I have heard a lot of people give advice about how the best way to get rid of a psychopath is to show him/her a “grey rock” of emotions. While I understand that this means that I cannot let the psychopath see any emotion beyond that of an emotionless grey rock, putting this theory into practice has proved to be one of the hardest things to do. I still believe I will have my moments, but it took an extreme situation for me to tap into what I needed to understand in order to achieve my own version of “grey rock”.
The “Extreme Situation”:
Baby boy had another rough 72 hours which landed him two more hospital visits. We started out in the hospital a few days ago after he spiked another fever, had another seizure, and this time turned blue in the process.
There has been nothing in my life more terrifying than seeing my son not able to breath and appear as if he is dying. I had to simply hold him and wait for an ambulance as there was nothing medically I could do to help him. While I felt like panicking along with my poor little boy (and I initially did), that moment allowed me to dig deep and become the rock that my son needed. I found the strength to calmly give the paramedics information and speak to the doctors in actual sentences that appeared to make sense. I didn’t realize how strong I had become during this year of “Luc terror” until the doctor applauded me for being able to remain so calm during such a terrible experience. I thought to myself, ”˜this woman doesn’t know what Mama has been through’.
Practicing “Grey Rock”:
Luc was supposed to have a visit the day after this medical emergency began; however, given the state baby boy was in it was only reasonable to cancel the visit. There was no way I was putting a child who had a fever of 105 in a car with Luc (whom he still barely knows) to drive three hours round trip just so that Luc could play dad for the day. While Luc was busy throwing a fit with the supervisor via text message (requesting proof that baby boy was actually sick and insisting on a makeup visit), it occurred to me that I may have finally gotten to a point where I realize the insignificance of Luc.
This weekend I think I finally achieved “grey rock” with Luc. When the supervisor texted me for reports and told me, “don’t be surprised if he insists on a makeup visit”, I simply said, “my number one concern is baby boy and NOT Luc’s visitation schedule. You can tell him that I will provide him with the necessary documentation of baby boy’s medical situation to document my reasons for canceling the visit.” I wasn’t upset about his antics because there was no point. I had more important things to be concerned with other than how Luc was feeling and his threats.
Lawyers: A Necessary Evil (and an occasional reality check)
On the morning after baby boy’s hospital visit, I had the first civil conversation I have had with my attorneys in months. I called them about a conversation that I had with the supervisor the day before. The supervisor was insisting that I send the emergency plan I had created (in the event my son has another medical emergency while with Luc) to Luc’s attorneys. My attorney had been resisting any sort of communication with Luc’s attorney and insisting the supervisor be the one to pass the paperwork. While Luc insisted that he still obtained legal representation, my lawyers weren’t buying it.
After several days of this ridiculous back and forth, I finally got a straight answer out of my attorney. He said, “whatever comes out of Luc’s mouth…consider it just words. I don’t believe his ‘old’ attorney wants anything because if she does, she knows my number and can call me for it. Luc is full of crap.” He doesn’t believe Luc has an attorney anymore (attorneys tend to stop representing you when you won’t pay them). While my attorney still assured me that they had my back (which I had started to question), they told me to do my best to ignore Luc’s idle threats and just move forward with my life.
It has been a roller coaster of emotions with my legal team as sometimes I wonder whether or not they are more concerned about their reputation and bank account than doing what is right. That being said, the attorney I spoke with re the above conversation helped me to further put things in perspective. He helped me to realize that I was putting way to much stress and weight on the words coming out of Luc’s mouth. I had been allowing Luc to get the best of me when, really, he is insignificant. I am not sure what keeps making me think that Luc is capable of telling the truth, but my lawyers were right – Luc isn’t going to start being honest now.
Finding My Definition of “Grey Rock”:
Even during a very stressful weekend dealing with a sick child, Luc was trying to terrorize me via our court ordered third party (the supervised exchanged professional). My attorney served an important purpose in reminding me that I am baby boys legal custodian and that no matter how much Luc tries to throw a toddler- style fit about that, he can’t force the court to see him as the healthy and fit parent. He cannot change the fact that I will always be “mama” to my baby boy.
This weekend was terrible. I was awake for about three days straight watching baby boy sleep, constantly taking his temperature, and administering medication in order to try and prevent another Febrile seizure. During the hours spent awake watching baby boy, I had a lot of time to think about our little “family situation”. One of the conclusions that I came to is how much I am able to control my sons environment. I will be the parent he turns to when he is sick and needs protection. He will be able to rely on me through the good times and the bad ones. Nobody will ever be able to take away the bond me and my son have with each other.
It was through both the turmoil and the reality check from my attorneys that I came to my two part definition of what “Grey Rock” means to me:
- Emotionless Grey Rock: This refers to the act of giving the psychopath no emotions to feed off of. This is like torture to a psychopath. They hate it when they don’t feel relevant and they will be tortured when they realize they can no longer create chaos in their life of their victim. No matter how much of a fit I might be throwing inside, I need to channel this emotionless grey rock when it comes to Luc (and by proxy the drama fueler supervisor for the exchanges).
- The Mama Grey Rock of Strength: This refers to a mother’s ability to be the rock of reason, stability, and love for her child. I cannot help that my son’s father is disordered – that he is a psychopath. I can, however, be the strong supportive rock that my son needs. I will not allow Luc to take that from me with his attempts to drive me insane.
Just Another Disordered Encounter – “Insignificance of the Psychopath”:
Finally, baby boy will likely encounter many people during his life who are disordered. His father, unfortunately, will be one of them. This weekend I was able to see our custody situation for what it is. Baby boy’s father is a visitor. There will be times when baby boy is sick and when these visits will not occur. Luc will continue to throw fits and threaten to take me back to court. He will continue doing anything his evil (and feeble) mind can think of to terrorize me and attempt to exert control over both me and baby boy.
Despite having had several moments over the past year when I have wondered if I am going crazy (because of Luc’s reign of terror), I consider myself relatively psychologically healthy. During my life, Luc hasn’t been the first person on the spectrum of Psychopathy (though possibly the only full blown psychopath) that I have run into. Now that I understand more about the disorder, I can identify many people from previous bosses, ex- boyfriends, and even family members who have many characteristics on the psychopathy spectrum. I would love to be able to shelter baby boy from these people and all of their negative influences, but I realize that is not our reality. The best I can do is to not allow the terror to negatively impact my relationship with my son.
Living with Luc was like living in hell. I thank God every day that I was able to leave that man before he killed me. I am also thankful that my son will never have to see me put up with abuse at the hands of Luc. He may not understand why I left his father for some time, however, when he does understand my guess is that he will respect me more for making the decision to leave. I also have hope that he will see me as his “Mama Grey Rock of Strength” who protected him, loved him, and helped him become an emotionally healthy man.
Skylar if you don’t mind me asking – how long did it take until your ex truly left you alone?
Lov10, Skylar’s absolutely spot-on about the jacket being the MacGuffin.
Since you do not have children in common, I’m going to ask why you still allow contact with this man. He’s not going to change. He’s not going to “come around.” He’s not going to “play fair.” He’s not going to feel sorry about what he did to you. He’s not going to apologize – sincerely apologize and FEEL remorse. He’s not going to magically “care” about you. He’s not going to do any of these things, regardless of what is returned. He’s just not.
Playing “tit-for-tat” with a spath NEVER ends well. “I’ll return the jacket that you gave me, if you return the flatware I bought for you, and we’ll call it even.” This is never, ever going to end it and there will never, EVER be an amicable split, here. The more you respond, the more he’s going to perceive your responses as having CONTROL over YOUR REACTIONS. THIS is his in-road to stalking and harassing you.
Yes. If you believe that he may inflict harm upon you, file for a restraining order, change your phone numbers, get a PO Box, etc. Do it if you are fearful of this man. And, after you are granted the restraining order, DO NOT RESPOND to him, any third-party contact, or mutual “friends” inserting themselves in this matter. This has now become a matter of “business” instead of seeking amicable closure. Your “business” is to protect yourself and use your head instead of your heart to accomplish this.
Brightest blessings
Lov10,
I left him in May 2009 and I thought he had left me alone by the end of 2011 but he sent me several emails around Christmas, to which I didn’t respond. So far this year he has only sent me 2 emails, the last one in May:
See, they just want to know that they can make you RESPOND.
Skylar
You should simply reply.
‘It is scientific fact that psychopaths do not dream, nice try though x’
LOL!
I didn’t respond at all, but that would have been a good one.
My exspath did talk in his sleep. Do you think he was faking it? It seems to me that they would dream, though, because they are just like infants and infants dream.
never_again, while that reply might be Witty to a normal person, to respond AT ALL to a psychopath is like throwing blood into the water around a shark, all it does is excite them. The ONLY control we have is NO CONTACT and that means no response in any way. And unless you are threatened, you don’t back stalk them either by trying to find out what they are doing, who they are dating, etc. You don’t let mutual acquanitances tell you how they are doing, etc.
In my case I have to keep up as much as I can because my stalker (my son) though in prison has sent one ex convict to kill me and If he can find another one he will send him. I also have to fight his parole hearings and it takes an EMOTIONAL TOLL on me every time I have to do it. For MONTHS and hiring an attorney (money I have to scrounge up) I would much rather have NC, total NC. But I have no choice.
Co-parents with these monsters are forced to “interact” with them as well and turn their children over for unsupervised visits. The stress must be awful. NC would be so much better.
I am co-trustee of a family trust with my egg donor and I have to communicate with her about business, but I do it as much by E MAIL as I can, so that I have a RECORD of the conversations.
Occasionally in an emergency we might have a 1 minute telephone convo but I keep those to a bare minimum.
Co-parents are also encouraged to communicate by e mail or OurFamily Wizard a program for warring parents that documents legally all times and convos
For our own protection NC is best, but if you MUST communicate with them for any reason, then GRAY ROCK–which is NO EMOTIONAL REACTIONS OF ANY KIND, sort of like the old TV series from when I was a kid where a detective named Jack Webb was totally flat affect and would say “Just the FACTS mam'” We have to be thhe same way, just the facts. NO emotional response.
Ox
Yes I know I was only joking to point out that most of us probably now know more about them then the dumbarses even know about themselves. I know there is no way SL would even reply to the scumbag!
never again, yea I knew you were joking, but since 90% of communication is non verbal I didn’t know if you were seriously suggesting that she send the joking response. (thus my response)
Although nothing I wrote up there is “new” (it is all over LF) I’m not sure just how much you knew about NC and it is never a bad idea to review it for any of us, even us “old timers” here.
Skylar
I think in both the Hare and Sheridan books it says they don’t dream. The ‘talking in his sleep’ may have been a way to freek you out so you felt uneasy around him. Power all the way!
They do mimic things they’ve seen obviously. He may have seen it in a film and knew it was frightening to someone so he stole the idea. My final ‘discard speech’ sounded very familiar (& cold) to me so I googled it and it was from an episode of Mad Men, kinda apt really.
Mine used to RAVE about this film called The White Ribbon and how amazing it was. I had seen it but not thought much of it dispute its critical acclaim, but when I watched it again after the ‘attack’ I knew why he liked it so much.
It’s about a group of children in a small village in Germany who decide to take ‘revenge’ on the adults of the village by performing horrific acts of violence on the adults and other children in the village just for the fun of it. They do all of these horrific things and yet they have manipulated all the adults so much that NOONE in the town ever suspects them. The one person who does is driven from the town and the blame for the ‘attacks’ are then scapegoated onto people who leave the town when they can’t take it anymore. The children get off scottfree….
I wonder why it’s his favourite movie 🙂
Never again, I do not recall anything in Hare saying that Psychopaths do not dream. I am not familiar with sheridan saying that either. Could you quote the sources please, I would be very interested in that material. (or anyone else that can find the quotes)
OMG what a horrible movie! Sort of like “Let there be Blood” makes chills run up my spine.