I have heard a lot of people give advice about how the best way to get rid of a psychopath is to show him/her a “grey rock” of emotions. While I understand that this means that I cannot let the psychopath see any emotion beyond that of an emotionless grey rock, putting this theory into practice has proved to be one of the hardest things to do. I still believe I will have my moments, but it took an extreme situation for me to tap into what I needed to understand in order to achieve my own version of “grey rock”.
The “Extreme Situation”:
Baby boy had another rough 72 hours which landed him two more hospital visits. We started out in the hospital a few days ago after he spiked another fever, had another seizure, and this time turned blue in the process.
There has been nothing in my life more terrifying than seeing my son not able to breath and appear as if he is dying. I had to simply hold him and wait for an ambulance as there was nothing medically I could do to help him. While I felt like panicking along with my poor little boy (and I initially did), that moment allowed me to dig deep and become the rock that my son needed. I found the strength to calmly give the paramedics information and speak to the doctors in actual sentences that appeared to make sense. I didn’t realize how strong I had become during this year of “Luc terror” until the doctor applauded me for being able to remain so calm during such a terrible experience. I thought to myself, ”˜this woman doesn’t know what Mama has been through’.
Practicing “Grey Rock”:
Luc was supposed to have a visit the day after this medical emergency began; however, given the state baby boy was in it was only reasonable to cancel the visit. There was no way I was putting a child who had a fever of 105 in a car with Luc (whom he still barely knows) to drive three hours round trip just so that Luc could play dad for the day. While Luc was busy throwing a fit with the supervisor via text message (requesting proof that baby boy was actually sick and insisting on a makeup visit), it occurred to me that I may have finally gotten to a point where I realize the insignificance of Luc.
This weekend I think I finally achieved “grey rock” with Luc. When the supervisor texted me for reports and told me, “don’t be surprised if he insists on a makeup visit”, I simply said, “my number one concern is baby boy and NOT Luc’s visitation schedule. You can tell him that I will provide him with the necessary documentation of baby boy’s medical situation to document my reasons for canceling the visit.” I wasn’t upset about his antics because there was no point. I had more important things to be concerned with other than how Luc was feeling and his threats.
Lawyers: A Necessary Evil (and an occasional reality check)
On the morning after baby boy’s hospital visit, I had the first civil conversation I have had with my attorneys in months. I called them about a conversation that I had with the supervisor the day before. The supervisor was insisting that I send the emergency plan I had created (in the event my son has another medical emergency while with Luc) to Luc’s attorneys. My attorney had been resisting any sort of communication with Luc’s attorney and insisting the supervisor be the one to pass the paperwork. While Luc insisted that he still obtained legal representation, my lawyers weren’t buying it.
After several days of this ridiculous back and forth, I finally got a straight answer out of my attorney. He said, “whatever comes out of Luc’s mouth…consider it just words. I don’t believe his ‘old’ attorney wants anything because if she does, she knows my number and can call me for it. Luc is full of crap.” He doesn’t believe Luc has an attorney anymore (attorneys tend to stop representing you when you won’t pay them). While my attorney still assured me that they had my back (which I had started to question), they told me to do my best to ignore Luc’s idle threats and just move forward with my life.
It has been a roller coaster of emotions with my legal team as sometimes I wonder whether or not they are more concerned about their reputation and bank account than doing what is right. That being said, the attorney I spoke with re the above conversation helped me to further put things in perspective. He helped me to realize that I was putting way to much stress and weight on the words coming out of Luc’s mouth. I had been allowing Luc to get the best of me when, really, he is insignificant. I am not sure what keeps making me think that Luc is capable of telling the truth, but my lawyers were right – Luc isn’t going to start being honest now.
Finding My Definition of “Grey Rock”:
Even during a very stressful weekend dealing with a sick child, Luc was trying to terrorize me via our court ordered third party (the supervised exchanged professional). My attorney served an important purpose in reminding me that I am baby boys legal custodian and that no matter how much Luc tries to throw a toddler- style fit about that, he can’t force the court to see him as the healthy and fit parent. He cannot change the fact that I will always be “mama” to my baby boy.
This weekend was terrible. I was awake for about three days straight watching baby boy sleep, constantly taking his temperature, and administering medication in order to try and prevent another Febrile seizure. During the hours spent awake watching baby boy, I had a lot of time to think about our little “family situation”. One of the conclusions that I came to is how much I am able to control my sons environment. I will be the parent he turns to when he is sick and needs protection. He will be able to rely on me through the good times and the bad ones. Nobody will ever be able to take away the bond me and my son have with each other.
It was through both the turmoil and the reality check from my attorneys that I came to my two part definition of what “Grey Rock” means to me:
- Emotionless Grey Rock: This refers to the act of giving the psychopath no emotions to feed off of. This is like torture to a psychopath. They hate it when they don’t feel relevant and they will be tortured when they realize they can no longer create chaos in their life of their victim. No matter how much of a fit I might be throwing inside, I need to channel this emotionless grey rock when it comes to Luc (and by proxy the drama fueler supervisor for the exchanges).
- The Mama Grey Rock of Strength: This refers to a mother’s ability to be the rock of reason, stability, and love for her child. I cannot help that my son’s father is disordered – that he is a psychopath. I can, however, be the strong supportive rock that my son needs. I will not allow Luc to take that from me with his attempts to drive me insane.
Just Another Disordered Encounter – “Insignificance of the Psychopath”:
Finally, baby boy will likely encounter many people during his life who are disordered. His father, unfortunately, will be one of them. This weekend I was able to see our custody situation for what it is. Baby boy’s father is a visitor. There will be times when baby boy is sick and when these visits will not occur. Luc will continue to throw fits and threaten to take me back to court. He will continue doing anything his evil (and feeble) mind can think of to terrorize me and attempt to exert control over both me and baby boy.
Despite having had several moments over the past year when I have wondered if I am going crazy (because of Luc’s reign of terror), I consider myself relatively psychologically healthy. During my life, Luc hasn’t been the first person on the spectrum of Psychopathy (though possibly the only full blown psychopath) that I have run into. Now that I understand more about the disorder, I can identify many people from previous bosses, ex- boyfriends, and even family members who have many characteristics on the psychopathy spectrum. I would love to be able to shelter baby boy from these people and all of their negative influences, but I realize that is not our reality. The best I can do is to not allow the terror to negatively impact my relationship with my son.
Living with Luc was like living in hell. I thank God every day that I was able to leave that man before he killed me. I am also thankful that my son will never have to see me put up with abuse at the hands of Luc. He may not understand why I left his father for some time, however, when he does understand my guess is that he will respect me more for making the decision to leave. I also have hope that he will see me as his “Mama Grey Rock of Strength” who protected him, loved him, and helped him become an emotionally healthy man.
Oxy
Yes I know how important NC is, sorry I shouldn’t have made a joke of it in case some people didn’t know how important it is. I learnt very quickly that no matter how much you try to ‘get back at them’ you will never win, they will just hit you with a bigger hammer. Lies and cruelty come so easy to them that even attempting to try and deal with them in anyway once the mask has dropped is simply pointless as they just don’t care.
Mine opened up a profile on a website that I chat to my friends on 2 months after NC started. He has never contacted me, but when I sign in he logs out and back in so our profiles appear right next to each other. I just ignore him. What makes me laugh is, each time he goes on holidays he adds a new picture of himself in that place to his profile. I am sure it is meant to have some kind of crushing effect on me, but I just laugh because it is so childish and I don’t care one little bit. All I ever think is ‘ooh Id love to go there, but thank God it won’t be with you’ lol
Oxy
From Puzzling People, Thomas Sheridan.
“people in a relationship with a psychopath will often remark that they generally cannot recall the psychopath waking in the morning and discussing a dream they had during the night. Psychopaths only seem to dream as very young children and their dreams have a tendency to be intense with vivid recollections of floating ”“ similar to reports of out-of-body experiences. When approaching puberty, the psychopath stops dreaming completely. If an adult psychopath does talk about dreaming it can sound faked, embellished, flowery and unrealistic, such as the dream progressing like a movie ”“ devoid of allegory, metaphor and archetypal motifs. They are making their dream stories up in order to convince their target of some kismet or special bond which the fabricated dream identified. However, after the initial idealisation stage, the victims report never hearing the psychopath talk about having dreams again. Modern research has identified that dream activity during sleep is most active in the frontal lobes of the human brain. Dream imagery and visions are due to complex cognitive processes in and around the frontal areas of the brain. The frontal lobe is also associated with reasoning, planning, parts of speech, emotions, and problem solving ”“ other attributes usually deficient in[”]”
Excerpt From: Sheridan, Thomas. “Puzzling People.” Velluminous Press, 2012. iBooks.
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Check out this book on the iBookstore: https://itunes.apple.com/WebObjects/MZStore.woa/wa/viewBook?id=581550240
I have that book and have read some of it but not all.
Thanks for the quote but I don’t see that as PROOF that they do not dream, only that their partners don’t report a lot of talk about dreams.
But I will read the entire book (been reading other things right now just to get away from reading about psychopaths) There are times I get so fed up reading about psychopaths or what trauma does to the brain (PTSD I just have to read something that as NOTHING to do with Trauma, PTSD or psychopathy, such as biography, history, or pure light fiction (“chewing gum for the eyes” as my late husband used to say.)
Sorry to change the topic here- I had a restraining order on my ex and when it expired he weasled his way and manipulated me into his life again. I feel ashamed but I was afraid of what his capabilities were at the time and thought keeping cordial would be a good thing. At that time !!! Now after educating myself about this I see and understand what you are all saying. I’m afraid the police won’t take me serious this time knowing I’ve spoken with him. I feel cornered.
I haven’t responded to his vindictive email and I don’t plan on giving him back his jacket even though he said that’s all he wants and he’ll move on with his life. It’s all bull. I’m honestly I’m fear though of his response to my no response.
Oxy
I think the problem with the Sheridan book is that he not an expert and his book consists of a lot of information that while being scientific, appears to be his own conclusion on a number of test results for other disorders that he then connects to psychopathy himself. A lot of it sounds like the rumblings of an insane person to me, (especially when you see him talk in person lol) so much of it I take with a pinch of salt when he starts to go truly overboard. I did find the dream thing interesting though and because of how, where and why we dream to me it does seem feasible that they wouldn’t dream.
Lov10, if you are interested in seeking another restraining order, I would strongly urge you to contact your local domestic violence hotline to learn what your options are. Or, you can visit http://www.ndvh.org for a list of resources in your area.
You are NOT the first person to allow someone back after a restraining order has expired. I know about a dozen women (and, 1 man) who actually allowed their abusers back while the restraining orders were still in effect!
Drop the shame, Lov10. Shame doesn’t solve anything and it’s an exercise in self-harm. We ALL make decisions that, in hindsight, were probably not the wisest ones to make. It’s okay. Really, it is. Now that you are aware of what you’re dealing with, you “know” what you’re dealing with (if THAT makes sense, I’d be amazed). So, you’re okay.
And, good for you for not responding. Now, you have the option of blocking his emails, his texts, etc. without “feeling” that you somehow OWE this jackass access to your emotions!
Hugs and brightest blessings
EDIT ADD: a recent statistic on domestic violence amended a previous one in that it typically requires a victim of domestic violence/abuse to “take back” their abuser no less than 7 times before they “get it” about the abuser and disallow the relationship to continue.
Never Again,
thanks for that quote. That is exactly my experience with the ex-spath. He made up a dream at the very beginning of our relationshit. He said that he dreamed that we were going on a trip but once we got there, I realized I had forgotten my suitcase and he was sooo angry with me for being so stupid.
I was insulted because I believed that you dream about things as you perceive them and that he perceived me to be so stupid that I would forget my suitcase.
After that, I don’t recall him telling me about any dreams for the next 25 years, BUT he did talk in his sleep and I really don’t think it was fake. People who are emotionally immature tend to talk in their sleep, just as children do.
It’s possible that he didn’t remember his dreams or that they were so perverse that he wouldn’t want to relate them. The other possibility is that they don’t tell their dreams because they NEVER reveal anything truthful about themselves. They don’t want anyone to know the real them and hiding what they dream about would be part of that.
I also knew a narcissist who talked in his sleep. He would relate his dreams to me and I would interpret them for him. The symbolism was always about shame, mother issues, shallow existence, etc… it was amazing, as if his subconscious was trying to tell him what was wrong with him. He didn’t like some of my interpretations.
Lov10,
Truthy’s advice is spot on. If anyone asks, why you were cordial, just say that you are afraid of him and thought appeasing his anger would make him go away, but now you understand that you cannot ever appease an abuser because it just enables them to keep abusing.
Stated in those terms, anyone will understand and will also see that you have good insight into the workings of narcissistic abuse.
Never again,
Being in the medical profession (now retired) I tend to look at RESEARCH rather than ramblings as valid. There is a lot of bull hockey out there about a lot of psychological things, especially psychopathy. So we have to be careful what we believe. LOL
Love10,
Good advice about ditching the shame, and do contact the police about the new restraining order. And the DV hot line in your area. Good luck Stay strong. (((hugs)))
Oxy
I know what you mean and I think in our frantic search for answers we tend to take in a load of bull on the subject. Some things I read I have a little laugh about, but frankly anything bad I read about them is good for me to hear as it helps with my recovery. Why let facts get in the way when you are trying to set yourself free from someone lol
I don’t really care about all the ins and outs of what was wrong with my ex spath, all I need to know is he is evil and I want him out of my life and will never let him back in again. Though a part of me wants to see him get what’s coming to him, I don’t feel the need to bring him down myself as it will be much more enjoyable to hear he has done that all by himself.