The State of New York just passed a law allowing same sex-couples to marry. Opponents of same-sex marriage complain that the practice undermines the institution of marriage. Therefore, Congress enacted the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA) in 1996, which bared federal recognition of same-sex marriages and allowed states to do the same. DOMA also created a federal definition of “marriage” and “spouse”. Marriage is defined as a “legal union between one man and one woman as husband and wife,” and spouse is defined as “a person of the opposite sex who is a husband or a wife.”
To all those who really want to defend marriage, I say that nothing undermines the institution of marriage more than sociopaths who use the institution to defraud others. I spoke with someone yesterday who is trying to protect a friend from just such a situation. The sad truth is that it is not a crime to lie your way into a marriage then use the marriage to prey upon an innocent spouse.
In most states when couples apply for a marriage license they have to raise their right hands and swear the information provided is true. Sociopaths have no problem honestly swearing to false information. As Sandra Phipps of Fight Bigamy says “Getting away with multiple, fraudulent marriages in our country is a snap.”
With the help of Sandra Phipps, I surveyed victims of bigamy about their experiences and asked them to complete the PSCAN an instrument developed by Robert Hare to allow non-clinicians to share information about another person’s psychopathic personality traits. I presented the results of this survey at the May SSSP meeting. It is no surprise that all of the bigamists score in the very high level of concern for psychopathy range.
I would go as far as to say that Marriage fraud other than for immigration is likely the only crime committed only by sociopaths. Furthermore, family members especially parents and spouses are the primary targets of sociopaths.
If we really want to “defend marriage” we have to enact laws that make marriage fraud a crime. Why shouldn’t it be illegal to lie your way into this social contract? Why shouldn’t those who commit bigamy get more than a “slap on the wrist”? Authorities routinely say to bigamy and marriage fraud victims “You should have been more careful.” These statements are based on a “blame the victim” mentality that could be applied to many crimes.
The true defenders of marriage need signatures for their petition to develop a National Marriage Database. I encourage you to sign the petition but also say we need to go further and make marriage fraud a crime.
Click here now to Sign the petition
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Dan, thanks for the article, though there is one thing in the list of how to accomplish trust is “leave the past alone”—the problem with that is if your partner is CONTINUING the things that have been problems in the past….for example, lying. If today’s “problem that we need to work through” is LYING and there has been a problem with lying in the past and before that and back before that, such that the problem of today’s lie is a continuation of a PATTERN THAT GOES ON AND ONE…it isn’t the “past” it is the NOW.
If the action took place once in the past, or even twice and has NOT reoccurred since then, then yes, it is “the past” and should have been worked through and then let go of.
Unfortunately dealing with people with personality disorders, there is no “past” resolution it is continual turmoil and chaos and betrayal. What work for two honest people will not work for dealing with a psychopath.
I think it is crap that gay people cannot marry. My best friend and cousin are both gay women, and I feel terrible that society treats them so horrible. It sickens me to see or hear people ranting about how awful it is.
I used to go to a pregnancy form (I am pregnant), but I couldn’t stand to go there anymore due to the judgmental mean stuff they would post (and get away with). The last thing that just did it for me was when they were talking about how they would just abandon their own children if they were gay, and that gay people should be put to death (according to them and the bible. pfft.) The whole thing made me boil inside, and I refused to go back there ever again.
It is shocking how a lot of society seems to be so self centered and judgmental. It seems so many people are out for themselves and feel that their ideas are the only ones that matter. I wish more people would learn to step in the shoes of someone else and try to feel what they are feeling (except for the personality disordered people as I have learned the hard way that they take advantage of you when you attempt that with them).
Sorry to ramble. I am just having a day where I am so sick of people being mean.
I just really wish that somebody would help me understand women-why do they make you so happy and so tied up in knots at the same time.
I am against gay marriage. I am afraid another sociopath will manipulate me for money…
miss elizabeth – tis not her, tis you. you are infatuated, hidden, and wanting, but knowing you are not in a right place, and she is possibly not a right woman for you – regardless of how infatuated you are.
i was very much infatuated and in love with a st8t woman i worked wtih when i was in my 20’s – up and down – i have never felt such mood swings before or since; will she, won’t she?????? it was elation and then hell. she played with the idea for awhile (and my emotions), then of course, as she was st8t, she backed away. it was horrible.
that said, really i think you should just tell her. you don’t have to ask for a relationship with her or tell her how you feel about her (but, i would) – just tell her you are gay. watching you go up and down and all over the place about this woman – it’s about you – about your desires, fears, and repression. personally, i’d advocate for letting the whole thing just blow up – because this is HIGH drama and you are twisting in the wind.
this is old dyke advice. for what it’s worth – this isn’t worth it.
jen – hear hear!!
BBE – you are against gay marriage BECAUSE you are afraid of getting conned, or you are against gay maariage for some other reason AND you are afraid of getting conned?
i come from more radical roots – if some folk want to get married OF COURSE they should have that right, but personally i had had hoped the homos would figure out something better than ‘marriage’.
I think if gay people want to get married that’s great but I don’t necessarily feel a need for it on a personal level. My friend and her partner have been together for years but they just don’t see the need for it either. It’s not gonna make a difference in how they feel about each other and it won’t change their committment to each other either.
onestep-I think it’s all gonna come out sooner or later and it may be sooner than later.
Dr. Leedom, et al -it’s curious that the the social response to a fraudulent marriage is to blame the duped spouse and dismiss the crime. Why is this? It’s the same for all us who were duped – we are blamed, and the perps are not seen as having ‘really’ committed a fraud worthy of being called a crime. Why is this?
i am trying to find a paralell social phenomenon. Blaming the person victimized used to be de rigeur in cases of rape. the women’s movement and anti DV movement has gone a long way to change that. it was education that led to social change which led to legislation change and different application of legislation.
does this (historic) dismissiveness have to do with women having been ‘chattle’? and men who are duped are considered to be as ‘stupid’ (or worse) than women? does it have to do with the general populations’ denial of spathy?
and if we are talking about bigamy as part of marriage fraud, this wouldn’t apply to those populations who knowingly, without deceit, are polygamous.
the women who have posted on lf who were duped and married by married men have a special healing to do.
okay, i will put ‘bigamist’ on the list of ‘definitely spath.’