I have heard a lot of people give advice about how the best way to get rid of a psychopath is to show him/her a “grey rock” of emotions. While I understand that this means that I cannot let the psychopath see any emotion beyond that of an emotionless grey rock, putting this theory into practice has proved to be one of the hardest things to do. I still believe I will have my moments, but it took an extreme situation for me to tap into what I needed to understand in order to achieve my own version of “grey rock”.
The “Extreme Situation”:
Baby boy had another rough 72 hours which landed him two more hospital visits. We started out in the hospital a few days ago after he spiked another fever, had another seizure, and this time turned blue in the process.
There has been nothing in my life more terrifying than seeing my son not able to breath and appear as if he is dying. I had to simply hold him and wait for an ambulance as there was nothing medically I could do to help him. While I felt like panicking along with my poor little boy (and I initially did), that moment allowed me to dig deep and become the rock that my son needed. I found the strength to calmly give the paramedics information and speak to the doctors in actual sentences that appeared to make sense. I didn’t realize how strong I had become during this year of “Luc terror” until the doctor applauded me for being able to remain so calm during such a terrible experience. I thought to myself, ”˜this woman doesn’t know what Mama has been through’.
Practicing “Grey Rock”:
Luc was supposed to have a visit the day after this medical emergency began; however, given the state baby boy was in it was only reasonable to cancel the visit. There was no way I was putting a child who had a fever of 105 in a car with Luc (whom he still barely knows) to drive three hours round trip just so that Luc could play dad for the day. While Luc was busy throwing a fit with the supervisor via text message (requesting proof that baby boy was actually sick and insisting on a makeup visit), it occurred to me that I may have finally gotten to a point where I realize the insignificance of Luc.
This weekend I think I finally achieved “grey rock” with Luc. When the supervisor texted me for reports and told me, “don’t be surprised if he insists on a makeup visit”, I simply said, “my number one concern is baby boy and NOT Luc’s visitation schedule. You can tell him that I will provide him with the necessary documentation of baby boy’s medical situation to document my reasons for canceling the visit.” I wasn’t upset about his antics because there was no point. I had more important things to be concerned with other than how Luc was feeling and his threats.
Lawyers: A Necessary Evil (and an occasional reality check)
On the morning after baby boy’s hospital visit, I had the first civil conversation I have had with my attorneys in months. I called them about a conversation that I had with the supervisor the day before. The supervisor was insisting that I send the emergency plan I had created (in the event my son has another medical emergency while with Luc) to Luc’s attorneys. My attorney had been resisting any sort of communication with Luc’s attorney and insisting the supervisor be the one to pass the paperwork. While Luc insisted that he still obtained legal representation, my lawyers weren’t buying it.
After several days of this ridiculous back and forth, I finally got a straight answer out of my attorney. He said, “whatever comes out of Luc’s mouth…consider it just words. I don’t believe his ‘old’ attorney wants anything because if she does, she knows my number and can call me for it. Luc is full of crap.” He doesn’t believe Luc has an attorney anymore (attorneys tend to stop representing you when you won’t pay them). While my attorney still assured me that they had my back (which I had started to question), they told me to do my best to ignore Luc’s idle threats and just move forward with my life.
It has been a roller coaster of emotions with my legal team as sometimes I wonder whether or not they are more concerned about their reputation and bank account than doing what is right. That being said, the attorney I spoke with re the above conversation helped me to further put things in perspective. He helped me to realize that I was putting way to much stress and weight on the words coming out of Luc’s mouth. I had been allowing Luc to get the best of me when, really, he is insignificant. I am not sure what keeps making me think that Luc is capable of telling the truth, but my lawyers were right – Luc isn’t going to start being honest now.
Finding My Definition of “Grey Rock”:
Even during a very stressful weekend dealing with a sick child, Luc was trying to terrorize me via our court ordered third party (the supervised exchanged professional). My attorney served an important purpose in reminding me that I am baby boys legal custodian and that no matter how much Luc tries to throw a toddler- style fit about that, he can’t force the court to see him as the healthy and fit parent. He cannot change the fact that I will always be “mama” to my baby boy.
This weekend was terrible. I was awake for about three days straight watching baby boy sleep, constantly taking his temperature, and administering medication in order to try and prevent another Febrile seizure. During the hours spent awake watching baby boy, I had a lot of time to think about our little “family situation”. One of the conclusions that I came to is how much I am able to control my sons environment. I will be the parent he turns to when he is sick and needs protection. He will be able to rely on me through the good times and the bad ones. Nobody will ever be able to take away the bond me and my son have with each other.
It was through both the turmoil and the reality check from my attorneys that I came to my two part definition of what “Grey Rock” means to me:
- Emotionless Grey Rock: This refers to the act of giving the psychopath no emotions to feed off of. This is like torture to a psychopath. They hate it when they don’t feel relevant and they will be tortured when they realize they can no longer create chaos in their life of their victim. No matter how much of a fit I might be throwing inside, I need to channel this emotionless grey rock when it comes to Luc (and by proxy the drama fueler supervisor for the exchanges).
- The Mama Grey Rock of Strength: This refers to a mother’s ability to be the rock of reason, stability, and love for her child. I cannot help that my son’s father is disordered – that he is a psychopath. I can, however, be the strong supportive rock that my son needs. I will not allow Luc to take that from me with his attempts to drive me insane.
Just Another Disordered Encounter – “Insignificance of the Psychopath”:
Finally, baby boy will likely encounter many people during his life who are disordered. His father, unfortunately, will be one of them. This weekend I was able to see our custody situation for what it is. Baby boy’s father is a visitor. There will be times when baby boy is sick and when these visits will not occur. Luc will continue to throw fits and threaten to take me back to court. He will continue doing anything his evil (and feeble) mind can think of to terrorize me and attempt to exert control over both me and baby boy.
Despite having had several moments over the past year when I have wondered if I am going crazy (because of Luc’s reign of terror), I consider myself relatively psychologically healthy. During my life, Luc hasn’t been the first person on the spectrum of Psychopathy (though possibly the only full blown psychopath) that I have run into. Now that I understand more about the disorder, I can identify many people from previous bosses, ex- boyfriends, and even family members who have many characteristics on the psychopathy spectrum. I would love to be able to shelter baby boy from these people and all of their negative influences, but I realize that is not our reality. The best I can do is to not allow the terror to negatively impact my relationship with my son.
Living with Luc was like living in hell. I thank God every day that I was able to leave that man before he killed me. I am also thankful that my son will never have to see me put up with abuse at the hands of Luc. He may not understand why I left his father for some time, however, when he does understand my guess is that he will respect me more for making the decision to leave. I also have hope that he will see me as his “Mama Grey Rock of Strength” who protected him, loved him, and helped him become an emotionally healthy man.
lov10, really hope the plan suggested by Skylar works, and glad to learn you live with your parents, so you ( hopefully) have support and understanding x
Ok I understand I’ve even been rehearsing what I will say in case this situation ever arises. Tea light- yes thank God for that.
Skylar- do you think I should say to him
I showed your emails to the clinical psychologist in my doctoral program and she thought you would be a great candidate since your emails are all projections and attempts at manipulations. Or is that like a big no to say? Lol
Hi, lov10.
This is from a guy’s perpsective.
When I first started reading your story I thought: ‘She needs to let the ex know that if he did not stop the repeated contacts, letters. threats, etc. a RO will be sought.’
Now you say that you have been through that process, already.
To me, this guy is at the least ‘confused.’ He doesn’t know what he wants or why he wants it or why he does what he does whatever he does. All that is certain is that you are some sort of trigger for him and what brings out strong emotions. There are reasons for his behaviour – but none that anything less than a ‘dream team’ of mental health experts could figure out.
So, at the least he is confused. But at the worst he is psychotic. IMHO, It is not fair to him, to you or the ‘system’ (e.g. the taxpayers), to have things continue this way.
It looks too dangerous to have any contact with that guy.
He needs to know that the calls, emails, visits and requests for time together must stop. If they do not, then you must get another RO – and follow through with the conditions and stipulations and consequences of a violation.
Many of us know of cases where a woman was beaten to a pulp by a guy resulting in the perpetrator going to jail. And then what happened? The woman ‘got back together’ with the guy. There is one case I know of where the ‘couple’ then went on to have a child together – while the guy was out on probation and had a specific, strict Restraining Order barring ALL contact. I know many of the people involved. Mind blowing.
I also know a guy that discovered that his wife was cheating. He carefully documented the evidence over an extended time – just to be sure. When he started to ask questions- and she got a hint that he was ‘on’ to her antics what did she do? She got a RO against HIM!!! He had to leave their home (With little more than a toothbrush and a change of underwear.), and was at risk of losing his job – which required a pretty high level of Security Clearance.
Point is, please do the right thing. Seems to me that he needs to go somewhere else to get whatever he is looking for. And what he is probably looking for are answers that he doesn’t even have the questions for. He NEEDS a RO and therapy. ‘Step away’ and let it happen. I think that the ‘system’ is loaded with corruption and sociopaths that result in self-serving decisions and policies. They are out of business without more ‘customers’ and calls to log.
Here is a corollary to this last point and to this discussion: More people are ‘accidentally shot’ by police than by fellow civilian-citizens.
In other words, don’t feed the system any more than it has to be fed. Let it do what it is supposed to do – keep everybody as safe as possible while providing for rehabilitation or, if not, incarceration. Do yourself and him and everyone a favor.
Lov10. i wouldnt mess with him unless its a last resort. the nut my wife was involved with wouldnt stop till she provided all the evidence(loads) to the parole dept. then they threw him back in where he is comfy for another 20 months. they are like a little kid, they have tantrums and dont know what the word NO means.
sincerely
rgc
Lov10,
Since, in the past, you have gotten an RO and not followed through, you have TRAINED him that you won’t follow through THIS time either and that all hhe has to do is to keep on hounding you and you will “give in” again, so it is going to be LONGER and MORE DIFFICULT to get him to actually QUIT and leave you alone than it would have been if you had not previously gotten ROs and then gone back to him. This is not a criticism, but just a statement of FACT.
If you truly want him to go away, you are going to have to make up your mind that NOTHING HE DOES OR SAYS is going to make you go back to him and you must institute and maintain NO CONTACT, and if that means an RO then you must get it and report each time he breaks it. (which he WILL do)
Your FEAR of him may be very justified (Has he hit or physically hurt you in the past? Threatened to hurt or kill you?) but you must keep yourself SAFE even if that means going to a shelter to live.
Block his access to you by phone, change your number if you hhave to. Block his e mail access. Whatever it takes.
It isn’t going to be an easy process because in the past he was able to frighten or sweet talk you back, but the GAME MUST END and to him it is just that a GAME of keeping control over you. Good luck and God bless.
fixerupper- I agree with you that he is a very confused person and is in need of therapy. I called him insane in the past and his response was well what does that say about me to have been with an insane person. I think on some level he knows he is disordered but is in deep denial of it and projects his feelings of self hatred on to me, by putting me down. Boggles me how can think putting someone down will make them want to be with him. How sweet and romantic.
OxDrover- Every time he violated the restraining order I had him arrested. It didn’t phase him. It made it more of a game for him to try and contact me. Yes I did communicate with him after the restraining order was over to please leave me alone and all that cordial talk- which of course didn’t work. So yes this time it probably will take longer for him to see.
I fear him just by the way he speaks to me. I’m afraid of his capabilities of how he can twist things to ruin my career, and to upset my family. He has never been physical. You want to know what’s crazy? Not to long ago he passed a remark to me before he sent that nasty email he said” Just know one thing- in all this I’ll never ever hurt you.” So its almost like he was giving me a heads up to the emotional torture he plans to put me through but that he wont hurt me. I don’t want to sound naive and unintelligent by saying Oh no he’ll never hurt me.. God only knows what he is capable of. I have taken lots of precautions to protect myself, cameras around my house, pepper spray on my keys, everyone at my job knows about this.
But I just found it so odd he said that. It took a long time for me to finally feel stronger and see through him as a predator. I’m only human as we all are and had real feelings for him. Through a lot of self reflection I’m beginning to emotionally detach from him. With the help of everyone on this blog I have learned to let his words go in one ear and out the other- the mean nothing. For him to say I have disrespected and walked all over him its not right, he doesn’t deserve my abuse- and for me to not write back telling him hes delusional honestly makes me feel like Im in control-which I am!
I just hope he sees all his tactics and manipulations arent working this time and gives up.
Lov10,
The RO’s have not worked in the past because he’s addicted to drama and that is what he gets when the cops drag him away each time. He sees you as a supply of drama, so it’s going to be hard to break him of that addiction to you.
I still think you should get the RO and have him arrested if he breaks it. The only difference this time is that he must think someone else is doing the calling, for example your parents or the people at work. This is so that the ONLY reaction he gets from you is scientific interest.
As Darwinsmom pointed out, part of the reason that this will work, is because spaths don’t like to be examined, inspected, looked at. They don’t like their mask to be removed.
And also, as she pointed out, this is only a method for gray rocking him if he breaks the RO. So whatever you say to him it has to work in that context. For example, the first time he shows up (hopefully someone will see and call the cops for you) just look at him blankly and then say, “hummm…” and start taking notes. Then say, “I can’t remember everything you said, do you mind if I record this?” Don’t tell him why, right away. Just stay very focused on observing him and the speech patterns, taking notes. He’ll ask you why you are doing that, and just say, “my doctoral thesis. Please continue with what you were saying. I’m listening.” He will divert the conversation into finding out why you are taking notes. Your responses will be short and nonchalant, while encouraging him to keep talking about HIS issues. Say, “You were talking about…” then refer to you notes, “…blah blah, please continue.”
Be prepared for insults, accusations and threats. Don’t react to those provocations, just stay focused on the semantic aphasia. Hopefully the cops are on the way. If nobody called them, you’ll need an exit strategy too. After a couple of minutes, say “oh darn, I have to go. Thank you.” The point is to never address any of the manipulations that come out of his mouth with ANYTHING other than scientific interest, as a speech pathologist, which he already knows that you are.
The trick is to imagine how you would REALLY act if you WERE doing research on spath semantic aphasia.
It is a real syndrome, my spath has it, I’m sure. They use words inappropriately because they have a hard time with MEANINGS of words. I believe that there is also an auditory component, where the meaning of the word is related to how it sounds. For example, my ex-spath, when writing, interchanges the words, “or”, “are” and “our”, because to him they all sound like, “R”, therefore they must have the same meaning! Bizarre huh?
Yes Skylar- mine does it too. He once said our time away from each other will prove to be invaluable. wtf? He does the same thing with spellings of words. It is bizarre. They need a speech eval along with a psych one!
Ok thank you for explaining it so thoroughly to me. I hope I never see him to have to use this but in case I do I’ll be ready with some sort of plan. I hope my behavior freaks him out enough to become disinterested 1- ill give no emotional reaction or drama to his nonsense 2- ill act totally unlike myself.. fingers crossed. thank you
Lov10, sweetie, no amount of therapy will ever change this man. It won’t. It just won’t. There is no “cure” or successful “treatment” for his type of disorder. Hundreds of hours of therapy, hundreds of vials of medication, dozens of surgical procedures, and thousands of spiritual epiphanies will never, ever, EVER change what he is. To believe otherwise is entertaining False Hope.
He is what he is, whether he’s “confused” or just a predatory jackass. What he is doing are a series of deliberate, malicious acts that, regardless of diagnosis, are wholly, utterly, and forever TOXIC.
So, decisions that you make need to be based upon FACT and not feelings. What we “feel” often cannot be supported by fact, even though those feelings are very real. Set aside the emotion and observe your situation with an objective eye. Removing the emotion from the equation will provide sound, reasonable, and sensible solutions.
Brightest blessings
Skylar, you’ve given me a lightbulb moment with the aphasia. Wow…………