Editor’s note: This article was submitted by Steve Becker, LCSW, CH.T, who has a private psychotherapy, hypnotherapy, and clinical consulting practice in New Jersey, USA. For more information, visit his website, powercommunicating.com.
We can begin by noting something that both narcissists and psychopaths share: a tendency to regard others as objects more than persons. Immediately this raises concerns: you don’t have to empathize with objects; objects don’t have feelings worth recognizing. You can toy with objects; manipulate and exploit them for your own gratification, with a paucity of guilt.
Welcome to the world of the narcissist and psychopath. Theirs is a mindset of immediate, demanded gratification, with a view of others as expected—indeed existing—to serve their agendas. Frustrate their agendas, and you can expect repercussions, ranging from the disruptive to ruinous.
Distinct explanations for their actions
The behaviors of narcissists and psychopaths can look very similar in their staggering disregard and abuse of others. Distinctions arise, however, in the explanation of their actions. The narcissist will crave recognition and validation. He will demand that others notice and appreciate his special qualities; his special qualities make his needs special, which leaves him feeling entitled to their satisfaction. He demands all this as if his inner self is at stake, and it is. Disappointment leaves him feeling unappreciated, neglected. Anger and rage then surface in aggressive and passive-aggressive displays, often in proportion to the hurt and vulnerability he can’t own.
The psychopath is less obsessed than the narcissist with validation. Indeed, his inner world seems to lack much of anything to validate: it is barren, with nothing in it that would even be responsive to validation. An emotional cipher, the psychopath’s exploitation of others is more predatory than the narcissist’s. For the psychopath, who may be paranoid, the world is something like a gigantic hunt, populated by personified-objects to be mined to his advantage.
Example: narcissists and psychopaths as cheaters
As an example, let’s take a hypothetical narcissist and psychopath: Both males (females can be narcissists and psychopaths), both married, with families; and both compulsively conducting extra-marital affairs. Both have managed to avoid exposure principally due to the ease and remarkable skill with which they routinely lie and dissemble. They are equally persuasive in declaiming their fidelity to their wives as they are at contriving their unmarried status to their mistresses. Nevertheless, from time to time, their wives may approach them with uneasy suspicions, to which they’ll respond not with accountability, but as with outrage to have to deign to address their wives’ anxieties. They will impugn their wives for raising doubts about them, leaving the latter feeling defensive, guilty, and perhaps ashamed.
Narcissist is insecure
To this point, there is little on the surface to distinguish them. But going deeper, we discover that our narcissist is actually terribly insecure and needy. For him, having affairs validates his masculinity. His seductive abilities reassure him of his manhood. If he can no longer seduce and sleep with women, he is nothing; he has “lost it.” Feeling his nothingness/worthlessness, he grows depressed, despairing. He might even feel like killing himself. To salvage his collapsing self-image, he needs an infusion of reassurance, sought in a new affair. In the narcissist’s world, the more his psychic welfare is threatened, the more hers is disposable.
The narcissist will rationalize his actions with his greatest defenses—blame and contempt: My wife has been nasty to me for a long time, and doesn’t remotely appreciate me anymore. She’s lucky all I do is cheat; I could leave her instead, with nothing. The fact that I’ve stayed is almost charitable. And these women I cheat with”¦sure, they all think I’m unmarried, and you know what, I basically am.
Our narcissist, as you see, has a dim notion of ethics; but his ethics are corrupted by alarming rationalizations. He is expert at furnishing these rationalizations seamlessly, leaving him as if with the untroubled conscience of the psychopath.
Psychopath plays a game
Our psychopath, meanwhile, has no ethics, and thus no need for rationalizations. He has affairs because he wants to. Life, for him, is a game. The game is about figuring out how to get what he wants now, by whatever stratagems necessary. And it’s a game without rules. Without rules, there is no violation, no exploitation; and even if there is, it’s part of the game. So our psychopath makes up the rules as he goes along, duping this individual and that, lying like a shameless child as he improvises his way in and out of his schemes, sometimes smoothly, sometimes not—but always heedless of, and absolutely indifferent to, the damage he causes.
The psychopath will sit back, reflecting on his infidelities, and laughing, think, “I’ve still got it.” He will mean, “I’ve still got the ability to maneuver these women like a puppeteer.” This will amuse him. The narcissist will sit back, and likewise think, “I’ve still got it.” But he will mean, “I’m still attractive. Women still find me irresistible. I’m okay, for now.”
Commonly, the psychopath is upheld as the incarnation of the murderous bogeyman. While it’s true that many cold-blooded killers are psychopaths, most psychopaths are not killers. The majority of psychopaths would find a messy murder too inconvenient and personally unpleasant a task to assume. This—the personal inconvenience and unpleasantness, not empathy for the slaughtered victim—explains why a great many more psychopaths than not, with chilling non-compunction, are more likely to target your life’s savings than butcher you, and dispose of your remains in several industrial-strength Hefty bags.
This doesn’t make the non-murderous psychopath “less psychopathic,” or “more sensitive” than the murderous psychopath; it merely reflects the calculus psychopaths apply in their decision-making: how can I get, or take what I want, for maximum instant gain, at minimum personal inconvenience?
Dear Lostingrief,
If you had been Miss Universe, you would not have been “good enough” or “pretty enough” to make him faithful or make him love you. Darling, HE IS NOT ABLE TO LOVE, he can only FAKE IT.
That is what they do. What they are.
YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. He is not crazy, he is MEAN, MEAN AND EVIL AND HATEFUL. HE WANTS TO WATCH AND HEAR YOU SUFFER.
As for his stuff I would suggest that you text or e mail him and tell him it will be sitting on your porch on X date, at X time and that he has to come get it within 4 hours of the time or it will be hauled away in the garbage. DO NOT BE HOME when he comes, or if you are, make sure it looks like you are not home (car hidden) doors locked, etc. and if you stay home DO NOT ANSWER THE DOOR.
“IGNORING THEM” is called “NO CONTACT” and it means NONE, NADA, ZIP, ZERO. No matter how much they bang on your door, you do not open it. YOu do not talk to anyone who wil give him information either. No e mails, no texts, NOTHING.
That takes CONTROL away from him, and it drives them bananas. They can’t stand it that YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOURSELF. They have been in control for so long. They say “jump” and you do, but if you refuse to talk to them you can’t even HEAR their commands, and they get NO FEED BACK and they can’t stand that.
Oh, how I wanted to tell mine off, I would write letters and never mail them, I would SCREAM at him as I drove down the road in my car (alone) but no matter how much I wanted to tell him off, just ONE LAST TIME, I knew that if I did, it would PLEASE HIM. The last thing I wanted to do was to PLEASE HIM, so I maintained the NO CONTACT. Before I put NC into effect, everything I said or wrote to him came back to bite me in the A$$.
My dear, you have not doine anything wrong, you have been used, abused, manipulated, lied to and mistreated beyond belief. The reason he tells you that you are “worthless” is because HE IS WORTHLESS and he is “projecting” his own self on to you.
YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, A WORTHWHILE PERSON, WHO IS CAPABLE OF LOVE AND GOODNESS, he is an evil, rotten bastard who cannot love—Really, they are INCAPABLE of bonding to other humans, it is a “short circuit” in their brains, this is not just the way they act, they are HARD WIRED TO BE THIS WAY. Read about it on some of Dr. Leedom’s articles. Their brain is wired different from ours and they are not capable of caring for others. It is all about them.
Learning what and who they are is lots of work, there is lots of information about them just on this blog, but there are other books etc too. “The Sociopath Next door” is a good one, and Dr. Robert Hare’s “Without conscience” are too good ones. They are available on Amazon and half.com and can usually be had used pretty cheap.
btw:Psychopath=sociopath=Anti Social Personality disorder. There is some arguments about which name is the “right” one but essentially all you need to know is that they are about the same—a Narcissist is also self centered and TOXIC, but not usually quite as bad as a psychopath. But Psychopaths are not all serial killers, they are doctors, lawyers, the guy next door. Learning as much as you can and about understanding the “train that came out ofno where and hit you” will help you resolve your pain, and help you heal, and will protec tyou in the future from falling prey to another one. Many of us on here have fallen prey to these predators and vampires over and over. They operate almost out of a “play book” and there are RED FLAGS to help pyou spot them before yo are HOOKED IN by them. Learning this is probably the most valuable “school” you will ever go to. This is a class you have already enrolled in.
My late husband used to say “Life is a tough teacher, she gives the test first, and then the lesson.” Don’t flunk this lesson or you will have another test and I think you already know you dont’ want that. ((((hugs))))
i’m kinda speechless.
however, i have been reading this blog, articles, commentary, segments of books online, etc. for hours a day since this happened — and along with the support of y’all — i’ve been able to do pretty well, considering. i got the basics down … intellectually speaking. but my heart and spirit are just stunned as hell.
i perceive it as the amorphous horror that it is, but i don’t understand for a second what precipitated it. and another thing, what the HELL is he so angry at ME for!?! LOL … it’s ludicrous. i never did ANYTHING to him … EVER!
geezus.
Dear Lost,
They don’t need a REASON to hate you.
It is much easier to get this in your head intellectually than it is emotionally and you can expect to bounce upand down, back and forth, one minute rational and reasonable, the next minute out of your head again wanting him back. That’s the thing that blows us all away.
Just keep in mind that YOU ARE NOT CRAZY–but you may have some thoughts that are. LOL Not making fun of you at all, just letting you know that your head and your heart, though only 15 or so inches apart may not be “together” on what to do or what to think. It is a long trip that 15 inches.
Just as we can almost “predict” what tactics they will use, it is almost as much the same with us, we go through the same stages of “grief” and back and forth and back and forth, and if you hang in there until you get to the “easy” part, you will come out a wiser, stronger and more wonderful person for all the pain that they have put you through. It won’t be a total loss.
Most of the “veterans” of the P-experience that have been at this “healing” for some time are in many ways “improved” for the awful experience. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, but at the same time, it is a good chance for us to take a look at what it is about us that made us vulnerable to them.
No one deserves to be treated like they have treated us, that’s for sure. NO ONE. But why did they pick us? What is it about us that makes them do this to us and us not “raise a ruckus?” Kick them to the curb (until now)?
Some people stay in these relationships for decades before breaking free and “seeing the light”—why? Did we think we could fix them? Or that they would be like they were at the “first” honey moon stage?
I saw a news show tonight about a girl who was murdered. The cops don’t have her killer. But I “know” who did it. Just because of the way her friends described her BF and the “over the top sex” she had with this guy—how it was soooo wonderful, because that is one of the things they use (plus this guy was also a former Special forces so he said) guy. And a few other things. Of course I am sure the cops suspect him but they can’t prove it, but it fits the MO of the sociopath—the “honeymoon phase” and the “exciting sex” and then once the victims are hooked, the abuse. Not all ends in murder, but some small percentage do.
It is almost like you could “write a book” predicting the “stages” that they go through in the way they romance us, hook us, then cheat and lie, and use and abuse. There are some plot variations but not a great deal of them, as far as the Patterns of abuse go. It is like a broken record (if you are old enough to remember vinyl. I’m older’n dirt, so I remember them well!)
Keeo reading and learning, and LET YOURSELF FEEL YOUR EMOTIONS. Scream at him (when you are by yourself), write him nasty letters (and never mail them) do whatever makes you feel good. The main thing though is take care of YOURSELF. Be good to yourself. Don’t beat yourself up (we all do anyway) but you couldn’t have prevented this or foreseen it. Be angry, be sad, be mad, be upset, then rinse and repeat until your soul is clean. No instant fix, but you will get there if you stay at it long enough. The hurt and the shame and the pain and the anger, every emotion you can imagine, will go through you, but you will COME OUT STRONGER.
He will NEVER HEAL, he will never be normal, he will never have a real “relationship”–you will, because you can, he CAN’T.
Keep reading! Start screaming! LOL ((((Hugs))))
Couldn’t sleep. Kept having dreams of him being his loving, child-like faux self. Him asking me, “but you said you LOVED me … then how could you leave me!?” He was furious with me, and I was standing there (still my dream) with my jaw on the ground!
Funny, the other day, when I last spoke with him, he told me that I MADE him go to his new girlfriend because I was being so critical of him. I said, “Yes, I was being critical of your OUTRAGEOUS behavior!” Well, he said, “but when you love someone you accept them unconditionally. You NEVER loved me!” So, now I’m feeling bad. Does he REALLY think I never loved him? Does he really think that after EVERYTHING I did for him (the list could circle the earth), my years and years of loyalty and faithfulness, that I didn’t love him? Or is this just another manipulation?
It’s manipulation. My exb manipulated me in ways nobody had done before. I am having a hard time forging myself for having been so naive, so much so that for the last few months I’ve been having some health issues that at first I could not explain, but now I realize it’s my unwillingness to forgive him. I don’t sleep well, nightmares almost every night, and I know that I allowing him to continue to hurt me. Any suggestions from the veterans on how we can deal with this?
Dear lostingrief,
It’s manipulation. Blackrose is right. You didn’t make him do anything. Nothing you did or didn’t do would have made any difference.
Once you are able to practice real NO CONTACT, you’ll begin to recognize all the cheesy manipulative tricks they use. It’s like waking up from a deep sleep, like shaking off extreme grogginess. You’ll free yourself of an amazing amount of anxiety–anxiety you’ve gotten so used to carrying around that you don’t even realize it’s there much of the time.
And with time, the sleeplessness and nightmares will subside too. When I was with mine, I would wake up several times a night, crying out “Oh!,” just from waves of anxiety that would strike in my sleep. I was a walking, talking coiled spring of fear and trepidation. Now, I can sleep like a normal person. Heck, sometimes I can even take naps!
And for what it’s worth, mine told me I “made” him take up with not one, but two, 20-somethings because I had the audacity to throw him out. “You didn’t expect me to live ALONE, did you?,” he asked increduously. Isn’t that the funniest thing you ever heard?
Best of luck to you as you recover. I don’t have many suggestions on the sleeplessness, other than time and hard work. In time it gets better. Hard physical labor helped me work off some of the emotions and kept my mind occupied. When it was housework, it also had the added benefit of “washing that man right out of my hair,” so to speak. I have gone over my home with a fine-tooth comb at least twice since the split, the first time in a big general sweep to get rid of his stuff. And the second time, I’ve been getting rid of things that remind me of him (or us as a couple) and replacing them with things that are mine alone.
Work, study, reflect, post, take care of yourself and remember, above all, no contact.
Hi, gang,
I loved the “unconditional love” bit! LOL My P-son (after trying to have me KILLED, and knowing about and condoning his SIL’s affair with his buddy, wrote a letter to a minister friend of the family’s saying how UN Christian we were because we would not longer write to him (read: send money) and that we OWED HIM UN-CONDITIONAL LOVE, and since we didn’t give him UN-conditional love, we were FALSE Christians! LOL
When my P-son became a stone cold killer, he lost the priviledge of my love. When he was an infant I loved him unconditionally, but when he reached the “age of reason” and chose to abuse others and abuse me, he lost the PRIVILEDGE of my love and my concern and my care. Love is not only a FEELING it is also an ACT. It means to do good to someone, not harm. “Love your enemies” doesn’t mean have a
SQUISHY FEELING for them, it means don’t do them harm, if you do anything, do good.
“Honor” your parents does not mean that I have to have a SQUISHY FEELING or do exactly what my P-bio-father says, but it means to become the kind of person that would bring HONOR to a parent of that person. I am becoming that kind of person, but I have no respect for the memory of my P-bio father. He was a psychopath. He hurt people for fun. He hurt me.
I am responsible for MY behavior, I am not responsible for anyone else’s behavior. Since the Ps do not WANT to be responsible for their behavior, they have to “place blame” on someone else’s actions, but not themselves. I will NOT assume that blame or responsibility. I will hold them accountable. Since they behave in an abominable manner toward me, treat me with malice, they do not have the priviledge of my company, my love, my concern, and THEY HAVE NO CONTACT. NC protects me from them. It gives me back control of myself. It gives me back my SELF-RESPECT.
lostingrief, all of that is mulipulation. you x sounds like my x. My x would tell me i never love him. when i finally understood what he was doing it clicked. if you dont do what they want or dont fit into there standards, you dont love them. Your not Acting right! Thats all crap. They dont love us, b/c in a normal relationship, people hurt each other but you dont stop loving them, and you dont try to shape them into a person you want, you accept them for who they are. Those sociopaths want to shape us into who they want us to be. There Puppet!…Everytime my x was get drunk he would tell me. ” Im sorry for being such a D***”. it was like when he was drunk he would admit who is really is. it was true him being a Di**, and he knew it but he would never say that when he was sober. its like he knows who he is but when he is sober he hates that he is that person. he also would tell me, “I’m Different then most people and most guys”…Damn right he was. im telling you he knowes what type of person he is.
i also forgot to say, i remember wthen the ex would threaten me by saying ” im going to cheat on you, just like i did in my last realtionship”. it was like he was confessing to all his cheating ways but tryin to blame me for his cheating ways. when he said those things to me, i would say you already are. and i was also say to him, wow what kinda of man says that to his girlfriend. the things he would say would blow my mind.
Dear Blondie,
It is funny what alcohol does to people. First off it lowers your inhibitions and more of your “true self” comes out. When you are sober, you may be able to “keep up the act” better, but when you are drunk you let down that guard.
People say to me “oh, I didn’t mean it, I was soo drunk” well, to me, what you are when you are drunk is REALLY who you are, or would like to be but don’t have the courage when you are sober.
It’s funny about me. I don’t drink much (probably 2-3 times a year) and if I do have a couple too many, I am sooo happy, and I like to SING (sober, I know I can’t sing, but I would love to be able to LOL) I’m just a happy little tipsy old lady, laughing and joking, singing and dancing (can’t dance either!) But I know others that are “okay” when they are sober but boy, let them get a few too many and they become monsters!
The odd thing about my P XBF was he was a lot more pleasant when he was drunk than when he was sober—funny, that! He was a “secret” drinker, and kept bottles of vodka under his car seat (I CANNOT ABIDE PEOPLE WHO DRINK AND DRIVE) I didn’t actually catch on for quite a while that he was drinking continually. I wish I had known about his “secret” drinking (and DRIVING!!!) sooner I would have tossed him out just for that. My grandfather and two close friends were all 3 killed by drunk drivers, so my “penalty” for being caught driving drunk (or drugged) would be HANGING for the FIRST OFFENSE—no second chances! I don’t belong to MADD but I am definitely for that group.
My mother’s P-brother, Uncle Monster, was Ok when he was sober but when he was drunk, he was VIOLENT and psychopathic beyond belief. It was only after I was grown that I knew the horrible things he did to his wife and chilren and other women as well. I firmly believe the drunk Uncle Monster was the REAL man. The alcohol let his TRUE SELF show through without any inhibitions or constraint. But he was always careful, even when he was drunk, not to pick on someone who would FIGHT BACK, he was a total coward as well. No matter how drunk and nasty he got, he would avoid a fight that he might not win. Makes me think he still had some “control” over how he behaved even when he was looped.