I have heard a lot of people give advice about how the best way to get rid of a psychopath is to show him/her a “grey rock” of emotions. While I understand that this means that I cannot let the psychopath see any emotion beyond that of an emotionless grey rock, putting this theory into practice has proved to be one of the hardest things to do. I still believe I will have my moments, but it took an extreme situation for me to tap into what I needed to understand in order to achieve my own version of “grey rock”.
The “Extreme Situation”:
Baby boy had another rough 72 hours which landed him two more hospital visits. We started out in the hospital a few days ago after he spiked another fever, had another seizure, and this time turned blue in the process.
There has been nothing in my life more terrifying than seeing my son not able to breath and appear as if he is dying. I had to simply hold him and wait for an ambulance as there was nothing medically I could do to help him. While I felt like panicking along with my poor little boy (and I initially did), that moment allowed me to dig deep and become the rock that my son needed. I found the strength to calmly give the paramedics information and speak to the doctors in actual sentences that appeared to make sense. I didn’t realize how strong I had become during this year of “Luc terror” until the doctor applauded me for being able to remain so calm during such a terrible experience. I thought to myself, ”˜this woman doesn’t know what Mama has been through’.
Practicing “Grey Rock”:
Luc was supposed to have a visit the day after this medical emergency began; however, given the state baby boy was in it was only reasonable to cancel the visit. There was no way I was putting a child who had a fever of 105 in a car with Luc (whom he still barely knows) to drive three hours round trip just so that Luc could play dad for the day. While Luc was busy throwing a fit with the supervisor via text message (requesting proof that baby boy was actually sick and insisting on a makeup visit), it occurred to me that I may have finally gotten to a point where I realize the insignificance of Luc.
This weekend I think I finally achieved “grey rock” with Luc. When the supervisor texted me for reports and told me, “don’t be surprised if he insists on a makeup visit”, I simply said, “my number one concern is baby boy and NOT Luc’s visitation schedule. You can tell him that I will provide him with the necessary documentation of baby boy’s medical situation to document my reasons for canceling the visit.” I wasn’t upset about his antics because there was no point. I had more important things to be concerned with other than how Luc was feeling and his threats.
Lawyers: A Necessary Evil (and an occasional reality check)
On the morning after baby boy’s hospital visit, I had the first civil conversation I have had with my attorneys in months. I called them about a conversation that I had with the supervisor the day before. The supervisor was insisting that I send the emergency plan I had created (in the event my son has another medical emergency while with Luc) to Luc’s attorneys. My attorney had been resisting any sort of communication with Luc’s attorney and insisting the supervisor be the one to pass the paperwork. While Luc insisted that he still obtained legal representation, my lawyers weren’t buying it.
After several days of this ridiculous back and forth, I finally got a straight answer out of my attorney. He said, “whatever comes out of Luc’s mouth…consider it just words. I don’t believe his ‘old’ attorney wants anything because if she does, she knows my number and can call me for it. Luc is full of crap.” He doesn’t believe Luc has an attorney anymore (attorneys tend to stop representing you when you won’t pay them). While my attorney still assured me that they had my back (which I had started to question), they told me to do my best to ignore Luc’s idle threats and just move forward with my life.
It has been a roller coaster of emotions with my legal team as sometimes I wonder whether or not they are more concerned about their reputation and bank account than doing what is right. That being said, the attorney I spoke with re the above conversation helped me to further put things in perspective. He helped me to realize that I was putting way to much stress and weight on the words coming out of Luc’s mouth. I had been allowing Luc to get the best of me when, really, he is insignificant. I am not sure what keeps making me think that Luc is capable of telling the truth, but my lawyers were right – Luc isn’t going to start being honest now.
Finding My Definition of “Grey Rock”:
Even during a very stressful weekend dealing with a sick child, Luc was trying to terrorize me via our court ordered third party (the supervised exchanged professional). My attorney served an important purpose in reminding me that I am baby boys legal custodian and that no matter how much Luc tries to throw a toddler- style fit about that, he can’t force the court to see him as the healthy and fit parent. He cannot change the fact that I will always be “mama” to my baby boy.
This weekend was terrible. I was awake for about three days straight watching baby boy sleep, constantly taking his temperature, and administering medication in order to try and prevent another Febrile seizure. During the hours spent awake watching baby boy, I had a lot of time to think about our little “family situation”. One of the conclusions that I came to is how much I am able to control my sons environment. I will be the parent he turns to when he is sick and needs protection. He will be able to rely on me through the good times and the bad ones. Nobody will ever be able to take away the bond me and my son have with each other.
It was through both the turmoil and the reality check from my attorneys that I came to my two part definition of what “Grey Rock” means to me:
- Emotionless Grey Rock: This refers to the act of giving the psychopath no emotions to feed off of. This is like torture to a psychopath. They hate it when they don’t feel relevant and they will be tortured when they realize they can no longer create chaos in their life of their victim. No matter how much of a fit I might be throwing inside, I need to channel this emotionless grey rock when it comes to Luc (and by proxy the drama fueler supervisor for the exchanges).
- The Mama Grey Rock of Strength: This refers to a mother’s ability to be the rock of reason, stability, and love for her child. I cannot help that my son’s father is disordered – that he is a psychopath. I can, however, be the strong supportive rock that my son needs. I will not allow Luc to take that from me with his attempts to drive me insane.
Just Another Disordered Encounter – “Insignificance of the Psychopath”:
Finally, baby boy will likely encounter many people during his life who are disordered. His father, unfortunately, will be one of them. This weekend I was able to see our custody situation for what it is. Baby boy’s father is a visitor. There will be times when baby boy is sick and when these visits will not occur. Luc will continue to throw fits and threaten to take me back to court. He will continue doing anything his evil (and feeble) mind can think of to terrorize me and attempt to exert control over both me and baby boy.
Despite having had several moments over the past year when I have wondered if I am going crazy (because of Luc’s reign of terror), I consider myself relatively psychologically healthy. During my life, Luc hasn’t been the first person on the spectrum of Psychopathy (though possibly the only full blown psychopath) that I have run into. Now that I understand more about the disorder, I can identify many people from previous bosses, ex- boyfriends, and even family members who have many characteristics on the psychopathy spectrum. I would love to be able to shelter baby boy from these people and all of their negative influences, but I realize that is not our reality. The best I can do is to not allow the terror to negatively impact my relationship with my son.
Living with Luc was like living in hell. I thank God every day that I was able to leave that man before he killed me. I am also thankful that my son will never have to see me put up with abuse at the hands of Luc. He may not understand why I left his father for some time, however, when he does understand my guess is that he will respect me more for making the decision to leave. I also have hope that he will see me as his “Mama Grey Rock of Strength” who protected him, loved him, and helped him become an emotionally healthy man.
Ox;
Thanks for the reminder. I do have Donna’s book, and refer to it very often not to mention reading this blog keeps me on my toes. I have turned away jerks without thinking twice, once I have identified a red flag, they are gone. And it happens pretty fast. There is no second chances when it comes to being dishonest, hurtful, etc. When I have been asked about the qualities I would like in a man, some have told that I must think “I am all that.” I just smile at them.
I have been drama free for the last 20 month and intent to keep it this way. My new friend is also drama free, comes with two beautiful dogs and shares my faith but I am still cautiuos… We both have established our boundaries early on and we are in the “lets get to know each other phase” at the moment. We are not willing to compromise the friendship that we are developing by jumping into bed too soon.
Life without a spath is a good life.
Alina, Sounds like you’ve got your head on straight…slow and easy. Get to know each other and be FRIENDS first. Good job.
This is a fascinating description of a spath, from an unusual source, a natural health news organization.
http://www.naturalnews.com/036112_sociopaths_cults_influence.html
It mostly talks about cult spaths.
I thought this part was interesting because it reminded me of my exspath:
Yes, my exspath had a fascination with putrid rotting things and he killed my cat and then had a funeral for him.
My spath BIL, got his brother to commit suicide and then went over the top on the funeral, handling every little detail personally.
Eric Fromm, in The Heart of Man describes this fascination with death, dead objects, and material things. In this description, he calls the malignant narcissist, “the quintessence of evil”.
All, lov10’s difficulties have been on my mind. She is clearly being stalked by a very determined and irrational individual. With respect to Skylar who made the suggestion and those who thought it a good plan, I believe , as do Oxy and Raggedy, that the best course of action for anyone in lov10s position is to inform the police, get a renewed restraining order, inform her colleagues and professional bodies that she her professional reputation is being threatened (in writing) by a stalker and then NO CONTACT. I have reread the posts and I cannot agree that engaging this individual in the role playing suggested is wise. Even as a defensive manoeuver. None of us can possibly predict whether that course of action will lead to a reduction in ‘drama’ or make lov10 safe. This is a worrying situation. All the professional advice on stalkers says quite clearly do not respond directly. If the stalker approaches lov10 she should get away fast. Walk away. Or run. I think you are under enough strain lov10 without practising role playing with the stalker. Don’t speak to him if he approaches you. That is the professional advice. Stay stay and let us know how you get on. x
skylar:
I absolutely love this link you provided. I have bookmarked it. It has a ton of valuable information. I really liked the tips that were given on how to avoid these people. So creepy about the dead things your ex was fascinated with.
It was also interesting to read people’s comments to this article…
Hi, Alina.
From this guy’s experience…
Here is some of what I know now – that I did not know back then-
My ex-gf dated at least one guy within the year before we met. We met in October and started dating at the end of November. During the first couple of months of dating we had some conversations about our ‘past lives.’ During our first Valentine’s Day together she gets a large bouquet of roses from her ‘ex’. This starts a more in-depth discussion of past relationships. Several weeks later my gf tells me on the phone that her ex has informed her that he is physically en route to see her to reconcile.
As far as I know, they never meet. But what ensues after that is me walking my gf through the ‘system’ to get a Court Order against the ex boyfriend prohibiting communication.
Throughout our relationship my gf always seemed nervous, to varying degrees. She had a frequent ‘twitch’ and occasional hand tremors. There were many sources of stress in both of our lives. Looking back on it, it is AMAZING what we went through in the first 2-3 months of our relationship!
But, it didn’t take a psychologist or rocket scientist to know that something was wrong with her. She would keep window shades closed and, even when we did laundry together in the condo laundry room – she would not allow the lights to be turned on – in case someone might see into the windows. I really don’t know the cause of these symptoms – because she had so many besides these. Was it guilt? Was it paranoia? Was it fear? Was it something physiological? It made me hypervigilant and wary about my surroundings. I remember sensing that I was not in a ‘friendly’ environment. I am very protective of my friends – especially the women that I date. If they are nervous – I am nervous and hyper-vigilant.
I was never comfortable in her apartment or in her bed, knowing how many guys had been there before me, seeing the guy’s bathrobe hanging on the door and, knowing that she experienced ‘visions’ or the presence of evil beings in her bedroom. But I kept thinking: ‘I LOVE this lady!’ She fed me just what it took to keep me hanging on. She ‘keyed’ into my dreams and values.
What I found out was that the previous relationship was very dysfunctional and weird – and that relationships prior to that one had to some degree, problems. What I found out was that she had more contact and later contact with the ex than I was led to believe. What I found out was that he continued to contact or attempt to contact her while we were dating.
In other words she was neither open and honest about her previous relationship nor forthcoming about how it was affecting her. I was assuming that I was the reason for her irritability, quirkiness, nervousness, paranoia, etc. – basically for everything that was wrong with our relationship. And she reinforced that feeling.
After more came out into the open about her ex-bf – I tried to understand. But it negatively impacted our relationship. I felt somewhat deceived. It was mind boggling to hear her say that she ‘hated’ her ex-bf after they had been together for ONE month – and yet, they continued dating, sleeping together, taking trips together, communicating for another 15 months++. Imagine what I felt! Does she really hate me, at this point in our relationship? If she can ‘date’ someone – sleep with them, do everything together with someone while hating them….how do I know what is ‘true’?
I have been badly ‘burned’ in the past and have been very wary since then. I always sensed that something was not quite right with my ex-gf. After placing my experience with the ex-gf alongside all that I know about her previous relationships and family history, I have a better understanding. I think that she is disordered and has the marks of a sociopath.
I have my ‘baggage,’ I have my problems.
Everyone on this blog tells me that such people are beyond hope, beyond saving. But, I pray for her everyday. I have no illusions or ideas about being with her again. After what I have been through with her -the good, the bad, the numerous break-ups and make-ups, I expect her to simply ‘show-up’ any day. I will not initiate this and do not know what I will be doing or who I will be with – but I will have to deal with it.
Here is the point for you:
I hope that you are ‘settled’ and understand your past relationships – especially the one that ended with the filing of a Restraining Order. I hope that you will be comfortable with discussing it with your current bf. I feel that the effects of past relationships probably stay with us for the rest of their lives. Our experiences make us who we are. What is nice and preferable is to meet someone that loves us and accepts us for all that we are.
I think that a guy or girl in a relationship should know if there is a potential credible threat to their safety ‘out there’. They should know if there is someone that has made threats or committed violent acts. I hope that your current relationship is strong enough to handle it.
Alina, you’ve been out of the terror of the spath for a year and you’ve been dating someone or seeing someone that you’re already considering to be a potential “life partner” after only 2 months. This is what I”m reading, and if my perception on these fact are incorrect, I’ll apologize, in advance.
I’m not intending to type harshly, here, but the type of stalking and harassment that warrants a Restraining Order creates a psyche that experiences extreme stress, anxiety, and trauma that requires YEARS to recover from. Usually, counseling therapy is in order for such extreme trauma – this assists in processing the anxiety, fears, trust-issue, etc., as well as helping to set up strong, firm boundaries for everyone, across the board.
Two months is a drop in the proverbial bucket of Life. There are a number of LF readers who were further traumatized because the spaths sent people to create damage, on their behalfs. The only way to know if this man is TRULY free of a personal agenda is long-term observation WITHOUT feeling obligated to engage in a relationship for which you may not be prepared to entertain, yet.
Recovery from spath damages takes years – literally. Some people never recover enough to entertain a romantic relationship. But, I would strongly urge you to view each facet of your situation without applying emotional reaction. YOU are first on that list of priorities: are you recovered well enough that you do not respond to triggers and are capable of managing them without feeling obligated to explain your past history to ANYone? Restraining Order is next on the list of priorities: is this guy a physical danger to you? Should you be talking to local law enforcement about this? The last thing on your list of priorities (IMHO) is allowing someone into your life this soon after trauma. But, this is simply my humble opinion, and I’m no professional.
Take the emotion out of the equation, Alina. Consider basing your decisions upon FACTS instead of “feelings.” Yes, those “feelings” are real, but they typically aren’t based upon fact. In this type of situation, a cool, detached, and unemotional head is required.
Brightest blessing
Great post, Truthspeak.
I think that it will be helpful to Alina and anyone that is in such a situation.
In applying your thoughts to my experience I think: Wow! It is tough to deal with a traumatic experience like having to get a RO and threats or acts of violence. How ‘lucky’ I was to BE WITH a woman while she was going through that process!
Fixerupper, even when someone doesn’t “have” to seek a RO for their own protection, the carnage of spath entanglements is the same in every way. Betrayal, deceit, crazy-making, cog/diss, and the whole dirty ball of wax.
I’m a very strong advocate of counseling therapy simply because this type of recovery isn’t something that I believe we are, as human beings, equipped to handle on our own. If a family member passes, a car accident happens, or a tornado rips through our town, we can point to the headstone, the crunched vehicle, or the flattened structures and say, “See that? That’s why I’m grieving so badly.”
When our lives, finances, beliefs, self-perceptions, and personal safety have been dismantled, we can point to some charming dipshit and say, “See that? That is why I am suffering PSTD, trust-issues, self-blame, and my house is gone!” When we do that, other people who DO NOT GET IT look at us as if we’ve turned into asparagus. “Him/her? THEY caused you to behave like a crazy person? Uh….I don’t believe it.” Then, the cycle of blame, victimization, minimization, and dismissal continues “times 10.”
Working through and out of spath damages is an ongoing process – four steps forward, three backward. And, it is NO easy task because most people do not have the tools, techniques, and training to point us in the right direction to heal ourselves and recover.
Until I make substantial recovery, I will be vulnerable to anyone with an agenda – man, woman, or child. I am first on my list of priorities, and the idea of a partner isn’t even in the next several chapters of my life – if, at all. I’m OKAY without a partner. I don’t NEED someone else to tell me that I’m valid, accepted, or approved-of. I must provide these affirmations to myself, BY myself, or risk being predated, once again.
This is the primary reason that I am such a strong advocate for counseling therapy. Someone out there has the training, information, knowledge, tools, and techniques that I do not have access to. That person will hear my words, my fears, my issues, and my “needs” and point me in the direction to learn, heal, and recover under my own power. It’s just an assist, but without that assist, I would not know where to begin the recovery and, subsequently, determine that the whole painting is too busy for me to look at as a WHOLE and simply give up before I even began to sort out the imagery.
Brightest blessings
Truthy, your above post is excellent and should be posted on the refrigerator and bathroom mirrors of us ALL!