Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
What about misconduct and child custody? Does anyone care who is looking after the vulnerable little ones?
And there’s another issue:
PROVING the misconduct.
Many of these types abuse in secret and then they use it to turn the divorce in to a protracted “she said he said”
I think if people are going through a divorce and believe that they have been married to a sociopath, then they need to take extra precautions. During my divorce proceedings, my ex acted in very bizarre ways. My psychologist advised me to tell my lawyer all that he was doing. When I did, my lawyer’s advice was to focus only on the finances of the divorce. She told me that longterm, my relationship with my ex would be better if I only focused on the numbers”ignore the crazy behavior because that would normalize and then things would eventually work out. This was very poor advice for me because my ex’s behavior has continued to be crazy and I have no documentation (except from my psychologist) that it occurred. Now looking back, I would have documented with the police all the craziness. When my five year old called from a weekend visit crying saying that daddy told them he would never see them again and that they had to wait for me outside in the driveway, I now wish I had called the police to document it. The five year old was the oldest at the time. When I went to pick them up”the five year old was sitting in a steaming hot car crying, and the three and one year old were playing in the driveway unsupervised. When I knocked on the door, my ex would not answer. I have many, many stories like this, and none of it was documented because of my lawyer’s advice.
During my divorce my ex would not agree to it. He vowed that he would not divorce me, and if I went through with it, I would be sorry. I kept pushing through the process which took a lot of time and money. The divorce finally went to trial. My ex did not have a lawyer. My own lawyer was very sure that everything would work out fine. She mocked my ex for not having a lawyer. Well, when it came to his turn to speak. He told the judge in a very sad and “sincere” voice that he had nothing to say or ask me. He only wanted to present the court with a document that explained his side. The judge allowed it, and then broke for lunch. During lunch, my lawyer was confident and barely mentioned the “document”, but said she would object to it because we had not seen it, and the judge would agree that he could not use it. My lawyer felt very confident about the whole affair. I never saw the document during lunch. I actually didn’t get to see it until the following day. When we got back from lunch, my lawyer objected to the document, the judge said that my ex could present it and gave my lawyer the opportunity to cross examine him on it. My lawyer also had not read it and had no idea what it said. She asked one question about the health insurance and said that was all. Apparently, the judge had read it during lunch, and then asked my ex if he was aware of his right to seek custody. She asked him if he was comfortable with the fact that I had custody. At this point, I panicked. The judge was questioning my ability to have custody! My ex said he was unsure. The judge then said that she wanted the court officers to explain this to my ex because he did not have a lawyer. She said she was considering assigning a guardian ad litum to look into the custody of my children. At the time, I did not know what a guardian ad litum was. All I heard was that my ex could have custody. The court officer met with both of us. I think he knew what kind of person my ex was because he had been working with over the year. He persuaded my ex to allow me to have custody, but I agreed to crazy things, like not moving within 10 minutes from our marital home. It was so scary. The next day, I went to my lawyer’s office to read the document. I couldn’t believe what I read. It was so scandalous and full of lies. He said I lived a double life, had affairs, and had been paying our mortgage with our credit cards and hiding the money set aside for the mortgage in a secret account. Later, I had the mortgage company write a letter saying that they do not accept mortgage payments made by credit card. Many of the accusations he made could be proven untrue with facts”but many were heresay. His word against mine. I was really in shock that this happened to me. I immediately changed lawyers, and sought advice about what to do. The lawyers I talked to said that they believed the judge was wrong to allow the document without me seeing it and having time to respond to it, but challenging her decision would be very, very expensive for me and would result in little change in the outcome. Deciding to do nothing about it was devastating to me. By not acting on it, I felt my character was very questionable in the eyes of the court. My ex capitalized on me not challenging it, by using this as proof that what he accused me of was true, when really it was that I had no money to fight it. It was after this that people connected to my husband shunned me. It was really hurtful. My neighbors across the street whom we had been friends with for over five years stopped talking to me altogether. They just completely ignored me as did many other people. Since the divorce, my ex has taken me back to court many times”he uses it as a way to continue to hurt and cause anxiety. He continues to lie with ease. Up until three years ago, I went along with my lawyers advice that in all situation we should try to compromise”work things out”.give my ex the benefit of the doubt”.forgive and forget and things will get better. I have really come to the conclusion that when you deal with a sociopath, you can not be compromising. The agreement needs to be extremely structured. You have to document every incident with the police”.because if it has been going on for a long time, it will continue to go on. If you don’t have documentation, you have nothing. My ex continues to be extremely hateful. One of the books I read on dealing with aggressive parenting said that in usual circumstances you want to be accommodating and flexible with visitation, but in cases where one parent is aggressively trying to ruin the relationship of the other parent/child bond, then very strict visitation needs to be established. My experience with the court system has not been positive at all. It seems that appearance and dealing with a heavy court load is what dictate the outcome of divorce and custody cases.
Hi guys:
Today I was at the courthouse filing a bench warrant for spath 2&3 (business relationship).
There has been some confusion on the courts side on the process because they have only done ONE other case such as this…..(had someone taken it this far).
Anyways, in clearing up the process ( I had to do my own research and clarify it to the court clerk)….we got to chatting…..
she asked for a ‘refresher’ on what this case was….I gave her the name (ALWAYS USE THEIR LAST NAME>….make an impact….and keep it in the courts memory)…..and I gave her the lowdown. She said ….oh, so this isn’t your husband….
I said NO…..and it led me into my speal……
THEN…..I went into my Cluster B speal……both clerks were captivated and participated on a ‘personal’ level….they were engaged and asked what a Cluster B was……I explained….
The head supervisor said….Oh, we see em in here every day.
I said, YES….you most certainly do! The other clerk said, she has had personal experience with a spath….
The supervisor said, “One guy stands out in my mind specifically’ from here……
I said, well…..do you remember my ex hubbahubba? She laughed and said his name…..and said….YES….that’s the one who stands out!!! 🙂
Whenever I hear this I’m always surprised…..I think this is probably the hardest for me to process……because i thought EVERYONE LOVED HIM……. I CERTAINLY never noticed peeps looking at him through one eye……or questioning him….
I never realized and still don’t really, that people see right through him……
I guess, because he does have his ‘crew’ of supporters….
But they do come in and out in a revolving door fashion……
Well and ofcourse, they wouldnt’ ever have brought their true feelings of him to my attention…..and I was BLIND!!!!
She went into the times he came into the court CRYING…..she said it was so pathetic, she had his number right from the beginning…..
She said another day he came in saying he was affraid of me killing him becvause I was mentally Ill, and how can he get me ‘back’ into the mental institution……
MENTAL INSTITUTION……..BACK……when was I ever in one to begin with?????????? HOLY SHIAT!
Honest to god……I am shocked he never brought them in a plate of cookies!!!! Really!!!
Today was another opportunity to share the ‘gospel’ of Cluster B’s…..and to peeps who have direct contact with judges, and can either make or break the attempts at legal proceedings….filings etc…..in our cases…
This whole court (in my town) has been immensly helpful to me, and gone OVER AND ABOVE for me…..from the clerks to the constable……they all know me by first name and ALWAYS say HI EB! They have walked me through all of my processes……step by step……and now we are learning together!
I now realize why the spath filed his TPO against me in the larger city down the ‘hill’…..and NOT in our town…..
this clerk wouldn’t ‘help’ him….just give him the paperwork and say….sorry I can’t give you legal advice…..
and shut him down! Since he wasnt’ capable of filling out the paperwork, he turned to her, she shut him down….(knowing ‘who’ he was and how he was playing the system and me and kids)….
He filed in the city…….and was denied.
I loved what I heard today and what I was able to share!!!!
Perfect scenario!!
So glad you were validated EB. It sounds like you have worked hard on how to use the system and not depend on attorneys. I am sure the clerks admire your drive.
In reading the mental institution part…was your ex ever in one? I see “they” like to project even their past onto us…and we can learn alot about THEM this way.
Mine was hospitalized(psych break) prior to our divorce and from your post, I see the wisdom of putting that in our divorce complaint as public record….otherwise, he would be spreading all over town that it was ME.
Now he has to come up with ORIGINAL lies about me..cant use HIS transgressions. But I do look for some doozies in the future, as this plays out..
I don’t know if someone has said it, but I would like to welcome sandra bullock to the club.
Good morning everyone. I’m glad Sandra Bullock was brought up because that has been on my mind since it came out. If it can happen to her nobody is safe. I really HOPE and PRAY that she does NOT take that man back. Tiger’s wife Elin really disappointed me. I was so disappointed that my ex s’paths wife took him back-AFTER YEARS OF HIM CHEATING WITH younger women.
His M.O. is the same every time-find a young attractive wounded vulnerable woman-15-20 yrs younger than him and prey on emotionally. He says whatever he has to so he can into their hearts, gets all the sex he wants, promises them 4ever and then discards them and ruins their reputations.
My ex would have had a full-on breakdown if the wife hadn’t have taken him back. I know he may have come after me but I STILL wish he would get what he deserves. After all, I have two guns to protect me. He gets away with this over and over again.
It is a shame she seems to qualify.
Once a cheater always a cheater…..a leopard doesn’t change its spots….I wish I could think of more, but I’m coming up blank right now.
My most recent memory of Jesse James and Sandra Bullock was at the Academy Awards last month. Jesse was standing in the background holding Sandra’s clutch, while Sandra was telling the interviewer that her husband is the hardest working man in Hollywood, and Jesse works harder than anyone blah blah…..as if Jesse was gracing everyone with his presence by showing up at the Oscars with Sandra….That’s what a husband is SUPPOSED to do!!!
SandraSandraSandra…..we need to talk about RED FLAGS!
That was a red flag for me right there.
And, sure enough, 10 days after that the cheater is exposed. And Sandra is left with egg all over her face and a broken heart.
I’m reading this really great book right now called “The Gaslight Effect”.
I am learning A LOT about gaslighting and emotional manipulation.
According to this book, Jesse James would classify as a “Good Guy” Gaslighter. He’ll stand in the background and hold his wife’s purse to portray himself as a good guy, but he really doesn’t give a damn about his wife because he’s cheating on her with other women.
I suspect that’s how he hooked Sandra to begin with.
By presenting himself as a “good guy”….or a “reformed” bad boy.
And thus, he was able to distort her version of reality into something that was false.
She fell for it hook, line, & sinker.
BTW, the list of mistresses is growing, just like it did with Tiger.
EEESSSHHH!