I have heard a lot of people give advice about how the best way to get rid of a psychopath is to show him/her a “grey rock” of emotions. While I understand that this means that I cannot let the psychopath see any emotion beyond that of an emotionless grey rock, putting this theory into practice has proved to be one of the hardest things to do. I still believe I will have my moments, but it took an extreme situation for me to tap into what I needed to understand in order to achieve my own version of “grey rock”.
The “Extreme Situation”:
Baby boy had another rough 72 hours which landed him two more hospital visits. We started out in the hospital a few days ago after he spiked another fever, had another seizure, and this time turned blue in the process.
There has been nothing in my life more terrifying than seeing my son not able to breath and appear as if he is dying. I had to simply hold him and wait for an ambulance as there was nothing medically I could do to help him. While I felt like panicking along with my poor little boy (and I initially did), that moment allowed me to dig deep and become the rock that my son needed. I found the strength to calmly give the paramedics information and speak to the doctors in actual sentences that appeared to make sense. I didn’t realize how strong I had become during this year of “Luc terror” until the doctor applauded me for being able to remain so calm during such a terrible experience. I thought to myself, ”˜this woman doesn’t know what Mama has been through’.
Practicing “Grey Rock”:
Luc was supposed to have a visit the day after this medical emergency began; however, given the state baby boy was in it was only reasonable to cancel the visit. There was no way I was putting a child who had a fever of 105 in a car with Luc (whom he still barely knows) to drive three hours round trip just so that Luc could play dad for the day. While Luc was busy throwing a fit with the supervisor via text message (requesting proof that baby boy was actually sick and insisting on a makeup visit), it occurred to me that I may have finally gotten to a point where I realize the insignificance of Luc.
This weekend I think I finally achieved “grey rock” with Luc. When the supervisor texted me for reports and told me, “don’t be surprised if he insists on a makeup visit”, I simply said, “my number one concern is baby boy and NOT Luc’s visitation schedule. You can tell him that I will provide him with the necessary documentation of baby boy’s medical situation to document my reasons for canceling the visit.” I wasn’t upset about his antics because there was no point. I had more important things to be concerned with other than how Luc was feeling and his threats.
Lawyers: A Necessary Evil (and an occasional reality check)
On the morning after baby boy’s hospital visit, I had the first civil conversation I have had with my attorneys in months. I called them about a conversation that I had with the supervisor the day before. The supervisor was insisting that I send the emergency plan I had created (in the event my son has another medical emergency while with Luc) to Luc’s attorneys. My attorney had been resisting any sort of communication with Luc’s attorney and insisting the supervisor be the one to pass the paperwork. While Luc insisted that he still obtained legal representation, my lawyers weren’t buying it.
After several days of this ridiculous back and forth, I finally got a straight answer out of my attorney. He said, “whatever comes out of Luc’s mouth…consider it just words. I don’t believe his ‘old’ attorney wants anything because if she does, she knows my number and can call me for it. Luc is full of crap.” He doesn’t believe Luc has an attorney anymore (attorneys tend to stop representing you when you won’t pay them). While my attorney still assured me that they had my back (which I had started to question), they told me to do my best to ignore Luc’s idle threats and just move forward with my life.
It has been a roller coaster of emotions with my legal team as sometimes I wonder whether or not they are more concerned about their reputation and bank account than doing what is right. That being said, the attorney I spoke with re the above conversation helped me to further put things in perspective. He helped me to realize that I was putting way to much stress and weight on the words coming out of Luc’s mouth. I had been allowing Luc to get the best of me when, really, he is insignificant. I am not sure what keeps making me think that Luc is capable of telling the truth, but my lawyers were right – Luc isn’t going to start being honest now.
Finding My Definition of “Grey Rock”:
Even during a very stressful weekend dealing with a sick child, Luc was trying to terrorize me via our court ordered third party (the supervised exchanged professional). My attorney served an important purpose in reminding me that I am baby boys legal custodian and that no matter how much Luc tries to throw a toddler- style fit about that, he can’t force the court to see him as the healthy and fit parent. He cannot change the fact that I will always be “mama” to my baby boy.
This weekend was terrible. I was awake for about three days straight watching baby boy sleep, constantly taking his temperature, and administering medication in order to try and prevent another Febrile seizure. During the hours spent awake watching baby boy, I had a lot of time to think about our little “family situation”. One of the conclusions that I came to is how much I am able to control my sons environment. I will be the parent he turns to when he is sick and needs protection. He will be able to rely on me through the good times and the bad ones. Nobody will ever be able to take away the bond me and my son have with each other.
It was through both the turmoil and the reality check from my attorneys that I came to my two part definition of what “Grey Rock” means to me:
- Emotionless Grey Rock: This refers to the act of giving the psychopath no emotions to feed off of. This is like torture to a psychopath. They hate it when they don’t feel relevant and they will be tortured when they realize they can no longer create chaos in their life of their victim. No matter how much of a fit I might be throwing inside, I need to channel this emotionless grey rock when it comes to Luc (and by proxy the drama fueler supervisor for the exchanges).
- The Mama Grey Rock of Strength: This refers to a mother’s ability to be the rock of reason, stability, and love for her child. I cannot help that my son’s father is disordered – that he is a psychopath. I can, however, be the strong supportive rock that my son needs. I will not allow Luc to take that from me with his attempts to drive me insane.
Just Another Disordered Encounter – “Insignificance of the Psychopath”:
Finally, baby boy will likely encounter many people during his life who are disordered. His father, unfortunately, will be one of them. This weekend I was able to see our custody situation for what it is. Baby boy’s father is a visitor. There will be times when baby boy is sick and when these visits will not occur. Luc will continue to throw fits and threaten to take me back to court. He will continue doing anything his evil (and feeble) mind can think of to terrorize me and attempt to exert control over both me and baby boy.
Despite having had several moments over the past year when I have wondered if I am going crazy (because of Luc’s reign of terror), I consider myself relatively psychologically healthy. During my life, Luc hasn’t been the first person on the spectrum of Psychopathy (though possibly the only full blown psychopath) that I have run into. Now that I understand more about the disorder, I can identify many people from previous bosses, ex- boyfriends, and even family members who have many characteristics on the psychopathy spectrum. I would love to be able to shelter baby boy from these people and all of their negative influences, but I realize that is not our reality. The best I can do is to not allow the terror to negatively impact my relationship with my son.
Living with Luc was like living in hell. I thank God every day that I was able to leave that man before he killed me. I am also thankful that my son will never have to see me put up with abuse at the hands of Luc. He may not understand why I left his father for some time, however, when he does understand my guess is that he will respect me more for making the decision to leave. I also have hope that he will see me as his “Mama Grey Rock of Strength” who protected him, loved him, and helped him become an emotionally healthy man.
Lov10,
Do NOT speak or write another word to him. DO not give him any more info.
Do not take anything he says or writes personally. Do not worry or give them any thought……..except what he is REALLY telling you through these words.
He is giving his ‘game’ away to you, but you are too emotional to see the jist of it.
What he’s telling you is all projections.
He’s taken your words as threats to up his game. You must not give him a heads up on what you plan on doing or not doing.
Don’t threaten him with I’ll call the police……do it! We give them a heads up because we think he will quit when he ‘realizes’ how mad we are or upset or whatever….it only feeds them.
He’s told you how he’ll counteract your calls to police.
You must document this all in police reports.
DOn’t worry about him doing any of it, but if you get to the police FIRST and file a EOP (extended order of protection) then it’ll all be on record.
You can’t avoid a mess a spath creates, but you CAN manage it.
You’ve got to pull the trigger first. Get to the courthouse…..call the police and document his behaviors and allow others in authority to see how much fear you are living with.
I wrote a long post to JCB a few days ago on the topic.
I’ll see if I can find it and repost here foor you.
Good luck,
Remember, he who hesitates (with a spath) loses.
ErinBrock says:
JCB,
Welcome to LF and I understand your predicament.
First off, don’t think for one second that there is much ’follow up’ from the authorities in a EOP situation.
If you need an extended order of protection get one! And follow through EACH and EVERY time with reporting ALL issues.
An EOP serves as more of a ’message sending ’ tool.
IT’s not the ’golden fence’ around us.
It’s a tool also to help the authorities prosecute with harsher charges/consequences. IT also makes them aware that there has been issues with the subject.
The orders are logged into a local and sometimes national database. Each contact he has with authorities will reveal this about him.
If he is pulled over in your neighborhood for a broken taillight, and they run his license”..they will be alerted and look more into WHY he is in your neighborhood etc”..if he has a file on you sitting on his front seat, the authorities will be alarmed at why. As opposed to if you had no orders at all, they wouldn’t think twice on a file on his front seat. (does that make sense?)
He also can not have a concealled weapon or any weapon if he has a EOP against him. He’ll be asked to turn them in to police. So if you know he carries or has weapons, make that known to police and the judge.
Judges are really only concerned with what he’s done in the recent past—like 30 days. So get on filing your orders.
You will be able to use it to ’build’ a case of stalking and harassment against your ex.
Don’t expect him to be arrested each and every report, in fact, don’t expect an arrest at all—on most occasions.
It’s another tool that law enforecment like to have in thier posession. IT makes it easier for them to make arrests under the circumstances you describe.
Not sure what state you are in, but in my area the district attorney advised me to also seek a stalking and harassment order, in addition to the already in place, DV EOP.
One is criminal and one is civil. And they can be doubled up.
In my state they are both only good (extended) for one year.
We’ve had to go back for 7 years to file a new order, serve him (twice each order), and go back for an extension hearing.
A real pain in the ass—but then again, so is being threatened and stalked.
In the US, you are not charged $$ to serve or file these orders.
The process is, you generally are A. either issued an emergency order of protection for up to 30 days, until the subject is served. Make sure you write in the paperwork you’d like an extension hearing when you file.
A hearing is set”..you appear and explain why you feel in fear of your life etc”..and the subject is also invited to appear. (he is not required to do so)”..and the judge will ask you how long you want the extension for (look up your state laws on the max time and what fits your needs)”..I suggest the longest period.
You will be asked to present your case, documentation etc”.
He will be asked his side and then the judge will rule.
Just because he doesn’t show up, doesn’t automatically get you a restraining order. You will still be required to present your case.
It doesnn’t take much to attain an order. And you do not need an attorney for this!!! Most courts/Police Depts or Da’s offices have advocates that can help you go through the process if needed, and they will also appear in court as moral support only.
I found the advocates very UNHELPFUL.
I used one the first time, but moved forward on my own.
I will caution you”..and this is VERY IMPORTANT, you must work this case and follow up with each step.
Find out the process and touch base with ALL agencies to make sure they have your paperwork on file in the local PD, make numerous copies of the orders and keep them on you in your car, home, office and give one to each person he has used to harass you.
Encourage everyone to file a police report if he continues.
NO”.again, he won’t be charged each time”..but if he keeps it up”..you’ve built a line of documented issues.
There are alot of loopholes in EOP’s. And alot of agencies who are required to be involved in the protection of you.
My spath was arrested twice, and got off twice.
But eventually, it sent a VERY clear message to him that I intended to follow through each and every time he stepped on my line, kicked in my front door, approached my friends, clients or kids friends, sent mail or whatever.
LEAVE US THE FRICK ALONE!
He’s found a new dupe and it’s been quiet since APril, when my adult child filed his own order due to him stalking and chasing him around town with the new dupe.
JR named my other kids and me in his order.
I expect the shiat to start back up again in April—
It doesn’t really stop.
It’s important you keep a log and file on each occurance”..forever. You can go back and look at situations and mention them in court sounding logical.
I also recommend you take copies of your local police depts WITNESS STATEMENT FORM. BLANK.
You’ll need them.
You can have them filled out before the police arrive and streamline the time for all in dealing with each incident.
ALSO, before you turn in each statement”..make a copy for yourself!!!!
If someone else files a statement (police report) have them make a copy for you PRIOR to giving it to the officer.
Get each responding officers business card and badge number and keep it in your file under each incident.
You need to be organized. And you won’t be able to get copies of any police reports until after a case is ’resolved’ or dismissed.
(Unless a judge orders it).
Much easier to keep your own copies in your own files.
Each time you go to court, make two copies of each document. One for the judge and one for the subjects attorney or him himself.
NEVER give anyone your originals of anything!!!!
You probably won’t be successful at attaining charges against him at this point. (I know this isn’t what you wish to hear). Even if he threatened your life—the DA’s office and police want a restraining order.
With what you have, you’ve got plenty to attain an order of protection.
He’ll be notified to STOP or there is consequences.
Depending on your ex—and how far he will push the envelope—he’ll either stop, or ramp it up, or walk the fine line.
Also, let me caution you”..there is a statute of limitations on how long others will care about this harassment”..so you must consider this. Your friends, family and employers”..nobody wants ’trouble’”..and spaths wear on them too.
Don’t be surprised when people start walking away from you because of this drama”.it happens>
Keep your discussions about him and the incidents to your own personal concern only, short and sweet and just let everyone who asks know you are in fear and hope it ends. and keep it brief and don’t keep talking about it.
It will extend the support you recieve.
I was lucky and live in a small town. My local police were well aware of this douche and eventually became ’up’ on his antics and games of smokescreening to get away with his own agenda of drug sales.
I still see cops and each time they ask about where he’s at and how we are doing. I’m lucky they all took an interest in us and our safety. In larger cities, it’s not the case.
Getting a EOP is the easy part”..enforcing it is another.
Demand your right to live in peace, work in peace and not be harassed.
You’ll have to demand”..trust me, many cops will say to you, oh, i’m sure he means no harm—they don’t get it. Some do, some don’t.
Speak rationally and clearly and know your rights, and relay your fears. and demand follow through.
Hope this helps.
Good luck to you!
Thank you for your advice ErinBrock and I’m going to read your post. He is so a projector. He knows what I am and what he is not. He’s saying its absurd I could call him a manipulator. It makes me cry to read those words how someone could have no soul. No regard for how they’ve hurt another person.
I have worked so hard for my career. I’m so proud to be where I am. I’m an honest hard worker. For him to say these things infuriates me. I know his threats are empty right now but honestly judging from how he operates- if I got a restraing order I could see him retaliating and try to ruin my life. I swear. If restraining order would stop him God as my witness Id sleep outside the courthouse now. But I’m afraid it will infuriate him. Is there a way for me to go to the police tell them all this with the emails. Just to have on record. Do you guys think there will come a day where he just stops this all and leaves me alone?
Lov10, all the questions you asked have been answered by everyone who has given you advice and you keep asking the same questions over and over.
Take a deep breath and reread all the advice you have been given.
Quit letting your FEARS keep you from “hearing” what we are saying. He iis still controling you through your fears. He will NOT leave you alone as long as you keep letting him get to you. (((hugs)))
I know you just want him to ‘go away’.
That is what we all wanted. But, they don’t usually. Or until they have another source of supply. And even then, some of them juggle us…..come back for more spathtic abuse.
I am not that familiar with your situation, and I don’t know your spath, so it’s hard to tell. BUT they are tenacious.
what has helped me is I always make my decisions based on what is best for ME. (and kids). I don’t regard spaths possibilities as part of my plan.
I have set up a stop gap around us, I KNOW the spath I deal with, and I have become aware of his tactics and why he does what he does.
No, none of it makes sense….don’t expect that.
But, they do things to get attention. And they sure get it.
If you ‘hit’ hit hard enough to knock his ass out. (legally speaking). Do as they do…..if you do anything…..do it and follow through to the hilt. And follow through again.
It’s like ‘shutting’ them down.
Who gives a shiat what HE says about how you think. Give him no room in your head. Show him no emotion. They like emotion and being in control of others.
Go with what you know about yourself also. Don’t let him shake that or make you question that in yoruself. Another tactic.
If you live honestly, and have no skeletons in your closet, I wouldn’t worry about his attempts at ‘ruining your life’. He will look like a nut.
If you got a TPO and he retailiated, he’d be in legal trouble.
Caution: If you DO file for a TPO…..don’t do it unless you absolutely WILL follow through and not drop it later.
IT invalidates you and your story along with the needs of others for protection!
Who gives a shiat about HIM and how he’ll be infuriated by anything. That statemeent alone tells me you are walking on eggshells.
It won’t change until he feels he’s in total control of you.
Is that how you want to live.
You’ve got to walk through the fire to get out.
It’s hard…..buck up!
XXOO
EB
lov10,
I know how you feel. REALLY, I DO. I didn’t get an RO on my spath because I was afraid of the same thing. But, I let enough people know that I knew what he was, so that word got back to him. His mask had fallen and for now, he has slithered away. (My situation is different, because he actually had the cops working FOR him for YEARS, harassing me, giving me tickets, etc.)
Spaths ACTUALLY do “respect” authority. If you’ve ever seen a spath in front of a cop, it’s like watching Eddie Haskell, from Leave it to Beaver. They are the ultimate brown nosers.
This is because they value their masks more than anything. Your spath doesn’t think you will call the cops (or he wouldn’t have sent those threatening emails), that’s why you have to do it. We must respond in ways that they don’t expect. It makes them think our buttons are broken and they go away.
You have to get the cops to know what he is or else he might go to them first and accuse you of attacking him. My spath brother did this to me. It’s what they do. They use the cops whenever they get the chance. BEAT HIM TO IT.
lov10, I SO TOTALLY agree with Oxy and Skylar and Erin…..
I had a year long stalker, who sabotaged my car, and continued to contact me, despite my direct requests for him to leave me alone.
I went to the police. I have not heard nor seen a bit of him. That was about one year ago.
I understand your fear. But it is implanted, by him. Take what you have, share it with police (and email it to friends). Don’t say a word to him. Cut him off COMPLETELY. Do not respond, directly to him, in any way.
If you feel his voicemails are evidence against him, listen once, save them and share them with friends/family, and then LET GO No need to feel frustrated and angry and worried. YOU are fine. With abusers we need to place a full coat of armor around our hearts and minds, and REMEMBER who WE ARE. Who actually gives a stinky poo what HE thinks of you?
He is a lunatic. His conclusions are flawed. Critically flawed. DISREGARD them.
Yes, you fell for a lunatic. It is humiliating, and we all like to avoid that awful feeling. But you can feel your own humility, and survive.
Take care of your heart, your life, your livelihood, and future happiness.
Slim
love10,
it seems to me that he’s operating under the impression that any threat of yours is an empty one. I have the impression that he’s counting on it that you will try to work it out as it is, without involving authorities.
If you warned him that you would involve authorities if he ever contacted you again, you must do what you said you would. (Not sure that you did though)
This is a bold sociopath: he tried to make a scene at your work, make you afraid of something he knows that you should know and that possibly threatens you (that’s a trauma bond tactic), he’s threatening to smear you at your work. It had no response yet, but no authorities either. Hoping silently for him to go away has had no result so far, and hasn’t lessened his scare tactics and threats.
Lov10, sociopaths act enraged, insulted as if some great injustice was done to them with great aplomb, but their actual rage is very cold and calculated. The drama and the violent gestures is not imo the biggest threat. It is the ice cold hate with which he calculates his next move that would worry me the most. Understand that he was already enraged with you before he ever met you. He was already enraged with you when you chose to be with him. He was even more enraged and hates you with every fiber of his being since the day you ran from him.
When dangerous spaths make lots of noise, it is usually to call attention away from the actual plans and intent. They’ll flip from one mood to the other in no time, exactly because it’s an act, including the insults, the threats, the “anger”. It is to make you emotional and subjective, so that you will overlook stuff and make mistakes: such as trying to solve the problem yourself. He’s making you focus on his act and fearful of what he might create for trouble at your work. This makes me think it’s a smokescreen to lower your vigilance on other plans he may have.
And that is why I think you need a RO.
Lov10, without intending to sound harsh, WHY do you keep READING his emails?!?! You do realize that even reading emails or text messages is still contact.
I’m leaning more towards a RO for him and some good, strong counseling for you to help you extract yourself from this clearly obsessed individual.
Back_from_the_Edge wrote it perfectly: stalking is NOT an expression of love, desire, or any OTHER romantic notion. It is a very serious threat to one’s safety. Please, don’t fool yourself into the very foolish belief that stalking is a form of FLATTERY. It’s a form of psychological RAPE.
“No Contact.” That’s what it boils down to. And, from this point on, any time that you break No Contact, you are inflicting this pain upon yourself because you are cognizant of the fact that this person means to deliberately harm you.
Brightest blessings
Skylar you are lucky that he has left you alone. Hopefully he has gotten the hint I can’t imagine the fear and anxiety it must have caused you him working with the police. I want to get a RO but he flat out wrote if I go to the police he will exploit me. So where does that leave me. I’m not going to lie I am afraid. Trying to think level headed. Of course I am not responding. I don’t even know what to think or say anymore at this point. I just met a guy not too long ago, very sweet who happens to be a cop so I was thinking of talking to him and getting his opinion. I don’t know if I ever mentioned this in my past posts but I did have a restraining order on him in the past. It was a criminal restraining order and then it expired after 6 months- the DA told me oh he’ll get the hint after it’s up don’t worry. Well he didn’t. There was no way to extend the other either I asked. He violated the order 3 times. I had him arrested all 3. Didn’t phase him. He could care less about getting arrested. From my knowledge in this area police want to see the words ” I will kill you ” ” I’m going to hurt you” to have them take action. These emails are him posing me as the lunatic. I’m nasty and crazy.. Yes I have had a RO on him in the past to help credit me. I know if I did file RO it would not stop him and I risk him retaliating. I think For now I’m going to report this to the police as stalking harassment … So there’s record. I thank you all for your advice and I’m sorry if I sound all over the place. My head feels like a blender spinning around!