If you ever attempt to talk to sociopaths about their bad behavior, you’ll probably encounter the following: They’ll deny that they did anything wrong, attack you for bringing it up, and then claim that it’s all your fault and you should be apologizing to them. You’ll be shocked, but you shouldn’t be. Research shows that this is the typical abuser response to confrontation.
One researcher studied women who confronted people who had sexually abused them as children. What happened?
- 44% of the victims heard complete denials from their abusers
- 22% were accused of misunderstanding the abuser’s conduct
- 44% were told they were crazy
- 22% heard a partial admission of guilt, only to have it later retracted and transformed into denial, minimization or assertions of being misunderstood
What’s the effect of these denials and accusations? You become confused and doubt yourself. You’re less likely to disclose what happened to someone else. In fact, you may wonder if your experience happened at all.
Research into DARVO
A paper entitled Perpetrator response to victim confrontation: DARVO and victim self-blame documented this typical pattern of abuser behavior. The researchers described it as DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.
Professionals who work with domestic violence or sexual assault victims know that perpetrators frequently minimize or outright deny their actions, and then twist things around to portray themselves as the victims. But this study found the same patterns in less serious mistreatments and social transgressions, and among multiple types of relationships, such as between friends and family members.
The researchers conducted an online survey that was completed by 138 college undergraduates, including 33 men (23.9%) and 104 women (75.4%). First, the survey asked participants to describe a time in which they confronted someone who wronged them in some way. Then, they were asked if the perpetrator made statements that denied, attacked or reversed victim and offender. Here are some examples:
Deny
- “It wasn’t as bad as you’re making it sound.”
- “Nothing bad happened.”
- “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Attack
- “You’re just whining about it.”
- “You’re acting delusional.”
- “Everyone knows you’re dysfunctional anyway.”
Reverse Victim and Offender
- “I’m the real victim here.”
- “You should be apologizing to me.”
- “If you weren’t acting the way you were, this wouldn’t have ever happened.”
The survey results showed that 71.7% of respondents heard at least one phrase from all three components of DARVO — Deny, Attack, Reverse. Therefore, these strategies comprise a typical abuser response to confrontation.
Respondents were also asked about how they felt at the time of the confrontation, also when they took the survey. The researchers reported that, “individuals who were exposed to higher levels of DARVO during a confrontation also tended to report more feelings of self-blame around the time that the confrontation occurred.”
It’s what sociopaths do
Why is this research important? It means that you’re not crazy. Sociopaths are abusers and manipulators, and they use these strategies to evade responsibility for their behavior: They deny, attack and then play the victim.
Knowing this can help you. The researchers wrote:
Simply having an awareness of DARVO and its use by perpetrators may serve to mitigate some of the negative effects associated with DARVO, particularly the increased sense of self-blame in victims. For individuals who wish to confront their abusers, knowing about the occurrence of DARVO may better prepare them for the possibly undesirable and hostile response they might receive during the confrontation. Such preparation would equip victims with the knowledge that their abusers may try to simultaneously make the confronters feel responsible for the abuse, deny that any abuse happened, and employ personal attacks. Readying oneself for the possibility of being subject to these confusing and harmful responses may lessen DARVO’s impact and allow victims, rather than feeling disoriented after a confrontation, to make sense of their abuser’s reaction. In this way, being cognizant of DARVO may allow victims to thwart their abuser’s attempts to distort the victim’s own narrative of the abuse, thereby empowering victims of interpersonal violence who choose to confront their abusers.
In other words, this is what sociopaths do — it’s the typical abuser response to confrontation. So if they do it to you, know that they are the ones with the problem, not you.
Learn more: Start your recovery from emotional and psychological abuse
Psychopaths at work – everything you need to know in one breezy article