Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
We can begin by noting something that both narcissists and psychopaths share: a tendency to regard others as objects more than persons. Immediately this raises concerns: you don’t have to empathize with objects; objects don’t have feelings worth recognizing. You can toy with objects; manipulate and exploit them for your own gratification, with a paucity of guilt.
Welcome to the world of the narcissist and psychopath. Theirs is a mindset of immediate, demanded gratification, with a view of others as expected—indeed existing—to serve their agendas. Frustrate their agendas, and you can expect repercussions, ranging from the disruptive to ruinous.
Distinct explanations for their actions
The behaviors of narcissists and psychopaths can look very similar in their staggering disregard and abuse of others. Distinctions arise, however, in the explanation of their actions. The narcissist will crave recognition and validation. He will demand that others notice and appreciate his special qualities; his special qualities make his needs special, which leaves him feeling entitled to their satisfaction. He demands all this as if his inner self is at stake, and it is. Disappointment leaves him feeling unappreciated, neglected. Anger and rage then surface in aggressive and passive-aggressive displays, often in proportion to the hurt and vulnerability he can’t own.
The psychopath is less obsessed than the narcissist with validation. Indeed, his inner world seems to lack much of anything to validate: it is barren, with nothing in it that would even be responsive to validation. An emotional cipher, the psychopath’s exploitation of others is more predatory than the narcissist’s. For the psychopath, who may be paranoid, the world is something like a gigantic hunt, populated by personified-objects to be mined to his advantage.
Example: narcissists and psychopaths as cheaters
As an example, let’s take a hypothetical narcissist and psychopath: Both males (females can be narcissists and psychopaths), both married, with families; and both compulsively conducting extra-marital affairs. Both have managed to avoid exposure principally due to the ease and remarkable skill with which they routinely lie and dissemble. They are equally persuasive in declaiming their fidelity to their wives as they are at contriving their unmarried status to their mistresses. Nevertheless, from time to time, their wives may approach them with uneasy suspicions, to which they’ll respond not with accountability, but as with outrage to have to deign to address their wives’ anxieties. They will impugn their wives for raising doubts about them, leaving the latter feeling defensive, guilty, and perhaps ashamed.
Narcissist is insecure
To this point, there is little on the surface to distinguish them. But going deeper, we discover that our narcissist is actually terribly insecure and needy. For him, having affairs validates his masculinity. His seductive abilities reassure him of his manhood. If he can no longer seduce and sleep with women, he is nothing; he has “lost it.” Feeling his nothingness/worthlessness, he grows depressed, despairing. He might even feel like killing himself. To salvage his collapsing self-image, he needs an infusion of reassurance, sought in a new affair. In the narcissist’s world, the more his psychic welfare is threatened, the more hers is disposable.
The narcissist will rationalize his actions with his greatest defenses—blame and contempt: My wife has been nasty to me for a long time, and doesn’t remotely appreciate me anymore. She’s lucky all I do is cheat; I could leave her instead, with nothing. The fact that I’ve stayed is almost charitable. And these women I cheat with”¦sure, they all think I’m unmarried, and you know what, I basically am.
Our narcissist, as you see, has a dim notion of ethics; but his ethics are corrupted by alarming rationalizations. He is expert at furnishing these rationalizations seamlessly, leaving him as if with the untroubled conscience of the psychopath.
Psychopath plays a game
Our psychopath, meanwhile, has no ethics, and thus no need for rationalizations. He has affairs because he wants to. Life, for him, is a game. The game is about figuring out how to get what he wants now, by whatever stratagems necessary. And it’s a game without rules. Without rules, there is no violation, no exploitation; and even if there is, it’s part of the game. So our psychopath makes up the rules as he goes along, duping this individual and that, lying like a shameless child as he improvises his way in and out of his schemes, sometimes smoothly, sometimes not—but always heedless of, and absolutely indifferent to, the damage he causes.
The psychopath will sit back, reflecting on his infidelities, and laughing, think, “I’ve still got it.” He will mean, “I’ve still got the ability to maneuver these women like a puppeteer.” This will amuse him. The narcissist will sit back, and likewise think, “I’ve still got it.” But he will mean, “I’m still attractive. Women still find me irresistible. I’m okay, for now.”
Commonly, the psychopath is upheld as the incarnation of the murderous bogeyman. While it’s true that many cold-blooded killers are psychopaths, most psychopaths are not killers. The majority of psychopaths would find a messy murder too inconvenient and personally unpleasant a task to assume. This—the personal inconvenience and unpleasantness, not empathy for the slaughtered victim—explains why a great many more psychopaths than not, with chilling non-compunction, are more likely to target your life’s savings than butcher you, and dispose of your remains in several industrial-strength Hefty bags.
This doesn’t make the non-murderous psychopath “less psychopathic,” or “more sensitive” than the murderous psychopath; it merely reflects the calculus psychopaths apply in their decision-making: how can I get, or take what I want, for maximum instant gain, at minimum personal inconvenience?
I don’t know where to go from all of this”I am convinced I am in a relationship with a sociopath, narcissist, psychopath”and I tell him all the time even though he gets pissed”but my story is somewhat”not a lot different but different. My sociopath always tries to push me away. when we met I had just suffered a nervous breakdown and lenghthy separation from my now ex. he helped me and my son with bills and self-esteem but never touched me physically. He did however, dominate certAIN ASPECTS OF MY LIFE (I ALLOWED HIM TO) I was getting my Masters degree (he helped me get it too) but he took my raggedy truck from me pretending to get it fixed while sending drivers or letting me drive his vehicles then he pissed me off and i threatened him for not giving me my truck back after three months. he reported my vehicle abandoned then pretended that a neighbor did it and wouldn’t take me anywhere anymore. I got my own truck back just to show him fuck you. Mind you he would let me drive his expensive cars and trucks. I drove my raggedy truck around like it was his Benz. He owned many of the homes in our neighborhood and had lots of money and power and still does, so I was afraid for my life cause I threatened him so bad. Nobody talks to him like that, although I genuinely loved him and he never physically hurt me. but he stalked me somewhat. He divorced I moved and we fought for a year”only verbally”he cancelled me out of his life and my egotistical ass couldn’t handle the rejection. finally I received a large sum of money and called him back into my life”why or lord why? We have been very intimate and have a ball when we are together but he will not commit and has hit me up for over 10K and i am pissed. he found me a home that i paid cash for and will help me when he gets ready but he is such a scary psycho type that I don’t know how to break away. He says he will not penetrate me cause he wants us to stay friends and not complicate things by sex but we do everything else and he keeps hitting me up for money. I also have close ties with his children. Although he says we dont go together, I told him about an old beau who was helping my son get a job and the next thing i know the windows on my car were busted out twice”i rationalized it wasnt him cause he’s too money hungry to make me waste two deductibles but now I’m not so sure. He treats me indiffernetly when I am all over him and stalks me when I ignore him but that still doesn’t make him feel bad about lying or not keeping dates or business arrangements”It’s a viscious rollercoaster, especially because I really love him. He has Tourette Syndrome and I heard Bipolar disorder but I am bipolar and dont do dirty crap to people and Im honest and trustworthy. I don’t know who or what I am dealing with”I just want to feel safe in moving on. His friends and guys that work for him on houses etc. treat me like a queen and are afraid of him and jump when he says frog and are always amazed when I say we don’t go together”they say he loves the hell out of me but he wont tell me that nor make full love to me. He is a control freak and I bitch and fuss and cuss him out and tell him what a satan he is and he hardly ever verbally fusses at me, cause I would cry like a baby if he said some of the stuff to me that I say to him but only when he hurts my feelings, intelligence or acts indifferent about doing low-down shit to me. He is patient and nothing bothers him and I just dont know what to think”i know I have dependency issues but I do my thing(I have all my friends and family and am not isolated or any of that) but I never cheat on him and am loyal to only him and he knows that and I am afraid that if i leave that he will harm me or my family cause he is a gangster in our town. I cant even believe i am posting this because anyone knowing our story will know who this is. I left many details out but I really would like some feedback from everyone. He is very mannerable, we can talk about anything and we do”its scary though, he remembers every freaking thing I have ever said to him from 2004 til now. He does all kinds of wonderful things for people but expects things in return that you don’t see coming. He has more patience than a saint. I just know that he will con you into business deals and then keep lying that he is gonna come through and then not feel bad when he doesn’t. Player or sociopath or both. I love my house but not how he took my money and then didn’t complete all the work. I am not a meek receptor though”I go off and threaten and sometimes it works, other times he really hurts my feelings and leaves me hanging. he has this new crying wolf game that he has done 3 times in the last month”He’ll call and say he ran out of gas to see if i will come to his rescue and of course I always say yes but am pissed and then he says naw I’m just f’in with you but thank you. I’m pissed that I keep passing the test cause there have been some life events in my family that he hoed me on and I don’t ever know when he can be trusted but I am afraid to let go. Your thoughts?
Friday, 25 January 2008 @....... 7:33pm
my ex the s path i think after reading here is a part narcissist too. as when he get s rejected by one of the girls he is so heavily persuing he seems low and angry but its like hidden anger and he would act like tis not affecting him but you can tell it has. since we broke up nearly every time he gets rejected by a girl he calls me and wants to get together, and this could be after weeks maybe months of him not even calling me. then when we see each other if i agree to get together he will try to have sex with me almost every time this happens. its like he is trying to make himself feel better after they rejected him by having sex with me. strange way to act if your upset i would think the last thing on your mind would b e to have sex with someone else. sometimes in the begining i would go along with it cause i still had feelings for him but then i felt bad after we did it it wasnt like making love it was just sex he didnt say anything nice he didnt show any affection during or after. i felt like a prostitute without getting any money. i would like to know is it damaging to my mental health and well being for me to have had this sort of sex without emotion from him, is it bad for me. any of the doctors please i would like to know if you an answer or any one else reading for that matter. at the moment i feel lost at sea very lonely he isnt calling which should be good right but no one is calling. and i wonder if i am ever going to meet a decent nice man i feel attracted to so i can get on with my life, the slience is deafening at the moment. i think with him the attraction was so strong because he was trying so hard to pull me into him and make me want to be with him he must of been acting so much to make me feel this way. also now i find it is hard to compare the feelings i get when i meet other guys cause it feels like that strong pull or connection isnt there it is a totally different feeling. i guess no one and nothing stroked my ego as much as he did to make me fall like that. well im trying to be strong now but some days its all too much.
I’ve struggled with trying to determine whether my ex husband is a sociopath, a narcissist, or a sex addict for over a year now. Maybe he’s all of the above. I thought maybe if I shared my story…someone on here could help me understand.
He was 8 years my junior and had accomplished very little in his life. Drove an old beat up truck and wore ragged clothes. I, on the other hand, had just bought a new house, drove a new car and had been on my job over 20 years. He was so charming and sweet. He told me that he wanted to be somebody, said he was a good person and wanted others to respect him for who he was rather than looking down on him. He told me how beautiful I was and how much he wanted to be with me. I felt I could see inside him and that he had a good heart and deserved a chance. I helped him get a decent vehicle to drive, bought him new clothes and basically cleaned him up. He looked sharpe and we looked good together. He showered me with attention and told me how beautiful I was and how much he loved me all throughout the day every day for nearly 8 years.
There were red flags that popped up even before we were married a year. He made some flirty comments to a young girl who worked one of the fast foods in my neighborhood–it got back to me. I confronted him…he told me he was just aggravating her. He called his brother’s wife (whom he had had a brief romance with before any of us ever married each other) on the phone and told her that he was going to sneak over there when his brother was at work and they could basically pick back up where they’d left off. She told me. He discredited her and said that everyone knew how she was and that I shouldn’t pay her any mind. He made an inappropriate comment to a co-worker of mine during a time when I was serving as interim first in charge. I removed him from the property to avoid a sexual harassment mess. She was a very attractive young lesbian and he told me that she just “had a problem with men and that he was only trying to compliment her”. I also learned of an incident in which he was accused of inappropriate behavior with a child years before I met him. Then, I found 2 ladies’ phone numbers in his truck. He told me that he never called them and that he just got them to see if he could. When I confronted him about these incidences, each time he would break down and cry and ask me if I was going to divorce him, tell me that he made and mistake and was sorry. I’ve forgive but if I brought an incident up later…he’d get angry and tell me that I had to let it go. He continued to shower me with attention, affection and wanted sex daily. After awhile, I started to feel like an object to him rather than a person. Over time, he also stopped helping me out with household chores and would not seek steady employment. Most of the financial burden was on me. I was getting more and more stressed from taking care of both of us and trying to buy him things that he wanted–some small and some expensive. At times, I’d come home and he would burst into tears, ask me if I was having an affair and tell me that I no longer cared about him nor found him attractive. He’d say that he wasn’t good enough for me and that I was way out of his league and that he never dreamed that he could ever have a woman like me. I’d comfort him and tell him that I indeed still loved him very much but I needed some help because stress was taking a toll on me. I also entered menopause about the 4th year of our marriage and didn’t feel quite as sexy as I once did. I forced myself to have sex with him at any rate because I knew he expected it. I actually became quite the actress!When I would try to talk to him about the effects the hormone imbalance was having on me and explain to him that the docs would eventually get me balanced, he made it all about him by saying that I just wasn’t interested in him anymore. So, then I’d go overboard trying to show him that I was very much still interested in him and our marriage.
At any rate, one day out of the blue, he announced to me that he was unhappy and “had” to leave. I was totally shocked! Things seemed fine as far as his loving and wanting to be with me. I assumed it was another woman because I knew that he was too insecure and incapable of taking care of himself. He denied it, told me he loved me more than anything but had to prove to himself that he could make it on his own. I tried to reason with him and found myself reassuring him once again of his worth. I was heartbroken and devastated…his mind seemed made up and he seemed to take on a totally different personality. He was so changed, I honestly feared that he was sick. I couldn’t figure out how this had happened–things were fine only days before. He stayed 3 weeks after telling me that he had to leave because he said he had nowhere to go. During that three weeks, he still came to me for sex and I obliged…I was trying to save my marriage. Then, he’d say cold, heartless things to me. His face would go totally dark and he’d look at me with eyes of steel. He told me he didn’t see what the big f*ing deal was, we’d still be friends, he’d call me and maybe we could even hook up sometime. Then, he’d approach me telling me how much how beautiful I was and how much he loved me and how hard leaving me was going to be. However, he acted totally unconcerned that I was heartbroken. He’d turn the radio on and sing along to the songs and act as if nothing was happening. He laid down and slept like a baby while I stayed awake all night. I couldn’t force myself to eat and he had to see the weight falling off me. However, he seemed totally oblivious to any of it–almost like he was in a dream state. I finally learned that indeed it was another woman–29 years old–married–and with a good job. He had been seeing her for 3 weeks. I then told him that yes, he had to leave and had to leave then. I also told him that he came with nothing and that he’d leave with nothing. He left walking.
He went straight to the other woman. She left her husband. Before they had been together a full 2 months and before she had even filed for a divorce from her husband, my ex convinced her to finance a double wide to put on his mother’s property, buy him new clothes, and a jeep to drive. He had no credit history–she had to do it all. I was still very heartbroken wondering what I did that made him leave me when his friends started to come forward and tell me the things that he had done during our marriage. Basically, he had slept with other women throughout our entire marriage–not necessarily affairs–but with anyone he could. From 17 year olds to women who were over 60. All of of ill repute and one didn’t have a tooth in her head! I am an attractive, well liked and respected woman. I couldn’t comprehend how he could do these things and then come home to me and seemingly be the perfect loving husband and continue to have sex with me almost daily. His friends told me that he’d always been like this and that he had a problem and one even referred to him as a predator.
I’ve been through 2 failed marriages before and although they were difficult, I was never left feeling as though I had been violated and raped. After learning the things that he did during our marriage, his leaving me for another woman became the least of my concerns. I feel unclean and very foolish in that I could have allowed someone to mislead me this badly for as long as he did. Looking back, I can now see the fakeness in him. He was always “Mr. Nice Guy”. He refused to talk to me after he left and forced me to communicate the details about the divorce, etc. to his girlfriend through her myspace page. I actually feel sorry for her in that I strongly suspect that he’s doing the same things to her that he did to me. I knew the girl before and am old enough to be her mother. I tried to warn her but of course she thinks that I just want him back. She says she believes he is trying to change and that he loves her because of all the attention and affection he gives her. She says that he has admitted all the things he did during our marriage to her and says that I didn’t deserve any of it and his telling her the truth is why she stays with him. He didn’t reveal these things to her until I told her about them and she confronted him. Of course, he says he’d never do these things to her. So, I’m confused and still reeling somewhat trying to figure out what makes someone like this tick.
well reading this is like my story being replayed my ex s path was younger too but i am attractive he had nothing compared to all my other partners had achieved. but he layed all the love talk and compliments on so thick i fell hook line and sinker. like you he was always saying i love u im not good enough for you and when i caught him doing something bad or lying he too cried and begged me i cant lose you. things happened in the begining too he worked at the same place as me and the girls there had complaints about him too being inappropriate and flirting. i also think now there were other girls he was calling and poss seeing while i was out working. i became paranoid in the end and second guessed everything he told me i resorted to looking at his phone bills which did reveal somethings, but he was a master at this craft. in the end when things got really bad i too like was under massive stress and could not sleep while he slept like a babe all through the night he was plotting to leave me. he even told me aobut a week before he left that he loved me. i was depressed i too had been thru a broken marriage before this but not lik ethis break up it killed, i also lost weight and my mind was spinning trying to work out all the things he did while we were together and some of i did but a lot i still dont know what he did behind my back. also when we split he still clung on to me and wanted to see me a friends but for him tha t included sex and in my depressed state i went along with it wcih mad eme feel worse. it is two years now and i am trying to meet some one nice who i can trust he and i are still friends sort of but he still lies to me even now about stupid things hes had a few woman since me but nothing has worked out for him i also think he has few he just strings along for sex. he also seems to prefer the younger girls now i think easier to con for him. you will never work it out and prob go mad tryin to like me and everyone else on here. it i slike doctor jekyl and mister hyde so different to how he used to be when he was trying to get me first off. the best thing is i now know how his mind works and it makes it easier to handle any contact with him and protect myself. i did really love him. but the best thing you can do is know that there brain doesnt work right and they are in a sense disabled emotionaly i have recently learned this thru reading on here and other books and it is helping me to know its not me its his ill brain not working and it nevr will no matter who he thinks he is with that will change it it wont. now i am spending time on me and my life and getting what i want . i do feel for you they seem to even use th same words and behaviour in lot of these stories ive read so how can they all be the same because they are all ill . my ad vice is just focus on you and your life.
Tami Newman,
Ooh boy, can I ever relate to your story. In my case, and only because of some wild flukes, I figured out my socio husband’s plans before he actually left me for another woman. Otherwise he would have abandoned me and our daughter, under false pretenses, without any warning whatsoever. Most likely he would have said he needed some time alone, and then never come back (like he did to the woman before me).
He had already arranged for a place to stay. Not with the other woman. Not yet. She was still going through a divorce from a spouse she had also been lying to for years. (I met the other woman–“K” I’ll call her–and she told me how her husband was insanely jealous, psychotic, how he was stalking everyone she talked to, how he scoured phone records; she must have had a cell phone he didn’t know about or he would have seen the hundreds of phone calls she made to my husband.) Plus her husband, having heard “the rumor,” had threatened to kill my husband if he ended up with K, so my husband and K had to angle things just right.
No, he was going to move in with her best “friend”–“D,” a woman he and K had both worked with (he still does)–who lives only 30 minutes from K, and whose house I don’t doubt he and K often rendezvoused at–that is, when they weren’t at my house. (I found evidence of K being at my house on two different occasions, but my husband–like any good sociopath–was able to come up with plausible, if highly unlikely, explanations, which was helped along by my willingness (banging head here) to dismiss those discrepancies as unexplained mysteries of life.)
But by the time my husband finally moved out (almost a month after he had originally planned to), he was no longer welcome at D’s because, three weeks earlier, I freaked her out.
What happened is my husband had to go to the ER with an injured knee, I accompanied him and, by glorious coincidence, D ended up being his nurse.
When my husband and I walked up to the nurses’ station, even though I’d never met D before, I knew right away who she was. Middle-aged, buff, Farrah-Fawcett smile. My husband had described her to me after revealing how she would often take phone calls from K and then transfer them to him so that other employees–who would have recognized K’s voice since she worked there until pressured by her husband to quit–wouldn’t know the real reason she was calling–a scheme my husband admitted to while trying to wiggle out of one of my more probing questions.
While my husband spoke with the other nurses, I simply stared at D. No expression on my face. Just stood there silently staring. She flitted about nervously behind the desk and kept her head down. Three times she glanced up at me and each time looked right back down.
Then, when my husband introduced us I said I’d heard a lot about her. “Uh oh, no bueno,” she mumbled to herself as she led my husband to his bed. An hour later she asked me: “So…what has [socio husband] told you about me?”
I just shrugged my shoulders and hummed a wordless I don’t know.
So that was another plan dashed for my husband. Ultimately he ended up moving in with some guy and is trying desperately to figure out how to make it look like the end of our marriage isn’t his fault. He tells everyone who will listen that he loves me and wants to come home. He’s gone to counseling, he’s going to AA. Look everybody! See how hard I’m trying; I really want to go home, but Gilly won’t let me (sniff sniff).
His machinations are crazy. Of course he and K are still seeing each other. Plotting their next move, no doubt. Plus he’s scamming on women he meets in AA. He goes to meetings in different cities, so this one won’t know about that one and that one won’t know about this one. He is such a predator. I knew his voicemail password (up until telling him a few weeks ago), so I heard a couple incriminating messages he had not deleted. Later I told him and was that a shockeroo. He sat there stunned for about five minutes. Then he demanded to know what I’d heard. I didn’t tell him because I knew whatever I’d say he’d deny it. I could have him on videotape and he would still deny it. He would say I had the videotape doctored. I could have an eye-witness and he’d come up with something. He always does. He thinks the truth is whatever he can make people believe, or whatever he believes he’s made people believe, or at the very least the last thing he said.
In addition to all that, since he left, he’s pressured me to have sex and, though I’m ashamed to admit it, I relented a couple of times. I know I was still somewhat in denial. I couldn’t handle reality; I was hoping for a miracle, hoping he could come home and be the man I always thought he was. I was heart-broken. Plus, I still couldn’t quite grasp that anyone so sincere sounding could be so full of shit!
One of my best friends (who was once married to a psychopath) told me that I was like a rubber band. My husband would pull me back, back, say he loved me, he was sorry, he couldn’t live without me. He’d stretch me back so far, totally pull me in, and then wham, he’d release me, sending me flying off into space.
In a way, I knew what was happening. I knew it was hopeless. But I wasn’t ready to let go of the dream. I had loved him for so long. I thought he loved me. I can remember a couple of times he called me and just before answering the phone I whispered, “Please lie to me some more.”
I wasn’t yet ready to handle the truth.
Now I’m doing much better. I’ve reached a point where although I grieve for what I’ve lost–my dreams and the past and the future I thought I had–I realize I am better off without him, that I can find happiness, that I can survive, and that, finally, I have absolutely no reason to be jealous of K. She’s actually getting just what she deserves and she’ll be sorry soon enough.
Thank you so much for your responses. I will say that I am glad that he has never tried to come back and that he was never violent. Does one have to be physically violent to be a sociopath? However, I do believe that if the younger woman hadn’t been such easy prey and willing to dash out of her marriage so quickly and open her purse up to him that more than likely he would have tried to come back. At the time, he had no other options–it was either me or her. Bless her heart, and she thinks SHE’S the winner! And, one thing that I know for certain about him is that he will NEVER be alone–it seems that he just can’t. A few days after he left, they went for a weekend getaway–took pictures and plastered them all over their myspace pages as well as mushy public comments. His leaving was devastating enough and he knew how hurt I was…it was almost as though he wanted to see just how badly he could hurt me–why–I have no idea. And, the craziest thing of all was that they somehow convinced her parents to allow them to live with them although they were both still married to their spouses and divorces hadn’t even been filed at the time! It just amazed me that a 39 year old man would actually live with a woman’s parents whom he didn’t know from Adam! He must have really laid some heavy charm on them! I can just hear him now telling them how he loves their daughter more than anything in the world and would never do anything to hurt her! That’s how he operates–always wants to be Mr. Nice Guy.
As of tomorrow the divorce will be final a year. I have good days and bad days. I’ve learned not to expect any compassion from my friends in regard to my marriage and divorce from him. I don’t think they understood that this was NOT the typical divorce. Within a month after he’d left, my friends and family were telling me to get over it and move on. I honestly thought that I was the crazy one in that I kept allowing it to eat at me so badly. I finally found the understanding I needed to begin my healing through a family counselor. It was he who told me that he felt my ex is a sociopath. He also explained to me that those people with the “get over it” attitude had never been involved with one or they’d understand fully how I felt. He explained that there is a huge difference between being a jilted lover and the “victim” of a sociopath.
At one point, I became determined to save the girl that he left me for–she’s so very young and after I learned all that I had learned about the horrible things that he did throughout our entire marriage and that he had conducted himself in the same manner in all previous relationships–I almost felt as though it somehow was my duty to inform her. He didn’t even try to deny that he had done these horrible things and told her that I was a good person and didn’t deserve these things and that he was really sorry for what he did to me! Poor girl! She really ate that one up! She told me that she believed that the was trying to change because he said that he REALLY loved her and because he has been truthful with her. Am on right on target in seeing this as his way of continuing to play Mr. Nice Guy by not saying anything bad about me, admitting that he did indeed do these things to me and other women before me while at the same time convincing her that she’s that special one that he’s been waiting for all his life? He’s 40 years old now! I’ve tried to tell her that he told me the same thing! As I’m sure he told all the others before me. I reminded HER that his apology to her for what he did to ME was just another tactic to convince her that he is a changed man. If he was truely sorry, he’d apologize to me but he never will because he doesn’t need me for anything now that she’s providing him with what he wants. If she’d stop, she’d get a taste of just who he really is. But like I once did, she feels sorry for him and loves him because of all the attention he showers her with and the worthless words that come out of his mouth. She doesn’t stand a chance up against him and of course, believes that I’m the interfering ex that just wants my husband back! I wish she could crawl inside my brain for 5 seconds! I’ve stopped talking to her completely. It wasn’t healthy and it was very frustrating! I suspect that my revelations about him were only helping him become better at what he does at any rate. I also have a strong suspicion that he just may have met his match in this little gal. She continues to talk to her ex husband on the phone and declares that they made a pack to stay friends. She openly flirts with other men in an attempt to make my ex jealous–very immature high school behavior. She reminds my ex that if he screws up that she has a long string of men “just dying” to take her out. She’s hasn’t a clue that she’s spinning her own web and it will be these things that he’ll use against her someday once he’s identified his next victim and used her up financially and sexually. Am I on target here?
You are absolutely on target. The problem is people don’t know what Sociopaths are. And once a person is showered with that romance and over the top affection, there is nothing you can say that will get through to them.
I wonder if you talked to her parents, if that would help? I mean you don’t want him back and he didn’t run off with your money so what would be your motivation?
I might say something like this, “If you love your daughter, you might want to educate yourself about Sociopaths. I believe Mr. Nice Guy is one. He sure had me fooled.” I think the only thing we can do is put the idea and the word “sociopath” in their head. Then when they get that strange feeling, they might start on their journey and figure it all out.
And this: “there is a huge difference between being a jilted lover and the “victim” of a sociopath” Thank you for that!!! This could not be more true. Being a victim of a Sociopath is not something you just walk away from. I think it is because of the way they appeal to our innermost desires, our most sacred dreams, and we give them access to our hearts… and then they betray us in a way that is so clever… it’s like a movie with a twist that you didn’t see coming… or like seeing something so horrific that you never could have imagined and wishing that you hadn’t seen it because now it is forever in your psyche… that is why we can’t just “get over it.” We can get over it, but not in the way that people would like us to.
Just saved a friend from a potential ‘hitman’. She was dating on the internet, and I was telling her my story, and the guy was very charming to begin with and then turned nasty, so she read my ‘red flags’ and ditched him. There was a story this week in the Daily Mail a UK paper, talking about a woman of 63 who was robbed through love from a man who pretended to love her, but he had a partner, he stole £100,000 from her, persuading her to buy land and property in Jamaica. The headline said ‘How could I have been so stupid’. There was no mention of lovefraud, or of him being a predator, and women of 50 and over are particularly vulnerable to being ‘had’ and seduced, especially as older women have more assets and available monies. I would like to see more publicity around this in the UK. I have seen many articles that describe but do not categorise narcissist/sociopath behaviour, so it is still unidentified as such. The problem is that once these women have been robbed, there is no mention of them getting their money back. People go to court for miniscule sums of money than this.
i think my x-roommate was a narcissist. in some ways he reminded me of my dad and x-boyfriend who are both sociopaths (i believe).
i think that sociopaths in a lot of ways are pretty socially inept. their facade works but they also fail massively. i think they can disregard caring about what other people think of them. but my x-roommate cared all the time. his major was PR because it helped him with socialization. he would throw tantrums if he didn’t impress people how he wanted to. and immediately he would lie in order to build up a facade. sociopaths do that to but his facade was based on bragging.
Here I am again! I guess I’m still trying to “make sure” that I’m not wrong about my ex being a sociopath. I’m wondering if this is a typical sociopath trait: my ex would NEVER be the bad guy. If he had a perfectly leggit complaint or concern that he voiced to a friend, relative, or even a co-worker in regard to themselves–he told them that I was behind the complaint. He once asked for a raise and told his boss that his wife (I) would not allow him to work for the wages he was currently receiving! I could have died from embarassment! If he had a complaint with a neighbor–he’d tell the neighbor that I had the problem with them. Is this something that socio’s typically do? Also, he was described by many as being “too damn” nice. I keep hearing a lot about socio’s and aggression or violence. I guess one could say that he was passive aggressive but mainly when it came to me. He was mostly very passive but a few times when he became verbally aggressive, it certainly was a drastic change. Basically, it was like he went overboard in trying to impress other people. Is this what they do?