would be there on his knees, begging me to forgive him”…that right there…is exactly what I wished for, for about 6 weeks. I still sort of wish he would so I could laugh in his face. I too have stopped crying and can’t wait to fully heal from everything!! Good luck with everything and thank you again!!

Hi eg88…

Yes, unfortunately, I DO know how you are feeling.
Funny ‘how’ I knew about the ADHD thing – 🙂
What about the bipolar thing? hehehe

Oh yah, just a ball of mess. I stupidly thought I could help and ended up being the bad guy unjustly just so there was someone else to blame. It beats IT taking responsibility, you know. THE MASTER never takes responsibility for anything because they are all knowing and omnipotent.

FORTUNATELY, me and x sp never lived together and that was by my insistence. Sure, I loved and cared about him LONG before I found out he was married because HE deceived me for many years, keeping that ‘dream’ in my head alive so it could be maybe cashed in for later. Who knows when you might need a place to sleep; a little sex; someone to love you unconditionally and will tolerate ANYTHING you do. WRONG.

I am happy eg88 you have your legal restraining order now. Oh yes, they conform themselves and mirror the images back to you of the things you WANT to hear and feel. That is manipulation and it is a part of their emotional/psychological make up and disposition. I hate to give them any sympathy but they really can’t help themselves in a lot of ways. Recognizing that does NOT give them a license to be the way they are because ALL OF US at some point in our lives need to strive for being the BEST and not THE WORST! I have no sympathy for someone who consistently does the same stupid things over and over again, my full well knowing they have had the opportunities to change negative things about themselves, the same as I have. Changes in ourselves in our life is not easy but that doesn’t mean we should stop striving and live primal.

“I will just kill myself; I am no good to anyone; I have no life and no where to go. You don’t want me, the wife don’t want me…wah wah wah….” Yet, THEY are the ones who made THEIR LIFE exactly the way it is. They don’t want to see it because they are either in denial or their brains aren’t wired the same as our’s with compassion and awareness of consequence of action.

The worst sp I know of is the one who is aware of ITS disability and uses it as an excuse for acts of evil and forgiveness thereof but will constantly do so over and over again.

IF an sp admits to having a problem and thinks a little ‘I am sorry!’ <while stomping their almost 50 year old foot) but yet does nothing to change and USES their condition as an excuse to escape one evil misdoing after another. If an sp admits to this scenario, they are NOT as sick as we perceive them to be. In fact, just the opposite…they are superior in intelligence.

Think about it.

I would start staying away from doing anything to incite him in anyway especially if you think he is prone to violence. A person such as this is very unpredictable in what to expect.

I have known my x sp for almost 9 years now, mostly by text, phone call and visits. I thought I knew him very well until his propensity for violence against me started showing itself.

Where I would not hesitate to be in his presence, before, NOW, it will not happen EVER if I can help it because I just simply do not trust him. If the heavens opened and the doves flew down with the Angels and said I could trust IT again, I still would have a difficult time with it. So, it's over for me.

I do not bother him and I wish not to have IT nor IT's acquaintances contacting me ever again.

DONT YOU DARE LET YOUR "IT" interfere with your happiness.
MAYHEM: That's a great word for it; isn't it? 🙂

Yah, our last farewell "I" accepted the invitation for a visit just so I could speak my mind and have some kind of closure. We spent a couple hours walking around town in full view of everyone and there seemed to have been a cop at every turn. It was memorable, I am sure.

Yes, don't let that sorrow overtake you the way it has me, the past five years. It completely controlled my life in every way. And it was done all from afar, mostly. Only time he came around was when he needed to 'maintenance' the relationship or wanted me for something. Most of the time, it was sex and a place to feel 'at peace' without judgement. That is a thing of the past. I was in denial the whole time believing the lies I was being fed. He just don't 'get it' yet but he will.

Thanks for your support and for sharing your story.
The validation we find amongst ourselves, here, at LF is absolutely priceless. Just know you are among supporters who definitely understand and care because we are all on this journey together! 🙂

Good luck to you too eg88.
Best wishes and Blessings…

DUPED

The level and master of manipulation that has taken place in my situation should be considered legally criminal and I have been told it is. Because I have an eventual fatal heart condition, I refuse to waste any of my ‘life time’ on this garbage but instead focus my energies on myself and bettering the quality and happiness of my life. Like Donna said: “I have found a self awareness, through the bad times…” It comes hard but it eventually comes if you allow it to.

It is painful letting go of that ‘dream’ that they fed you.
It was so perfect, it seemed; did it not?

Manipulation and mirroring. Who knows WHY they are the way they are but they are; we know that for sure. Interesting notion: “murder by manipulation”. Quite the concept but one that was very close to happening to me along with a couple bold faced attempts through negligence and disregard. Smugly too, I might add. Where sp was never afraid of anything before, suddenly IT is paying attention to consequences. They don’t like dealing with ‘consequences’ of their actions so they will either blame YOU for everything or try to get rid of you and shut you up. Neither is happening to me any longer because I am just finished with it. Like I told him: “Don’t make me hate you for the rest of my life. I am seeing you to give you the opportunity to make it straight between us, once and for all. This is it.” He couldn’t even handle that without being a smug butthead so, guess what? DUPED pulled the plug on the whole roadshow!

Five years of manipulation to the point of my demise and the amount of abuse – no, it’s over and I wake up every morning happier than I was the previous morning. It’s like my peace and joy with life is increasing the farther away I get from the vileness.

PEACE.

DUPED

Duped- WOW you blew me away again with you response. You are very educated on this matter. As far as bi-polar, I just think it is pure narcissism and sociopathic tendencies. It’s funny you wrote at the time you did, I just received my first contact from him, I have the right to contact the police, but I will let it slide until the next time because this message from him is just too enjoyable. I don’t know why he thinks I have a boyfriend, but read this
“suck my dick, already got a bf thts crazy u never loved me bitch thats wild i hope u have a shitty time i still love u to this day and think bout u every day but u hate me and always have and i cant belive u have a bf already
by the way thanks for the happy bday
and thanks for ruining my bday now u have a bf u got me going crazy now thanks alot hope u rember that i will always love u”

HAHAHAHA that was AWESOME. Not only did he tell me to “suck his dick” but he called me a “bitch” then proceeded to say he loves me. HAHAHAHA is this a sociopath or WHAT!? Wow that felt really good, I feel like I’ve won a little.

Our stories are similar with the manipulation, being used for sex and control. It is terrible how they act with no remorse. I love when you said “murder by manipulation”, so many times I literally felt like he was killing me, I remember specifically one time I actually told him to punch me because I’d rather feel that pain.

Have you ever thought of pressing charges, or suing for pain and suffering? I am so used to my sp being a criminal that it is easy in my case. I don’t know if yours committed criminal acts. I am happy you are waking up every day happier and happier!

eg88: Didn’t mean to blow you away! 🙂 Funny how similar all our stories are; isn’t it? Different scenarios but pretty much the same story. hahahaha: You said “very educated on this matter”. Hmm…is THAT what that was? 🙂 Yes, I suppose it was!

The farther away I push him the closer he wants to be. It’s strange. He just wants a chance to get close to me so he can follow through with all his threats. IT is hoping I fall for that ‘swoon talk’ again, which I am not, no matter how much ‘the little girl’ inside me wants to believe in fairy tales and happily ever-afters, it is not going to ever happen.

That IS strange you received a message from him just when you did…while we were talking about this. He sounds childish. You should keep a log of all the different times he has contacted you with date, what was said and time. Just keep it in a file on your desktop and when you need it, you will have it on hand. Hopefully you won’t ever need it but it will help bolster your claims if you keep a log and/or record of his contacts with you this way.

I have enough of those to fill a whole computer!
Nine years (for me) is a lot of correspondence! Some of it very nice and good and loving and some of it not so nice, good and loving. Most of it harassment and manipulation and threats!

No contact and be absolutely faithful about it eg! Don’t get sucked back into that cycle of madness. It isn’t ever going to change because they have no values as we have. OBVIOUSLY or they wouldn’t be the scheisters they are! Right?!

Yes, it is terrible that they act like they do with no remorse. It is a complete narcissistic attitude and I, for one, am not standing for anymore of it. NOT when my life is on the line. I just am not. No amount of my caring, understanding, kindness is going to make any difference to the situation so I just keep it away from me. I have made this break five times since November and he never sticks to it. I never bother him. I have not spoken a word to him since I kicked him to the curb almost 2 months ago. Told him NOT to contact me nor correspond with me any further and that I MEAN every single word I said about prosecution. That he should seek legal counsel and advice and prepare himself for what may come because I am finished with all of this and putting it out of my life.

It has been a struggle. Nah, although I have thought about suing him in civil court for pain and suffering, I don’t care about cluttering my life up with all of THAT either. The attempted murder charges he made against me are covered and I don’t and won’t worry about that until after I die. It will be dealt with at the time of my demise and he doesn’t know when that is coming; if it will ever come. IT can live with some of ITS own indecision. Let IT worry and wonder ‘how I am’. If I am still alive or dead. I have a major, major, heart condition and could just drop dead at any moment. “SCDD” they call it.

No, NO CONTACT and I MEANT IT.
I would imagine the looming threat of prosecution for an attempted crime that IT KNOWS it tried on me and I KNOW it tried on me and half the law enforcement in my town KNOWS it happened to me….I imagine that looming threat is very uncomfortable and has a tendency to push one over the edge and that’s fine with me. Break NC and come by…please….
we can get this over with in one flail swoop then.

I refuse to live this way and I refuse to not only NOT have this in my life, I refuse to CHANGE my life in any way whatsoever because of it. IT CAN CHANGE by staying away from me and leaving me alone. I have NEVER been more exasperated, insulted, disrespected and used and injured in my life because of “THIS THING”. It is not going to continue.

Yes, “mine” has committed many criminal acts and the only one he has had to answer for, so far, was a felonious assault against his ex wife. He is on probation for quite a while over that. HE is the one who did these things and nobody else. With me out of the picture, he has nobody to blame any longer.

If I just refuse to participate any more, I have no more involvement. There is no amount of ‘explaining’ or trying to make IT understand what IT is and what I AM and what has happened to our friendship. I just don’t care anymore. It is hard to care when someone purposely tries to kill you and you are told to ‘shut the hell up and quit whining’ about it. Then you are threatened with harm if you attempt any further steps towards prosecution. I am sorry, threats only make me more resolved in my decisions and I am not changing my mind and IT knows it. Paperwork, etc., has already been shared with the prosecutors office and they are aware of the situation.

It can try to kill me now but it will only initiate the process and beginning of his prosecution. So, if this IT wants to try sp’ing ME, I learned from the MASTER: SPATH HAS BEEN SPATHED.
Period. I need IT for absolutely NOTHING and never have.
IT was IT spinning the lies and the webs. I believed the lies.
And I thought I was smarter than that so ‘educated’ is a term that I am not sure I deserve. 🙂

Thanks for the wishes of waking up happier and happier…I hope YOU are too. I know it takes a while to settle down after the ‘big break up’ but it will come. Focus on you and your life and trying to make it as happy as you possibly can. Fill it with ‘busy’ and ‘avoidance behaviors’ and before you know it your endeavors will whirl you away into a lifetime of peace and joy. The peace and joy I know you surely deserve, My New Friend.

I am fine. I am retired now and self sufficient. 🙂 I am in constant counseling and under medical care/treatment for my heart condition. I have acquired a major case of PTSD and MDD during this experience, along with the likes of agoraphobia. It has been so bad, for many years, I should have been institutionalized because I just was not functioning as a normal person. I lost so much weight; about 65lbs within a matter of a years time; had a massive heart attack from stress, that destroyed 70% of my heart muscle, so they tell me.

I refuse to be a part of this disrespect any longer.
I like to think I am NOT becoming the monster I just defeated but can’t help but wonder. I think as long as we keep on the path of light and goodness and just-ness and right-ness, we will be alright. We have to struggle with this experience not changing us and turning us into a bitter person and allowing that bitterness to block the goodness we might be able to find in life.

Thanks eg88 for sharing. There is great comfort in like minds and experiences coming together and sharing.

Happy night and don’t take his contact lightly.
Be aware; be very aware. KEEP THAT LOG!!!
Make sure someone is aware of your situation, aside from the authorities and you may want to re think not reporting the contact. If I had a restraining order, “I” would!!!!

DUPED

eg88- Thank you so very much for your insight and wise advice! And of course you’re right…I know any kind of retaliation would make me look like “the unstable one” so I will try to put my thoughts aside and concentrate on myself. And after reading the posts between you and “duped”, I realize that your stories are much more serious and heart-wrenching than mine, and if you both have the courage and discipline to move on with your lives, then I should follow your example.
So…thank you for your advice and concern. I hope you have better relationships in the future!

If he contacts me ONE more time I am calling the police. His probation officer called me today and said she is going to have him come in tomorrow for a “spur of the moment” meeting and she is going to drug test him. I don’t know if she followed through or if he made an excuse to get out of it tomorrow…but according to facebook he is still planning on going out to the bars tomorrow night in the town that I will be in. He is so unfair and out to try to destroy my night in hopes to gain control of the situation. I guess I have to suck it up and either not go out after the wedding…or if I am drunk and angry enough…pull out the order of protection and ruin his night…How dare he! I unfortunately responded to a few of his messages today, in a very wise, sarcastic, degrading way…it felt good but I won’t respond to anything else, and if he says one more thing then I will contact the police. It is unbelievable how he can write the nastiest things to me then write how much he loves me…he is extremely bothered by the fact I have a new boyfriend (even though I don’t have a new boyfriend lol) and I think if he goes out to the bars tomorrow night that he is looking to beat him up like he did with his other ex’s new boyfriend after they broke up. Oh well…I went to an AlAnon meeting tonight which was incredible! I shared my story and the people were SO nice, a lady even gave me her gold angel pin to have during my hard time…it was so sweet of her…and believe it or not I even through out there that he was a sociopath, and that lady told me HER ex husband was a sociopath and an alcoholic! It is so refreshing to meet and talk with people who know what it is like.

Duped-I wish you ALL the best in your journey for healing and hope everything goes well with your heart condition. And thank you very, very much for the support, kind words, and words of wisdom.

Baltimore- I am pleased you have decided to not retaliate, as it could be detrimental to a healthy recovery. I am glad you are finding strength in the posts on this website like I have. I am happy I shared my story (as embarrassing as it is) because I have nice people like you who listen/read and comment. Good luck with everything. I wish they had a “Healing from a sociopath anonymous” group!!!!

eg88: yes, dear…just remember the more contact you have with “IT” the more you are opening that door to more of the same. I was thinking, this morning, over coffee and I came to a realization regarding my situation and that realization is this:

“I” wouldn’t have gotten involved with him in the first place, if he had been up front and told me he was married. It’s a little too late after someone has gotten you to fall in love with them and after they have manipulated you so well, to back away from those feelings and emotions. (And I will have to remember to blog this before I get away with my day; because this is an important realization…) I WOULDNT HAVE GOTTEN INVOLVED IF “IT” HAD NOT BEEN PUTTING IT OUT THERE. PERIOD. How dare him try turning this around on me. HOW DARE HIM! He tells lies. Everything that comes out of his mouth is a lie. HE IS A LIE.

Ha: what a realization over coffee; right? 🙂

I hope your weekend goes well eg88…you be careful and don’t make waves. Thank you for your wishes…I will remember you in my prayers over the weekend and wish you nothing but joy and a way past this. You deserve a good life. YOU REMEMBER THAT!

DUPED

How dare him is right!! I always used to say that to my ex, “how dare you”. And yes, they are one HUGE lie! Even the smallest things noone would ever think to lie about, they lie about! It is disgusting and disgraceful.

So the wedding was amazing and I came to the realization that….7 weeks ago (from today) I broke up with my ex…If I had to go to that wedding between 3 and 7 weeks ago…I would have been a wreck. BUT I had an AMAZING time with family!! I danced, enjoyed life, great food and drinks, etc! I also realized how incredibly happy I am for those (like my cousin) who found a true and wonderful man and that they are so happy. Infact, I am so happy now. I got him out of my life and I am alive again, I was dead with him. Life is looking up. 🙂

Oh yes, eg88, life is definitely looking up! 🙂 yay!
I was just having my morning coffee, enjoying listening to the birds waking up and thinking to myself:

“YAY! I AM FREE OF IT!!!” YAY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kind of gives me ‘glee’ as I had as a small child when I JUST KNEW something exciting was coming along! 🙂

Keep up the momentum, eg88, and NO CONTACT.
Thanks for letting me know how your night went…
Sounds like you had an amazing time; keep it up! 🙂
I am starting to realize that ‘back door’ contact is equally as devastating. I think it was Oxy who said: “NO CONTACT means NO CONTACT; no back door stuff!” And that is correct.

The only way to get out of it and over it is to just refuse to participate in the roadshow. Yes, you are right, eg88: they ARE one HUGE LIE after another. Right, they even tell STUPID lies that they know are not true. And then CONVINCE themselves that the lies they are telling are the truth. That is what makes them such amazing actors/actresses. That would be a good line of work for them if they didn’t have so many other issues. 🙂

Have a HAPPY FOURTH OF JULY WEEKEND eg88!
Brush that ‘trite’ right off your shoulder and move along…
YOU can do better, just like I can…

BEING ALONE is better! xxoo

DUPED

I have been sad for 2 days, especially tonight. My mom moved out of our apartment yesterday and I miss her and the company…so that could be a factor. Also, he has messaged me about 7 times…calling me terrible names, then saying he loves me forever and thinks about me 24/7….why am I missing him? I HATE nights like this, I thought they were over. I am truly sad, lonely and missing him. Why is this happening? Why am I feeling this way? This is so unfair…its been 7 weeks…I thought I was over these bad nights…

Iam a lady, now 50, with congental dislocation of the hips, and have operations every 7 years, taking it unturn for one. I have 2 fushed discs in my back, a lap banding, had a tummy tuck, 2 fushed discs in my neck. When I gave birth tomy son, without the father of a six year relationship, he ran from me, preg witha bad back, my son had to be fostered out for 3 months, at 18 months old. He is now 23. He also has a mentalillness, which has been very hard on me, with all my ops. I was like a model, ontill I had an operation that went very wrong. I was not only in pain every day, but couldnt do anything, I went from 60ks to 124ks, of course I was depressed ontop.every time I had to have a op. My son had to get looked after by strangers. He was also bulled at school, about how quite he was and how fat his mother was. Anyhow I had a lapbanding done, and lost real fast 30ks, got my self a lawer to fight my case it was real black and white. ( I can write about that later if any one wants to know) This went on for about 6 years, the lawer had problems, never on time, always losing things, telling me he didnt sleep, sorry for his sorry for that. I tryed to change lawers but no win no fee, and I would have to pay him out, so I was stuck. THen I meet my lovefrand, I meet him at the pokies, It was the only thing I could do besides, paint, read, all boring stuff, any how, I was additted to the pokies well I thought I was.. explain later. He was so nice, so charming, rang me all the time, went to the doctors with me, ran after my son down the street on time, when he was having one of his fits with knifes, he took the load off of me, charmed him down, excepted that I would need opertions, he told me he would even be with me even if I was in a wheel chair, that he would even become my carrer if needed. He looked after me though an opertion, looking after me totaly. He was wonderful, we got engaged, I was on cloud nine. If I won my case, we would get married straight away, and he said, even if I lost tthere was a bad up, his place, he would sell it and we still could get married. We went to the pokies, but I would always have just what I could afford, he was always borrowing from me, pay me back, borrow. After 3 years of being with him, I lost my court case. Then he changed, he got moody, he wouldnt talk and when he did it was about money, why did I buy this, dont show it to me, about how much I was asking from him each week, I looked after him he never payed or looked after my neededs and wants. He just payed for his food and expences. He resented every giving me any thing in gifts, he started to blame me for every thing. except breathing in and out, which he would have if he could have.
It got to the point I asked him to leave, It killed me, I was so much in love. really this is what he had wanted. It wasnt long and he was back again saying he was sorry, he loved me once he could again, he was so f##k** up that no one would ever want him, at least we didnt have affairs, so I hought we were making up, with him living at his place and me at mine. A couple of days went by and I hadnt heard from him, so I went to his place, he went off his head, about Xmas presents we payed for, so I offered the money back. But then he said.. did you ever think I was ever going to sell my place and live with you! betrayed. the whole 4 years a total lie, I went home crying my eyes out. Then about 2 hours later I get on my mobile, from his mobile, would you please stop storking love fraud, I am having a relationship with him, and I adore him. I kept smsing over and over, give me back the money, he was put in a postion that he had to give it back. Then I didnt see him for 6 months. In those 6 months, I got depressed again,my pain level has gone up due to stress, on 40mgs of morfine every hour. I couldnt eat, couldnt sleep, couldnt clean house, and I am an house prod person. I was a total mess, I lost weight with not eating now 75kgs, but that ok, but it shouldnt have been done like that. I couldnt go out. Family and friends, well I lost friends, and family just sick of hearing it, (just move on) xmas came, and I had crisco food delivered, far too much of it, and 3 months of it was his that he payed for. so I sms have crisco food of yours. will put it on your door step 5mins before your home, so you dont even have to see me. He got back and said I was a life saver, he was having problems at work may not get xmas pay,ect as the company was in liquidation, he may lose his job. I had stopped playing the pokies, which was good, but it was cos I didnt want to leave the house any more. I knew it was part bull, but still gave him extra food ontop. I knew he lost his money to pokies. That was it it was all on again, He is so sorry for the things he said, never say never, I just might come back, she is not what I want not for the long run. lets be friends, So we became friends, then lovers, ( I would never dream of doing what I found my self doing) but I was hoping he was going to come back, and be that charming man I meet again. 7 months went past, Yep only 2 weeks ago this happened. I told him, its her or me, if you come back I want you to get help, as your hurting others and yourself, I feel for the other woman, as she must be in pain too. I thought I would drive to the pokies to see if he was there, yes he was, tapped him on the shoulder, he jumped out of his skin, only playing a little, I told him well you can buy me a drink then carnt you, he told me the telling machine was in there, but he brought one for me, after I gave a look that would kill. I asked has he been thinking what he wants? He said hasnt had time, his parents are sick, and dad maybe dying, soory no excuse me being here. We went out side with the drink, I said I just wish you would talk to me, he said I have to keep a low profile. ( brake up or not he wouldnt want to be the bad guy having an affair on her) he told me she and he had, had massive arguments over me. This also has made him not be able to think clear. You see when he meet her, he lied about me in all ways, money, and storking, which was untrue. So he would want her to know he has been seeing me and would have to deny it. But the poor woman nows in her heart, and she is also like me now, Mr charmer has grabbed hold of her heart to, and dosent want to know. ( sometimes I feel like telling her) as she also has a bad back, and one hip, and might have a work cover pay out, plus she is paying off her own unit. So I said so you no what you want then, as 2 weeks have passed. He said no he still dosent no what he wants. I left, I had not even go back home and he sms me, I can come around if you like. The man I still love, is having us both on now,cake and eat it too. I am now trying my hardest to no have him in my life any more. But I am so upset that he has wasted 6 years of my use of my legs, and I will be in a wheel chair soon, and it will be so hard to find myself another man to except my problems, plus to trust someone else, flowers gifts, even fantastic actions, can mean nothing.

Blond- Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry you have all these ailing medical conditions on top of dealing with a spath. I am also very sorry that it has only 2 weeks fresh, although I know you have been suffering from him for much longer. I remember being 2 weeks in and feeling just awful. Please, please, please don’t go back to him. And please, please please cut ALL contact with him, you may get harassed but please stay as strong as you possibly can, it will help speed the recovery process. You can block his number/s through your phone plan too. He is running back and forth between you two because when one woman doesn’t give him something he wants or can be in control of…he runs to the other, and so on and so forth. That is so unhealthy, degrading and disgusting to have to go through. We have all been there, he will NEVER change…and don’t worry about her…she will find out on her own time how deranged he is. Please focus on yourself, your health, and your recovery. If you are able to, seek a therapist…they can really help. In the meantime focus on each day, each hour, each minute instead of dwelling on “wasting” time with him (you didn’t waste ANY time with him, HE wasted time with a woman who saw right through him and he LOST) and you will learn the most valuable lessons from this situation. Yes, it feels awful now…but you are STRONG and did the right thing. PLEASE stay strong…the cycle would have NEVER changed if you stayed with him. GOODLUCK in your healing journey…we are here to talk.

July 6 –
“Pity me the heart that is slow to learn what the swift mind beholds at every turn” – Edna St Vincent Millay
It’s the same for all of us. Somteimes we know very well that a decision must be made long before we’re emotionally ready to carry it out. Perhaps a health crisis demands a new way of life, or maybe the time has come to terminate a toxic relationship. Whatever the issue, the conflict is the same – the mind has decided to let go, but the heart hangs on.
We shouldn’t be surprised at this phenomenon, or too disappointed in ourselves. Of course there’s a lag between knowing and doing. As in all other aspects of working a program, admission comes before acceptance, rarely alongside it.
While it lasts, the conflict is painful. But it doesn’t last forever. If we keep pushing toward truth, our emotions will let go of our unrealistic fantasies, and harmony will be restored.
I am willing to work and wait for inner harmony – I know that it will come.

Thank you for reading my comment, (its not nice) but is nice to know there is people that understand, the pain, the sadness, and the emotions we go through, and why we still keep going back. It takes just that last kick up the arse, the just one more thing and so much strenth to say no. no more. thats why I understand you eg88. which that we lived near, so we could support each other. Just thank god there is this. Love blog. people reading, you should see, what a sociopath does to you. there so cruel, and you just dont get it, how could they do this to me. What did I do wrong. Well we dont do any thing wrong. and still we love them.

No problem Blond, I wish the best for you…and myself…and anyone who has dealt with a lunatic/sociopathic/jerk! I meant to also tell you, if you have a YWCA around you, you can go see a “domestic violence advocate”. That’s one of the places I went for help along with the meetings I attend and therapy sessions. Believe it or not…you were 100% in a domestic violence relationship. Domestic violence isn’t just physical…its emotional, manipulation, mental abuse as well…which is severely painful for us…I told my EX once, “I’d rather you beat me right now than treat me the way you do”–that was one of the lowest I felt…at that point I knew I had died and he was winning. Whether the women at the YWCA have dealt with sociopaths, or just plain abusers…they understand on a BIG level. Stay strong, and keep NO contact…if he is starving, bleeding, dying, helpless, homeless HE will use, manipulate and control someELSE to get his needs met. NOT YOU anymore!!!! WE deserve good lives, we are strong, intelligent women who escaped the grasp of evil, heartless men!

Well shit hit the fan, seen him in at the doctors, and spoke for awhile when leaving. We were seen by his other woman. I told him she seen me. later when he got home, he txt, yep she bloody seen you. I wrote back, well its probley time to tell her the truth, see if she understands like I did, ( she already had a feeling about us) as he said they aruged over me. But later when I drove past, we all live about 1k apart so we have to drive past each others place, but I did have a good look. Yep all is well, he has no light on, and its been a few hours and he has managed to bull shit and lie to her face. You wait and see the abuse I will get tomorrow when he is at work, thats when he sms me. It will be all my fault. He is the lier. Having me on for 7 months, saying to me that he is not really wanting to be with her not for the long run. Any how I will not take it, I will not answer any thing. But I may get her coming down one day. I am not affaid of her, just I think he has rubbished me that much, she will be in a rage, I will talk carmly to her, not let her in, cos of my health problems, (which she wouldnt no about) but tell her I am not the emery here. I feel for you, just as much as myself, if she wants to no the truth, then I will tell her every thing. but if she screams, I will tell her she will have to find out the hard way like I did, and swollow it. As for me, I am so sad. this shit head grabbed my heart so much. Now its come to a head, and He makes out to every one Iam a bitch, and I got him into money problems, he turned every thing around, so he turnes out to be the good guy, me the trouble maker. In away I wish she would knock on my door. like us all though, I dont think she wants to know. This is the lady that sms me, to tell me to leave them alone they are having a relationship and adored him. when he just seen me a couple of days before, and made love, and a few weeks before that was saying he was sorry to me, and was making up again, she totally freaked me out. I didnt know he was saying sorry to me, and beeing with a new woman as well. I put it down to, back then he had rebounded. I mean she only lived 2 doors away from him. Any how I am still full of excuses, I know. I hurt so much, and he is such a lier. see waht happens over the next few days. keep you informed. If any thing happens to me also I have wrote it on here. I have also told my parents just incase. He has done some terrable things, to people for drugs in his past, so you may never no. One hit to my head, and I could die. I might be over doing things, but I have never had this situation with him ever before. maybe nothing will happen????

its been afew days now since, we got caught, by his rebound, that I also feel sorry for, as she has no idea yet. I havent heared any thing, dont worry I havent done any thing about it either. The only thing I have done is cry and cry, I realise that he has gone for me, one he thought I was going to have money, but two, is I am a vonrable person, I have disabililtys that with all his caring affection, and actions, eg going to hospitals, and doctors with you, that your heart just falls so hard, that what makes it so hard to let go. The lady he also has been and still is having on, is also maybe having a pay out,hasnt so far, thats why he has gone back lying through his teeth, still may get a pay out, she also, has a bad back and one hip. The thing is all those wasted years, now I can hardly walk at times, shes not going through this let, but will do, you say dont worry about her, it just hurts me to think how cruel he is and still is being, not really caring about any of us. and I should just hit my self, why why if i know all this do I still love him. I am hurting so much

Hey Blond, I am very sorry your struggling with this…I feel your pain. It is very understandable why you would feel so upset, yes he was there for you at doctors appointments and showed you affection…but he is not really that person…he had alternative motives behind his actions…which is terrible, I know. Just know it get better in time…it really does. It will come and go in waves of sadness, depression, anxiety, etc. I didn’t cry for a month until 3 days ago, and I have cried every night…its a process. We have to take it one day at a time…they damaged us, betrayed us, used us, hurt us, and the worst part is…they go on with life JUST FINE as we suffer…Please take care of yourself…cry if you need to cry, but please seek help if you need too…the meetings I go to, and therapy I go to really help me.

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