I have heard a lot of people give advice about how the best way to get rid of a psychopath is to show him/her a “grey rock” of emotions. While I understand that this means that I cannot let the psychopath see any emotion beyond that of an emotionless grey rock, putting this theory into practice has proved to be one of the hardest things to do. I still believe I will have my moments, but it took an extreme situation for me to tap into what I needed to understand in order to achieve my own version of “grey rock”.
The “Extreme Situation”:
Baby boy had another rough 72 hours which landed him two more hospital visits. We started out in the hospital a few days ago after he spiked another fever, had another seizure, and this time turned blue in the process.
There has been nothing in my life more terrifying than seeing my son not able to breath and appear as if he is dying. I had to simply hold him and wait for an ambulance as there was nothing medically I could do to help him. While I felt like panicking along with my poor little boy (and I initially did), that moment allowed me to dig deep and become the rock that my son needed. I found the strength to calmly give the paramedics information and speak to the doctors in actual sentences that appeared to make sense. I didn’t realize how strong I had become during this year of “Luc terror” until the doctor applauded me for being able to remain so calm during such a terrible experience. I thought to myself, ”˜this woman doesn’t know what Mama has been through’.
Practicing “Grey Rock”:
Luc was supposed to have a visit the day after this medical emergency began; however, given the state baby boy was in it was only reasonable to cancel the visit. There was no way I was putting a child who had a fever of 105 in a car with Luc (whom he still barely knows) to drive three hours round trip just so that Luc could play dad for the day. While Luc was busy throwing a fit with the supervisor via text message (requesting proof that baby boy was actually sick and insisting on a makeup visit), it occurred to me that I may have finally gotten to a point where I realize the insignificance of Luc.
This weekend I think I finally achieved “grey rock” with Luc. When the supervisor texted me for reports and told me, “don’t be surprised if he insists on a makeup visit”, I simply said, “my number one concern is baby boy and NOT Luc’s visitation schedule. You can tell him that I will provide him with the necessary documentation of baby boy’s medical situation to document my reasons for canceling the visit.” I wasn’t upset about his antics because there was no point. I had more important things to be concerned with other than how Luc was feeling and his threats.
Lawyers: A Necessary Evil (and an occasional reality check)
On the morning after baby boy’s hospital visit, I had the first civil conversation I have had with my attorneys in months. I called them about a conversation that I had with the supervisor the day before. The supervisor was insisting that I send the emergency plan I had created (in the event my son has another medical emergency while with Luc) to Luc’s attorneys. My attorney had been resisting any sort of communication with Luc’s attorney and insisting the supervisor be the one to pass the paperwork. While Luc insisted that he still obtained legal representation, my lawyers weren’t buying it.
After several days of this ridiculous back and forth, I finally got a straight answer out of my attorney. He said, “whatever comes out of Luc’s mouth…consider it just words. I don’t believe his ‘old’ attorney wants anything because if she does, she knows my number and can call me for it. Luc is full of crap.” He doesn’t believe Luc has an attorney anymore (attorneys tend to stop representing you when you won’t pay them). While my attorney still assured me that they had my back (which I had started to question), they told me to do my best to ignore Luc’s idle threats and just move forward with my life.
It has been a roller coaster of emotions with my legal team as sometimes I wonder whether or not they are more concerned about their reputation and bank account than doing what is right. That being said, the attorney I spoke with re the above conversation helped me to further put things in perspective. He helped me to realize that I was putting way to much stress and weight on the words coming out of Luc’s mouth. I had been allowing Luc to get the best of me when, really, he is insignificant. I am not sure what keeps making me think that Luc is capable of telling the truth, but my lawyers were right – Luc isn’t going to start being honest now.
Finding My Definition of “Grey Rock”:
Even during a very stressful weekend dealing with a sick child, Luc was trying to terrorize me via our court ordered third party (the supervised exchanged professional). My attorney served an important purpose in reminding me that I am baby boys legal custodian and that no matter how much Luc tries to throw a toddler- style fit about that, he can’t force the court to see him as the healthy and fit parent. He cannot change the fact that I will always be “mama” to my baby boy.
This weekend was terrible. I was awake for about three days straight watching baby boy sleep, constantly taking his temperature, and administering medication in order to try and prevent another Febrile seizure. During the hours spent awake watching baby boy, I had a lot of time to think about our little “family situation”. One of the conclusions that I came to is how much I am able to control my sons environment. I will be the parent he turns to when he is sick and needs protection. He will be able to rely on me through the good times and the bad ones. Nobody will ever be able to take away the bond me and my son have with each other.
It was through both the turmoil and the reality check from my attorneys that I came to my two part definition of what “Grey Rock” means to me:
- Emotionless Grey Rock: This refers to the act of giving the psychopath no emotions to feed off of. This is like torture to a psychopath. They hate it when they don’t feel relevant and they will be tortured when they realize they can no longer create chaos in their life of their victim. No matter how much of a fit I might be throwing inside, I need to channel this emotionless grey rock when it comes to Luc (and by proxy the drama fueler supervisor for the exchanges).
- The Mama Grey Rock of Strength: This refers to a mother’s ability to be the rock of reason, stability, and love for her child. I cannot help that my son’s father is disordered – that he is a psychopath. I can, however, be the strong supportive rock that my son needs. I will not allow Luc to take that from me with his attempts to drive me insane.
Just Another Disordered Encounter – “Insignificance of the Psychopath”:
Finally, baby boy will likely encounter many people during his life who are disordered. His father, unfortunately, will be one of them. This weekend I was able to see our custody situation for what it is. Baby boy’s father is a visitor. There will be times when baby boy is sick and when these visits will not occur. Luc will continue to throw fits and threaten to take me back to court. He will continue doing anything his evil (and feeble) mind can think of to terrorize me and attempt to exert control over both me and baby boy.
Despite having had several moments over the past year when I have wondered if I am going crazy (because of Luc’s reign of terror), I consider myself relatively psychologically healthy. During my life, Luc hasn’t been the first person on the spectrum of Psychopathy (though possibly the only full blown psychopath) that I have run into. Now that I understand more about the disorder, I can identify many people from previous bosses, ex- boyfriends, and even family members who have many characteristics on the psychopathy spectrum. I would love to be able to shelter baby boy from these people and all of their negative influences, but I realize that is not our reality. The best I can do is to not allow the terror to negatively impact my relationship with my son.
Living with Luc was like living in hell. I thank God every day that I was able to leave that man before he killed me. I am also thankful that my son will never have to see me put up with abuse at the hands of Luc. He may not understand why I left his father for some time, however, when he does understand my guess is that he will respect me more for making the decision to leave. I also have hope that he will see me as his “Mama Grey Rock of Strength” who protected him, loved him, and helped him become an emotionally healthy man.
Lov10,
You cannot control what he does.
Let me REPEAT THAT: YOU CAN **NOT**CONTROL WHAT HE DOES.
What you CAN do is to control WHAT YOU DO.
As far as him ruining your career, talk to your bosses where you work and tell them that this man is a stalker. Get the RO and enforce it.
Do not try to convince him that you are “serious” this time because ANY talk you do to him is a REWARD to him. Even a “go to hell” is ATTENTION and that is what he wants.
Read the book THE GIFT OF FEAR by Gavin DeBecker. Also read The Trauma Bond by Patrick Carnes and those two books will tell you WHY what I am saying is true.
I disagree with Sky on this guy, Gray Rock won’t work with him, he is too CONDITIONED TO GET HIS WAY. He will not give up until you go NO CONTACT and ENFORCE IT for some LONG period of time. He is going to be a DIFFICULT one to get rid of, and until he finds another victim, you are IT.
Just be SAFE and tell your family and your co workers what he is, that he is a STALKER and you must not allow him to make you live in TERROR, just CAUTION.
Oxy,
actually, this works. I’ve done it. And it works immediately. It shuts the drama right down.
It’s like if you have a monkey conditioned to push a button for a candy. NOT getting the reward isn’t going stop the monkey from pushing the button, but getting something that the monkey hates, will stop him from pushing the button.
I got the idea from the book, Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft.
Bancroft is a therapist whose work is about domestic violence. What he based that book on, is what he learned during his treatment of domestic abuse offenders. These were guys who were court ordered to attend treatment, not guys who really want to be there.
http://www.lundybancroft.com/
Bancroft realized that these guys would create drama because it was getting them something they wanted. It was about gaining power or control, it was about getting the victim to react in fear.
The book is so good in so many ways, but it didn’t give explicit instructions, so I had to be creative. The key, is to make the spath see immediately that his drama is NOT working. It’s a way of switching the typewriter keys around. They push this button, expecting that reaction but instead they get something else. And that something else is NOT what they wanted.
Never give them what they want. Control your facial expressions.
You have to know, that this doesn’t CHANGE the spath. Spaths don’t change, but it does change his behavior. He will continue to plot and plan, but he won’t create drama. Hopefully, with time and lack of drama, he will find greener pastures.
skylar, I am very concerned that if Lov10 needs the cooperation of the police, she must be careful of anything they might interpret as willing interaction on her part or even toying with this guy. I do not have scientific data on this, but do have my own experience. I am pretty sure that the cops will prefer to have seen that she is not holding onto any of this guy’s stuff, and whose it is will become he said/she said. I think Truthspeak or someone spoke to this when they suggested Lov10 send the jacket in the mail. I am actually sympathetic to someone who wants some stuff back after a split up if it’s something that was theirs initially, and personal like a family heirloom or artwork or journal. This idiot jacket is not that, and so definitely a sign that this guy may be back with more demands later. But imo cops aren’t likely to see it this way if Lov10 needs them to do something actively.
There may be some significance to the fact that Lov10’s update is bumping the article at beginning of all these comments. That article offers a glimpse of someone who was fighting as hard as possible for her child’s safety — and using grey rock — and yet unaware of the spath’s conscious scheme to kill on purpose for money. She had a good sense of this guy’s evil, but did not have some key information about what he was up to. The unthinkable happened not long after she wrote this, and it was heading her way when she posted the optimistic thoughts in her article.
I’m also concerned that this guy might be skirting the edges of psychotic. (my family member also harrassed/stalked one or two people while psychotic. She thought she was married to one of them. Another one she harrassed differently and ended up arrested, but this was in a small town with unswamped cops.)
I drafted two posts to Lov10, and then scrapped them, not knowing what new trouble I will have or create, or if this will look like more “rubbernecking” or perhaps even if I speak with too high a level of alarm (like in my first post to lov10). But I trust my reaction better after seeing what Oxy wrote, and I find lov10’s story and situation quite distressing.
Lov10, whatever you do, be careful, and mindful that in safety questions, authorities, wisely or not, hold interaction with a suspect against a woman who is asking for help with him. You might succeed in convincing them that this speech pathology angle was smart, but I am pretty sure they won’t comprehend it (What? You were doing WHAT?), and if you look fragile to them or unstable, they will dismiss you as nuts, or your judgment as unreliable and therefore your reports. Be careful: dot your i’s and cross your t’s when it comes to what the cops are going to see. You may agree with me that they are mostly goons, but you somewhat are at the system’s mercy.
Thank you both skylar and Oxy for reminding me of those books. I am least familiar with lundybancroft.
Happy Monday Everyone!
Although, I have been reading regularly, I have not posted for almost a year. It has been a year since I had to go to court and face “it.” I have a couple of questions:
1. I received a copy of the termination of the restraining order, I was hoping for 3 yrs protection, however, seems like one yr was enough. Does anyone know what happens if he comes at me again, will they re-open the case? I have trying to get a hold of the City Attorney to find out what the outcome of the case was, no luck so far. I just know that as of 01/28/13 there is no more restraining order.
2. I’ve been seeing a nice gentleman for the last 2 months and it seems like he has the best intentions. I was not planning on sharing anything about my ordeal with the spath until maybe 3 yrs from now, once the restraining order was coming to an end, however, this has now changed. Should I, for safety reasons, share this with my newly found friend and possible life partner?
I will not allow my x-spath to control my life by being fearfull but at the same time, I didnt want to share too much too soon.
Any thoughts?
Alina, congratulations on being no contact for a year. As for sharing your ordeal with your new romantic interest I think you might tell him that you had to get a restraining order but it has expired. I wouldn’t go into a great deal of information about the situation at this point, but I do CAUTION you that you have only been seeing this guy 2 months and you are ALREADY thinking he might be a life partner? Slow down, girl….don’t rush into an emotional involvement in only 2 months. If you haven’t read donna’s book, the RED FLAGS OF LOVE FRAUD do so and watch for signs of any red flags. Don’t GIVE AWAY your trust, people need to EARN it over a long period of time.
Hi Alina,
2 months is not long enough to share the issues about the spath. If the spath hasn’t made contact with you in the past year, then don’t make waves. Maybe he’s gone. Don’t bring him back to life by discussing him.
If he DOES come back, then you’ll have to tell the new guy.
Also, if the spath doesn’t come back, I wouldn’t remind him of you by having him served with another RO. Hopefully you can let sleeping dogs lie and move on with your life.
Raggedy,
CQ was VERY aware that her exspath had killed for life insurance money twice before and she was VERY concerned for her own life as well as her child’s life. Gray rock was implemented to keep the drama down, but she had tried everything in court to keep herself and her baby safe. She knew the danger, but the judge wouldn’t listen.
Now that baby boy is dead, the police are re-opening the two previous deaths of Luc’s mother and his ex-babymama. Both had life insurance policies. the details are complicated.
Gray rock or changing our reactions, is not “toying” with the spath. It is setting a boundary on our emotions. The spaths want to toy with our emotions and we must not give them any. We must never acquiesce to anything they want. Give them nothing or give them a lump of coal but DO NOT FEED THE SPATH WITH YOUR EMOTIONS.
Thank you ladies, I appreciate your comments. I am glad I have someone to ask about these things.
Thanks for your response, skylar. I was not referring to the past deaths only. CQ had to have had the occasional fleeting doubt about what happened in those two other cases. The judge in her case himself probably confused her more. What CQ did not know was that the father had taken out three life insurance policies on her child. Had she known that, she would have notified authorities, or run away even, and she likely would have been posting in horror about that or about what she and her child just dodged and not about dealing with someone who wanted to control her for control’s sake.
I was not saying grey rock is toying with anybody. But from everything I have seen, police would look askance at pretending to your stalker that he is a specimen to be examined in your research and welcoming him to speak. It’s an unconventional way to respond, from their point of view, and a victim has no business interacting with a harrasser even to try to get better documentation. Again from their point of view. The harrasser himself may end up humiliated and insensed that he is being seen or depicted as some sort of clinical case by lov10. If he says word one along these lines to the police, or distorts what was actually happening into some new he-said/she-said, the police might be asking lov10 “what on earth were you thinking?” At best I think they would buy “I was trying to stall him until you came and picked him up.”
I don’t question that grey rock is the way to go during the moments that interaction is being forced on you. I think the speech pathology thing is not quite grey rock.