Editor’s note: The following article, written by Laura Johnson, is reproduced from SmartDivorce.com. It offers tips that may help people who are divorcing a sociopath.
Even though your state may be a no-fault divorce state, it doesn’t mean that you or your spouse won’t have to answer in some way for any misbehavior during the marriage. It’s what divorce lawyers and courts refer to as marital misconduct and, in certain states, can affect the outcome of the division of property, an award of spousal support, or an award of attorney’s fees for the victim-spouse.
The legal definition of marital misconduct is any conduct that undermines the marital relationship. It becomes a factor in a divorce when the offender-spouse’s behavior forces the victim-spouse to assume extra burdens in the marriage. It isn’t meant to punish the offender-spouse or award him or her an inadequate amount of property or income, but to fairly compensate the victim-spouse.
The rationale behind this theory is that the victim-spouse is compelled to contribute more to the marriage because of the offender-spouse’s misconduct, therefore he or she is entitled to have the offender-spouse’s behavior taken into consideration when property or income are divided. Marital misconduct can be disregarded if both spouses are guilty of marital misconduct. In some states, marital misconduct is specifically disregarded as a matter of law.
In those states where misconduct is a factor, there are several broad categories of behavior that might be classified as marital misconduct. They are:
- habitual drunkenness or addiction,
- adultery,
- domestic violence,
- cruel and abusive behavior, or
- economic fault.
Once the offender-spouse’s behavior has reached the level of marital misconduct, it is the court’s responsibility to determine just how much weight to give to it in each specific situation. Some of the considerations the court looks at when deciding this issue are:
- the length of the marriage,
- the character of the misconduct,
- the time period during the marriage when the misconduct occurred, and
- the frequency of the conduct and whether it was continual.
Certain types of marital misconduct may have more of an impact upon a court’s decision-making than others. For example, cruelty or domestic violence might not be a relevant or appropriate consideration for making an equitable division of property because this type of misbehavior typically isn’t relevant to the acquisition of marital property. The same cannot be said for economic fault, adultery or an addiction, all of which can directly influence a couple’s property.
There are several types of economic fault. They are:
- dissipation of assets,
- hiding assets,
- diverting marital or community income to pay for an addiction,
- spending marital or community income on an extramarital relationship,
- excessive or abnormal spending,
- destruction of property,
- the fraudulent sale or conveyance of property, and
- any other unfair conduct that prevents the court from making an equitable division of property.
Some divorcing spouses believe that once they are separated and a divorce filed that marital misconduct, especially adultery or economic fault, has no effect on the outcome in a divorce. That isn’t actually the case. Each divorce is very fact specific and the same logic about the impact of marital misconduct on the division of property applies whether it occurred prior to the separation or during the pendency of a divorce. This is particularly true for economic misconduct.
There are some states that have statutes that specifically permit a court to award a disproportionate or lesser share of property to an offender-spouse, particularly if the misconduct can be classified as economic. The facts of each particular divorce play a heavy role in how the court applies the law.
In cases that involve the dissipation, hiding or destruction of assets, the excessive or abnormal spending of income, or the fraudulent conveyance of assets the court can’t increase the size of the marital or community estate that actually exists. However, it can order a disparate division of the existing and known property to reimburse the victim-spouse for his or her loss in the couple’s estate.
In addition to having a possible effect on the division of property, marital misconduct may also have an effect on the amount of spousal support an ex-spouse may receive provided he or she qualifies for such support. This can work both ways. If the spouse who may be entitled to receive support is guilty of the misconduct, his or her receipt of support may be in jeopardy depending upon the nature and level of the misconduct. On the other hand, a paying spouse might have to pay more, especially if his or her behavior caused the victim-spouse to give up or reduce the ability to earn income.
The following states take marital fault into consideration when determining an award of spousal support: Alabama, Arizona, Connecticut, District of Columbia, Florida, Georgia, Idaho, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Michigan, Mississippi, Missouri, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Dakota, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Virginia, West Virginia and Wyoming. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States)
The following states take marital misconduct, especially economic fault, into consideration when dividing marital or community property or in reimbursing the marital or community estate: Alaska, Arizona, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, District of Columbia, Florida, Hawaii, Illinois, Indiana, Kansas, Kentucky, Maine, Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi, Missouri, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, New York, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oklahoma, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Carolina, South Dakota, Tennessee, Texas, Utah, Vermont, Virginia, West Virginia and Wisconsin. (Source: American Bar Association, Family Law Quarterly, Winter 1998, Tables Summarizing the Law in Fifty States).
Movingon,
it makes the crap I went through more bearable knowing that I can help someone else because of it. Your forbearance is inspiring.
I’m sorry that you felt like you broke your own boundaries, but it’s not very surprising. My spath could get my blood boiling like no other, meanwhile tempting the blood from under my nails in several ways. I kicked stuff, hit and stomped on the floor, and called him names a very few times. I didn’t recognize myself. I never ever called someone names or hit stuff in the company of others. He just kept pushing and pushing until the fuse went off and I turned into a fury. After it happened a few times I really started to be frightened of myself and wondered whether one day I’d not end up hitting him. However, luckily for myself,, because of those few times I learned to disengage and just lock my mouth and ears, which drove him nuts. But if I hadn’t, I might have in fact ended up hitting him for his verbal onslaught of word salad.
Hi Skylar, yes getting there, anger gone, focus on what’s important, don’t care what happens to the sh*t. He is particularly angry because he has been exposed ..all legit of course ..I have learnt my lesson. No rantings, ravings, cool ..evidence ..added spice ..bailiffs report ..it’s true, it happened ..wtf ..all 3rd party stuff. Don’t like the consequences ..don’t give me the evidence ..simple really!
The spath is playing out some alleged suicide nephew pity me ploy, can’t pay maintenance off looking for the body, every weekend. Lets hope his family know what his excuse is ..because they are about to find out ..its sick, sick, sick.
It rants and raves ..plays into my hands every time. I know my story is tepid, mild compared to some ..but hey I am now like ice. Funny, I have had 2 people contact me recently wanting reconnection ..I have ignored them ..why ..because I am now so very cautious. I have had such fun lately, danced in a hotel with work colleagues (merry), stole a traffic cone (drunk by this stage), met a film crew ..they all love Judi Dench etc, Donald Sutherland (grumpy he was giving up smoking)!
I’ve got my zest back ..and mainly thanks to you guys and I mean that, no bs, this website has been my lifesaver, and I have been at the ‘suicide’ thoughts ..
Thanks again Skylar …wherever you are in the US ..thank you. x
Darwinsom, I sat in court in December 2010 and again in January 2011, I had to block the spath out, I pressed my fingers to my ears to keep its rantings out and wrote a shopping list. The judge watched me; the spath was trying to provoke me, the judge knew ..I said nothing for 14 minutes and 23 seconds while he ranted at me in court. At the time ..I thought why don’t they stop him ..he demonstrated, he is a bully, a liar and a maniac!
He did the same thing in March and again yesterday ..the only thing I have done, is change my response ..he has NO control over me whatsoever ..and spaths hate losing the control to hurt, wound, distress ..they lose all power the moment you disengage ..taken me a long time ..but being called a whore, child abuser etc …loses impact ..just words, I simply don’t care! That is the point when you finally know ..you are free ..when you simply don’t care any more! My theory anyway!
Truthspeak,
Sorry to hear about your husband’s stash. Sounds like a really unhealthy situation there… my only advice would be to make sure you’re protecting yourself during sex. There are diseases STD’s that fly under the radar and won’t show up on standard tests. Certain viral tests for Herpes/HPV/Mycoplasmas, etc. aren’t standard tests, and the specialized tests aren’t very reliable anyways.
My worst nightmare (other than being with a sociopath) was being married to someone I fully trusted and being infected with a std from a cheating spouse. I’ve heard stories like that enough times to question how smart it is to not use protection always (even in a marriage).
Good luck!
Update on the situation.
I have been in a horrible state since last Wednesday – saw our Doc, and told him everything including the assault. When he asked why I thought that he had been cheating, I reminded him of the sickpath’s bag of tricks and HIS testing for STD’s. Doc said that he only mentioned that he he was “addicted to technology,” and nothing more. Sickpath’s story was that the Doc “didn’t want to know about” the nature of the contents – I KNEW better when the words came out of his mouth! Any doctor worth their salt needs to know even the most lurid details to provide the best course of actions.
Doc prescribed Xanax for “extreme anxiety.” I have been triggering back to the previous marriage issues, the stalker issues, and now this. I hate that I have to take these, for now, but it keeps me from sobbing all day and experiencing nightmares.
Yesterday, divorce attorney with news that I didn’t like: NJ “no fault.” How can the ruin of a marriage be “no fault?” Oh, well – this is the law.
Yesterday, also, I was served with a petition for a restraining order. I broke down, AGAIN – I haven’t even contacted him since the incident and HE called on Sunday and said, “Hello. Sickpath, here, and I want to discuss bills, and bills ONLY.” I answered that my attorney would be handling that. He asked who she was, and I responded, “You’ll be hearing from her.” I ended the call, then.
I don’t WANT to see him, stalk him, converse, contact his employer, talk to his friends, etc……..I just want this over and I am so sick for my assault. I’m seeing a defense attorney, today – he must be CRAZY to want this discussed in Court! I’m not excusing my behavior, at all. BUT for the fact that he’s been living this depraved double life, there never would have BEEN an “incident!”
And, yes – he DID set me up to end the marriage. He didn’t have the courage to tell the Truth, and I didn’t have the nerve or courage to end it, myself.
I’m frightened of the criminal aspects, here, and I’m afraid of what’s going to happen in the future. Disabled, sick, PSTD, no job, no money……….BUT – the one thing that I do have is proof that MY inheritance paid for real estate. Checks with only MY NAME on them.
I still do not have internet access, and I’m using a public system, right now. I wish that I DID have access, I would have this site during the long, terrifying nights.
SO……my schedule is this:
Today – defense atty
Tomorrow – counselor
Friday – PAP (already had bloodwork drawn for STDs)
Next week – hearing for restraining order
Later in the month – criminal hearing
I may be down, but I’m going to survive this and become a much wiser person for it. I will never “love” again – not ever, and I’m just fine with that. I am just attempting to deal with the terror and grief. That, too, will sort itself out in time.
GOD LOVE YOU ALL – thank you for your support and encouragement.
Truthspeak
HUGS.
I’m sorry for the pain you’re going through.
You sound like one hell of a survivor. You have a great plan, and you sound committed and you haven’t lost your marbles.
I am hopeful for you that you’re going to end up in a much much better place.
Truthspeak,
I’m sorry you are going through this horrible amount of pain, fear, anxiety and trauma.
You will survive! Hang in there, keep on reading….being good to yourself and whatever your faith is, lean on it! (((hugs)))) and God bless.
So….I have traveled back in time and searched financial records, the emotional language throughout the marriage, and the violent crisis that sent him out.
Since 2004, the husbspath drained my entire inheritance and the clues were there, all along. Not about the double life or his hatred of women, but the emotional distance, lack of empathy and remorse was there – I just chose not to see it, or to excuse it on his horrid mother. The finances were, to a degree, my own fault because I trusted him.
The one personal epiphany that I did have was that my choice to end it was a “good decision.” The minute that I saw the contents of his vile bag of tricks was when it was over. I waited to see just how bad he was in, but I knew that there would never be a healing of that relationship. The very thought of touching him, under any circumstances, caused me to experience a physical, visceral reaction that was beyond description. Repulsion, overwhelming fear, anger, fury, and incredulity were a constant vortex of emotion. And, I was lying awake throughout the nights to make sure that I didn’t touch him, even by accident.
He is utterly repulsive and despicable, and he did not deserve the “second chance” to “make it up” to me. When he asked me how I was feeling, I answered, “Why are you even asking me that, NOW?” His answer (and, I quote), “Because I HAVE to.”
Sociopath. Deviant. And, I am grateful that I am rid of him.
My present issue is coping with this overwhelming anxiety about the criminal issue. I am not managing this extreme fear and I have to trust an attorney that sees The Law and not what led up to my crisis. My counselor is attempting to teach me how to forgive myself and work on my “shame core,” but it’s very slow going, and I am so fearful that I’m not able to see beyond the next five minutes, let alone up to (and, beyond) this hearing.
Would the husbspath actually go forward with his complaint in an attempt to ruin what’s left of my life?! Does he not realize that doing so would mean that he would have to pay even MORE?
My recommendation to all men and women out there is this: KEEP YOUR OWN FINANCIAL ISSUES SEPARATE FROM YOUR PARTNER’S OR SPOUSE’S!!!! People with partners who are not in a legal, binding contract of marriage – co-mingling of funds and allowing access to YOUR funds can be the biggest mistake, of all. Trusting someone, completely (as I did) with your well-being is giving THEM control over your very life.
This shall pass, I know. I intend to emerge from this, not just survive. I survived my first marriage and never healed. THIS TIME, it’s about finding ME!
BRIGHTEST BLESSINGS and TOWANDA!!!!
Truthspeak- You will find your way and when the day comes that you truly love yourself and no other, the man of your dreams may just show up at your door. Or not, but either way, you will love yourself. What more do you need? Go forth, be happy and live life to the fullest.
And thank you for posting your story here. If you hadn’t and the others hadn’t commented today I may not have found this post with the Awesome information it contains!
TOWANDA!