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By September 25, 2012 52 Comments Read More →

Love After The Sociopath

I’m finally beginning to properly ”˜get’ the age-old adage that life is a journey not a destination. Let me assure you, my particular journey continues to be filled with the most bizarre ups and downs, and I’m coming to realize that truth really is stranger than fiction — well, in my case at least.

Many peculiar happenings and coincidences have been going on over the past few weeks, most of which I am not currently at liberty to share. When the time is right I will put pen to paper, but until then I’ve decided to fulfill my urge to write by focusing on my own personal experiences around the subject of love after the sociopath.

Being Human

As you’ll know if you read my last post, I am now in a relationship with a wonderfully caring soul who is the polar opposite from my ex-husband. He’s been through his own tragedies, losing his previous partner to breast cancer. He is real, he has feelings, he cares and, most importantly, he is human. That means that like me, he has his failings. It means that his responses are not always perfect. Along with letting me know how much he loves me he also freely shows his confusion, demonstrates his hurts, and tells me when he feels in any way upset.

My own responses though, I am coming to learn, often stem from learned behaviours that I came to know from my time with my so called soulmate. Life with him was so darned perfect that there was never a cross word nor anything that caused me to even consider that our relationship was anything other than a dream come true. That dream, of course, turned out to be a living nightmare — but I didn’t know that at the time.

So when Patrice (my Frenchman who speaks no English) becomes quiet or reserved, I instantly question his motives — wondering whether he, like my ex, is trying to manipulate or control me. Of course when my ex was around, I had no such internal guidance or red flags. I just took everything that he showed me to be true, and I continued to shower him with unconditional love. By the time his mask was slipping, I was so far hooked in to his trap that I believed his strange behaviour must be due to something I was doing wrong. And I responded by showing even more love and understanding, opening my heart and soul even wider to embrace and reassure him, so that he would know without question that I loved him wholly and completely. I thought that was what marriage was all about — my ability to love him through whatever issues or problems he was facing, choosing to show more love in the face of his increasingly irrational put-downs and snide remarks.

Trust Without Naivety

From the beginning, the only thing I have promised Patrice is complete honesty — and that is what he gets. In barrow-loads! I continue to do my best to explain to him why I am no longer that naively trusting soul. To clarify why when there is something that happens to concern or rattle me — no matter how small — I will not brush it under the carpet. Instead I will meet it head on, gently in the most parts, and get to understand what it is all about.

The first few times this happened, I felt myself shutting off to him — and I told him so in no uncertain terms. I guess in hindsight mine was probably a pretty harsh comeback when all he was doing from his point of view was sharing his frustrations. For me, it was also incredibly challenging to really speak up for myself. To ”˜go there’ when the circumstances seemed in many ways to be fairly petty. But I did it because I felt there was no point if I kept quiet — where is the honesty in keeping a painted smile?

And I’m pleased that I’ve learned to do this. I’m proud of myself for questioning every tiny misunderstanding, so that together we can understand, learn and lay solid foundations. This is the first time in my life that I’ve felt able to behave in this way with someone who is so close to me. So what has changed?

Courage To Be Real

Well, I think that once again it’s an opportunity for me to feel gratitude for all the unpleasant and sometimes downright ghastly experiences that I’ve encountered over my life so far. When I became an orphan I quickly learned how to fit in, shut up, put up and stay quiet — in short how to become invisible. I learned to ignore my own cries for help, and to push down my feelings of pain and loneliness. In their place I chose instead to focus on understanding and helping others — little realizing that through doing that I was simply pushing my own identity further and further within me, until I didn’t even know who I was. Oh yes, I had a mask of my own. But my mask, unlike that of the sociopath, was one created for survival. One that hurt nobody else but myself.

The mask of the sociopath, on the other hand, is a carefully crafted guise of love and devotion, designed to disable their target so they bend to their every twisted whim and manipulation. Is it any wonder that I fell so completely, hook line and sinker, for his practiced act of adoration and love? Having been starved of such connections for so many years, my ex was like a breath of fresh air. I truly felt that I had come home, and that life would be forever rosy. Looking back I can’t help but have a wry smile, realizing that I must have been a particularly easy target for him. They talk about rose-coloured spectacles”¦ well, mine must have caused me to be blind, deaf and dumb to his scheming ways. I was so wrapped up in the dream of finally finding happiness that I simply couldn’t see what was right under my nose.

It’s only in recent years that people have shared with me their own views on my ex-soulmate. I’ve heard many words to describe the man I thought was handsome, charming, charismatic, and the life and soul of the party. Opinions such as ”˜cheesy’ ”˜fake’ ”˜annoying’ ”˜a braggart’ and many more are now being voiced by the people who knew him. When I ask why they didn’t tell me at the time, I receive the perfectly reasonable reply that they didn’t think it was any of their business. That I was quite clearly in love and happy with this person, so they didn’t want to rain on my parade.

I Still Believe In Magic

Hmmmm”¦. My own worst enemy? Well, perhaps so”¦ but only now with the insights I have learned through my own journey to recovery. Do I blame myself? Far from it! I am deeply proud of what I have survived — and I also believe that it was because of my stubborn belief in magic that I didn’t allow myself to go down when all around me was falling to pieces. Ironically, I now believe that it was those very same characteristics that kept me so blinkered to his ways (including my innocent belief in love and happy ever after) that eventually proved to be my salvation. Through the bleakest days weeks and months following the meltdown, I still held strong to my conviction that everything would work out in the end — even though there were many times when it would have seemed the more sensible option was to just give up and give in.

I remember consistently telling people that if I could feel so in love and so fulfilled with someone who was nothing more than a conman, then when a real man came in to my life, the experience could only be many times better! I confess that for a long time this was more of a mantra than a strongly held conviction — but you know what? It has worked wonders for me.

Because now, in the company of Patrice, I am able to check and double-check on everything that happens between us. I can ask what’s wrong when he seems to be less bouncy than usual. I can speak up for myself if I feel he’s being unreasonable. I can ask what he’s feeling when he seeks reassurances. I can tell him I need space when I feel too squashed. And I can let him know every time he makes me feel like a princess — and that feels great.

So, no, it ain’t always easy being in a ”˜real’ relationship after the false perfection that I knew for so long. But goodness knows it’s healthy and it’s honest. And through continued talking, sharing, hugging and learning about each other, I am feeling more settled, safe and loved than ever before in my life.

Does it mean I’m going to become a pushover with him? Heck no! I shall probably keep questioning even the smallest details for however long we stay together. I refuse to say ”˜forever’ anymore, because the last time I did that I lost any hope of remembering who I really was. Nope. This time it is day by day, and let me tell you that right now, with each day that passes, this particular relationship is more fulfilling, exciting, rewarding, challenging, and loving than anything I ever experienced with my ex.

As I said at the start of this post, I am finally appreciating the joys of life’s journey. I do not need to focus on a destination, because I will never be ”˜there’”¦ I am here. And here is exactly the right place for me right now. However long this particular ”˜now’ lasts doesn’t even matter in the grand scale of things. Because whatever happens in the future, I know I am at last able to be true to myself and to those around me.

So in actual fact the real love I’ve found is love for myself — and with that, no-thing and no-one can ever harm me again. As Patrice keeps saying to me “que des bonnes choses maintenant” which means “only good things now” — and you know what? I fully agree.


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52 Comments on "Love After The Sociopath"

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Thank you so much Mel for this wonderful article! I, too, had to reluctantly feel gratitude for the devastation wrought by my sociopathic ex-husband. Yes, he caused me tremendous pain – but the pain shattered the walls that I’d built around my heart, which meant I was open and available when real love came along. I can also say that, having been in such a sham of a relationship, I appreciate and savor my real love so much more.

A person has the exact amount of ability to hurt us as they have to give us joy…the more we love someone the more they can hurt us, but also the more we love them the more joy they can give us.

So loving someone is impossible without TRUST….and the more you trust the more you can love. Without trust, love is impossible.

As we trust and love, we open ourselves to joy. We also open ourselves to the potential for pain…either through the death of the loved one, the desertion of the loved one, or the abuse of the loved one.

No relationship in our lives is “forever”—even in the most devoted of love relationships, one partner dies before the other (usually).

I lost my husband to an accident, but he was 15 years older than me, so it was likely he would die before me. I married him, I loved him knowing that there was a good chance I would be a widow at some point.

Losing him hurt. But I know he didn’t deliberately leave me…he had no choice, but his leaving did hurt me deeply because we loved deeply. Would I do anything different? Would I have loved him less so that when I lost him it would have hurt less? Of course not.

It hurt when I realized that the Man I fell in love with after my husband’s death was a faker. A cheat. A liar. I grieved over him, and realized that I had let him into my life because I was still “needy,” hurt, and grieving over the loss of my husband.

Loving others, our soul mates, our children, our friends, our parents, leaves us vulnerable to loss of those relationships and the more we love those people, the more the loss of that relationship hurts when it finally does come to an end.

HOW the relationship ends can also be something that causes us more pain than the “ordinary” loss of a relationship. The BETRAYAL aspect can increase the pain by many factors….increase it well above the death of that person causing the end of the relationship. At least when the person we love dies, we don’t have to cope with the betrayal aspect as well, The wounding of our soul, the rejection of our sincere love.

Learning to spot the kind of person who is likely to betray us helps us to be cautious in giving our trust and our love to others in a way that leaves us open for “betrayal paiin.”

The RED FLAGS so clearly pointed out in Donna’s book, and here on this blog in 1,000+ posts gives us a guide line in how to keep ourselves safer and give our trust to deserving people. People who are also genuine and love us back.

None of us are perfect, and we can’t expect perfection in others, but what we CAN be and what we CAN expect from others is HONESTY. If we are honest with those we love, and they are honest with us…everything else can be “worked out.”

Without honesty there can be no “working out” or true intimacy.

I’m happy for you, Mel, and glad that you have found someone you can be honest with.

This is my first post here or on any other website about sociopaths. I just found out my ex is one. After 12 twelve years and a beautiful little girl that I so desperately wanted to have both her parents in her life happy and together. I’m crying as I read your post. I never let anyone close to me before him aside from physically and it’s tearing me up inside knowing that the one person I did trust is so sick. I didn’t even know these type of people exist. I guess it’s a lesson that I should have loved myself more before I loved anyone else. I hope one day God brings me someone who truly loves me and that I’m not so heartbroken to see love when it shows up. I will question it just like you are doing. You are doing the right thing. After feeling the pain of my heart literally breaking after he hurt me I know it is much to precious to give to anyone else and no excuses should be made. Congratulations to you for finding love again and for loving someone else again. There is a difference. And I think trusting someone else enough to give them your love again is probably the hardest. May your creator bless you for loving others as He loves you. Hope that’s not too sappy but I get emotional just thinking about love again after finding out I lived a lie for so many years. Good luck

Welcome to Lovefraud, mypain. Very sorry about what you are experiencing. Sending you lots of LOVE and hugs, and best wishes on your healing path. I will include you in my prayers, this evening. Love and Peace to you~ Shane

Mypain,
give yourself time.
The initial shock is just filled with emotion.
I worked on mine by reading, reading, reading about spaths. The more i learned, the more I read, the more I understood, the less it hurt. Not only was I distracted from my pain by reading, but I was also informed. It helped me to focus my emotional state.

You’ll see. Just TIME ALONE is a healer. it takes about 3 years, usually, be patient.

Sky, In your personal opinion, do you think it is normal that it has taken me almost 10 months thus far to recover (and I am still not quite ‘there’, yet), even though the duration of the relationshit was only that of three and a half months? Or could it depend on the depth in which he took things with me, in terms of both, the ugly and the pretty? Unbelievable to me how long I have been in a state of recovery, the ebb and flow, if you will…

Hi Shane,
That is a long time, proportionally, it seems to me.
I think that the length of time is relative to what drove you to the spath in the first place. If you had a disfunctional family then that isn’t long at all. You need to heal from all the spaths that you encountered BEFORE the big spath.

My experience with relationships is that I’ve never had a “short” relationship. Mine were always long, and always dysfunctional. 3 years or more. Yes, I’m very good supply and that is the reason.

In the end, I’d have to say that 10 months isn’t long enough to recover from most things. Imagine if it was alcohol that snagged you for 3 months. Would that be long enough? or meth, or crack? would 10 months be long enough? probably not. you would need more time to know that you were finally over it

With a spath, it’s even worse. They are human, not drug. They mimic humanity, yet they are addictive.
I can tell you from experience, that even if you know what they are, they are still addictive from the beginning. With me, the reason is that I had been groomed beforehand to love spaths. My family, my early boyfriends, everyone groomed me to love spaths. They are so charming.

The key to healing is to get past your upbringing.
it isn’t going to be easy.

My family, ironically is the most healthy part of me. I don’t talk about it here. I read about other’s families and I feel like am an outcast of sorts, like it wouldn’t be ok to express that I come from a healthy past, childhood, etc. Getting over the shock, anger and humiliation within myself is what has taken the longest of symptoms, to dissipate. Thank you so much for your response to my inquiry.

…I do see now, however, that prior to spath, I don’t think I had any clear boundaries. Of course, I do, now. Boy do I ever. But I am now looking at possibilities for spath entanglement, stemming from something, somewhere in my past. Working on this in therapy. If this makes any sense.

Shane,
I just lost a long post.
I’ll try again.

If you read my gray rock article, you’ll read about the man in the sushi bar. He saved my life. He told me about spaths.

Later, on the phone, he asked me if there was anyone in my family that I can trust. I said, “yes, my parents.”

As it turned out, my parents have issues too. My father’s mom was a spath or borderline. He told me stories about her but he can’t see her as anything but a saint. My mom told me more stories…

My mom’s family has so many issues too. But she can just barely see that.

I know an 80plus year old lady who cried on my shoulder, “WHY did my parents abandon me? why did they drop me off to be with other families?”

After learning a bit about her, I said, ‘P, you mom was trying to protect you from your dad. He was a pedophile.”

She said, “oh no, He wasn’t anything like that. He was an admiral in the navy and she was a nurse.”

Later, I talked to her daughter and told her what transpired between P and I. P’s Daughter said, “Oh no, granddad wasn’t like that, although he did fondle me once. I just stopped talking to him.”

WTF?

How could P’s daughter not understand, not see? I could see it from 3 generations later, and I BARELY knew them. P’s daughter has been the victim of 3 bad husbands and severe auto immune disease. duh.

Her (P’sdaughter’s) daughter weighs over 300 lbs, lives with her, won’t date any men and is a very authoritative nurse who makes big bucks.

The whole family is a disaster.

you wouldn’t believe it. But none of them see it. They all think they are great and money is all that matters.

BTW, I have talked to my own parents about their upbringing and their kids. They AGREE with me. They do understand, to a point. They know they fucked up raising us. Their solution? Money. They think if they give me money they can fix it. But they haven’t changed their behavior.

I’m not saying I know anything about YOUR family. I’m just saying that it’s REALLY hard to see. We love our parents so much. My own parents mean the world to me. You can’t imagine how much. Without them, I feel like I don’t even want to live.

What skylar is trying to say shane, i think is that there are generational things that prime us for sociopaths. No matter how healthy someone thinks their family is, there is unhealthiness present in ALL families. No family exists without dysfunction at some level.

It is known that children have an uncanny ability to deify their parents in some way, shape, or form. It is their family of origin. Parents wire a childs brain in development. Thats right. They are responsible for everything in a childs brain development. When as an adult, one can sit through therapy and objectively look at that family dynamic and decipher what happened from an honest point of some level of detachment from that biological desire to feel their family was perfect (a very normal desire), one can begin to see how that has impacted their current life. Its a tough journey to take, but the level of self awareness that results is sooooooo rewarding and will assist someone in guarding themselves from the next predator in the future.

To give a practical example, lets say Johnny had a father who did everything for everybody even if it meant being walked on at times. Yes, from the outside, its great to be a giver, but from the inside, a couple layers can be uncovered. 1. Being a constant caretaker for all and never doing for yourself can have consequences inside that person, it can be emotional, mental, physical, spiritual, etc and 2. Johnnys dad grew up with a mother who took care of everyone and his father was an alcoholic, abusive and walked all over his mother all the time.

So, now Johnny watching his father do the same thing because he learned it from his mother and has no idea what boundaries are, etc, Johnny learns it from him, Johnnys kid learns it from Johnny.

See where Im going with this here? No matter what, there can be 10 things coming from different generational elements of a family that prime us to be a target of these predators.

Is that your familys fault? Im not suggesting that. Im just trying to help you understand how there are layers that must be uncovered and thats exactly what your therapist will help you do.

I just want to emphasize the importance of figuring out what made us targets and educate ourselves both about those things and about the games the predator plays. Not to blame ourselves or our family of origin but so we can become more aware and be able to better protect ourselves. Not so that we will never trust anyone ever again but so that we may begin to learn to trust ourselves, to listen to that little voice inside of us, see the red flags sooner, to heal, to live well, and to have boundaries so that we never accept the unacceptable again from anyyyyyone, not just a predator.

You feel me?

Shane my last relationship lasted only six months and I too thought it was strange I’d use so much time to get over it. When the relationship ended I was in shock that I was so devastated over something that lasted shuch a short period of time. I asked my doctor about it and he said, he’s seen worse cases in shorter periods of time, it was not unusual at all. My guess is that spaths reopen ALL the old wounds and trigger alot of patterns at the same time, leaving the victim in a total mess. When you have, let’s say 20 patterns/reopened wounds/ trauma running at the sime time, well then you have a system crash withing you. I did not chrash this hard with the first spath (3 yrs. long relationship with more vilolent abuse I never adressed in the aftermath) , but now I am older, I understand more AND my body, mind and soul was already filled with enough trauma, it would only take a little drop to make it overflow. Now, how can you fix a system crash, with 20 destructive patterns running in only let’s say a month? It’s not possible. I for instance, never adressed my traumas and now I’ve got them all in my lap, my entire life is in my lap. This healing or recovery is a lifelong work. There will always be some triggers or something we’d need to adress within our selves, but I do believe the works becomes much easier by time. Once we’ve done the work, went thru the different layers, I do believe we don’t have to be so awake all the time, we can relax and just be in the moment.

I made a commitment to my self, I am going to take this and work with it, once and for all. I am never going to go thru this again. It it my promise to my self, a promise of a better life, no matter how long time this process will take. What is two years compared to the rest of my life?

Thank you for the warm welcome Shane and for the prayers. I truly need them.

Skylar thanks for the advice that’s actually what I have been doing reading about sociopathy as much as I can. That’s actually how I found out about him. His Aunt said I know why his does things to you because he’s a dog but why doesn’t he do for hisself or his child? So I wound up googling compulsive lying, unreliable and irresponsible at the same time and everything fit to a tee. Got him to admit it too. He said he felt isolated and different. When we talked again he said he wanted help but didn’t know if he could be helped. And by the third conversation he took all those words back and insulted my intelligence and started the blame game. I know this is gonna be a long journey to peace and sanity but it will be well worth it. If it takes 3 years or 10 I will never fall for this again and I will never put a man before God.

Mel, I really loved your article and especially about the fact that you can still believe in magic.

First I just want to say that I envy your French language skills :). I speak French but not well enough to carry on a conversation, never mind date a Frenchman! It’s too bad because French men are so sexy lol.

As I’m right on the precipice of what I believe is going to be a romance with a truly compatible and incredible man, I am learning that I left my belief in magic back in my 7th year. There was one summer when I was 7 when my father used to pick up me and my sister and take us to his gf’s apartment. (My mother and father divorced when I was 6). His gf had two children who knew all the kids in the neighborhood. So I would play with all the kids and have little romances with the neighborhood boys. There was one in particular that I got very close to. We used to make out a lot in a dugout that all of us kids made behind the apartment. Even at the tender age of 7, I was very boy crazy and a hopeless romantic. This is my nature. 🙂 But one day I showed up, and the boy I like had moved away. I never saw or heard from him again. Of course, he had no way to contact me. We only knew each others’ first names.

I never realized until recently how much I shut down after that. That, together with pain of the divorce and loss of my father’s attention, made me feel like romantic love would always be impossible for me. I developed the belief that if there was ever a man I really cared about, he would leave. And I have played out this pattern with every single man in my life. I’ve always been terrified to let a man know I wanted him. This is what I’ve been struggling with the past few weeks that has caused me so much anxiety. And I am finally turning the corner, with the help of a very good hypnotist.

I am starting to recover the magic in my life again, in every respect – at work, at play, and with men. And instead of running away from the man I’m currently getting close to, or pushing him away out of fear, I’m attempting to get closer. This is a new thing for me, breaking this old pattern of driving a man away before we he even has a chance. Or thinking that if I am vulnerable with a man, I will drive him away.

I’m really excited about having a new and more vulnerable/honest kind of relationship like the one you have with Patrice. Thanks for being a role model for me in this regard. I wish you continued happiness, Mel, and look forward to hearing more.

Thanks for sharing your words of wisdom with me, Sky, Stronger and Sunflower. Thank you for the link, Strong. I have read that article and the thread that follows, a couple of times, and one of the most profound statements (made by Sunflower) that has stuck in my mind is, in fact;

“I believe that our childhood and past isn’t only a place were we store our pain, therein lies the key to our healing”.

Therefore the reson for looking into this with therapist. Just off the top of my head, I remember sitting in a family therapy session when I was in my late teens, my dad making the comment “Shane trusts people too much”. Well, I would love to speak with my dad further, and dig down deeper about this trait I had always possessed…until the P came along, of course… and knocked the wind out of me. Things are obviously different with me in terms of my trust issues. I trust myself immensely, now, after a long road of healing from within. On the other side of the coin, I still lack much trust for others… Thank you, again! ~Shane

You’re very welcome, mypain. I wish you much healing success on your journey! X 0

my first post here also, my ex is also a sociopath/narc and I have been going thru menapause during this hell, somedays I didn’t know what was what. Also coming from a very traumatic childhood, I am scared to death to even have contact with a male, friends on social networks are fine, in person it triggors so many memories I run and hide in my cave. All I ever wanted was to be in a sweet relationship and live “happily ever after”, what ever that means. My ex has shattered my world, even after being broke up a year, I have had contact a couple of times but basically I guess I tried to see if we could be at least friendly on the phone in the hopes he would possibly pay me back any of the thousand of $$ he owes me, I kept giving some type of credit, STILL deep down I pray there is some semblence of a “human being” I tried the gray rock method, but I know now no contact is absolutely the best !!! I am just having the hardest time getting over and on with my life!! I want to be in a relationship but I have ZERO trust in 99.9% of humans now!! I have read many of these blogs and this was the 1st place I realized exactly what I was dealing with, I had no idea , now…….. I know so much it scares me, I still have the hope that one day we will RISE UP against these people !! It’s only a dream and Im sure the best defense is to share the knowledge we now know so people can look for early signs. I knew early on something wasnt right but I was so desparate to be loved I put up with anything and everything, that’s what gets me most I knew something wasnt right!!!

Frandee, welcome to Love Fraud,

You are first off NOT ALONE, every one of us here has been in a relation-shit with one or more psychopaths.

Every one of us put up with the abuse because we loved them, and wanted them to love us back.

To love and want to be loved is normal.

Learning about them, and how to spot them, and also learning about ourselves, learning how to set boundaries and to keep others from hurting us, those are the things we need to work on to keep ourselves safe. YOu can do it! Yoo CAN do it! you CAN DO IT!!!! Again, welcome to Love fraud and God bless.

I love your posts Ox. Ive been reading them for almost 2 years now. Your stories give me great encouragement!

Ox Drover
Thank you for the warm welcome, actually I have been following lovefraud for almost a year now……I have just never participated, I was in a few groups on some social sights but I had to get away from all the drama that was triggering me, I have a LONG history of abuse in my family that caused me to not understand how to choose a good man, like I said I was so desparate for any kind of love, I am in my early 50’s, not a dumb woman by any means I just didn’t have to right tools. I am learning what caused my poor choices and how to make better ones, right now I am just trying to get back to a peaceful me. It IS hard but I know I can do it!, I am if nothing else a survivor and I know that I have to set boundaries and let others earn my trust 1st. LoveFraud has been a lifesaver for me!! I hope to be participate more in the future but only have access to internet at work so……………

Dear Stronger, thank you, glad my posts give encouragement to others…that’s what it is all about. LF was my savior back in the “summer of chaos” in which I was sitting in hiding, feeling totally alone and scared out of my wits, feeling abandoned. LF was here.

Donna reached out to me and I clung to that hand. The articles I read by Liane Leedom let me know I wasn’t the only one in the world who was a smart, capable woman who had been SCAMMED out of my life and my love. That meant so much to me, and I want to pay that back to others, to assure them that they are NOT ALONE. NOT STUPID.

Frandee, glad you are here and glad you are reading, keep on reading, and learning. No matter how old we are when we finally SEE THE LIGHT it is going to help us live the rest of our lives by that guiding light.

God bless.

Shane, It is good to hear that someone has advantage of what I post here. It feels good for me to be able to contribute something. Thank you 🙂

I see there’s alot of new members here now, I wish to welcome you all. I’ve only been reading here for the last year and a half, but I promise you, you’ve come to the right place. This is the only place where I’ve got answers to all my questions and the only place where I’ve received support to heal and how to do it, step by step.

Keep reading and when the going gets tough, never give up on yourselves. Hang in there:)

I just read a book called Almost a Psychopath to see if my husband was almost a psychopath. The author was not convincing and obviously did not know what a psychopath is. I do; I was married to one for ten years and had two children by him so he was in my life for decades. Second husband is not as bad but I keep getting triggered like he is a psychopath. He is a dry alcoholic, smoker, computer addicted, workaholic, irresponsible soft-spoken, antisocial man. He says he loves me and pampers me like and invalid and then ignores me. I know this is wrong and I don’t know what to do with it. He lets me do whatever I want but I feel guilty leaving him and I am tired of it. We have been married for almost 30 years and he is happy and I am exhausted. I get triggered to the point of rage and he just sits and says nothing. He occasionally shows emotion so I do not think he is a spath but he is so like one I cannot keep my sanity.

Everyone in my family accuses me of being the sick one because I get angry but I am constantly lied to and then told my anger is out of control. Everyone in my family is terrified by the truth and even appropriate anger. Except me, I would rather be yelled at or beaten than be ignored. Maybe my anger is out of control because I am the scapegoat. I have friends who love me, several friends of 30 years or more. My daughter even went NC with me because I would no longer play nicey nice with her psychopath dad. She is 40 now and I played nicey nice for 35 years until he turned her against me.

Now I do not want any of them in my life but I want my grandchildren. So does my husband but I do not think I can stand him without the grandchildren. I decided to divorce him several years and and decided to stay married for the grandchildren, now we do not have the grandchildren. He has improved over the 30 years but I just do not know if it is worth it anymore.

My brother died 5 years ago and that was the end of my family of origin. I have two almost invalid older sisters who only call if they want something. I have contact with them but not much anymore. They have succumbed to the abuse. I am afraid of turning into an invalid like them. Only my anger keeps me going sometimes and everyone wants me to stop my anger (life-support)

Of course my dad was an abuser and a misogynist. He beat his daughters because he hated women”and our mom stood and watched and cried. How do we ever get well? I have had periods of feeling well but keep getting sucked in by the evil psychopath who now owns my daughter and my current husband who is neither Jekyll nor Hyde but and some zombie who will not talk, emote or be there for me. He does cook dinner, go to the grocery store and run errands. But I have to maintain the house, get the cars serviced, plan vacations, get the yard work done, etc. He never initiates anything, not ever yet he courted me like lovebombing.

Writing it it sounds like role reversal. But, I had to give up my job to move for him and I resent it still. I hate being dependent even though he is benevolent. I do not think I can get through a divorce at my age but I cannot stand him hovering around all the time treating me like an invalid, saying he will do something he has no intention of doing, lying, ignoring important things to cook dinner and clean up my stuff before I am finished with it while leaving his own. It is sick but what is it?

Writing it down here makes him sound like a crazy person with some psychopathic traits. But sometimes he can be nice and we have fun together”it is becoming less and less often as he just wants to sit on he computer from morning to night. Can someone please help me. I feel spathed and hypnotized and crazy. We deal with each other pretty well when things are going well but since the psychopath got my daughter and grandchildren I keep thinking my husband is one too. He is depressed and hates my emotional turmoil and anger at his apathy.

In therapy today I said, my anger is better isn’t it?…since doing behavioral modification therapy because it is much better and he lied and said no. So I showed him want angry is all the way home. I was so hurt I lashed out worse than ever. Tonight I even blamed him of being a psychopath. After the spath, and especially with his taking my daughter, his little lies and apathy are intolerable.

Am I losing it?

Betsybugs, Please know, we have ALL sounded like that crazy person. Do not worry about that. You are doing the right thing by spewing it, here. Get it out as much and as often as you so desire, here. This is the place to do it because we have all had at least some of the same symptoms. On another note, you will not heal until you detach from the person that you have described, above. You can not heal if you spend your time with toxic individuals. You can not heal if you are having a relationship with a person who lies to you, and to others, about you, etc. Best wishes to you, for a new, toxic free beginning!! Much love~

no betsy, you’re gaining it.
I wish you were nearby because I would go over and hug hug hug you for real.

Think about why you were put on earth. What happens to your soul when you die? what do you take with you? Nothing except what you learned. Do not be afraid to learn, even if it means suffering, losing, seeing the truth.

I’m going to cut and paste from an email I sent a friend today. I hope it helps you make sense.

You ask why Spaths appeared in our lives.

…Spath also was not so appealing at first. But he kept on and kept on trying. I was dating several guys who were playing games with me. They were dating other women and made no secret about it. I was confused. Spath said he was a “one woman man” and it really struck me as special. So much for that!

I have to tell you about my sister who is married to a narcissist. She was in college and dating his best friend, I think his name was Bill. Bill treated her like trash and dumped her. Rob was there to pick up the pieces. He confessed to her that he had been in love with her from the beginning. I thought that was really sweet…until…an LF blogger, “Panther” came on and told us about her experience with the spath from Turkey. She was having an online romance with his best friend. Then she went to Turkey to meet him. He trashed her and kicked her to the curb. That’s when the spath moved in for the kill. He confessed his love to her. Then for the next few months proceeded to gaslight and confuse her. She ran finally.

Now I understand that guys commonly work women in teams. They are called wingmen. One guy sets her up and the other rescues her. It’s all a plan. Men see women as prey. They are like wolves chasing us down and going in for the kill. They work in teams.

So I would suggest to you that although X*** and Y**** are not working as a team, the end is the same. X*** treats you badly and you become vulnerable to Y***. In my case, E*** and M*** played with my heart and it made me vulnerable to Spath.

The predator who works alone can spot prey that is being played with by other predators. So he takes advantage of the situation and goes in for the kill.

***** was a different story, but I watched him interact with his friends and with other men. They believe women are toys. And they are entitled to play games. Not one of them cares if I get hurt.

When you are looking for romance, and you meet someone interesting, meet his friends too. You’ll learn a lot from seeing who his friends are.
sky

Betsy, I think that you know what your husband is. You intuitively found a book called “almost a spath”. yep. that’s a narcissist and the only difference is the size of their balls and how good their mask is.

The uber ex-spath had a perfect mask. His balls were giant (though his dick was tiny) he was audacious and because I had no idea these creatures existed, I never doubted his mask. But there are many many MANY variations on him. Mostly, they are just filled with envy and want you to feel as shamed as they do. If they think they can kill you and get away with it, they will — if it benefits them. Check the size of his balls.

betsybugs, I can somewhat relate to the anger issue you are talking about. I became so angry my self in a relationship that lasted for only six months. My boyfriend was exactly the same. Now as I think back, I never had a boyfriend, he was in a relationship with him self. I was his mother. Period. To me he was only a parasite sucking the life out of me. He gave me nothing.

So ok, he loveboms you, but he really doesn’t take care of you, because the lovebombing it self doens’t ensure you on a mental level, emotional level or physical level. That job he has disclaimed himself long ago. The only thing the lovebombing ensures is your ego. It fills up your old wounds so you don’t have to look at them.

Do you think it really is surprising that you are angry after 30 years with THAT? I can’t see how you find it strange that your going mental, it only took me two months before I snapped, what are you made of woman? Steel? Where I come from, a man like that would be single for a very long time….

And you were also talking about your past… I bet this is the same pattern you had in your childhood. You keep pampering men so you don’t have to be beaten. I guess with a abusive childhood and parasitick husbands for decades would make you store up so much anger that one day the bubble will blow. The danger is how will anger release it self when you’ve lost controll over it? Will it react as it was thought when it was a child? Do you feel guilty for your own anger when you think back on your father? Or will your body just stop and collapse when it has had enough? I’m sorry, but I don’t see anything strange with you. All I see are lifepatterns that’s in a dire need to be changed.

Keep reading in here, you will find the answers you seek.

Best of luck.

Betsybugs,

Big hugs for you. Look into schizoid personality disorder and see if you recognize your husband in the traits. Some things you said remind me of that. Keep in mind that they can have that and also be a sociopath or have other disorders along with being schizoid.

Betsybugs, A number of things came to mind while reading your post. Whether your husband has a PD or not, I can’t say. Narcissists can’t form real attachments to other people and when they are confronted with reality, (rather then their fantasy world of perfect love…ideal love, in which they are perfectly loved, because they are perfect) they withdraw. We feel hurt, confused, duped and angry.
The anger takes on a life of it’s own. This is another aspect of the trauma bond. There are big problems and anxiety in the relationship, with seemingly no solutions, so, the trauma response is, “fight, or flight”. Your preferred response is fight…his is flight….he simply checks out.
You carry the anger for the relationship and he avoids it. He carrys the irresponsibilty.
Jung said that what one partner represses, the other partner expresses. There should be a balance in relationships, with both partners on a pretty even level, displaying, dependane, independance, anger, hurt, frustration, connection….when one person is displaying much more of one of these things than the other, there is something very wrong.
You are not crazy. It’s ok to be angry, but the question is, what are you willing to do about it? You have no control over your husband. You can’t make him see you, look at you, talk to you, express his inner world to you, love you, be fully present with you….No matter how much you rage, you can’t make him. He sounds as if he’s pretty content with this arraingment. Are you satisfied with it? You have two opptions: Accept it, or reject it. If you accept it, you can let go of the anger surrounding trying to change it, or fix it. If you reject it you will also be free of the anger. Either way you will be free to work on yourself and your life.
JM2cents.

Dear Betsybugs,

It sounds like you are very very unhappy in your marriage of this last 30 years. That some times you’d like to leave your husband, but other times you are afraid to do so.

I am hearing you say there are many things there that you resent in your husband’s behavior, and you feel that there is no real intimacy between you.

I am also hearing you say that you feel a great deal of rage at the things life has dealt you, starting from when you were a child and your father beat you and your sisters, and your mother didn’t protect you.

A very positive thing I am hearing, though, is that you are in therapy. I hope that you will continue in therapy.

I also hope that you will continue to blog here. God bless. (((hugs)))

So many great articles and comments here lately!

I often worry about the consequences of nc in terms of how it will affect my ds. I’m nc with pretty much all of the spath’s enabling family who ALL live here, while my own is far away (and I’ve been nc with my narc mother for several years). He makes comments about it from time to time, and I know it’s out of worry. I used to say they were “bullies” to me and that’s why I never got invited to family functions because that was the only concept his young brain could understand. I really regret that, because it’s stuck with him. He is super-protective of me and confused why someone he loves so much would be persecuted so. I try to emphasize how much they love him, and how happy I was that he was loved, even by has dad (though I doubt the sincerity of that “love”. He loves the status of being a father, but the real work got left to me and now the new wife). I almost wish I hadn’t been so quick to go nc with his family now, but I really did need my space, and their denial just contributed to the gas lighting I was already experiencing with the spath. To their credit, not one of them agreed to testify on his behalf against me during the custody battle. That kind of surprised me, because he can be really terrible with them when he doesn’t get his way.

I guess I’m toying with the idea of resuming some sort of contact with a couple of them for my ds’ sake. The prospect is frightening, because I don’t want to make myself vulnerable to them or have them used as messengers to relay information about me to him. I just can’t think of any other way to ease my ds’ mind. I know he doesn’t think I’m a “bad” person who deserves to be shunned by his family now, but will he think so in the future. I used to weep reading those stupid co-parenting books (pre-spath education) which talked about grown-up kids who had all sorts of respect for their moms for never talking smack about their fathers and maintaining a cordial relationship with their exes after the divorce. I felt like a failure for not being “brave” enough to continue any sort of contact with him outside e-mail, but I knew I had to start putting up healthy boundaries for myself for ONCE in my life. I’m convinced that I can be a better mom when I’m out of that drama and not wrecked with anxiety, but will he know that?

Just once I would love to hears a success story of a parent who went nc and still had the respect of their children. Why aren’t there more of those? Is it because it doesn’t happen very often?

Betsybugs – I totally relate to everything you wrote! I’ve had so much anger trapped inside me since childhood. I wasn’t allowed to express anger there, so when I got out on my own *holy cow*! I was like a teenager with a fake id. I drank it up. Everything made me angry. My relationships were totally dysfunctional. I would devote myself completely to one boy after another… totally unaware of who I was or what I needed. Everything was about catering to them so they would *love me*. Failure to reciprocate triggered enormous disappointment and fury at not getting back the totally impossible romantic ideal I felt I deserved as repayment. The anger scared them off, naturally. Can you see why I would be the perfect target for any sociopath? I gave them everything, and after the honeymoon stage was over, I’d realize I was getting nothing back. In fact I was losing an awful lot. Out came the anger, but instead of running away like a normal person, they delighted in the reaction, and set about finding ALL the things that triggered me to make me react more so they could then point me out to all and declare “Look! See how crazy she is?!”. A horrible cycle which kept repeating itself until I realized how much self-loathing I had to allow such a thing to happen. I’m still learning who I really am outside of just reacting to my environment all the time. I’ve been relationship-free for over 3 years. I do get very lonely at times, but there’s still a lot of ME to work on. I still get angry, but the resentment is falling away with the knowledge that it is fleeting and I always have control over it now. Stuffing anger is what builds resentment, and I don’t play with that anymore. Healthy expressions of anger put you squarely on the path of forgiveness. Maybe not right away, but eventually we will have to make that peace for ourselves. Forgiveness is the hardest thing to learn after a spath. But I read the stories here and have hope that eventually coming to terms with my own part in my victimization will give me the tools to never be victimized again, and maybe I’ll even find love, too!

Please keep reading and sharing. You are a valuable member in this community!!

Freemama, exposing your child to enablers will do him no service. “Family” is not defined by a shared DNA, IMHO. “Family” are those people that surround us with unconditional love, support, encouragement, truthful speaking, and do not maintain a personal agenda where we are concerned.

Of course, you have choices to make, here. I would gently suggest that involving any fence-sitters or enablers in your child’s life would be a grave mistake for your child’s sake. Your child will carry the burden of the spath’s dynamics, by proxy, and the spath games will continue via your child.

My belief about co-parenting with a sociopath and exposing these children to the spath’s family is that it is only an exercise in futility. Spaths don’t develop overnight, and they often were raised in family environments that either promoted or enabled spath behaviors. Sometimes, a spath develops spontaneously, and parents of those spaths are aware of what they are and take protective steps to avoid the entanglements.

The spath’s family members are in league with them, either out of fear or their own addictions to drama/trauma. Read as much as you can in the archived articles about “co-parenting” with spaths – an actual oxymoron if there ever WAS one! Before you make your decision, become well-informed and seriously examine your own motives for opening up that door for your child to step through. Ask yourself what benefits your child would experience, and compare those “benefits” to what you already know about the spath, his techniues, and how his family members have treated you throughout your association with him.

Brightest blessings

Thank you, truthspeak. Haven’t thought of it that way. I figured since he won the 50/50 custody (more like 80/20- he just wanted the law to read that he COULD have it if he wanted), that his family would be part of my ds’ life and I should encourage that. Thinking about my own family of origin, however, I can see very clearly that there’s only 3 people in my huge, dysfunctional family who are “normal”, and they aren’t my parents. What fortune my ds has to one day understand that one of the “normal” ones was his dear old mum. That will be some comfort, I think. Wish I could have had that. You’re right – the truth will come out, and I don’t need to force it either way. The best lesson I can give is that we always have the power to create our own loving families. My pre-spath friends sort of abandoned me during our relationship – he made them uncomfortable and they fled en masse. I have very few close friends now, but I can always commit to taking the time and energy to create my own family. It’s challenging when you’re a single mom who works full-time, but I know I have a lot to offer and the time must be made to create that network.

Has anyone else seen “Antonia’s Line”? In the best of worlds, that is roughly how I visualize my “family” being. Not the lunatics who happen to share DNA with my ds.

Freemama, your pre-spath friends may have “fled en masse” because they could see the train wreck that was coming without any means to stop it. In addition to that, spaths patently isolate their targets with deliberate malice – it’s MUCH harder to manipulate and coerce someone if there are people to witness the gaslighting.

In relation to your own family dynamics, it may be helpful in your decision when you take an objective look (sans emotional response) to what you endured and then imagine what your own child will be required to endure if exposed to the spath family. The spath family is equally culpable because they actively enable and look the other way when “outsiders” are destroyed by the spath. Your child will – without a doubt and most certainly – bear the adult burdens of spath carnages that will form his gentle psyche and self-perceptions for the rest of his life.

Children have no advocacy. Not in Family Court, and not in dysfuncitonal family environments. You are your child’s only advocate, and even then, it is limited by growing independence and the fact that you cannot live your child’s life FOR him. What you DO have the power to do is to control who you will choose to expose your child to. And, involving the spath’s family members in your child’s life could result in further damages. “He said…she said….you know that your mother ____ and your father _____…..your mother hates your father….your father is SO sad about what your mother did to him…..blah, blah, blah.”

HE may have 50/50 custody, but THEY have no part in it, legally speaking.

Brightest blessings

After protecting my children from knowing about their spath father and allowing visitation…even being friendly with him because I was so happy to be free. I would not do it that way again. I would go NC, restraining order and never have let my children see him. I thought I was doing the right thing for them and now I have lost them to him. He lured my children away one at age 14 one at age 24. I acted like a crazy woman both times the fear of him invoked the maternal instinct to fight and I lost. He did make me act worse than him and enjoyed every minute of it. They now think I am crazy and he is sane. There is no escape from these vermin. He did damage my children even with minimal visitation. Now I am moving away from all of them even my precious grandchildren. I pay someday my children will come to their senses but I doubt it will happen. They do not want to know what he is.

Dear betsybugs,

It is “crazy making” to be made out to be crazy and to lose the ones you love to a psychopath…to see them fall under the control of the evil one.

I have lost both of my sons, one a P himself, in prison for murder, and the other one not a Psychopath, but not the kind of man I brought him up to be and I don’t want contact with him, it is too painful. Only my adopted son “gets it” and I am forever grateful for that.

I have also realized that my egg donor is not the kind of woman I can have contact with either, she is a victim and a minion of my son Patrick…punishing me because I stood up to him. Because I refuse to be taken in by him any more.

But you know, I realize that as much as it hurts, when those we love are either taken in by the psycopaths or they are themselves disordered, there is nothing we can do about it.

Don’t beat yourself up for “acting crazy” because I think many ofus in the depths of our pain have “acted crazy” (me wildly waiving my hand here) Nothing you did is why your children fell for his BS…it is not your fault.

GEt out there though and make a life for yourself, don’t just dwell on what you have lost, look to the future and make new friends, GOOD friends that are trustworthy and kind…and I suggest you read a book written by Dr. Viktor Frankl called “Man’s search for meaning” which he wrote after losing his entire family to the Nazis and being in a prison camp himself for years.

I figure if HE can find meaning in life after all he went through SO CAN WE! God bless.

I don’t know if this is the proper way to go about this, but I am looking for some advice on this topic.

A year and a half after my exspath I am in my first relationship. It took me getting into a relationship to realise that I hadn’t dealt with anything, but just swept it under the rug for another day and tried not to think about it. I am quietly going on and doing research on the subject, reading on here, and doing what I feel I need to do to move on.

I am wondering if I should tell my partner about this past. I haven’t told him anything to date, but part of me wonders if he should know. I have run into a couple situations so far where he has said things that bothered me about spaths or other things that triggered memories of events during my time with the spath. He doesn’t know that they bother me for the most part, or if he does he doesn’t understand why. If I should tell him, how far into the relationship should I say something? We’ve been together for 3 months now. He is amazing and I don’t see an end coming. Just not sure what to do!

LadyA:

I would just tell him that you had a past relationship that was very painful…that some things happened that you may never forget, but you are healed (or healing) and leave it at that. If he asks questions, you may have to go into a little more detail, but you shouldn’t feel obligated to do so.

Also, this is why we should really deal with things before we move on. Not to put you down, but it was probably too soon to get into a relationship. I realize that a year and half can seem like a lifetime to some people, but it’s almost three years for me and I am nowhere near being ready. I may very well go the rest of my life without love and that is sad. But if that is the way it is to be, it will be. It’s sad, too because I am not some fat, lazy, ugly slob who is not able to get a man. I have so much to offer and I feel like I am being wasted. Sigh.

LadyA, where I am concerned, I have to agree that I really, REALLY have to be well on my Healing Path before I even entertain the idea of allowing another person into my inner circle – man, woman, or child.

The reason that I say this is that I will always carry the scars of my experiences, but those wounds won’t ever be encourage to heal to their best ability if I set myself up in a situation where they’ll easily be rubbed open, again.

I think the reason that I need to accomplish this healing is to prevent me from ever believing that I “need” someone so badly to approve of me, care about me, love me, and accept me that I’ll tolerate another abusive relationship. If I am able to provide self-acceptance, self-approval, and self-assurance, I’ll be generating all of the healthy “Self-isms” that I didn’t have in place when I was targeted.

The new interest doesn’t need to know details. He doesn’t need to know why, whom, when, how, or anything else. I think Louise put it quite well that the new interest only needs to know that you’re still recovering and to take things very slowly.

Brightest blessings

Betsybugs, I have to say that I think your LF name is so cute – it makes me think of ladybugs in pink skirts. Sorry, I digress….

Am I reading correctly that you are still bound to this man by contract of marriage? If so, I’d like to gently and strongly urge you to consider the questions that Kim Frederick asked and give yourself some honest and truthful answers.

There IS a “WIN” for targets and victims: survival, recovery, and healing. I posted this on another thread, but I am grateful (NOT happy about it, but grateful) that I had the experiences that I did and that I’m learning so much about myself. I’ve learned that I don’t ever, ever, EVER have to put up with stupidity, cruelty, abuse, or manipulations, ever again, from any man, woman, or child. Not ever.

And, I’ve lived in spath entanglements for about 30 years, in total. Went from the abusive fire into the simmering doube-life frying pan. This second experience relieved me of everything that I brought into that marriage, and left me financially, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually gutted.

But, Betsybugs, there really and truly is Life Beyond A**holes, whether they are disordered or just stupid. And, I cannot describe how intoxicating it is to realize that I have the power to CHOOSE, even if I make a “bad” choice, I still have the option to choose what I will, and will not, tolerate.

We’ve got one shot in this lifetime, and we’re given so many signs on the road that it’s often too much to decipher which direction we should take. But, you can rely upon this one, single truth: the compass of your Life’s Path is firmly in your own hand. Once you know what you are dealing with, it’s then a choice whether or not to use that compass.

Brightest blessings

My ‘experience’ was so ugly,
I don’t care if I EVER have another MALE
(or FEMALE) relationship in my life, EVER.
THAT is how bad it was and I still feel the
same way.

I want MY LIFE back.
I just GOT IT BACK.
I had to FIGHT to get it back.
I am NOT just blindly handing it over to
another “MAN” to do with, what they wish.

I am determined to be the strong, self centered,
self sustaining, intelligent woman I KNOW I am.
I don’t need a man or a woman there in my
life to make me ‘whole’ – I am already whole
and have been since I was born.

I don’t need sex nor someone to hold me at night
as much as I need a good strong firm realization of MYSELF.
Sure: it gets lonely but it beats the alternative.

They can all take a hike.
I am on a journey to ME for a change.
That’s some place I haven’t had any time for
since I was 16 years old. Now that I have been
‘put out to pasture’, so to speak, the rest is MINE.

That includes NOT doing a man’s laundry; dishes nor
living by their rules. I have MY OWN rules.

I am ever so THRILLED for people that can ‘make it work’.
I don’t have the patience, the time nor the inspiration any more.

How’s that???

My compass seems to work fine when I rely upon myself
and don’t trust others with my life and make choices and
decisions on direction for me.

I do fine when I trust MYSELF.

xxoo

Dupey, I think that’s what’s so cleanly eroded by spath entanglements: the ability to trust our own Selves.

I put trust into someone else when I should have learned to trust ME, first. And, I paid the consequences for that error in judgement.

As far as sex…..LMAOLMAOLMAO!!!!!!!! I often wonder if I will ever be able to separate what I discovered from normal, healthy interactions. Quite frankly, I become uncomfortable even during a loving and gentle scene in a movie – I wonder if I will ever be able to identify with what should be a normal, healthy, and wonderful aspect of a normal, healthy, and wonderful relationship.

Yepper……maybe, once I get beyond this angry protective space, I can “love” myself better. I’m beginning to “like” myself a bit better. I don’t necessarily “like” the cynic that I’ve become and it’s rather a struggle to STOP looking for the sociopaths under every rock and behind every bush. I have a really difficult time doing that. And, I don’t want to be that type of person, but I see “red flags” that I can’t ignore, anymore.

This is WAY off-topic, and doesn’t relate to the article, at all, but I’m seeing “red flags” from a young woman where I work and, in a previous life, I would have ignored them and tried to work my way into her good graces so that she would accept me and approve of me – I’m entering into HER domain, so I need to be a peacekeeper to maintain the minor position that I was able to secure. NOT.

So, I think that the idea of a loving relationship after our experiences isn’t unreasonable IF – and, only IF – we put our personal core issues in their proper perspectives and learn to love and trust ourselves, first.

Brightest blessings

“So, I think that the idea of a loving relationship after our experiences isn’t unreasonable IF ”“ and, only IF ”“ we put our personal core issues in their proper perspectives and learn to love and trust ourselves, first.” ~ Truthspeak

Well, isn’t that a realization in a nutshell? Hm?
I have a feeling, that for me, personally, my life shall
be filled with ‘self realizations’ until the moment I close
my eyes. ESPECIALLY after this experience.

There is NO WAY I can EVER trust another ‘man’ around me.
There is NO WAY I can sleep with someone, not ever again.
There is NO WAY I will EVER allow ANYONE to ever touch me,
not ever again. THAT is how horrid it was.

I find the most ‘loving’ of relationships to be those that allow
you space to heal. Relationships that understand and are kind
and considerate. I don’t know if I can ever trust my judgment,
not ever again. At least not in this lifetime.

I am not ‘bitter’ nor ‘vengeful’, not even hateful – I am just
RESIGNED and ACCEPTING and this is what I CHOOSE for
me and my life. Not ‘because of IT’ but IN SPITE OF IT.

I think everyone should try to eventually move on and toward
a loving and fulfilling relationship in their lives. I do. I just
don’t think it’s for me, anymore.

Being alone, out of the dungeon, where I have been held for
so long, by a full fledged psychopath – well, that sort of gives
you the APPRECIATION for the ‘alone’ and ‘quiet’ moments.
Know what I mean? Especially with a bad ticker – can’t get
enough peace and quiet these days.

I am good with being single and alone.
Why isn’t everyone else ‘good’ with my choice?
I am not being ‘anti social’ or anything else….
WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH A MAN?
OR WOMAN? (As the case may be.) I don’t see where that
is a ‘requirement’ for LIVING. Know what I mean?

I am still ‘reveling’ in the joy of having the tyranny OUT of
my world and my life, once and for all. I just want it gone.
Never to come back. I want my life back and I have taken
it back and that makes me a not so popular person, I guess.

I hold the keys to “IT’s” future in my hands…
How infuriating that must be.

Dupey

Dupey, I agree 100%. And, when I refer to a relationship with a woman, I mean a generic friendship where I’m concerned. I’m very hesitant to engage in any form of intimacy with any people that haven’t been close friends of mine before the exspath was exposed.

No, human beings (particularly women) do not “need” someone else to make them “whole,” and I resent fairy tales that blatantly suggest that the “heroine” of the story was born, bred, and raised to be saved and rescued by Prince Charming. Her whole life finally has “meaning” when she’s rescued by Prince Charming, and this is a terrible message.

Yep – learning that I can rely upon my instincts and decision-making is something that I mssed during my lifetime.

Brightest blessings

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