Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
We can begin by noting something that both narcissists and psychopaths share: a tendency to regard others as objects more than persons. Immediately this raises concerns: you don’t have to empathize with objects; objects don’t have feelings worth recognizing. You can toy with objects; manipulate and exploit them for your own gratification, with a paucity of guilt.
Welcome to the world of the narcissist and psychopath. Theirs is a mindset of immediate, demanded gratification, with a view of others as expected—indeed existing—to serve their agendas. Frustrate their agendas, and you can expect repercussions, ranging from the disruptive to ruinous.
Distinct explanations for their actions
The behaviors of narcissists and psychopaths can look very similar in their staggering disregard and abuse of others. Distinctions arise, however, in the explanation of their actions. The narcissist will crave recognition and validation. He will demand that others notice and appreciate his special qualities; his special qualities make his needs special, which leaves him feeling entitled to their satisfaction. He demands all this as if his inner self is at stake, and it is. Disappointment leaves him feeling unappreciated, neglected. Anger and rage then surface in aggressive and passive-aggressive displays, often in proportion to the hurt and vulnerability he can’t own.
The psychopath is less obsessed than the narcissist with validation. Indeed, his inner world seems to lack much of anything to validate: it is barren, with nothing in it that would even be responsive to validation. An emotional cipher, the psychopath’s exploitation of others is more predatory than the narcissist’s. For the psychopath, who may be paranoid, the world is something like a gigantic hunt, populated by personified-objects to be mined to his advantage.
Example: narcissists and psychopaths as cheaters
As an example, let’s take a hypothetical narcissist and psychopath: Both males (females can be narcissists and psychopaths), both married, with families; and both compulsively conducting extra-marital affairs. Both have managed to avoid exposure principally due to the ease and remarkable skill with which they routinely lie and dissemble. They are equally persuasive in declaiming their fidelity to their wives as they are at contriving their unmarried status to their mistresses. Nevertheless, from time to time, their wives may approach them with uneasy suspicions, to which they’ll respond not with accountability, but as with outrage to have to deign to address their wives’ anxieties. They will impugn their wives for raising doubts about them, leaving the latter feeling defensive, guilty, and perhaps ashamed.
Narcissist is insecure
To this point, there is little on the surface to distinguish them. But going deeper, we discover that our narcissist is actually terribly insecure and needy. For him, having affairs validates his masculinity. His seductive abilities reassure him of his manhood. If he can no longer seduce and sleep with women, he is nothing; he has “lost it.” Feeling his nothingness/worthlessness, he grows depressed, despairing. He might even feel like killing himself. To salvage his collapsing self-image, he needs an infusion of reassurance, sought in a new affair. In the narcissist’s world, the more his psychic welfare is threatened, the more hers is disposable.
The narcissist will rationalize his actions with his greatest defenses—blame and contempt: My wife has been nasty to me for a long time, and doesn’t remotely appreciate me anymore. She’s lucky all I do is cheat; I could leave her instead, with nothing. The fact that I’ve stayed is almost charitable. And these women I cheat with”¦sure, they all think I’m unmarried, and you know what, I basically am.
Our narcissist, as you see, has a dim notion of ethics; but his ethics are corrupted by alarming rationalizations. He is expert at furnishing these rationalizations seamlessly, leaving him as if with the untroubled conscience of the psychopath.
Psychopath plays a game
Our psychopath, meanwhile, has no ethics, and thus no need for rationalizations. He has affairs because he wants to. Life, for him, is a game. The game is about figuring out how to get what he wants now, by whatever stratagems necessary. And it’s a game without rules. Without rules, there is no violation, no exploitation; and even if there is, it’s part of the game. So our psychopath makes up the rules as he goes along, duping this individual and that, lying like a shameless child as he improvises his way in and out of his schemes, sometimes smoothly, sometimes not—but always heedless of, and absolutely indifferent to, the damage he causes.
The psychopath will sit back, reflecting on his infidelities, and laughing, think, “I’ve still got it.” He will mean, “I’ve still got the ability to maneuver these women like a puppeteer.” This will amuse him. The narcissist will sit back, and likewise think, “I’ve still got it.” But he will mean, “I’m still attractive. Women still find me irresistible. I’m okay, for now.”
Commonly, the psychopath is upheld as the incarnation of the murderous bogeyman. While it’s true that many cold-blooded killers are psychopaths, most psychopaths are not killers. The majority of psychopaths would find a messy murder too inconvenient and personally unpleasant a task to assume. This—the personal inconvenience and unpleasantness, not empathy for the slaughtered victim—explains why a great many more psychopaths than not, with chilling non-compunction, are more likely to target your life’s savings than butcher you, and dispose of your remains in several industrial-strength Hefty bags.
This doesn’t make the non-murderous psychopath “less psychopathic,” or “more sensitive” than the murderous psychopath; it merely reflects the calculus psychopaths apply in their decision-making: how can I get, or take what I want, for maximum instant gain, at minimum personal inconvenience?
Oh! I think NO CONTACT IS the easiest answer (but I am lucky that I don’t have children with this man.) It’s the easiest because it means the game is over and you can reclaim your thoughts and let the fog lift and breathe again.
They are so good an sucking you down an emotional bottomless pit, a black hole.
But I do feel for all of you that have children with their Sociopath… and I do feel for his ex-wife because she has 5. Blessings to you K, if you ever do see this. I would do anything to help you.
Aloha…
psychopath vs narcissist
My narcissist did indeed need recognition and validation. But would never give that to her children or myself or anyone for that fact. I remember once, she walked thru our apartment, yelling at nobody in particular “YOU GUY’S WOULDN’T LIVE WITHOUT ME!!!!”. I of course just told her, “yes, we could” and we are today.
About psychopathic or narcissistic tenancies, In my NPD, I see many psychopathic tenancies but “hope” she isn’t. Being NPD is bad enough, I really wouldn’t like “raising the bar” on this issue.. Anyway, I just thank God she is gone and my children (her as well) are getting back to some kind of normalize in there life.
Thanks aloha.,.just went through a crisis when I heard he was with somone else and of course I started the whole self blame…iunfact the signs were always there, I just refused to see them…I now pay more attention to my intution, learning to trust myself more than others and appreciating my wonderful friends and family…irrespective of the hurt, he left me with a great appreciation of the people around me and the little things people do for us , the questions they ask us…just those little acts of caring that I didnt even realised I crave..all I can say is that I went through years of depression and didnt even know what was wrong with me..I had gone through having several test done with diferent specialist and apparently all my issues were due to stress….hmmm… I breathe lighter but I am yet to laugh so freely again..I was the most carefree person before I met him, people also wondered what mad eme so happy and joyous all the time and now I am this gloomy person who cant even enjoy the beautiful weather we have had this winter!
I need to remind myself often that I AM better off
without this person in my life and this blog helps in that regard as well as daily calls to my family and friends
I am thankful to this person for several things
-He made me realize my Capacity to love
-He made me appreciate all the little things my friends and family do for me
-He helped me connect at a deeper emotional level with some friends and my mother
– He thought me who my friends are and who I can depend on in my time of need
-And most important he thought me to set up boundaries and to begin loving myself enough not to let others take precedence above me..because how else can you love if you cannot love yourself.
-And knowing that some people lack empathy, I am glad I have it although I have to learn to translate some it to sympathy
I also know that even if he is not as sick as I think, he made me feel worthless enough to question my own mind and intuition and therefore I need to learn to trust my intuition a lot more because God gave it to me for a very very good reason. There is a time for everything and instead of letting God take the wheel , I wanted to control the vehicle of life by myself no matter how many warning and signs I was given along the way. I pray constantly that the lesson has sunk in finally and I hope you will get there one day and very very soon..I still struggle, but I have to keep going and believe in the power of prayer”call a prayer line if he cant handle it , they will help you pray
My father: Narcissist
My Ex: Psycopath
As a child, I knew my father was a difficult person. I was never comfortable around him, because he always finds a fault in me and criticizes me. I escaped home when I was 18 but my siblings stayed. As a result, two of them now have Schizophrenia. I also had psychological damage, but I thought I worked very hard to fix myself. Recently, I realized my long-term boyfriend (now ex) was a psycopath. I asked my therapist why I was attracted to this man and why I stayed in this relationship for a long time. He told me that my ex know enough that I was too passive and I would not stand up for myself. So, he targeted on me. My father visited me a week ago. After learning about personality disorders, it became very clear to me that my father has the traits of a narcissist, which my therapist agrees. I was so used to his mental abuse. He wanted to be superior to anyone including his kids. He devalued us to make himself feel better. My mother used to tell us to accept him as he was because he was our father. As a kid, I did not learn to stand up against mental abuse. My father always wanted to tell us how great he was. He needed validation and recognition from us, which he never gave us. On the other hand, my ex was very content and confident in himself. However they both used people very close to them to achieve their goals.
Chaos- My father is a narcissist
My Ex-Husband a narcissist
Next involvement a sociopath who is now an ex
I understand about your upbringing. I had a similar one. My father was always wanting the role as supreme, king, the great one. Always putting down and commenting on all others around him. Especially his wife and kids. My mother did leave him but the damage was instilled in me and my two sisters. One who is 39 and never had a serious relationship, another who is 37 and married but struggles with therapy and meds to get her through. Me, I am 40 and am NOW seeing what “this” all is.
Really, as much as it HURTS SO BAD, we should be glad that we have come to this point of understanding. It is so hard for me. I am trying because I do want true happiness. I do want a BETTER example and life for my children. When you have the daggers of father, ex-husband and the stab from a recent ex relationship it makes for a steamy hot lava of emotions to deal with.
My biological father (he did not raise me, I got to know him as an adult) was definitely a malignant narcissist, but also a psychopath.
I have boxes of news and magazine articles where he was interviewed, that are filed with lies (very often contradictory ones) and self agrandizement. He viewed himself as “the smartest man in the world” and held all other people in contempt.
He had no conscience and no empathy and was easily violent. He used people like toilet paper, using, abusing and discarding them.
He was married 7 times and never was faithful to any of them. His 4th wife he hit so hard on the back of the head that he blacked both her eyes. She fled for her life, leaving behind her three children.
I know of two murders that he committed, but due to his position and money, he got away with them both. He actually claimed to have killed many more, but I am not sure if that was a lie or not. He told more lies than truth, so it is hard to say.
His mother died before I was born so I never got to know her, but from the stories about her that I have heard, I can say that I think she was at least a Narcissist. Her father was a bigamist (also a minister) and that is about all I know about him, but there is a family pattern there for sure.
Two of my 3 half sibs turned out to be “good people” and to lead normal lives even though they were brought up by this monster. The youngest son I believe also to be a psychopath. He totally admires his father, and emulates him in many ways.
My bio-father was filled with hate, contempt for others, violent rage at any person who questioned or defied him. If someone would not bend to his will, and literally worship at his altar, he would “smear” them with the most vile lies imaginable.
The more you defied him, the greater the smear, both verbally, and in print. He eventually became very wealthy and well known in his field, and there are people that think he was simply “eccentric” but he used to say that “poor people are crazy and rich eccentric”–money is the ultimate “power” and he used it as a weapon on those he hated.
I contrast the way my bio-father died, though, with the death of my wonderful step father, who was a former teacher, and whose death bed was surrounded by about 30 people who all loved him dearly, even his hospice nurse who was off that night, came on her own time (even though another nurse had been sent by the hospice) to “be there” for him, with the way my bio-father died, with only his one adoring son beside him.
My step-father was a selfless and humble man who lifted others up, out of poverty and ignorance. He was a true Christian man with a faith so powerful that it inspired others to be like him. I credit him with every good thing in my soul to this day. His strength and love for a child he adopted was a wonderful gift to me. If my mother never did anything good for me except to marry my step father, it was definitely a life saver for me.
oxdrover, that contrast tells us what we forgot after being with a P/S/N. even though we have all been very unlucky in to personally know S/P/Ns, at least we are lucky NOT to BE S/P/Ns. we can have real lives and genuine loving connections to other people.
i found this link ‘how to spot a narcissist.’ it is an almost perfect description of my x-roommate. you have to scroll down. http://www.drirene.com/spot_abuser_date.htm
Gennyrabbit,
You are so right, I would rather fight one than to BE one. Thanks for the link–I am so glad that there are SO many good sites on this DV situation, and was readiing an article in a medical professional journal yesterday about screening for domestic violence in family medical practice.
The Joint Commission on Accrediation of Healthcare Organizations (JCAHO) requires that all patients be screened for domestic violence. Unfortunately not all medical practitioners do so…back in the days when I was in family practice in rural health care (I am a now-retired Registered Nurse Practitioner) I found that many patients had DV issues.
The article I read said that 25% of all women will experience DV at some time. It said that in spite of the JCAHO recommendation only 10% of primary-care practitioners routinely screen for this during regular office visits.
In practice, too, I think some people who ARE abused don’t recognize that what they are experiencing IS abuse as long as it doesn’t involve overt beating. I think many women feel “unhappy” with their marriage, or that their husband is “insensitive” or “nasty tempered” but don’t realize that it is ABUSE or know exactly what the “problem” is, much less how to fix it.
I had a foster kid once, high school age. His mother was/is a co-dependent enabler, his father was a P if ever there was one. This young man eventually SEEMED to be doing okay and would keep in contact with me periodicly just to call and talk. A couple of years ago he, WITHOUT ANY WARNING, committed suicide.
I realize that our schools struggle to even teach “readin’, ritin’ and ‘rithmatic” to our kids, but to me, I think positive personal interactions and mental health should be taught as well. I am glad to see that “bullying” is being addressed in some of the schools. I do living history programs for some middle schools, and I have noticed the signs up about “bullyiing” which is addressed more now by the schools.
When I went to school, I went to small rural schools that had a more “personal” knowledge of what was going on with the kids and also most of the teachers actually knew the parents and such of each student. However, as a second grader, I was physically bullied by another student who was older and bigger than I was. She would hit me each day to the point that I got afraid to go to school, and yet, I never told, until one day she eventually broke my jaw with a coke bottle, and it became apparent something had happened.
An immediate stop was put to the bullying by this girl, who was the youngest of 22 kids from the same family, and I imagine that she was bullied at home and in her frustration came to school and “picked on” the youngest and smallest kid in her class. The fact that for whatever reason I kept this some “deep dark secret’ even from my step father who was a teacher in the same school system is still a mystery to me. Was it the thing we were told about being a “tattle tale”?
When my kids were growing up I tried to instill the differnces in being a “tattle tale” and “telling”—that saying “Johnny called me a doo doo” is being a tattle tale, but saying “Johnny is setting the house on fire” is TELLING which is good. Even at young ages they seemed to grasp the concepts of the differences in the two.
I am a danish woman, in the mid-forties. I would like to hear some comments on my story, since I’m not sure what to make of it all. Is my ex a sociopath, a narcissist or simply a good guy, who has difficulties when it comes to relating closely to a woman?
During September 2007 I was contacted on a datingsite by a man, who is six years older than me. We had similar educational backgrounds and therefore common interests: Literature and language. Besides I was in a proces of recovering from a serious earinfection, and it turned out that he had had similar problems but in his case he had gone deaf on his right ear. We exchanged photos, and immediately I thought: Oh dear, I’m not pretty enough to match him. (Usually I have been considered both pretty, charming and intelligent, however.)
Well, a few weeks later, after several phonecalls and deep conversations, we met at a café, and we spent the next 36 hours together in my hometown. He was very handsome, polite, interesting to talk to, and at the same time he seemed timid and shy, which I liked immensely.
I was the one who caressed him first, and later during those first hours he made love to me. (Apparently he did not want anything for himself. It was not untill the next day that we made love to eachother, and it turned out, that he seemed to have a small problem which I thought had something to do with his age or anxiety or whatever.)
A few weeks later I went to visit him in at his place in a remote area far from my own locations. He lived in a small house surroundede by beautiful nature. We talked by the fireplace, we went on long walks, and we prepared good meals at his house.
In his melodic voice he told me about this place, where he had also grown up as the youngest of three children. He told me that both of his parents had died. He told me that he had been teaching literature in Austin some years earlier. Concerning prior relationships he told me that he had lived with an alchoholic and had finally ended it some years ago. He also told me that he had known a girl who had committed suicide – probably due to some traumatic events in her past.
I myself had been in two abusive relationships, one with a violent psychopath (named so by a therapist I consulted then) and later I had been stalked by an ex. So it seemed we had both had our part of hardship.
After we had seen eachother maybe three times and also spoken about fidelity, which we both seemed to agree upon as essential to a good relationship, I suggested that we closed our profiles on the datingsite.
He denied that rather fiercely I thought, telling me in a mail, that he could not take such expectations of feelings and that he was writing with old friends on that site. I felt cold inside but I backed off, telling myself that perhaps I was moving too fast. I decided, however, that I would not close my profile since he didn’t close his.
During the following months we visited eachother from time to time and spoke a lot on the phone. He usually called me. I felt more and more confident that this was for real, eventhough he seemed a bit reluctant when I sometimes spoke about dreams for the future. Once he said to me, that he was afraid of loosing himself in a relationship, so he dared not move in with anyone. We did however have a common dream, it seemed, about starting our own company. For a while he seemed very interested in this idea and told me that he had been speaking to his friends and relatives about it.
He was not at all eager to meet my family. Evenually, after about four months, he met my son on one occasion and claimed to like him a lot, and later he met my mother, whom he called nice. But I know he was bored, when she reached for the familyphotos and showed them to him.
I used to come visit at his place also during his workdays, and one afternoon a woman called on the phone. At first when I picked it up and stated my name, nobody spoke, but as I kept asking who was there, she finally told me her name and asked for my firend (now ex). I told her I’d leave him a message and I did. When I told him he said: “Oh yes, that is an old girlfriend”, but he did not want to call her. Later that evening he accidently called me by her name.
I did not have any plans for christmas but he was planning to attend a family dinner at his sister. At the last moment he changed this plan and invited me to his house. A long time beforehand I had sought out presents for him, but it turned out that he had bought no gifts at all. So the day before christmas we went to town and he bought some things for his family and for me. In the evening he wrapped them in paper and the disappoinment of him not trying to surprise me was to some extend relieved because he had put small sweet notes on each present for me. We did have a lovely evening all dressed up and eating a good meal. He always complimented my looks and my coocking and was always attentative to my immediate needs bringing me coffee, buying whatever food he knew I liked etc.
A few days after christmas we were invited to lunch at his sister and I finally met her, her husband, her daughter and son in law and their two little boys. My ex who has no children of his own was a darling with those kids and I was so happy watching him with them. His family was very nicew to me, but already then I thought that they looked at me with an expression of sadness or concern in their faces. Well, I thought, perhaps they are trying to figure out what kind of a person I am.
Around christmas my ex had some trouble in relation to his job. He told me that the headmaster of the school where he’s teaching wanted to find some kind of solution because some students had complained about his hearingproblem. He seemed truely sad and frightened about it, and I supported him as best I could. In the end, however, nothing much came out of it, and I know that for this coming semester he is sceduled to have even more hours. (Strange, isn’t it?)
Well, we also spent New Years Eve together, and then I went back to my apartment.
In the middle of january, after having made love to eachother and having been very open to one another, as I felt it, my ex suggested that I should try to find a job in his neighbourhood, since I was looking for a job anyway. I was very happy that he asked me that, and a few days later I called to tell him that I would now apply for three jobs there. Suddenly he went silent for several seconds. When I asked him what was wrong he said: “It’s a bit close, isn’t it?” I backed off, I even appologized that I must have misunderstood his intentions and I should have known that he’d just been joking about it. After that conversation my ex went “missing” for three days. I could not reach him and he did not contact me. I worried, because I knew that he often worked alone in the woods surrounding his house, and that he was working with both a chainsaw and some other heavy and potentially damaging tools. (We used to work together cutting down trees and preaparing wood for the fireplace.)
On the thirth day he called me. He sounded very happy and he told me that he’d been ill in bed and had not wanted to get to the phone, but that same day he had gone with his sister to an art exhibition and had just returned. I was relieved that nothing had happened to him, and I told him so. But during my next visit he showed me all the work he’d been doing with chopping up wood “last week when I had a few days off work”. I wondered about that. Wasn’t he sick in bed? But I told myself I must be mistaken og perhaps he’d just needed to be himself for a few days. It did, however, leave me worrying about little things.
He was always extremely kind to me. He did not buy me roses or champagne, but he took good care of me, he held me in his arms during the night and he always seemed happy to see me.
But after he’d been “missing” in january he started pushing me away, whenever I tried to touch him in an erotic manner. He said that it tickled, and I told him, smiling, that it was supposed to. I bought new clothes, I tried my best seductive strategies, but he did not respond. For some months he would not even let me into his arms, when we were sleeping together. I felt so rejected and worried a lot. I thought that perhaps he was impotent and could not bring himself around to tell me. Eventually I discovered that he was watching porn on the Internet. I did not tell him at first.
He did continue to kiss me and hook me when not in bed, and he used to invite me to sit with my feet on his lap, while we were watching a movie. He’d coress my feet very tenderly, but on two occasions he suddenly held a cigarette close to my feet, and when I pulled back he lokked at me with an expression as if he’d just fallen off the moon. He would then say that he was only teasing me. I found this kind of fun rather strange but I told myself that okay, he had been drinking a bit too much on these occasions.
I did not like the fact that he was very interested in talking about prostitution and prostitutes. He was always hinting at it when we passed red lights in the streets, and he was asking about my opinion about prostitution. I told him that I’d probably prefure that there was no such thing as I believe it damages people. The he’d say that the prostitutes were apparently often women who had been violated as children so they didn’t mind so much now. I did not comment on that. What could I say? I myself was (mildly?) violated as a child, and he very weel knows.
One day while I was visiting I was expecting him home from work around eleven in the morning. He’d told me, he’d be back around that time. At half past one I called his workplace to ask if he had left. I was told that the secretary would loóok into it and would I call her back in ten minutes? Before I got to call back, he arrived home with a big smile on his face. I started crying because I’d been so worried that he might have been in a car accident. I told him and he said, that he had not promised to be home at any particular time. He’d decided to do some paperwork at school. I said that he had certainly told me that he’d be back at around eleven, but he was sure that I’d gotten him wrong. Then I said that I had called his job and that I would call them back now. He insisted then that he call them and I noticed – for the first time ever – that he turned pale and bit his lip and looked angry. I heard him call and tell the secretary that there had been a misunderstanding, but then I left the room. I was very frightened because I felt that he’d been lying to me, and I started wondering if he’d been with another woman.
During the months from the middle of january and untill may he would on several occasions not pick up his phone when I was calling. (He could not see my number, but we had a certain time each evening when we used to talk.)
He visited me during the easter holidays and at that time I asked him: “What is it with us not having sex anymore? Tell me, honestly, even if it might be difficult, are you simply not attracted to me any longer?” He looked very gently at me and said: “Well, you should know yourself that that is NOT the case”. I also asked him, he had some wishes in that area that he did not like to tell me about, but he refused that idea.
But I did not get a straight answer out of him.
A few weeks later at his place, I told him, that I had thought about the whole thing, and he should know, that sex was not the big issue for me in our relationship. I’d be with him forever even if for some reason we could not have sex. He came up to me and held me very tenderly and when he turned away his eyes were full of tears. During the folowing weeks he increased his invitations and he began to tell me more about his childhood with a very strict father and a mother who could not stand up to her husband. He also mentioned his fear about whether he could trust me or not. I said: “Sure you can trust me, I have held back on my feelings for you out of fear that you should feel intimidated by them. Time will tell that you can trust me. Do not just take my word for it, let me show you as time passes.”
During the beginning of May I visited him again. I must admit that I was a bit annoyed that he did not seem the least interested, eventhough the sun was shining and I was sitting outside not wearing much clothes. Eventually that last monday evening he asked me what I was thinking about, and I told him, that I could not help thinking that perhaps he saw other women. I told him by then that I knew about the pornsites, he’d been visiting, and I told him that I worried because of his interest in the subject of prostitution and because he had seemed angry when I had called his job because he came home too late. I asked – politely and emphatically – to get some answers so we could try and work it out. I pointed out once again, that it was not because I needed sex badly but simply because I needed not to continue worrying about what was going on.
He then told me that he simply did not want to have sex anymore. We sat and talked for a while and agreed that it might be due to the stress he’d been under during the winter with his job and all.
The tuesday morning he drove me to the train, kissed me and complimented me on my looks, and then I went home. The following days he’d call me in the evening and we’d talk as usual.
Thursday evening I called him and he began to talk about something he’d read or heard: That lovers can not be friends and friends can not be lovers. I told him that I disagreed on that one. I think that lovers should be friends, I said.
Friday evening he did not call me and I could not reach him on the phone. I was at home because I was going to a family feast sunday which my friend (ex) had declined to participate in because, as he somewhat reluctantly told me, he had a kind of phobia when it came to meeting many new people at a time.
Then I opened my mailbox to see if he’d left a message for me.
He had! Immediately after my last call he’d written a short message telling me: “It’s over between us. I’m not sexually attracted to you and I cannot pretend something that is not!”
I could not believe my own eyes. I had to read it severeal times because little black dots filled my vision and I felt as if someone was punching my stomack and preventing me from taking in air at the same time.
This was the man who had once said that if we were to die – say in a fire – we could only hope and pray that we died at the same time. This was the man who had told me that I was way off when I had asked him that very same question: Was he not attracted to me anymore? This was the man who had invited me over and over again during the last months and who had just said yes, he would love it, if my son and my grandson could come visiting one week at his house this summer. This was the man who had changed his mind again about me looking for a job nearby, so I had only been writing applications for his area for the last two months.
I tried to call him. Then I sent him a mail asking him to call. He would not speak to me untill the next evening, he wrote.
I did not sleep at all that night. I did not cry either. I guess I was in chock. I could hardly breath. I felt so bewildered and lonely and as if my whole world was crumbling. The next day I wnt around as if in a trance.
That evening he called me and told me in a low and apparently sad voice that he was sorry for both of us, but he had felt a lot of pressure. I asked him to define that pressure. “I have felt that, eventhough you did not say so, you wanted it all: Sex and love and living together.”He said.
I told him that it was not true. That I had given up on the idea of living together a long time ago, that I had been happy even without sex and that I had only wanted to be free from my worrying about his whereabouts. I was sure that we did care about eachother, I told him. He agreed to that. He told me that it is very seldom you meet someone with whom you can share so much as we did and feel immediately understood. But, he said, he had also started getting bored, when I visited, or rather, he rephrased, he had started feeling sad because of the pressure. When I asked if we could at least be friends he said that certainly, he would love that. Then he said that we could talk, when I came back from the party the following day.
My tears came when I was on my way to the familygathering on sunday. It was in the countryside and every green tree and field reminded me of him and his surroundings. I only wanted to talk to him again.
I came home at seven in the evening and he did not call. A few days passed and I went to see my doctor because I could not sleep and I could not stop crying. My doctor gave me some sedatives and told me that it was no big deal. “You have been in love before, haven’t you?” He said.
I wrote and asked my ex to call me. He did and I dared not tell him how bad I felt because I feared he would back off even more, if he was really afraid of “loosing himself in a relationship”. I had taken some sedatives and we talked about other things. But I felt as if I was choking. Neither of us mentioned the fact that he had not called me as he’d promised.
The past three weeks I’ve been crying all the time. I have not been able to think about anything but this situation. I simply do not understand how you can be so kind to anyone for so long and tend to their every need and say that you ARE attracted to them and tell them that you love them – and then break up in an e.mail saying that you are not attracted to them and cannot pretend.
I have spoken to him a few times on the phone. He sounds as if nothing has happened. The day before yesterday I finally cried on the phone and told him how much I miss him and how my whole life has fallen apart. He said: “Oh, that’s a pitty!” But there was no emotion in his voice. I told him that I had started wondering if it had all been in my mind, if it had not been real at all, if his reoccurring references to the movie “Sleeping with the enemy” had been him hinting at something, thinking he was funny and clever. I told him that I hated these thoughts.
He said: “Of course it has been real!”
But then he started yawning and told me that he would go to bed early. I told him that I had written him several letters without sending them. Then he said, that he’d love to read my letter, would I mail it to him the next day? I made him promise that if I sent him my letter he would think about what it said and get back to me and let me know about his thoughts.
I mailed him a letter which was held in a gentle tone of voice but in wich I confronted him with all the worries I’ve had and with my feelings. I wanted him to know that I am not blind to his flaws and that I have been suspious about his behaviour from time to time, but also that I want to help him and be with him if this has something to do with the fear of not being good enough. (Something suggested to my by a thearapist I counseled by e.mail on this issue.)
He has not called me yet, and I do not think he will.
I have looked at his profile again on the datingsite, and I can see that he is on almost every night and was on again last night. He has been that from time to time also during our relationship.
I don’t know what to think about him. Is he scared of me and of being in a relationship? Is he a sociopath? Has he led me on putting on an act of the poor timid guy? Is he impotent and too proud to let me know? Is he a sex-addict? Has he been lying all along or am I seeing spooks?
I have been inches from killing myself. Yes I know it sounds as if I am the crazy one here, and I am aware that I am a sucker for true love. I haven’t had much of it ever, you see. One night I had to call a womens’ helpcenter at three in the morning because I had such a desire to take all the pills from the doctor. Only the thought of my son kept me from doing so.
I really loved this man. Nobody has ever been so good to me. I have been in some bad relationships and this time I felt certain that I was loved for my own sake and for whom I was. Especially because it went on for such a long time without us having any sex.
How does this look to you?
Perhaps I should mention that during my last visit, while we were walking around on his property, looking at the wood we had chopped that day, he said – as if someone had said that to him: “Psychopath, ah?”
I should also say that he has – regarding his own looks – very low self-esteem. Once he turned my photo of him around, because he thought he looked “fat”. And another time he claimed, that I had told him, that his tommy was ugly. I was so surpised then and told him that someone ells must have told him that, because I had never said that. On the contrary I thought he looked wonderfull, and I loved his tommy.
What is wrong with him? What can I do? What should I do?
No doubt my former husband who abused me in every way possible was a psychopath. He was charmin while talking to family and friend, but he was mean and violent towards me and our dog and eventually towards his own children.
But is my friend (ex) also a psychopath – only a different kind?