I have heard a lot of people give advice about how the best way to get rid of a psychopath is to show him/her a “grey rock” of emotions. While I understand that this means that I cannot let the psychopath see any emotion beyond that of an emotionless grey rock, putting this theory into practice has proved to be one of the hardest things to do. I still believe I will have my moments, but it took an extreme situation for me to tap into what I needed to understand in order to achieve my own version of “grey rock”.
The “Extreme Situation”:
Baby boy had another rough 72 hours which landed him two more hospital visits. We started out in the hospital a few days ago after he spiked another fever, had another seizure, and this time turned blue in the process.
There has been nothing in my life more terrifying than seeing my son not able to breath and appear as if he is dying. I had to simply hold him and wait for an ambulance as there was nothing medically I could do to help him. While I felt like panicking along with my poor little boy (and I initially did), that moment allowed me to dig deep and become the rock that my son needed. I found the strength to calmly give the paramedics information and speak to the doctors in actual sentences that appeared to make sense. I didn’t realize how strong I had become during this year of “Luc terror” until the doctor applauded me for being able to remain so calm during such a terrible experience. I thought to myself, ”˜this woman doesn’t know what Mama has been through’.
Practicing “Grey Rock”:
Luc was supposed to have a visit the day after this medical emergency began; however, given the state baby boy was in it was only reasonable to cancel the visit. There was no way I was putting a child who had a fever of 105 in a car with Luc (whom he still barely knows) to drive three hours round trip just so that Luc could play dad for the day. While Luc was busy throwing a fit with the supervisor via text message (requesting proof that baby boy was actually sick and insisting on a makeup visit), it occurred to me that I may have finally gotten to a point where I realize the insignificance of Luc.
This weekend I think I finally achieved “grey rock” with Luc. When the supervisor texted me for reports and told me, “don’t be surprised if he insists on a makeup visit”, I simply said, “my number one concern is baby boy and NOT Luc’s visitation schedule. You can tell him that I will provide him with the necessary documentation of baby boy’s medical situation to document my reasons for canceling the visit.” I wasn’t upset about his antics because there was no point. I had more important things to be concerned with other than how Luc was feeling and his threats.
Lawyers: A Necessary Evil (and an occasional reality check)
On the morning after baby boy’s hospital visit, I had the first civil conversation I have had with my attorneys in months. I called them about a conversation that I had with the supervisor the day before. The supervisor was insisting that I send the emergency plan I had created (in the event my son has another medical emergency while with Luc) to Luc’s attorneys. My attorney had been resisting any sort of communication with Luc’s attorney and insisting the supervisor be the one to pass the paperwork. While Luc insisted that he still obtained legal representation, my lawyers weren’t buying it.
After several days of this ridiculous back and forth, I finally got a straight answer out of my attorney. He said, “whatever comes out of Luc’s mouth…consider it just words. I don’t believe his ‘old’ attorney wants anything because if she does, she knows my number and can call me for it. Luc is full of crap.” He doesn’t believe Luc has an attorney anymore (attorneys tend to stop representing you when you won’t pay them). While my attorney still assured me that they had my back (which I had started to question), they told me to do my best to ignore Luc’s idle threats and just move forward with my life.
It has been a roller coaster of emotions with my legal team as sometimes I wonder whether or not they are more concerned about their reputation and bank account than doing what is right. That being said, the attorney I spoke with re the above conversation helped me to further put things in perspective. He helped me to realize that I was putting way to much stress and weight on the words coming out of Luc’s mouth. I had been allowing Luc to get the best of me when, really, he is insignificant. I am not sure what keeps making me think that Luc is capable of telling the truth, but my lawyers were right – Luc isn’t going to start being honest now.
Finding My Definition of “Grey Rock”:
Even during a very stressful weekend dealing with a sick child, Luc was trying to terrorize me via our court ordered third party (the supervised exchanged professional). My attorney served an important purpose in reminding me that I am baby boys legal custodian and that no matter how much Luc tries to throw a toddler- style fit about that, he can’t force the court to see him as the healthy and fit parent. He cannot change the fact that I will always be “mama” to my baby boy.
This weekend was terrible. I was awake for about three days straight watching baby boy sleep, constantly taking his temperature, and administering medication in order to try and prevent another Febrile seizure. During the hours spent awake watching baby boy, I had a lot of time to think about our little “family situation”. One of the conclusions that I came to is how much I am able to control my sons environment. I will be the parent he turns to when he is sick and needs protection. He will be able to rely on me through the good times and the bad ones. Nobody will ever be able to take away the bond me and my son have with each other.
It was through both the turmoil and the reality check from my attorneys that I came to my two part definition of what “Grey Rock” means to me:
- Emotionless Grey Rock: This refers to the act of giving the psychopath no emotions to feed off of. This is like torture to a psychopath. They hate it when they don’t feel relevant and they will be tortured when they realize they can no longer create chaos in their life of their victim. No matter how much of a fit I might be throwing inside, I need to channel this emotionless grey rock when it comes to Luc (and by proxy the drama fueler supervisor for the exchanges).
- The Mama Grey Rock of Strength: This refers to a mother’s ability to be the rock of reason, stability, and love for her child. I cannot help that my son’s father is disordered – that he is a psychopath. I can, however, be the strong supportive rock that my son needs. I will not allow Luc to take that from me with his attempts to drive me insane.
Just Another Disordered Encounter – “Insignificance of the Psychopath”:
Finally, baby boy will likely encounter many people during his life who are disordered. His father, unfortunately, will be one of them. This weekend I was able to see our custody situation for what it is. Baby boy’s father is a visitor. There will be times when baby boy is sick and when these visits will not occur. Luc will continue to throw fits and threaten to take me back to court. He will continue doing anything his evil (and feeble) mind can think of to terrorize me and attempt to exert control over both me and baby boy.
Despite having had several moments over the past year when I have wondered if I am going crazy (because of Luc’s reign of terror), I consider myself relatively psychologically healthy. During my life, Luc hasn’t been the first person on the spectrum of Psychopathy (though possibly the only full blown psychopath) that I have run into. Now that I understand more about the disorder, I can identify many people from previous bosses, ex- boyfriends, and even family members who have many characteristics on the psychopathy spectrum. I would love to be able to shelter baby boy from these people and all of their negative influences, but I realize that is not our reality. The best I can do is to not allow the terror to negatively impact my relationship with my son.
Living with Luc was like living in hell. I thank God every day that I was able to leave that man before he killed me. I am also thankful that my son will never have to see me put up with abuse at the hands of Luc. He may not understand why I left his father for some time, however, when he does understand my guess is that he will respect me more for making the decision to leave. I also have hope that he will see me as his “Mama Grey Rock of Strength” who protected him, loved him, and helped him become an emotionally healthy man.
yes!
Thank you everyone for your words of encouragement. Fixerupper thank you. I agree with what you mentioned above. Their discard process really does show their true colors. It’s hard for me like mentioned above- my feelings in this were real and genuine while his werent. I thought they were in the few times he expressed emotion and love towards me but now I see they werent. That’s what hurts. But I know I deserve better much better as we all do. It’s hard process to go through. It’s unlike any break up I’ve gone through. It makes me feel foolish and almost like a victim to be sad over it because I’m giving him satisfaction in a sense. It’s like a whirl wind. I’m not looking for another relationship I’m working on getting past this portion of my life. Going to work and working out to distract myself. Unfortunately telling myself he’s insane don’t waste your time thinking about him doesn’t take away the pain and heartache. But reading everyone’s stories and advice gives n faith I’ll get to a better place emotionally too.
Kim, your analogy is incredible and utterly SPOT-ON!!!!
Lov10, you’re raw from the hurt, right now. It’s okay to feel the hurt and acknowledge it – it’s REAL. And, I’m going to tell you something that is true because I’m finally experiencing it, myself.
After a time, you’re not even going to notice how far you’ve come in your recovery. It happens slowly and so subtly. It’s not a pleasant journey, to begin, I know. One month from now, you will feel a little better. Six months from now, you’re going to begin feeling the need to do the work to rebuild your boundaries. A year from now, you won’t even recognize the person that brought you to this site.
You’re going to be okay, Lov10. It’s NOT “foolish” to feel the hurt, anger, rage, and grief. This all works itself out, in due time.
Brightest blessings
Thanks Truthspeak, strongawoman and darwinsmom for your responses. And , Thank You everyone for the kind words and support.
lov10 – I wish you a strong, balanced and quick recovery.
I cannot think of the words to describe how much I appreciate you sharing your experience.
Truthspeak wrote to lov10:
“After a time, you’re not even going to notice how far you’ve come in your recovery. It happens slowly and so subtly. It’s not a pleasant journey, to begin, I know.”
It is difficult to look at or see the experience and our recovery progress objectively. Even though you and darwinsmom wrote a kind of ‘congratulations’ and recognized my progress – most of the time, I sure don’t ‘feel’ the progress. But, it is there – mostly in recognizing what happened and how it happened.
All of you will be in my thoughts today.
Hello everyone- so I haven’t had any contact with my ex until he passed by my job on Wednesday. He came unexpected I was so frazzled. He said something happened that he needed to tell me about that’s about me. But he couldn’t tell me now. I said goodbye and walked away. Obviously there’s nothing to say it’s all manipulative. I thought you would all love to see the email I just found in spam folder from him. He sent this later that day Wednesday. Keep in mind this lunatic recently cursed me out degraded me, and wanted an old jacket back he had given me. A terrible email. Then I got an apology email. I have responded to nothing. This is the latest. Not a single ounce of remorse in him for his terrible words:
i passed by you today for one reason only. that was to tell you that we need to talk, and thats what i did. i stressed to you it wouldn’t be a talk about me or us getting back together. i promise you that. your workplace isn’t a place to talk about anything important. a few days ago i came across something that i feel obligated to tell you about. it is very important information for you. any human being with a heart would have tried to reach out to you like i did. you were somebody in my life that i loved, still have love for, and somebody who i care deeply about, despite not being together. even if i didn’t love and care for you it would have been out of respect for you that i would have reached out for you anyway. its that important. at this point i wouldn’t ask you to meet with me and look like a desperate liar and start talking about us getting back together. i cant stress it enough how important it is we speak in person. if you passed by me and told me you needed to speak to me about something important even if i wasn’t happy with you at the time i would meet you. i have enough respect for you that you wouldn’t waste my time and lie to me about anything. once i hear what you have to say, i would say thank you and decide what i want to do with that information. its as simple as that. don’t let this drag on. its for the better of you. i promise you that.
Not going to lie emails like this make me nervous. But Im not stopping to his level and responding. He doesn’t know me better than myself!
Lov10, he accosted you outside your workplace to do this? And, did you print out this email for “evidence?”
Holy cow…..this kind of predator can be dangerous, Lov10. File for a restraining order, at least, and present every text message, email, and voice message that you’ve received. Anyone who would show up at someone’s workplace to tell them something so sinister (MUST talk to you, in person, SOON) is bold and stupid.
GOOD FOR YOU that you haven’t responded. They just don’t “get it” when their former victims turn into survivors and walk away…..BE SAFE.
Brightest blessings
Wooohoooo! Lov10! good for you! I’m very proud of your ability to resist.
The email is sooo obviously manipulative. If you believe that, I’ll sell you my How-to-Get-Rich-By-Sleeping-All-Day bestseller, for the low, low price of $99.95! It’s worth at least TWICE that price, but because you’re special and I care so much about you, I’m giving you the 50% discount!
I know how tantalizing his sales pitch is because he SEEMS human. Doesn’t he? And furthermore, you are worried that he has something up his sleeve and you’d like to know what it is. But you know the truth: He wants to prove that he can MAKE your respond. That’s the bottom line, everything else is just gravy for him.
Like Joyce wrote in her last article, if you respond to this, he will be conditioned to keep pushing your buttons and you’ll never have peace. NC is the only road to peace.
Truthspeak- yes and everyone at my job knows about him so they came outside to see if I was ok- so he defitnetly knows people are looking out for me. He has no boundaries. I work far from where he and I live..he drove all the way to my job to tell me something- that he couldn’t tell me. Insane.
Skylar- thank you! This website along with your support and everyone else’s has truly helped me while getting through this. I don’t know how to say thank you. You made me actually lol! He totally knows that he took it so far with his outbursts saying something like this is the only ” rational ” thing to say in his twisted mind. He’s grasping at straws. Seeing him cycle like this is actually helping me emotionally detach from what I thought we once had. I just hope he gives up soon.
This is beyond stooping to levels issues, this could be about your physical safety. I once tried to talk somebody about meeting up with an ex. He had harrassed her with two insulting post cards, after which I told him he was in peril. I just meant of looking like a fool or getting into a bad situation, and obviously felt badly for the girl. Some time later he heard from her. She left a message saying she’d reconsidered things, wanted to talk. He played her message for me. I said it sounded insincere but maybe she always sounds like that. Independently of that, I believed it very unlikely that anything changed her mind anyway. I told him don’t go. I told him I thought she could be cooking up something like a public humiliation or trouble regardless.
I told him if he must call her, tell her why not talk now on the phone. I told him THE MORE SHE INSISTS THAT YOU MUST MEET, THE GREATER THE CHANCE THIS IS TROUBLE, SO THE MORE YOU MUST RESIST. This guy was slightly narcissistic, had a major ego, and was sort of hung up on this woman, so apparently entertained the chance that she could possibly mean this and ultimately got talked into meeting her in a diner. He entered, got slammed against the door and put in handcuffs. Spent the weekend in jail, and was charged with something serious. It took an expensive lawyer to work out dropped charges with a year’s restraining order.
It had been beyond my imagination that the police would bother with this. When I said he was in peril he asked if I thought he could get arrested, and sadly I responded I don’t think so. Because of how indifferent and useless the police had been when I had a case of aggravated harrassment to deal with (including physical threats on my answering machine).
During that case, my spathy ex had approached me to speak to me about my contacting the cops about the threatening messages, *said he wanted to talk*. I sat in the front seat of his car and he vaguely, conditionally threatened me that he might totally explode if I pressed charges on the woman who threatened me (his potential greencard, and baby mama). said he knew people (I was imagining middle eastern terrorist types), something could happen to me while he was at work.
Like an idiot amateur — and addicted — moron, I tried to get him to repeat these threats to me on a later drop-by occasion, me with a trusty “hidden” miniature recorder. I didn’t get anything significant. And then it fell out of my coat pocket. He saw it and laughed. Affectionately even.
That’s TWO warning stories. DON’T GO! Other people have come to far worse harm, even.
And if he comes back, at most give him 90 seconds to tell you what it is, in front of a video-recording smartphone. And tell him you’ll call the police if he comes a third time.
I suggest putting a copy of that e-mail in a file containing documentation.
I know mine was happy when I finally “gave up.” He was probably sighing with relief!